{September 28, 2018}   Where Does Sleeping Beauty Live

This evening me and the girls went to the store. Out of no where Little Bitty ask where Sleeping Beauty lived. I told her kind of far but not to far. She kept wanting to know where. We have one pet store we use for just about everything. I told her he lived past that store it was probably about halfway. She still wasn’t sure. I thought of the meat market I like to go to. I told her he lived not far from there or up that way. She wanted to see his house. I told her I did not have his address or know right where it was I had not been there. She finally gave up on going there.

I ask her why she wanted to know what brought that up? She just said nothing. I said why do you want to see his house I thought you did not like him? She said I just do and I don’t.

In a bit walking in the store she brought him up again was saying something. I said your pretty interested to not like him. She said he is okay I just don’t like his rules I can’t play on the phone. He wanted to give rules. I told her they were my rules he was just helping enforce them. She said something about him being a friend he shouldn’t do that so she could like him. I just laughed. Told her that isn’t how it worked.

Thought it was odd no one has brought him up or talked about him lately and she did out of the blue. One of the boys did the other day too but she wasn’t here. They did like having him here and doing things with him.

{December 12, 2017}   He Needs To Go Home Now

I think I told you all my friend starfish moved in already if not he did last week or the week before sometime. Everything seems to run together and be one big blur right now. He been sleeping on the couch until we get the room cleaned out for him and things moved around.

Since he has been here he has been helping get things around the house done and helping get the kids back under control. They are not happy but it is getting better. They don’t like it that mom is enforcing the rules and restrictions. He has been helping. He told them he seen how they been walking over me taking advantage of me and not listening or doing what they were supposed to. That it wasn’t right and it was going to stop.

The boys have been in their room for days because they do not want to clean it, they talk, play, throw fits and have melt downs. Today it is finally done and they can have the phone, tv and computer back tomorrow since they didn’t have any fits and got it done.

Little Bitty is more than unhappy with him. She thinks because he is here is why she can’t sleep in my bed or use the phone. I picked her up from school yesterday and she was egale eyeing the truck and looking to see if he was in it. She asked if he was and I told her no. She said good she didn’t want me to go get him and she didn’t want me to bring him back to our house anymore. She said he needed to stay at his house now. I ask her why she said he was mean and she didn’t like him. Finally it come out she wanted to use the phone and sleep in my bed. I told her it didn’t matter who was or wasn’t here she was not doing either one. That she had to go to bed in her bed and that as long as she threw a fit for two hours before she went to sleep she would not be using the phone or tv when the next day. She kept on most the evening and after he got home that she wanted me to take him to his house and she didn’t want him here he needed to leave and everything. I told her he was renting the room this was his house she said he needed to find a new one. Then she told me I could take him home and stay there with him if I wanted her sister would take care of them she didn’t want him here. Mind you this is the same child that has told me daily for days now that she hates me, that she don’t want me to tell her I love her, she hates that I love her. She is no holds bars when it comes to what she wants and what she thinks will get it for her.

Well her saying she didn’t want him here and that he was mean really got to him. He made a deal with her that she could use the phone for a little bit before dinner and for thirty minutes before bed. I said um hum she got to you, you gave in and gave her what she wants. He said no I am just trying something, I said okay but when I was doing x earlier I was babying and giving in. I said you just got worked and now she knows how to work you it’s only going to get worse.

He said I never seen a kid say they don’t want someone at their house and to make them leave and things like that and I don’t know why she say’s I’m mean. I gave her a drink and told her to go back to bed last night and she went right in there went right to sleep in minutes. He said Big Girl was sitting right here she knows I wasn’t mean to her. I said I know you weren’t either but like I said there is nothing she won’t say or try to get what she wants.

Today she has been telling me she don’t want him here again. I ask why she tells me the same-thing she wants to use the phone and sleep in my bed. It’s not like he is sleeping in my bed or anything like that he isn’t, so she can’t say because he is she can’t. Just because he told her she needed to listen to me and go to bed.

