Single___Parent___Life











{September 18, 2020}   We Don’t Need Each Other

I was thinking while I was eating lunch about mine and JW’s relationship. All though we have our little issue other than that we are really good together and happy. I was thinking how different it is than being with Father of The Year, RC and other guy’s I have talked to or went out with in the past. How it isn’t stressful, there isn’t fighting or tension. That yes sometimes he gets mad or aggregated with me or pissy. But when he does it is because I won’t open up tell him what is wrong or bothering me. I just get quite with drawl some and go on my way. He wants to know what is wrong or bothering me. He will talk about it try to work it out, help or just be there for support. He gets aggregated I won’t tell him and let him. That I hold it in and just deal with it on my own or just stuff it. He really does care a lot about people and for sure the one’s he is close to like family, me, friends and even my kids. No one is going to do anything to us or mess with us. If something is wrong he wants to be there for you even if it is just to listen.

He isn’t the only one that has has said something about it. I seen a memory from the past pop up on Facebook, RC commented on it he was there for me and to help. I said I knew. He said you act like your alone in this and don’t let me in or let me help. It hit me then that I did. He was the same as JW he would sit and talk about things and try to help. Thinking about it as I write this I pushed him away. Because I did shut down and stop talking and held a lot in. But we had other issues that caused it. We had some issues between us with the kids and Father of The Year.

I want to open up and tell JW, let him be there and help. But it is so hard when I am so use to how things were. I couldn’t open up, if I did it was twisted turned around or I was told how horrible I was or what. Just beat down, belittled, and treated like dirt or ignored. They would get mad.

It is hard for me to say what I want to say and make it come out right. I have to really think about it before I say things. I don’t want the things I say to be taken wrong. Because even if you go back and explain it, it is always there. RC was like that when we got together, he take a while or not say some thing’s because he wasn’t sure how to say it or make it sound right. We came up with nothing said can be taken any which way. Once something was said then they could explain more now that the main point or problem was out. The other person could ask questions or what to clarify how they meant it if they took it this way or that way. You couldn’t just get mad or upset and react. It really did help and let us have more open conversations. Because we could just say what needed said.

Even though I know JW wants to know what is wrong and wants to talk about it or be there to help and support. I also know that he takes things very personally. I don’t want something to come out wrong. Because even if you say that came out wrong or it isn’t how I meant it, it is still hard to forget or feel there isn’t some truth to it.

Like when he made the can never please you comment to me a while back. He said he was sorry it came out wrong. Not right away but later when things calmed down and we were talking. He honestly didn’t remember saying it. I could tell when I said something about it. The look on his face he said I didn’t say that to you. I said yes you did when we were talking about x,y,z. He just looked at me like he screwed up or what. I know he is dealing with stuff from his past his ex’s did. But it has stuck with me. Even though I truly don’t think he meant to say it and didn’t mean me more as in this has been an issue for him and over all couldn’t or can’t.

I just know that it is nice without all the stress and fighting. I know my kids are not in the picture yet and things. But it is a whole different dynamic than it was with me and RC. And they both are 100% different than Father of The Year.

I deal with a few things from stuff that happen between me and RC. But really sitting down thinking about it and looking at the big picture. I can see that the abuse from Father of The Year was worse than I realized it was when I was in it. I knew when I was in it it was bad not right. I look back and tell someone about this or that and it hits wow that was really messed up. Or wow I never realized this or that or how bad that was. It was just life at the time you get use to it, you deal with it, you ignore it or make up excuses or try to fix it and the list goes on. You distract your self with all these lies or other things like trying to fix it just so you can get through it. It is sad to think we do these things. That we live our lives this way.

Then the one’s who get away, get out of it we live with the lasting effects it has on us. Now not only do we deal with it but it pours over into our relationships with our kids, friends, family and partners. I don’t know if one can ever truthfully say they 100% get past it and don’t have any issues pop up. I swear I have PTSD from the shit I went through with Father of The Year.

Part if the problem me and JW have with out issue in the bedroom is because of things Father of The Year done. I told JW what he did that it was many times. But no kind of details. But the other night I had to ask him would you please not do X unless I ask you or move you to? Right away he was worried he did something wrong. I had to tell him no but because of what happened when he does I am not longer into what we are doing. When it happens, that fight or flight shoots through my body. I have to stop myself from pushing him away and getting up. I can get it to go away quickly but then I’m done I am not into it and can’t get back into it. He has asked me more than once what is wrong because he can see the change. I just say I’m alright. Sometimes it is bad enough I can’t get past it he just stops lays there beside me holding me. I wanted to tell him before but I just couldn’t get it out and tell him. Even though he knew it happen I still felt it was going to change things between us. Or the way he looked at me reacted to me interacted with me. Or if he knew any details he wouldn’t want to be together anymore. I tell myself he is different things have been good all this time and everything I have told him and has happened. But in my head I am still in the it is just a matter of time or that one thing is going to come up that makes him say nope done. At the same time I don’t feel it will.

