Abuse Is Love

In my last post I said I wasn’t sure what was worse in an abusive relationship, not feeling loved or feeling abuse was love? I think what is worse is when one feels that abuse is love.

I think that feeling abuse is just how one shows love or that it is normal is worse and more damaging. For the one’s who feel it is normal are the one’s who fall back into abusive relationship after another. Or stay to long or all together and don’t try to leave. For whatever reasons this is how their brain has been wired. Maybe they grew up in abusive household were they seen this between mom and dad. This was their normal. They for whatever reasons wasn’t shown love in life to know the difference. Maybe they didn’t grow up with seeing abuse or being around it and they just ended up with the wrong person and they have convinced them this is what love is.

Whatever the reason they find their self in this kind of situation or ending up in them repeatedly isn’t their fault. No matter what one has or hasn’t been through, being abused is not their fault. No one for any reason deserves to be abused. They weren’t asking for it nor did they do anything to cause it. The real problem lyes with in the abuser.

Then you have other’s who find their self in an abusive relationship, while they don’t feel love they know this is not right. They know they need to get out and away. They know that this is not what love is. They just have to figure out how to get out of it and away without making things worse. Once they do they shy away from relationships and pull out that microscope when they think maybe they are ready for one. It takes them awhile to let anyone get close or let anyone in.

But their down fall is they know what it is like to not feel loved and they don’t want others to feel that way. So they sometimes attract the wrong kind of people. They attract others who have been hurt and unloved. Some of them may be abusers too. While they may get close and feel the fire they also see a lot through that microscope and keep them at just enough distance. They have figured out how to set boundaries. So they play with the fire but don’t jump into it. While they still may get hurt it is more feelings and not abuse like in the past.

But when they finally find that one and they let them in they are all in. But they like I said before have their partner under the scope and looking to much into things. They hopefully realise it is more their self than their partner.

We have to know that we have our partner under that scope. When we see something that triggers us, we have to step back and ask ourselves why. Not move in for the kill and blow up on our partner. We have to ask ourselves are we triggered because of things from the past? If so we have to take the past out of it and look at here and now. Look at our partners as our partners. Not as our ex’s. Then we have to look at what it was that triggered us and ask ourselves the past aside in the here and now with this person. Is this really that big of a problem? If so why and work it out.

Someone Flipped The Switch

As I said my meds are not working and I have been a mess. One extreme to the next. Mostly very emotional and depressed. And of course anyone who deals with mental illness knows we take things personal we shouldn’t, we look to far into things and question everything. The one’s of us who have been through abusive relationships are even worse when it comes to this. It is hard enough dealing with the whispers of the what if’s, did you hear what he said and many more from the back of our minds. We ignore them, tell them it isn’t true, and all the good we see in the other person. The good they have brought into our lives and how happy we are. But they are always looking for something to cause us to over think and worry about. When we are already in an emotional depressive state we spiral on every thought.

That is how I was with JW for since I got this way. Everything he he did I was looking at it under a microscope and digging through it with a fine tooth comb because he don’t really want this. He don’t want me look at the mess I am. Look at all the baggage I come with, mental the depression, the abuse I have been through and trying to work through. My situation at home oh and 4 kids why would he want us? He can be free to do whatever whenever and he could find someone who could as well?

Even though I am thinking this and holding on to his ever word and action to prove it something wasn’t right. Something was wrong as I replayed it all over and over. It hit me, even though I was thinking it and my mind was trying to convince me and trying to prove it. I didn’t feel it, I did not feel that way at all. When I really stopped and took everything in I felt a calm peaceful everything was okay.

But when I thought about telling the kids, the future and our lives I felt sick. I felt my anxiety on high, and just couldn’t do anything. The other night I was sitting here messaging with sleeping Beauty about it.

He said he didn’t think I was ready to tell the kids or move in together. That I needed to really do some hard thinking about things before I made any big decisions.

We talked a little more and I was thinking about what he was saying. It was like he flipped that switch the light came on. It wasn’t him I was worried about it is me. I am worried about doing something to mess things up and he is going to leave. Not because he don’t really want this or us. But because I pushed him away. I put my wall up and keep him at arms length. Or I do look at everything he does under that microscope when he really isn’t doing anything. He gets tired of it. I couldn’t blame him.

