I hope that Father of the Year is having himself a grand time living it up with his whore. Because why he is I am here trying to comfort my Big Guy Mr.6 through his anxiety attacks. He has been extra sensitive and tonight went into full blown attack. I don’t know if you remember back when my dad passed a few years ago we dealt with this. Well he been doing really good the last year, I hadn’t even thought about them. Between the dog and Father of the Year they are back and maybe worse than before. It really sucks because I don’t know what to do for him.

They are doing a deep cleaning of their room because they have let it get way out of hand thinking that someone else would come in there and clean it for them if they just didn’t do it long enough. Not happening I been telling them for to long to do it now it’s getting deep cleaned. Well he had a pair of old shoes that are wore out really laying there and the guine pigs dumped stuff all over them. I told them in passing to throw them away. Not worth trying to save and keep or give anyone. He has new Star wars shoes, I don’t even know the last time he wore them. Soon as I said it he went into full blown attack, no, no, please don’t get rid of them I have to keep them on his knees begging me to keep them not to get rid of them. I finally told him I would buy him a new pair of he would please just get rid of those they were really yucky. To that he agreed because then he will have them to help him remember them and to have.

For him it is about remembering things and being close to things. He is a very hands on touching hugging loving on you kid. When he gets this way he can’t get rid of anything because he don’t want to forget it, so if he has it then he won’t forget it. When it was my dad it was easier to explain and help him than it is with this. With grandpa he was upset he hadn’t called him or wrote him a letter like he thought he would and we didn’t get to go see him. We explained that where grandpa was he couldn’t write letters or call and that grandpa didn’t want to leave him that he was really sick and the sickness wouldn’t go away and he died that he would much rather be here with him but he didn’t get to pick. We explained that grandpa wasn’t sick anymore and he felt good and we should be happy about that for grandpa. Because we wouldn’t want grandpa here just so he could be with us if he was sick and hurting and thing. Once we explained it to him and we talked about it he got a lot better. Like I said he wasn’t having them anymore.

But now how do you explain to a 6 year old that their daddy choose to not have anything to do with him? How do you explain that and make it okay? You can’t it is’t okay and there is no way to make it okay. It’s just not something that is going to ever be okay. He knows his daddy is choosing not to have anything to do with him. He knows that he could call and don’t, he knows he could come see him and don’t. He knows that he choose to change his phone number and not give it to use so we can’t call him when he wants to. They didn’t often but there were times they would call him for different things. He has a field trip coming up next week and kindergarten graduation coming up next week, I am sure he wants to tell him all about it and for him to come but he can’t. I can’t take my truck and go so I was going to borrow his to go with him now I can’t even go with him, I don’t even have the money now i had to use it for other things we needed. I let something else go to be able to pay for his trip so he could go. The big kids school paid for their trip I came up with enough money to pay for a small lunch for them.

I do not know what to do for him or how to help him, I know telling him I would get another pair of shoes wasn’t the right thing to do. But what was I supposed to do for him after all that he has been through and going through? I couldn’t sit there and watch him cry his eyes out like he was and beg on the floor. I know it isn’t over the shoes at all but he is holding on to all that he can he feels so lost and out of control I am sure. I am worried because next week is the last week we see their therapist that they go to. She is moving out of state, they will still see her through telehealth but I know that isn’t going to be the same for Big Guy. I hope it don’t make things worse for him.

I am so mad at Father of the Year right now over this more than any of it I think. Knowing how he is and knowing he already had problems with this in the past he cares about nothing but himself and sex. Because that is what it all boils down to. From what I can tell they are still sleeping in the truck and staying in the truck. Not sure if I said this the other day or not. But she is not on line all day so I am guessing he didn’t get her a phone, I am not sure if he got himself one or not. I think they are still staying in the car because she gets on line about the time he would be going into work and she is on all night until the time he gets off. It isn’t like he leaves for work and she gets on or he gets home from work and she gets off. Its with in minutes of when he should be in the lot at work she is on and with in minutes of the time he would be leaving work she is off and she is off at break time and then right back on soon as he goes back in. If they had a place or even a motel room she would be on more because they have wifi.

I just want to find them, they are lucky I don’t have extra money to spend right now. My friend keeps telling me to let it be there is a time and place and theirs will come around. But I am so angry about what he is doing to my kids. All that I have put up from him over the years to not do something like this to them, all the things he has done to me and I still bend over backwards to let him be in their life and let them have him around, and he goes and pulls some shit like this, it is done it is over it will come around.

