{April 3, 2019}   To Scared To Be Alone

I was talking to Bff after she got off work a little bit ago and she said she had heard from Sleeping Beauty again and he was working. I guess since he couldn’t get in or a ride home. That he is so tired and he is hungry. So she is taking him lunch. Said she called him he told her he was driving he would message her when he stopped.

I said um wait a minute he is working, he is out driving around in the company truck, so he is passing by stores and places to get something to eat. Why are you driving across town to take him lunch? He takes the truck anywhere he wants to go even the car lot where I worked knowing his boss and them don’t get a long or he isn’t supposed to be there for whatever reason when he is on the clock and in the company truck. But he can’t stop at the little store the fast food place or something and get something to eat. I call bullshit.

She said probably because he don’t have no money to get anything. I gave him money the other day. I said wait, wait a minute what are you talking about you gave him money? She said so he had money for lunch and drinks. I said why? She said I don’t know he didn’t have any. I said he gets paid Friday for one job and he gets paid Monday or Tuesday for the other. You are telling me you gave him money on Monday or Tuesday is when you gave him money. Where was his? Hum I don’t know she says. I said again why are you giving him money anyway? He isn’t paying you to be there or anything. She said because I was stupid for a minute. I said yeah I would say so.

Buy then I started thinking what is he making and how much money has he had this month that he has been there? I said he is making at least $10 at the one job when he does that and I know he makes more at the other but…. She said he makes $15 when he does the houses. I said okay so he is working full time 40 or more hours a week making at least $10 an hour. I said he is “working late” all these nights here and there. So he is making more then.

I said lets do this, lets say he is working only 35 hours a week just to make it easy and that he is only making the $10 an hour. So that would be $350 a week. That would be $1400 a month and they are not taking taxes out. So he has had $1400 since he has been at your house. He says he gave his mom $200 to get his brother out of jail. She said he spent $78 taking them all to dinner the other night. He spent $20 the day we went out. oh he spent more he bought some things at the other store too probably $50 or so I forgot about.  I said okay lets say he has spent $500 this month why he was there. That leaves him with $900 for the month he should still have in his pocket right now. I said even if he spent $100 or two more even. Keep in mind we are already undercut what he made by a lot since we didn’t account for $15 an hour when he works doing houses instead of the lot and we only figured him at 35 hours a week not 40. But just working with the numbers we are using that leaves $225 a week in his pocket. Where is that $225 right now for this week? Where is that $900 that he should have from the rest of the month? Then I hear her and she is thinking. She is like I don’t know. I said I do I think it is right up his nose. That is why you have seen such a change in him and the way he acts and doing. She said it isn’t even like I know him anymore. I said yep that is how it is. I said $225 is a lot and really he is doing more than $225 worth in a week that is worse. I said what are you going to do when he don’t get up one morning or from his nap and you go to wake him up and he don’t get up? Or worse what if one of your kids go in there and can’t get him up? Then what? She didn’t say anything trying to change the subject.

Then she tells me that her friend was on her about getting him out of there. She said you know who is all over me about having him here? She told me. Said he was telling her what are you doing why is here there what are you thinking you need to get him out of there and away from your kids. Said he told her this isn’t the her he knows and that if they were somewhere and someone was just smoking pot she had a fit and things. I said um hum thank you all the same I have been saying to you. He telling her it is going to get bad and that she needs to get him out before something happens that she don’t know what she is setting herself up for with having him there and everything he is doing and everything she is going through and dealing with. I said hello and why aren’t you listening I’m not the only one telling you.

She said she was talking to Sleeping Beauty the other day and something was said he said you’er listening to everyone else aren’t you. Then today he said something about her talking to me and ask her if I was there last night I guess when she was talking to him and things. She said no why. He said because something she said and then he got a message from me. I sent this picture to him an inside joke between us. He never replied.

She says I wonder why he don’t like us talking? Because he always made comments about us talking when he was at my house too. I said because like you said because like you said, he knows your naive and sheltered and he knows he can slide things by you and things. He knows I’m not that easy to slide things by and that if you say something or tell me something I’m going to be like but wait this or that. Like I have been.

