{June 3, 2020}   Same Old Same

Not a lot going on nothing new really. Just normal everyday life stuff. Been feeling more depressed lately and I am not liking that at all. Sunday I was in a pretty bad spot. Things were different than a normal sunday. I didn’t handle it well. The stress of a relationship is something I have been 2nd guessing for a while now.

Not that I am not happy with JW because I am very happy. It is just the extra stress of being stretched so far already and now adding this in the mix. Feeling guilty when I am with him because I am not with the kids. Being upset and angry that I feel that way and that I don’t have free time ever to do things I would like to do or want to do. Because I am the only one they have and I am it 24/7/365. I resent it and it pisses me off and i just want to pack their shit and drop them on their father’s door steps and take a break. I can’t do that and that pisses me off. Its just a big circle that nothing can be done about right now. It pisses me off everyone else does whatever they want to do and has help and tome away.

Like Sunday J.W said he wasn’t doing our normal Sunday whatever. He was staying home doing some things. I get it he only has the one day off. But it just upset me or what because i should of been able to do what I needed to do and gone back over. But I couldn’t i had be home with the kids. I can’t ever just decide I’m going to do this or that for me today or because its what I want to do. Because i always got to be available for and to the kids.

Don’t get me wrong I love my kids more than anything. But everyone needs a break once in a while and I never ever get that. Its been over two years since I had a sitter for my kids. Then that was only 3 of them and it was because I was doing something with the other. And if anything happen I still had to be able to leave go take care of it. I don’t know the last time I didn’t have to be available or really worry. Probably over 8 years ago when me and RC were together. The kids would go with Father of the Year for the weekend. Since then I have been the only one doing it all. Even after that if he had anything to do with them it was take them run to the store bring them back or sit at the house with them until he got ready to leave. I couldn’t have anyone over and he was going to leave when ever so I had to be there to be with them. If i left i had to make sure i was back. I couldn’t just say im spend the night here or there or come home when i want to or what. It sucks. Never having a break to just do for yourself. You can try to take time here there but it is not the same.

So life been pretty much same crap different day. Depression no break worse depression stretched to far ready to give up feeling hopeless angry and resentful. Don’t care if you live or die Same kind of day. Not resentful of my kids but these assholes who call theirself men and daddies.

{December 2, 2019}   R.I.P My Girl


This was probably one of the worst long holiday weekends we have had in a long time, maybe ever. Last Monday I had to take the dog to the emergency vet after my night job. I ended up leaving work at 11 that night to take her. She was having a lot of trouble getting up and moving around and fell and couldn’t get up. The kids got her in the house because she was outside. When I got there I tried to get her to get up and she wouldn’t or couldn’t. She would just move the front of her body around and try to drag or pull her back legs around. I put a blanket down to get her on to take her to the vet and she couldn’t get on it. She loves to ride but couldn’t even get up when I asked her if she wanted to go for a ride.

We finally got her on the blanket it and it took us a while to move her and get her into the car. We could hardly get her picked up. We could only get her a little piece and have to sit her down. When we got there they came out and got her on a stretcher. Once inside she got up and moved around for them some but still had problems and wasn’t to strong.

The vet came in and checked her out. He didn’t do x rays but really moved her legs around and checked her back and things really good. He seemed to think it was arthritis in her hips. We didn’t do x rays because she had problems a few years ago and they gave her meds and she was good in a few days and had not had problems since. They said in 3 to 4 days we should see an improvement.

By Friday she wasn’t doing better and the meds were not helping with pain for very long at all. She was needing it again well before time for her to have it again. I had pain meds they gave her before that she didn’t need all of so I called the drug store to see if she could take the two meds together and they said yes. I got home and told them to give her the pain med until I could call her vet and get her in the next morning.

I called them Saturday morning and they said they could get her in at 1. It took a bit to get her in the car again but she was more able to help us get her in there. We got there and she wouldn’t get out. I told oldest to go in and ask them to help us with her. While she was in there I finally got her to get out of the car. She wanted to walk all over but I got her to go in because I knew that she wasn’t going to walk around long or would fall down. I didn’t want her to get stuck outside. About the time we walked in they were coming from the back with a stretcher to get her in. They took us right into a room.

