{February 16, 2015}   What’s one my mind

My eyes have been opened to a lot this last week while taking care of things for my dad. I have sat down and started writing 3 or 4 times over the last week about a lot of different things that have been on my mind but I just can’t stay focused or on track. They just get saved as drafts that maybe some day I will be able to finish when I am in a better place. Some of it isn’t a big deal some of it I feel is very wrong. But that is all another post. Because to be honest I still don’t feel like writing.

But I went and picked my dads ashes up Thursday and the copies of the death certificates. They also gave us the papers the obituary is in.

I don’t know why I did it but I read the death certificate. I know I shouldn’t have. I wasn’t thinking about it I never seen one I just took it out to see what all was on it and things. I knew the cause of death would be on it but I already knew that. It was cancer.

What I didn’t know is that it wasn’t cancer. The cancer caused all the problems but wan’t listed as the cause. Now I keep going over the cause over and over in my mind and what it means and what happened. From there I keep seeing all that happen that day when everything started happening. Then I start to wonder if moving him prolonged things and if he suffered more because of it and it just snowballs from there. Into why didn’t I go the day before and see him. Why it happened when it did.

I think about how we haven’t been to church in close to two years and we went for the first time last Sunday. We left from church to see my dad and this happen. I am surprised the kids have not thought of it. If they have they have not said anything about it. I don’t think it is a bad thing I don’t really know how to think of it or look at it. Nothing just happens everything happens for a reason, everything happens the way it dose for a reason. I am glad the kids haven’t thought of it or said anything about it. All they have talked about is how much they like that church and asked every day what day it is how many more until they can go back. They were so excited today that we could finally go back.

Then the ashes, picking out the urn I had to make sure it would be the right size since I didn’t order it from the place. I got one that said it would hold someone almost twice his size. I know someone said they got one that was for their persons size it was to small. I looked on the site it told how to decided. One whatever they means it will hold one pound. I figure like anything you figure it is going to be off by a little. Then you have to ad in the casket as well. So this one said it was 1.89 I think and they said he was just under 100 lbs weeks before he passed. I remembered someone saying how the ashes were heavier than they expected. All I thought about all day is they are going to be heavier I didn’t want to drop it or something not expecting it. But when they gave it back to me I was really surprised how heave it was and how full it feels. They had him in something before I got there and then when I came to pick him up I gave them the urn we got and they put him in that for me. I didn’t see what he was in before or them put him in it. So then I wonder did all of him fit in it? If he hadn’t would they have told me? Or just do away with them? I know they aren’t supposed to but still you never know.

This is what is on my mind and keeps going around and around over and over again. Its been a week and it just don’t seem real even with thinking about all that all the time. I look at my baby girl and think how she isn’t going to even remember her grandpa. I don’t even know if I have pictures of them together or not. I think about how much they meant to him and how much he is missing. I think about…………….

et cetera
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