{February 3, 2014}   My Nightmare

Ok so I will give you all a laugh on me and tell you the nightmare I had last night. I dreamed we went to court and sat there until everyone else was done and gone even though we were supposed to be first. They had this big wedding right there in the court room. It was all I could do to keep from jumping up and yelling don’t do it in the middle of it. But I didn’t I behaved myself. They did some other stuff I can’t even remember it all but it was like a 3 ring circus in there. Then the judge comes over to where we were sitting at this table and says he can’t do anymore divorces for the day because he has to put these three little postal looking stamps on it and his little wet pad to wet them on had dried up and stopped working. I freaked out I was telling him just lick them give them to me I would lick them and stick them he wouldn’t have to. I was telling him to take the pad and wet it in the sink what ever he had to do just do it and make it happen. He kept saying we would just come back I told him I had come back I been waiting forever to get this done. I went off and was arguing with him telling him off and everything else.

Funny how the mind works even when we are sleeping and the things we will dream.

{February 2, 2014}   The Boy

Little boy all of maybe 6 running to catch the school bus. Trips on daddy’s cord to his game and unplug it. Daddy punches him in the stomach and knocks him down cursing because he should have known better than to disturb him or to mess up his game in the middle. Little boy gets up and goes to school.

Kids out shooting with their dad. He is going to teach them how to use a gun and teach his boy to be a “man”. The little boy watches and tries to do everything just right. He wants to make his dad proud of him. Steps up and fires so happy he did it right. All but one thing the kick knocks him down he wasn’t expecting it to be so hard against his small little body. Dad reaction isn’t is he alright or way to go you did great just try it this way next time to keep that from happening. No instead it is to start hitting and cursing the little boy telling him what he is and how he isn’t going to be a man or good enough. Just loses it and probably kind of forgets that anyone else is even around as he hits him repeatedly. Over and over again blow after blow name after name. Until the sister is on the ground whimpering in fear of her brother’s life and wanting him to stop. When he realises and gathers them to go home.

Father gets up kids are running around the house playing any given day. He decides he wants something out of his van decides to send the boy to get it. He wants to sit back and see what happens. He knows that in the van there is something waiting for him. It might be snakes or even a gator depends what he got into the night before.

But he is going to make that kid a man. He isn’t good for anything pretty stupid and a sissy he won’t ever be good for or at nothing.

One day some how he ends up at grandma and grandpa’s house and everything is so great. It isn’t much but the fighting and the cursing and the beatings stop. It all stops just like that. The little boy and his sister and brother live a normal life for a while until mom decides to come and get them again.

And again they go back to the hell they call their life. But still moms always drunk or drugged never comes home or stays out til all hours of the night why the kids fin for their self and each other. Mom decides to take the kids out for a ride even though she has drunk. That’s when you die and you have to be brought back. You wake up in pretty bad shape your head laid open from front to almost back. Your face all a mess and unable to use your mouth like you once could. Your sister she is pretty messed up too. They say you were found threw out of the car down a bank hanging in trees with branches stuck all in you. Once you heal your unable to smile until your grandma who says enough is enough and takes you in for good takes out of her pocket and pays for the 9 operations so you can smile again. Things aren’t all sunshine and roses and life still isn’t the best but no more getting knocked around or cursed and called names.

Little boy now becoming a man with dreams of following in the footsteps of the real men who were influences in his life. Wants nothing more than to finish school and become a pilot in the air force. Dreams of doing something with his life getting out of where he is where he has come from and to be a man and show his dad he was wrong. When just weeks or months before High School Graduation the news comes in like a bomb crashing through his dreams and plans. The past wasn’t as far behind him as he thought. You see the accident he thought he only had scars to show for left him also having silent or absent seizures. You can’t be a pilot it’s too much of a risk.

The words from the past come flooding back you’re nothing you’re not good enough you’re a wuss you’re not a man. You will never do anything in life you’ll never have anything or go anywhere in life. Suddenly to him it was all true hopes dreams plans all ripped away in the blink of the eye. What else was there to do why go on when he was right all along? What was the point he wasn’t going to be a pilot why finish school so he didn’t go back.

Now as an adult much older not the disappointed hurt high school kid it’s still hard to function and feel good enough. The words always in the back of his mind haunting him taunting him. Anytime something comes up he wants or anytime he messes up. They are never far behind to tell him why he isn’t good enough that it won’t work that he can’t he don’t deserve it. There always making him second guess himself and wonder. There to keep him down and from being good enough or doing better in his mind. When the truth is he is good enough and he can do it if he would just believe in himself a little, surround himself with people who want to see him grow and build him up instead of tearing him down. And if he would believe them when they tell him and take the help and things they offer. Because he deserves it all.

Just as the ones who made him feel this way deserve a lot that I am sure they have coming to them. Theirs may have not come around yet but it will because one day it is going to be their turn to need someone to care about them and be there for them. The ones who should aren’t going to be there and they are going to have no one to blame but themselves.

