After dealing with R.C and Father of The Year I don’t like me. I don’t like the way I feel in a relationship anymore. I don’t like that I can’t decide if there really is something wrong or if it’s just me. I hate how needy and clingy I feel.

I don’t feel loved, I don’t feel that closeness, that connection, that bond. I feel like friends and not even friends with benefits. It’s so hard to explain or for me to even under really. I know things are all messed up because of the way things are right now with the kids not knowing. Nothing being open not being able to do things go places. And then there is the issue of sex and things as well. It is all just getting to me. The fact I hate my life right now the way me and the kids are living. The fact I can’t get out of it. Everyone is unhappy.

But things with JW were good and I was happy there other than the one issue we have going on. But I was still happy and still felt loved and like a couple. Now I just don’t know, I feel like when it comes to affection and things he keeps me at arms length. At the same time. I feel like maybe it’s just me and how I am that makes me feel that way. Or maybe I’m not getting close or letting him be closer because I’m scared of the bottom falling out and getting hurt.

I know we have been together 7/8 months we are falling into that normal for us routine. Thing’s aren’t going to be like they were in the bargaining. The new is fading this is us now. But at the same time I feel like we are pulling away from each other. Well I feel he is and I am wanting to be clingy and need that extra. I was never that way before. But it’s like once we hit that settled this is us, this is our normal then it is going to end. Because when I get comfortable it always ends. How do I get past that feeling? How do I get past the feeling of needing that extra from him?

I think he is happy he called me every night he was away not just the one time I asked him to. He stayed on the phone for an hour or more everytime. He keeps telling me now how he can’t wait until things are different we have a place together. How he can’t wait to fall a sleep with me and wake up to me in the morning. How much better we will both sleep and talks about wanting to take the kids and do stuff with them spend time with them do for them. This is just random out of the blue not like we will be talking about things or anything.

I can’t get past the feeling he just settled either. I know everyone is different. But then he say’s why didn’t we see each other back in the day. Why didn’t we talk before now. Had I known what was going on and thing’s. He wish we gotten together years ago when we found each other.

He ask what’s wrong sometimes and I say nothing. He don’t like it but he don’t push it. But I don’t know how to tell him or if I should. Some thing’s I want him to know there is an issue with still. I want to tell him how I feel and that I am scared. But at the same time, I don’t want him to feel he is doing something wrong or I am saying it’s his fault. Just how I feel and what I need right now. I keep telling myself the way things are is my fault once things change maybe it will be better. Not to say anything or he may leave. I think i don’t want him to leave. But at the same time it’s like okay fine let him if that is to much for him. Better to find out now than later on. But i so want to be with him and care about him and feel good about us all as a family. I don’t want to lose him. I just don’t know anymore.

{September 13, 2019}   Shelter In Place

I drop the little kids off at school and ran oldest to the store before I headed out. I was going to run to the store to pick up lunch and stop to get my coffee of course. I wasn’t in a rush I had an hour and half before I had to be at work.

As I left I seen a sheriff car pass me and go toward the school. I thought it was a little odd because we are in city limits and it would be local police that would go. But I figured no big deal there could be any number of reasons it was going and went on. Not thinking anymore of it at that point.

I went picked up my coffee and headed to the store for lunch. I got my wrap made and picked up a half gallon of tea. I got to work a little early was thinking about eating a little of my lunch and getting my day started. I pulled in the guys were here getting ready to leave. I thought they would of been gone but they weren’t. One was on the bus the other was in the office. I opened up put things away and got ready for the day. I went to sit down and check the phone when I pulled my phone out of my pocket and notice I missed a text.

I read it and it said that the kids school had been put on a shelter in place but it was over and they were going on with normal day. They said there had been a threat made online against the school.That is great they checked things out but who is to say that nothing is going to happen later in the day or as the kids are getting out of school?

The one came out of the bathroom and said he was leaving. I said so am I, I have to go get my kids. He said what your leaving too? I said yes but just for a little bit. I will probably be about 10 minutes late. I told him what I got on my phone. He said he would call Pops and tell him to come in. I told him if he wanted but we should be okay. He said he was going to call him. We walked out and I locked up we all left.

