Single___Parent___Life











Do you ever have a random thought that your mind latches onto and will not let go? It’s the tiniest thing and meaningless but for whatever reason your mind decides it is as important as the the $100 bill in your pocket. It keeps coming back to it scared your going to lose it or something.

That is what my mind has done this past week. Last week while driving I reach to get something and was driving with my right hand. It felt very awkward and was hard to drive and do what I was trying to do with my left hand.

At that time I thought hum that is odd, I am right handed but drive with my left and it is hard to drive with my right. I wondered why that was and I came to the conclusion that it was just the natural way I had trained myself since I am right handed and use it to do things. If I wanted to do something like grab my drink I would use my right hand leaving the left on the wheel and have just gotten use to it that way. I wondered if it was just me or if others were  the same.

I then went on about the rest of my day not giving it another thought, so I thought. But now since then my brain hasn’t let it go. I think it a dozen times while I am driving. It don’t matter if I am going to the store two blocks up the road or 20 miles to work. It comes up and I think about it over and over again until i get were I am going. Sometimes even while I am where I am going for a bit until I get busy with something else.

How crazy is that? Why is my brain doing this to me over something so meaningless?

So here we go since it is there and I am telling you about it what say you all?

Are you right handed or left handed?

What hand do you drive with?

 

  1. Right handed drive with the right
  2. Right handed drive with the left
  3. Left handed drive with the left
  4. left handed drive with the right

I know we all should be driving with both hands on the wheel but lets be honest we know that we all don’t drive with both hands on the wheel all the time so give us your answer. I find myself driving with both hands more now that I have this new car but I think because it don’t have arm rest like my truck did. I think the arm rest is also part of the reason I drive left handed. But I can remember driving left handed way back when I first started driving thinking about it more even when I didn’t have things to reach for or do. I drove left handed. I remember my aunt talking about how I held the wheel and drove and how awkward it was to her. I held the little part inside the wheel not the wheel its self. I don’t know I drive more like that now in my smaller car as well. But I had a little truck when I first started driving. handled a lot like my car. That is probably why. Okay enough I am rambling now it is random not rambling thought.

Tell us in the comments are you 1, 2, 3 or 4 my weird mind wants to know. Maybe it will drop it and let this thought go once it finds out.



{April 26, 2019}   The Thrill of The Hunt

While writing another post I had the thought, why do we always want what we can’t have or what doesn’t want us? Why do we feel the way we do about people and why do we have feelings for people that aren’t good for us, but not the same feelings for the ones that want us or are better for us? Why don’t we see it at the time? We take so long to before it hits us that wow that one is no good and this one we pushed away was probably what we have been looking for all along for years and now we pushed them away.

It hit me it isn’t really about the person so much as it is about the hunt or the catch is probably better word. They say there are plenty of fish in the sea, it is finding that one and then trying to catch it. If they play hard to get or what just makes it that much more intrigued or want it more because you think you know them think you have them figured out. All while you know this isn’t good this isn’t right and they do this or that and make you made you then make excuses for them. They are just scared, they are just not sure yet, they are just waiting for……the list goes on and on. Then once you catch them or something happens and changes your mind about them you will keep pursuing it knowing that it probably isn’t going to last or there are going to be problems. But that is okay with you. Because your so messed up you see this you wanted it and your not taking no for an answer and your so messed up that you know it isn’t going to last but that is okay because you don’t go into it expecting it to last. But you are still trying because you are to scared to get into something with someone that may have a chance of going somewhere because you are scared of getting hurt again like you did with the last relationship where you really let someone in and they killed  you by leaving.

With someone you already know or someone who is interested it isn’t the same, the thrill of the hunt isn’t there the trying to catch them is gone. The Adventure  of it all and getting to know them isn’t there. I have always been one that the chemistry and feelings before getting with someone are a lot stronger than after and after it is a just oh well now what and okay how long will this last or what is going to happen? If it works out it works out, if it don’t, it don’t no big deal. Not that I didn’t care for them or have feelings for them, it’s just different.

The only one that I really felt different about was RC. I felt a lot different and even though I had the feeling something was going to happen, I let him in, in a way that I hadn’t anyone else and tried to push the something happening thoughts out and ignored them.

