{August 2, 2018}   At a Standstill

I feel like my whole life is at a standstill right now. I have no idea what to do or where to go to make anthing happen or what I should do first. I feel like I am just keeping myself from sinking and I am slowly losing that. I want to move, i want to date find someone to be with, i want to find a better job, i want my mother out of my house. I need to redue my house get new stuff for it. I have no idea where to start. I have no money for anything. I just want to run away from it all. I am so over dealing with it all. I just don’t want to anymore. I just want to go to sleep not wake up or go to sleep and things be better. I know none of that is going to happen. I just wake up and hate life and dread getting out of bed and then get back in it as soon as I get home. My biggest problem for me right now is my house. It should be the one place i can go get away and relax and it isn’t anymore. It is causing me as much stress as everything else. A huge reason is my mother being here and the other needing new beds and things. So we can live normal again. I can’t get her out and have no money to buy the things we need. I have let it get out of hand because of the stress of dealing with her. Hopes she would leave as well and because im tired or caring and doing and trying. If i was to get with my friend or Sleeping Beauty i wouldn’t want them to come over or move in until i could get everything in order here. I feel like i can’t do anything until i get her out.

I feel if I am going to start over here why waste my time, why not just go somewhere else. But then how? Where? I even thought if i got with one of them just moving if or once we decided to move in together. But that be crazy for us to do here because we will not find anything cheaper than where I am. Unless we move away.

I did not get money i expected to get the first so now i am further in the hole spending money i don’t have. Who knows how long it will take to get this fixed.

I am still laying in bed its after 12. I should be up taking care of stuff but my 5 yr old is snuggled beside me still as well. Makes it to easy to stay. I don’t work today so why not. I need a shower to fix my hair enroll kids in school fix the money thing and take care of the things i can and that have to be. But i still lay here.

{May 17, 2018}   A Much Needed Break

After work tonight I went out with my bff and her friend for a much needed break. I love my kids, but with Little Bitty being sick all it has been hell. Well between me and her being sick at the sametime I should say.

She already having a hard time with me being gone so much at night. Now with her sick all she wants to do is be stuck to me like glue if I am home. We lay down she wants me to cuddle her and hold her just so. Or sitting on my lap or against me. I do it most nights I cuddle her just how she wants.

But with me being sick and her wanting to be on me anytime I am around, by the time we go to bed at night, I just want to lay how ever I want so I am comfortable. I don’t want to cuddle and lay how she wants me to. I try to explain and compromise but she just gets upset and cries because she don’t feel good either. I am trying so hard but there been nights I just say this is how Im laying figure out where your laying or how this is it. I just hurt so bad and feel so bad. I feel bad she gets upset but I can’t help it. Again I am giving, giving, giving and not getting what I need in returne.

I am just touched out with her right now, I just need space. I just need cared for. There no one to do that, then I just need that time away to destress and do what I can to make myself feel as better as I can.

I haven’t been out with them in awhile, because lately she been up when I get off. I have to come home take care of her get her to sleep and it is to late. Tonight she was a sleep so I stopped on my way home for a while. We hardly talked or anything we just sat listen to everyone sing and went home. I ordered a tea that was it. I didn’t even eat tonight.

But I still had a good time. My bff kept asking me what was wrong? Really wasn’t anything just had a few things on my mind. Nothing really wrong. Just things I have not talk to her about yet. Didn’t really want to get into with our other friend there. She a friend I guess but not someone I am close to or want to get into somethings with right now. I don’t know that I want to talk to my bff about it yet either. She is going through a lot right now. I think I just need to decide somethings on my own for now. Then depending on what I decide or what happens will decide if I even tell her.

I am just happy I got some time to relax and destress.

{January 19, 2017}   Medication Change is a No Go

Why am I in this love hate relationship with my medication? I just don’t know what to do, I enjoy my evenings and having time after the kids go to bed to just relax, I hate going to be so early it feels so odd to me and I feel like I have unfinished things to be taken care of and like I am still going from the day. Why is it that the medication that makes me feel better makes me so tired? It’s not just it it is all medications just about other than an antibiotic. I so wish I could be one of these people who can just take whatever they need and it works for them without knocking them out in a few minutes. I love to be able to take something for my back when it gets bad, or to just be able to take my one pill that helps me function and not want to sleep all day. Boy isn’t that ironic if I don’t take the pill I am depressed and stay in bed all day sleeping. If I do take the pill I’m not depressed but I still want to stay in bed all day sleeping. At least if I don’t take it I can force myself to get up and function when I need to. If I take the pill then I can’t even force myself to get up I have to wait for it to wear off. I have been think about trying something else but like I said everything I take makes me sleepy and knocks me out. I would be a horrible drug addict, I never really feel the high or whatever from the shit I took because I would be knocked out for the day in just a few minutes. It would be a waste of money and drugs. Okay just kidding, I know it isn’t funny but it is true, I would pass out and not wake up for days if I took as much as I have seen people take. I take my pain pill, muscle relaxer and 800 ibuprofen and I’m out for the day. These people popping 6 to 8 pills at a time and going on about their day like they just ate a handful of candy or something.