He asked if I they were going to give them to me or I was going to be able to get them? I said I don’t know what they are going to do or say but I will be getting them. I got all the way home and to the school and noticed I walked out and left my purse at the office and of all days my drivers license. I remembered I had a picture of it on my phone. I hoped they would let me pick them up with that. They let me get a pass to eat with them and everything with it. I figured they were already going to give me a hard time about checking them out and then tell me because of it all I had to have it not a picture. But I got there and just told them I needed to check out this one and that one and they called them to the office pulled their paper and had me sign it. They never asked me for my license at all. I was not sure how I felt about that but when I told her and she was getting their papers she called them by last name and knew who they were. I think they know me as well since we have been there every day for the last two years.

I don’t know what to think. My first reaction was to go get them then I thought no everything will be fine. But then I thought about how scared my little one was and how much the drill upset her last year and I didn’t want her sitting there knowing they thought something was going to happen or was. I thought I know most nothing is going to happen but what if I don’t bring them home and it does happen? I would rather be safe than sorry.

The kids were all excited to see me and ran up to give me a hug. They were asking why I was picking them up. I asked them what they did so far today and they said school work and telling me what they done. I said did you have a drill or something like that. They said they sheltered in place but it was just a practice like all the other times. I told them no that it wasn’t just a drill that they had a threat something might happen at the school and I decided to bring them home for the day.

Mr. 8 said oh thank you mommy you are so good for worrying about us and trying to keep us safe. I am glad they weren’t worried or scared. But at the same time I think they should know in case something happened they would know what to do.

{April 15, 2019}   Is This A Test

I don’t know what to think about all this with Special K. I have not heard from since right before he got off Friday. But this isn’t unusual For him, like every other guy out there he just stops talking for days. But most the time not  if we are trying to get together. If I am wanting to come over or if he is wanting me to come over.

I keep going over and over everything that has been on my mind since last week. How do I really feel. what should I do about it, do I want to tell him, do I want to try to have more, why don’t I, why do I, what feelings are real, the ones I feel for him, the ones I felt or thought I felt for the other? What should I do where do I start, how do I get him to talk to me, see me?

I keep coming back to the through that he is seeing someone. I just had the thought did I say something? The other day when I said I could make it feel right. Should I have not said that? Did me telling him I was with someone make him think about things and change his mind? Or think about it and start to question why he keeps trying if he keeps getting turned down? Is he just going to say fuck you or to late?

What do I tell him? How do I tell him? Do I tell him I have been thinking and if he still would like to lets give it a try? Do I tell him why I have been pushing away so much or avoiding it and saying no? That he is my comfort or safe place and that I am scared of messing that up and being hurt more? Do I just see if he still wants to try more and just forget everything and go from there if he don’t ask or say anything?

I find myself looking at things different with him. I find myself thinking that if he isn’t interested in more, then just breaking it off and backing off like I had planed to start with. I find myself wanting to see him, wanting him to come pull me over to him, into him, I just want to hold each other and not let go. I want to know when we do that we are more than just “friends”. But don’t know that will happen.

I don’t know what to think about all that I have had running through my head the last 5 or 6 days. I don’t have anyone to bounce things off or or talk to things about and get a honest option about it all. I talked to Bff about it but she just says the same thing you two are so good together, he seems like a good guy, you should do it. I talked to her about all the thoughts I have had and was I avoiding him because of the way I felt? Was I more interested in the others because I was going in expecting that something might or would happen? But with him it seems more solid more real and more of a it will work out and I am scared of all that? She just says yeah it makes since.

I don’t want someone who is just going to agree or say the same thing no matter who I am talking about or with. I know she isn’t I know she means well. But she just hasn’t been there or get into it so in depth. I guess, she has really never had a relationship other than her hubby. They have been together since she was 16 and they only got together because she got in trouble and he was the only one she was allowed to see or talk to. Her dad was very controlling. It was kind of an arranged kind of thing if you really look at it and how she was raised and controlled.

I can’t go to my Good Friend that I haven’t talked to in so long because he don’t like Special K. He has made comments about us talking and things before. Special K is his ex wife’s boyfriend. Like I said here way back she tried to tell me all kinds of things about him until she knew how well I knew him. Who knows what she has said to him and he just like that. He don’t see why I am interested in Special K and not him. Plus we have not talked in a long time. I am kind of sad about that too but I am doing what I can hope we start talking again soon but he still isn’t the one to talk to about this. Although if it was someone different and we were talking he would probably be the best to talk to about it.