Since him I have not been that close to anyone else. I had feeling for others but not like RC. As I said in other post I have been pushing the wrong one away and going after the ones I should be pushing away. Am I trying to fix something that happen in the past with one of these or just keeping up enough of that wall to hopefully keep from getting hurt again? Since I know it probably won’t last, but that’s what I’m hoping to fox and get them to stay like I couldn’t with RC? Like Sleeping Beauty wanting another kid so he can be in this one’s life? Are we all just looking for that one person that we can fix all our past mistakes with? Instead of the one who is right for us?



Last night my mom wanted to take a ride to his job and see if he was still there and talk to him. We got there about 930/945 because we didn’t know if he would be working a 8 or 10 hour night. He would be off by 10 if it was only 8. She wanted to go today but we weren’t sure if he was working because if they work 10 hours days he wouldn’t work again until Monday evening but working 8 hour nights he work Friday and Saturday too. We went ahead and went last night to see. We got there there his truck was sitting there. I thought it was odd windows were cracked. I pulled up behind it so he could’t pull out. We got out there was a guy with tools putting them in a truck we asked if he was there he took us right inside here he was coming down the hall pushing his little cart. As soon as he seen us she started freaking out what are you doing here get out leave you have to leave. I was telling him I needed the money he owed me and that the lights were going to go off this morning if I didn’t pay them. He got right on the phone and ran the other way and hid. He called the police. We were trying to see where he went because she wanted to ask him if he had all he wanted from her house so she could throw it all away. The other guy was back inside he started saying we had to leave. She asked him to ask him let us know we were leaving. As we were leaving we ran into him in the hall we asked him he was yelling at us leave just leave she asked him again he said yes he had all his stuff out of there and that he didn’t want anything else. I was telling him the kids were asking for him they were in the truck and wanted to see him. He said he didn’t care just to leave. We went out she got in the truck they were telling me to look in his truck I said nothing in there. The kids were saying no something or someone was in there. I couldn’t hear them the windows were up. I finally walked over and looked in the driver door because I was right there on that side. Sure as shit she is laying up in his truck sleeping. Well acting like it the kids said soon as we walked inside she started looking for something they think she picked up the phone. I think he must have called her before he called the police to see if she was out there or knew we were there. I was beating on the window telling her to get out she wouldn’t she just lay there looking at me. He was at the door of the school holding the door so it couldn’t be opened with him inside watching me beating on the window of his truck telling her to get out. He didn’t bother to come out side and try to tell me to leave her alone or get away from his truck nothing. I finally just left as I was pulling away the police had pulled up and was getting out. They stopped me and ask what was going on I told her I just came there to try to talk to him when he got off work let him know what was going on that he started yelling and screaming at me as soon as he seen us and called them we had done nothing. They took my id and everything came back said not to come back there or go looking for him I was going to be the one to end up in trouble not him blah blah. I said that is fine I don’t plan to, thought maybe we could talk like adults and he would at least say something to his kids that are sitting in the truck 2 feet from him calling him wanting to know why he won’t call or come over like he told them he would. But I guess it just shows everyone and them what kind of person he really is and that he really don’t care about anyone but him self. She said because it was domestic there would be a report made that if I needed it I could come down and pick it up.
Who know what all he said in it and how many lies he told them because he was talking to them a long time, a lot longer than they talked to us before and after we were done talking to them. He was still standing there with them when we left talking to them. The officer said no one was in trouble no one had said any one done anything to anyone or anything like that so I am not worried about it. They have my name and address and everything if they need me they can come talk to me. Because the guy that works with him was there and the kids everyone knows no one did anything to anyone. If he wants to try that crap.