Then there is my Big Boy and a few others I know who take the same things or even medications to help them sleep and they keep them awake. I could live with taking my pill and staying awake even better than falling a sleep with in a few minutes. At least I would be able to get the things I need to get done and have time to relax. I am use to being up for days at a time from having the insomnia. Why don’t the pill and the insomnia canceled each other out and I would just be somewhat normal and be able to lay down and go to sleep when I was ready to? Wouldn’t that be nice.

Tonight I am going to take half and in the morning after I drop the kids all off at school I am going to take the other half and see how it works. I was going to do it the other day but then I had to be in class the next morning so I couldn’t take it in case it knocked me out. This way I can drop them off not have to be back there until 3 so if it makes me sleepy I can lay down for a little bit until it wears off. And if I take it at night and it makes me sleepy then I will just go to bed again without getting my stuff done. I am thinking if I take less maybe it won’t effect me as bad. But then once it gets built up in my system I don’t know how it will. Hopefully once it does it will not make me as sleepy either. I just have to see.

I’m wondering as I write this if they gave me something that also has something in it to help you sleep since they knew I was staying up for days unable to sleep. I am going to look it up and see.

For now I have to get off here and go take my friend some places and then get the kids and take them to their meeting and then get the little kids and come home and do the dinner, baths and all that.

{August 4, 2016}   Much Needed Lazy Day

Monday was my Little Guy’s last day of vpk, he will start school the 16th. We only had one place we had to be today and that wasn’t until 4:30 so I turned the alarm off before I even went to sleep and turned the phone down so I wouldn’t hear it and I slept for a while today. I was up and down a few times this morning. Then went to sleep for a while longer. Even after I woke up I laid here for an hour or two before I finally got up about 11:30.

I made all the kids take showers and do a load of laundry and we still ended up leaving early for therapy. We stopped at the thrift store up the street from our house the kids ended up getting a stack of board games and Little Bitty got a big nice Elmo board book. We stopped got drinks and went on to therapy.

After we left there I dropped the three little ones with Father of The Year and my and my oldest went to the store. I got flowers and a vase for my friend and we went up to see her. I hadn’t been up since I left Monday when they kept her, but she knew I probably wouldn’t make it back until at least today. She was surprised to see the flowers I think. She was saying how nice they were. I found a vase it said live, laugh, love on it. I thought it a little nicer than just a plain vase. I told my oldest I wanted to go see her and get her some I didn’t know if anyone had been to see her or brought her anything. She is feeling pretty bad right now and scared with everything going on and last Friday being her birthday and all and spending it in the hospital, then finally being admitted Monday. She thought it was her stomach and things and they are now telling her it is her heart. I spent an hour or so with her and came home. Ended up spending forever in the store when I went in for fries and drinks. Walked out spending over $60. I found my Big Boy shorts they had on sale and a few shirts. I got Little Bitty a night gown we are working on wearing clothes and gowns when we go to bed, she just had a long sleeved one from winter I tried to get her to wear. I got a few shirts and disappointed because the one doesn’t fit. I hate returning stuff but I guess I have too. Of course if I get into the gym like I want I should be able to fit in it in a few months but I need clothes now.

Now I am about to take one of the two midterms I need to take by this evening so that I have it done and out of the way. Then I will have one study guide one midterm and one lesson to have done this evening.

Tomorrow I have three places I need to go only two I have to go to and we don’t have to be to the one until 3 and the other I go straight to when I leave there. I need to take Little Bitty to the doctor to get her stuff done since they didn’t do it last week but I can take her there Friday or Monday or even wait until the kids start School next Wednesday and take her.

Friday I am back to running my mom and grandma around again. I have to take grandma to the doctor at 11  or 12 something. Then I have to take my mom to the college to do her test. I may just take Little Bitty to the doctor why she is doing her test who knows. I love that their doctor takes walk ins for anything and everything whenever. Ah I just thought with school starting next week they will be slammed packed with kids. I think I will wait until the first day of school. The big kids have to be there by 9 and I can go straight from there to the doctor with her and they shouldn’t be so busy. That will be a Wednesday in the middle of the week as well. I think I will do that instead.

I better get off here it isn’t getting any earlier and I need to get at least this one test done. It is mostly all writing as well. Maybe I will just do my study guide get up early do the one test and then do the other one when I get home. I just feel so much more relaxed doing them in the evening but not when I have to rush because they are due in a little bit. I am going to go check everything out see what I decide to get done.





et cetera
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