He wanted his mom to come down for Christmas but didn’t think she would and wasn’t sure we would be able to get her a ticket. But he asked her if we did if she would come? At first she wasn’t sure. She was worried about the kids up there, how they would get to/from school and who would be home with them. She had to think about it.

To start with he ask his brother if him and his family wanted to come they all could of drove down together. They all live together. none of them would of had to get a room. his brother and family could of stayed in oldest room. She had a queen bed and we had twin mattresses we could of put in there for the kids. His mom could of stayed in Little Bitty’s room. The two girls could of slept in middle sons room. He had a full size bed and a twin bed. girls could of shared the full he could sleep in the twin. So that was all taken care of. It would of cost them their gas to get here and home. But his brother didn’t want to do that and said no.

We ended up being able to get his mom a ticket to come down and he told his brother he would have to work out the kids why she was gone. He said okay. Then he told him he bought the ticket for right at a month. He just said okay.

She got her the 9th of December and went home the 3rd of January. It was a nice time for the most part. It was the first time she had been home for Christmas in 8 years. Since she left here and went up there.

Here sister got sick and was in and out of the hospital and had been put back in just a few days before she got here. The day after she got here I took her up to see here.

Here sister was so excited to see her then went right to telling her how she was going home the next day she needed someone to take care of her. Just basically telling her she was going to spend her time here taking care of her. Normally when she comes in the summertime she stays with her. But we paid for her to come and brought her down to spend time with JW and the baby. Not over there taking care of her the whole time and it was to give her a break from taking care of everyone. All she does at home. I didn’t say anything I just let them talk and stayed out of it. Figured I would wait to see what happened before I did. We got home and she called her sisters daughter and talked to her. She told her she had everything worked out already not to worry about it. I figured she should have she is the one here and would of had to anyway and didn’t know she was coming in until a day or so before.

Later after Christmas and everything she said something about her sister being mad at her and that she had hardly had anything to say to her since she left the hospital that day. Said she didn’t even talk to her when we were all there for Christmas right at her house. She ended up back in the hospital again when she was getting ready to leave. She went over and seen her the day she was leaving. After she had been home a few days she started talking to her again. I don’t blame her for not wanting to spend the month over there with her. Or take care of her, she is just like my mother or close to it. She did tell them if they needed her to she could come over some for a few hours or so to help but she wasn’t going over there to stay or take care of her the whole time she was here.

It was nice having her here but I was ready when she went home. Every time we walked out of the house she went with us. She can’t walk around for to long so she goes to the car or just rides and sits in the car. I feel like I have to rush or can’t go everywhere I need to because she is waiting. Me and him already have no time alone and that is the one time we get a little bit of time alone to talk about things we need to or what. We couldn’t do that. One time I did get mad and said something. I wasn’t trying to be nasty. But I think I was a little bit. I was tired it was late and I had to go get oldest from work. I had been trying to talk her him all day about something I can’t even remeber what. I asked him to go with me he said something. His mom said I will ride with you. He said oh ok mom can ride with you. I really don’t feel like it or something. I got a little aggervated and he could tell and asked what was wrong. I didn’t have to go by myself she was going to go with me. I said because I have been trying to talk to you all day about something and can’t get anytime alone to. He said something still didn’t really want to go and she said no it’s fine you two go I will keep the baby so you can talk or what. He didn’t like that then but he went. I had said when she said she would go I ask you to go. That is when he started about not wanting to and everything.

Why she was here she said something about the fridge door in the laundry room and how it open and not being able to get into it. I said I know some you can turn around. I said I didn’t want it there to start with and have asked him for over a year to turn it around. But just something else that never gets done.

He got so mad come through the kitchen telling me to shut up he didn’t want to hear my shit today. His mom was like what, why would you say that to her? He said something about I’m always complaining about shit or something like that. I said I wasn’t complaining she ask about the door I told her why it was like that, I just simply told her the truth. Wasn’t complaining. She said something about not letting things go and getting things done. I said I don’t go in there and use it. If I need something I have him get it or ask the kids. I do enough I refuse to fight with it.

Another time I was cooking and they were sitting in the living room talking and watching tv. I was messing with all this hot stuff and the baby kept getting under foot. I was worried he was going to get burnt and just needed to be able to move around quicker and get things done. No one wants to be putting up with someone running around in the way why they are trying to do something. It’s worse when everyone is sitting around doing nothing why you are and not helping get them out of the way. I finally hollered and ask if he would come and get him. I had already asked a few times and he would get him and let him come right back or just call him and never get him.

He comes off with have one of the kids get him. I was done, that just pissed me off to no end. That is what he loves to say about things, have the kids get him, have the kids help you, let the kids do it, have the kids do it. Seems whatever I ask at times. I yelled now and told him I was so sick of hearing let, have or get the kids to do something. If I wanted to have them do it all the time I would ask them and if I was going to ask them to do it all the time like he wanted I sure the hell did not need him here. I don’t know what his mom said but he got up and got him. I don’t think I heard anything about the kids again after that for a while. Then it was did I think the kids could or would.