I talked to her ex again and said she was asking him about me again. She asked if he told me he had my keys? He told her yes I was getting them this weekend. She said oh no bullshit there or something like that. He said what between me and her no we are straight why would there be? He said he told him then she thought they were straight too. He said me and you no we are far from straight or ever being straight I just trying to be an adult about everything get your stuff out of my house so I don’t have to deal with or talk to you ever again you have burnt this bridge to many times basically is what he told her. They have known each other since they were 14 he has always helped her out he has been her safe place to run all her life when shit hits the fan with whatever guy of the night/week she is with when it don’t work. He told her he is done not just because of how she went about leaving but the fact of what she done to the kids and the jam she left us in. He loves me kids he always has, we had made plans to all get together they were going to come over him the kids were going to cook dinner for me and Wanda and all of us watch a move. My kids like him as well and they had been talking about cooking and different things. They decided to get together and do that, he has never had kids of his own and his siblings and their kids live out of state and grown or whatever. But this is how close we all were, he came over before when she was watching the kids to hangout watch tv with them and do whatever. He is the one when I was joking with Wanda before about having my kids if something happen my Big Guy said so he will be our new daddy? When we said you have a daddy he said oh yeah I forgot. So the way him and her are doing the kids now after being so close her saying they are like family and things he is done.

He even said today if you jerked her out of the car and stomped her ass last night I wouldn’t blame you I want to watch or see a video because it is about time she got what she has coming. He said but don’t go do something like that again and take them. He said he has that report now and shows you brought the kids and that isn’t good for you if he goes to court. I said I know but I didn’t expect that to happen. I really just figured he see the kids talk to them tell me go to hell he wasn’t giving me anything and we would go on. I said I figured I try that slim chance he may be a man and say okay I will call pay the lights in the morning when my check goes in. But he was a scared whipped puppy and yelled and called the police. He said I just don’t want to see him use it against you and you lose the kids. He said I could careless what you do to either one of them and you have every right too after what they have done. But the kids do not need to be with them and will not be happy with them. He told them he still like together and cook and watch a movie maybe one night he would come over give me a break let me go out for a little bit they could make dinner and watch a movie.

My other friend that I use to talk to and hang out with all the time came home why I was there and she walked over and was talking to us. She was talking about how she got a hold of her and wanted her to be okay with it and things. She said she told her no it wasn’t right this was very wrong and what she did was not forgive-able that you do not do that kind of thing. She said she had tried to get a hold of another friend of theirs as well the other night why father of the year was at work and he wasn’t talking to her either. I don’t know about him if he is or not but they figure she is just trying to make peace with someone so that she has somewhere to go and this time she has burnt her bridges. She told her but how was she supposed to ignore her feelings? He was her soul mate, they were meant for each other. She said I have seen how he is I have seen how he did her, I have seen the abuse first hand, I have seen how unstable he really is, said she told her but she was different, he wouldn’t do that to her, it wasn’t like that with her he wouldn’t ever treat her that way. She said okay it is always different with the next one until he snaps on them, it is always going to be different, he has always changed when the new one comes along. That is what ever abuser says, they say it was her fault she did this and that to cause it too but you are going to see and he just may hurt you. She said something about the kids and Wanda told her oh the kids loved her they were like family they like her and they wouldn’t be a problem. She said yeah that was before you and him ran off and did all this shit and done them and their mom the way you are leaving them to fight and struggle. She said her kids are not stupid kids, they are very smart and understand way more than you think and they are not going to be like family and like you after all this. Said she said oh your taking her side after all she said about you and said she was going to do? She said yes I am because regardless of anything else wrong is wrong and what you did is wrong, it’s very wrong and I am seeing now that a lot of it was just lies from you. She said her problem is she is sick no one ever puts her in her places calls her out or whatever they all try to help her protect her or what over look the crap she does. She said I had a lot then just was done with her and then this happen and I am seeing and finding out a lot that was lies.

She also told me that she has messages saying that she told her she was just using me to get food and the things she needed, that she wasn’t really friends with me and things. She said then you were here all the time going places doing things every time I seen you two together you were always laughing and things. She said now she did you this way and you aren’t forgiving her, you aren’t over looking it, you are standing up to her and now others are too and she has no where to turn and she is scared. I said well you know I am not going to back down I don’t care who it is I will stand up to them with no problem or thought of ever backing down. She said lord I know that you wanted to go beat on RC’s door at 9 at night when you were pregnant and I wouldn’t let you. I said yes I did I would have too if you had stopped the car. I said I don’t care I would have done it, she said I know she has met her match I feel sorry for her because she is on her own with this and what she done because it was so wrong.



I am a little ticked off about my mid term I took for my basic counseling skills class the week before last. We just now got them back because one girl didn’t show up to take hers so we had to wait until she took it before he would grade them and let us see them. I don’t understand his thinking either because he grades it gives it back so we can look at it then takes them again. Not just test but all our papers. Seems odd but whatever.