This is how the horrible cycle starts and keeps going because if one isn’t strong enough to overcome it they can’t bring their family from it. So you have the parents who walk away from their kids and don’t take care of them and the ones who hurt them or tear them down because most likely that is all they know and they weren’t strong enough to make that change and bring their family away from it. Show them different and care more. If these people don’t see it in their self and someone can’t help them and make them see it will continue to be this way.

parents really need to think of the effect the things they do or say are going to impact their children and their childrens children some day.

parents really need to think of the effect the things they do or say are going to impact their children and their childrens children some day.

{January 1, 2014}   Confession # 2

The last person on your mind before you close your eyes at night is either the reason for your happiness or pain.

Ironic they can be the reason for your happiness and your pain all at the same time. I still think about RC all the time. Really how couldn’t I when I look at my peanut everyday. She reminds me of him and her brothers. To me she looks just like them. Everyone says she looks like me but I see them through and through. Their eye and mouth and the looks she gives. Most of my friends and family only seen him a few times some of them none when we were together. We didn’t go around my family a lot. They always had father of the year around and thought I was wrong for leaving him and didn’t want to give RC a chance. I don’t see or talk to my family much any way so it wasn’t anything new really.

Anyhow I have to say he made me happier than I had been in years when we were together. And even though I wasn’t ready for her I am so thrilled and happy with my baby girl and love watching her and the kids together. He gave me one of the greatest things ever in her.


He has also been a big cause of my pain and hurt since everything has happen. He has made me feel hurt, depressed empty, sad mad and stupid. Really stupid for still caring about him and still loving him. Stupid for thinking about him and wondering how he is doing and if he is ok. Stupid for wanting to talk to him. I don’t know why I don’t know what I would say. Stupid for wondering how he feels and if he ever thinks of me and her. If he ever wishes he was back here instead of there.

I feel stupidest for feeling and wondering all that, after all that he did and has done and is doing by not being here for our baby girl and our family that we had. For what our daughter is going to go through growing up with out knowing her dad. For all that she is and going to miss out on with him. I wonder when I look at her hold her and play with her if he ever thinks about her and how it is will and could effect her in life. I wonder if he dose if he even cares. When I think about it all it makes me mad all that he has done but I still can’t stop thinking about him.


I know it isn’t all him I know a lot of it has to do with how low he is feeling about himself and the things he has done. The situation he has let her put him in the hold the addiction and depression have on him.

I know to another reason I think about it so much is because, I went a few months ago to the court house and got paperwork for paternity custody and support. I think I may have said that in another post not sure. So it makes me wonder how he is going to be when he gets served with the papers. Plus the fact that I have to find him so I have a address to have him served and I need to know where he is working so that I can show that he is for the support. Plus it would probably be better to have him served at work so that she don’t get the papers and do something with them or try to say that he don’t live there. Because if I can’t find him they won’t do nothing until we figure out where he is. it really sucks. 

So that is my confession I am still in love with RC even after all the shit he has done. Yes I know it is stupid but we really have no control over our feelings. Like I tell father of the year you can’t just turn them on and off like a light switch they are what they are.


{December 11, 2013}   All Makes Since Now

I have been talking to my friend J more the last few weeks. I hadn’t talk to her much we talked here and there but not a lot. I met her and her husband through RC they were friends of his. She has contacted me a few times off and on the last year on Facebook and her husband offered to let me stay with them when I was pregnant. She asked me the other day if I could give her a ride to have a procedure done. She wasn’t allowed to drive after. Then another day we went some places. We got to talking about RC and the way he was. She said that he drank a lot when they met him. She said he was always drunk. That they had tried to talk to him about it and things but he just kept doing it.

I was kind of surprised because he hardly drank at all when we were together. He would have one to two at night when he came home and most the time he never even finished the second one. He would dump it out. I would have a drink here and there. We went out a few times and we both drank but he still didn’t really drink that much. I only ever seen him with even a good buzz once. He was never drunk. My one friend said before I was drinking a lot when I was with him. But I really wasn’t. Her a lot is different than most peoples I would say because she don’t drink. Maybe once or twice a year. So a drink a few times a week or a drink a night is a lot to her.

But with RC I think what happen was he had a problem with the pills and he was trying to get away from it so he started drinking. A lot of times that is what people will do they will do one to get a way from the other and vise versa. So that they can keep something in their systems. I think he wanted a way from the pills so he started drinking and it got out of hand. Then he started going to church and things with the kids and in laws so he probably started trying to not drink so much. Then we got together and I don’t drink like that all the time. So he was trying to keep it to just one or two an evening. I was ok with that he wasn’t sitting there getting drunk every night he wasn’t taking money out of the house.

