Look What I Got

Today I went to pick up Jw after I got the kids to school and ran to the store to get things they needed before I went to work. I got there the door was closed still. Normally by then he is up and ready when I am running that late or just about ready. He has let the dog out if I am early and laying down for a little bit before he has to get ready. When he gets up to let the dog out he leaves the door unlocked because he knows I will be there in a little bit. I thought it was odd when I pulled up it wasn’t open. I knocked on the door the dog started barking. In a minute or two here he come and open the door. I could tell he had just woke up.

He said he had forgot to reset his alarm after he changed it to get up yesterday. he said he was sleeping good when I got there. The dog hadn’t even gotten up to go out. I walked in the bedroom laid across the bed was watching the news waiting on him to get ready.

He walked over to put something in his backpack and he goes oh yeah I forgot about that. I had no idea what he was talking about and he lays this box on the bed. Before I could say anything he laid another one down just smiled. I got up and open the one box and it was a pair of heart earrings.

This was in the other one with a pair of earrings.

He said I never seen you wear a necklace or earrings, I thought you would like these. If not you have two girls, they could wear them. I love them. Not sure if I will wear the earrings but I put the necklace on and wearing it now.

After I open them and looked at them I got up off the bed and gave him a kiss and hug and told him thank you. He put his arm around me kissed me, smiled and said no it wasn’t an engagement ring. I said I did not think that was what it was at all. He laughed. I was a little confused didn’t know what to think when he laid the first one down there and was even more confused when he laid the second one out there. But I didn’t think it was a engagement ring. If it had been I would have had a huge problem with that for so many reasons.

I Really Feel I Have

 

Finally Had To Tell Him

As you know the other week I was going to go talk to Jw after work and tell him how damaged I am. All the shit I have been through and things that have happened to me. Because surely if he found out that one thing he wouldn’t stay and then I would know. I would know I was wasting my time like I did on all the rest. I would know he was lying and just saying what he felt I wanted to hear. I wouldn’t be wasting my time anymore or stressing over all the extra stuff since he came in the picture. But as you can read in my post damaged he was pretty sick and I wasn’t going to talk to him about all that at the time. I felt bad for him because he was miserable and I knew he wouldn’t be listening anyway. I couldn’t blame him.

Well early last week things ended up going a little further than expected one night and we have been together a few times since. The first night he was really nervous, in turn made me nervous. Mostly just again wondering if we were doing the right thing us being together over all. How it just seems odd or not real. He was in his last relationship for 8 years he said it been a while since he been with someone new or another women. It made it hard for me to get into at first but after a little bit we both relaxed.

The next time was alright but I had a hard time. It wasn’t really anything to do with him. More me and I couldn’t figure out why or what was bothering me so much.

Last night was horrible, I was into it and wanted to and then everything started happening. I just started shutting down and fighting disconnecting. We ended up just stopping. He could tell something was really bothering me and that something was wrong. He kept asking and saying he was sorry asking if he done something. I told him no that it wasn’t him it was me. We just laid there with him holding me, finally I just told him. I did not know what to say

I just told him it has been about 8 years or more since I was in a relationship but that I had a friend in that time. That being with someone in that way isn’t the same as being with someone in a relationship for me anyway.

That when I was with my ex husband before we got divorced things happened. That because of that I tend to disconnect and shut down. That I haven’t been in a relationship to know how things were going to go or work through it. I don’t know what is really wrong even but figured some things out.

He just pulled me close and didn’t really say anything. He was just quiet for a bit. He started to say something and stopped. I said I know you probably don’t know what to say, I don’t want you to say anything or looking for you to. He said I don’t know what to say. He said it’s alright you didn’t tell me sooner. He said it don’t change how I feel about you, or how I look at you. He said we will work through it. I still love you and I’m not going anywhere. I’m glad you told me and want to help you. We will figure out things together and I told you anytime you need or want to talk I am here.

Flashback Moment

After work Last night I stopped at JW’s of course. We talked for a while and he rubbed my back and neck. It has been bad because of my new desk since we moved. After he was done he kept reaching over rubbing my back, legs arms whatever here and there. He said I would do this every night if you were here and let me. He said I would rub you from head to toe front and back. Just to make you feel good, sleep good and to see that smile.

He keeps asking what I want to eat he wants to make me dinner one night after work. He was asking me again last night. Said he is going to make it Thursday since I can get off early that night.

On the way home I was thinking about us. How we have ended up together and handling things. We don’t really have a date on things. If you figure we got together the night he kissed me on the beach or shortly after that was the 9th of January. All though we have known each other since we were kids grew up together we just got back in contact. Saturday before Christmas. I thought about him taking me out for my birthday and wanting to do something for Valentines day.