Other than that things are going pretty good. The boys get mad he tells them they can’t do something or to clean and things, but then when he isn’t hear all I hear is where is he? Is he coming back? When is he coming back? They all like him they just are not use to having someone else telling them what to do or helping me. When my mom was here she tried to but she just came in took over and started barking orders and treating them like crap and everything was in the air everyone fighting. He talks to them and things not just barking orders or trying to push everyone around or what. Like my friend said Little Bitty has never had a man in the house, it is always me. The other kids their dad has been in the picture but he was never one to make sure things got done, or get the to do things or try to make them listen. I was always the one who had to take control of everything and make sure everything got done or play ref between everyone because if he did decide he was going to do something he talked to and treated them worse than you would animals. So to have someone else here helping and things is going to take some getting use to. Someone that talks to them and things not just treat them like crap and get away with everything.

Tonight he isn’t here and they are trying to take advantage of it. Little Bitty is mad she can’t take the phone to bed. I don’t know why because she isn’t allowed to any other time. Finding 50 reason’s why she can’t go to bed.

{November 11, 2016}   You either Trust or You Don’t

How can you be in a relationship with someone that you do not trust? I don’t know for everyone else but for me trust is like one of the biggest things to me if not the biggest. I can’t just trust you in some areas and not others. I have to trust you 100% or I can’t have a relationship more than friends with you.

I have friends who do not trust their other half to do things without them. Like the other weekend when me and my friend went out, I asked another friend to go with us. She told me she couldn’t because it would break her “rule” and she didn’t want to break it or then her husband would or could.

I was a little confused, she said that she don’t want him going out alone or with his friends because she is scared he will cheat on her. So she has a rule that if they go out they have to go out together.

Me and her can go out to lunch, shopping, or anything else. But we can’t have a girls night out and go have drinks or go to a bar or two like me and my other friend did. Because if he did he might cheat.

I understand that he cheated in the past and it was when he went out and left her at home. But that has been forever ago and they were both into a lot of things and different people back then. Their life then is nothing like it is now. They both have over come a lot and have done a 180 in life.

I could never stay with someone who cheated on me, it is a deal breaker. For me trust is hard for me to give to that degree and very few people get it. If I have chosen to trust you to that extent and you break it then it can’t be regained.

That is the main thing that happen with me and Father of the Year. He broke the trust and since he did that no matter what I did or tried I do not feel I can trust him again. Not to the degree to have a intimate relationship. Really not much of any kind of relationship other than being civil to each other for the sake of the kids. It was like an instant thing when he did it and hit happen.

I understand her hubby cheated but to me if you agree to stay together then you have forgiven and trust again. Maybe not right away but 10 years later if you do not trust them have you really forgiven? Do you really have a relationship? If you only trust them to go work and come home?

He goes fishing sometimes but then she gets upset if he don’t answer his phone or a few times he has come home and left his phone at work and she was mad. Why he needed to leave his phone at work, what was he hiding and things. Really he just forgot it because he can’t keep it in his pocket all the time.

I really don’t know what to say to her when she says she can’t break her rule and go because then he can if he wants and she don’t want him to. Or she gets all mad because he forgot his phone at work, or can’t get a hold of him for a few minutes why he is fishing or at the store. Because I could not live that way. I have made the comment that if I don’t know how she lives like that if I don’t trust who I’m with I’m not with them. She just say’s your single or if you were married you would understand. I told her I went out when I was married it didn’t stop me. Because we both knew who we were with and were happy and weren’t worried about the other looking for someone else. He went out if he wanted to, I didn’t care. Neither one of us went out very often with friends without the other because we liked going together and spending the time together. But if we wanted to go with friends wasn’t a big deal.

I understand wanting to go with the other and spend the time together or liking to go together, but when the other isn’t around to go because of work or what then that isn’t an excuse. Like the other week when we went out she said if her hubby was off to go they would love to go out with us but he had to work. I didn’t say anything. She knows that I don’t get out often at all so I have to go when I can. I didn’t say it to her but sometimes I want to go out with just the girls and not have the guys tag alone. It gives us a chance to talk and just relax.

