Single___Parent___Life











{September 17, 2020}   Re: Screwed Up Big Time

I had told JW yesterday morning when I realized what had happen. I picked him up we went and got something to eat. Came home walked the dog and ate dinner. We started to talk and then had to stop to take care of something. We ended up going to bed kind of early. We laid down and I told him I screwed up. He asked what happen?

I said I screwed up. He ask what I done what was wrong? I told him earlier I did and he wanted to know what. I told him we would talk in person. I said we may have an issue. He said we why what is wrong babe? I told him the last couple nights when he was asking about what to do, I wasn’t thinking about what he was talking about at the moment.

He started he was sorry, he should of done more and got something and things.

I told him that wasn’t what I was saying. He tried to do something but that I just messed up. He said he was sorry again he should of did more. He said if he was meant to have another baby he would of had one by now. He would of had one with his ex because she had her iud taken out.

He really thinks it can’t happen. He can’t have any more kids because in the 8 or so years they were together they didn’t. I keep telling him maybe because of how she was and how things were. I don’t know why people think like this.

I told him everything being a mess and not tracking and things for so long that it was going to take a few months or so before it will be usable. He said yeah he knew and things. It wasn’t a big deal or what. He said he was going to have to get the bag of goodies and put in the night stand 😄.

I have to say it wasn’t what I expected. I don’t know what I expected but not him to be do it’s okay or not a big deal. I know, he knows, I didn’t do it on purpose or anything like that. Sadly I guess I am just so use to fighting over everything and being told how it’s my fault or what. I hope not but if ut is then it is. We will do what we have to do.

 



{September 16, 2020}   Screwed Up Big Time

I can not believe how badly I have screwed up and now have to tell JW as well. As you all know I stopped taking my birth control a few weeks ago after ending up in the hospital. I told JW at the tome what I found when I started researching it and the side effects. I found I had some of the more sever and uncommon ones. He agreed I shouldn’t take it anymore and we would figure something else out as he put it.

I didn’t forget I stopped taking it or what. I just wasn’t thinking about it. Twice lately he has told me he was about to cum said where or something like that. I just said okay or what. He always tells me sometimes I tell him not yet or something. So I didn’t think anything of it. I did the way he said it but for a split second and figured I miss understood what he said or he miss spoke. After that split second I forgot about it.

Last night was one of those nights. He finished before I was expecting him to. He asked what was wrong I told him he was just like oh sorry that was that. I wasn’t happy the way he acted.

I got up for a while after that, then tossed and turned all night. I just didn’t feel good. I was thinking about it this morning on the way to work. I went put my lunch up and was going back to my desk. What he said hit me and what he meant hit me like a ton of bricks. That made me feel even sicker. My stomach was already in knots. I was distracted all day and messed up at work and everything else thinking about it all. I just wanted to come home be with him sit down and talk. I did not want to be at work today. Had I not missed so much already I probably would of left.

He was asking me if he should pull out or not when he said he was going to cum and where he should. Since I stopped taking the pill. At the moment I wasn’t thinking of that. I had told him we had to be really careful because a lot of people get pregnant right away when they stop taking them and things. Here I messed up.

I don’t know if he thinks I am tracking monthly or what. Because that is what I was doing when we got together and have used for years now. I have started back but you have to track for a few months or so for it to get all the information and be right. Because I had not had my monthly but once why I was on the pills and being on them changes it all anyway since you can start it when you want. I haven’t been trying to track it myself because it is all messed up. I had one last month was about 7 or 8 days long and pretty bad. Then nothing for 12 days because I started the new week of pills. But then stopped them all together it started again for 4 days. It is going to take time to get back on a normal cycle again.

I can’t believe I wasn’t thinking about what he meant when he said it and told him oh it’s fine. One night I had gotten triggered and just wanted to be done. So he said he was ready i was like go ahead. Last night it just happen i was like your fine. I don’t know how he is going to react. But he can’t get to mad right. I mean he hasn’t asked if or what I am doing to keep anything from happening. Or question how do you know it’s okay. He was just going to pull out and that is no where near a sure thing. I hope everything is fine this is the last thing I need right now.



{September 3, 2020}   We Had A Talk

Finally had another talk with JW about a week ago about not being happy with sex still and nothing changing after our first talk. It was okay he wasn’t happy and on the defensive side. That really is understandable and to be expected.

We were laying in bed and he started and it wasn’t going well be finally stopped. He was going to go find the bottle of lube I told him not to bother. Of course he was wanting to know what was wrong and everything. I asked him if I could ask him something. He said yes was annoyed. I was trying to figure out how to ask make it sound right. He said something i said just forget it. He didn’t like that. Was asking what was wrong. I told him I wasn’t into it or enjoying it that I hardly do. He ask what was wrong. I told him I was trying to figure it out. He asked if it was from what happen in the past. I told him no he got all so it’s me? What are you trying to figure out? Why are trying to figure me out? Why haven’t you said something before now.