Don’t get me wrong my kids can help but the thing is they do help, ALOT. They split up the household chores for the most part and clean their own rooms, do their own laundry. They also do extra here and there if I ask them too. But for him to expect them to do everything because he don’t want too. At the time he was working 10 to 15 hours a week mostly 10 sometimes 20. He helped cook dinner, wash ours and the babies clothes and take care of the baby when I was at work, that was about it. Most those things other than cooking or taking care of the baby he only did once maybe twice a week. I had the baby from the time I got off, took him to work, took oldest to work, took boys to kickboxing and little bitty to dance. Then I would pick them up from dance and boxing and go home. Do dinner or cook it then by the time I got done doing that and sat everyone down to eat I had to turn around and go get him from work and her from work. Most nights I did not get home until almost 11 at night. To eat myself, shower, and hopefully go to bed and get some sleep. But 9 times out of 10, I had to feed the baby before or while I ate, and then get him cleaned up. Then I would have to get his bath if he needed one get him changed and dressed for bed, make his bottle and put him to bed. Before i could shower and think about going to bed. If I said something to him he get nasty about how he had him all day or something. I would go to bed and did not get up at night to take care of the baby when he got up and if he didn’t go to bed I stopped staying up with him. I had to be up to early.

His mom would say I don’t know what is wrong with him and his brother this is not how I raised them they are just like their dad. She did say he did a lot more than his brother around the house. He won’t cook a meal wash a dish or a load of clothes. Said he won’t even carry her chair for her when they go to ball games for the kids or nothing. I said well he don’t have a choice but to help if he wants to be here because I am not doing it all why he sits. I am not waiting on him like he is a king. She said I don’t blame you.

It was a ruff month. I don’t know why I thin just the stress of the holidays, his hours being cut and me already having a hard time. Then someone else in the house all that time. I don’t like people in my house for long periods of time. A couple of days and I am ready for them to leave. Just the same I don’t like to be at other peoples houses at all and a day or two a way from home is more than enough most the time. If I go to visit someone I will stay at a hotel instead of staying with them. I need that space to go back to away from everyone and have down time. I also do not sleep when I stay with someone else. If I do I don’t sleep well. I wake up a million times.

Over all it was an okay time.

JW finally quit his new job he got after leaving the seafood place and got another one. The other was a joke, they cut his hours and weren’t paying him that much at all. They cut his hours on the days he could work then wanted him to work the days they agreed would be his days off when he went there. Then they would be like oh we need help on this day and it will give you extra hours. He was like well we do need the extra hours. I said no we don’t need the extra hours, we need them to give you the hours you are supposed to be getting on the days you are supposed to get them. Then if they needed you to come in once in a while to help and you were available that would be extra hours. I said but when they cut your hours just to try to force you to come in on your days off is not giving you extra hours. In order to get extra hours you have to of been given the hours you are supposed to have first. We are not playing that game. They do this and they are hoping you all will go oh yeah extra hours and jump on it. Thinking oh they are trying to give me extra hours. They aren’t.

He went to the little store over by where he use to live and talked to the manager there. The manager knew of him from us always going in there. He told him he would like to have him there working and could work with his days and hours. He said he could count on at least 30 hours a week probably more. He said he could give him $1 more an hour. But he could not start him until he quit at the other store because of them being competitor’s. He told him to come in the next day and apply and get his paperwork done. Let them know what his last day at the other store would be and he would put him on the next schedule after that. So that is what he did and went over there a week or so before Christmas. He fixed it so he worked a couple days that week so he would get a check his first payday there. Then after that he had 40 hours a week for a while. He gave him Christmas off as well. He told him he already had plans that we had flown his mom in and this was the first time she was here for the holidays in years. He said that was not a problem he had enough people who wanted to work. He did tell him if he would like to do an over night shift or late evening shift he could to let him know. Because they get time and a half for the holidays and an extra $1 an hour late in the evening and over night. He also started him at $2 more and hour than what he was making at the other store because of the experience he had.

So one night I went to pick him up and his mom went with me, we were sitting in the van talking. We were talking about how he just lets everything go and don’t do anything about anything unless he wants something different. But over all he just don’t worry about anything or take care of anything. He ignores it and whatever happens happens. She said I know he did it with something else and how she had to make him get a job when she went and got him and he moved back down here. She said did he ever get his divorce finalized? I said yeah, he said he did, he better have! Because as I am saying this I am thinking wait did he? Is he divorced? I said why? She said he was having some issue with it before I didn’t know if he did or not. He had to do this or that. Why she is saying this I am thinking even more and it is clicking that he isn’t divorced. I didn’t say anything.

But I thought about it his child support case said to establish child a child support order not to enforce one. If they were divorced there would of been one they would be enforcing it not establishing one. I thought about his ex and the guy she left him for, how they had been together for years. From the time they split or before up until a year or two ago. But they never got married. The way she is and if you are going to be with someone that long I would think they would of gotten married. I thought they said they had been engaged at some point so why didn’t they ever get married? Probably because she couldn’t. I came home and started looking for a divorce in the county where they lived and she still lives. I looked back for years and could not find one anywhere. All I could find was some one sued her or something.

That night when we went to our room and could talk away from everyone, I asked him about it, he said yes he got one. I asked if he had the paperwork? He said no, I said did you have a court date? Again he said no. I said then how do you know you are? He said she called and told me she was going to file it and take care of it all. I said did she send you any paperwork to sign for it. Again no. I said ok you are not divorced. He said yeah we are. I said no you are not. If you were then why did you not get any paperwork to sign, a court date or a final judgment? I don’t know maybe she listed it in the news paper. I said no she didn’t. I said I can tell you are not, because they established an order for support not enforce one, there is no court case for a divorce for you two anywhere in the county where you all lived or she lived and there isn’t one here because she can’t file here. He said he didn’t know or what he thought they were. I was not happy at all. I would of never gotten with him if I had known he wasn’t divorced. I would of told him no if he wanted to get together he better get it filed and finalized come talk to me when it was.

