{December 11, 2018}   Have You Ever

So the guy who wanted to buy my truck and who told me about the job will be called Mr. Auto from now on.

My Thursday, drive to work conversation.

Mr. Auto, called while I was taking the kids to school and I didn’t notice. I called back later but then Little Man stayed home sick he started talking to me. He said get ready for work and talk to your boy. Call me in a bit when you can talk.

I finished what I had to do and got out of the house and called him back. I wanted to see if it was about the job or just him wanting to talk. It was just him talking. He didn’t say a lot of anything for a bit just this and that.

He said something again about me not answering when he called before and things. He said I pass your house I started to stop by but I didn’t know who might answer. Then I thought Sleeping beauty had moved back in. I didn’t want to make him mad. He got mad before about some girl he knew he thought I was to friendly with.

I said why would you think he moved back in? And even if he did he don’t tell me who I can or can’t talk to and something about not being together.

He said I don’t know you all living or lived in the same house & sleeping in the same bed together. That’s more than roommates.

I said wait a minute, I don’t know what you have been told by who. But we are not together now or have we ever been anything more than friends. I needed to rent my extra room he needed a place to stay we help eachother out. I said had it been anything more between us he would of never moved in or stayed the night in my house.

He said what do you mean?

I said I have 4 kids at home 24/7. I do not ever bring guys I am talking to, to my house. I do not let guys meet my kids. My kids do not even know if I go on a date or if I am talking to a guy. I said I would have to be in a relationship 4 to 6 months before I even thought about telling my kids and letting them meet. Then it would be a long time down the road before I would think about living together. I said so no he would of never been to my house muchless living there. So if you heard different whoever said it lied and I will tell you right infront of them they lied, I don’t care.

He said something about him and why it never was more or what.

I said he makes comments it comes up but that is as far as it ever goes. Then I don’t hear from him again for weeks or months. I said I am not wasting my time or waiting around for him or anyone.

He said can I get personal a minute ask you something? I said yeah what? Thinking how much more personal do you want to get?

He goes have you ever dated a black guy before? I said no. I said well back in school if you want to count that he was mixed. He said why I hadn’t talk to him since or what. I said that was to long ago and I haven’t talk to him since his dad was my boss. They closed and moved.

He said but never really dated before? I said no. He said I didn’t think so why? I said I don’t know, maybe because they are all like the white ones, they all want to talk shit no action to back it up. I scare them off like the white ones or anyothers.

He laughed kind of and said scare them off, how do you do that or what do you mean?

I said because if I have a man in my life or around it is not because I need him for something. He is this because I want him there. I want to spend time with him, do things together or what. I am not looking for a man to pay my bills and buy me things or to take care of me or my kids. I said I may struggle but I can do it myself. If we are together we are because of them not what they can do have or give. I said most don’t know how to be with someone like that. They know they can’t pull shit or get away with shit because they know they can be dropped in just a minute. I said I let myself ger in a spot where I was dependent for a bit and I wont let that happen again. Guys don’t know how to act if they aren’t needed. I said we need to work as a team to make sure what is needed is covered then to have what we want.

He stammered a little said oh um, wow um yeah your right if you think about it. Um ah um I got to go! I said okay we hung up. I heard from him a little since but not much. He called last night ask what I was doing? I said goinbg home, cooking, feeding kids and putting them to bed. He ask what my plans were after that i said I didn’t know. He say much. Said he was at the mall shoping for shoes for his son. Something about shoping or liking to shop.

I said I don’t know I don’t like to shop for shoes, clothes or purses. I like to shop for houses, trucks and furniture.

He said you like to shop for the big money stuff. I said yeah hints why I don’t get to shop.



{August 22, 2018}   Why Does He Stop Talking?

I have not heard from Sleeping Beauty since late Saturday night early Sunday morning when I got off and ask him if he wanted to take a ride. Then I asked why he hadn’t found a women.

We talked about how they are just looking for pay checks cars and that kind of thing. It isn’t right and how it should be this and that.

I ask if he wanted to go somewhere Monday he read it never responded. Yesterday I asked how his day was going and later what was wrong. He not responded. Seems when anything like this comes up he pulls away and don’t for awhile. Or like when I said what she want from you? Its the only time she comes around, you end up hurt. When it comes to looking out for him or finding someone. He stops talking.

He want to go do something then if it gets to seourse or what all of a sudden he don’t want to or can’t go.

I am ready to tell him stop trying to rebuild that wall, stop being so scared.  get over himself and talk to me.