Our relationship is different. We really don’t need anything from each other. Like with Father of The Year he didn’t really have friends, he hadn’t really ever had a relationship or girlfriend. He wasn’t stable in life. As in a job that he made anything at or a place to stay or the friends, relationship and all. He was looking for someone to come in and be everything and for their life to revolve around him and include him all the time if he wasn’t at work. And you shouldn’t do things when he was working because it wasn’t fair he wasn’t there to go. You should never have time alone. You were his friend, girlfriend and the one to make everything was taken care of or make everything happen for him. Find him a job find a car find a place to live and on and on.

RC had a job, friends, a place could hold it together and was doing it. But he needed a mom for his kids. Or I should say someone to help him take care of his kids so he wasn’t doing it on his own. He had unrealistic ideas going into things. When you are going into a relationship that kids are involved in on either side it changes things. When they are involved from both sides it really changes things. You can’t expect someone to step in from day one and take over full care of yours and theirs all on their own and expect it to be done your way as well.

With JW things are completely different. He has a life, he has a job, he has a place. He is doing it on his own and fine with doing it on his own. He is looking for a relationship for the relationship its self. Not because he needs it. He wants the companionship, the support, the closeness. That having someone there you can count on and trust. The partner or team to take care of and handle things. Even though you can do it on your own it is always nice to have the support and to feel like someone cares about you. But knowing if something happens you can walk away without worrying about anything because you aren’t depending on them for anything. You are doing it as a team now instead of on your own. But you can go back to on your own just the same. Even if their are kids involved on either side as long as you don’t lose that being okay on your own or you don’t let yourself get depend on the other or get into a place of needing them it will be okay if something happens. It will be hard but you won’t be stuck.

When I was with Father of The Year I was stuck. I had gotten laid off and found out I was pregnant. I stayed home with the kids through my pregnancy. After I had the baby I had no one to watch the kids. He wouldn’t watch them. He wouldn’t even show up when I had interviews to watch them. When I did have money if he found it he took it or wouldn’t pay things until he knew it was gone. Then there was the disaster with RC. I wasn’t really depending on him I had money coming in and a place. I just started planing and he backed out.

I’m like JW, I am at that point in life I have everything else as squared a way as it can be. I may hit some bumps but we are making it and doing a little better than getting by even with one job. I am ready to take that next step and let someone else in again. I feel in taking my time and being picky has paid off I found someone that don’t need me but wants me. Just as much as I want him.

 



{August 20, 2020}   Here or There Not Happy Anywhere

As I told you in close encounters of the covid kind

I am at JW’s house since i got off work last night. I could of went home but it is nice to have a little break. But I feel so uneasy and stressed. When I am here I feel like I need to be there and when I am there, I feel like I need to be here or should be. I just want here and there to be one so badly. I am so stressed over it all.

I told JW my test came back negative that I wanted to go home but I didn’t. He said yes but I needed to go home and see my kids. I told him how it is right now that I walk through say hi and go sit in my room. He said oh. He said it’s up to you. But he don’t seem to excited that I’m not going home. I said something about it he said no he loves having me here. But that he kept me awake last night and things. He tossed and turned all night last night. I don’t know what is wrong. He tells me a lot of times he does. I was already stressed so it did wake me up but it wasn’t like I was mad or worried about it. I was just asking if something was wrong or what. I was hoping we would get to talk some tonight or this weekend why I was here. We have been talking more it has been nice but it seems like some thing has been bothering him for a bit now it seems like. But he don’t say anything.

He is so different than what I am use to being with. Then me doing with all I am and have and trying not to bring past things into our relationship. We are just going to have to sit down and really talk about us our relationship. Not us what we need to do or want to do or working on or any of that. But us how we feel about our relationship between us. I don’t want to go through the motions hoping or thinking. I want us to make sure we work on that bond and why we want the things we do. Not let that all get lost in what we want or have to do.

Last night I went shopping after work to pick up some things I needed and picked up something to make for dinner. I came home and started dinner then ran and picked him up. He walked the dog while I finished dinner. We had to run to the store then we came home he took a shower. I went ahead and took one was going to get a drink sit down with him for a bit. Then i came to get a drink and started cleaning the kitchen. I had made comments hoping he would do them why I got my shower or put dinner away or help me but he didn’t. He went laid on the bed and watched tv.