So the last few day’s I have been trying to back-up give him some space and myself some. To just kind of deal with this and work through it. It isn’t going to happen overnight. But now I know what’s wrong I can move forward with things and seeing everything is okay hopefully will help to work through it.

Why Do I Always Doubt Everything?

Had to edit to add a title lol

I am so happy with J.W and our relationship. He is always committing on me looking at him. Or stairing at him. A lot of times in the mornings when I go over and he is sleeping. I didn’t even relies I was doing it.

But lately it just seems to good to be real and I just lay there and wonder when it’s all going to blow up. The closer we get to telling the kids the more worried about it I am. The more uneasy I feel and the more i wonder if I should tell them. I feel like we are 5 months together it is just a matter of time wait it out. The last relationship only lasted about 8 months. By the time I tell the kids it will probably end so why tell them at this point?

I try to tell myself it isn’t true he cares and wants to be with me and the kids. He is excited about getting to know them and do things be a family. That him and the kids would get along together so well.

My mind goes to but is he really going to want all this once he gets a car? Is he really in this and want it? Once he gets a car is he going to find someone that has more free time? Don’t have all the extra going on? Or just decide he rather be single?

He says all the time why didn’t we talk more back years ago? I wish I knew what was going on and what you were going through. I would of put a stop to it i woulld of helped you. I am so happy you found me and messaged me. I am so happy. He tells me all the time he can’t wait until things are different for us. The kids know things open we can all do things together. Just Thursday night he was telling me when he gets his car and things each weekend he is going to take one of the kids and spend time doing something they want to do just them. To give them some time away from the other kids and some one on one time with them to get to know them and the things they like to do.

Yet I am just waiting for it to all blow up. Thinking is it worth involving the kids. The last few days he keeps asking what is wrong. He say’s I have that look like I want to say something but I’m not. I just say nothing he say’s don’t tell him nothing he knows something is. I don’t know what to tell him or how.

Feeling Loved

Theses are the flowers I got yesterday from JW.

I got there went in he was still sleeping. I went in laid down and woke him up. He looked at me like he was waiting on something.

I said what?

He said something about how I like them? Or didn’t I like them?

Now I am confused and I guess he could tell by the look on my face.

He said the flowers.

Even more confused look than before.

He smiled half laughed and said you haven’t even seen them have you.

Very confused look now. Thinking in my head what flowers? Where was I supposed to of seen them at? Was he dreaming?

He says go look on the stove.

I went and looked there they sat. He went to the store after I dropped him off the night before and got them. He had them all set up so I would see them when I walked in and I would have to walk right next to them to go into his room. Leave it to me to not see them.

When you walk in the front door the living room and kitchen is one area together he is in a 1 bedroom duplex. So to the right on the wall is kitchen to left and right ahead is living room. I went in the dog came out I pet him looked to the left laid my stuff on the couch as I walked into the room and past them. I kind of felt bad he wanted me to find them not tell me to go look for them of course. But we got a laugh out of it.

I took then to work and sat them on my desk since that is where I am most my time will see them most. I don’t have to worry about kids or dog getting to them.

This is what I came into work and found today.

I love how all the little white flowers are coming out in the purple today. They really are pretty.

Figured Something’s Out

After I finally told him Monday night what happen, why I am disconnecting, shutting down and having a hard time all really started to make since. Two and two went together all of a sudden. I knew when I was with my friend I was doing it to a point but didn’t really think much of it or worry about it. It wasn’t causing any issues. But with Jw things are different. I want that connection, closeness, and bond that should be there between couples. Not something that just feels like a hook up or what.

Before I get into the things I figured out let me go back to before things happened the way they did with father of the year. So that things make a little more since.

I was a little shy and embarrassed the first times or so. I wouldn’t be undressed in front of whoever I was with, I would get undressed and cover up if the lights were on or it was lit up in the room. I would wait until it was dark and get undressed. Then I would get dressed once they went to the other room or grab my stuff and go to the bathroom.