Me and my friend stopped by her house at like 2 am when things closed, before we went home. She was so thrilled we stopped by and had been sitting there depressed all night because everyone she knew was out or at parties and she was sitting home alone all night, while he worked. He didn’t get home until after 5 am. She would have been home long before he got home so that wasn’t a problem either. Just that she don’t trust him and she would rather sit there depressed and miserable all night alone.

I just couldn’t live that way. It’s like if you do not have full trust in someone then how can you have a relationship if you want to. You have to stop and think about everything you want to do or they might want to do and decide if you trust them to do it or not then give them permission to do it or lay down rules like a parent. I don’t want to feel like someone’s parent I want to feel like an equal.

In relationships in the past it has never been one asking the other if they could do something or telling them they can’t. If we wanted to go out with friends we would check with the other to make sure there wasn’t something else going on and it worked for both of us. If we didn’t like something the other done then we talked about it with them and let them know why. Sometimes the other would agree not to do what ever it was again, other times they may say well I understand how you feel but I can’t say I won’t do it again because of this that and the other and then a happy middle would be found or the other would just have to understand that this is how it was. But most times a happy middle was found or it just wasn’t done again.

That is how a relationship should be not a rules and permission kind of thing.

{October 17, 2016}   The Calm After The Storm

Coming home and having a home to come back to was such a relief, it has also just left me with this odd since of calmness. Just that everything is how it is supposed to be for the time being, that I should not change my plans that I have for school or anything like that. I feel like I should just be and enjoy the up swing that we are on without worrying that the bottom is going to fall out.

I was looking around at my living room tonight thinking that it is almost complete, I went and bought two new floor lamps last night to go with the new furniture and things. I bought them because a year or more ago the dog chewed the cord to both my others in half, they were spliced back together with wire nuts. Not really the safest either. I had really forgotten about it until I started moving everything around and one of the cords got pulled apart so I was down to one lamp. It was to dark in here last night so I went to get another. I was only going to buy one because of money and the other cord is holding up even though it probably isn’t safe. I went to a different store than where I bought these I found a few they had left. It is a discount close out store so they just get this and that and a few of things most the time. I grabbed one and headed to check out. I was thinking it was less than what I paid for them at the other store. Then I noticed how hievy the box was and started looking at it, these were much nicer more sturdy lamps than the ones I had bought at the other store for more money. The ones I have are like something for a dorm room or something cheaply maid. I thought man I want two of these I will have to come get another one later so they will match and they are nice. They should last a long time. Then I thought of where I was at and that they only had 4 or 5 in the store. I ended up going and getting another one right then because I knew they wouldn’t have them later I would pay twice as much or more for a matching one later. I looked when I got home and ones like it at the other store start at $30 and go up for one. I got both of these for $36.

Now all I need is some stuff to put on the walls. For the last two years we had our two maps and white board hanging up there. I have been wanting to put something else up instead but can’t decide what. I looked around at the stores we were in last night but didn’t really see anything for the living room. But the walls are to empty. Other than that it feels so right, it feels good that was have what we want and are starting to enjoy our home and our life.

Also with this new found calm I have this drive to want to date. It is not just that feeling of being lonely and wanting to be with someone, or that missing having someone around but still have that feeling of not being ready and not really wanting anyone around at the same time. This is a feeling that hey everything is ok, you have done what you needed to do for the kids and things it is time to do something for you. Go out there and meet some new people get out date have some fun. I don’t have mixed feeling about it and should I wait until we get moved, I need to finish school and just worry about school or what needs to be taken care of. For once I feel that it’s all good and I can really start to date.

I feel like as long as I don’t change my plans for school, moving, meeting the kids, taking it slow and other things then I should jump back out there and enjoy life and find someone to enjoy it with. For once in my life I feel like I can do that and not rush into things again like I have in the past. I just can’t explain how good I feel and how ok I feel with all this with really no worries surprisingly.

The other night in the store this guy walked by me and god he smelled so good. He had some spray on. I thought about it I hardly ever do I smell any guy wearing a body spray or something like that. I don’t know why it is such I turn on if you don’t bath in it.

et cetera
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