I have thought about contacting Special K and asking him if he would stop by and see me at work when he gets off today. He gets off at 4, I don’t get off until 5 and then have to run right to my other job. I don’t have time to stop and see him and talk. If he was to stop here we could have some time to talk. But I don’t know if this is a conversation I want to have or start and maybe have to leave before it is done. I just don’t know. I just want to get it out there and figure out and see where we are going to go from here or how we feel. I hate being in situations like this. Him not answering and not having time to go see him and things like that. If he was going to be up late I could stop by after work but if not then I couldn’t really see him until Thursday or Friday and I can’t see waiting that long. If I have to wait that long I have more time than I should have because I will figure out reasons to talk myself out of it and I don’t want to do that. I am moving forward in so many areas or most areas of life, I feel that I need to move forward in this area and that this needs worked out.

At times I feel like I am rushing into it, but I’m really not we have been doing this for how long now and he has tried how many times. I feel like how can I jump from one to the other. But I think like I said last week, what I really want wasn’t going to come from Sleeping Beauty I knew that but was hoping for something more than it could be. Because he is a good person and great with kids. But he has to many issues that I was over looking or in denial about because I figured if it didn’t work out it was okay because I knew he had issues it might not. That the real feelings I have or had are for Special K but I was projecting them on him because he was safer I wouldn’t get hurt or as hurt when it didn’t work out. I wouldn’t lose my friend. I have said all this. I guess I just need to get out of my head. Maybe I can find someone that will help or listen be sounding board give good advice.

Bff said Wednesday night I was going to give it up to him and tell him how much I love him when Sleeping Beauty asked what we were talking about. I had no idea that was what she was going to say. He said why are you crazy he stood you up tonight and your going to do that. I just said I knew why he didn’t come I understood. He asked why. I said because he didn’t have money to pay and didn’t want me paying for him. He asked why he didn’t have money. I said probably because has a car payment and just got into a house and has the bills for it. I haven’t talked to him in a month or two so who knows what else has been going on or what may have came up or happen. He just said oh. But really he didn’t stand me up he already told me he wasn’t coming or couldn’t come. I just was trying to get him to come.

I said to bff the other day when he said are you crazy or why when he has stood you up? I should of said I guess because I am stupid and didn’t learn my lesson when you done it to me. Your right thanks for pointing that out and where that leads to in the end no matter how much you are there for someone. But like I said he didn’t really stand me up and our relationship is different we have been doing whatever we are doing for years and he has made it clear he wants more 3 or 4 times. He gets after me for not letting him help me and things.

On the topic of helping me another reason I don’t know about or resist getting with him. He is a take charge, take care of things, handle it kind of person like RC and it is so hard for me to step back and let someone do that and even harder with the way things ended with me and RC after I did step back and let him take charge or handle things. I know he don’t want to rush in and make everything right or “take care” of me but just stepping back and letting someone else take control or the lead or having to work with someone and answer to someone, consider someone else when I decide to do things. I hadn’t even really thought about that part of things. I mean I have but not really. I haven’t thought about what that would really look like with him. I mean I have thought about it with others and some it never crossed my mind with him I am in the middle. It is just one of them things that you know you’er going to have to do but haven’t really put thought into what that looks like with them. With him I know like with RC it is going to be a lot of effort or thought that is going to have to go into how things are done and said. That isn’t a bad thing just something I have to work on more because I am not use to that. It is hard for me to do and to let go and let someone else or to think how is this person going to feel about that or are they going to be okay with this or I should talk to him first.

Why is there never anyone to talk to when you need them? Ugh well if you all have an opion or thoughts you would like to toss out there I would love to hear them. A lot of you have been here for this long crazy ride and I am sure probably have some thoughts on it all or that I am just crazy over all. That is okay too, I welcome any and all feedback.


{September 9, 2018}   Marry A Man Who……

Love this had to share.

Every since I received the message asking if I could deliver pizzas again and I said yes the dread has started setting in. I hate doing it, I can’t see at night, i get lost, it gives me no days off but Monday. It takes away more time with the kids more time they sit alone taking care of themselves and dealing with the bitch.

I don’t make that much but right now every dollar helps.

For some reason this one street keeps coming to mind every since she asked. I don’t know why. It bothers me that it does. I have only ever been there once maybe twice. It is mostly given to me because the other drivers don’t want to go there. It is the worse street in town the cops do not even go unless they have to and then they go in groups. They tell me its worse in the day than night but i dont work days so I don’t know. I know I am the only one that make tips from down there. I just don’t know why it keeps popping in my head when i only been there once or twice in all the time i been there. I don’t like it, it is not a good feeling.