I was mad he could tell, he said what now your mad about that. I said yes I am, I wouldn’t of ever done this had I known. He didn’t say anything for a bit. I rolled over the other way and didn’t say anything. He said I can’t believe you are that upset about it, we haven’t been together forever we may as well be. Haven’t you ever dated someone that was separated before? I said no I have not and would not. I said the closes I have they had already filed for a divorce and was waiting on the court date. Oh he says. Then he says you are really that worried about it? What are you scared I am going to run back to her? I don’t want her we haven’t been together for almost 20 years. I said oh no I am not worried you are going to go back to her at all. Because if that is what you want and want to do I want you to go and she can have you. Because if that is what you want I don’t want you or to be with you. I don’t want to be with no one that don’t want to be with me or wants to be with someone else. You don’t have to be that way about it. I said what way? You are the one that said it, I am just telling you no if you want her or anyone else for that matter you can go. I love you but not enough to put up with that. He says then it isn’t a big deal or make a difference.

I said oh but yes it makes a huge difference and is a very big deal. I said you know if you got sick and couldn’t make desions for your self no one else can either. She would have to be called and she would have to make them. I said they may say if they do x, y, and z for you, you would be fine in a few days or a week. I said she could say nope I don’t want you to do that let him go. I said your other kids, your mother, me or anyone else would have no say in it. I said if something happened and you died, no one could do anything with you. She would have all say in what was done with you, If she wanted to take your bod and toss it on the side of the road or throw it in a field (Sarcastic we all know she can’t but the point) she could and again no one that should be deciding would have a say in it. Anything you have she would get.

I said you want to start a food truck or trailer, if you do something happen to you she would get it. Your kids, mom or anyone else. I said they could go to court fight it because you haven’t been together for so long. But that isn’t right to your kid or mother. I said or if we have anything together to me. I said your older children should have the way and they should get your things. He said something about she probably wouldn’t want anything or do anything. I said do you really believe that? I said look at how she done you already, you didn’t think she would do that either but here we are. I said and the worst in people come out when someone dies. I said I am not even worried about the baby. I said its the fact of the matter that she don’t need to have that kind of control over everything or the major things that have to do with you. I said and how would you feel if I told you all this time i was divorced and then 3 years later it comes out I’m not? You wouldn’t like it. No but it wouldn’t be a big deal. I said yeah it would.

I said that van out there isn’t mine and yours. He said what do you mean? I said it is mine, yours and hers. If something happen to you I would have to get her permission to do anything with it. I would have to give her part of the money from it if I sold it. No its your van. I said no it isn’t. It’s all of our van.

We talked some more and I just told him if he didn’t want to take care of it I wasn’t being with him. I just told him he had until the end of January to have everything printed filled out and filed. If he didn’t I was done.

Little Bitty went to the doctor for a checkup or something and they were talking about how small she is. She is 9 and 40lbs still. She was on the chart just below the other kids her age. But now she is falling off the charts. They sent her to a specialist to get testing and figure out what is going on. He couldn’t find anything and said she needed to go to a GI doctor.

He sent us home with paperwork for a bunch of test first. He said he wanted to get these test done first because the GI doctor would want to go straight to scoping her and he didn’t want them to do that if it could be avoided.

We did the first round and it came back she isn’t absurding the nutrition like she should. But they said the test could be wrong so we have to reduce it and if it comes back the same we see what doctor we go to from there. If it is fine we see where we go from there. I just hope it isn’t something to bad and they can take care of it easily and she doesn’t have to go through to much.

Mean while why I am trying to move everything to my new house and dealing with everything else going on the kids decided right away just about that they wanted JW to move in with us. He was coming over every night after work having dinner hanging out or helping move stuff. They started asking if he was going to stay the night and things. After a little bit they were asking if he was going to go ahead and move in. I am glad they all hit it off and decided too. Because it was like over night I got sick and it just got worse and worse from there.

I failed my 3 hour test as I knew I would. I started checking my numbers like 4 times a day. They stayed pretty consistent and in range. It was hard to eat all the times a day they wanted me to and I didn’t get them all in but I was ok. But something was wrong I just was weak and wore out and couldn’t do anything. My numbers started dropping below 78 and then I would get sick from that. But they said that should not make me sick it wasn’t that because your low can be down in the 60. But if it got below 78 for me I was sick. When I was feeling bad they were staying high. They would be in normal range but on the high side just a couple from being over. But I would be sick before they went up or dropped then get sicker. It was two different feelings I don’t even know how to explain it.

I didn’t get in to see the doctor and before Christmas rolled around. We went to his families house. I couldn’t do anything I stood there just leaning on the wall. I didn’t want to sit then I would after a bit but didn’t feel any better. I ate a few small spoonfuls of about 4 things when we had dinner and my numbers shot up wouldn’t go down. They we’re up for hours then just dropped all at once. He kept asking if I was alright if I needed to go home and things I told him no. If I went home I would just lay in bed going stir crazy unable to sleep and sick. If I was up I was sick but being out was better than laying in bed.

We went home and I laid down and fell a sleep.

The next day we took the kids for breakfast and the flea mark. What was I thinking. The place for breakfast was packed we waited an hour or more for a table. By the time we got to the flea market I got about a quarter of the way through it and sat at the food court and waited for them to get done. We went home all I could do was lay there. I felt like all the life was being drained from my body.

That evening I finally told him he had to take me to the hospital. That if my numbers for my sugar was normal they needed to find out what was wrong with me. Because something was and it was bad. He told the kids we were going to take care of things and we left.

When I got there they weren’t to busy they got me right back and checked my numbers and said they were fine. I said I’m not leaving I am not fine do whatever you have to but figure out what is wrong with me.

It was a male doctor and nurse and they were really good and cared. They said we aren’t going to throw you out we are going to run some test and see where we go from there. I think he could tell something was wrong.