Well then before I moved he was sitting on the step at my house. HIs little boy came running up behind him to grab him and hug him from behind. Well he hit him harder than he expected to and his knee caught him right in the back. Well he did something to his back he hurt him pretty bad. He got to where he was having a hard time when he got up in the morning and things. He went and got a relaxer and pain pill from his mom a few times. I knew it he didn’t try to hide it from me. But I don’t know how many he was getting when he went down there. I know what I found in the drew when I left was a lot. I don’t know if he was really getting them from his mom or someone else around there even at this point. I didn’t watch him or go with him. I didn’t speak to his mom we didn’t talk the whole time I was there. She stopped talking to me before I moved in and I didn’t try to find out why. I hadn’t done nothing if that is how she wanted to be then I was fine with that. I didn’t have time to be bothered with her.

I think when all that happen he got hooked back on the pills then we were talking about his daughter and I encouraged him look for her find her. So he did. Her mom is the same shape he is in and maybe worse because I know her boyfriend was a coke addict. Im sorry her husband. You don’t just stay with someone who dose that and not have some kind of problem yourself.

I think he got hooked back on the pills and was afraid to tell me and was probably trying to figure out what to do how to tell me. I think he was afraid that I wouldn’t have that around our kids and I would say oh no and leave. I think that when he found her and she was the same way it was easier to get out and go be with her who was the same way than to tell me and risk me leaving. I think it was get out before he got hurt if i left. I believe he really did love me I believe he really did want our family and the baby but he was so afraid that I was going to be so upset and mad that I would take my kids and the baby and leave. When really if he had just come to me told me everything I would have stayed if he was willing to get help and get off of them.

{September 9, 2013}   You Know What Gets Me

My mom just really gets on my nerves. She never has anything good to say about anything. The other day we were sitting there talking and my daughter was talking about wanting to be a vet. She has wanted to be a vet forever now. I think it is great that she wants to be a vet. She is telling me and my grandma and mom about this and when she gets older. She is telling us how she is going to be a vet and a dog trainer and that she is going to have this big house and all the different rooms in it. She tells us she wants to have 10 kids and that she isn’t going to have a husband. She says she is going to adopt kids she don’t want kids of her own. Again I see nothing wrong with not wanting to have kids of your own and wanting to adopt. There are plenty of kids out there who need a family and home who she can make very happy. I always wanted kids but I also would love to adopt and or do foster care in the future. I know I am done having kids of my own I always wanted 4 and I have my 4.

My mom starts telling her how vets don’t make that much money she won’t make anything being a vet. Tells her she needs to be a investor or broker and things. I said yeah they don’t make much either the way things are today. She says yes they do blah blah blah. I don’t even know because I stopped listening to her she was so nasty about it. I said she wants to be a vet she should be a vet. She should do something she likes doing and enjoys doing she is going to be the one who has to do it every day for most of of her life. I said she could probably be a vet by the time she was 25 at least maybe 21 or so. I am not sure how much schooling a vet has to have. She was like your crazy and you should tell her to be something else and how you think she could do it by then. I said she can come out of high school with a 2 year collage degree if she keeps up like she is with her grades and things. Then she argued with me that no she can’t and they stopped that. Mind you she has no kids in school and hasn’t had in many many years. I have kids in school deal with them all the time and have friends with kids in high school and kids who are finishing and doing it. I told my daughter not to listen to anyone and to do what she wants to do be it a vet or something else.

My grandma and grandpa split up a few months ago. My grandma left because of things that have been going on for many years and she is just done she can’t do it anymore. I don’t blame her and I really am surprised that they have been together as long as they have and that they didn’t split up along time ago. My grandma has always had some kind of dog up until about a year ago. Something happen hers got sick or something they had to do surgery and she didn’t make it out of it. She hadn’t gotten another one yet. Something was said about it the other day and my mom started I thought you said you didn’t want a dog again and that isn’t what you told me. Just went on and on about it even after my grandma said she didn’t. But I know she does you could tell and my grandma got all upset. My grandma has always taken care of her dogs took them to the vets feeds them bath them walks them and things. I don’t think she should get a huge dog but I think she needs a little dog to keep her company and give her something to do. She don’t drive so she don’t go out a lot and things. I couldn’t really say anything because my grandma needs someone to stay with her but she don’t really need someone to take care of her. She just has to have someone to give her her meds and things like that. She is able to cook clean and take care of herself. Just things that have happen and she don’t want to be by herself. So there really isn’t any reason she couldn’t have a dog. If something happen to my grandma and she didn’t want to keep it then she could find it a new home. I am not able to live with her I have the 4 kids I know she loves them and likes being around them but it is a lot for her every day and we just don’t have a place near big enough.