The tech came in and talked to us she said the vet would like xrays and blood work. We were fit in between appointments and late so it maybe a little bit before she could get in to see us but we could have this in the works and ready when she got in. I told them we would do the x ray but I wanted to talk to the doctor and wait for the blood work. By the time they got back to us the doctor came in with them. We talked and she took her to get the x rays. We really thought it was going to be her hips and she needed stronger medication.

They brought her back in and said her hips looked great, even for her age. Then they told us (oldest went with me) that it was her spine. They said it was getting narrow and it had arthritis in it and it was what was causing her to lose control and not be able to use her back legs. She said we could put her on stronger meds and pain meds and see how well we could manage it. But that it would not really improve her, she would most always need help getting up and getting around. They were talking about the stronger meds also would effect her organs and with her being older was more likely to happen and probably wouldn’t take long to. She also pointed out that the mass she has was kind of swollen and was at risk of busting open. She said she didn’t know if it was that way because she was just in heat and would go down or not. She said we would just have to watch it. She said that she would start to get pressure sores from not being able to move and things as well.

She didn’t just dump it all on us, she told me as I asked her questions and things. I just told her I was trying to figure out if the meds were going to help or just prolong things? That I didn’t want her to suffer but that I also didn’t want to rush to do anything if she had a chance of improving and doing alright if we just worked with her and gave her time.

She said that she felt at this time it would just be giving her quantity of life not quality. She told us we could take her home and come back later or another day to give us time and things. She said that honestly she felt it was time and that she felt she was ready. I told her I said I want to do what is best for her. I don’t want to take her home to just give us time and things when she is suffering. I just want to be sure we are doing the right thing. She said no she understood and answered all our questions and talked with us for a while. We decided it was best for her and that we needed go ahead and do it. We told the tech and she took her out and put the iv in. She said it would be a while before the vet could get to us she was in the other rooms seeing other animals. She asked if we would be ready when she was done or if we just wanted to leave her or let her know when we were ready. I told her we be okay let us know when the vet was ready.

My oldest decided she didn’t want to be there while they did it. I was fine with that. I have had to do this two other times and hate it but won’t just leave them alone while they do it and let them spend their last few minutes alone they been there so much for us.

In a little bit the tech and vet came back in. They had ice cream and cake or something on a plate for her. My oldest went out. She was on a big towel on the floor we were sitting on. They sat down on the floor with me and the dog. They gave her the plate of treats. She ate the cake up right away. Then she started on the ice cream. She ate a good amount of it. While she was eating it they gave her an injection to make her go to sleep as if they were going to do surgery on her. She went to sleep right away, they moved the plate over from her. She started to snore and was laying there so peacefully. Then the vet said she would give her the injection that would do it and it would be done with in just a minute or two. I told her okay. I sat there and pet her and held her head and they gave her the shot. In a minute she said it was done. I just cried we had cried the whole time we sat there petting her and talking to her. I looked at her and we all got up after a few minutes and I looked down at her. She looked like one of those huge stuffed animals that you see at the store. I just wanted to reach down grab her and cuddle her. I had to leave the room, I couldn’t sit there and see her like that.

We got home and I had to tell the kids she went to be with Sprite our dog that got hit a few years ago and passed. They are so upset. My Little Bitty said can we just get out of here and go do something? I don’t want to be in the house without her right now. The other kids all were upset as well.

My poor little Bitty cried and cried last night and all she has said since I told her is this is the worse time for this to happen. This is the worse day for this to happen. She needed to be here for Christmas, she was supposed to be here so she could see all the pretty Christmas stuff and lights and to get her gifts. Then she could go be with her and grandpa. I keep telling her that they are all together and happy watching over her. But she is still upset. It is understandable. I feel horrible for them.

We got her when my older two were 3 and 2. They picked her out when she was a few days old and brought her home at 8 weeks old, just a few days before Christmas. She been around pretty much all my kids lives. She loved them as much as they loved her. She has been apart of our family for 12 years. That is a long time and seems even longer for kids. I don’t know what breaks my heart more, wjat we had to do or for them to have to go through this again and with one they are so close to.

Little Bitty took her picture here and added to it as you can see.