He kept telling me leave them come lay down. But like i told him why we were out I got stuff for tonight I had things to do today wouldn’t have time. Until time to cook I didn’t want to do them then. A few times he asked me if I wanted him to help me. I didn’t say anything. He went back in the room. We talked back and forth why I did them. I say room its one big room with wall in the middle to make a bedroom there is no door. Its like a studio almost.

It kind of made me mad. I felt he should of just came and helped or done them if he cared. I am not going to ask him to help me or tell him he has to or ask him to in that situation. I feel like I cooked he should of said here you cooked let me take care of that or it’s late let me help you so your not here all night. He even said something about how long it took me. Don’t get me wrong he wasn’t saying to be nasty or mean or in a way. Just that he didn’t think it would take me so long or shouldn’t have. I was hurting wasn’t rushing. I don’t know maybe I am wrong to feel that way.



After dealing with R.C and Father of The Year I don’t like me. I don’t like the way I feel in a relationship anymore. I don’t like that I can’t decide if there really is something wrong or if it’s just me. I hate how needy and clingy I feel.

I don’t feel loved, I don’t feel that closeness, that connection, that bond. I feel like friends and not even friends with benefits. It’s so hard to explain or for me to even under really. I know things are all messed up because of the way things are right now with the kids not knowing. Nothing being open not being able to do things go places. And then there is the issue of sex and things as well. It is all just getting to me. The fact I hate my life right now the way me and the kids are living. The fact I can’t get out of it. Everyone is unhappy.

But things with JW were good and I was happy there other than the one issue we have going on. But I was still happy and still felt loved and like a couple. Now I just don’t know, I feel like when it comes to affection and things he keeps me at arms length. At the same time. I feel like maybe it’s just me and how I am that makes me feel that way. Or maybe I’m not getting close or letting him be closer because I’m scared of the bottom falling out and getting hurt.

I know we have been together 7/8 months we are falling into that normal for us routine. Thing’s aren’t going to be like they were in the bargaining. The new is fading this is us now. But at the same time I feel like we are pulling away from each other. Well I feel he is and I am wanting to be clingy and need that extra. I was never that way before. But it’s like once we hit that settled this is us, this is our normal then it is going to end. Because when I get comfortable it always ends. How do I get past that feeling? How do I get past the feeling of needing that extra from him?

I think he is happy he called me every night he was away not just the one time I asked him to. He stayed on the phone for an hour or more everytime. He keeps telling me now how he can’t wait until things are different we have a place together. How he can’t wait to fall a sleep with me and wake up to me in the morning. How much better we will both sleep and talks about wanting to take the kids and do stuff with them spend time with them do for them. This is just random out of the blue not like we will be talking about things or anything.

I can’t get past the feeling he just settled either. I know everyone is different. But then he say’s why didn’t we see each other back in the day. Why didn’t we talk before now. Had I known what was going on and thing’s. He wish we gotten together years ago when we found each other.

He ask what’s wrong sometimes and I say nothing. He don’t like it but he don’t push it. But I don’t know how to tell him or if I should. Some thing’s I want him to know there is an issue with still. I want to tell him how I feel and that I am scared. But at the same time, I don’t want him to feel he is doing something wrong or I am saying it’s his fault. Just how I feel and what I need right now. I keep telling myself the way things are is my fault once things change maybe it will be better. Not to say anything or he may leave. I think i don’t want him to leave. But at the same time it’s like okay fine let him if that is to much for him. Better to find out now than later on. But i so want to be with him and care about him and feel good about us all as a family. I don’t want to lose him. I just don’t know anymore.



{July 31, 2020}   Maybe He will Leave Too

Do not sabotage your new relationship with your last relationship’s poison.    Steve Maraboli

I seen the above picture and saying and it just fit my day so well unfortunately. I think I told you all about J.W. going away for his daughter’s high school graduation and 19th birthday. With the covid mess graduation was put off as most were. It is finally here. I hadn’t really thought about it. I am happy for him. He is going to get to see all 3 of his kids, brother and mom. He hasn’t seen them in awhile.

I took the morning off to drive him to the airport. I got up and went over like always. He was packed and ready so we slept for a bit. Then got up and went to get his hair cut and head out. I wanted to go get breakfast but I got the times messed up. He was leaving an hour earlier than I thought. So we went got coffee and gas and I dropped him off.

But as soon as I open my eyes this morning before I could roll over and get off the bed these thoughts went through my head.

R.C. went on a trip, he went to see his kid, he flew there for a few days and flew home. You know what happen then he left you. He didn’t want anything to do with you. Isn’t it interesting JW’s flying out to see his kids, you’re not going, his ex is going to be there too. He hasn’t seen or talked to her in years. Wonder what he’s going to do when he gets back? He’s probably going to get rid of you too. You have so much baggage why wouldn’t he? This is the perfect time. He can just come home ignore you or tell you how great it was to see his ex and he don’t want this anymore.