When I get down there they come out from no where all around my truck and infront of it trying to get you to stop. Its a dead end. I have to go almost to the end to even turn around and head out if i needed to get out i really cant. I would have to back out hope i could.

I never really thought twice about going down there. The first time I was worried because they were not sure my truck would fit down there and be able to get turned around. That was all i was worried about at the time. Now it is different.

Today I dropped the little kids off at school and went to school with the big kids and spent the day. When we left there we went to therapy, the chickens and then to pick the little kids back up. They had fundraiser where one of the places brought food and sold and they get part of the money. I wasn’t going to do it but the kids talked me into it since I haven’t done any of the fundraisers this year. They had a bike a thon last Friday but they didn’t go. We are going to a dinner thing at the big kids school in a couple weeks. Well I thought I had picked up money I had put up at home before I left this morning but when I checked my pocket I hadn’t. So we got the little kids came home to get the money to go back and get dinner.

Today I knew I was going to be at the big kids school with them all day so I gave them keys to the truck told them to get in I would be there in a minute. They open the door, went out and left it open. We do this every morning whoever is first out leave door open last one out closets it. I always lock it on my way out so when they close it I know it is locked if I am not last one out. I have my light bill down less than $100 and money is tight so I been trying to keep things not being used turned off. I had my oldest turn the air up to 80 when she was standing in the hall talking to me before she went to the truck. She went out I turned off my light turned off the bathroom light and check to make sure the toilet wasn’t running because it is messed up. I came out open the boys room turned off their light and then checked the girls room. I checked the back door to make sure it was locked and went to go into the living room. I seen the one dog laying on the other in the cage I was hot, I said it is muggy in here I am going to turn the air down(yes I talk to the dogs). That way when it started getting warmer they wouldn’t get to warm. I went back down the hall closed my bedroom door so I could get to the control for the air because my bedroom door opens out into the hall instead of into the room. This the air control is behind it when it is open. I closed the door turned it down and left.

I left the kids in the truck so that I could just run in get the money and go to the bathroom. I open the door and started through the house. I got across the living room and my big dog came running from down the hall to meet me. I ran and shut the door because if the door is open she will run right out it. I almost didn’t beat her to the door. Then I looked for the other dog because she didn’t come running with her and she was still in the cage. That was the first thought I had when she ran over and met me from down the hall was how did you get out of the cage. We have two dogs they share a cage and the only time one is in it without the other is when we are home and one gets into trouble. We can not open the front door with them out or they will bolt and have to be chased down. They will run 6 blocks away and back and forth, no fun. At night we put a load of wash in the washer then when the kids get up in the morning they give dogs water, walk them and then put them in the cage so they can go to the laundry room and truck without them getting away. They stay in the cage until I get back from taking them to school and let them out. Before I leave they go back in the cage so they don’t bolt when I try to leave or when we are all trying to come in the house. Not only was the dog out of her cage, but my bedroom door was open, my light and fan was on, the bathroom light in my room was on and the toilet was running.

I have looked all over and can not find anything that is missing from the house, my tv, computers, money everything is still here. I ask the girl across from me if she seen anyone at my house today she said she was gone all day too. She just got home not long before we did. She ask me could one of your dogs just gotten out of the cage but not the other? Really one got out held the other one there to keep her in and locked it back up. And my 60 lb one got out but my 20 lb one couldn’t have? There is nothing wrong with the cage at all checked it over. But the dog had used the bathroom on herself and had it all over the cage and floor. I find that odd too because they both had and they normally don’t do that. I wonder if someone gave them something to them that would make them poop like that.

I went got the kids food and to take my friend to the store like I told her I would. She kept saying it was Father of The Year I really didn’t think it was. I called him on the phone and ask him what he did today and if he had come to my house. He said no. I told him I was calling the police so if he had I needed to know he still said no and wanted to know why. He said that he slept until 11 something then ran my mom to places she had to go and just barely maid it to work on time. I believe him because where he works is to far from my house for him to have been at work when I was talking to him if he had been to my house and then went. He knows if he says he was with my mom he had better been because I will call her and ask her if I think he is lying to me and she will tell me. He knows if I call the police the first thing they going to say is your ex where is he where has he been and they could call my mom and his job to see where he was all day. I know they will because they done it before when something happen at my house growing up. They wanted to know where my step dad was went to his house and got him out of bed to lay eyes on him to make sure it couldn’t have been him.

