Single___Parent___Life











I don’t know what is triggering everything but I feel like a mess. I am all over the place, but mostly just want to sleep and can’t sleep. I feel tired all the time. But then lay awake half the night or most of it. If I am not laying awake I am waking up every little bit. Everything is off with everything going on. I don’t know what to do with myself right now since I have went from 65 hours a week to 40. I should have a ton of time to do extra stuff but there is nothing to do because we are locked down and everything is closed. Highlight of the week is grocery shopping on the weekend.

Even with the extra hours I feel like I get no time to do anything that I want to do. Or I am to tired feeling to want to do it. I have no motivation to do anything. Then I stress about what I don’t get done that I should be or could be. I told JW I want to go back to 65 hours a week again I was happier. I knew what I was doing. How do you just switch your brain to working all the time to not being able to do hardly anything at all?

I am not getting to see JW near as much as I was before all this happen. I leave about 2 hours early for work and top at his place. I lay back down with him until he gets up and gets ready for work. Then we go to the little store and i drop him at work at 9 and from there I am at work by 915/930. I work until 630 most nights and pick him up on my way home at 7. If I need to go to the store or what I do but most nights I don’t. He most the time don’t get off until 715 or later anymore. They have been so slammed lately it is unreal. By the time he gets off we get to his house it is 730 or after. He has to take the dog for a walk as soon as he gets home so I just leave and go home most the time. Once in a while I will walk with him then leave. Then I am home for the night by 8. I spend it sitting in my room watching tv or messing around on my phone. Once in a while I will call him and talk to him for a while. Me, him and Little Bitty will laugh and joke around on the phone for a while then I go to sleep. Well try to.

I think a lot I am having trouble with too is the fact that me and JW are not getting time together other than mostly just pick him up drop him off to and from work. Friday and Saturday I don’t get to see him other than when I drop him off Friday morning because he gets off late. Before all this started I was going to see him a lot of time on Saturday night once I got done with the kids and doing things with them. I would give them dinner they would settle for the night I would go see him. Now I can’t do that right now.

It is getting to me that we are not getting that time together. I am not getting the down time I was getting before. I am not getting the us time that we were getting. We are hardly having sex and that is a huge problem for me as well. I know that probably sounds bad but it is true. It is not satisfying when we do, it hardly seem worth it. Most the time I just end up more frustrated and upset than if we had done nothing. It’s rushed and I can’t get into it or about the time I do I got to go or we got to get to work or something. He can tell something is wrong and ask what. I just tell him nothing. I don’t know what to say or how to explain it to him. I don’t want him to feel like it is his fault. I know a lot of it is the way I feel too that is causing me problems as well.

I want to tell him but I don’t want him to feel it is him or upset him. when it isn’t his fault. He knows that I am having a hard time with everything else he don’t know how big of a deal sex really is to me and how much it can and does help or how much it can make things worse. Is that weird? I know it isn’t and why but it seems weird to me too. It has always been a way for me to relax. When I am in a relationship my mood and things are a lot better. I am happier, feel a lot better and deal with things better. It isn’t just because I have help, it is the closeness, bond and them being there. The time we spend together at night after everything is done, the kids are in bed and we can just sit and talk about the day, life and make plans. Go to bed together and wake up together.

When I wasn’t in a relationship I would go see my “friend”. It wasn’t the best but it helped give me the release and boost I needed.

Even if it is rushed at least it helps me decompress. But lately I’m not even getting that out of it. Then he wants to know what is wrong. I just want things to be different and I don’t see things being any different than they are for a long time and that stresses me out even more. I Feel bad for feeling the way I do and worry about some of the thoughts I have had. Then feel bad about those.



et cetera
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