All this went through my mind in a matter of seconds as I open my eye’s and rolled over. I was already bothered by having to go to the next county to take him to the airport. I hate driving over there with all the highways and roads criss crossing and tolls. I didn’t need or want to deal with these thoughts and feelings on top of it. I tried to forget it. I kept telling myself it wasn’t true, he isn’t like that, things are different between us. All the things you tell yourself when you have these thoughts. But you know how that is, it don’t work.

I kept wanting to ask him if we were alright? If anything was wrong? I wanted to ask him if he was sure he was happy with us or if there was anything he wasn’t happy with. I did manage to get through the morning without saying anything to him. But later realised I was kind of distant and withdrawn.

I posted a different saying or what on Facebook. Later after work I was talking to Bff and she asked what it was about. I broke down and could hardly tell her. She was thinking about RC but not about his trip. Then she said oh yeah I forgot about that. We were talking. She kept saying he is nothing like RC he loves you so much you can see it and the way he treats you and does for you. I know it but i can’t stop the thoughts.  I went to the fast food place to get a float and their machine was down. I went to back out of line and turn around and I backed into the car behind me. He was so close I did not see him in any of my mirrors. I got out all I could do was tell him how sorry I was i didn’t see him. His car looked fine mine did he said everything was good not to worry about it. I always look around me. I don’t just use my mirrors but I was just upset and tired. Just looked at them and went.

I still want to message JW see what he is doing and ask him if we are okay. I have heard from off and on all day. He told me he was there then after work he told me he was at the room with his mom and one of his daughters. We talked about the accident a little. When he told me he was at the motel he told me he wish i had come with him and how he missed me later.

But now I lay here it is a little after 12 and I thinking why hasn’t he said anything? Why hasn’t he said goodnight or I love you? Something must be wrong. He must be mad about something. He is to busy to even say goodnight. He must not really care or he would of. RC didn’t call or message you either other than to tell you what you did wrong or didn’t do. I know it is crazy not true but it makes me feel so sick. He is gone for 3 more days. He will be back Sunday evening around dinner time. I just don’t know if I will make it without saying something. I don’t want to mess his trip up.



{July 8, 2020}   Simple But Good Day

Yesterday wasn’t anything special just another day really. I had an eye appointment at 11:15 about 10 miles north of home. Work is about 25 south so there was really no point in me going to work before. I would have to leave right away to get to the appointment on time.

So like any other I got up normal time and went to JW house. It was early so I laid back down. We curled up and fell right back to sleep. I guess we were both sleeping good we slept through his alarm. Next thing I knew he was waking me up it was time we should be leaving and he wasn’t even ready.

The dog had his recheck at 9:30 since we hadn’t able to take him a week or two ago when he should of went. I figured it was easier to take him today why I had time rather than try to fit it in. I told him he was okay with it for the most part. He was worried about me taking him alone. He likes to pull and drag. He is a good size boy about 100lb Black Lab. I really wasn’t he listens to me pretty well and I am use to dogs that like to pull. My big girl was about his size and a runner/puller. He knows who is boss when I am around he is dealing with me.

We took him with us when we left. We got our coffee and gas then dropped JW off at work. To the vet’s we went. We were about 30 minutes early but they came right out to the car got him and was back in just a few to let me know what they thought. We were on our way in no time. We stopped at JW’s on the way home we pass it on the way and told him what they said. After that I took him home had a talk with JW’s landlord that was there and laid down to cool off before I had to go get my eyes checked.

I got there to get my eyes checked and they got me in pretty fast. The doctor said I had just been there in 2018. I was thinking it was a lot longer than that. After he did the check he said I should be able to see a lot better once the new glasses come in. I can’t believe they have changed so much in 2.5 years and mostly since March. He said being on the computer a lot more for work now will do it. I ended up paying $120 for my glasses. There were things I had to pay for that I didn’t before. But when we were done she said it was almost $500 i only had to pay the $120 so I guess I can’t complain.

I left there and went to work. I clocked in a few minutes after 1. I took off 30 minutes earlier than I normally do and still only need to make up 1.5 hours. I can do that easy this week. But if I had stayed later I would of had to take a 30 minute break. I could just leave early. Anything over 5 hours a day you have to take 30. That would of put me there another hour and I needed to leave in 30.

I picked JW up at work and we went home. I had told him earlier I would like to go out for dinner. We went walked the dog and decided what we wanted. We ordered from a little pizza place here in town. They close early so we just brought it back to his place and ate. We sat there for a bit after talked and joked around before I had to go.

I didn’t want to go at all. I just wanted to stay sitting there laying on his shoulder watching tv until we were ready for bed then go to bed.