Today Pops got to the shop late, it was after lunch. I told him I had to go over across the way to the vets a minute. It’s probably not even a quarter mile from our office now. When we move it will be even closer. But I ran over and picked up the paw print they made. I went in and told them what I was there for and everything. They went back and brought a little bag out. I didn’t even look in I went to leave. As I was walking across the parking lot back to the car I felt the bag and could tell there was more in it. About the that time it hit me. It was her collar and leash. Now I don’t know what to do with it. One thing the kids said was where is her collar? I told them I left it on her, left it with her. They said good we want it to stay with her. I was that way with my other dogs as well. I didn’t want their collars I felt they should be with them and one I had loved his collar he hated for you to take it off. He sit and wait for you to put it back on him.

So when I felt them in the bag today this oh no now what just came over me. My first thought was to throw them away but it just seems wrong to throw them away. I hate to take them home to the kids because I know it is going to upset them they wanted it to stay with her. Right now they are still in the bag with the print I have to figure out what to do with them before I go home tonight. If I had my truck I just toss them in one of the boxes or what and figure it out later but this car has no where to keep things. I wish I jad noticed inside I would of asked them to keep them. Just told them the kids wanted them to stay with her I didn’t want them to see them. I know I shhould just be the adult and get rid of them or what but I can’t and dont know what to do with them either. Getting rid of them feel like we just didn’t care or don’t care and that isn’t it at all. We just wanted them to stay with her and not to have them. There isn’t really anything we can do with them other than just have them laying around. I will probably just take them home and drop them in my trunk.

{August 7, 2019}   Had To Share 💖 it So Much

Found this on Mind at War-page on Facebook………………………………………………….

It occurred to Pooh and Piglet that they hadn’t heard from Eeyore for several days, so they put on their hats and coats and trotted across the Hundred Acre Wood to Eeyore’s house. Inside the house was Eeyore.

“Hello Eeyore,” said Pooh.

“Hello Pooh. Hello Piglet” said Eeyore, in a Glum sounding voice.

“We just thought we’d check on you,” said Piglet, “because we hadn’t heard from you, and so we wanted to know if you were okay.”

Eeyore was silent for a moment. “Am I okay?” he asked, eventually. “Well, I don’t know, to be honest. Are any of us really okay? That’s what I ask myself. All I can tell you, Pooh and Piglet, is that right now I feel really rather Sad, and Alone, and Not Much Fun To Be Around At All.

Which is why I haven’t bothered you. Because you wouldn’t want to waste your time hanging out with someone who is Sad, and Alone, and Not Much Fun To Be Around At All, would you now.”

Pooh looked and Piglet, and Piglet looked at Pooh, and they both sat down, one on either side of Eeyore in his stick house.

Eeyore looked at them in surprise. “What are you doing?”

“We’re sitting here with you,” said Pooh, “because we are your friends. And true friends don’t care if someone is feeling Sad, or Alone, or Not Much Fun To Be Around At All. True friends are there for you anyway. And so here we are.”

“Oh,” said Eeyore. “Oh.” And the three of them sat there in silence, and while Pooh and Piglet said nothing at all; somehow, almost imperceptibly, Eeyore started to feel a very tiny little bit better.

Because Pooh and Piglet were There.
No more; no less.


Author – AA Milne
Illustration – EH Shepard

{March 24, 2019}   A Very Odd Emotional State

I have felt very angry and upset the last 3 or 4 days. With everything today that happen isn’t helping.

The kids are upset I’m not here during the week but then complain when I am here and we can’t do anything because I’m not making enough. I feel like no matter what I do or how hard I try I am failing them and letting them down.

All I want to do is cry. I have been fighting crying for days. I feel this disconnect with in me.

It’s like inside I feel nothing but my head is dealing with all that is being thrown at me. But then at times I feel so much anger and hate and empty because no one cares.

The kids do the least little thing I get so mad and aggravated. Mostly because nothing I do is right or good enough and they aren’t happy. One thing in life I just want them happy and no matter how hard i try I can’t. So i have failed. Failed them yet again. Failed over all yet again. I can see why no one cares about me why I’m alone. Sitting here on the couch writting this from my phone. Kids are watching tv and playing on the computer. All I want to do is cry. I fight not to cry, not to get up and walk out, not to go in there and drink.

You know if I could do life over again I would never have kids. Because I would not want to risk them going through all this. I love my kids but i love them enough to not want this for them.

