Single___Parent___Life











{May 17, 2020}   Emotional Breakdown

If you all seen my twitter post Thursday you know I bit the bullet and decided to go to the clinic on the way to work and see about getting on birth control. I hadn’t had a years exam in years so of course they had to do that before they gave me anything. I made the appointment an hour before work. I figured it shouldn’t take more and an hour and I was only a few miles a way from work. I should be no more than 30 minutes late. At the most maybe 45. Over 2 hours later I finally got to work over and hour late.

I got there right on time and it took the women forever to get me into the computer. Then she tells me it is going to be $100 to be seen. Had I known that I would of went to the other office for $25. I am trying to figure out if it is only $25 at the other and they both work from a sliding scale how is there a $75 difference between the two. I have been here before for things and never paid anything. I don’t mind paying but that is almost as much as going to a private doctor. Then I say something and she says she don’t have my kids on there as being in my house. I said well they are and I pay ever for them and get no help. She says I don’t know why it is showing that way and something else. I said how do we fix that? She like yeah let me see if I add them what happens. So then it takes forever for her to do that. But once she did it said I only paid $17 and some change for the day. Then I go sit and wait to be called.

A women comes out and takes me into the lab. I am thinking I am not getting lab work done why is she calling me back here? Then I think oh they always do a pregnancy test and I think it is done through the lab area last time I had one. She stops out side the door hands me the cup and tells me to do it then come into the lab. I do that and go in they check my weight ask when my last cycle and all that was. Then ask if I want HIV and some other blood work done. I say no right away. I am not up to being poked and fished around in. I am a horrible stick it was to early in the morning. They tell me it is included in the visit for the day. I tell them it didn’t matter I still didn’t want it. They ask if I am sure I tell her yes. They seem kind of surprised and said I don’t have to do it but it is offered. They kept telling me that I didn’t have to do it but it was available. Stressing that I could get it done.

I normally always do the HIV test, the rear times I get a yearly done and all the times I was pregnant and they offered it. I have never felt a reason to have it done or that I had done anything to need one done. But I don’t know why and I guess it is just the way my mind works and thinks. I always thought I know I don’t have anything and don’t need the test. But if they are doing blood and can do it all at once I should get it done. This way if anything was to ever happen and I was worried I may have gotten it or did get it, then I could always look back and say I didn’t have it at this point, this point or this point it had to of come from here or there. I always had the thought if I was in or at the hospital and they did something or a doctors office or helped someone some time and got exposed or was put at risk. Never that I would feel that I did something with someone I was worried about having it or catching it from. I know weird and crazy way of thinking. But I was not into it and not worried about it I turned it down.

They sent me back out to wait and a nurse finally came out and got me. As we are walking to the room she tells me they don’t have an open room for me she is going to take me to one room to start and will take me to another when they get it open. We go in the room and she ask me about 1000001 questions for what I think was an hour or close to it. Then leaves and says let me see if we have a room I will be right back. Come back in about 5 minutes and says come with me. We walk to what seemed like another building through the back halls and to another room. We go in and she asked more questions, went out came back and gave me my paper sheet thing to cover up with and put the chuck on the table. She says there is a male student doctor, intern or whatever she called him. We have to let you know and ask if it is okay for him to observe I thought she said. I am thinking really can this day get any better. This has taken forever I am past late for work now and, and now I have a student coming in to watch them poke and feel around down there. I said sure why now. She said something else. I said once you have had 4 kids everyone has watched and seen you why not let him. She about died laughing and said i was going to say they are trying to learn give him a chance. She went out I took off my clothes and sat there with my paper over/around me the best I could get for as small as it was. It seemed like forever before they finally came in.

The student and doctor came in. The student says hi I am so and so and I am going to be DOING your exam and testing today. I am going to start with your breast exam and then we will do the rest of it. I am thinking I thought he was going to be watching. I don’t know what is worse really him watching or doing it. I don’t know why it matters but I just did but didn’t at that point really. I don’t know I have had male doctors do them before.

When I was pregnant last I ended up in the ER with all my vitals dropping and passing out if I moved. A male doctor, nurse and tech all came in. One said here is a gown put it on. I was waiting for them to go out the next thing I knew I went to sit up and one was pushing me back in the bed telling me to lay back down. One was taking my clothes off, one was hooking me to machines and the other was sticking iv’s in my arm and doing more test.

That didn’t bother me but for whatever reason this kind of did. Not enough to tell him no he couldn’t do it. It was more of an annoyance thing I think. Because I already was. So we got started he checked my breast and then moved on to do the rest of the exam. Honestly as many times as I had them done I hardly felt him do anything. Most the time it is very uncomfortable and it hurts when they do the test and everything. I hardly knew he was doing anything or even touching me. When he was finished with the test and did the exam of the organs and things he told me what he was going to do and do it all and it didn’t even hurt. I didn’t have any spotting or anything after.