I all of a sudden had this flashback of Father of the Year. We started talking right before Christmas and our first date was my birthday. He took me to dinner. Then New Years Eve, we went sat in the car at some beach, it was freezing and raining so we did not get out. We just talked for awhile decided we would give us a try.

Shortly after that he picked me up from work and had made this big dinner for us while his roommate was out of town.

And he use to rub my back and legs all the time for me at night because I would hurt so bad. He did a lot but more offten at the end when I had my accident and got hurt and things. He always wanted to celebrate holidays.

Thinking about it all that with Father of the Year came back. Stuff I had forgot about or not thought of in years. It is all so close to being the same. Was kind of weird to me at first I was like oh wow no this is not good. But then it all just kind of went away and I don’t know how I really feel about it now.

As I was thinking this isn’t good, the thought that he is nothing like Father of the Year popped in my head and how Father of the Year did and was and how JW is nothing like that.

Father of the Year always wanted praised for the things he did or said. It was more like he was doing it for himself than me. Like I did this for you so you will tell me what a good job I done and stroke my ego. It don’t matter if you really like it or it isn’t what you wanted. All that matters is I did something. I know it is the thought that counts. But a lot of times there was no real thought put into things.

I would buy him nice things like jewelry, electronics or even a truck I went to buy him one time. I got cused out for not buying it and it was a pos. I buy him jewelry I got $5 lingerie. I buy him nice electronics I would get a little light thing with a cube to sit on it.

I would show him things I liked or wanted that wasn’t going to break the bank, it wasn’t like he didn’t know. He say he had no money. Because he spent it all in the little stores or buying things he wanted. He would have his check I would just tell him get it out of that or what. We have x amount that we can spend on each other. He just walk in buy something and walk out. There would be times I got nothing at all after him making a big deal about having to celebrate a holiday and what we were going to do and get each other. But boy let me not get something or just get a card with a nice letter or note written inside and he would pout like a kid.

JW just isn’t that way, he always wants to make sure I am happy, I am taken care of. He wants to make this dinner because of what I said the other day about not getting to eat a Home Cooked Meal  He wants to make something for me. That wasn’t what I was getting at I was just telling them why I thought I was wanting to eat so much. Because they were saying oh I was pregnant joking around. He has been after me since what is it I want to eat so he can make me something. I told him he don’t have to but he insist. He wanted to go out Friday for the holiday but I have to work he has to work. He won’t be off until 8 and has to get home and get ready. I won’t be off until 9 at the earliest more likely 10 or later. He said he was going to cook Thursday I told him that would be our celebration for the holiday. He was okay with it. Thursday is about the only day we have that we get off half way decent hour. He gets off at 7 and I get off by 9 if nothing is going on. We still aren’t out until late. Over the weekend it is hard for me to get out until later when the kids go to bed and he works Saturday anyway until 8. Once I get moved get the bitch out of my house and get my kids settled again things will be different to a point. I won’t have to worry about having time to go see him and things. He will meet the kids can start coming over going and doing things with us. All of us spending time together. Making time for us will be a little easier as well. I won’t have to worry about rushing home to the kids because I will have more time with them and things.

But it just blew me away when I thought of all that between the relationships. I still don’t know what to think of it. But I am happy, I have been happy from the start. I wasn’t really happy with Father of the Year, I never really was, I never expected it to go anywhere between us. I felt he was more of just the friend type but he wasn’t like any of the other guys I had dated and thought maybe I just wasn’t giving him a chance he was a “nice” guy. Things just went from there. You see how that ended.

But I don’t feel that way about JW. He wasn’t ever one I ever really thought about in anyway he was just always there we weren’t close for say but have always talked and hung out together when we were at the same places, just as we did as kids. Even now I wasn’t thinking about anything between us to start with. Then I kind of got the idea that he may be interested in more. That was the first time I really thought of him as anything more than just a friend. I wasn’t even sure then if he was or wasn’t interested in more. But the more I thought about it and the more we hung out together and things he treated me the way he did I felt that maybe it was something I would’t mind if he was interested. Honestly the night at the beach he kissed me, I wanted him to. I wanted to him but didn’t, I was kind of scared to, because I still wasn’t sure that I wasn’t maybe reading more into things between us because of the way he is. I never felt like that with Father of the Year. With him it was like we were just going through the motions. I was still waiting to see how things turned out and I had feelings for him, but not the same kind of feelings.

I got it all out I am just going to try to forget about it and enjoy what I have now and build a future that we can all grow and be happy in. Because we deserve it after everything we have been through.

The wrong one will find you in peace and leave you in pieces. The right one will find you in pieces and lead you to peace. Be careful who you entertain and give your energy to!