I said why would I you get all mad and act like I am attacking you. I said and you don’t listen and tell me story of your life you can never please me anyway.

He said when did I say that I haven’t said that to you. I said oh but yes you did the last time we were talking about this before work one morning. Instead of having a conversation you got all mad and attacked me. He just got quite. I said I’m not going to talk to you if your going to get all mad and attack me. I am not going to be done that way. I will just figure out how I am going to handle it and do. I said I am not mad at you, I am not attacking you, I’m not trying to fight. I just want to have a conversation about what is going on.

I said I’m not saying anything if your fault. I said I figure from thing’s you have said the way you do,talk and get defensive it’s because of how things were in your past. By this point I had ask him how sex was in the past for him. He said it was okay. I could tell by the way he said it he didn’t want to answer. He said with my last that is all it was about with her. It was okay I’m done hurry up get off me.

I said I can tell you are are always in such a rush or hurry. I told him I can tell he isn’t really into it that makes it hard for me. That I’m not ready and then to feel rushed makes it hard. That I don’t need to find lube I need him to not rush. I need him to slow down and really enjoy it not just do it to get off or because I want it.

He relaxed some and calmed down. He wasn’t as defensive. We talked for a bit. He really listened and gave feedback and input. I think he seen I really wasn’t trying to attack him or say he was wrong or what he was doing was wrong he was just wrong. That like with me he has dealt with things in the past that he has adapted to and he is just use to doing. He has to realize it and take steps to do things differently until it just because his new normal. I understand that and okay with that and know that it takes time. But he also has to be open to talking and know if I say hey I’ve notice this or that lately that I’m just trying to help. I think he will be more open to talking in the future.

Things have been so nice since we have talked. He seems to be enjoying things much more now. I feel like I can actually do something without feeling like I’m doing something wrong.

I hope thing’s keep going well. That we can keep having conversations without feeling attacked or getting defensive.



{June 6, 2020}   Another Horrible Thursday

Why does everything happen on Thursday? Maybe I should skip Thursday from now on.

Me and J.W had a talk finally. It wasn’t a good time but it just happen, I couldn’t really help it. I went over and was laying there. He was back and forth between being awake and a sleep. Normally I will sleep an hour or so once I get there. I just could not get comfortable I guess you could say. I just kept thinking about what is going on and a small conversation we had a few hours before. I finally got up went sat on the couch. I covered up with a sheet he had out there was sitting there doing stuff on my phone. I knew it wasn’t the right time to say something and I just couldn’t lay there next to him anymore and not.

He came out there wanted to know what was wrong. I said I was thinking or something. He wanted to know why I came out there. He got a little aggravated I didn’t say anything. Finally I said something. A lot was said it is hard to remember everything that was. It happen so fast we had to get to work and things. We left 30 minutes late even because I wasn’t leaving in the middle once it was started.

He said I was acting this way because we didn’t have sex in the morning? That he just wasn’t into it or had to get ready or what. I said no its we hardly at all and then maybe every 5th time I enjoy it kind of. Any other you jump up in the middle go on. Your done that’s it everyone is if not to bad.

He started no I don’t what do you mean stop in the middle? Then looks at me and says story of my life I can never please you. Wow that went through me. I said what really you can never please me? Fine don’t worry about it if that is how you feel. Maybe us isn’t a good idea after all if that is how you feel. I didn’t know I was so hard to please and keep happy.

No no that isn’t how I meant it. We been together what 5 or six months now I’m just not use to things they are different than what I am use to. I said so what is wrong if I am doing something wrong tell me. I had already ask him to start with if i did something or said something or if this was because of what I told him. He kept saying no nothing was wrong I hadn’t done anything he was happy with me. So I said what are you not use to? Because I didn’t know I was doing anything. He said the way you treat me. I’m not use to it. I said what do you mean I don’t treat you no way. How do I treat you? He said good, really good okay. I’m not use to it i have dealt with a drunk for the last 8 years who treated me like crap didn’t care about me. Sex was alright get off me leave me alone.

We kind of went in circles and I finally got up to leave. I didn’t want to be late he already was. We got to work he said have a good day, see you later. I said yeah a good day I guess so. He said again why you going to be that way? Nothings wrong. Something about sex in the morning. He said bye got out.

I messaged him said how out of this whole conversation do you get that what is wrong is you don’t want to have sex in the morning? And that there is nothing wrong?

How are you aggravated with me because I’m not happy? Then turn around and tell me story of your life you can never make me happy. Like I bitch or complain all the time.

He said he wasn’t aggregated then said wow you are going to be like that.

I said what you said it not me. One thing one thing ever I am unhappy say something about that is what you say to me.

