{February 15, 2019}   A Long Two Days

Yesterday I started the day off taking the little kids to the doctor and being an hour and half late for work. The little kids have had a cold for a little over a week now. I keep telling them it is just a cold or vires everyone at the lot has had it and it just has to run it’s course. They act fine other than a cough. Well Monday night we were going to bed and big boy said it hurt to breath and he really didn’t feel good. I decided I would get up and take them to the doctor then drop them at school and go to work.

We got to the doctor at 8:45 and didn’t leave until after 10. By then they were already having lunch at school, I would of had to take them get them lunch or take them home get them lunch then go and I would of been later to work. They would of gotten to school with not much time left. Not really been worth it. I took them dropped them off at home and went to work.

When I got to the doctor they hit me with a $90 bill that had to be paid. Father of the Year said he was going to pay it. I know I am stupid for thinking he was or did. I really didn’t think he was but thought maybe something that big he might and I have so much other stuff to deal with I forgot to follow up on it and he hasn’t had to go so. I paid that and missed work. Over $100 gone that was for other things that needed to be taken care of. It just never ends

They finally see the doctor and they have double ear infections. At no time has either of them said they can’t hear or their ears hurt or anything like that. Mom of the year over here. Well she said little bitty had double infection and that Little guy was on his way any day he was full of fluid and clogged up. So she was treated them both.

Then this morning I go get in the truck and I am waiting for Oldest to come out so we can go to the store before I go to work. She runs out to the truck and says I need to come inside something was wrong with the dog. I go in she got up from being a sleep all night stood up pooped in the floor and fell down. Had her foot in the poop and wasn’t moving. I sat down in front of her and talked to her and tried to get her to get up and things and she would. finally I got her up and into the truck but she was still walking around like she was drunk or something. She got in laid her head on the back of the seat and just sat there wouldn’t move or look at us nothing. I took her to this Vet place that is supposed to help when you don’t have the money to pay and let you make small payments until you get it paid off. They said they were operating they wouldn’t see her or help me.

I ended up taking her to our vet and they said they were getting ready to go into surgery but they would fit us in. We waited an hour or more it was like 9 when we got there. I had to tell them at work I was going to be late again. They just said no problem. I said I am going to be late when it rains it pours.

We finally got in to see the vet and she checked her all out and said she thinks she had a seizures. They said they could do blood work that would be $150 in addition to the office visit. They agreed that it would be okay to just watch her for a bit and see if she did it anymore and decide from there. They said the type of dog she is, are known to have them and them to just come on out of the blue. I am just watching her and seeing what happens from here because I don’t have $150 to spend to be told she is fine and we really think she is even the vet said she thinks she is okay. The blood work is just the first step in looking for anything that maybe wrong.

last night I get home and little bitty is in tears telling me her leg hurts. I look at it and move it around and see nothing wrong with it and she says she has not hurt it in anyway at home or school. I take her and lay down I can see she is tired and figure she is over sensitive because she is. We prop it up and she falls asleep in a little bit. About 1 in the morning she wakes up hysterical crying it hurts and can’t stand or walk on it. I look at it again and still see nothing at all wrong. Where she says it hurts is really weird as well, she says it hurts on the top of her leg mid way down her shin. Right on the top it is the bone there. When I say Little Bitty she is tiny so you can feel the bone very easily and if there was a broken I think you could see or feel something off. She is only like 32lbs at almost 6. I get her dressed and take her to get it looked at. I figure if she is still this way today or I wait until today I am going to take her to he doctor she is going to send us to the hospital for x rays because she can’t do them in office. I am going to have to wait there for hours and who knows how long at the hospital then for the test. Miss most today of work if not all day and be late if I didn’t miss. I have been late the last two days. I can’t do this. I decide to cut the middle man and all the running around. Take her to the ER hope they are not busy and let them xray it and see if something is wrong.

We got there and they were not busy at all hardly. They got us right back ordered the xray and sent us on our way. We were in a room 35 minutes I think is all and in the waiting room maybe 20 I think it was more like 10. We were back home again. they said nothing wrong broken, fractured or sprang, she should be fine with in a few day. If not then to take her to the bone doctor and let them check her out and see what they want to do from there.