Of course they started with blood work. In a bit they came back and asked if I was a heavy drinker or use a lot of drugs before I was pregnant? I said no never. They asked if I took a lot of Tylenol again I told them I almost never take any kind of pain meds ever. JW was sitting there he said no she doesn’t nothing.

They said my liver numbers were very elevated. Basically my liver was shutting down. I was so sick I don’t remember what they did with me that night. I ended up back at home late that night or in the middle of the night. That was the first of many trips to the hospital and stays over the next month.

Shortly after the itching started. My whole body from my head to my feet would itch. I was uncomfortable in close it got extremely bad at night. I would walk my house in the dark with a sheet or blanket wrapped around me. I would pace the house stop lay on the couch or sit at the table and then pace some more. They would wake up and find me any number of places where I would just sit or lay and was able to get comfortable enough to fall a sleep or more just pass out from pure exhaustion. Sometimes it would be in bed.

At like 30 weeks I spent a day or two in the hospital and they were trying to decide if it was better to send me to the high risk hospital over 50 miles from my house and put me on bestest there for the next 8 to 10 weeks. Or if it was better to send me over there and go ahead and deliver the baby so early. They were doing my liver numbers every so often to see if they were going up or down. They finally came down enough they weren’t as worried but still really bad. They let me go home.

During this I was still dragging myself to work and trying to take care of this camera project I was working on. Doing my co workers job because they were stuck in another country because of covid.

I was on salary because of my new position and we ended up working it out to see what it came to hourly and putting me on hourly because it got to where I was missing to much time. I tried to take leave but it was really to early and they needed me with the other person out. I finally just told them if I can get there I would but I didn’t know what time I would get there, how long I would be here or when I would leave. I did a little bit from home as well. I would get here when I could get as much done as I could then I would have to leave before I got to sick to drive myself home. I would tell them once this is done message me the info I will do what I need to and call in and we will do what we need to.

I felt horrible before Christmas I took the girls and tried to go shopping for everyone and twice I got so sick I had to leave my oldest daughter in the store to pay for the stuff so I could go to the car. Then I would have to get us home. I would wake up be like ok I got sleep I feel good. We need to do A,B,C,D and X,Y,Z. D,Z,Y and A are most important have to get done. We would start with that go down until I would say ok this is it we have to go home I can’t do anymore but get us home. That is what we would do. He was making dinner a lot of nights after working 9 or 10 hours days. Oldest would help as much as she could. The other kids would too. He was going to the other house to get stuff they would unpack it put it away.

I was so sick I was paying people to go pack my house and get rid of stuff. I got to where I wouldn’t go to work for days. It was to the point I wasn’t even calling in just didn’t show up. I would get random text or calls asking if everything is okay. Or as okay as they could be from people at work.

It was hard because I love my baby but this isn’t what I wanted by far and now I am this sick. I didn’t want anything to happen to the baby. But I was so torn from I didn’t want this I don’t want to be doing this and now I am so sick I can’t do the things I need to because I am so sick. Being worried about the baby and truly thinking I was going to die. I felt like I was slowly dying by the time I would go back to the hospital. It be like is this it is this going to be the time? Then think what about after I have the baby? Is this going to go away? Will I feel better? Am I going to be this way the rest of my life!!!? Then the guilt of not being able to do anything to help pack, move stuff or unpack and put away. All you can do is lay there you are to sick to do anything else it was like some cruel joke because now you can’t do anything but lay in bed but you aren’t sleepy either. Any other time you would be so tired you could or would at least sleep. It was so weird because I would be up most the night walking, pacing the house you would think I would be sleepy during the day but I wasn’t. Thinking about it it was almost as if I was hardly ever sleepy. So you just lay there with all your thoughts or sit in the hospital lonely with them all and being in the hospital makes them worse.

{December 13, 2020}   4:30 A.M. Why am I Awake?

I fell a sleep around 10 and woke up about an hour and half ago. I was wide awake and still am. I been messing around reading old post and things.

Looking back reading old post from when I started this blog really in 2012 I can not believe how bad thing’s really were. I can not believe how bad the abuse really was. I know I posted not long ago talking about it. But man I don’t know something about reading those post after being completely out of the situation and him not being around anymore. Thinking about how life has been to what it was. It is mind blowing to think I lived that. That really was my life.

I think no wonder I feel the way I do when I see him. No wonder I got so sick and upset when he walked into court the first time after he had stepped out of the picture.

I was reading a post about a big fight we had in front of people. One of very few and the worse of them that anyone seen. I read this that I had written……….

“He knows he kind of has me in a corner because of my kids. I am not going to risk doing anything that would make them maybe give them to him when we go to court.”

I was saying in the post anyone else talked to me or treated me that way it would of been a hands on fight. But with him my kids are at risk. So I just took it and moved on all those years. This fight was just days before our court date for the divorce. When I filed he got super bad for awhile. Between that and being with someone else and happy just enraged him.

Reading all those I just felt my anxiety kick in overdrive in seconds. My heart racing and the fear, the fight or flight. My head hurts my heart hurts and I feel sick to my stomach. It amazes me the reaction I have just laying here in my bed under the covers so warm and comfortable. Knowing he isn’t around and that stuff isn’t going on anymore. I shouldn’t of read those because now who knows how long I will be awake. At least until I calm down some. I almost want to cry just thinking about it.

Had to edit to add a picture of puch getting his bath. He was sitting so nice until you try to take a picture then he jumps up and has a fit.

