I hope that Father of the Year is having himself a grand time living it up with his whore. Because why he is I am here trying to comfort my Big Guy Mr.6 through his anxiety attacks. He has been extra sensitive and tonight went into full blown attack. I don’t know if you remember back when my dad passed a few years ago we dealt with this. Well he been doing really good the last year, I hadn’t even thought about them. Between the dog and Father of the Year they are back and maybe worse than before. It really sucks because I don’t know what to do for him.

They are doing a deep cleaning of their room because they have let it get way out of hand thinking that someone else would come in there and clean it for them if they just didn’t do it long enough. Not happening I been telling them for to long to do it now it’s getting deep cleaned. Well he had a pair of old shoes that are wore out really laying there and the guine pigs dumped stuff all over them. I told them in passing to throw them away. Not worth trying to save and keep or give anyone. He has new Star wars shoes, I don’t even know the last time he wore them. Soon as I said it he went into full blown attack, no, no, please don’t get rid of them I have to keep them on his knees begging me to keep them not to get rid of them. I finally told him I would buy him a new pair of he would please just get rid of those they were really yucky. To that he agreed because then he will have them to help him remember them and to have.

For him it is about remembering things and being close to things. He is a very hands on touching hugging loving on you kid. When he gets this way he can’t get rid of anything because he don’t want to forget it, so if he has it then he won’t forget it. When it was my dad it was easier to explain and help him than it is with this. With grandpa he was upset he hadn’t called him or wrote him a letter like he thought he would and we didn’t get to go see him. We explained that where grandpa was he couldn’t write letters or call and that grandpa didn’t want to leave him that he was really sick and the sickness wouldn’t go away and he died that he would much rather be here with him but he didn’t get to pick. We explained that grandpa wasn’t sick anymore and he felt good and we should be happy about that for grandpa. Because we wouldn’t want grandpa here just so he could be with us if he was sick and hurting and thing. Once we explained it to him and we talked about it he got a lot better. Like I said he wasn’t having them anymore.

But now how do you explain to a 6 year old that their daddy choose to not have anything to do with him? How do you explain that and make it okay? You can’t it is’t okay and there is no way to make it okay. It’s just not something that is going to ever be okay. He knows his daddy is choosing not to have anything to do with him. He knows that he could call and don’t, he knows he could come see him and don’t. He knows that he choose to change his phone number and not give it to use so we can’t call him when he wants to. They didn’t often but there were times they would call him for different things. He has a field trip coming up next week and kindergarten graduation coming up next week, I am sure he wants to tell him all about it and for him to come but he can’t. I can’t take my truck and go so I was going to borrow his to go with him now I can’t even go with him, I don’t even have the money now i had to use it for other things we needed. I let something else go to be able to pay for his trip so he could go. The big kids school paid for their trip I came up with enough money to pay for a small lunch for them.

I do not know what to do for him or how to help him, I know telling him I would get another pair of shoes wasn’t the right thing to do. But what was I supposed to do for him after all that he has been through and going through? I couldn’t sit there and watch him cry his eyes out like he was and beg on the floor. I know it isn’t over the shoes at all but he is holding on to all that he can he feels so lost and out of control I am sure. I am worried because next week is the last week we see their therapist that they go to. She is moving out of state, they will still see her through telehealth but I know that isn’t going to be the same for Big Guy. I hope it don’t make things worse for him.

I am so mad at Father of the Year right now over this more than any of it I think. Knowing how he is and knowing he already had problems with this in the past he cares about nothing but himself and sex. Because that is what it all boils down to. From what I can tell they are still sleeping in the truck and staying in the truck. Not sure if I said this the other day or not. But she is not on line all day so I am guessing he didn’t get her a phone, I am not sure if he got himself one or not. I think they are still staying in the car because she gets on line about the time he would be going into work and she is on all night until the time he gets off. It isn’t like he leaves for work and she gets on or he gets home from work and she gets off. Its with in minutes of when he should be in the lot at work she is on and with in minutes of the time he would be leaving work she is off and she is off at break time and then right back on soon as he goes back in. If they had a place or even a motel room she would be on more because they have wifi.

I just want to find them, they are lucky I don’t have extra money to spend right now. My friend keeps telling me to let it be there is a time and place and theirs will come around. But I am so angry about what he is doing to my kids. All that I have put up from him over the years to not do something like this to them, all the things he has done to me and I still bend over backwards to let him be in their life and let them have him around, and he goes and pulls some shit like this, it is done it is over it will come around.

{May 6, 2017}   So Hard Being

The bigger person right now. I see on Father of the Years post everyone telling him how great it is he found someone, how happy they are for him, he deserves love, and on and on it goes. Lot of them friends from the church that we got married in and my older two kids grew up in. The church that never once did anyone reach out to me or my kids when we split up and got divorced to say how are you or the kids but swarmed him and poor, poor him, and it will be okay it will get better blah blah.