I was talking to bff last night and we were talking about if I rent my room and get child support i could go to school. But that I just did not want to rent it to my “friend” and explained few other reasons why. She understands it makes sience now.

I said and Mr. To Broken sure isn’t getting it. She laughed she asked if i talk to him and things. I said no.

I said Sleeping Beauty could get mad if he wanted and not take it, but I would consider renting it to him again. But he would need to pay me uofront a week or two. If he don’t like it that is to bad and fine. But he has to understand and know he is the one who made things like this not me. She said I can see that just turning into a little family if you let him rent that and move back in. I said thats not what I am looking for. I said I am just looking at who is going to work that isn’t going to be a problem in all these ways. I can keep that out of the picture. Keep it strickly roommates with no problem. She said no I know you can but I think that itwould turn into more or he is going to finally say something try to get it more if he gets a chance again.

I just want to see him talk to him in person. Maybe he is waiting for same but gets scared.

{August 21, 2018}   Have To Move

I was talking tobmy “friend” Sunday and he told me he was going to have to move. He said they were upping his rent it wasn’t worth it. I told him to try the places Bff lives and where Sleeping Beauty was staying before he moved in with me.

He said he knew about them they were okay but he didn’t know where the money was going to come from. It would be a stretch for him. I been thinking and trying to figure out how he couldn’t pay the rent and bills on what he makes if he got in there. But I think he is still paying child support on his first and probably on his little one now.

I know he is wanting to rent that back room but I am just not ready to rent it out and I don’t think it is a good idea to rent it to him. Me and bff were talking about it and she oclf course thinks it is a great idea just rent it to him get the money.

I still just feel that is not a good situation to get into with him. Not with us doing what we have for the last 8 years. I feel it be to akward when I meet someone. If I tell them and honest upfront how are they going to feel? If I say nothing and it comes out later, what are they going to say? I know if it was me and I met someone I wouldn’t be crazy about them living in that type of situation even if nothing was going on at the time or what.

I also feel it is a bad idea because I don’t want things to just get comfortable or convenient with us living in the same house and just end up in a relationship just because of the situation. If that makes since.

I feel bad to tell him no or not offer it to him. But I also feel that I need to set boundaries and this is one that has to be made. It isn’t my place to help everyone or rescue everyone.

{June 29, 2018}   Help Each Other Out

I have not heard from my “friend” since we talked all that time the other night. Then he messaged me today.

He ask if my mom is staying here and if I had a room for rent. He said make room for him to stay and he would move in and give me $500 a month for rent. He said he would help me out with rides until I could get the parts to fix my truck and he would do the work once I got them. He wants to go get a car and needs to show more money than he does right now. If he was staying somewhere cheaper then he show more money a month to put on a car. He wants to go get one tomorrow. I would still have to get to work but he could pick me up at night amd when I was off I could get places I needed to go.

I told him I had a big back room i been trying to rent before. That if i could get someone in there to pay $500 I could trust I would be doing really good. But that I have her here and can’t do anything right now. That I was trying to get a lone to take care of things and getting her out was one of them. That I was going to have to file through the court on her. He said make room for him let him move in he would get her to leave. I would love to but I don’t want her causing any of us problems and she would just for spite knowing none of us have a place to go and have the kids. It is just how she is.

My friend thinks I should just go for it, get with him and let him move in. She says it help me out and I wouldn’t have to strugglenso much and things. That is true but I do not want to go into a relationship because of that. Like I told her then I am stuck in a situation like I was with Peter Pan. I need to work this out be able to do it on my own. I don’t want to rush into living with someone when we get together. She says but your not, you known him half your life you have practically been together for the last 7 years. It isn’t like you just met him amd things. It is true we have known each other since we were about 15/16 and we have been close the last 7 years doing what we are doing. But what we have been doing and getting into a committed relationship, moving in together and bring kids into it is a compleatly different ballgame.

She keeps saying he is such a good guy and a decent guy. That he cares he trying to help amd things. There aren’t a lot of decent guys out there and hard to find. She says do it for now if it don’t work out or I change my mind just move on find someone new later. That isn’t what I want to do. I don’t want someone for here and now or to help get by.