I haven’t been on the last few day’s because I have been in bed since Thursday night. I got off work a little early. I came home got everything set up and gave the dog a bath. I took him out to the hose it went well.  He was sitting but anytime you try to take a picture he jumps up barks and gets excited and jumps around. After that I took him in and got a shower myself. Then I took him for a ride to go pick up JW from work. He was so happy to go for a car ride and to his daddy.

We came home walked the dog and JW washed dishes and started dinner. I finished cooking and washed dishes from dinner. We sat talked and watched tv. My right side was hurting. It wasn’t bad at all just dull pain like maybe I pulled a muscle or something. I didn’t pay much attention to it or think anything of it. In a bit it went away.

We went to bed around 11watched the news and talked for a little while. I fell a sleep while he was watching his shows. I normally wake up a time or two in the night to use the bathroom or from being hot. I got up once and laid back down. I was rolled facing him he had his back to me. Just as I was falling back to sleep good he rolled over put his arm over me. He laid his knee on my side. He hardly touched me with his knee. But all of a sudden the pain that shot through my side was so extreme. Before I even thought I shoved his leg over. I thought he was going to fall off the bed.

After that the pain didn’t stop. It just got worse and worse. To the point I started feeling sick and thought I was going to puke. Finally after about an hour I woke him up. I needed something in case I got sick because I could hardly move from the pain. I did not know if I would make it to the bathroom. I wanted him to know something was wrong in case something happened. If I passed out or he couldn’t get me up or something. And see what he thought.

Just him moving on the bed made it so much worse. After he helped me he went and laid on the couch. I finally decided I had to go somewhere and get checked out. I know I have a gallstone and pron to cycst and they hurt when they pop. Either one you never know if it is bad enough to be seen and something needs done or if it will just pass.

But once the pain was bad enough to make me sick it was time to be seen. I didn’t know what we were going to do. As far as I knew they were not allowing anyone in the hospital but the person being seen. Unless they are under 18 then one guardian could go in. They wouldn’t even let them wait in the waiting room. I hate being in the ER alone. When I am to that point of being sick I just want someone there. He said he was driving me over there I ask him if he was sure. He said there was no way in hell I was driving and it was to late to be calling anyone. I needed to go now not once we found someone, they got ready and finally got here. He said if he had to he would just wait in the truck for me and if they kept me he would find someone to pick him up. It would be later people would be up.

We got there he parked in front of the door, helped me out and inside. Once they had me sitting down he went and parked the truck and came back in. They stopped him at registration for him to answer all their questions. They came and took me back. Told him he could come back once they were done with him.

The doctor came in right away asked what was going on felt around and did his exam. He of course ordered blood work, urine and a CT with dye. Right after he went out JW was finally able to come back. I went to the bathroom then got sick for the first time. I mostly just was dry heaving. Very little came up. Then I was stuck in the bathroom. There were bars to hold onto around the toilet and it was so low to the ground. I had to squat in front of it hold the bar to hold myself up. I couldn’t bend over because of the pain. Then jw had to come help me up because of the pain. It was a mess. I ended up in there I don’t know how many times.

They finally came in to do the iv get the blood and give me floods. They wanted to do it in my arm by this point the pain was horrible and I still had done nothing but dry heaving. I felt sicker than ever. I been there 45 minutes or more with no offer of pain meds or anything. They see the vain really well but once they get in it rolls or moves they can’t get it they sit there and fish for it and most the time end up blowing it. I hate needles and can not stand when they do that. I knew if that happened then the way i felt I probably would of pucked everywhere. I refused to let her do my arm. She said they have CT with dye they need it in the arm blah blah. I said no they don’t the hand is fine and that they did it with it in the hand ever time before. She gave me a gown to put on I ask her if I could stay in my clothes. I was cold already and hurting to bad to be changing clothes. I told her I had nothing metal on. All I had on was sweatpants and t shirt. I felt so bad I wasn’t about to put jeans or my other pants on. I got JW’s sweatpants and one of his black tshirts so I didn’t have to put a bra on either. She said I just don’t want to get blood on your clothes. I said why would there be chance of that? She said from doing the iv. I said oh that is fine I’m not worried about that. She said just stick your arms through put it over your clothes for now. Really how much blood are you going to get from putting an iv in or even taking tubes after that. If it is way down in my hand. I could care less at that point i was comfortable in my clothes. If they got messed up i could replace them. He wasn’t caring he said leave them on it was fine.

She finally stuck it in my hand got it right away first try. Got everything she needed then said she was now going to give me the medication the doctor ordered. I ask what that was and she said zophran. I asked if he gave me anything for pain. She said no. I thought I might cry. She said this will keep you from getting sick and stop the stomach cramps. I said that isn’t the pain the pain is in my side no where near my stomach and this is not going to keep me from getting sick. I am getting sick from the pain until it is less or I finally get sick and empty my stomach I am going to be in there. She told me not to go to the bathroom to puke in this little bag she gave me. I can’t do that. It is so small the opening is as well i don’t want to sit there in the bed puking in front of everyone walking by or what.

Well the pain was getting worse and then the iv in my hand made it unable to really move or get comfortable. It was in my left hand the pain in my right side. I got up and was walking around beside my bed there. JW was telling me I needed to lay down not be moving so much. I couldn’t help it. I tried to put my arms on the table they roll up to the bed for you to use. I wanted to just lean on it it was against the wall. It was sticky and dirty. The floor in my room was nasty the trash running over into the floor. The one roll of toilet paper was nasty i threw it in the trash. So now I can’t touch the table to lean on try to help with pain. I am hooked to the iv can’t go to the bathroom i was getting man. I hit the call button this nurse or something came in. I told her I had to go to the bathroom. She unhooked the iv to let me go.

I did have to go so I did. I was still about to get sick so I stayed in there. I honestly at that point felt better squatting down holding on to the bars. It took weight or pressure off my side. No sooner than i turned around and went to stoop down I got sick. It went all over the seat. I felt bad but I was trying. I thought earlier I seen blood in it but then thought no it was just something I had eaten. Now i seen it better was sure that was what it was. At that point most everything had come up i turned and spit in the sink and it was just bright red blood. I already told him I needed someone he was right on the other side of the door it was cracked. The bathroom was in my room and i open the door some when I finished using the bathroom. He went to find my nurse she came in there. I told her and showed her.

She said to me, I told you to stay out of here and if you had to puke to do it in the bag. Nothing about why I am puking blood. Or anything. I was mad I said I had to go to the bathroom and it happen before I could get out of here. I was getting paper towels trying to wipe my face and clear my nose and throat from what just happen she is being nasty. She did say the doctor decided to order something for pain since your still sick. If you get back in bed I can go get it. If you had puked in the bag i could of had that tested to see what is going on or what is wrong. There are reasons we tell you to do things. I said well like I said I didn’t know I went to the bathroom didn’t make it out. I asked what he was giving me for pain she said morphine. I ask if they could give me anything else told her how i had it before and on does i itched for 3 days. They told me it was normal and a side effect. She said it is a side effect but it is not normal to itch 3 days later. I told her how it done me when I was in labor she said you’re allergic to it. I said that is what I thought but they told me no. She said no you are. They ordered something else and gave me.

That only took the pain from like a 15 to an 11. But it was tolerable. They took me for the ct right after that that lady was really nice. She did the scan came gave me the dye and did the next one. Then took me back to my room. They finally came in around 6 something and said it was my gallbladder like I already knew. That I had stones in there but they didn’t feel they needed to keep me and take it out but I needed to get it done right away. Sent me on my way. For the last 8 years I have had one stone they said would pass that didn’t. In 2017 I still had the one stone. Now they say stones. But send me home again.

We got home around 7 something I stripped my clothes off I felt so dirty from that room and getting sick. I laid down. JW took a shower and came laid down with me and when he did I went right to sleep. I never even heard him get up and get ready for work leave nothing. Poor JW drove me over there sat with me helped me brought me home and turned around and was at work by 845am. His friend from work picked him up since I couldn’t drive him he said. He worked a 12 hour day and came home. I ask him to please go in late get some sleep at least before he went if he wasn’t going to call in. That is what I thought he had done when he came and laid down. He said no he just laid down with me for a few to help me feel better. He fell a sleep for about an hour that was it. He had only slept an hour or two before we went to the hospital.

I laid in bed all day and slept off and on Friday. I got up and went to get my meds they gave me from the hospital that was hell just driving there and back. I laid right back down. JW got home I was sleeping. I got up took my blanket and pillow to the couch sat there with him talked to him for a bit. He heated himself up something to eat took a shower and we went to bed. I slept through the night.

Saturday he had his friend pick him up on the way to work. I stayed home in bed again. The pain isn’t all the time it comes and goes like contractions and that is what it feels like but over in my side and radiates out from there. I got ready and picked him up from work at 8. We stopped by the house so he could change and walk the dog. Then went up the road and had dinner. I felt to bad to mess with getting anything ready or to cook. I knew he wouldn’t feel like it coming home at 8 after a 12 hour shift. I had not eaten since dinner Thursday evening. I was so hungry. Scared to eat anything. I had a grilled chicken sandwich and corn instead of fries. It didn’t bother me.

We pretty much came home showered and went to bed. I took my pain pills they helped me sleep but i got up to use the bathroom can’t get back to sleep. I was awake most of Saturday night but feel a lot better today. We went washed clothes I got what I hope to be my last covid test. Then we stopped to get something to put on the grill. Now we are home relaxing. The pain comes and goes still and got a little bad when we were doing clothes. But I think because it was so hot in there and I got over heated. I walked outside to the truck got a drink and felt better.


{July 4, 2020}   So Far Gone

I have been dealing with a lot and blind sided by a lot the last month. Dealing with my depression on top of it I haven’t wanted to do anything but stay in my bed. I pretty much have. Other than going to work by to see J.W and that is about it. I have to force myself up and then physically hurt and feel sick all day and like I can’t keep my eyes open. By the time I go to bed at night I lay there toss, turn and dream all night and hardly sleep. I have tried going to bed earlier, later and even hooking the tv up. Nothing helps.

As bad as I have wanted to get on here and write I haven’t even been able to force myself. To do that. It’s just something else on my list of stuff to do. Yesterday I was so exhausted and overwhelm with everything, I just started crying on my drive home after work. I got to J.W’s job he was out front. He came over to talk for a minute. He open the door and was like what is wrong? All worried. Then we talked once he got off and we got to his house. I felt some better after we talked. Not better like everything is fine now or going to be alright. But just a release I guess of everything I have been dealing with and not dealing with that has been adding up. I did finally sleep last night. I woke up and was woken up a few times and dreamed some. But for the most part i slept and slept hard.

I didn’t get to see him or talk to him this morning. I had an 8 a.m at the clinic. It is closer to work than home and him. I could of stop on my way but it would of only been for seconds and that is it.  Not worth waking him up to come to the door and say hi and bye. Because that is all it would of been. That was a waste of time going to the clinic because I was the 2nd person there and signed in. They said computers were down but that was it. I figured they could give me my 9 months of pills anyway since they are filled and laying there. They do a test no computer needed just a cup pee and a stick. Then hand you the bag of pills. Well they start calling people to do their test. They took the one girl who was in front of me and then 3 who came after me. Then a lady comes out and says did they tell you the computers are down? I said so can they do anything or are we just waiting for them to come back up? She said no they couldn’t do anything they had to wait because all records are kept on the computer and not being able to see everything from before they can’t do anything. I waited until around 830 and left. I had to be at work in an hour I could of waited 30 more minutes or so. But even if I had they had not done anything for me and those other 4 were in front of me. So I would of been there well past time for me to be at work. I got to work about 45 minutes early and clocked in. That was that.