I didn’t call the police, I have nothing missing and can’t prove who it was or why. If I call they will be like why are you calling us if there is nothing missing and no sign of a break in. But there has never been a break in when whoever this is comes in my house, they come in the door and go back out the door. I have come home many times over the years and someone has been in my house. A lot when I had my house we were buying and me and the kids were staying there alone. I had someone setting off my alarms, letting my dog lose off her chain and they even hit her. I called the police they do nothing no way to know who done it call us if you catch them. But I would go in the house then and I could smell cigurate smoke all through my house where they had walked around my house inside smoking. I did not smoke no one who came to my house smoked. Other times I would come in and the house would smell like oil. If you live with or know a mechanic you know the smell I am talking about it is not a smell you just get easy or pick up randomly. It is a smell you get from being under a car or under the hood all day working. It’s a greasy oily smell. It be all through my house, it wasn’t like the air was pulling it in because you would not smell it outside at all not even a hint but once you walked in it would hit you like a cloud. Back then I hardly ever ran my air only at night when we were sleeping. Other times it would smell like aftershave. The same thing nothing missing just like wanting to let you know they were there. Today is the first time they were so bold and did things like turn lights on use the bathroom let the dog out of the cage. I find it funny still they let one out not the other. But the one they didn’t let out is the one I have only had a year or two since I moved in this house, she is the hyper one that will not stay off of you and jumps all over you. She is a puppy still and just wants to play. Not sure how she wold react if someone came in the house with no one home like today. The big one they did let out is the one that I have had since she was 6 weeks old, she is 10 years old now. She is the one that they hit, she is the one that they use to let lose off the chain the morning after my alarms were set off, she is the one that I could lay there and hear them outside talking to her. So if it is the same person or people she knows them and is use to them and/or scared of them.

I kept thinking all evening why let the dog out risk her maybe still doing something even if she knows you? Why let her out and be bothered with her at all? Why not just leave her in the cage like the other one and do whatever you came in to do. I it hit me tonight sitting here they let her out and left her out so I knew that she been out and that someone had been in here. I think they left her out to say look I was in your house, I had your dog out and done whatever I wanted to do and she did nothing, I can come in your house and your dog isn’t going to do anything. I do think if they came in and we were here she put up a fight just because of the way I seen her act toward people I let in the house she did not want here and because of the way she has acted toward others she knew when kids were involved. She don’t play when kids are around and someone does something or she don’t like someone. I have seen her get bad I told the people to leave because even with her in her cage I didn’t feel it was safe for them because of the way she was acting. she was trying to get out. I didn’t like them want them here anyway so that gave me reason to get them out and to tell owners not to send them back to my house.

But anyway this worries me and then tonight I was sitting here on my bed messing around with my computer, Little Bitty came in got up here and wanted me to play music vedio of her song she likes Roar by Katy Perry. She likes the music and loves the animals and that she brushes their teeth and paints their nails. That is her to a T, she would do it if she could and not think twice about it. I turned it on for her and she stood up on my bed and started dancing. I looked over in the mirror and noticed the window behind me. The blind was open. I have the big blinds that have the wide slats not the little cheap ones you get for $10 or less at wal mart or a dollar store that are in most rentals. These are the fake wood I guess they call them where the slats are about as wide as your hand. Well the one in my room I picked up at a rummage sale. I got it up and found it was broke. You can’t open it the sting has been pulled out or cut off. I left it up because I needed something until I got something else. Here we are years later it is still there. It isn’t a problem because I never ever open blinds not even in the rest of the house. It helps keep the house cooler, I don’t like the gliar on the tv and my little ones run around in their underwear most times and I am in whatever gown or long shirt. I don’t even look out that blind because there are tresses in the way when you look out there. Night or day I get up go look out the bathroom window.

Anyway I turned and looked and it’s so high up on the blind I would have to be on my knees on the bed to even try and look out it. Il would be over my head if I stood up by the bed even. I know it wasn’t open before I left. I had the kids go around and check all the windows in the house and make sure they were locked and all the door were locked before we got ready to go to bed. I think they heard something and looked out to see if someone came up. My friend said she wonders if they were in here when I came home to get the money and go to the bathroom. Maybe went into one of the kids bedrooms because their doors are closed and I didn’t even go in there to see if anyone was in there. I didn’t think they were because the dog didn’t act funny I think she would have.