I was laying here thinking about it when I got home. How over all what a nice stress free day it was. We did what we had to do help each other and just relaxed this morning and this evening. Then because of me it was kind of ruined because I had to go home.

Laying here thinking about it. I want that togetherness, that closeness, that family feel again. I want us all under one roof so we can just do what we need to do and not worry about getting up early going over there to see him pick him up take him to work. I don’t have to now he can get a ride i can sleep in until i leave for work but then i hardly get to see him at all. I don’t have to pick him up in the evenings but i want to. If we were all home together under one roof it would take away all that extra time I spend trying to make time to see him away. We could see each other a lot more spend a lot more time together and with the kids.

But with everything how it is even if I tell my kids we still couldn’t have that right now. It would make it harder to see him and for us to spend time together instead of easier. Another reason I just want out of here this state away from everything. I don’t miss nothing here but a few family.

For the first time tonight that I want us together all under one roof, i want us as a family, i want the kids to know just all felt right. I wanted to call the kids in here and tell them. I wanted to tell him i just wanted to call him and tell him to come over. To come stay the night or what. I didn’t and still don’t have that feeling of wanting to tell the kids but worried about telling them. I want them to know. I want to tell them. I want them to hang out together get to know each other better and start bonding. I don’t know what has changed my mind because even the last week or so I have been worried about when and how to tell them. But just something over the weekend and the last few days just clicked I guess and I feel this is right, this is what I want, it is okay. It feels good.



{May 28, 2020}   Re:Dose He Really Care

We haven’t really talked but I got some answers this morning. I came in and laid down like I always do in the morning. We started messing around. But it didn’t really end up going any further than that. He was bothered by it and kept saying he was sorry. That he didn’t know what was wrong.

I ask him if it was something that just started and he said no. He said it always happens or had been for a while. Of course it was really bothering him he didn’t want to talk about it. Not a lot to talk about really I guess. I don’t blame him for being upset bothered by it. I didn’t know what to say to him. He kept saying sorry. I told him it was alright that I understand, it isn’t a big deal. He was saying it is he so sorry. I just told him I love him it really is okay, not to worry about it, I’m not going to go any where because of something like that. We would figure it out work through it together. He just smiled, hugged and kissed me told me he loved me.

It isn’t his fault and it is a medical problem I am sure. Now it is just a matter of how to help him and work through it. I think once we talk about why I wasn’t happy that will help both of us. I am not sure how much it will help him because there are a few factors that are at play with him one big one being medical. If we can’t work together and come out with something that makes us both happy then he may have to see a doctor. I do not know how open to that he is. I guess we will cross that bridge if we get there. I hope it don’t come to that. But if it dose it isn’t a big deal to me don’t bother me. He doing what he needs to do to be happy or what. Not a big deal.

See he only has one testicle. I forget if he said he was born that way or something wasn’t right they had to take it out when he was a baby. If he has always had a problem like he said I am betting that is why. He had a few times he had a little bit of an issue since we been together but not much and not enough to be an issue.

The reason I’m not happy was because I feel like he rushes when we have sex lately. It’s like no for play nothing. It is hard for me to be into it. I wondered if it was because he is worried if he don’t as soon as he ready we won’t be able to. If it was more of an issue than he wanted to say. I thought when I ask him if he enjoyed it and was happy or if something was wrong he maybe say something. When i said i wasn’t I figured when I said why it would come up. But he never asked why or wanted to know. So it didn’t come up.

I wanted him to tell me if he was having a problem vs. asking or what make him more worried about it. I am headed to pick him up in just a few. I am going to tell him I want to talk tonight about this morning and Monday. Get some things straight. Hope he opens up. Now i feel we can talk since I know for sure what is wrong. I don’t feel like I’m going to make him feel like I am mad or attacking him if that makes since.



{May 28, 2020}   Dose He Really Care?

Monday was a holiday and I spent half the day or so with J.W. I went over early and we slept for a while. As you know from my post Depression, Anxiety and Quarantine things have not been great in the bedroom (TMI sorry).  Well things didn’t go so well Monday I finally decided to say something to him. He could tell something was wrong he asked a few times.

I decided to ask him a few questions to try and figure out what was wrong or if something was wrong. If I had said or done something. It is hard not really knowing about that part of his past to much. To know if maybe something from there or just what is wrong.

He said everything was fine I came right out asked him about sex he said it was fine he was happy. He ask what was wrong again. I told him i wasn’t really happy or enjoying it. He told me not to feel that way and changed the subject.

This point I was hurt and a little mad. He wanted to go eat was telling me to get up and where did I want to go. I was just short with him and told him I really did not care. He comes back with I just wanted to have a nice day you. I said so did I. He said is this all because you think I don’t enjoy sex? Because I told you I do.