{March 17, 2019}   Unexpected Praying

I haven’t prayed in a long time, probably since I tried to do the 30 day prayer challenge back last year. Here is where I am right now.

I am at my day job that I love. It is all I have wanted other than pay. I am able to come and go and take off when I need or want to. Everyone I work with are supper nice.

I was at the lot it wasn’t working for me but most of the people were nice. The pay days and hours sucked but it was just enough to cover everything between the two.

Now tomorrow I start this new job in the evenings and leave the car lot. The hours are good no more weekends and the pay is great. The people I have met so far are nice. I can more than make the bills in a month. I can get ahead and have somethings. Get new truck and fix things.

I am happy for the most part, life isn’t perfect but it never will be. I am okay with the way things are for the most part. I don’t feel this doom and gloom feeling all the time. I feel like everything is alright or working out. I still feel somethings aren’t fair or right but I don’t care. That’s another post all together.

But I don’t miss not going to church or the praying or any of it. It has been years since I went to church last and a while since I prayed. I use to pray even when I wasn’t in church. I tried that challenge because I hadn’t been praying like I should. But it didn’t work out and I gave up on all of it. Like I said I have been okay with it all. I had not even thought about any of it until a few weeks a go. I was driving down the street thinking about Sleeping Beauty and all that is going on and was said and done between us. How things are now what me and bff has been talking about. AnD over The last few weeks I keep catching myself thinking about all of it and praying. I don’t even notice or realize I am doing it until I get distracted by something else and then think about what I was doing. Most the time I am just driving a long.

I don’t know why or what causes it or even gets me started. It seems very odd or weird even to me. Because I haven’t prayed for anyone or anything in so long. Someone brings it up I tell them yeah I don’t do that anymore or I don’t believe in it or what. People say pray for me I say I would if it was something I do but good luck.   Why am I not even trying or knowing and why in this situation now? Why do our minds do that to us?

{February 7, 2019}   Song Challenge Day 4

This song is one that makes me sad. It makes me think of when I was with RC. We only ever had one real right or disagreement whatever you want to call it. Because he would leave and go for a drive or walk or something if something was getting to him. Once he had time to think about it and clear his head he come talk to me about it. We would work it out. I was getting better about it myself. One reason I am the way I am today and was with Sleeping Beauty no point in fighting lets talk about it work it out. I really like the song but can’t listen to it anymore because it hurts to much to think about what we had.


I do not own this song or any rights to it.

{November 9, 2018}   A Long Sad Day

No one was there when I got to work this morning so I opened and turned everything on and got to work. In a little bit the owners dad came it. We will call him Pop. So when I talk about pop that’s who it is.

He got right to work then came talked to me some. We had a customer and he went after they left and found something to keep himself busy. In a little bit he came sat back down. We talked some he was talking about his wife. He said he is 74 she is 68. He said I am supposed to go first why I married younger. She isn’t supposed to have all these problems.

In a little bit he said he was going to go so he could go see her. If a big order came in call him. If it was just small stuff he would get it later. I told him I would tell them all they could pick it up tomorrow.

It is so sad you can tell he is so worried and lost. He said I heard the C word I don’t remember anything else that was said hardly. He said she has had it so ruff the last few weeks.

I feel so bad he will come sit he just sits don’t say a lot. You can tell it is consuming him he feels so bad. I feel so bad for him. Its so very sad. Makes me want to cry. Reminds me of my grandpa when my grandma was so sick and then passed. They were 75 it wss so very hard on him. You can tell he really cares and they are close. He keeps going between the shop and the hospital. I told him we are good just spend time with her but I think its hard for her being there seeing her but then he feels bad not being being there.

It has been hard on me the last few days with all this going on thinking about my dad, grandpa and other family member’s.