I am at work now and I am so tired I could just put my head down on the desk and go to sleep. I am really fighting not to. The guys were already gone on the road when I got her this morning and Pop’s called and said he had the tv guy coming out this morning he was going to be there between 11 and 12 so he wasn’t sure how long it would take him or when he would be in. Its not a big deal it is slow we have not had anyone come in yet today and everything from yesterday is dome. There wouldn’t be anything for him to do if he did come in. I am about to take everything off my desk and clean it. There are stacks of papers all over. Some mine some theirs and some for the shop. There is a little bit of everything from everywhere and the dust or what from them working is thick. I didn’t realize how bad it was on my desk until right before I was going home yesterday. They have this thin rubber like film over the keyboard on the computer and I seen something on it, I went to get it off and noticed it was where something scratched it like. It was a mark in the dust stuff. I am going to take it off wash it and put it back and organize all these papers and everything else and find a home for it all. My desk is the collect all for everything from mail to paperwork and things the guys need to take care of. Since we have the one computer we all use everything collects around it.

That has been my week from Wednesday to this morning so far. I just want to hit the pause button on the world for a few hours so I can sleep and get caught back up. in the last 48 hours I have worked 20 and spent about 6 at the doctors and only about 8 sleeping. It is no wonder I am so tired. Little Bitty has been hell on wheels and I been in tears a couple times dealing with her. I need a vacation away from everything.

You know I am use to only getting a few hours sleep each night or what. But it is different when I am laying in bed and can’t sleep than when I am going, going, going and can’t relax at least. Lately I am going to bed with a couple hours left to sleep and crashing but it isn’t good sleep because I am not relaxing I am just crash up and go again until I crash again. where a lot of nights I will lay there for hours before I fall a sleep but I will do things on line or talk to a friend or with the kids or something. Not stressing.

It is late in the afternoon and I still have not gotten up. I have been laying here in my bed doing stuff on my phone off and on for hours. I was going to get up about an hour ago and all of a sudden I could not hold my eyes open if I wanted to. Mr. 7 was in here laying on the bed talking to me he kept saying are you awake. We finished he went to play and I fell a sleep and slept hard the short time I did sleep. I didn’t hear anything going on. So weird considering I slept last night pretty decent. Guess my body is trying to catch up on all the sleep I haven’t been getting lately.

Needless to say I didn’t get to talk to the owners about getting my truck fixed. I really didn’t want to take the bus out there and back or make that walk either. Its so hot out and it really takes a lot out of me. When I get to work I am so beat and can’t think of stuff or remember things. I just drag all day.

I hope he is there tomorrow when I get there and I can talk to him. I am going to ask if they are going to be there tomorrow let them know I would like to talk to one or both of them. See what time they will be there so I can get an early bus out there get there on time.

I am craving bread again. The last two days I have been eating cheese garlic bread. I am not sure why. I eat a few slices of the big toast slices and I am good. But I know its bad since I have been losing weight. I will probably gain now. It might be the things I have been eating I am not getting something I need thats why I am craving it. I was craving something else odd the other day too. I should probably start taking vitamins or eating better meals.

Guess I better go to the store. I wanted to put something in the crockpot but I am not going to have time now probably.