That was short lived thankfully, because it just hit me one day. You can get undressed and have sex with them and your good enough for that but scared what they might think or say if they see you naked? What since does that make? Your fine with your body and the way you look. If they have a problem with that then why are you doing anything more with them? So then after that I didn’t really think anything of it after that.

With that said I have always been very open to trying new things, exploring, and vocal. I say let’s try this, do this or don’t do this, I don’t like that, let’s try this instead. Talk dirty to each other just what we felt like doing or was comfortable doing. Sometimes that might just be moan. But I never thought twice about it or felt funny or worried about what the person I was with was going to say, do or think about it. Nor did I ever think anything of what they did or said. We were both just enjoying it. We be together or sometimes in our own little worlds or zones but still aware of what the other was doing or what. If that makes since.

Then with father of the year and his I’m his wife and its my place blah, blah bullshit things changed. Each time I became more and more distant, disconnected and shut down. The only things I could do to keep from crying through it all and to keep from feeling it or being a part of it or involved is more what I am looking for.

Ì noticed with Jw if I am laying on my back he is on top of me and holding himself up on his arms or legs it bothers me. I will tell him lay down relax, get comfortable. He won’t. He says he don’t want to put all his weight on me, he don’t want to hurt me. I tell him it os fine he isn’t going to hurt me. Honestly it feels good to me. It is comforting to me. I wasn’t sure why really. I just knew it bothered me for him to be over me like that but felt good if he laid down. Even if we are just laying there talking he will do that talk to me, kiss me or what playing around. It bothers me.

But thinking about it and everything that has went on it hit me. Father of The Year would get up over me and be like that when he would get mad and I was telling him no. So that i couldn’t move or what. When Jw does that I guess it triggers those memories. That is why I start to with draw or shut down.

But when or if he lays down and relaxes, it is comforting and a grounding type thing for me. I feel safe or that everything is okay. I don’t have to be on edge or expecting the worse I guess. I haven’t said anything to Jw about it yet. I haven’t said anything about anything that I have thought of or figured out yet. It’s been something we haven’t talked about and skirted around since we talked that night. There just hasn’t been a right time or good time the last few nights.

Something else I figured out was that I’m not vocal in anyway anymore really. We joke and laugh about being a “starfish” or what but that is how I feel. I stopped being vocal when all that was going on then when I was with my friend all those years there was almost always people around or coming and going and kids around so we were always pretty quiet then.

Now I start to be and I catch myself and stop myself. I think, is that okay to do? Is he going to say something? Get mad? Does he like that or will he? Is he just going to say I shouldn’t be doing that?

In my head I am telling myself it is fine not to worry about it. He isn’t going to think anything of it and probably like it. Of course now I’m all in my head instead of into what is going on and get all worried about that and it snowballs from there. Then I find myself thinking I wish he just finish already because now I’m not into it and now am I messing things up for him. On and on.

He likes different ways and things and will say lets try this or do this. I have no problem with that but then I feel self conscious if something happens or if I feel I’m not doing what I should be. Even though there isn’t always something to do.

If something happens or it seems he isn’t enjoying it or what I feel like I have done something wrong or not doing something I should be. I will ask him sometimes what je wants me to do or wants to do. I will do it. But lately i have noticed I am having a lot of pain with different things we have tried. I think it is a combination of a few things. The time of the month the fact my uterus is tilted and the fact I am having a hard time relaxing and just enjoying it.

He said the other night he is still nervous to a point as well and not real sure about things either. Because of the normal someone knew getting to know them and what they like or are okay with and just really learning each other and forming that bond or what ever you want to call it. I told him I in the same situation but also dealing with this on top of it. Again he just kept saying he understands not to worry about it, we can take our time, take things slow, figure out how to work through it. That it don’t change anything between us or how he feels. He still wants us. This isn’t going to run him off or scare him away. That he is sorry if he has done anything. I just keep telling him no because he hasn’t it’s me not him.

After thinking about it all and realizing the things I have. I figured out my biggest problem is not getting into it and stopping myself or holding myself back. I want to get into it and enjoy it like I use to. That bothers me the most and I feel that I need to get through first. The other things are things that if I am into it and have that connection aren’t really a problem.