I told him I feel like there is this huge hole in our relationship. That I am so happy with us otherwise. That I wasn’t trying to attack him or make him feel bad. I have never dealt with this before I am the best I can. I told him I love him care about him. Our relationship. That if I didn’t i wouldn’t of said anything I would of just walked away.

He finally replied and said he loves me and cares about me. How sorry he was for making me feel this way.

I told him

I know sometimes you can’t or things happen once we start. Like we talked about the other day. You say you don’t know or why what’s wrong. I feel like you think that is what I am upset about or mad about maybe why your so upset with me over the way I feel. But I promise you that isn’t the issue or why I am mad at all. I understand. That i just want to figure things out so we can both be happy.

Because he still never brought it up. But I also got the feeling that is what he thinks I am really upset about. It isn’t easy for him to talk about it.

He said he knew and he wanted to too. He told me again he loved me.

We talked a little more after work when I picked him up. We sat there on the couch talked about different things. That some. I was getting ready to go said something about making a vet appointment for the dog and a doctor’s appointment for Little Bitty.

He said yeah I need to find a doctor and something about getting his arm checked out. Then he said go get everything checked out. See what is going on. He pulled me over to him.

I got in the truck it was starting to rain. He said man I was so worried about you this morning after you dropped me off and left for work. He said it was raining bad. You were so upset. He said I was glad when you said you were at work.

I do think he is happy and that he really does care. I think this is just a hard subject to talk about for a lot of people and then him to have the other issue makes it worse. No one wants to hear there are issues.

I think I know where the story of my life can never please you or what thing came from. I thought of it later. His ex wife cheated on him. He came home from work sick and caught them. He worked over nights. Then he told me this last on cheated on him with other guys and women. Drank and was nasty on top of it. All his friends talk about how she is and was and why he stayed so long.

I don’t know what happen between him and the two of them other than that. He don’t talk about it. But i am guessing if they both cheated this is probably why. I don’t know what lead to that if they talked about there being an issue, fought about it or how it was handled. If it was maybe they just cheated. I could see the last one being nasty about it. I don’t know his ex wife to have any idea how or if it came up what was said or done. Before she cheated. I mean he in his 40 now its not easy to talk about i can imagine how it was with his ex in his 20 30 to have issues. I can see him getting defensive and bothered by it. I honestly didn’t think about them cheating on him and things. How things may have been handled in the past.

But i don’t want to cheat and I don’t want it to be an issue between us. This is why I brought it up. But I am sure it brought more than just us up. But I was surprised when he said he needed to go to the doctor and get everything checked out and taken care of. I think like he said I do treat him good and he knows I care about him. I am not just trying to fight or nit picking over things. Yesterday Friday when I was there before work we were laying there talking and things.  He said I want to make you happy in all areas of our relationship. Not just some. He was sorry about the last few days and things.

Like he said I think our situation right now makes things a little harder as well. I agree with that to a point. I think things changing will help but I don’t think it’s going to make it 100% better. I think it is going to be something we have to work at and it is going to be an on going conversation and work. But I think it is something he will be more open to. He see’s I do care and I’m not wanting to fight or just walk away. That I understand and care.

I feel a lot better since we talked.



{May 28, 2020}   Re:Dose He Really Care

We haven’t really talked but I got some answers this morning. I came in and laid down like I always do in the morning. We started messing around. But it didn’t really end up going any further than that. He was bothered by it and kept saying he was sorry. That he didn’t know what was wrong.

I ask him if it was something that just started and he said no. He said it always happens or had been for a while. Of course it was really bothering him he didn’t want to talk about it. Not a lot to talk about really I guess. I don’t blame him for being upset bothered by it. I didn’t know what to say to him. He kept saying sorry. I told him it was alright that I understand, it isn’t a big deal. He was saying it is he so sorry. I just told him I love him it really is okay, not to worry about it, I’m not going to go any where because of something like that. We would figure it out work through it together. He just smiled, hugged and kissed me told me he loved me.

It isn’t his fault and it is a medical problem I am sure. Now it is just a matter of how to help him and work through it. I think once we talk about why I wasn’t happy that will help both of us. I am not sure how much it will help him because there are a few factors that are at play with him one big one being medical. If we can’t work together and come out with something that makes us both happy then he may have to see a doctor. I do not know how open to that he is. I guess we will cross that bridge if we get there. I hope it don’t come to that. But if it dose it isn’t a big deal to me don’t bother me. He doing what he needs to do to be happy or what. Not a big deal.

See he only has one testicle. I forget if he said he was born that way or something wasn’t right they had to take it out when he was a baby. If he has always had a problem like he said I am betting that is why. He had a few times he had a little bit of an issue since we been together but not much and not enough to be an issue.

The reason I’m not happy was because I feel like he rushes when we have sex lately. It’s like no for play nothing. It is hard for me to be into it. I wondered if it was because he is worried if he don’t as soon as he ready we won’t be able to. If it was more of an issue than he wanted to say. I thought when I ask him if he enjoyed it and was happy or if something was wrong he maybe say something. When i said i wasn’t I figured when I said why it would come up. But he never asked why or wanted to know. So it didn’t come up.

I wanted him to tell me if he was having a problem vs. asking or what make him more worried about it. I am headed to pick him up in just a few. I am going to tell him I want to talk tonight about this morning and Monday. Get some things straight. Hope he opens up. Now i feel we can talk since I know for sure what is wrong. I don’t feel like I’m going to make him feel like I am mad or attacking him if that makes since.



{May 28, 2020}   Dose He Really Care?

Monday was a holiday and I spent half the day or so with J.W. I went over early and we slept for a while. As you know from my post Depression, Anxiety and Quarantine things have not been great in the bedroom (TMI sorry).  Well things didn’t go so well Monday I finally decided to say something to him. He could tell something was wrong he asked a few times.

I decided to ask him a few questions to try and figure out what was wrong or if something was wrong. If I had said or done something. It is hard not really knowing about that part of his past to much. To know if maybe something from there or just what is wrong.

He said everything was fine I came right out asked him about sex he said it was fine he was happy. He ask what was wrong again. I told him i wasn’t really happy or enjoying it. He told me not to feel that way and changed the subject.

This point I was hurt and a little mad. He wanted to go eat was telling me to get up and where did I want to go. I was just short with him and told him I really did not care. He comes back with I just wanted to have a nice day you. I said so did I. He said is this all because you think I don’t enjoy sex? Because I told you I do.

Now I was mad I already told him and I wasn’t yelling but I was loud and angry. I said well I’m not. He just looked at me for a minute and says I didn’t know I’m sorry blah blah. Where you want to go eat blah blah. I am just looking at him. At that point I just wanted to leave. But I got ready and we went to lunch. I figured maybe we would talk then or once we got back but nope nothing as if I never said anything at all.

I dropped him off and went home. I was upset and sick all evening/night over it. I was really thinking about having nothing to do with him any more at that point. But aside from this things really are good and I am so happy.

It was late but I finally messaged him after deciding what I wanted to say. I started off with

I don’t know what to say about this morning, honey. I feel like I should say sorry but I can’t say sorry for how I feel. But today has bothered me all night.

He says its okay I didn’t have to say sorry.

I told him how happy i am with our relationship how we laugh all the time and joke when we are together. And we do we are always laughing when we are together. That we are there for each other whatever happens to help the other out. How it is nice to have that.

He said yes he was glad to and loved it and was happy to help and wanted to anyway he could.

I told him but it’s also hard to be with someone you can’t talk to about things that are important or that are bothering you. You always ask what’s wrong or say somethings bothering me. Want to know what. I tell you we sort of talk about it or i say what i have to say and its on to something else. Anymore i feel like why say anything. Just leave it alone forget it. But i can’t do that. I can’t just stuff it forget it and slap on that pretend happy face until its forgotten or next time. Nor do i want to. Because when that happens it’s the be gaining to the end. I don’t want our relationship to end not over something like not being able to talk about things.

I told him how when I did say again I wasn’t happy how he blew me off and didn’t bother to ask why I wasn’t happy? Felt the way I did or even want to know anything how it made me feel. That I asked questions trying figure out if something was wrong or what. All I got was no nothings wrong I told you. I wanted to have a good day too. Sorry.

I told him how I felt how I feel don’t matter how I just wanted to go home instead of lunch. How yes I got quite because I didn’t know what else to do. I had already told him how I felt and got no where. What else was I supposed to do? Why else would I say anything? What was the point? That I did not want to fight I am so tired of fighting. I just wanted to talk and work it out. But that didn’t happen. That I felt like I am just here until something else comes along or he gets tired of me or finds someone else.

He say’s no he cares how I feel, he don’t want anyone else but me. Still no nothing about why we are having this conversation. Why I am not happy or anything yet. Still as if that was never said and the only thing wrong is that i am upset about the way he did.

So I said I want to tell the kids im excited and scared about it already. Then today just makes me second guess myself wonder if its a good idea. I don’t want that. Im dealing with myself and the past enough with out the added what ifs. I still don’t feel good been sick all evening over it.

All he says is don’t be scared I want to be with you and sorry you been sick.

I told him i know I have dealt with a lot in the past. I know somethings bother me that shouldn’t. But that I don’t say anything because I know it is me not him. That is why this bothers me so much now. Because i am not like a lot of people who are always questioning everything or upset about things that really aren’t a big deal or blow things up. That then this is how I am done when something is a real issue and I say something.

He just says don’t keep it in tell me when something is bothering you. I told him I know he is use to always fighting and things that I really don’t want to. I just want to talk work things out. That if I wanted to just fight I would of earlier. I told him I care how he feels and if something is wrong. That we just need to talk. He said okay babe we will talk some more. I’m sorry and I love you. That was it.

Here we are two days later not a word about what happen that day or why I am not happy or anything else at all. I don’t know how to feel. What to think or how to handle it. I feel that it has now been made clear to him 3 times. The ball is in his court. If he cares like he says then he needs to step up and say something.

Because as far as I’m concerned at this point we had one small but important issue that could of been worked out in 10 minutes of conversation. But now has lead to the issue of him blowing me off and now acts as if nothing happen. Not bringing it back up and the fact that when i am so very bothered by something and flat out say I am not happy he still has not once asked the simple question of why even. That just stands out to me more than anything.

If be said to me look I told you this is bothering me or look I am not happy. First thing I would want to know is why? It is as if it has not even crossed his mind. I wonder how is that not even occured to him even when I have said you didn’t even ask this, this or this. I know guys think different than us. I know it is not an easy subject for him to talk about. I also know that he had a medical issue or what before. I don’t know if that is part of the problem and he is scared to tell me because he is scared I will leave or say something. But I mean of it is a medical thing I 100% understand and really think that if he knew my issue why I am unhappy it could help with him some too. Again not knowing his past to well when it comes to this kind of things the people he been with or what makes it hard. But medical is not a big deal and an easy to deal with. What I unhappy with is an easy fix as well. But it has turned into all these issues.

I think why am i making excuses for him. But I’m not I am just trying to figure out why we have the first problem that started this whole thing. Then I wonder if this is just showing me that maybe this wasn’t a good idea to get with him it is his true colors coming out. Or has he just not worked through what he has been through with his ex and the effect it has had on him. Is he in denial of it all. Was it just to soon. I have talk to her own family that has told me how things were how they do not know how he stayed and put up with it so long. How much happier he was once he left and how happy he has been since we have been together and things. So I know a lot of what he told me was true. I was worried when we got together it hadn’t been that long how he was going to be going into another relationship.



I don’t know what is triggering everything but I feel like a mess. I am all over the place, but mostly just want to sleep and can’t sleep. I feel tired all the time. But then lay awake half the night or most of it. If I am not laying awake I am waking up every little bit. Everything is off with everything going on. I don’t know what to do with myself right now since I have went from 65 hours a week to 40. I should have a ton of time to do extra stuff but there is nothing to do because we are locked down and everything is closed. Highlight of the week is grocery shopping on the weekend.

Even with the extra hours I feel like I get no time to do anything that I want to do. Or I am to tired feeling to want to do it. I have no motivation to do anything. Then I stress about what I don’t get done that I should be or could be. I told JW I want to go back to 65 hours a week again I was happier. I knew what I was doing. How do you just switch your brain to working all the time to not being able to do hardly anything at all?

I am not getting to see JW near as much as I was before all this happen. I leave about 2 hours early for work and top at his place. I lay back down with him until he gets up and gets ready for work. Then we go to the little store and i drop him at work at 9 and from there I am at work by 915/930. I work until 630 most nights and pick him up on my way home at 7. If I need to go to the store or what I do but most nights I don’t. He most the time don’t get off until 715 or later anymore. They have been so slammed lately it is unreal. By the time he gets off we get to his house it is 730 or after. He has to take the dog for a walk as soon as he gets home so I just leave and go home most the time. Once in a while I will walk with him then leave. Then I am home for the night by 8. I spend it sitting in my room watching tv or messing around on my phone. Once in a while I will call him and talk to him for a while. Me, him and Little Bitty will laugh and joke around on the phone for a while then I go to sleep. Well try to.

I think a lot I am having trouble with too is the fact that me and JW are not getting time together other than mostly just pick him up drop him off to and from work. Friday and Saturday I don’t get to see him other than when I drop him off Friday morning because he gets off late. Before all this started I was going to see him a lot of time on Saturday night once I got done with the kids and doing things with them. I would give them dinner they would settle for the night I would go see him. Now I can’t do that right now.

It is getting to me that we are not getting that time together. I am not getting the down time I was getting before. I am not getting the us time that we were getting. We are hardly having sex and that is a huge problem for me as well. I know that probably sounds bad but it is true. It is not satisfying when we do, it hardly seem worth it. Most the time I just end up more frustrated and upset than if we had done nothing. It’s rushed and I can’t get into it or about the time I do I got to go or we got to get to work or something. He can tell something is wrong and ask what. I just tell him nothing. I don’t know what to say or how to explain it to him. I don’t want him to feel like it is his fault. I know a lot of it is the way I feel too that is causing me problems as well.

I want to tell him but I don’t want him to feel it is him or upset him. when it isn’t his fault. He knows that I am having a hard time with everything else he don’t know how big of a deal sex really is to me and how much it can and does help or how much it can make things worse. Is that weird? I know it isn’t and why but it seems weird to me too. It has always been a way for me to relax. When I am in a relationship my mood and things are a lot better. I am happier, feel a lot better and deal with things better. It isn’t just because I have help, it is the closeness, bond and them being there. The time we spend together at night after everything is done, the kids are in bed and we can just sit and talk about the day, life and make plans. Go to bed together and wake up together.

When I wasn’t in a relationship I would go see my “friend”. It wasn’t the best but it helped give me the release and boost I needed.

Even if it is rushed at least it helps me decompress. But lately I’m not even getting that out of it. Then he wants to know what is wrong. I just want things to be different and I don’t see things being any different than they are for a long time and that stresses me out even more. I Feel bad for feeling the way I do and worry about some of the thoughts I have had. Then feel bad about those.



{March 4, 2020}   Your Monthly Friend and Sex

Today let’s get up close and personal and talk about our monthly friend and sex. Because today I am not sure how to describe how I am feeling and not sure why I feel the way I do. Lets go back to Monday, I had court, I dressed nice for court, cotton pants nice shirt, you know the deal. Well wouldn’t you know my monthly friend was set to come Monday as well and she decided to come right on time. The last few months she has been either a few days early or a few days late but not on time. Either would of been fine this month, as early would mean I was through the worst part by court or late would of course mean I hadn’t started yet. But no she came knocking bright and early. Okay fine slap in the diaper and go. Not really but I use sanitary napkins because I have issues when I use tampons. Well with the pants I was wearing and the shirt it was awkward and I felt you could tell I was wearing one. I moved it foward a little bit more than normal but not enough it would make a difference since I was just going through my day. I have done it before no big deal.

Well after court and work that evening I went to JW’s house for a while like I always do. Went and laid on the bed for a while and was talking and watching tv. I was laying on my back most the time, I got home and went to the bathroom and notice I had a spot on my pants. Not huge but big enough. Because of the way I had done things. We were messaging and I just told him hey you may want to check your sheets, don’t think it it is bad but letting you know basically. He said oh little spot no big deal. It happens and that was that.

Catch up to yesterday, when it is that time of the month for me the first day is horrible. Heavy and I just feel blah and want to sleep. The 2nd day things slow way down and I am in the mood for sex all the time. That last days sometimes. Or it goes away and comes back about the time I am to ovulate. All normal how it all works. We were talking through out the day and somethings I say he don’t get I just have to spell it out or be blunt with him. I told him I was freak-en horny. We made some comments/jokes or what back and forth through the day. Last night I get there and we are laying on the bed I hate his couch and the whole time we are sitting in there the dog will not leave us alone. A lot of nights we go lay across the bed and talk watch tv or whatever.

After a while one thing led to another and we were making out a few times and he would stop. I thought at first because he knew it was that time of the month. Then before I knew it he was going further and doing more. That was fine with me, I asked him for a towel or to hand me the towel that he had there folded up with somethings by the bed. He looked funny grabbed it and gave it to me.

We went on, about the time we get started he says what’s the towel for or why the towel? I said it’s fine not a big deal or something like that. He said but why or something he kind of stopped was laying on me looking at me. I just looked at him like hello, he said something I said you know it’s that time of the moth. Oh my goodness the look I got, he looked like a little kid who’s balloon you just walked up and popped. He just stopped laid there looking. I said you knew, He said no he didn’t. I said I told you last night the sheets. He looked like oh no, he said I’m so sorry, I wasn’t even thinking about that I knew but wasn’t putting two and two together and thinking about it when you asked for the towel. I knew but I didn’t, wasn’t something I was thinking about. We talked I just kind of forgot it after that. He got up moved. We laid there a few and talked a little. It bothered him, I mean really straight up freaked him out.

I got up and got dressed and went home. He kept telling me how sorry he was and everything. I told him it was fine. Like I told him I don’t want him to do something he isn’t comfortable doing. He has stopped for me a few times it is what it is. It was just hard for me because I was wanting it so bad and then to be that close, started and just stop. But I wasn’t mad or upset with him.

I don’t kow how to explain the feeling that came over me when I said it was that time and he looked at me like he did. I felt like I did some horrible thing to him or something. I don’t know. Really unexplainable. His reaction really upset me and bothers me. Probably as much as me telling him why the towel bothered him.

I just wanted out of there and away from him. We didn’t have time really to talk about it get into it and he didn’t seem he wanted to. He kept saying he was sorry, not to be upset with him and things. He said he never done that. I told him I wasn’t mad or upset, it is what it is. He say’s he wants to sit down and talk. I told him I wanted to talk but just never seem like a good time and he didn’t seem he wanted to. He said we would.