When they first came in they asked about birth control I told the doctor that came in with him I wanted the ring. She asked if I wanted it or if I had talked about it with the nurse or that she seen I had. I don’t know. She said they did not offer it she could give me a script for it. I said okay that was fine that is what the nurse said. Then she says do you know how much that cost? I said no that was going to be my next question. She said I think about $130 monthly. I wanted to cry. She said let me look it up why he does the exam and all that. I said okay. She looked it up and said that it was between $59 and $62 at a couple of the stores close there with a discount. And that was still monthly. I said okay that wasn’t an option. At this point I just wanted to bust out and cry. I was so upset and really annoyed at this point because had I known that I probably would of never went, I wouldn’t have missed work and be paying for a wasted visit. I don’t want the implants they keep pushing and talking about, I got pregnant on the pills with my oldest and even the nurse said the shot wasn’t a good option for me. I ended up with a low dose pill. I wasn’t happy but figured I should get something and try it and that was my only option. They gave me a 3 month supply. They said come back in two weeks for test results and call when I open my third pack of pills and tell them I need a supply appoinment. They said they give you three months to see how you are doing with them. They said some people love them some hate them or don’t do good on them. It takes a few months to really see how your body is going to respond to them. If you like them and want them they will give you the rest of the year supply for them at that appointment and your good until next year.

I was ready to have an emotional break down by the time I left and I was surprised at how I felt and how upset i was over it. They could tell I was in a much different mood when we were done than when I went in. Three or more of them asked me if I was okay if something was wrong and everything before I left there.

I was just upset because it is like I work my ass off, I do do and do and make sure everything is taken care of and everything else. I can’t even afford to take the birth control I am comfortable with taking, the form I feel is best for me. I already don’t take my depression and anxiety meds because I can’t pay to see the doctor every three months and the therapist every week like they make you see in order to get them plus the price of the meds and then the missed time at work on top of that. Now something as simple as birth control I can’t get either because it cost to much.

It was just that let down feeling that no matter how hard you try even simple little things don’t fall in place. I feel like I am trying to be responsible and do the right thing and this is how it turns out for me. I am supposed to trust these low dose pills when I got pregnant on the pill before. I am supposed to just get these implants that really aren’t that great for you and cause a lot of problems for a lot of people. I have a hard enough time on the pills with my moods and hormones I don’t want an implant. I seen so many say they pulled them out their self because of how bad they felt and the doctors tell them just wait it out for months some like 6 to let your body adjust or take forever to get them back in to get it out. Them moving and causing problems just to much. I have done a lot of research and felt really comfortable with using the ring. I am one who don’t like to take or use a lot of meds and things you all know if you read my blog. I am not a fan of birth control because so many have such nasty side effects. I asked about the patch I used it before. I was okay with it but didn’t like the fact it came off sometimes and there was always a spot from where you wore it for the month or week whatever it was. But I would rather that than the pills or anything else if I could not get the ring. They didn’t have it either I think she said and it cost a lot too. I liked the ring because it was the same idea as the patch pretty much just inserted vs. wearing it. I figured I would probably do alright with it as well.

By the time I left there I was ready to just break down and cry. I felt like I just needed one of those cries where you have held it all in for so long and you can’t anymore. But of course I had to. I had to suck it up, hold it in and go to work. I even thought about calling out of work. I thought about calling telling them I had issues at my appointment and wasn’t coming in. I thought about going to see JW before going to work. It is almost 20 miles the other direction but I just wanted to go to him and be with him for a few minutes. I just wanted him to hug me. I just wanted to feel his arms around me, pulling me into him and holding me. I wanted to feel safe and like everything was going to be okay. That I wasn’t in this alone. I just wanted him to make it better. I knew there wasn’t anything he could do but I felt just being there him holding me everything would be okay. But I figured they would be busy and he wouldn’t be able to come out or would only be able to for a second and that I would just be more upset and probably wouldn’t go to work at that point. I wanted to just get his keys as well and go to his house and go to bed for the day. I felt so bad and didn’t want to be around anyone else but him and I knew he couldn’t leave work. I figured I would just go get in his bed, cry and sleep for the day. But I did the responsible thing and went to work. I held it together and made it through my day. Like I always do, no time for a melt down or pity party or a break down for me. Have to get up and keep going and stuff it all down. When it starts to boil over you stuff harder and plaster that fact smile on bigger.



et cetera
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