I honestly think that she is scared to be there alone. She is the one that won’t go anywhere at night if she does she has me or someone on the phone with her the whole time driving there back and everything. She just don’t want to be alone over all. She has never been alone. She has been with her husband since she was 15. She has never been on her own and out on her own or done anything on her own. She is doing pretty good taking care of things but to be there all the time with the kids and no having anyone I think scares her. She has already been telling me how they have been with everything going on and how she don’t want to deal with it and things. Sleeping Beauty making comments and saying things to her about not dealing with things and not handling things she needs to or how she should and letting things go or not doing anything about stuff because she don’t want to deal with it. He is right there and me and her have talked about it before. She is seeing now that things she has done with them growing up has come back to  bit her in the ass now and she says you always said and now look. I said but you can still fix it but you have to put your foot down and fix it now keep letting it go or keep giving in because you can’t deal with this or that they do. If they do this or that that just mean that they now have to do something else on top of whatever they are already doing because they are keeping on.

He is helping her, like he helped when he first came to my house with the kids and things. But he has started some problems with the kids now too and they go back and forth on rather they like him or not, like a few of mine did. But he is stressing her the hell out and the not paying when he is making the money and watching her trying to work it all out and then to say he will start paying once she gets old boss out of the house and he can’t come back there anymore. I said wait where does he get off telling you when he will start paying you wen he is staying with you in your house? I said he should be helping from the start, if he had went down the street to friends house he would be paying all this time what is the difference? I said he didn’t pay the one week or so he was at my house because he wasn’t working then he started paying me when he started working until that week he left he left then without paying me. I said so what he is saying is he is going to take a free ride on you because if he paid you and you had the money he is sending you then you could be saving money and have money to do more with. I said it is non of his business if you let him come back when you tell him it is over he isn’t coming back or can’t come back or anything like that. That is between the two of you. I said it sure the hell isn’t his place to move into your house and tell you he will start paying you when he is ready and how things have to be before he starts paying you. She was like I don’t know it’s just what he said. I said and you are going along with it and letting him. That is why he is doing what he is doing and why he is acting the way he is. Because you let him and you don’t say anything. He made the comment to her that he isn’t going anywhere she told him today she thought he was going to pack his stuff and leave today when she was at work because of things that were said between them the last few days said he told her he already told her he wasn’t going anywhere.

I am with her other friend she needs to really think about what she is doing and how she goes about things. She is not thinking clear with everything going on and she is causing herself more problems than it is worth. All she has done today when I talk to her is bitch about him. I said if he is causing you this much stress why are you letting him stay? It isn’t hard tell him to leave. Why are you letting him stress you out so bad over shit he has no right to say anything about and no business getting into? Tell him this isn’t working you got to go. She says I know I know and I feel sorry for him. I said you can’t feel sorry for him. She said I want to see him do good and do better. I said yeah me too but he can’t treat people like this until he decides to and he may never decide to at this point. I said I know he wants better but he isn’t doing anything to have better.

I said he needs $7000 to get his drivers license back if he took that $900 and put toward that then he would only owe $6100 to get it back. But no where is it? No one knows he can’t tell you and won’t even talk about it if you point it out and ask. It would be a fight. She again I don’t know and all this. I said I do we all do you do too it’s up his nose. Again his not a problem is a problem when he is spending that kind of money on it and doing that much of it and he has nothing to show for it. Nothing at all to show for it. We aren’t talking $10, $50, $90 or even a couple $100 in a month to show for. We all spend money here and there and have nothing to show for it. But you don’t spend $900 or more a month and have nothing to show for it when you have no bills or anything else to account for paying either.

Something else he said really pissed me off I said WTF are you talking about I said now I am ready to come throw him out and kick your ass too. She said oh well then. I said no really because now this is really not right that is messed up and this is not right I am not the only one telling you that, others are telling you that and this isn’t like you. I said others are coming up and telling you what he is doing and just like before they are right. I said when he came to my house I wasn’t sure what to believe or who to believe because I didn’t know any of them very well, they were all at each others throat and talking shit about what the other one was doing. But then it all came to light and we figured out that they weren’t lying about everything. They were right he was doing this. When I found out and figured it out I went straight and confronted him and that is when he decided to leave.