I just want to make a post saying how this all went down, how much I helped her, how much food I bought her when she had none all the time, how I take her to the hospital when she was sick, sit with her at the hospital, visit her in the hospital, take her to places to get food, opened my home to her to let her move in with my and my children, was going to help her get her ssi, help her get the doctors and things she needed, give her a free place to stay. How knowing all this him and her went behind my back and had planed this for about 6 or 8 weeks that we know of now. How they been talking and planing this how they were together and knew they were going to do all this but let me make plans to go to school and work thinking that she was going to be here this Summer to help with the kids and things. How she came here and he been over here I feed the two of them and them knowing that I needed money for food for the house and that rent bills were coming up and he told me he was going to help take care of things and then they ran off and left just like that and gave me nothing he said he was going to. Left me in a jam of not having a sitter again to work, not being able to go to school because I had to work to pay for school, not having the money to put food in the house without taking from money for bills. How he has cut off all contact with the kids and I, that if something happen to one of them right now I could not get a hold of him to tell him that anything was wrong or that they needed anything. How he had over a grand in his pocket when they left knew the kids needed things, knew that I had spent my money all the months he didn’t pay me to make up the slack on his side. Don’t care and left them like that anyway. How between what he had last week and this week he should have about two grand or more and still has not paid his support for the week much less any of the back support. He is not on my page so he would not see it but we have a lot of the same friends and I could tag the kids in it and he would see it on their page and a lot of these that are talking about how happy they are for him could see it. I could use my oldest page and just put it on there and tag him in it but I figure he would then block her I don’t want him to do that.

Then I think about how that would look? But at the same time he does all this and acts like Mr. Wonderful and Father of the Year and everyone falls for it. He is nothing but a scumbag lowlife mother fucker. Who leaves his kids to just get by and don’t care. How he has let his kids he cares so much about be homeless two times almost three now, how he never would pay the bills until they were off or going off. How he don’t see them or do anything with them, if they need something or want something it is to much to ask him for. How it is to much to even ask him to take a day and spend at school with them and help out. How he started screaming at me he wasn’t on drugs and using drugs when I have never said anything to him about drugs or being on drugs. How he feels its okay to rape someone if you are with them, how he feels that what he wants is all that matters. What anyone else wants or needs don’t matter. I just want to spill it all and put it out there for everyone to know and see once and for all. How all the dirty shit he does and has done I have said nothing about to most, how why everyone sits back and looks at me as the bitch and the one that causes all the problems and I have taken all these years no this is why things are the way they are and have been, no this is what he is doing now and how it came about and how he is still doing his kids, this is why I treat him the way I treat him, this is why I say the things I do to him, this is why I don’t care anything about him, this is why it don’t bother me one bit to say or do or treat him any what way, this is why i could careless if i got a call right now saying he dropped dead. Because he is nothing and does nothing but make life harder for his kids and me the one taking care of them and doing it all. The one who every time I start to get ahead and get in a better position for them and me he does something to knock us back down he cares about them so much.

It has taken everything in me to not just write it up and put it out there for him and all his friends and family to see. But I keep saying be the bigger person and don’t stoop to their level, don’t let them drag you down. But it is getting harder and harder, I keep thinking fuck the bigger person, fuck stooping to their level, it isn’t stooping to their level when it is the truth and it’s letting everyone know the truth and what is really going on not letting everyone be snowed. Fuck what anyone thinks, just do it and get it out there and let it go. Who cares have your say if they were standing there you would and wouldn’t care who was around to hear. You never do shit like that so you do once what is it going to hurt? I am really starting to think I may do it. I keep trying to talk myself out of it tell myself I am better than that, I am above that, I know the truth it is all that matters but it isn’t working.

{May 1, 2017}   Blocked

The scumbag and whore are still at it. I sent him a message telling him that I needed him to give me the money he was supposed to give me and he ignored it. I told him he is supposed to update me and the court with new number and address. I told him if he didn’t come and make sure the kids had what they needed I would be going to courts this week to have his support upped since he don’t take them and since he is paying on half the rate of pay he is really making. I sent him a picture of a harness thing I found outside and ask him what it was and what it was for. I figured it was for work and he was going to need it for work. I didn’t want to get rid of it and have that come back on me for selling their property. I figured I would give it to him if he wanted to give me the money he owes me or tell his job they could send someone to get it. He seen all the messages he didn’t respond. He didn’t say anything about the harness either. I messaged him and said I guess it isn’t needed or important either so I can get rid of it too since you are not answering. Still nothing. I have no way of contacting him what so ever if something was to happen to one of the kids and I needed to, he knows this and don’t care.

Saturday He posted on his page in a relationship with Wanda, I’m in love. Everyone was telling him how happy they were for him how much he deserves it and things. Mostly people from our old church and guys he use to work with. I started to post something telling how the whore was supposed to have been my best friend and moved in my house while sneaking around behind my back and not bothering to give his kids the money he owes them or taking care of them why he spends it on her. But I didn’t, I just left it alone. yesterday I tried to look at something on his page and send him a message and it said I was not allowed to see his stuff and that he was not available when I tried to message him. His phone is off because he didn’t pay it. But I think that he got a new one to start with because he had it turned off but not off like he didn’t pay it. Now it is off because he dint’ pay it. But I am sure the way he is he is not walking around with no phone and they are both on and off line all the time and neither one has a computer.