I told her I might be interested in others. She asking who. I just told her she left me and went on her trips and left me to my own device’s, she was out of the loop of all that I been doing or thinking. She laughed. She don’t know how I feel about Starfish or any of that. I could let him just rent the room if I could get my mother out of there but that wouldn’t work very well wanting to meet someone I don’t think. With our history or what we have been doing. It be weird and awkward I think. I don’t want to end up pushed into or rushing into things. I am going to have to think a lot about it and I still have to get things straight here. It be a little bit before I could let him do it anyway even if it was just the room.


{January 26, 2018}   Starfish Was Back

As you all know my truck broke down two weeks ago, I just got it back tonight. I have been bumming rides walking and trapped in the house. My mom is back and has her truck but I can’t drive it. I run my little one to school and up to the store both less than a mile away. She told me if something happens she didn’t know I had her truck because I am not on her insurance. So then I am going to be in trouble for having her truck so I just been getting rides. Today one friend dropped me off at the social security office and my other friend was going to pick me up if I was done when he went to pick his dad up because he had to go right by there. By the time I got done he had already been up there but said he would come back. I told him I had to go to the shop and work he said he was a little ways away from me I would probably be there before he could get to me if I just walked so I told him okay. It is only two miles from where I was to the shop. I walked it from the shot to there and back the last time my truck was down just to get out and clear my head.

I stopped at the store to get a drink and headed to work. I was about 6 blocks from work and my bosses wife seen me and picked me up. She asked if I wanted to go to lunch? I found some money and went with her. I told her I had to come back to the shop when I was done and work. She had to stop at the shop before we went. We pulled up I was messaging my friend and looking down she was on the phone or something so we weren’t talking. All of a sudden she says Starfish is here she is surprised and I could hear worry in her voice. I said what? Who? Huh? I knew she was saying someone was there but it wasn’t clicking who. I was trying to figure out why she was so shocked and worried. I kind of looked up and was still trying to figure out because I couldn’t see them. Then it clicked who she was saying and why she sounded the way she did. She got out I was doing something on my phone so I finished that and got out walked up the side of the truck toward the front. I don’t think he seen me at first then I seen him kind of look and he started going around the side of this limo that they were working on back into the shop. The other guy that works there was calling him trying to tell him something they had been walking together talking about something. He finally stopped the other walked over to him. I just walked past and into the shop to get my keys so I could get something out of my truck. They were there so I walked out to ask where they were. I went to walk around the side of the car I was on but it was to close to things so they had room to work on the side he was on. I walked around the back and over by where he was. My friend was going past him first I slid by him but didn’t say anything. I asked boss for the keys he had to go in and find them. I am not sure where he was when we came by that time but I still never said anything to him. Bosses wife said hi and something to him he kind of smiled they said whatever as she passed joking. Later she said she said hi flower as she went by. Nick name she called him because of something he said before.

We left and went to lunch and she went to drop me off and we seen boss down the street having lunch. She called he said the shop was open but the office was locked that starfish was there, he would be back in a little bit. We went I had to go to the bathroom and she ran in front of me and went. We were yelling stuff back and forth joking around as she was going in there. We have to go around this car to get there it is in the back corner of the shop past the lifts and things. He was laying over there under the car welding something. In a little bit he got up and we were all standing around there talking and joking around until the boss got there.

She was saying I got to go in a little bit he better hurry. I said you can go, I told you, you could just drop me off. I am not going to start no shit and I really don’t think he is going to start anything if I don’t. He really has no reason to because I did nothing to him he the one that left me stuck and screwed. Later he came in the office looking for something it was just as before as if nothing ever happen. He looked a lot better again and probably better than he did when he was here even. He has put on weight and things. She said the boss told her he was thinking about bringing him back but they had talked and he does good for a while and then slides back for a little bit. I said I think if things were going good there and he was somewhere stable he didn’t have to worry about things and away from things he do okay and if he would talk to some of them and let them help him he could do okay as well. I said but I know it don’t take much for him to slide back or much to be said to or about him for him to. I said but he is just trying to get away from it too so it is going to be hard for a little while. But if he got into a good place to stay that it wasn’t around because I know it is at his roommates house where he was staying and he gets away from these so called friends and hangs around some decent people he be okay. I said he just stuck with the ones around the shop there and things once the turn over is done. We have guys leaving and new ones coming. I know the ones coming my good friend I talk about once in a while is going to be the new head guy to run the shop I think they will get a long as long as things are okay and settled between us or I tell him it’s okay. He knows what he did to me when he found out he said why didn’t you tell me I would of taken care of it for you or helped you. I said I know if I couldn’t have gotten it taken care of I would of gotten a hold of you.