She is in my house staying with me until she can find something or I end up putting her out if she keeps her shit up. I am not going to be disrespected in my house. I won’t put her out but I am about to tell her about it and if she wants to leave that’s fine. The other day her and my daughter come off with this my daughter is going to come live with her and my grandmother when they get a place. I said no your not you are staying right here. Well why and I can go over there and she can take me to school and all this. Now for days she keeps telling me how she wants to go live with granny and when she goes to live with granny. I told her she wasn’t living with no one but me or her dad and it was probably going to be me because her dad can’t keep her with the job he has. But what kind of shit is that. She said something joking about the boys going with her they told her no they were staying with me.

I want to move a way to another state other than where I am now. But first I need to get some things taken care of here and get some money to go. She keeps asking me and saying how they want to move. I told her the other night you have all this money right now to get a place and things why not take it and go why you can. She says I want to but I can’t and leave yall here I won’t ever get to see the kids. We have talked about moving a way a lot in the past and planed to go at tax time or shortly after. I want to stay until May when school gets out. She says you always wait for school to get out then you have your money spent and don’t go. Um no not happened the first time. Every year I get my money and she has some reason she can’t go. I haven’t decided where I want to go so I haven’t went yet. But because she hasn’t done it she blames it on me. It does no good to say anything because she just pitches a fit and tells you how your lieing and all this.

She was asking me again the last few days if I really wanted to go somewhere and stuff. I told her yeah and she was saying we should save all our money between now and the first and take my check the first and go. I told her I have stuff here I have to pay and things to take care of. I told her I also was not going and moving in with ex somewhere again. That once I move this time where ever I go or don’t go I am not moving with him. Well I don’t know what you think your going to do then and you can’t pay the bills here on your own and all this. I told her I am going this week probably to see what papers I need to get my divorce final and to get them fill them out and turn them in. Well I don’t know why you are going to do that and then when you leave here it is going to make it harder I don’t know what all she said then either. I have gotten so good at blocking her out I just do it before I even notice. I have to ask her what she said sometimes when I am trying to see what she is saying. What was I going to do then and what was I accomplishing by doing that. Like I told her I want it done before I leave here because I don’t want to wait 3,4,6 months or even a year before I can file and get it when I get somewhere else. Well what do you plan to do when you do all that. i said I have to get someone to watch the kids and get a job. Good luck with that your not going to be able to afford it and pay the bills here on your own. She said something about all of us moving together somewhere and getting a house til I could get a job and get a place and they could help me watch the kids. How the hell dose she think she is going to watch my kids so I can work when she can’t watch them for me to go out for 30 minutes or a hour or two now. I get up in the mornings leave my house 5 minutes to 7 take the kids to the bus stop and go pick up the girl I watch from her house. I am home before 8. The baby will be in her bed sleeping and 99.99% of the time will stay that way until I get home or after. But I can’t leave her here. I have to wake her up get her ready and take her with me because she might wake up why I am gone. God for bid she might have to change a diaper and give her a bottle. She goes back to sleep. The other weekend when I went out she called her self going to watch her. My grandma and ex ended up doing it. But she can watch them why I work. yeah right.

And telling me you won’t get child support they stopped that and all this. She has no clue how any of that works either it has been 20 some years since she got a divorce from my dad and 10 or more since her and my step dad got divorced. Again she listens to someone else because their kid has done it and it didn’t go the way she wanted because she didn’t get a lawyer and didn’t bother to try to do it her self to get what she wanted. I can’t get a lawyer but I can research it and figure out what I have to do to get it how it needs to be.Plus I already filled out all my paper work and put everything I wanted in them and they approved it last year. I would have gotten everything the way I wanted it if ex hadn’t started ask questions. She keeps telling me I won’t get support and they are going to make us do shared custody and things.

Number 1 my son does not want to live with his dad and won’t do shared custody. With the autism it isn’t good for him to be shuffled back and forth like that. And with the things ex has done that he don’t know I know about and with my son telling his therapist ex don’t have much of a leg to stand on to get full or shared custody. .. Number 2 the way ex’s job is now he can get a call pretty much anytime 24/7 5 out of 7 days a week. He has no one to stay with the kids at the drop of a hat all hours of the day and night so he can run out to a call. He can’t be getting them up all hours of the night to take them somewhere if he did have. He has X time to get to his call he don’t have time to get them up get them ready and drop them off or to wait for someone to come over to sit with them. Three he don’t want them all the time he has told me and everyone else time and time again they are better off with me and where they need to be.