He posted a picture of the two of them looking fucked up I don’t know if they are drunk or high me and my baby. It took him two tries to even get it all up and it was on two different post so he was something because he knows how to post stuff.

I talked to her ex yesterday and he said she was wanting to come get her id still because she never did the other night. He said he told her to get it and that he stopped her mail. She got mad and wanted to know why and said he didn’t think that he needed to do that so soon. He told her she had moved the 21st and she had long enough. She said that she hadn’t even had time to find a place to stay and things. He told her to go to the post office and pick it up until she did. He told her again if she didn’t get her stuff by the 6th it was going in the trash. She wanted to pick up the cat, but not the rest of her stuff. I said where is she going to take the cat if she has no place? He said the same thing.
He told me that she told someone else they were a couple counties over yesterday just to get a way from everything here and clear their heads. I said isn’t that nice out spending money he says he don’t have why he leaves everyone here hanging. I said funny that is where they picked to go to “get away”. Right where they went was where I packed me and the kids up and went a few months after my dad passed away. No one knew we were going or that we went until we were back. He was mad wanted to know why no one told him or invited him? He didn’t even live in my house nothing and thought we should just invite him along. He says stuff about it all the time when it comes up he had just brought up the other week and what we did and where we went why we were up there. When he ask why we went I told him just that we went to get away from everything have a break we been through enough and sitting in the house wasn’t helping.

She also told him she was now known as the biggest bitch and everyone was mad at her and hated her. They were saying this had been going on for months and it wasn’t it just happened and it just happened with in the last few days. I said tell her that the biggest bitch wasn’t what he had heard and that was putting it nicely from what he had heard.

I say she is a whore I don’t just say it because of what she just did I say it because she is. Her brother and everyone says it. She will tell you oh I will do this or that for pack of smokes I slept with my ex’s friends because I was pissed at him. Oh my ex I just left all his friends I have slept with them but most of them were before we got together. Hell her ex now had a few guys come up and talking about being with her and she don’t even remember. She told me about being with my cousin and not even knowing his name until after when she asked him. She has those three kids has no idea who any of their dads are and just left them with whoever claimed them or she was married to at the time and left. It’s unreal how someone can do such a thing.

I knew she had a past but she seemed to have settled down not be doing that anymore and wanting to and trying to get her life straight. We just hit it off and became friends and like best friends after a while. Then she decided she wanted to get out of where she was because of the way things were and her health it just wasn’t making it any better. I trusted her and figured if she wanted to come here we could help each other out and it be great for all of us. She get to work get a car and things. I could go to school, work and do what I needed to do and not have to worry about my kids and who was or wasn’t taking care of them. Boy was I wrong.

{December 24, 2016}   Dog Breeding

Tonight I get home from church and before I get out of the truck my phone is ringing, it was my friend that has the gift that was supposed to be brought over. I figured she was calling saying that the guys were going to be heading over soon to get the kids in or asking what time I would have the kids in bed. Boy was I surprised when I answered and she started talking.

She said Little Bitty’s dad R.C had just called her. She said he called her through facebook and she didn’t answer. Then he called her right back and she answered it. Said he wanted to know if she could get a hold of the people that has one of the puppy’s that we had when we were together. He breed his dog with his friends dog and wants to breed his new dog with the puppy. We had three dogs we didn’t keep any of them they were for his friend and we got stuck with a few to find a home for because things didn’t go as his friend had planed.

She told him she didn’t know where the puppy was now. He told her all about his new dog and how he wanted to breed her. Told her he would pay a stud fee and drive the dog down here. She said he never once asked about Little Bitty or anything else. Just all about the dogs and said he was going to bed but to call him on facebook or he could send her his number. We said we should tell him to bring her on down and let their dog breed with it. I told her set it up and when he gets there I would be standing there with Little Bitty not the dog. See what his reaction is.

It was odd because like I told her I had just been thinking about him and my Little Bitty. I was thinking about the kids going tomorrow with Father of the Year and that Little Bitty would want to go. Do I let her or tell her no and keep her at home. She calls him dad I always say Father of the Year to her not dad and tell her Father of the Year not dad but she always want to go with dad and things. I was surprised his parents send her a gift card. But anyway I was thinking that if I did meet someone else how she would relate to them and things. The fact that she is going to be 4 in 4 months and I would say in the next year or so she is going to start asking questions about her dad. I was thinking I wish I had his number or that I would try to get his number and just let her call him up and be like hi dad so lets chat. I wondered what he would say and things.

So when I got the call and she says I been talking to your baby’s dad I could have fell over. Then she said he was going to send her his number I said good tell him to send it. Makes me sick he just acts like everything is fine or she isn’t even here. But I am sure he thinks about her and wonders about her and wants to know what is going on with her. He always talked about his two kids that didn’t live with us and where they were and things when we were together. I could tell it bothered him. I think he just drinks and does what he does to try and live with himself and what he has done.

I truly have to go and wrap these gifts now I just wanted to get this done before I forgot.

et cetera
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