Now I was mad I already told him and I wasn’t yelling but I was loud and angry. I said well I’m not. He just looked at me for a minute and says I didn’t know I’m sorry blah blah. Where you want to go eat blah blah. I am just looking at him. At that point I just wanted to leave. But I got ready and we went to lunch. I figured maybe we would talk then or once we got back but nope nothing as if I never said anything at all.

I dropped him off and went home. I was upset and sick all evening/night over it. I was really thinking about having nothing to do with him any more at that point. But aside from this things really are good and I am so happy.

It was late but I finally messaged him after deciding what I wanted to say. I started off with

I don’t know what to say about this morning, honey. I feel like I should say sorry but I can’t say sorry for how I feel. But today has bothered me all night.

He says its okay I didn’t have to say sorry.

I told him how happy i am with our relationship how we laugh all the time and joke when we are together. And we do we are always laughing when we are together. That we are there for each other whatever happens to help the other out. How it is nice to have that.

He said yes he was glad to and loved it and was happy to help and wanted to anyway he could.

I told him but it’s also hard to be with someone you can’t talk to about things that are important or that are bothering you. You always ask what’s wrong or say somethings bothering me. Want to know what. I tell you we sort of talk about it or i say what i have to say and its on to something else. Anymore i feel like why say anything. Just leave it alone forget it. But i can’t do that. I can’t just stuff it forget it and slap on that pretend happy face until its forgotten or next time. Nor do i want to. Because when that happens it’s the be gaining to the end. I don’t want our relationship to end not over something like not being able to talk about things.

I told him how when I did say again I wasn’t happy how he blew me off and didn’t bother to ask why I wasn’t happy? Felt the way I did or even want to know anything how it made me feel. That I asked questions trying figure out if something was wrong or what. All I got was no nothings wrong I told you. I wanted to have a good day too. Sorry.

I told him how I felt how I feel don’t matter how I just wanted to go home instead of lunch. How yes I got quite because I didn’t know what else to do. I had already told him how I felt and got no where. What else was I supposed to do? Why else would I say anything? What was the point? That I did not want to fight I am so tired of fighting. I just wanted to talk and work it out. But that didn’t happen. That I felt like I am just here until something else comes along or he gets tired of me or finds someone else.

He say’s no he cares how I feel, he don’t want anyone else but me. Still no nothing about why we are having this conversation. Why I am not happy or anything yet. Still as if that was never said and the only thing wrong is that i am upset about the way he did.

So I said I want to tell the kids im excited and scared about it already. Then today just makes me second guess myself wonder if its a good idea. I don’t want that. Im dealing with myself and the past enough with out the added what ifs. I still don’t feel good been sick all evening over it.

All he says is don’t be scared I want to be with you and sorry you been sick.

I told him i know I have dealt with a lot in the past. I know somethings bother me that shouldn’t. But that I don’t say anything because I know it is me not him. That is why this bothers me so much now. Because i am not like a lot of people who are always questioning everything or upset about things that really aren’t a big deal or blow things up. That then this is how I am done when something is a real issue and I say something.

He just says don’t keep it in tell me when something is bothering you. I told him I know he is use to always fighting and things that I really don’t want to. I just want to talk work things out. That if I wanted to just fight I would of earlier. I told him I care how he feels and if something is wrong. That we just need to talk. He said okay babe we will talk some more. I’m sorry and I love you. That was it.

Here we are two days later not a word about what happen that day or why I am not happy or anything else at all. I don’t know how to feel. What to think or how to handle it. I feel that it has now been made clear to him 3 times. The ball is in his court. If he cares like he says then he needs to step up and say something.

Because as far as I’m concerned at this point we had one small but important issue that could of been worked out in 10 minutes of conversation. But now has lead to the issue of him blowing me off and now acts as if nothing happen. Not bringing it back up and the fact that when i am so very bothered by something and flat out say I am not happy he still has not once asked the simple question of why even. That just stands out to me more than anything.

If be said to me look I told you this is bothering me or look I am not happy. First thing I would want to know is why? It is as if it has not even crossed his mind. I wonder how is that not even occured to him even when I have said you didn’t even ask this, this or this. I know guys think different than us. I know it is not an easy subject for him to talk about. I also know that he had a medical issue or what before. I don’t know if that is part of the problem and he is scared to tell me because he is scared I will leave or say something. But I mean of it is a medical thing I 100% understand and really think that if he knew my issue why I am unhappy it could help with him some too. Again not knowing his past to well when it comes to this kind of things the people he been with or what makes it hard. But medical is not a big deal and an easy to deal with. What I unhappy with is an easy fix as well. But it has turned into all these issues.