She seen the other day where I was looking up child support enforcement on my phone. I went to go talk to them twice now and can’t find the freaken place. The first time I went to their office waited for them to open and got up to the door to find out they had moved. The other day I went 40 miles or more a way from home to where they moved to and it is a closed down building that is for sale. But the 800 number keeps saying they are open at that address and that they can’t give me a number to call someone at that office direct to talk to them and figure out what is going on. I got to go back down there this week see if I can find it. She started about why I was doing that and how I shouldn’t be doing it and I should just let him go and not try to get anything from him. Again how they are going to make me let him take her and things. Again she knows nothing about him has only ever met him once or twice wasn’t very friendly to him then and that is it. She don’t know nothing that is going on or has went on but going to tell me what is going to happen and what they are going to do and why I shouldn’t think he should have to help take care of the baby. He hasn’t this far and where are we 5 months after I have had her still struggling to have the things she needs can’t have a place of our own and stuff. He owes her that money. He isn’t going to be able to take her with his past history I already talked to a lawyer. He isn’t going to get shared custody because she is to little and they told me it is not good for her to be a way from me for days at a time this little they have told him the same thing. We had to take a class when we went to get our divorce and we took it together. Plus the rumor still is that he is in Tenn. Even if he is here when I go for child support they tell them they don’t do custody or visitation if he wants that he has to take me to court to get it. He won’t waste the time and money to do it he don’t have the money to either. And he knows she should not be in that house and around his girlfriend. That is why he hasn’t been around more to see her now. She won’t let him try to see her because that means I will be in the picture and she don’t want that because she knows how things are between them most the time and what she went and done behind my back. I just told her I had to get help for a little bit and that because I did I have to go after him. I am going on my own because he needs to help take care of her. He wanted this baby and now that he changed his mind it is a little to late.

But it is just stuff like that she does that is just to me over stepping her bounds. And when your telling her you already been here or there or done it checked into it talk to someone or whatever and she has no clue and still going to tell you how it is and how your wrong. I don’t understand how people can be like that. But I am over it already it gets old real fast and I am about to tell her about it.

{August 12, 2013}   The Rumor Is

That RC got rid of everything even his dog and took every body back to Tenn when they moved out of the house the middle of July. (You can read about that here Just For Documentation Really). My friend that helped me move when everything happen there and who let me and the kids stay with them for a bit when we ended up homeless over it all called and told me today. She said that someone told her husband or his sister that they talked to him and he told them that. Her husband is the one that got him the job at the shop right before we split up so that we could have more money coming in and be able to get a bigger place for us and the kids. His sister works there. She said one of the tow drivers talked to him.

He may very well be I really don’t know but I really have my doubts that he is. He was very adamit that he did not want to go back up there with her and he wanted to stay here. That if she wanted to go back there to be with her family and ex and this guy she was talking to up there she could.

They are all on facebook her, her 3 daughters, mom, and him. I can’t see his page but I can see the rest of their pages and no where has any of them said anything about them being back up there. They were talking all over about them being down here how much they missed each other and everything else. I think that if they were back up there they would be talking about it and how happy they were to be home how happy they are to be back to gather and things.  No one has said anything in almost a month. Crazy (his girlfriend) changed where she lived from the city they lived in when he first brought them here to where they were in the house. She had never changed it. He still has his listed as where he moved to and brought her down here to after we split up. I can see that much on his page.

I also seen on her page her complaining that she was just ready to give up and that nothing she did or said was ever right. He told her not to and that he was sorry things were the way they were and the bs was going one and she wasn’t the only one.

Later her mother commented and said she never had these problems until you showed up and then the kids started giving her all these problems and especially the next to oldest who he had been fighting with the last time I seen him. Seems like if they were back up there they wouldn’t be having so many problems because the kids would be home with all their family they would be happy. That is where they grew up all their life until a year ago. I can see them being mad and upset. One minute they are living life as normal then the next after 9, 4, and 14 years they are just snatched a way from all their family and older sister and drug 100’s of miles a way to live in one of the worse parts of town and go to school in some of the worse schools around. And in a area that it is hard enough for the kids around here to fit in with out getting picked on beat up and bullied. Them with their accents and country selves stick out like a sore thumb and I am sure went through hell.

They had just moved when he got in touch with them hadn’t even finished unpacking yet had to turn around and pack up what they had room for and move again and leave what they didn’t have room for. Since they been here they are now on their 3rd place be it here or there. So In a year they have moved 4 times all together. I don’t blame them for being mad for not wanting to be here and not happy about moving all over. Ad the fact that they fight like hell between the two of them all the time and then him and the older girl fight too. I am sure they are having a grand old time.