She said he was telling her different things and just being nasty or mean. I said yeah he didn’t get that way with me until after he had left. But he knew I wasn’t going to let that kind of shit fly I would say something right there when he said something. When he got mad at me and started calling me bitch this and i said shut up and I said this and do this and don’t do that you need to stop and things. Was when I sent him all the messages after he left the way he did. I said well I had something to say and since you want to run from your problems like you do I am going to have my say. You had yours so now I am having mine. That is the only time he has ever really gotten nasty with me. It was both of us because I should of left him alone but he should of sat down and had a conversation with me not done the things he did the way he did.

I am with her friend the way he is doing and what he is on he shouldn’t be there like I been telling her. I bet her friend don’t know how much he is really doing either or I bet he would really be on her ass way more than he is now. He is like me help someone but don’t be stupid. She is being stupid right now. I am going to talk to her tonight we are all going out. I am going to tell her look we got to talk you got to stop and think about what you are doing. Try make her see this is not a good situation

{August 17, 2018}   Looking For Something To Do

Laying here trying to decide what to do. I just got home from Bff’s house. I picked the girls up after work and went over for a bit. As I was leaving there my mother called said she was ready to be picked up in a little bit. She stayed at my sisters last night. I was really hoping she was going to stay there tonight too since I had not heard from her already. I already told the kids I may get called back into work tonight.

I am trying to decide what I am going to do or want to do. I just want a break get out of the house a bit. I don’t really have money to do anything so nothing big. Just go sit at the river or walk the beach.

I messaged Sleeping Beauty and told him he should go to the beach tonight. He didn’t respond back but he is at work who knows what he is doing. That was about 12 something. I messaged him when I was getting ready to leave bff’s house he hasn’t read it. I have to go to the store and go get my mother. Then decide what I am going to do or where to go. I want to drink, I don’t know why. I just do. I could go up the street to this place I go once in awhile. I probably spend $3/$4 drink for free after that. Thats not a good idea because I may not stop and that wouldn’t be good. I may just go walk the beach by myself. I don’t like to but it would probably be good for me.

I am just tired of the only people I really see and talk to being whoever is at work, most the time I am alone, or here at home. And even when me and bff talk and things its different anymore. I need other single people to hang out with and talk to. But aren’t all about partying and going out all the time.


{August 13, 2018}   Change One Thing In Your Life

If you could change one thing in your life what would it be?


A friend asked me this the other night. I wouldn’t be single. I would find that one person that I was meant to be with and work on building our future together.


So what would you change if you could change one thing? Comment and share.

{May 1, 2018}   Wow, Powerful

For the woman whose husband makes an “extra stop” after work every evening.
For the woman who is mourning the loss of a pregnancy that nobody else knew about.
For the woman who was fired for her fourth tardy because she has been awake for a straight week with a sick child.
For the single mom who doesn’t know how the utilities are going to stay on this month.
For the woman who has gone through 2 IVF’s and has tried for five years without success but still shows up to every baby shower for her friends.
For the woman who still hasn’t forgiven herself for the abortion that she had 20 years ago.
For the woman who has a line of judging eyes at her and her children as she slides her ebt card at the grocery store.
For the woman that opens the door to the news of her husband being killed overseas three weeks before he was to return home.
For the woman that lives a with a quiet anxiety because nobody understands what you could possibly stressed about.
For the woman that gives to her family all day- everyday and just.needs.a.break.
For the woman that smiles at strangers all day in public- but weeps silently every night.
For the woman that heard the rumor about herself at church today.
For the woman sleeping next to a stranger every night.
For the woman whose genetics will never allow her to look like the ones in the magazines.
For the woman that endures one broken relationship after another because there was no father around to teach her what love looks like.
For the woman raising a fatherless daughter and praying that history doesn’t repeat itself.
For every single woman that cries in the shower so that nobody else can see. Because if you aren’t strong-nobody is.
Just because the water washes your tears doesn’t mean that you don’t cry.
I am you. I see you. I am with you, I cry with you.

{December 2, 2017}   Truth Bomb Mom, Don’t Settle

Loved this video when I seen it yesterday.

{November 27, 2017}   A Night At The Beach

The kids have been on my nerves today, I was so tired and had to just get out for a while. I cooked dinner and and was working on my school work. My friend messaged me and I talked to him for a little bit. I told him I was running away I had to get out for a while. He asked where I was going I told him I didn’t know and ask if he wanted to go. He said yeah to let him know when I got ready to leave he would get ready. I finished everything told the kids I was going to get the stuff for lunches and look for a gift I needed to pick up.

