{February 19, 2020}   Figured Something’s Out

After I finally told him Monday night what happen, why I am disconnecting, shutting down and having a hard time all really started to make since. Two and two went together all of a sudden. I knew when I was with my friend I was doing it to a point but didn’t really think much of it or worry about it. It wasn’t causing any issues. But with Jw things are different. I want that connection, closeness, and bond that should be there between couples. Not something that just feels like a hook up or what.

Before I get into the things I figured out let me go back to before things happened the way they did with father of the year. So that things make a little more since.

I was a little shy and embarrassed the first times or so. I wouldn’t be undressed in front of whoever I was with, I would get undressed and cover up if the lights were on or it was lit up in the room. I would wait until it was dark and get undressed. Then I would get dressed once they went to the other room or grab my stuff and go to the bathroom.

That was short lived thankfully, because it just hit me one day. You can get undressed and have sex with them and your good enough for that but scared what they might think or say if they see you naked? What since does that make? Your fine with your body and the way you look. If they have a problem with that then why are you doing anything more with them? So then after that I didn’t really think anything of it after that.

With that said I have always been very open to trying new things, exploring, and vocal. I say let’s try this, do this or don’t do this, I don’t like that, let’s try this instead. Talk dirty to each other just what we felt like doing or was comfortable doing. Sometimes that might just be moan. But I never thought twice about it or felt funny or worried about what the person I was with was going to say, do or think about it. Nor did I ever think anything of what they did or said. We were both just enjoying it. We be together or sometimes in our own little worlds or zones but still aware of what the other was doing or what. If that makes since.

Then with father of the year and his I’m his wife and its my place blah, blah bullshit things changed. Each time I became more and more distant, disconnected and shut down. The only things I could do to keep from crying through it all and to keep from feeling it or being a part of it or involved is more what I am looking for.

Ì noticed with Jw if I am laying on my back he is on top of me and holding himself up on his arms or legs it bothers me. I will tell him lay down relax, get comfortable. He won’t. He says he don’t want to put all his weight on me, he don’t want to hurt me. I tell him it os fine he isn’t going to hurt me. Honestly it feels good to me. It is comforting to me. I wasn’t sure why really. I just knew it bothered me for him to be over me like that but felt good if he laid down. Even if we are just laying there talking he will do that talk to me, kiss me or what playing around. It bothers me.

But thinking about it and everything that has went on it hit me. Father of The Year would get up over me and be like that when he would get mad and I was telling him no. So that i couldn’t move or what. When Jw does that I guess it triggers those memories. That is why I start to with draw or shut down.

But when or if he lays down and relaxes, it is comforting and a grounding type thing for me. I feel safe or that everything is okay. I don’t have to be on edge or expecting the worse I guess. I haven’t said anything to Jw about it yet. I haven’t said anything about anything that I have thought of or figured out yet. It’s been something we haven’t talked about and skirted around since we talked that night. There just hasn’t been a right time or good time the last few nights.

Something else I figured out was that I’m not vocal in anyway anymore really. We joke and laugh about being a “starfish” or what but that is how I feel. I stopped being vocal when all that was going on then when I was with my friend all those years there was almost always people around or coming and going and kids around so we were always pretty quiet then.

Now I start to be and I catch myself and stop myself. I think, is that okay to do? Is he going to say something? Get mad? Does he like that or will he? Is he just going to say I shouldn’t be doing that?

In my head I am telling myself it is fine not to worry about it. He isn’t going to think anything of it and probably like it. Of course now I’m all in my head instead of into what is going on and get all worried about that and it snowballs from there. Then I find myself thinking I wish he just finish already because now I’m not into it and now am I messing things up for him. On and on.

He likes different ways and things and will say lets try this or do this. I have no problem with that but then I feel self conscious if something happens or if I feel I’m not doing what I should be. Even though there isn’t always something to do.

If something happens or it seems he isn’t enjoying it or what I feel like I have done something wrong or not doing something I should be. I will ask him sometimes what je wants me to do or wants to do. I will do it. But lately i have noticed I am having a lot of pain with different things we have tried. I think it is a combination of a few things. The time of the month the fact my uterus is tilted and the fact I am having a hard time relaxing and just enjoying it.

He said the other night he is still nervous to a point as well and not real sure about things either. Because of the normal someone knew getting to know them and what they like or are okay with and just really learning each other and forming that bond or what ever you want to call it. I told him I in the same situation but also dealing with this on top of it. Again he just kept saying he understands not to worry about it, we can take our time, take things slow, figure out how to work through it. That it don’t change anything between us or how he feels. He still wants us. This isn’t going to run him off or scare him away. That he is sorry if he has done anything. I just keep telling him no because he hasn’t it’s me not him.

After thinking about it all and realizing the things I have. I figured out my biggest problem is not getting into it and stopping myself or holding myself back. I want to get into it and enjoy it like I use to. That bothers me the most and I feel that I need to get through first. The other things are things that if I am into it and have that connection aren’t really a problem.

When I was with RC, I didn’t have the same kind of problems. With him the main problem I had was just being all into it and then all of a sudden just shut down and not be able to do anything. Even though I wanted to. Other than that I didn’t have any problem when we were doing things.

But I’m really not sure how to handle it or what to do in order to work through it. I have even thought about trying to go back to counseling but I just don’t know how that is going to work because I don’t have insurance and haven’t had time to now when I wanted to.

{February 1, 2019}   Don’t Talk To My Girl Like That

Last night me and the owners son just about got into it. Had he not been there we probably would have. He heard the commotion and came out to see what was going on.

When I got in the service manager came in and said she was leaving a key for a car to be picked up. She showed me the paper work and what she had to fill out and what papers were theirs and what we keep. She told me she didn’t owe money and that there was one in there already that did owe money. She took the one she had and put with the other where they are kept.

Everyone left it was just me and T Jr. there. His dad and his friend was in the office still but we were the only ones “working” he was in the office with them most the time. But there was nothing going on it didn’t bother me. I was doing things at my desk on my phone and looking on line.

In a little bit the lady came in and picked her car up. She was there for a but, she signed all the papers, I gave her the papers that were hers and the key and she even had time to go to the restroom. She left and went around to get her car. About that time T Jr came out asking if that was a car being picked up? I told him yes and he started about money being owed on it. I told him that there wasn’t any money owed on it and was trying to tell him it was a different car he kept on and on about it had money owed on it and everything else. I didn’t try to stop her I just let her keep going and he was going to the kitchen area to get the papers. He being loud and nasty about it. I started walking back there to where he was going.

About the time I got to the back of one of the cars we have sitting there about to go into the kitchen Mr. T come out of his office and across and was over there. He put his hand on my arm and was holding it we kind of walked in together. He seen T Jr and he was mad he said don’t talk to my girl like that, I’ll kick your ass. Why are you talking to her like that. He looked at me and said don’t let him talk to you like that, you tell me I will kick him in the ass. He don’t need to talk to you like that.

T Jr was saying something about I gave the people the car and money… He was pulling the paper out of the pocket it was in. Mr T. pulled it away from him and took it out and looked at it. I said there is no money owed on that. He looked and said she is right there isn’t money owed on it, it’s right there. I said no but there is Money owed on the other one over there. Then T Jr. says your on top of it or something like that and how did I know that and what to do? I said one, I talked to the girl from the service department when she brought that one in and hung it up there and she told me what to give them and do with it all. Two I’m not stupid I can read and it says right there $0 owed. Then T jr. is like oh and yeah your smart one I should of known you were on top of it and knew what you were doing or some crap like that. Trying not to look like the ass he looked like for what he just done. Mr. T looked at him and again said you better not talk to her like that again. Turned around and told me I was doing a good job, keep up the good work and went back to his office.

If he had not been there and heard it and come out when I walked in that kitchen we probably would have gotten into it and I would have left and went home. I am not going to be talked to like that and I am not going to be talked to like I am stupid or talked over when I am trying to explain something and told how I am wrong when they don’t know. If Mr. T had handled it differently and not said something to him about how he did and just took his side or played it off like it was no big deal I would of said something too. The rest take all their crap and just go on and that is why they talk to and about them the way they do. I think they knew from the start I don’t play that I am not putting up with crap being done that way they. That was the first time anyone has even gotten the least bit nasty with me for anything.

Now tonight I expect to get my lashing because I guess I left the program on the computer open and all the computers crashed and they were pissed. Mr. Auto called me this morning and told me I caused a big stir over there he was just letting me know before I got there what to expect. They can get onto me reprimand me or whatever they want to do. But I am not going to be yelled at, bitched out called anything or anything like that. I will tell them real fast yes I screwed up I take full responsibility for that but I am not going to be disrespected or what. I will find another job real fast. They can fire me or I will quite but I am not going to be done that way even if I mess up. We can talk about it like the adults we all are.

et cetera
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