I feel this says it all. With JW he has done nothing but try to make me smile, help me how ever he can, be there just to let me vent, cry or whatever I needed. He always wants to know if I made it home, if i have eaten, how my day is going, telling me how happy he is with me. He hasn’t asked for anything, don’t expect anything. When I try to do for him he tells me I have enough to handle and take care of he will take care of it. I made him today give me his w2 so I can file his taxes for him because he was going to pay someone to do it. He said you don’t need to take time to do it your busy. I told him I would do it sitting at work when there is nothing to do and I am bored. No point in him paying to get something done I can do for free in a few minutes. It wasn’t he didn’t want me to see what he made or what he already told me when we were talking about other stuff. It is just how he is, he is like me just use to taken care of it himself and getting things done.

Father of the year had nothing and never did anything or took care of anything. He just left it all for someone else or it didn’t get done. Even when you tried to help or do it he never offered help and it was never right or good enough. Boy did he leave me with a mess to clean up.

Valentines Day,To Celebrate or Not and How

Me and JW were talking the other day and valentines day came up. I said I didn’t celebrate or hadn’t in a really long time and never really did then. He said this year you are. I said no we didn’t need to it was fine. He said something about what day it was on and we looked it is on a Friday. I work his later night and one of my when I get done I get off nights. He will be off by 8 he only works a hour later than normal Friday and Saturday. He said something about you’ll see or we will see. Nothing more was really said about it.

Me and Bff were talking and she said something about it and I told her what was said. She said no your celebrating this year now stop it. I said I don’t know. She said he wants to you need to or should. We could do something when I get off, if I get off by 9 but I never know. It isn’t like we are going to be getting all dressed up and all that, it is going to be late I am coming straight from work. We go to dinner or what all the time no different than any other time. Gifts what are we going to buy? We haven’t been together all that long to really get into buying anything personal or what.

I am sure I will see him after work and don’t know what to get or do. I don’t know what he will do, but I am sure he will do something. It is just how he is.

So what do you get someone you haven’t been with very long at all? I don’t even know what kind of things he really likes or what. I do but don’t since we haven’t been in touch for so long.

 

To Damaged

I am so stressed lately with having to move, find a bigger truck, back to back court dates, Saturday being 5 years my dad being gone, this new step I am taking with JW, all the changes that are coming with that.

This thing with JW is really on my mind letting go and just let what is going to happen, happen and enjoying what is happening now is really hard. Trusting he isn’t going to hurt me and things really are going to work out and that him, the kids and I are all going to be happy. My mind won’t let me do that of course, because when you have been hurt and taken advantage of so many times or in such ways it isn’t easy. You stuff your feelings and go with with your head so that you don’t get hurt again.

I keep thinking about what he said about wanting to be here and help, willing to wait, take things slow, do things how I feel is best for me and the kids. Maybe he isn’t the one I am trying to protect the kids from. Maybe it is me and me messing things up not him.

Yesterday I was in a mood and I was thinking about all the shit I have been though and things that have happen. I thought once he finds out about things or if he does will he stay. He won’t stay he will leave. I had the thought I am going to tell him everything or what if I just tell him the one thing that gets a reaction  out of everyone, that one thing that no one knows how to react to and makes everyone pull away or leave. Because you know it was shortly after RC found out that he did all this and was different from the time he found out. Then I think okay so he don’t leave but the what if he is different after that like he was? What if I mess things up between us by telling him that. If it changes things between us and we are still together that may not be the best either. But then I feel that it is something that he probably should know either way because it will have an effect on things between us at times. I try not to let it but at times it does before I even realize it.

Then it is like okay so when is the right time to tell someone something like that? Right away upfront kind of like now? Later once things head in that direction? Just wait until maybe it comes up or if things from the past and how things were or things that happen between me and father of the year and bring it up? I just don’t know how you bring that up and tell someone that.

Yesterday the mood I was in I had decided that I was going to go tell him. I was going to bring it up after work or what and we were sitting around talking. Whatever reaction I got, I just got and we would go from there.

My whole thought process behind it all was just tell him all the bad shit, tell him everything you have been through and done. He will surely not stick around. If he does then maybe it is worth all that you are putting on hold. If he does leave then it just shows how he is like the rest and just saying what he thinks one wants to hear. Either way everything is out in the open.

But when I got there he was pretty sick and not feeling good. He told me he didn’t feel good when we were messaging while I was at work. I didn’t think he was that bad until I got there. I could tell he really felt bad, he wasn’t wanting to move or even lay on his side or anything. He was so tired as well. I just laid there with him we talked a little but not much not about anything really. I told him I was going to go so he could sleep because he was so bad. He said no he wanted me to stay. I stayed for a bit laid there with him until I had to go. He was going to walk me out I told him no to stay in bed I would turn things off and lock the door. He was worried about me walking out by myself. I said I walk in by myself all the time, whats the difference. He said I don’t know but I am just supposed to walk you out. I said well not to night now I will see you tomorrow.