When I was with RC, I didn’t have the same kind of problems. With him the main problem I had was just being all into it and then all of a sudden just shut down and not be able to do anything. Even though I wanted to. Other than that I didn’t have any problem when we were doing things.

But I’m really not sure how to handle it or what to do in order to work through it. I have even thought about trying to go back to counseling but I just don’t know how that is going to work because I don’t have insurance and haven’t had time to now when I wanted to.

Finally Another Beach Night

Saturday Bff called and said she was going out so I went with her. We picked up JW and went to a pool hall over on the Island. We got there it was packed and none of us really wanted to stay. We left and was going to go to Apple bee’s or this other little place I go sometimes. I wasn’t really in the mood to be out around people. I said lets go to the beach. We can get some drinks and take out there walk or just sit and talk. We decided to do that.

Then she was talking to a friend she hadn’t seen in a while and he decides to go with us. We went back and picked him up and got stuff to drink. We went to the pier where I always go and some lady told her they were closed. I tried to tell her we park their all the time it did not matter she was scared and left. We ended up about 6 blocks or more down and parked. We all walked out there started walking down the beach. Next thing I know we look behind us they aren’t there. They had sat down somewhere. We kept walking for a ways and decided we were ready so we turned around to find them.

We sat and talked for a while once we found them then in a bit they got up and started walking again. I was like wait I want to go back to the truck give us the keys. She wouldn’t said we would leave her or what we would do in her truck or something. I said I am tipsy I am not driving and he can’t either. By then they were away from us.

I had to go to the bathroom and decided we were going to walk up this walk off the beach to see if there was a store or something around. We got over the walk and there was the bar. I said we found a bar and a nice big truck. JW laughed said you and your big trucks. I said yep like my trucks. Lets take that one for a ride joking.

The way the bar is set up it different since it is right there by the beach. Its long two sides then all open on the end you walk the length you come in the front walk straight out the back or vs versa. Most of it you are sitting outside. I said lets walk around to the front and come in because it was crawled in the back and all through the place. I really had to go and did not see the bathroom from where we were. We walked around he had one of the beers we had with is open drinking it. I said they are going to make you get rid of that.

We got to the front there were bikes parked there a group of bikers and the bouncer standing around. I knew they were going to stop him I stepped through them walked in amd straight to the bathroom that was right there by the door. As I walked into the bathroom I heard the bouncer say something to him about his drink. I thought yep knew it. He going to be standing outside or arguing with this bouncer when I get back out there. I come out look around he is standing in the bar watching the fight no drink. He come over we walked out. I said what happen? What did he say about your drink? JW said he told me no drinks outside the bar I had to stay inside with it, I said yes I understand walked in with it and finished it so we could leave. He thought we had just come around the building from outback drinking.

After that we walked back down to the beach and started walking back toward where we had parked. Anyone that has been to the beach knows that if you park walk down the beach it is hard enough to find where you came down at if you walk to far down but if you come up on the street and try to walk back you may never find your car. In the dark you may as well forget it. That is why I park at the pier and walk down. I know when I get back to the pier I am where I need to be. Anyway Saturday when we first got down on the beach I stopped was looking back at the walk, the buildings everything around. He said what are you doing? I said looking around. I was looking to see something that would make me remember where we came down and parked. Off we went down the beach. We got back to where we came down and walked up the boardwalk, he was asking if I was sure that was where we came up. We walked up on the walk stood there talking for a bit and he walked down to see if the truck was there. It was he came back. I thought we were going back to the tuck. I started walking toward the truck and thought he was behind me. I guess he went to tell them we found the truck I started walking because I figured they were who knows how far down and I was just in my moods to walk. I walked up to the street and started walking. About the time I got down to the pier he was calling me asking where I was at. I told him and I kept walking. He said they were coming to get me I told them I was walking up to my old job to go to the bathroom again. They were telling me no stay there everything. I told them I crossed A1A and was almost at my old job but they were closed. By that time they were there. We went up to the little store and then to get something to eat. Her and her friend took us to his place and dropped us off. I stayed there for the night.