I know I should probably be mad but I am to tired and over being mad to even worry about it. I know he was in a bad spot I know he did what he had to do for him. I know what it is like to be in that spot. Not on the drugs but where he was other wise. I know how it is to just need to get out and get out now. I get that way too but I just can’t. What he did was wrong and screwed up and I was pissed. I was very pissed and was even on my way to his job a few weeks ago when things were not going good for me and I was in one of my low spots. But since then I finally forgave. I have worked everything out and think I have things handled. I am going to pay the boss back the money he gave me that starfish gave him for the phone bill even though he said to keep it and he would take it up with him. Because I know he didn’t. If starfish is still there or working here and there I am going to wait until a day he is there and when he is standing right there I am going to hand the money to the boss and tell him this is the money you gave me that was for starfishes phone bill you gave me when he left owing me money. It isn’t yours to worry about and pay so I am paying you back. Maybe one day someone else will make right on the things they did and I will be taken care of or something like that. Just so he knows if he hasn’t said anything before that. He looked shocked and relieved when I didn’t say anything and even more so when me and her came back and we were all joking around and things like nothing ever happen.

He said something to my friend about the girl he was with a few weeks ago when he was up there working on the weekends. He told her she ended up being a pill popper and things. How she was telling him she loved him from the first week and things he got away from her. She said yeah you got to run from that that isn’t any good can’t just jump into things you need be friend build from there. He said yeah but he wanted a piece or something like that. She said yeah but it going to do nothing but get you in trouble. he just said he knew or something like that. His ex picked him up not sure what is going on there because he was trying to get his stuff from her and things when he was staying here and before that. she was telling him to get the cops and come get it. But then she had just been at the office a few weeks before that. Then there today. He told be she was with someone and had been a while. So who knows. I said I don’t care why are you telling me? I said we aren’t together weren’t together. She said I was just telling you he wasn’t with her what happen. Because she got all mad about her being at the shop that day and hanging out and things. She was telling me all about it and hitting the roof.

I really don’t care, we really were just friends, we went out a few times but nothing big that was just mostly as friends too, I mean nothing happen. When he moved in it was just as friends we weren’t together or even talking about being together. He said some things like I said to a few people that made me wonder what the hell he was talking about and things. He said things to me about different things but even that was like confusing like I said before. But I just figured if it turned into something more then okay if it didn’t it didn’t, I wasn’t expecting it to, but you never know when your living in the same house and get to know each other better. I just figured maybe he thought maybe down the road or what.

I can be civil and friendly at work not cause problems or drama. I am not going to cause problems or drama for someone in his spot of trying to do better knowing what he is going through been through knowing what he deals with and things. Because I know how easy he can slide right back. But I know how to get my point across and say what I feel needs said if I need to. But right now I don’t even care and most people should be given a second chance. I don’t have to be best friends with him, I don’t have to talk to him, make sure he is okay or doing okay or help him or do things for him like I did in the past. We go to like we were before at just two employees at the same job who talk and joke around with and like the rest. I do still feel that he needs to man up and at least own up to what he did even if it is as simple as hey sorry for what I did and said. Not just act as if it never happen. Like I said before I’m not going to say anything to him because all I done was help him. If he decides he should then he will. I seen him keep looking at me like he just didn’t know what to think the rest of the day when he was around. I am sure he was still waiting for me to jump his ass, because what everyone does but I’m not going to unless he does something to piss me off again. Then I will but right now its done over.

{December 31, 2017}   Last Conversation

I got up Tuesday way later than I planed so I text him and told him I had to get the money. I told him I needed to go to the tag office that I could go to the one in the town between me and him and meet him there or somewhere in town there. Knowing he has to get a ride and things. I just got a text back that said I’m broke. I figured not surprised at all.

It got ugly from there. He told me I was telling people we were together and how I tell my friend everything and what he is hearing and why shit is started between everyone. I said no I’m not telling anyone anything and I have not told anyone that we are or were together. I said, I have been asked and I have told everyone no because we aren’t. But you did and I didn’t know why you said it then and haven’t been able to say anything to you about it. Him I would never tell anyone we were together trust me!

I said yeah you know what you probably wouldn’t or probably wouldn’t now or something like that. I said because I am not your type, I said when I am with a guy I am not with him because I need anything from him or want him to pay my way. I said unlike what your use to, want you to pay everything for them, work your self to death and give them everything they want, while you are they are out running around lying, cheating, and parting or whatever they want to do and using you. I said see I can get what I want and pay my own way. I said so if I have a man around it is because I want him there, to spend time with, do things with, because I care about them and want them happy too. So like I said I’m not your type your not use to that, don’t know how to handle that or what to think about that. I said you say I make you nerves that is why I make you nerves, because I don’t need you.