I had told her the other day I was going to call him up and talk to him. At least try to any way and see what all he had to say. I don’t know why I am or what I am going to say but I just feel I am supposed to. Something keeps pushing me too. Another thing is as of the 26th of last month he had the same phone number. I think if he moved he would have changed it. When I was going to call him I started having the kids at the time I was going to do it so I haven’t yet. I figured I would do it this Wednesday when they get back in school. That is if he hasn’t changed his number by now. She may have made him get a new one even if they didn’t move. The 26th was his birthday and I texted him a picture of the baby. I had called him before that and he answered why they tried to tell me before it wasn’t his number they didn’t know who he was. I had also text him after that and before his birthday but when I do I get no reply. We figure because they want me to think it isn’t his number. But if I call out of the blue like I have a few times he always answers just like I am sure he will this time if it is still his number this and he didn’t change it.

My friend seems to think he is keeping his number and they aren’t saying anything online or anywhere because they don’t want me to know where he is. That is just stupid because he knows I have ways of finding out where he is in just a few minutes if I really want to. And it seems he would want me to know he is up there so that I won’t expect him to come around and figure I won’t be able to get support if I decided I wanted to so I wouldn’t even try.

If I get a chance alone the next couple of days I am going to try and call him and talk to him. If I don’t I am going to call Wednesday for sure and see if I can’t get a hold of him.

{July 23, 2013}   Another Long Talk

The older two kids went to VBS Monday night so it was just me and ex home with the baby and my boy. Ex was acting funny I could tell he had something he wanted to say or talk to me about. I can just tell with him. I fianily asked him what he wanted to say or talk about. He said nothing at first. Then he told me he had been thinking about us and what happen and how he put work and everything before me and things we were supposed to do. He said he see’s now that even though he didn’t cheat on me with someone else it was like cheating because he was spending time he should have been spending with me working for other people or working because they needed extra help. He said that he seen how just because other people he knew went through worse things then us and stayed together that what is worse to one person may not be to another and that it isn’t about what he did it was about how it hurt me and how it made me feel. Then he wanted to still know if there was any way I would give him another chance and things. I told him no that there had been things done that should have never been done and that I can’t just forget about them even if I forgive. He wanted to know what I was talking about so I told him. It was very hard to talk about and I could tell he didn’t take it very well. A few times he tried to make excuses. I just told him that he could say what he wanted but he knew what he was doing and he knew how I felt about it at the time and he didn’t care. That even if he really didn’t and really felt he hadn’t done nothing wrong intentional it was still done it still had a very large effect on me and that I could not take him back and give him any more chance.

Like I told him you spend 7/8 years with someone you build a relationship with them you build a bond and a trust that you have with no one else. This is the one person in your life that you should be able to go to with anything and everything no matter what. This is the one person who should be there and protect you you should never have to worry about them hurting you. And that when they do the things he did that it completely shatters that trust that bond that relationship that you can’t just move on pick up and move on or anything like that. I told him how what he did has effected me since splitting up and how it is always there and always on my mind. That I don’t know if I really ever want to have a relationship again between what he done and then what RC did on top of it. But mostly what I was dealing with that he had done. I don’t know that I want to ever let someone that close to be able to hurt me like that again. I don’t know if I could ever let someone in and that close again even if I wanted to.  I told him that’s why I flinch if he touches me. I’m not doing it I don’t even notice that I do it until he says something. That’s part of why I want out of here so bad and why I don’t want to be around him. I just have a very uneasy felling when I am around him. I am always on edge when around him anymore. It is a very hard feeling to explain

I told him if it was just the him and work thing I may have stayed longer and tried to work it out but with the other I could never do that again.

I would have posted this sooner but something is wrong with my net and I can only get on sometimes. Other times all I can get on  facebook. I did a lot of this from my phone but had to wait until I logged in to fix it and do everything before I posted it. This was last Monday evening 7/15/2013


{July 14, 2013}   Lets Talk Forgiveness

So me and ex went around and around again the other night over why we can’t just get back together and work things out. He says I haven’t forgiven him and that’s why. I have and am ok with not wanting to get back together. I know there was a few thing that were done that even if I forgive him they were done and it will always be there in the back of my mind. He says if I have truly forgiven him we should be able to find a point that we can start working and build upon and start our relationship over from here. I don’t feel that way at all.

I feel that you have to forgive someone if they have done something to you so that you yourself can have peace and move on. There are just some things that even if you forgive someone don’t make it alright or make you want to still be friends with them or whatever the case maybe.

Like I told him Joe down the street got mad at me and burnt my house down because I did something he didn’t like and he didn’t want me living next to him anymore. After a while I will have to forgive Joe for burning my house down so that I can move on and get pass that part of my life. But that don’t mean that I have to go back to being Joe’s friend. Or that if I forgive him and he decides he wants to be best friends later that I should be just because I forgave him for it.