Saturday was 5 years since my dad passed and I was already not in the greatest moods. Feeling really depressed and then the kids decided that they were going to fight like hell all day. I Tried to take them out and got pissed off and took them home and gave them dinner and got them ready for bed. I took Little Bitty to bed and made her go to sleep before I left because she was the main cause of all the fighting. Then I left. Bff was going to pick me up and I decided to leave take my car. I called her and told her to meet me at his house instead. If I wanted then I could stay there and would have my car. The mood I was in I was not going to drink at all because I knew it would turn out bad.

I ended up laying in the back seat in his lap and crying. Bff said I was telling them they knew not to let me drink. That when we got back to his place she thought I made him man and he was going to leave me and I was going to have to go home with her that night. I guess me and her friend was talking about relationships, sex, and things like that. Her friend said something about going in and being with him, I guess I said I didn’t want to do him. I didn’t mean it that way, I just meant that we had talked about it and wasn’t rushing into things and the mood I was in I didn’t want to be with him like that. I want that to be when I am in a better mood we are both into it. She said at some point around there he kind of put his hands up and walked away to the house. I told her I didn’t think he was mad that everything seemed find when I had left that morning.

We talked a while before I left and I told him I was sorry and things. That I knew it was a bad time that I shouldn’t have drank. He was just like no big deal, it was fine, I didn’t do anything wrong, they been there, he understood. That I wasn’t going to get rid of him that easy. I had a lot on my plate and to deal with and he just wanted to help me with that and that we all need a break sometimes, that it wasn’t that much of one but he hoped it was something. That is was so nice to fall a sleep together and wake up together and that he was happy.

I love him I feel bad that things turned out the way they did. I was going to get one drank and drink that was it. Then they didn’t have it and we ended up with a 6 pack. I ended up drinking most of it. I drank it to fast as well. It hit me hard.

I told Bff that last year about this time was my bad moonshine night. But that at least Saturday wasn’t near as bad as last year when all that happen. That hey I didn’t scare this one off. Maybe he is a keeper and plans to stick around.

I swear at this point no more drinking this time of the year at all. I know when I should drink and when I shouldn’t just like I didn’t drink New Years eve because I knew I wasn’t in the right place mentally and that it would end up pretty bad. I was already depressed and mad that night too. I told her we needed another night like my birthday a few years ago. When we are all in a good mood and just have a good time.

Not a Boyfriend

I seen something on Facebook today that said she desires a partner, not a boyfriend. It made me think, It seems odd to call JW my boyfriend. I don’t know why it just seems weird to me. But I don’t know what to call him either my friend don’t seem right either. Partner seems weird to me as well. It’s like why wouldn’t you just say boyfriend instead of partner?

I know I probably sound crazy and it is one of those things that I have put way to much thought into. But what can I say it is how my brain is. Maybe it helps to keep my mind off of everything else that is going on. Grab something pointless and think way to much about it.

It isn’t just the fact it is him or what, it is anyone it seems odd to call them a boyfriend. It strikes me as odd when other people say this is my boyfriend other than like kids or what. But on the flip side it don’t seem odd or weird to me if I guy says this is my girlfriend or if he said to someone this is my girlfriend.

So what do you call your girlfriend/boyfriend if you are not married?

The Night Went Well

Last night I was talking to bff on my way home from work. She told me not to go see JW to just go home. She was in a bad mood and going to screw things up. She says I am just trying to run away from love and someone who cares about me. She says I’m scared.

I don’t think so, I think I am tired of putting my life on hold. But maybe i am I don’t know anymore. This week is a really hard week for me as it is with it being the week I lost my dad. Add in the rent shit going on and now looking at finding a place in a month and now a new relationship. I will go from fine to pissed in seconds for no reason and i know it. That is how i was yeaterday and it lasted all day.

I try to keep to myself not mess with anyone because I know it is me not whoever. I don’t want to say or do something because I’m mad or in a bad mood that has nothing to do with them. But last night i was going there to break up with him and to confront him about what he said about going doing what is best for me and the kids and about if he ever wanted to move or would consider it and why am I the one putting my life on hold for him? I knew I was dwelling on it and it would not be a civil conversation.

When I got there he was in a bad mood too. He had been into it with a guy at work.

I just decoded to tell bff to come get us lets go out just to get us both out of the house and not have an argument.