I am just so aggervated that this is happening and now they are getting so bold to make sure that I knew they were here. I just want to know how they knew where I was and how long I was going to be gone because today was way out of norm for me. Well I guess not way out of norm but still not like it is often or set up I go every week on this day or that. Randomly for different things I go. Sometimes the day sometimes field trips sometimes just because and it isn’t all day just part of the day. If I am not at school I am here or I am in and out and around past the house all day. But I did think of something else tonight too when talking to my friend. Lately we have been coming home and I have been getting on the kids for going to my bathroom and leaving the toilet run before we leave and leaving my room open. They keep saying I didn’t do it we weren’t in there. I keep saying one of you must have. I would’t even let them use it a couple days and got onto them for sneaking and using it because I come home find it running. Now I am wondering if it isn’t whoever was in there today. That would be one thing I would notice. I am so bad about it I am always checking it, I will come back to the bedroom and check it if I think of it. With what happen with the washer those few times and it sitting there dumping and dumping water tons at a time running the water bill up. I have been supper careful about the toilet because I know others said theirs had problems and it cost them a lot. I don’t have money to pay for water to just be flushed. I need to fix it but the guts in the tank need replaced I don’t have the money to get new one. When I do I forget. I am really starting to think it was whoever this was today not the kids. I am just wondering why the bold I was here I want to make sure you know it without a shadow of a doubt that I was here moves all of a sudden when I hadn’t thought anything had been going on for a while now. I have not had a lot of problems since I moved in this house just a few random times it was mostly the smoking in the house. Today was just different but I think it is the same person. I probably won’t sleep for days or be up at every little sound. Oh and I find it funny this happen with in days of the dogs getting up every night at 3 am having a fit about something outside. They use to always come between 2 and 4 mostly 2 and 3 but sometimes as late as 4 in the past. It’s also funny that the 16 my friend Wanda and her boyfriend was here and we were talking about someone messing around and how way back when the police sent us a letter advising us to move because they could not catch the person and they were worried about our safety. I am starting to think that things I think nothing off or pass of as one of the kids doing maybe I shouldn’t have and that maybe I have let my guard down because we have been doing good for so long. I just don’t know what to do. I keep saying I am going to get a camrea but then he stops paying and I don’t have the money and every time I don’t get it something happens I wish I had. I looked around there is a good set for around $250/$300 but now I need a wireless set because I have no one to put them in so I have to put them up myself and it has to be as easy as possible because I don’t think I can run a bunch of wire around. It would take a lot of wire and splicing and things. I am going to see what I can figure out.

I found out about a job I can probably walk in and get I hope to apply tomorrow if not then Monday after school. I will tell you more about that later because my shoulders and things are starting to hurt from the way I am sitting here and I have some things I need to do before it gets later. But it will be a little bit before I can save the money to get them. But late is better than never maybe.

{February 17, 2017}   Poor Little Guinea Pigs

Our younger dog found Bubbles and Dory tonight in the bathroom. I was in my room laying on the bed and didn’t know they were out of the cage. I heard something in the bathroom like the little house thing moving around and it kept happening. I thought what are they doing they sure are playing tonight, I heard it again and something said look. This has been going on for a few minutes now so I look and see the dog in the shower pawing at things and then I hear the pigs start whistling and making noises. I jumped up and ran in there and tried to grab her but before I could she had one in her mouth. I grabbed her and she put it down she was trying to get away and get to them more. I had to force her out of the tub and the kids had to make her go to the other room so they could close the door.

Poor little Bubbles even after she put her down she ran and hid behind something and nothing was close to her she kept whistling and was so upset. Dory just ran in the little house and was watching what was going on. I don’t think she ever made a sound. I picked up bubbles and made sure she was okay and calmed her down, then Dory came out and started looking to see what was going on I noticed she was a little wet too so I guess she had gotten her one point too or licked her good at least.

I don’t think she wants to hurt them at all like I as worried she would want to do or try to do. I think she truly wants to play with them. When she picked it up she didn’t bit it or anything like that it didn’t have any marks or anything. It was like she was just trying to keep it from getting away and trying to get it to play with her and not run. She wasn’t really trying to hit it like she was trying to hurt it again more like she was trying to move the house to get them to come out or run and play rather than hiding in or behind something.

I feel bad for the poor little things because they were just starting to come out and come over to where you were when you came in the room. Dory would run up to the side and sit and look at you and run around and play or eat why you were there. Bubbles is a little more scared still but Dory was even going in the house and pushing her to go out and things like that, she was starting to come out and get a little closer than normal too but not as trusting as Dory. I hope this don’t scare them and make them start hiding in their little house again.

I finally got them out of my shower tonight after that happen. I thought of the top we made for the sandbox when they got crabs, we took it and sat it on the frame I built. It isn’t big enough it sits down in there and don’t go to all the edges but it gives them plenty of room for now and will work for the time being. I wanted the out of the shower so the dogs couldn’t get to them again because now they will be trying to every time they are out of the cage now that she knows they are here. She is in my room now crying at me wanting me to let her out of my room because she knows where they are now and she wants in there to them. I need to have better sides on the cage as well before I can let her go in there too. I was going to finish it today and can’t find the wire that is supposed to be here.

I am just happy that they are ok and the dog didn’t try to kill them. We already have a problem with one of theirs eye I don’t need the dog hurting it too. I am going to have to call the pet store tomorrow and see what they say about it. I hope it is fine it hasn’t been around anything to hurt it unless it poked it on the hay or something but I wouldn’t think so.

{October 10, 2016}   A True Sign From Above

As I said in my last post we left because of the storm and because we were worried about a tree going through the house. We didn’t get back until after 9 pm Saturday and had no power. I took a flashlight and walked down the street and looked around my house to see if there was any other damage I had not heard about. I seen something laying in the yard but did not go into the yard where it was to see what it was. It was over by my bedroom window and by the trees. The yard gets mushy and I didn’t want to get around the tree and have a lizard or snake get on me. I forgot about it until the next afternoon when I want to start the grill. I walked over to see what it was and this is what I found.

signI was surprised when I seen what it was. I have no idea what language it is in or anything else but I don’t think what it says is as important as the picture.  When I seen it I just felt this calm and peace come over me and something in my head said your supposed to be here, your supposed to stay here like you planed. I just had this feeling that nothing happen to the house because this is where we are supposed to stay here until I finish school and we move out of state like I planed.

Before the storm I posted about the kids wanting to move, they said can we please move and wanted to just go somewhere pick a place and stay instead of coming back. Then my mom was saying we all could just get a big truck put our stuff in it and go find a place and stay together until we all could get our own places. I said I would stay here from now on before I would do that but had been considering what the kids were saying about moving now and just staying somewhere. I know I really need to finish school before I go. I can most likely finish still if I moved but I think I need to do it here it be easier. I think if I move I will get detracted and just go back to work and forget school. I really don’t want to do that. But I was thinking about moving and trying it. Now I am not even thinking about moving or having to move. I think this place will be ours as long as we need it and as long as we are supposed to have it. We will know when the time is right and make a plan from there.

{June 5, 2016}   Safe Because We Have Kids

The other day father of the year was here and I had one of those Starvucks coffee in the bottles. Well I flipped it up like a bat and was swinging it like a bat shaking it up. He said something out of the way his normal being an ass self then tried to play it off as a joke. He turns around and seen me swinging the bottle. I said I’m just shaking my drink if you turned around and got hit it be your own fault. You would have to walk into it your out of reach.

This is when he tells me he is afraid or worried about me doing away with him or doing something to him because we have kids. I was like what? He said yeah you wouldn’t because we have them. Then he pauses for a minute and said now if we didn’t have them I be scared.

All I could do was laugh. First thought I had was he is right. If I did away with him and ended up in jail, who would take care of them. My 2nd thought was if we didn’t have kids it be easy to get away from you without doing away with you. My 3 rd thought was I am not going to jail I never last there I can’t just keep my mouth shut, I don’t take orders and if I was to go it sure wouldn’t be over him. Not because the kids wouldn’t have a dad like I’m sure he was thinking. They would probably be better off without him in the picture playing daddy when he feels like it.