I called later to set up a new time told them I had left earlier and why. She said oh we got computers back about 9:15. So 15 minutes before I had to be at work. I am glad I hadn’t waited and left when I did. I am going late next Tuesday to work because I have to be at the place to get my eyes checked at 11:15. It is on the other end of the county from work and closer to home. It would make no since to go to just have to leave.

It has taken me 2 or 3 days just to write this. Friday was another shit show dealing with my “boss” i was so mad I left without even getting my purse. All I have done for days is cry or fight crying. I feel so alone and i dont even know what. Jw don’t get it. I don’t know how to explain it to him. I say I want to go to bed not get up he says go i need to rest. I say im dreading having to get up and function he laughs. I just want to lay down go to sleep and not wake up. I feel so far gone. I don’t even know if or how I can or will come through it or come out. I don’t really want to. I just want to be done. He says sorry. I just want to yell at him shut up you don’t fucking get it. But i know it isn’t his fault he is only trying to help.

I am so bad I don’t even want to go around him or talk to him. I have thought about telling him maybe we need to take a break. Or just forget it. At the same time i just want him to hold me and make me feel better.

I am so over this bitch in my house still have not gotten rid of here. Wish something would just happen or she would leave.  She brainwash the kids they are going to get sick die if they walk out of the house. I Don’t care im going to bring it home give it to them. Everything else. They are scared to get close to me. I don’t know how to get rid of her. I’ve tried everything. This virus bullshit don’t help.



{March 11, 2020}   H1N1 Or Swine Flu Has Struck

Friday Little Bitty got home from school and went straight to bed. They called said she as rolling around crying and upset saying her head, belly and throat hurt. I ended up taking off early and taking her to get checked. They said she did not test positive for the flu or strep just keep an eye on her. She spent all day Saturday in bed and all day Sunday. Sunday night, Monday morning she woke me up about every half hour to hour telling me to stop talking she was trying to sleep and didn’t feel good or other things that I could not even understand. Finally she woke me up about 7 something I felt her and she was hot. I took her temperature and it was 103. I gave her a drink and some Motrin and we finally went back to sleep and slept for about 4 hours straight. Her fever was back down and stayed around 100. By a bout 3 or so she was feeling really bad and asking to go back to the doctor. We got ready and I checked her temp again, it was still around 100 so I didn’t give her anything.

We get to the doctor about an hour away with evening traffic and things. We waited probably another hour to be seen they were so busy. We got back there they took her temp and it was 104. They were worried about it got her something to bring it back down again. They tested her again for the flu and it came back positive. There is really nothing they can do but give something for fever get her to drink and give her something to keep her from getting sick. Because I was having to give her something to keep her from puking about twice a day but only like in the evening and at night. By that point I had done gave it to her in the morning and then again in the early afternoon.

She is out of school until Monday and that is our Spring break so she is out for two weeks before she can go back. I feel so bad for her she is so miserable and just cries she don’t feel good and can’t breath because her nose is stopped up and she feels sick and going to puke. Yesterday she refused the medication to keep her from puking and said she thought it would be better if she just puked than taking something to keep it from happening. But she couldn’t even because she has hardly eaten anything since Thursday night. She finally took the medication so she wasn’t dry heaving all after noon and could rest.

The doctor said she wasn’t worried about if she was eating or not but she needs to make sure she drinks. She said she wants her to have three 16 oz bottles a day but she may not get that in. That rule of thumb with her being sick is she has to go to the bathroom once every 6 hours or she has to go straight to the er and get iv fluids to keep her from getting dehydrated.

{December 30, 2019}   Let’s Get This Day Started

Well the work part of it anyway. Truth is my day stated over 6 hours ago with a lovely mommy, mommy wake up I don’t feel good, my belly hurts really bad. Then Little Bitty doubled over in pain and crying. Followed by three rounds of puking in 45 minutes or less. Poor baby girl was scared to death the first time. I gave her a bucket thing we had there so she didn’t have to have her face all in the toilet and she could sit she was hurting so bad. She got sick and there was something red in it. She freaked out started crying there’s blood, there’s blood. I was half a sleep didn’t know what she was talking about or saying at first then figured it out. It wasn’t but she was panicked because she thought it was.

After she was sick she said her stomach felt a lot better. She laid back down to try and go to sleep. She said maybe like the other week when you were sick I’m just going to get sick once and will be okay now. But in no time she was back up and sick again. After the 2nd time I started getting her ready to go to the hospital. We got almost to the hospital and she started getting sick in the car. We just threw the bucket away when we got there. We went in and there was a lady with her little boy that just got there as we did and got in before we did. She had a little boy that was sick coughing and things. They got him straight back and said they would come to get her in a few minutes.

Why we were sitting there she started crying in pain again and doubled over. They finally took her back. They said they were going to probably swab her for flu and get blood and things. I heard them talking to the lady with the little boy in the room over from us. They were telling her right away that he wasn’t going home they would be keeping him. They were going to do test and things on him there and send him out to one of the children’s hospitals. I was worried because he was getting sick in the waiting room.