Stop texting me leave me alone. We said other things as well I finally told him I was going to leave him alone that I had things to do besides arguing with a grown man that wants to act like a little boy. I said I have to go figure out how to get the money I was screwed out of and be the responsible one and pay the things that I owe.

Fuck you and your little boy I this and that he went on. I said nothing else. Then in a little bit he said why are you texting me again. I said it has been an hour since I sent you anything screen shot the last thing I sent and where he just sent me saying I was texting him. He didn’t say anything. Then again in a little bit having a fit I was texting him again. I said I am not texting you again just like last time. Yes you are I keep getting text and more text from you. I said look I am driving I am not trying to text you or got time to text you. Yes you are. I said then what am I saying if you say I am texting you? He sent me a screen shot but I didn’t see it until I little while later. I read it what I could see of it. I screen shot the date and time I sent it and sent him told him that I had sent that Sunday I was not texting him sending it then. He kept on yeah right I said you see I just sent you showed you when it was sent just like what I sent earlier that you didn’t get until almost an hour later. Something must be wrong with your phone. I said and if you read it and look at it you would see it is the same thing word for word that I sent you on Sunday your getting it twice.

I’m not getting it twice you dumb ass. I said I am not a fucking dumb ass and ask if he didn’t get it Sunday he never answered and I haven’t heard anything since. I was pissed by that point and the other shit he said all while again telling me I don’t want to talk I’m not talking to you stop texting me. I say I am leaving you alone he just keep running his mouth. I didn’t care I was telling him like it was the more I tell him the madder he got but when I said tell me who said that? Where did you hear that? If I said that or done that then tell me when where, he could’t. When I said what I did about him he never denied it or tried to, just get really pissed off and back to I don’t want to talk leave me alone. I said yep run, hide never be able to relax always worried about what is going to happen might happen.

{November 20, 2017}   A Nice Time Out

Yesterday I text Sleeping Beauty from the shop and ask what he was up to, how the day was going? I didn’t hear back for a while then he text at said things were going shitty. He had been working and just got home. I asked him if he would like to come over he said yeah he was getting in the shower. He let me know when he got out was ready. I told him I was thinking about taking the kids to dinner, he said okay. I think he thought I wasn’t going to come, I told him he could come if he wanted too. I think he thought I wasn’t going to pick him up since we were going. I talked to the kids about going out and they all wanted something different, I tried to get them all to pick one place they all wanted to go our could agree on but they all still wanted something different and couldn’t decide on one place. I wasn’t in the mood to deal with them fighting or the ones that didn’t get to go where they wanted to pouting. I finally told them they could all have whatever they wanted but I was picking it up bringing it back here and they could eat it here. They were all happy with that idea. I went picked him up he came back here for a little bit why I did somethings. Then jumped in the shower, they were starting to get hungry so I left and went to get what they wanted. One wanted Stake and Shake, one wanted MC Donald’s and the other two agreed to chines. He was like wait what are you doing? Where are you going? I said her for this one over there for that one and then here on the way home for the older two. He said everyone gets something different? I said not normally but sometimes as a treat I will let them. I said it has been a while since we have been out everyone wants something different and this point they are agree it is fine to pick it all up and eat at home so I am good with it. He laughed and ask what I was eating? I said I don’t know I am getting them settled and then decide.

Little Bitty went with us when we left she has this thing about me leaving and thinking I am not coming back now. She been this way since before we had the talk about not having a daddy at home and things. I keep telling her I promise I will come home I will not leave her. We were in line getting the last of the food and she said something, I told her I was talking her and all the food home and going to go out. She got upset I told her I had to go get me something to eat that trying to hurry and get their food because she was so hungry I hadn’t gotten anything yet. He told her that she couldn’t go this time but next time she could go. She told him two he said what we have two hours? I think we could be home in two hours should be time to eat. I said she just says two it could be two hours, two day or two weeks she has no idea yet she just says stuff. He laughed. We got home she was saying something, he told her again to go in be good that she could go next time anywhere that she wanted they all could go. He said want to go to chuckie cheese we can all go there next time. I am shaking my head no because once you tell her something she will ask from now on every time she thinks of it not just him when he she see’s him but me all the time as well. He said what you don’t like there? I said it is fine she don’t know what it is she hasn’t been. He said oh we will fix that. I got them settled with their food and we left.