I think why am i making excuses for him. But I’m not I am just trying to figure out why we have the first problem that started this whole thing. Then I wonder if this is just showing me that maybe this wasn’t a good idea to get with him it is his true colors coming out. Or has he just not worked through what he has been through with his ex and the effect it has had on him. Is he in denial of it all. Was it just to soon. I have talk to her own family that has told me how things were how they do not know how he stayed and put up with it so long. How much happier he was once he left and how happy he has been since we have been together and things. So I know a lot of what he told me was true. I was worried when we got together it hadn’t been that long how he was going to be going into another relationship.



{May 22, 2020}   6 Days In,

And so far doing pretty good. As I am sure you all probably remember from my post last week Emotional Break Down

I started a low-dose birth control pill and I was worried about taking it. When I took them in the past I did not do well on them. But it really was my only option so I decided to try it. Rather than keep trusting what I have been. Don’t get me wrong I love natural family planing and have used it for years, and used it for years before. But I don’t feel it is the best for me to use at this point in life. Seeing as I do not want anymore kids, me and J.W don’t get a lot of time alone and never know when that is going to be and I worry about it all the time. I don’t know what I would do if I ended up pregnant at this point in life.

I started the pill Sunday when I was supposed to and was a little worried. Okay more than a little worried. I had horrible mood swings, felt physically sick, had no libido and just over all nasty. So I just took it and tried to forget it and not think about it. Wasn’t hard to do as busy as we are at work right now. I take it between 1 and 130 every day. I figured that was a good time because I go to lunch then. I don’t like to take anything when I first get up in the morning and didn’t want to deal with it in the evening or at night when I am so tired and other things to do. I set my alarm already so I won’t forget at lunch or if I am busy and work through lunch or take it early. But I know that being busy in the evening I will turn the alarm off and forget it. This way it is right there in my purse at my desk and I have my drink right there. I can just stop and take it.

I haven’t really noticed any thing to bad. I have been a little moody here and there but not anything that sticks around. I haven’t been feeling depressed lately, I have been in a pretty good mood over all. But I am only 6 days in. I hope that over the next few days/weeks that things don’t change.

Because it looks as if that is going to be what I am going to have to use for a while. I don’t make enough to pay over $300 for for insurance for just myself. I make to much to get Medicaid but am to below poverty level to get help on the market place to get insurance there. I reapplied for medicaid hoping the kids would get their’s back since I lost a job. Thank goodness they did. I on the other hand didn’t even get share of cost so I have no coverage what so ever if anything happens.

I did find out today I can get dental and vision insurance at work for around $30 a month. I do not have to have the medical in order to get them. I am going to cancel a few things and bite the bullet and get it. I really need to get new glasses the ones I have are over three years old and I can tell my eyes are worse. I am have got to get something done with my teeth. I hope to go to the local place over here and get them pulled. I think I can get them done for next to nothing. Then hope that I can use the insurance to get the new ones. If it won’t pay for new ones to at least pay a chunk of the cost or most of the cost for new ones. If not then I have been told that the owner at work will help get them done and then take a little out of your check each month. If he would take a little a month not a chunk each week or huge chunk each week.

All I can do with it all is wait and see and hope it works out.



{May 19, 2020}   No Boyfriend to Married

Me and Little Bitty had a talk again last night. She been in a mood all evening and from what I gathered pretty much all day. As soon as we turned the light out to go to sleep she started crying. I asked what was wrong.

She said she just really wanted to see her dad and for him to see how big she was and how good she is doing. She said she wanted him to be proud of her a do things with her. Get to know him.

I told her that one day I hope he will come around and want to know her as well. I said what if we added a new family memeber to our family?

She said yeah but I just want my dad to do things with.

I told her that if I got a boyfriend then he would or could do dad things with her. That her dad would still be her dad but he would do the dad stuff her dad wasn’t here doing with her. She stop crying and thought about it scooted over closer to me.

She said he would?

I said I bet if we find the right one he would. She said but he would have to like me too not just you.

I said if I had a boyfriend he would have to like all of you not just me.

She said I bet he would have a dog and then our dog would have a friend too. But his dog can’t teach our dog bad habitats. They have to play and get along. I said so you can sleep in your room in your bed take the dogs to snuggle. She said no that is okay I like snuggling you better. He will have to snuggle us and watch Heart Land if he lives with us. You two can watch shows I can’t once I go to sleep.

She thought about it some more and said would he be my other Step dad? I said you don’t have a step dad. She said yes and said Father of the year. I told her he was the other kids dad but not her step dad. That if someone was going to be her step dad that would mean we had to get married. She said okay if you find a good one that likes us and you then I guess that would be okay. If you wanted to get a baby you could do that. I said first off no babies. She said well if you got married you have a baby. I said no I have all the babies that I want. I am not having no more babies. She said okay good I would rather you not. So if you get a boyfriend and you get married don’t be going to the hospital because you will end up with a baby. People go there and if there are two red they are pregnant and get a baby. But if there is just one red then they aren’t pregnant and don’t get a baby. I said two red what? She said I don’t know it is just how it works. You go see if you have one or two reds and find out of your are getting a baby.