I picked him up and we rode around for a little bit. I then went and parked by the pear, we went and walked down the beach and talked, we sat down and talked for a while longer and left. We talked about a little bit of everything and just joked around mostly. We were walking back down the beach and some how age came up and he said how old are you anyway? I told him 37 in December. He said whoa what? I said yep how old did you think I was? He said I don’t know at least like closer to 40. I laughed and ask him how old he was? He said he was 44, I thought he was 43 so I really wasn’t surprised.

After that we went to the store and walked around shopped and talked. I said something to him about what he wanted in life what he wanted to do in life? He said the store wasn’t really the place to have that talk. I said why not we are just walking around talking. He said well I don’t really have plans I don’t have anyone to make them with I don’t like doing things on my own or alone. I said you have to get use to doing things on your own and just live make your plans and then figure out what you want once you meet someone. He didn’t say much after that.

After we left the store he asked me to stop at the place so he could grab something to eat. We ended up sitting there in line forever. I said something to him about what he wanted again he said I don’t have like set plans to do this or that or anything that I want to do. He said I just want to find someone to be with who isn’t going to leave and who isn’t going to be in it for what they can get and just walk away. He said I want someone who knows what a relationship is and is supposed to be and what love mean because it seems that no one knows what that means anymore or what it is to be in a relationship with one person. I said yeah I know how that is. He said I get with someone and I just do and do and give and give and forget about myself and then I end up alone in the end. He said I am tired of being alone I just want to be with someone and enjoy my life. He has been married twice I know and then I think the last girl he was with he was with for a little while. But I am not sure what happen between them.

We talked some more and I took him and dropped him off. I am supposed to pick him up after I drop the kids off at school tomorrow. For some reason he got a text from the boss saying not to come in tomorrow. He asked me if I knew what it was about I told him no I didn’t. He said he didn’t either, because he knew there was work to be done. The only thing I could think of was maybe because he was sick the other day and they don’t want him coming to the shop and making everyone sick but I don’t know.

{April 7, 2017}   Starting To Think It’s True

{July 30, 2016}   She Won’t Marry Him

I took my friend to the hospital Thursday night late, she needed to go I was in the middle of homework that was due that night I knew if I stopped to take her we wouldn’t be back in time. I told her I would take her when I got done if she wanted to go. It wasn’t like she needed to go right that minute or anything just some problems she been having that she had been for but wasn’t getting better. She wasn’t able to go to the doctor for. I figured I be done earlier than I was, I knew we would get back later, but plenty of time for me to get some sleep and things before court. Well it took me a lot longer than I expected to do the paper and we didn’t get there until later, I didn’t get home until after 5. I got an hour or so sleep and at the court house by 9:45.

We were talking on the way over and RC came up. She said I asked him if he ever married Grandma the other night? She said I really didn’t mean to I just put it without thinking.

The girl he is with now is like two years older than me so she is 38 years old. When I seen pictures of her almost 4 years ago I thought she was in her 40’s then. When we split up they got together and he brought her down here and his friends and our friends seen them together they all started asking me how old she was and though she was well into her 40’s. They were all shocked she was only about 33/34 at the time. She his a heavy drinker, into coke and other drugs pretty bad. Then her last old man all but killed her. He tries to say him beating her up so bad is why she looks so old but you can look at her and tell that it is the drugs and drinking. Anyone who has dealt with long term drinkers and addicts knows what it does to the body and how much it can change you.

She said he said Grandma? She said you know the girl your living with the one that looks like a grandma. She said well I had already said it, it was to late to try and cover it up at that point. I said you could have said this or that and covered it up. She said hell I don’t care it’s the truth. She said he laughed and said no she won’t marry him and that he wants to leave and come home, what was the point in being with her if she wasn’t going to marry him. He said but he didn’t know what to do about “His kids” that are there. HIS KIDS? really HIS KIDS. There is only one kid there that is really his kid and he has been with them all this time if things are as bad as he says they are and as bad as everyone can read about and see they are on line he would have no problem going to court and getting custody of her. The others are not his kids, there isn’t a chance of them being his kids. Two of them she had before they ever got together, one is 18 the other is in her 20 with a baby of her own and don’t live there. Then she has the little girl that is theirs and one after her that he wasn’t around for that she had after him and her split up and before they got back in contact and got together, she is about 6 or 7 I think maybe a little older. If it is really that bad for the only other one there that is under age then he needs to report it and let someone check it out and do what needs to be done. I know he may care about her and things but for him to act like he is so worried about this kid that isn’t his after the way he has done with his other 4 just got me. I said to her I would have said your kid she isn’t even yours what about the 4 that really are your you have nothing to do with?