We went out sat down and had something to eat and talked some. It seemed like it took forever getting something to eat. They waiter despaired and didn’t come back I finally after 30 or 40 minutes maybe more of not seeing him and not having a check I had to ask for one and they still couldn’t find him and someone else finally had to get it. I didn’t talk much mostly just listen to him. And his roommate was blowing up his phone mad about money and things because part of the problem is he is waiting to be paid for a job he help the roommate do months ago and he will not pay him so he just didn’t pay the money he owed for rent this week and told him to take it out of that. He hit the roof and was mad and kept blowing up his phone wanting to know where he was and who he was with everything. I said oh well I don’t care if he knows I have nothing to hide and it is none of anyone’s business. If they say something to me about us being out or whatever I have no problem telling them it is none of their business if and what I feel is theirs I will let them know but not to hold their breath waiting because I do not see anything ever being anything they need to know.

I drove up to the dock where I use to go sit by the water and when we got there it is all fenced off and we couldn’t get to it. I guess from the storm it got damaged and they have to fix it. It went way out in the water and had a bunch of little docks or what off to the sides that you could go out on and sit or fish so everyone wasn’t lined up in the way. We walked around there by the water for a little bit and talked and joked around and then drove around for a while. I finally dropped him off about 10:50. I got a few miles up the road and go pulled over for swerving. The truck is messed up and pulls to that side then I looked down to see something on my phone. I thought it was a cop behind me and was trying to tell and couldn’t then thought it wasn’t but then about the time I decided it wasn’t I was wrong it was. I text him said I got pulled over. He was like really where oh no let me know what happens.

I figured they were going to make me to test and all that to see if I was drunk, the guy walked up I was getting my license out he ask me if I knew why he pulled me over I told him yes. He ask me why I told him I looked down at my phone I was trying to check on my kids see what they needed. He said something else and ask me about my address where I lived he had me off the other direction. I told him he ask me where I was coming from? I told him I dropped him off at his house and was on my way home. He then ask me what was wrong I told him nothing. He wanted to know how much I had, had to drink? I said I haven’t had anything to drink at all. He took my stuff went back to his car and in no time he was back with a paper. I just knew he was going to tell me he was giving me a ticket or had to test me. He said here is a warning now watch the road not your phone and get on your way.

I was going to go to the store but after that I just went home. I was tired too and having a hard time seeing, I didn’t want to get pulled again. It was nice to just get out and relax have someone to talk to go somewhere with other than just shopping or with my friend and her kids or all the kids.

When we were riding around I asked him what he was doing next weekend? He said he was going to go to one of the stores to get a pair of boots but he didn’t know if he was now because of different things. He ask why? I told him the kids wanted to put up their Christmas stuff and that I need that wood put together because I could probably do it but, it wouldn’t be good it was one of them things that I just rather not do because it turn into a mess. He laughed he said yeah he could come help with that and I said I need to get the lights on the roof too. He said that was fine. He said let him know when I got home so I did and we were texting. I said I was disappointing that the dock was closed I liked going out there and sitting it was so relaxing. He said that was okay we could find one to sit on this weekend. He said I have to hang Christmas lights you know. I said yes and don’t forget build a manger too. He laughed said yes he would do that too.

The kids said something about him, I said he works at the shop with me he is just a friend, he is going through somethings and having problems with his roommate so he just wanted to get out of the house and talk for a bit. I said he just like My other friend and some others they know. They said oh okay. I said he isn’t busy he said he would help with the Christmas stuff too. They weren’t sure what to think about that. I think they wanted to be excited but then had the thought that there dad wasn’t going to be here to do it with them or bother to come do it with them. NOt that I want him to or probably would let him at this point because I don’t want him around. I said if things don’t change he is supposed to come this weekend but he may have to work of if something comes up he may not be able to. Because what he says now and what he does I never know. But I figure he probably do it. He loves kids and doing things with them and for them so unless something really happens he probably will.

I don’t know if I just don’t care or I’m just not feeling like caring if that makes since. I have a ton of school stuff to get done, some to get caught up on and pray they take it since it is late, I need to look for another job, clean the house and I don’t care. I just feel very relaxed and that is very odd feeling to me because I know I shouldn’t and that I don’t feel this way hardly ever.