The doctor finally came in and checked her out, he pushed all over her stomach and she didn’t even flinch. But said it was hurting. she didn’t even want me to touch her back she said it hurt so bad and was telling me to ask them not to push on her belly because she hurt so bad. Then laid there like nothing. The doctor told her he was going to get her to give him a urine sample before he did any other test and traumatize her. He said with little girls that little, They don’t always clean their self like they should and will cause UTI. He told her he was going to give her something so she didn’t get sick anymore and then some juice and crackers. The nurse came and got the sample and gave her the medication. About 730 they gave her crackers and juice and she held it down. They let us go home. he called her in medication to take to keep her from getting sick anymore. He said give it to her at lunch time and wait 20 or 30 minutes then let her have soup, crackers, things like that the next 24 hours.

I didn’t get to work until 11, I had to go home and get a shower, I went to bed early laid there awake until after 12 then was up with her at 530. I had plan to take one this morning but wasn’t going to take one before I took her because she got sick so much and I figured I would probably end up with puke on me as well before it was over. But I felt to gross not to take one before i came to work. I ran in took a shower why oldest got ready then we ran to the store and I came to work.

My friend I have been talking to messaged and asked if we were okay if she was alright. He told me to stop by his job on my way to work. I messaged and asked if he needed or wanted anything from the little store. He said a Mt. Dew. I took him that and stopped in he gave me a carton full of fried shrimp, I had said I was hungry. Oh my goodness it was so good. I have already eaten most of it.

I told Little Bitty to relax in bed today so that she hopefully don’t give it to anyone else. I told her she could play her tablet, light bright and stable there on the bed. She has more than enough room. We would watch our show together if she was still awake when I get there tonight. I hope that she is fine and feeling better tomorrow.

I wanted to stay home with her but I am missing my night job tomorrow because I am working my day job and they are working in the morning tomorrow. Then I am missing both jobs Thursday. So that would leave me missing 4 days of work basically if I was to miss today too. That is almost my full paycheck from my day job this week. I figure as long as she don’t puke anymore then she should be okay, not a lot I could do even if I was there other than just sitting there with her. I want to be but we need the money right now. With all the holidays and missed time already.

{December 2, 2019}   More Cancer

Bff called Friday and we were talking. She said I have to tell you something I don’t know what to do or how to handle it. You can’t tell anyone or say anything about anything. I said I’m not what is it? She said sleeping beauty has cancer. I said I knew something was wrong he had something. I told her a few weeks ago he had something she said oh no she had been to the doctor they tested him for AIDS and everything. I said I am telling you he has something he knows it. He made the comment to me to many times he was scared and what he has and what was wrong with him. She kept saying no and she been at the hospital with him they told her everything and talked to him she was right there.

She said that he told them at the hospital not to say any thing to her or in front of her. HIPAA keeps them from saying anything. Just like she said they treated him like a druggie and hardly gave him anything for pain. I said because they seen what he was a mile away and then they did a drug test on him to prove it and it told them everything they already knew. But again they couldn’t tell you.

She said he just told his family Thanksgiving about the cancer and that his mom had taken him to some doctors appointments already. I said he needs to go back up there with his mom and let her take care of him and take him where he needs to go and things. I said you don’t need to take on taking care of him and having to take off and take him all over the place. It sucks but he has done nothing but take advantage of  you for over a year now and still doing it. She of course says yeah I know. In other words yeah she knows but she isn’t going to do it and will probably end up being his care taker until whatever happens. Putting herself in more of a jam and at this point maybe losing her job. Because what I have heard from a few people between him and a guy at work she has already been in trouble and written up.

I don’t know it is bad but what can you say or do and the fact that he is sick now does not change all that he has done until now. I hate to see anything happen to him but it isn’t other’s place to take care of him when he has done nothing to take care of himself all this time and done nothing but used people and still using them.

She told me the other week he was working with the dumb ass that worked at the shop with us who messed the breaks up on my truck. I thought he would of been smart enough to get paid right away so that he would get paid. Then she tells me when we are talking about all this that nope he has worked weeks or maybe months now and has not been paid and that the dumb ass is saying he is waiting for this and that and to be paid so he hasn’t paid him. I said oh well then your both lost your mind if you really think he is going to get paid anything at this point. I said you both know him very well and know if he did not get paid when the work was done you aren’t going to get paid. I said he is the most lying, scamming coning pos out there. Well he is going to be pay pal this weekend and give him some money. I said yeah don’t hold your breath. She is waiting for this to help buy Christmas. Oh well she wants to be stupid about things and do all this knowing what she knows and been told and after everything that has happen that is on her. She said his family said she is the only one that hasn’t given up on him blah, blah. How is mom babied him and this is why he is the way he is. I said she is right, this is what i have said to you for how long now? You and her both baby him and enable him. I said there is a difference in being there and not giving up and enabling and being used. I said and all you have done is allow yourself to be used. She started with well he is good for the kids…..I said no he isn’t, what is he teaching x her son? That he don’t have to work to just find a women who does and that will let him live off of them? That he can do his drugs and treat them how ever he wants? I said at least his dad worked and taught him to get off his ass and work for what you want and to make away for himself. I said this one is undoing that and you have no one but your self to blame for that. I said what is he teaching your youngest daughter who just loves him and he has “helped” so much as you say? What that she is supposed to work her ass off to take care of a grown man that refuses to work and pay his way? Then if something happens to him to keep paying his way and then take care of him as well?

Of course she is all yeah but blah. blah. I said I’m not the only one that has said this to you and you know what everyone is saying is right. She said yeah, her older “son” as she calls him the one from the shop that lived with them keeps asking her why he is there and that she needs to get him out of there and everything. I said well he is right.

et cetera
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