I love my job its perfect in just about every way. It is what I have wanted for a long time. But this is not how or why I wanted to end up in this job and would rather not have it. But if it has to be……

I am just trying to figure out why I have been brought into this situation. What am I supposed to do, see, or get out of it or do for them or what. Its brought up a lot from my past that is hard for me. I have been trying to push it down and stuff it but it has been hard. I cried a little today between all that I am dealing with and seeing him. He was in the shop I don’t think he seen me. I feel I should be doing something or saying something. I don’t know what. I feel helpless. We sat and talked about all kinds of stuff Wednesday before they called and said they found the tumor on the brain and he left. I felt I needed to be working but he come in and sat and we started talking. Today about 4 I said something he ask what days i was booking for how many more I needed. I said next Thursday i needed 2 and to book fri and saturday. He said take a break relaxe you been busy. We just kind of sat there playing on our phones talking a little. He got a call i cashed the draw out dropped the money. I locked up turned everything off went back in the office. It was about 5/10 til 5. He was on the phone with his wife. I was just going to tell him everything was locked up I would see him tomorrow. He told her he would be there in a bit the new girl was pushing him out and going home and laughed. He hung up we were walking out. He said I sure hope she is going to be okay. I said she will. He went to his car. He was headed back to her when I passed him going to work. It is just so sad she is going through this and him too.

{August 27, 2018}   In Need of Advice

Little Bitty brought up her dad again the other day. I just don’t know what to tell her or do. I just let her talk and told her I did not find his number yet. I haven’t, I could message him but I don’t know. Not something I really want to message him.

I am torn between contacting him or not. I have so many mixed feelings over it all. I want nothing more than for them to have some kind of relationship. I feel the sooner it forms if it is going to the better. But then I worry if he comes to see her how things will end up. Because I don’t want him to bring his gf if they are still together. I don’t want him taking her around his mom and her boyfriend. I don’t want to fight over it. I fight enough as it is when it comes to dealing with things. I don’t want this to be one too.

Like I told my friend, if he came here to see here great I have no problem with it. I have no problem with him taking her on his own out if he wanted to and she wanted to go. Because when it comes down to it he is a good dad and she would be safe with him and I do not think he try to pull anything. If it was just him. But if he came with her or decided to go see his mom why he was here I do not trust them even with him there. They are not people I want her around.

If he does want to have anything to do with her is he going to stick around or is it just going to be in and out and worse on her than not finding him? If he wants nothing to do with her how do I handle that and tell her? How am I going to feel and react to talking to him and having him in our lives in whatever form that maybe? And seeing him if it comes to that? How am I going to react if he gets nasty and don’t want anything to do with her? Way to much to consider all the way around. I don’t know what to do. I haven’t really had anyone to talk to and bounce things off of or get any advice from. Everyone to busy with their own crap or just say don’t do it tell her you can’t find him right now. I can I don’t want to lie to her. Then she finds out later I could of all along. That would not be good.

I think I am going to ask Sleeping Beauty if we can get together and talk. Tell him I just need advice. We always talk about the kids and things going on he thinks of things i don’t or points things out. Gives good advice.

{August 5, 2018}   Just Keep Dating

I have decided I am going to just keep dating as the chances come up and see what happens. I see no real future with the guys I am talking to. Other than the one and he is dealing with himself right now. And that as I have said before is great that he has finally figured out he needs to do that. Well that he is taking the time to do it. He has known for a while.

I am just going to keep meeting new people, talk, go on dates or what and see what happens. If the other comes around later we are both single and ee decide to give it a try great. If not that is fine too, I am fine with just being friends or there when he needs to talk. All friendships and relationships are different. However ours ends up is okay. I will always care about him and be that place he can turn to when he needs.

I also think I need to work on me some more as I continue on this journey. As I have had something’s come up that could stand to be worked on over the last year while talking and things with these guys. I just wish there were more places to go to meet people and things. Let the dating fun continue 😕

{July 31, 2018}   Flooding Back

Laying here I everything keeps flooding over me like waves crashing on the beach. All the things I have done for others and how they treated me in the end. All the bad shit that has happened and all the abuse. Just pounding against me beating me down.

I hear my ex telling me I can’t be loved, the other one telling me why it’s okay for him to abuse me, the ones who tell me its all my fault, how if I was a better person I wouldn’t be alone, how everyone hates me, thinks im a horrible person and talks about me. I feel like I am never going to be happy again. Keep hearing in my head i am asking for to much. I don’t feel I am I just want simple things and a decent person to be with. I feel like I am being smothered, my heart hurts and feels like its being squesed like a stress ball. I feel a lump in my throat and sick in the pit of my stomach.

I just want to get up and leave, get dressed get in my truck and drive away. At the sametime it seems like it would take so much effort to do it that it wouldn’t be worth it. I feel so overwhelmed and beat down.

et cetera
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