I keep telling myself that I need to get my school stuff done I have said for two days I was going to work on it. But I haven’t looked at it. I know it isn’t easy things are getting harder and I still just keep putting it off. I feel like I have all the time in the world to do it and I know I don’t. I pulled my computer out to work on it and ended up here.

Me and my friend started picking up the boys room and getting it ready for their bed. We went through toys and got rid of things and cleaned it. We just need to hang things up and mop the floors. I need to go do it and I haven’t. I took the old couch and things out put my other one back in. We pulled the covers off to wash them and I haven’t washed them or done anything else in there yet. I want the kids bed up and I want the cleaning machine to clean the couch because parts of it can’t be put in the washer. I have to wait until my friend can help me get the bed it is at her house and we didn’t have the right tools when we went to get it. I have to wait for her for the cleaner too because it is hers. The one that is here I don’t know what happen but half of it is gone. I don’t know where to even start on the rest. I just have this drive to get those two things done and then the rest will work out and fall into place. I get stuck on things and need to get them taken care of before I can move to other things. I don’t know what it is. I feel like I am not done and it is just making more mess around mess.

I have applied for job after job called about job after job and not hearing anything back yet. I know I need a job but I am over looking for one and getting these shit jobs. School is going to get much more complicated come next term and I am going to be even more limited to what hours and days I can work. I feel like I can’t catch a break and win.

I have thought and thought about renting my back room out and as much as I hate to I think I need to. If I rent it out and charged $500 a month it would cover the extra on the rent I need each month, pay the lights, water, internet, and my phone. That would leave me with my car insurance and house hold cleaners, gas and things like that we need. That would be really nice because even though it isn’t a lot I could probably make it work with what I make at the shop. If not then I could work just a couple days week somewhere and make enough. If I had someone here at night I could even work a few hours a night and be okay. I can’t leave the kids here alone at night. The other night I went a mile up the road to the store to grocery shop and my oldest called said someone was messing around my bedroom window where her and Little Bitty were trying to sleep. I got home and someone had taken my screen out of my back window on the other side of the house going into the back room I am going to try to rent out. My friend thinks I should rent it to Sleeping Beauty still. She thinks he would be good with the kids and that I wouldn’t have to worry about him messing with them or him being bothered by them since he has kids and likes kids. I truly do think he is probably fine and my best option. I am just funny about renting it to anyone. It would probably help with whoever is messing around here as well because at least they may knock it off if he was here and if not maybe we could catch whoever it is. I haven’t said anything to him about it but he knows I am thinking about renting it out and asked me the other night how much for. I told him I thought $500 seemed to be about the going rate and thought it was fair since it was a larger room had it’s own entrance and things. He never said anything else about it. I ask him what he thought of the price he never said anything. But he hasn’t really said anything at all the last few days so I don’t know. He is funny, very quite kind of shy maybe. Sometimes he will talk all the time others times he hardly says anything at all. I hear he is dating someone as well, so maybe he is with them and can’t talk a lot. I am going to decide and then get it cleaned out if that is what I am going to do and then ask him. I will just ask him one day at work when I see him. Hey you asked about that room if I was going to rent it out and things I decided to and decided x,y and z are you interested before I rent it to someone else or list it. Because before he asked me when he messaged and ask if everything was alright and we first started talking again I told him yes everything was alright and ask how he was and he said a lot had been going on and he wasn’t going to be able to keep staying where he was it was getting bad. I had listed the room and asking if anyone was interested a few days before. Then the other night he asked about the price and things. I know he is paying $400 right now and it includes food. But I also know that there is not food or hardly any food most the time, that everything is about to be turned off all the time and he is paying more than the $400 because they don’t have it to keep it on so he pays it. I would be willing to include food but I am not going to make no promises or anything to be here every night to cook dinner or anything like that. There will be food in there he can cook himself something or make a sandwich. If I am here and cook for the rest of us like I do most nights then he is welcome to eat with us because I have more than enough most nights anyway. But we eat between 6 and 7 if I am home and sometimes we eat as late as 8. The kids should not be a problem because we are getting back on a better time and things as well because before my mom was here we were in bed between 8 and 9 most nights. They have school I have work we need sleep. Once in a while I stay up and watch tv or they do but it isn’t that loud. I just don’t want to get someone in here that is going to drag a bunch of people in and out of my house either. I think I worry more about who they will bring around more than the person I rent it to. I don’t want get someone in there that has 100 people here all the time or people in and out all hours of the day and night or what.