Then she tells him she told him that I was still single!! I said you did what? Why? She said I have been trying to get you to back together all this time even when me and you weren’t talking. She said I make comments about you all the time when he is talking about how bad things are and wanting to leave. She said I told him you weren’t with anyone said he seemed surprised and said really? She told him yeah I was single and hadn’t been seeing anyone. She said he didn’t really say anything after that and got off line.

I was surprised that he was surprised to find that out because I know for a long time even after he left he was talking to someone here that was telling him things and he was still keeping tabs on me. Comments would be made about him and things that he knew or things he said or done that if someone wasn’t talking to him they wouldn’t know and he wouldn’t know. I wondered if it wasn’t someone who worked with Father Of The Year since they both had worked at the same place just not together. Most everyone there knew RC and knew that we had been together and knew that Father of the Year was my ex husband. They had made comments to him off and on that I found to be odd. He didn’t think anything of them but I don’t think he was thinking about the fact that they knew both of them and things. Knowing that they both worked there and that they all knew both of them and knew or knew of me then they seemed a little off. But lots of things have to be spelled out for Father Of The Year or they go right over his head like a speeding bullet.

I don’t even know why it is so important to him that she marries him anyway. We talked about it and he wanted to get married but we had to get things taken care of first and he had to take care of the back child support he was paying before we could. I told him I didn’t want to get married he insisted that he did. I told him that I would marry him but he had to change his last name to mine I wasn’t changing mine again after I got my divorce. He said no way in hell he was doing that. He said it was like buying a motorcycle and riding bitch. I know with us he was worried about all the kids and wanted me to adopt his so we would have needed to be. He was also worried about if something happen to one of us and being able to make decisions for each other if one of us couldn’t for our self and family stepping in and not doing what we would have wanted done. If we were married we could make sure that the other ones wishes were carried out if need be. But like I said we had so much we needed to take care of it was just put on the back burner to be talked bout once we could legally do it if we wanted to and not have any problems. Honestly I was really thinking about it and coming around to the idea. I knew it wasn’t something that we could rush into and felt that in a few years when things were settled down if we were still together at that point and going good I would consider it. After everything that happen with him kind of sealed the deal that I don’t ever want to no matter what anymore.


{January 19, 2014}   Cold Days

Long cold lonely days, turn into even longer colder lonelier nights.

{October 15, 2013}   TO ALL THE SINGLE LADIES

Love Oprah and so much of this hit close to home. Too much on my mind to go into details maybe another post.



If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn’t want you, nothing can make him stay. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache. Don’t try to change yourself for a relationship that’s not meant to be. Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can’t “be friends”. A friend wouldn’t mistreat a friend. Don’t settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. Don’t stay because you think “it will get better.” You’ll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better. The only person you can control in a relationship is you. Avoid men who have a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn’t marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently? Always have your own set of friends separate from his. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later. You cannot change a man’s behavior. Change comes from within. Don’t EVER make him feel he is more important than you are. Even if he has has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less. Never let a man define who you are. Never borrow someone else’s man. If he cheated with you, he’ll cheat on you. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you. All men are NOT dogs. You should not be the one doing all the bending… Compromise is two way street. You need time to heal between relationships. There is nothing cute about baggage… Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship. You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you. A relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals. Look for someone complimentary… not supplementary. Dating is fun… Even if he doesn’t turn out to be Mr. Right. Make him miss you sometimes… When a man always know where you are, and you’re always readily available to him ~ he takes it for granted. Never move into his mother’s house. Never co-sign for a man. Don’t fully commit to a man who doesn’t give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others. Scared of being alone is what makes a lot of women stay in relationships that are abusive or hurtful: Dr. Phil says… You should know that: You’re the best thing that could ever happen to anyone and if a man mistreats you, he’ll miss out on a good thing. If he was attracted to you in the 1st place, just know that he’s not the only one. They’re all watching you, so you have a lot of choices. Make the right one. Ladies take care of your own hearts.. ♥

By: Oprah Winfrey


et cetera
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