He says that’s not the same I didn’t burn down your house. I said it is because your saying that it don’t matter what you done if I forgave you I should want to stay together. I am saying if Joe did something and that something being burn down my house should I be his best friend because now he changed his mind about me and wants to be my best friend? He didn’t know what to say then. He wanted to say no like anyone would but he knew if he did then that would just make my point.

He was going on how other couples have been through worse and got back together or stayed together and he didn’t see why we couldn’t like always. And how I act like he went out and cheated on me all the time and things. I said no I don’t I never said that but if you want to bring it up. If you had cheated on me you probably would have had a better chance of fixing things and us getting back together to start with and even now. You had a better chance of none of this ever happening and us just staying together and working things out. I said to me the things you done the way you treated me and the things you said to me over and over for a year or more is way worse than if you cheated on me. NO it isn’t he went off and started having a fit about how cheating is worse than what he did and I’m just a bitch and crazy if that’s how I felt and what I thought. How our divorce was my fault and he wasn’t taken the blame for it and he didn’t do anything wrong.

Then he is so stupid when I said something about the things that he had done and not being able to get back together. He says to me what about all the things you have done to me that I am supposed to forgive you for and get over? I said I’m not asking you to forgive me to like it approve of it or take me back so it really don’t matter. Besides if you can’t forgive forget and move past it how would we fix things any way if I wanted to? Again nothing silence. He you twist everything around and make it out to be something it isn’t. I said that was your words not mine. Well I am sure we can forgive and forget and move on and be back together if you weren’t being a bitch about it.

He just don’t get that what one would consider really bad and things someone else may not feel the same way about it just like anything else. Everyone has their own mind and own thoughts on what is considered to not be ok.

What are you all’s thoughts about it?


{July 10, 2013}   Just For Documentation Really

I don’t know what to call this post I don’t know how I even feel about it really. I am posting to keep track and have documentation of things in case I need it later on. I was supposed to pick the little girl I watch up bring all the kids back to the house get them ready and feed them then go pick my dad up to go to the meat market and things today. Well we came home and went back to sleep. She was tired and in a mood two of mine were passed out in the truck and I sleep maybe 2 hours last night. We didn’t get up until almost 11 we sleep like 2 hours. I wasn’t going to go today but decided to get it over with because I really needed to go to the meat market and I would spend more waiting. I picked him up and headed to the market well RC lives less than a quarter of a mile a way from my dad and I go right by there at times when I am up there depending on where we are going. So today happen to be one of the days we went by. I seen a bunch of stuff out by the trash like the house had been cleaned out. I seen a for rent sign but I thought it and the car I was seeing was in front of the house right before theirs. But still looked as if theirs was probably empty too and there were no cars in the drive. Not normal for them. After I dropped my dad off I drove back by to see and there was a rent sign in both yards. The car was still at the house next to what was theirs and the door was open on their house. I stopped I was going to ask them if they knew how to get a hold of them or what but I didn’t. I don’t know why I just didn’t. I figured someone would come out when I stopped but they didn’t I had the kids in the truck. I could have left them in and walked to the door but I didn’t really feel like it. I just left then when I got across town from it I thought about it and thought I should have gotten the phone number and just called and seen if I could have found out. I called my friend and told her she was kind of surprised. She was trying to figure out where they went if they had to move or decided to. They just moved there I can’t see them wanting to just up and move again. There wasn’t furniture and things out there just junk like you have when you move. She thinks they rented something else here or they wouldn’t have gotten a truck to move it back up north they really didn’t have anything worth getting a truck and taking that far. I know almost everything he had as far as beds for both rooms and kitchen table was from me and the other little bit of stuff he had wasn’t anything great either. Plus just thinking about it why I write this they have her car “her” truck and then a moving truck to get all the way back up north. They could get a car carrier to put it on but I don’t seem them doing that or having the money to get a truck and a carrier to go all that way. They would have been better off and a lot cheaper if they were going to go that far to get rid of the furniture and rented a trailer to pull behind the truck loaded it and the truck down with their personal stuff and went from there.

Just like not coming around all this time then move and not even call and say anything. He can never say I kept him a way from his daughter. He isn’t trying to keep in touch with her or want to know about her. I still have my days I go back and forth from being beyond pissed off to not caring to wishing I didn’t care anymore.

I just don’t see how you can come along and ruin so many KIDS lives and not think twice or have a care in the world about it. And I can’t see how you can let someone come along and ruin yours and your kids lives and seem not to have a care in the world about it or think twice about it and just act as if everything is ok. I know him and I know that when he really sits and thinks about it that it eats him up and that it really bothers him. But I don’t understand how you don’t try to get out of it and fix things. or why he hasn’t gotten to that point that he don’t. Everyone is different in how much they can take and tolerate and handle before they say enough is enough and decides to change. I just can’t believe it is taking him this long.

et cetera
%d bloggers like this: