So like I said in my other post Bff and J’s hubby think this guy I met Saturday is just great and such a nice guy. I am just looking for something to be wrong with him or an excuse. I keep telling them no there is something about him. Like I said I can’t decide if he is just full of shit or what. They are all give him a chance this and that. I said let me get to know him I don’t know him to decide or give him anything. I’m not expecting anything. I am going in no expectations of any kind. I just can’t get a good read on him. Most people you just know or they are easy to figure out. But he is just i can’t figure out what it is about him.

Today I thought I had and even bff said yeah she thought I was kind of right. I told her he is just to all over me, into me or whatever you want to say. Just oh your this and that your eyes, just all the stuff he has said.

But I told her if he isn’t just full of shit then he is akaward in ways because of how he grew up. He is use to only having people around because of the money. No or few real friends. We aren’t waiting or asking him to pay we are talking to him like he is an everyday person or what. So I understand some of the things that have been said or what.

I was starting to relax a little. But there was just something that made me feel really uneasy when he stopped at work today. I thought just because i was at work I don’t mix work and personal. I still wasn’t expecting anything just felt like i figured things out a little bit.

Tonight I was sitting at my other job writing and things. Something just said look him up. I started not to but I did. I knew he had some traffic stuff but that was it really. I don’t know what I expected to find really nothing other than that but I had to look.

Holly shit I was not expecting to find what I found. At the top was traffic stuff. But then it went on and a divorce came up, then another I think 2 or 3 plus the annulment he said he had.

Then domestic violence, stalking; cyber stalking, and sexual this and that. A charge of something over 65, dv with kids, dv with out kids, violation of injunction, arrest for out of county stuff, a baker act and a committed to long term care baker act.

I just sat there with this sick feeling in my stomic and the thought of what do I do? How do I handle this? I called bff and was like this is what I just found!!!! She was like omg he was with us we were hanging out with him. What are you going to do?

My first was call him confront him ask him about it. Tell him i know now he is full of shit and stay away from me. I did call he never answered. I messaged he hasn’t messaged back. I have not heard from him since about 6 something.

But I don’t know now if I should just wait just stop talking to him. Tell him i am seeing someone i have been talking to we decided to get together give it a try or what.

I just want to be done no problems but i don’t think it will be that easy the way he talks about me and things.

I called my old friend I haven’t talk to in months to see if I could borrow a gun but he didn’t have one. He said he looked kind of creepy. I said gee thanks, but he said maybe he was young, maybe he had some girl putting him through hell or he was going through some shit. Maybe he is alright now doing better or changed. I said no over over repeat vilation this that. He said dam girl you better back away slowly. He got some problems. I said I know, all i was doing was standing in a field and tried to be nice talk to someone who talked to me. He said i know why i don’t even try to find someone or want to be with anyone. I said i don’t either now. He said something about his boat. I said no I didn’t go out there at all I’m not stupid. He said probably some kind of torture chamber or something. I said yeah no shit. He says his daughter lives out there on it with him. I said to him and bff before that I wonder who is really out there? What is going on.

Now he knows where I work, both jobs and that I am at this one alone and in the back. He has been all through there. They have someone they know come in they bring them in my office they sit and talk. I told him come back sit we walked out the back door he sat there and smoked. Then he left.

Bff thinks I should say something to my bosses at my day job so they know what is going on in case something happens. I am so embarrassed and feel so stupid. But I thought they are federal cop they are probably the best ones to ask for adive. They know me won’t blow me off. Think I am crazy I hope. They dont know me outside of work so who knows what they will think if i tell them this. I told Pops Tuesday about meeting him. I told him I didn’t know what to think about him. I couldn’t decide if he was full of shit or alright. He said all you can do is talk to him get to know him. Nothing wrong with that.

I have to decide what to do. Talk to my boss or not and how to deal with him. I told bff I told him I was stood up by her and other friends and I said something I think about a guy was supposed to come too. He said something about how could he stand me up he be with me any chance he had or something. I should say look I have been talking to this guy for over a year we decided to get together and see where it goes. He had emergancy out if town he just got back. Hope he just goes away. She thinks he is going to start showing up where we hang out. I told her if he does and comes over to us I am going to tell him sorry I told you already I can’t talk to you I am with someone. Then if he won’t go away or tries to start a problem i will call the police get them to make him leave.

Wednesday once I got back from getting forks I sat down to eat my lunch. Next thing I know all the guys are in the office gathered around for whatever reason. Mind you our is shed he bought and made into a office to fit the little bit of space that we have and just something to do the job. So we are all pretty close. The boss was sitting at his desk and two of the guys were standing up between our desk, while starfish had come in and sat in the chair next to my desk to be out of the way.

I was mixing my salad and putting dressing on it and doing something on the computer, not really paying attention to what they were all doing or talking about. They were waiting on the boss to get off the phone I know. He got off the phone and they started talking and joking around. The boss was talking about his jug with change in it under his desk how he was hiding it from the ol lady and kids and saving money. One said well now you said something in front of her bff she is going to know now. Me and her have been friends for about 8 years or more and always together. She is the one I go out with lately and things. I just smiled and shook my head and didn’t look up or say anything. I don’t care me and her hardly ever talk about what is going on up there or anything about up there. Unless she brings it up and even then if she don’t bring up parts of it that happen or went on then I don’t tell her. I know how things are between them and how everything is. I am not going to say something and start anything if she didn’t know because he only tells her what he wants her to know. But most the time she already knows everything anyway.

I was fixing my food and looking at the computer and they finished talking about the money jar and hiding it from the ol lady and everything they all were still just standing around there. The boss said something about them all standing around and the one said something about starting a circle jerk, another pipped up and said who was starting while the other said he the boss and sitting down so, about that time starfish pipes up and says she is here today she could start it.

I wish I could of seen the other guys faces and the bosses face for sure, because before I could even look up and no sooner than it came out of his mouth he was falling all over his self saying he was sorry. By the time I could turn my head and look up he had his hands in the air was half off his chair I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m so sorry and reaching over toward where the boss was almost on his knees. I just laughed and went on doing what I was doing. I didn’t even know what to say because of his reaction all I could do was laugh. I wasn’t mad I didn’t care. I am use to being around a bunch of guys and all the comments and things so it didn’t bother me. I think he was more worried about the boss and what he was going to say or do and maybe that one of us was going to knock the hell out of him the way he was looking and falling all over. No one said anything everyone went on as normal but I bet the boss said something outside when they all went back out.

I just found it funny. It was just one of those things that comes out before you even think about it or what. then your mind catches up with what your mouth just said and your like fuck I said that out loud. I think his reaction was funny than anything.

{February 3, 2018}   All The Bad Shit

Have you ever had one of those days where all the bad shit that has ever happen to you in life just won’t stop playing over and over in your head like a movie? I am going on day two of that, I don’t know why or what triggered it but it won’t stop. I have been able to block it out to a point, if I keep myself busy and around others. But when I am alone or get aggravated it is worse and it is always there no matter what.

I just keep playing the rape, fights, the abuse, the hurt, the deaths everything over and over in my mind. I think that yesterday was the first day I really let the word rape be used and called it what it is and how it was. All I can think in my head is how did you let that happen? How did you let it keep happening? You finally stood up and put a stop to it, why didn’t you the first time? You let it happen, you just let it happen and did and said nothing. I think I was just so tired, so broken, so wore out and beat down…………….. I said no, I made it clear I didn’t want to do anything, I went so far as to tell him to go find someone else I didn’t care. He didn’t care, he told me so, he told me he couldn’t I was his wife I was supposed to give it to him, who thinks someone wants something when they are crying why your doing it? He knew he can say what he wants. What do you say and do to that???????????? I should of put a stop to it sooner, I really should of there is no one to blame for that but me for not putting a stop to it after the first time the third or the forth or whatever time it was up to……..

I am not sure what all I have and haven’t told you all because it has been so long since I was able to pot until the last few days. I know you all know I had a huge problems with my medication a while back when I was starting my other job and had went to the doctor. He upped the one and gave me a new one that I could not take while taking the one I was already one (remember that?) then told me to just stop taking everything until I could come in and get them fixed. I got nasty and told them that I didn’t know when I could come back and things and that is why I had come then, he just needed to fix it and they needed to call it in and let me know what I was supposed to be doing. Well I never heard back from them and I never got to go back. I had kept taking the higher amount of the other because I knew I should not just stop cold and not be on anything and that I needed to be on something. It wasn’t helping 100% but something was better than nothing.

Well I stopped taking it shortly after Mother Dearest moved in, I could not get things done and go to bed when I needed to in order to take it and not be passing out the next morning or feeling drugged all day. I stopped it shortly before I quite my job and I know that is part of the reason I did that. It was getting to be to much for me to deal with the people there all snide comments and remarks and the way they did people and myself. I was also very grouchy and agitated very easily. Hell I walked around that way most the time, I do when I stop taking stuff like that until it gets out of my system. Then dealing with everything at home on top of it. I went through the being sleepy, depressed not being able to get up and do anything hardly and all that. Mood swings the whole nine yards of it, I knew if they kept on at work and that all it was going to take was for them to say one just one thing to me I was going to snap and go off it wasn’t going to be good and I didn’t need that when looking for another job. Plus a few of them I may have ended up in jail no joke because I may have done something I shouldn’t have. It is to small of an area I wasn’t going to risk that and it getting out around town. I left the one day in a bad mood mad they bend over backwards for the high school kids but the ones of us in college they could careless about. I done talk to a few and they told me how they did everything they could to keep them from going and working too. I should of known when I said I have to figure out what I was going to do to Robbie and Ricky as I was leaving that day I wasn’t coming back because that’s what I have said most places before I quit.

I have tried to get in to see my therapist for a while now since before I quit and haven’t been able to yet, much less get back to the doctor. But the therapist is mostly because she was out on vacation was able to come back for one day and then had to go out for medical leave. She came back last week, I set a time to go see her then we had this storm hit and everything going on. I was not happy and have had the truck down the last two days, had to pick up Big Guy from school yesterday sick and him home today, I have to go take him to the dentist tomorrow and the two little ones to the ENT on Friday. Then after all the shit she does, says and pulls my mother wants me to take her to take her test at the college on Thursday. But I need to talk to her about all that is going on and I need to talk to her about this internship I have to do at the Women’s Center.

I don’t know if I told you all but this internship for school is at the Women’s Center like I said and it is for abused women. Our main thing is we go to the court house and help them file for injunctions or go to the court house meet the women before their hearing and let them know what we do and the things that we offer and that we will go in and sit in court with them if they would like us too. I went to training a month or two ago right before I left my other job and it ended up only being a half a day. I hadn’t been back because of things going on here. But just that half a day of training left me feeling horrible. Just listening to what these guys do what these women go through and all that. So very much of it hitting so very close to home with all I have been through with father of the year. I left there and was all but in tears the rest of the day. I had to go to the shop, I sat there it was all I could do not to burst out crying. At that point It wasn’t even over any one thing or something I was thinking about. It just seemed so thick and weighing me down. I felt like I was being smothered or attacked by something. It was horrible feeling I don’t know if I have ever had that feeling before in my life. I felt like there was something physically on me. It was the weirdest feeling I have ever had. I think I touched on this in another post not long ago or when it happen so you may have read about already.

I was called to come back this past Friday to do all the training over again. The main lady said she was going to do it and wanted to meet us answer any questions we had and didn’t feel that it went over well for the first half even last time. So I went in and did it, and I didn’t have the same feeling or as affected by it. But we didn’t get into the detail and all that. Last time they told us stories of different clients (no names of course) and what they been through. They did this time but it wasn’t the same kind of things that I had been through so it didn’t really bother me. I was able to detach myself from it so that I could do what I needed to do. I wanted to talk to her about all that and how I felt and things because I am going to be dealing with this kind of thing all the time and more of the things that I have went through than the extreme cases that we learned about Friday.

I want to do the training for the SAV’s program but it is a 40 hour training class and then you have to be able to be on call from 7 am to 7 am a few times a month or more. I have to wait until I get this job or some job and see what days I could do it. The only problem I may have is with my little one in daycare if I was to get a call and not be able to pick her up. But I am going to talk to the one teacher I know and my friend and see if they can help me out if I end up being on call during the week. If it is the weekend or at night my oldest would be here to be with them. I will only be gone a few hours and it is maybe two miles from my house so I wouldn’t be worried about leaving them here. The SAV’s program works with sexual assault victims and I think strangulation victims. Not 100% sure about the strangulation but I know for sure the rest.

It’s sad that our hospitals and things here do not want to deal with rape victims or sexual assault, they now have an exam room set up at the battered women’s shelter for exams for them. When they show up at the hospital they put them in a tax or the back of a police car and send them over there. They call us and tell us they are sending them over so that the nurse and one of us and I am not sure who else can be ready to meet them there when they get there. We have an hour from the time we are called to be there. They have very few people to do it and are splitting it up between 3 or 4 people that is it.

The strangulation program is something that the county has started, because it has become so common and something these guys use instead of just punching them in the eye or the face because they figure they do it just right it won’t leave marks and no one will ever know. So the nurse at the works the exam room is also trained in what to look for if someone says they have been strangled, from the affects it has on their eyes, skin and blood vessels on the face and neck to looking in someone’s throat and what to look for. It is horrible we have to have this but I find it worse that out of all the police departments and things in this county the only people who get taken there and get a chance at having this done and getting help to prove what their offenders done are the ones who live in the county. If they live in a city limit this service or exam is not offered to them. It is a polite program that is set up and being tested. I want to know what we have to do to get it open so that all the women in the county are taken there to be checked just like all the sexual assault ones are. If I have to I will make phone calls and everything else to see that it happens. Because sometimes that is all a guy will do and if you can’t prove it because he didn’t cause enough damage or kill them then they are free to do it again until what next time they do? It isn’t right.

It is so very sad and scary that we need someone to do either one of these exams or that we need people like us to be there and be a advocate for these women and someone to stand beside them and support them as they have to go through all this. But we do, like the one girl said she had not been on any calls the three times that she was on call. But then she thought about it that someone had to be hurt and go through something like that in order for her to get a call and that she didn’t want that to happen to anyone so she just prayed every night that she wouldn’t get any calls. Not because she didn’t want to be bothered or put out but because she just didn’t want anyone to go through that.

I guess I need to go to bed I am calmed down and all the kids are sleeping. I can’t take a nap after I drop the kids at school tomorrow because I have to take the one to his appointment and then go to work at the shop. Besides if I do even though no one is home I am told how I am lazy I don’t do anything all I do is sleep all day every day. Even though I may lay down once a week or every few if I am up late the night before or don’t get to sleep. She knows if I am or not because we are right here by each other and she stays up every fing night on the computer, sleeps all day until we come home or right before and then raises hell when we get home. But let me lay down once in a while for a few hours or even the freaken day if I want to until I get the kids like I said she is all kinds of shit starting. So what if I do what needs to be done is getting done.

et cetera
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