I seen him this morning and he was in a better mood i sure was. But we haven’t talked. We have only seen each other a few minutes. I do want to sit down talk with him about it all. Maybe this evening or one day next week.

Topic Of The Day—Day 2 What Attracts You In Love

I wanted to get this up and going the first week of the month but I have been a little distracted with life and all that comes with it. Some good, some bad but getting through and doing alright. That’s other post later on. But since I didn’t get to really start last week we will get the ball rolling now.

So what does attract you when it comes to love?

This was a hard one for me for a long time and I think I have just come to really figure it out and even out a little bit. I have never been one to really judge anyone where ever they were at in life if they were trying and progressing in some way. I would consider or give a lot of people chances. not because I’m desperate or can’t get anyone but just because I know what it is like to be in hard spots, fall on tough times and know how hard it is to claw your way out of them sometimes.

But at the same time I think that I was maybe a little to understanding, over looked a little to much and helped make excuses. I do believe that everyone can move from where they are and move up if they want it bad enough and look in the right places. But you quickly learn that most are where they are because they are happy there and it is what works for them. Even if it isn’t that great. They have no desire or drive to have more. In order to have more they would have to put in more of an effort and get up and do something. Like maybe get a better job where they are working more than a few hours a week, or somewhere they make more money or they may need to get a 2nd job for a while.

It isn’t easy to pull yourself out of a bed spot. But when I look at where I was, where I have been, how far I have come and the fact that I have basically done it on my own, I can’t feel sorry for anyone or make excuses for anyone really. Because if I can do it then there is no reason a grow man not taking care of anything but himself can’t. I know a lot of single dads who are doing it as well who have their kids full time as well.

That is what really made it hit me one day. I was at the store and two or three grown men come up asking me for money. I am just looking at them like they have lost their minds. Most have nothing wrong with them but they need their next fix, you can tell. It made me mad I work my ass off they are doing this want want money. Then I started looking at others and where they are and what they are doing and where they were and how far they have or haven’t come and it is like is anyone really trying? It changed my views thoughts and opinion on a lot of things.

Anyway back to topic at hand here. What attracts you?

I am looking for someone that first and for most they have to have goals, ambitions or whatever you call them. I am always changing and always growing and always striving to do better, be better, have better. I like to do new things, try new things, change things up. I don’t want the best of the best, or feel like I need to be better than anyone or have better than anyone. I am happy with who I am and what I have at this point in life because I know it isn’t all there is and that if and when I want something different I can make that happen.

It is more about not being happy just existing, not being happy with just getting by or just mundane doing the same thing over and over again. You have to have a purpose in life or it just has no meaning. If someone don’t have that it is a no go for me. I can’t drag someone around or pull them up when they have no desire for anything more than what they are doing. I also can’t be happy just joining them where they are and sitting.

I want someone who is on level with me or damn near close. I do care where you are what you are doing where you came from how far you have come and what you are doing to keep going and get better do better have better or what.

I want someone that understands my kids come first and have to because I am all they have.

I need someone who is going to ask questions and wants to understan where I am coming from why I do what I do. Someone who I can have conversations with and get somewhere not just small talk.

I want someone who loves me for me not what I can do for them give them or have.

I want someone that wants a family not just a fling or girlfriend.

I Find It Funny

How do guys meet you and think it’s great that you “aren’t like the rest” But then try their damnedest to get you to screw around with them, or “help” them out.

It’s like okay are you not listening? Do you know how stupid you sound and look? Do I look desperate to you? What is it that makes you think that your so great or special that we just met, started talking or been talking and I am going to just say oh what the hell and do it? Especially when we aren’t even talking a relationship or interested in one. They say they just want to see where it goes, just want to be friends, not looking for a relationship. You tell them what your looking for and they still think your just going to make an expression or change your mind for them.

I know it’s the sliver of hope they have and it’s the fun of trying. But dang, I think I would get tired of trying and feel like an idiot for trying after a while. It never crosses my mind to even keep trying if I know someone really isn’t interested. I guess that’s why guys and women are so different.

As bad as the other one telling me you really aren’t like the rest. But you just don’t get how this works. You need to………….

Yes I know how it works and I have no desire to play that game. I have no need to.