I guess I should get off here and make the kids get cleaned up and go to bed. Then I need to work on my school stuff. We found our fall stuff and all that and I went to put it out and they had my house trashed. They are supposed to be cleaning their messes up.

I just don’t know about the way I am feeling it is so hard to explain.

{November 4, 2017}   Room For Rent

I am thinking about packing up and cleaning out the back room and renting it out. I could use the extra money it would be great but at the same time I just don’t know. I could get around $400 to $600 a month for it that would pay half or more of my rent a month. The room is big enough you could put a bed and dresser in one half and have the closet maybe a desk even depending how you set it up. The other half you could put a couch, tv, coffee/end table and have a decent set up. It is about one and half times the size of a normal bedroom. so probably about 325/400 sq ft., it also has two door that lead outside. One onto my carport and one into the back yard. So they could have their own private entrance for guest and things they wouldn’t have to bring them into the house if they didn’t want too. My big hang up is that we would have to share the kitchen, bathroom and laundry room. I could careless about the laundry room it is on the carport they don’t have to come into my house to use it. But the kitchen and bathroom they do have to come in my house to use.

That means they are in and out of my house anytime day or night and rather I am here or not. I wouldn’t have a problem with it if it was just me but I have the kids here and have to worry about them being here in the house with my kids when I am not home and at night when we are all sleeping. I do not really know anyone looking for a room to rent so I can’t very well rent it to someone I already know.

My friend thinks I should clean it up and rent it to the guy from the shop that I was talking to because he will pay and he wants out of where he is now because it isn’t what he thought it was going to be when he moved in or what he was told. He was told what he was paying would include food, bills and all that. They hardly have any food in the house if any and the lights and things are going off or about to go off and they are wanting more money to keep them on because they have spent what he gave them. She thinks I could trust him around the kids, he is good with kids, has kids of his own and likes kids. I think he is fine and there would be no problem. But I just don’t trust anyone anymore no matter what it is about. I think maybe if I found a single women or a single women with a kid then maybe that would work and be better but I don’t know that I would trust them any more or as much even. I just don’t get along with women very much.

But if I could figure out how to make this work in finding someone that I felt okay with putting back there it would be great. Because that would mean I could work part time maybe 25 hours a week and still be able to make it. I wouldn’t have to worry about working full time and going to school next term and could relax a little this term if I could get them in there in the next week or so. It is just so hard when you have kids. I had roommates a few times after moving out both times guys and had no problems. But they were friends or friends and their family that I had known forever and trusted. I would trust them now if they needed a place to stay but they don’t. We all have moved on gotten older and have families and different lives now.

My friend so make it a month to month thing or something like that, so if it don’t work out I can hopefully get them out pretty easy. But I am not worried about that really because like I told her I will sit their shit out change the locks. simple and done. If they want to fight and take me to court they can but most are not going to do that they are just going to move along. It would cost them money and time that they don’t have. They just want the place to stay until it runs out then they move on. I don’t want to get someone like that in here either. I want whoever that wants to move in to try it for a month to start then see if it is a good fit for everyone then agree to stay for the next 6 to 8 months, June however far away that is.

Just have to do a lot of thinking and figuring things out. My mom is still here but supposed to be going to my sisters house for a little bit. I think that she should be there for a few months and have her money by then. I am think I am going to tell her she can’t come back here she needs to take her money and get something else. If I rent my room out I am sure she isn’t going to want to live here with someone else here too and will not like it and have a fit or say she isn’t living here being here with someone she don’t know blah blah. But you know what that is on her because they are not anything to do with her. If she don’t like it oh well to bad then. Move on no one ask you to live here or wants her to live here anyway. If she don’t want to come back because of that or has something to say about that then that is on her not me. But I don’t care if it is on me it is no secret that I don’t want her here, don’t want to help her, or what because of the way she is. I just have to figure out how to find someone to rent the room, that I am going to be okay with.

And as far as bathrooms go I have two one in the hall and one in my room, me and the kids could share the one in my room and give whoever the one in the hall even so they wouldn’t have to really share a bathroom either. But they would still have to come into the house to use it and still have to come in to use the kitchen.

This just seems like the fastest and easiest way to fix my problem of paying the bills and having the money I need. Be able to go to school take classes at the school do another internship next semester and do online classes and work part time. I just need to figure out how to make it work just breath and find someone I can trust and pray for the best I guess. Maybe I will ask around to friends and see if anyone knows anyone that is looking.

et cetera
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