She told me again how we could work together at the same job and put our money together to pay bills. That he could live with us if he has a nicer house we could live with him.

She stopped and looked worried for a minute. She said be would have to know there is a granny and she is sassy and not be scared off by her. I said i am sure he would understand their is a granny and I think it would take more than her to scare him off. She said I don’t know. I said don’t worry about it I will handle that. She said okay.

This girl is a trip. She said so much more but I was all but a sleep when this conversation took place. I can’t remember it all. But I find it interesting for now she has went from no boyfriend to married. You can read my post A talk with Little Bitty

I told JW this morning he was like we can skip the married part but I am okay with the rest. But you’re going to need a bigger bed. But that is how he is he would do anything and everything for my kids and with them. He loves kids.



I don’t know what is triggering everything but I feel like a mess. I am all over the place, but mostly just want to sleep and can’t sleep. I feel tired all the time. But then lay awake half the night or most of it. If I am not laying awake I am waking up every little bit. Everything is off with everything going on. I don’t know what to do with myself right now since I have went from 65 hours a week to 40. I should have a ton of time to do extra stuff but there is nothing to do because we are locked down and everything is closed. Highlight of the week is grocery shopping on the weekend.

Even with the extra hours I feel like I get no time to do anything that I want to do. Or I am to tired feeling to want to do it. I have no motivation to do anything. Then I stress about what I don’t get done that I should be or could be. I told JW I want to go back to 65 hours a week again I was happier. I knew what I was doing. How do you just switch your brain to working all the time to not being able to do hardly anything at all?

I am not getting to see JW near as much as I was before all this happen. I leave about 2 hours early for work and top at his place. I lay back down with him until he gets up and gets ready for work. Then we go to the little store and i drop him at work at 9 and from there I am at work by 915/930. I work until 630 most nights and pick him up on my way home at 7. If I need to go to the store or what I do but most nights I don’t. He most the time don’t get off until 715 or later anymore. They have been so slammed lately it is unreal. By the time he gets off we get to his house it is 730 or after. He has to take the dog for a walk as soon as he gets home so I just leave and go home most the time. Once in a while I will walk with him then leave. Then I am home for the night by 8. I spend it sitting in my room watching tv or messing around on my phone. Once in a while I will call him and talk to him for a while. Me, him and Little Bitty will laugh and joke around on the phone for a while then I go to sleep. Well try to.

I think a lot I am having trouble with too is the fact that me and JW are not getting time together other than mostly just pick him up drop him off to and from work. Friday and Saturday I don’t get to see him other than when I drop him off Friday morning because he gets off late. Before all this started I was going to see him a lot of time on Saturday night once I got done with the kids and doing things with them. I would give them dinner they would settle for the night I would go see him. Now I can’t do that right now.

It is getting to me that we are not getting that time together. I am not getting the down time I was getting before. I am not getting the us time that we were getting. We are hardly having sex and that is a huge problem for me as well. I know that probably sounds bad but it is true. It is not satisfying when we do, it hardly seem worth it. Most the time I just end up more frustrated and upset than if we had done nothing. It’s rushed and I can’t get into it or about the time I do I got to go or we got to get to work or something. He can tell something is wrong and ask what. I just tell him nothing. I don’t know what to say or how to explain it to him. I don’t want him to feel like it is his fault. I know a lot of it is the way I feel too that is causing me problems as well.

I want to tell him but I don’t want him to feel it is him or upset him. when it isn’t his fault. He knows that I am having a hard time with everything else he don’t know how big of a deal sex really is to me and how much it can and does help or how much it can make things worse. Is that weird? I know it isn’t and why but it seems weird to me too. It has always been a way for me to relax. When I am in a relationship my mood and things are a lot better. I am happier, feel a lot better and deal with things better. It isn’t just because I have help, it is the closeness, bond and them being there. The time we spend together at night after everything is done, the kids are in bed and we can just sit and talk about the day, life and make plans. Go to bed together and wake up together.

When I wasn’t in a relationship I would go see my “friend”. It wasn’t the best but it helped give me the release and boost I needed.

Even if it is rushed at least it helps me decompress. But lately I’m not even getting that out of it. Then he wants to know what is wrong. I just want things to be different and I don’t see things being any different than they are for a long time and that stresses me out even more. I Feel bad for feeling the way I do and worry about some of the thoughts I have had. Then feel bad about those.



et cetera
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