I was kind of glad it hadn’t come up and not at the same time. I wasn’t going to bring it up at that time anyway no matter what. But I now feel that I just want to get it out of the way since I feel that he should know. That I was all ready to tell him and going to do it and now I still have it to do since he wasn’t feeling good. I guess I will just wait and see and hope that the right time comes and things go well when it does.

It all goes back to Self sabatage.

Everything can be going great and my mind takes over and runs with all its thoughts and what may happen. What if he finds out….what if you do something he don’t like or that upsets him…..how is he going to react to…..will he find you to damaged if to much comes out? It is hell to have your mind battle your heart as I am sure many of you know.

You want to believe and follow your heart but your brain attacks.

Questioning Everything Today

I don’t know what is up with me I have been in a mood all day pretty much. I started the day fighting with Little Bitty about getting up and going to school. Then I took them to school stayed to watch Mr. 9 Get his awards. I watched Little Bitty get hers yesterday. After that I walked home got the car and left. I went and got coffee and a sandwich, I got him a coffee and stopped at his job for a bit and drove around and talked to Bff for a while. I was just in a mood and venting by the time she called me.

I am wanting to move and thought I finally had things together enough to do that this year. Then everything happen with JW my childhood Friend and now I feel like I am putting everything on hold again. I can’t find anything decent around here for less than $1100 a month or more. I am getting really discouraged and really thinking about everything.

When me and father of the year was together we bought our house to flip and move. He lost his job didn’t work for years and everything went to shit. Then I got with RC and he was all about lets get things settled and move up to where he was from and we all know how that ended. In 2015 I had everything set down to renting a truck and my dad got sick. I paid everything up to be with him and weeks later i was left and stuck here. I know he had no control over that what so ever didn’t want that to happen, didn’t plan it or whatever don’t get me wrong and think that is how I mean it at all it really isn’t. I am just saying I do what I am supposed to and things and I always end up on the shit end of the stick. I lost my dad and got stuck here all at once.

Finally now I can probably make it happen and get out of here once and for all and now we reconnect and this happens. He don’t want to move and I’m just like okay lets try this see where it goes. I’ll stay. Me and oldest was talking about moving over the weekend I said maybe in couple years and she said I’ll be grown by then. I can go where I want do what I want. Not in a nasty way or what just a you been saying this kind of thing.

That has stuck with me because I did not want my kids to grow up here or to live here once they were. The jobs are shit, the cost of living is through the roof and its just not a good place.

Then today him saying to me do what is best for you and the kids and I understand has stuck with me. I keep thinking of it. It’s like how can he say I have such strong feeling, I want to be with you, I’m so happy, I want this and in the next breath say but if you move you move it is okay. I understand? I will be sad I don’t want you to go but if you do you do? All I keep thinking now is so how does he really feel? Is he just here because I had something to do with him? Just in it for here and now? If he cares no more than that then why am I putting my life and plans on hold for him? Why am I making my kids wait even longer?

Why does anyone want to live here and struggle all the time if they could go somewhere else and live cheaper and happier? I will pay almost twice as much in rent here than I would up around J. I could have things we want, a boat, 4 wheeler, trips or what. I could work one job and not work 24/7. I could live in my house not just come home go to bed, wake up go to work repeat all the time. I could spend time with my kids doing things. I could be happier. If I can make it and get ahead and save living somewhere like that working one job imgain what I could do if I lived somewhere like that and worked two for even 6 months or a year. I could buy a nice house and have a nice down payment. I could take the kids on trips I have wanted to take.

Instead I am going to stay here work 12 to 14 hour days, never see my kids, still struggle to get by, have him here to work in trying to see and do things with on top of all I already do and take care of. Just be unhappy and miserable. So I find a house at $900 to $1000 to rent right now, in a year rent goes up and now how am I going to afford it? Because god knows you don’t get raises around here and the cost of living is already over what it should be compared to the pay. What next year I end up homeless again? Who knows if he even wants to move or would consider it in a year or two if things are going good. He says he is home don’t want to go anywhere. Then what I move and leave him then? Then what is the point in doing all this and prolonging the inevitable then. Why not just leave and leave him here now than when we have a year or two invested?

Bff just says oh your in love, stop, things will get better, they will be okay and work out. No they aren’t. How can you be happy when you are putting your life on hold?  Why am I the one putting my life on hold? Why is it always me that says okay I can wait? When is it my turn to have something that would make me happy for a change and someone else put their life on hold or change their plans for me?

Like I told her I think I am meant to be single. I think I am happier single. Yeah it is lonely sometimes but it passes and I can do what I need to do for me and my kids and feel is right for us without worrying about someone else.

 

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