I felt so bad, I wanted to cry almost. I felt I done something wrong, I felt rejected, I felt there was something horribly wrong with me. I felt like he was discussed with me. I felt like i put our relationship in jeopardy. I felt like he was looking at me like I lied or did something to him. It was just all these feelings at once.on top of the frustration of wanting sex and it just stopping like it did. I didn’t lie, I told him I had started Monday because I just didn’t feel good wasn’t in a good mood. I told him about the sheet and that I had cramps and bloated yesterday when we were talking. He asked how I was feeling. I can see how he said he wasn’t really thinking about the two and things. I probably wouldn’t of at first either. But now i don’t know where we go from here. It seems awkward being around him. I feel like I did something wrong or something is wrong with me still. I still feel bad how things happened. I feel this whole thing changed our relationship in a big way and it is this big elephant in the room now. How will things be once we get past it or talk through things?

It also really bothers me that it bothers him so much that he stopped. Not that he did last night but the thought that it is not something he is comfrable doing. Because it is something that like I said am very into and want then. It is not like its the first day and I’m bleeding heavy. Sometimes as much as I want it I will wait until the 3rd or 4th day because it is more than normal. Or I will think I’m done be fine for a day then the next it is back. There are times I will spot for a few days, how is he going to feel about that? If I’m just spotting i haven’t even said anything. Didn’t think it was a big deal but I don’t know now.

He had taken a shower before I got there when I left he took another one. I knew most he did. He had messaged me I was driving I messaged back it took awhile for him to answer. I ask him if he got something to eat and a shower? He said a shower yes. I said you were talking about eating earlier. Get something go get some sleep. He said he might he was laying there.

I don’t know because no one else at all that I have been with has had a problem with sex that time of the month. I knew some women won’t, like bff wants nothing to do with sex when it is that time. I knew some guys were freaked out by it but never dealt with it and i guess didn’t think I would be dealing with it in this way if it ever did come up.

What are your feelings on the subject? Okay with it? Freaked out by the idea? How does your partner feel about it?

I told him I wanted to go to the beach tonight. Maybe we can sit and talk.



{February 19, 2020}   Figured Something’s Out

After I finally told him Monday night what happen, why I am disconnecting, shutting down and having a hard time all really started to make since. Two and two went together all of a sudden. I knew when I was with my friend I was doing it to a point but didn’t really think much of it or worry about it. It wasn’t causing any issues. But with Jw things are different. I want that connection, closeness, and bond that should be there between couples. Not something that just feels like a hook up or what.

Before I get into the things I figured out let me go back to before things happened the way they did with father of the year. So that things make a little more since.

I was a little shy and embarrassed the first times or so. I wouldn’t be undressed in front of whoever I was with, I would get undressed and cover up if the lights were on or it was lit up in the room. I would wait until it was dark and get undressed. Then I would get dressed once they went to the other room or grab my stuff and go to the bathroom.

That was short lived thankfully, because it just hit me one day. You can get undressed and have sex with them and your good enough for that but scared what they might think or say if they see you naked? What since does that make? Your fine with your body and the way you look. If they have a problem with that then why are you doing anything more with them? So then after that I didn’t really think anything of it after that.

With that said I have always been very open to trying new things, exploring, and vocal. I say let’s try this, do this or don’t do this, I don’t like that, let’s try this instead. Talk dirty to each other just what we felt like doing or was comfortable doing. Sometimes that might just be moan. But I never thought twice about it or felt funny or worried about what the person I was with was going to say, do or think about it. Nor did I ever think anything of what they did or said. We were both just enjoying it. We be together or sometimes in our own little worlds or zones but still aware of what the other was doing or what. If that makes since.

Then with father of the year and his I’m his wife and its my place blah, blah bullshit things changed. Each time I became more and more distant, disconnected and shut down. The only things I could do to keep from crying through it all and to keep from feeling it or being a part of it or involved is more what I am looking for.

Ì noticed with Jw if I am laying on my back he is on top of me and holding himself up on his arms or legs it bothers me. I will tell him lay down relax, get comfortable. He won’t. He says he don’t want to put all his weight on me, he don’t want to hurt me. I tell him it os fine he isn’t going to hurt me. Honestly it feels good to me. It is comforting to me. I wasn’t sure why really. I just knew it bothered me for him to be over me like that but felt good if he laid down. Even if we are just laying there talking he will do that talk to me, kiss me or what playing around. It bothers me.

But thinking about it and everything that has went on it hit me. Father of The Year would get up over me and be like that when he would get mad and I was telling him no. So that i couldn’t move or what. When Jw does that I guess it triggers those memories. That is why I start to with draw or shut down.

But when or if he lays down and relaxes, it is comforting and a grounding type thing for me. I feel safe or that everything is okay. I don’t have to be on edge or expecting the worse I guess. I haven’t said anything to Jw about it yet. I haven’t said anything about anything that I have thought of or figured out yet. It’s been something we haven’t talked about and skirted around since we talked that night. There just hasn’t been a right time or good time the last few nights.