Anyway it was a 50 question mid term and worth 100 points. I get mine back and it says 92 and it is crossed out and says 94. I figured that was because he skipped a question and forgot to add the points for that one in to make it 100. I glance over the first page and see I got number one wrong. I looked at the answer and was like oh okay yeah got that wrong why did I pick that answer, I did’t read the question or look at all the marks on it. I went on flipping through the rest to see what others I missed. He was asking if anyone had questions if they wanted him to go over all of it or what. They decided to go over all of it. I was looking through because something seemed off about my grade. I was trying to make sure he hadn’t marked any wrong that were right as he went through them and figure out if my grade really was off and why. Then one girl stopped him on one and was asking him about it. It was one I had gotten wrong as well and we had put the same answer she was asking why it was marked wrong. So they went back and forth over it and me and her were the only ones that spoke up and said anything. Because I said yes I got that wrong to and reading it felt this was the right answer for the same reason. They went back and forth over it and he pulled up some notes and things.

In the mean time I figured out that he had went back and marked number one right because he had messed up when he was grading them but figured it out before he handed it back. After I had read it I was about to question him about it until I figured out what he had done.

They were still on the other question and why it was right or wrong, when I got done figuring out my papers. The question was…………..

What are ways to show empathy when in a session with a client?

A) there are many different channels or ways

B) warm vocal tones, vocal pitch, tacking

C) some off the wall answer that made no since

D) another answer that you knew was wrong even if you had never taken the class.

 

Well we have been learning about the 3 V’s and B and the BLS in class and this is what he has drilled in us pretty much from day one. The three V’s and B are Visual, Vocal, Verbal and body language. There are other ways to show empathy and these are not to just show empathy but this is the spring board we were using. Plus there are other ways to show it, but this what we have talked about in class. To me it seem like a trick question since it didn’t have all three V’s and the B listed. They wanted you to think it was B but the answer was really A. Since B was not a complete answer I put A figuring that if I put B and got it wrong that was what he was going to say it isn’t a complete answer there for it would be A because……. The other girl who questioned him about it had looked at it the same way and answered A as well.

Well he tells us nope the best answer for that question is B and that he wasn’t asking about the three V’s plus B just what are ways to show empathy. But the answer kind of lead into that. He said he was going to look at his notes he had at home for that question but he didn’t think he would be giving us anymore points we were just wrong and B is the best answer. He will let us know Monday when we go back in. After class I was talking with a few other girls in the calls and I ask them what they got for that question as well and they said the same thing me and the other girl said and put B. Mind you there are only 9 people in this class and that is 4 out of 9 of us that I know for a fact that put B. I think the girl sitting in front of me said she had too but not 100% sure because I was looking over my paper at the time. I am not sure how many others also put A but I am thinking probably most if 4 of us had. So it ticks me off that the half the class or almost half the class that I know of interpreted the question one way and he is looking at it another then to me the question wasn’t clear enough in what it was asking. He even said yeah technically we were right too because there are many ways but says his answer was the best out of the 4 so it is right even though it was kind of half and answer compared to what we have been learning in class. I feel if that many of us got it wrong and we picked the other “right” answer we should get credit for it. Who is to say that A is the best the best comes down to a matter of opinion when there is two answers that can be right. Just because he thinks his answer is the best we felt ours was the best since the other was not complete. If he is saying they are both right then he should have to give anyone who picked A or B credit. Not like we picked C or D that are in left field and have nothing to do with what we are talking about and trying to get him to give us credit. We would have nothing to stand on to even explain why we should get credit but when he says both are right and most the class felt it was this we should all get credit if we picked A or B. I know it is only two points but that two points could mean the difference between a C and, an A or a B and A at the end of the term. To say you can’t have them two points and have that letter grade higher because you didn’t pick the right, right answer just don’t seem right to me.

I don’t know why this is bothering me so much I guess maybe just because I’m still not in a very good mood and haven’t been for a few days now or what. Most times I probably just said screw it and forgot it but for some reason I am a little ticked off about it. I guess too probably the common they are both right but.



et cetera
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