{January 18, 2016}   Made It To Work

I made it to work today and no one said anything. My boss didn’t get there until two hours after me and she never said anything when she came in. Sitting there with the headphones on started making my head and face hurt. I hold them and move them around as much as I could but I didn’t want them to say anything for not being on the phone so I mostly had to keep them on. I keep myself in call back and training most the day because I just didn’t feel good and couldn’t concentrate on what I was doing. I was in ready for part of the day I got a call. I swear I felt so lost and know the lady was getting aggravated with me I had to ask her the same thing a few times. I couldn’t help her with what she wanted anyway because they had her enrolled in two plans and she wanted to know what the difference in them were and why she couldn’t have the cheaper of the two. The one she was telling me it was listed as I do not have a plan under that to sell her so I told her she would need to talk to billing tomorrow. They were closed today for Martin Luther King Day. She insisted on being transferred because she just talked to someone from there. So I gave her the number and transferred her. At that point I knew I did not want to deal with anyone else and when I was looking around half the center was up wondering around chit chatting or sitting on red doing something else so I decided that until I was told what I was supposed to be doing I was going to stay off the phone. Because when it came down to it no one had told me what I should be doing at all. Some of our team was doing call backs, some roll playing and others just taking calls. They all had been given stuff to do the last few days that I hadn’t been there.

I took my fifteen on time in the morning then took my lunch an hour early since we can take them whenever right now. I went out to the truck and laid down for about twenty five minutes then went back in and clocked in. I felt better for a little while but it didn’t last long having to put the headphones back on my head.

In a little bit my boss came around and I asked her about when they would let the rest of us know what we would be on and if they were going to get rid of me because I missed all this time the last couple weeks. She said no not to worry about it. I told her I had two notes where I been to the doctor and what they gave me and how much and she was floored. She said it had to be really bad. I said it was and I feel a lot better but I am hurting. She said why don’t you stay until you have your daycare paid for the day and then go home. I said I don’t have to worry about that they are with their dad because they are all sick too so he had to stay home with them. She said oh then if you want you can go and just stay late and make it up. I asked her if I wanted to take off tomorrow and have her put me in for Saturday instead if it was going to look bad or make a difference and she said no. She said just go today and if you don’t come in tomorrow and call the leave line I will put you in for Saturday. She asked what time Saturday I wanted to work. I told her to just put me in at my normal eight to four thirty if she had to do that. When I left I told her I was going to try to make it in tomorrow but if I didn’t to go ahead and put me in for Saturday because I have no other chose but to work at that point pain or not pain. I knew I had the kids this evening and I couldn’t take anything for the pain when I got off at normal time and got home it would just get worse. I told her I wanted to come home take something for the pain give it time to work and sleep a little since it knocks me out before I had to get them at my normal time I get off.

I was surprised father of the year didn’t split and go to work this morning and not stay with the kids but he didn’t. He said he called the guy and told him that all the kids were sick and that I had been really sick and missed all this time already at work I couldn’t miss more. That he had to stay home with them because the sitter couldn’t watch them sick. Said the guy said he understood that was out of his control that he would see him Wednesday. At least he didn’t lose it but if he had there isn’t anything I could do about it. I can’t lose my job when I am the only one who pays stuff and he has no interest in taking care of the kids.

I was dissapointed but not all that surprised when I got to work, training for what I wanted to work on started today. So I didn’t get that. But I really can’t say I’m surprised most everyone who got on it were people who had been on the phones a lot longer than we have been. One guy from our team got on it but that was it. There was another guy from our team who I guess wanted on it and he wasn’t happy he wan’t. The guy who did get on said everyone but one person showed up for training and he didn’t think they were going to keep them on it. The guy who wanted on was asking the trainer if there was a chance he could get that spot. She told him she would check and see. I am kind of glad I didn’t get it because I am so sick and things but I just hope I get qa if on one of the other jobs and not back on the phone. I guess I will find out tomorrow or Wednesday when I go back.

My team lead also told me when I was talking to her about the time I missed and things that they are letting them say who goes and who stays. She said there are 3 on our team. Then said well 4 I’m sure you know who the three are and probably the 4th. I said oh yeah S, B, P and J. She said yeah. They are ones who come in late if they come in at all and who only work a couple hours and then leave and are hardly ever on the phone if they are there. J is on the phone and dose what she is supposed to do but she just hardly ever shows up, she shows up a couple days out of the week every week if she shows up at all. I figure she is the maybe. I figure she is getting rid of the other three off the top as soon as she can then if they tell her she has to get rid of one more she will be the one to go. But she is thinking she may keep her if she don’t have to get rid of that extra person. We lost another one Friday who left to do another job and then one who is just waiting for them to tell her it is her last day. She is just waiting to get her bounce for being hired and her bounce for staying the project out or until they tell her she is done with the project.

She also said they are looking more at who was there for the major time of this job and was on time didn’t miss to many days and things like that. So mostly the month of December that I was on the floor and I think I only missed one day that wasn’t planed and I had a note for it.

et cetera
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