Something else I figured out was that I’m not vocal in anyway anymore really. We joke and laugh about being a “starfish” or what but that is how I feel. I stopped being vocal when all that was going on then when I was with my friend all those years there was almost always people around or coming and going and kids around so we were always pretty quiet then.

Now I start to be and I catch myself and stop myself. I think, is that okay to do? Is he going to say something? Get mad? Does he like that or will he? Is he just going to say I shouldn’t be doing that?

In my head I am telling myself it is fine not to worry about it. He isn’t going to think anything of it and probably like it. Of course now I’m all in my head instead of into what is going on and get all worried about that and it snowballs from there. Then I find myself thinking I wish he just finish already because now I’m not into it and now am I messing things up for him. On and on.

He likes different ways and things and will say lets try this or do this. I have no problem with that but then I feel self conscious if something happens or if I feel I’m not doing what I should be. Even though there isn’t always something to do.

If something happens or it seems he isn’t enjoying it or what I feel like I have done something wrong or not doing something I should be. I will ask him sometimes what je wants me to do or wants to do. I will do it. But lately i have noticed I am having a lot of pain with different things we have tried. I think it is a combination of a few things. The time of the month the fact my uterus is tilted and the fact I am having a hard time relaxing and just enjoying it.

He said the other night he is still nervous to a point as well and not real sure about things either. Because of the normal someone knew getting to know them and what they like or are okay with and just really learning each other and forming that bond or what ever you want to call it. I told him I in the same situation but also dealing with this on top of it. Again he just kept saying he understands not to worry about it, we can take our time, take things slow, figure out how to work through it. That it don’t change anything between us or how he feels. He still wants us. This isn’t going to run him off or scare him away. That he is sorry if he has done anything. I just keep telling him no because he hasn’t it’s me not him.

After thinking about it all and realizing the things I have. I figured out my biggest problem is not getting into it and stopping myself or holding myself back. I want to get into it and enjoy it like I use to. That bothers me the most and I feel that I need to get through first. The other things are things that if I am into it and have that connection aren’t really a problem.

When I was with RC, I didn’t have the same kind of problems. With him the main problem I had was just being all into it and then all of a sudden just shut down and not be able to do anything. Even though I wanted to. Other than that I didn’t have any problem when we were doing things.

But I’m really not sure how to handle it or what to do in order to work through it. I have even thought about trying to go back to counseling but I just don’t know how that is going to work because I don’t have insurance and haven’t had time to now when I wanted to.



{February 19, 2020}   Finally Had To Tell Him

As you know the other week I was going to go talk to Jw after work and tell him how damaged I am. All the shit I have been through and things that have happened to me. Because surely if he found out that one thing he wouldn’t stay and then I would know. I would know I was wasting my time like I did on all the rest. I would know he was lying and just saying what he felt I wanted to hear. I wouldn’t be wasting my time anymore or stressing over all the extra stuff since he came in the picture. But as you can read in my post damaged he was pretty sick and I wasn’t going to talk to him about all that at the time. I felt bad for him because he was miserable and I knew he wouldn’t be listening anyway. I couldn’t blame him.

Well early last week things ended up going a little further than expected one night and we have been together a few times since. The first night he was really nervous, in turn made me nervous. Mostly just again wondering if we were doing the right thing us being together over all. How it just seems odd or not real. He was in his last relationship for 8 years he said it been a while since he been with someone new or another women. It made it hard for me to get into at first but after a little bit we both relaxed.

The next time was alright but I had a hard time. It wasn’t really anything to do with him. More me and I couldn’t figure out why or what was bothering me so much.

Last night was horrible, I was into it and wanted to and then everything started happening. I just started shutting down and fighting disconnecting. We ended up just stopping. He could tell something was really bothering me and that something was wrong. He kept asking and saying he was sorry asking if he done something. I told him no that it wasn’t him it was me. We just laid there with him holding me, finally I just told him. I did not know what to say

I just told him it has been about 8 years or more since I was in a relationship but that I had a friend in that time. That being with someone in that way isn’t the same as being with someone in a relationship for me anyway.

That when I was with my ex husband before we got divorced things happened. That because of that I tend to disconnect and shut down. That I haven’t been in a relationship to know how things were going to go or work through it. I don’t know what is really wrong even but figured some things out.

He just pulled me close and didn’t really say anything. He was just quiet for a bit. He started to say something and stopped. I said I know you probably don’t know what to say, I don’t want you to say anything or looking for you to. He said I don’t know what to say. He said it’s alright you didn’t tell me sooner. He said it don’t change how I feel about you, or how I look at you. He said we will work through it. I still love you and I’m not going anywhere. I’m glad you told me and want to help you. We will figure out things together and I told you anytime you need or want to talk I am here.



et cetera
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