{January 7, 2015}   Vertigo
After I made sure my dad was doing ok and didn’t really need help with much and that they weren’t going to induce her until today I had father of the year to come and get me. I needed to get something done here at the house. We went to meat market and was supposed to get my tag I still haven’t gotten my tag. I had other stuff to take care of and had to take my big boy to see the therapist because he is having a hard time coping I can tell. When you try to talk to him about it he says can we just stop talking about this now or puts his hands over his ears. Plus he got out to see my dad when they picked me up and seen he was doing so much better than what he was the night before. He said oh I’m so glad to see grandpa doing better. He has to understand that he may have good days but he is going to have bad days too and that it is going to get to where the bad out do the good and he isn’t going to be here any more. They talked some and we were set to go back for our normal time today but things happen and we couldn’t.
When we went in to see the therapist she got done with the other people they left and she came out was talking to us. The boys jumed up to go in the other room I told them to sit down I wanted to go in and talk to her a minute first. We went in I told her everything so she knew what had been going on. She said I knew it had to be really bad for you to ask to come before his normal day and say you would keep both days. She said I don’t think you have ever asked to come two days. After I told her what was going on why we were there we told the boys they could come in. Father of the year was with us and he came in and sat down. We were all sitting on the floor we always do she dose too. It works better for her and the kids she is working with.
Right after they all came in and sat down I felt really funny. Everything go supper blurry I was really dizzy I guess you would say. It was like someone had a hold of my head and shaking it as hard as they could back and forth. Everything was moving. I couldn’t get it to stop. I looked at him and I was going to say something but I knew that we really needed to be there and he needed to talk to her. I didn’t want to leave after she stayed late to see us and we were just getting started. About the time I started to say something it stopped. Then later I got sick all of a sudden out of no where. I was able to get up and make it to the bathroom at least.
After we left there we came home it was already 6 since we went a couple hours later than our normal time so we could get in. I just really didn’t feel good and was tired. I had been up all night the night before. I laid down on my bed for a little bit. Everything started spinning again laying there. Later I got up to go to the store and get some stuff we needed and to drop some stuff off at my moms for the girls they stayed over there Sunday when I stayed with my dad and they were staying again. On the way there the lights as we were going down the road were killing my eyes everything kept spinning. We passed a police car that was parked but had his lights going it was horrible. I sitting there with my eyes closed and just the movement was bothering me.
I had told the kids a few times the last couple weeks I wondered if I wasn’t trying to get a ear infection. Just way I felt off and on. My ears don’t hurt but I just feel over all sick. I will get kind of dizzy this was like nothing I had ever felt before. I figured if I was this dizzy and feeling that bad I needed to go get something for it because there was no way I could drive like that and I need to be able to get up and go at the drop of a hat. I just felt way to bad. I had father of the year drive me to the hospital after we dropped the stuff at my moms. We drove all the way over to the one hospital because the one closest to us I wouldn’t take a dog to. It was packed hardly no where to park and a ton of people sitting inside. I told him to take me to the other one since it was just for me and not one of the kids or someone else. He said something about the one my dad went to. So we drove the 30 miles or so to it. I was so bad by the time we go there for all the riding and lights. I told him to go get a wheelchair. He got one and I had my big boy get out and push me in. He did a good job only hit the wall once. They checked my oxygen levels and things then sent me to wait. They were empty so I didn’t have to wait long. They took me to triage and did a ekg and was going to put me in a room. Then they got a critical patient in on the ambulance and had to move people around so they put me back in the waiting room for a few minutes. I figured I would be there a while but they came right back and got me.
The nurse gave me a gown and told me to put it on and went to walk out of the room and the doctor walked in. She handed him my paperwork and he talked to me a bit. He said the ekg looked good I told him I thought it was my ears he had me do a few things and said they were all ok. He was checking for stroke I hadn’t even thought of it being a stroke. He then checked my ears and said they looked really  good but it could be on set of ear infection. I told him that most the time I by the time I was feeling dizzy it was pretty bad, so I didn’t think it was from my ears. He was going to give me a rx just in case if they started hurting or anything I could take it instead of having to go back. He said he was going to give me something for the dizziness as well.
Then I asked him if not sleeping and/or stress would cause it and he said it could. I told him I hadn’t really slept in days. He asked why I told him we just found out New Years day my dad was terminally ill and was sent home on hospice care and that he had a bad night on top of it all and I had been there with him the night before. He said oh he said yeah it was probably stress and not sleeping causing it. He would give me something still for the dizziness. He was going to wait on the meds for the ears. I told him I was ok with that because if they weren’t infected then I didn’t think it was that causing it or that I was getting a infection.
He said it was vertigo brought on by lack of sleep and stress. I haven’t been feeling great today still haven’t gotten much sleep. I have eaten 4 times in 3 days and most of it has come back up from stress. I have held down two meals. I just hope that it goes a way. They said if it didn’t I need to go in have a mri and things done to look at the brain and ear I guess.
Like now I am so sleepy I can’t stand it but wide a wake at the same time. I lay down and I just lay there not even thinking or anything just lay there wishing I would fall a sleep. They few times I started to get into a deep sleep I was woke right up and that was it couldn’t get back to sleep if I did not a good deep sleep.

4:30 am. I really do like my sleep and have 4 kids to take care of. I have a house to clean, meals to cook, therapy appointments, IEP meetings, a kid to get to school and more to worry about and be alert for.

Lately you have been making that really hard to do. I walk around day in and day out feeling like I can barely hold my eyes open and hurting from head to toe. I hardly make it through my day and get next to nothing done.

You are not as good of a friend as you use to be to me. I promise once in a while we can have a rondevu once in a while. It’s just this every night thing really has to stop.

{August 19, 2014}   One Long Day

Last night was the first night I had went to bed before 4 am. It was 1:30 am even then. When I do I don’t sleep good and am awake off and on all night. Last night I went to bed and was for the first time sleeping good. My son came in about an hour after I went to bed and woke me up and after that I didn’t sleep good and was up and down. I am so tired and just wore out. I just want to go to bed go to sleep and sleep with out having to worry about when the kids are going to get up or having to be somewhere or anything else. I just want to go to bed and know that I can go to sleep and sleep as long as I need to  so I don’t feel this way.

Half the time I have no clue what day it is or if I am coming or going. Now with father of the year changing jobs it worse. I am up later. I use to stay up late but I was still in bed most nights by 1 or 2 nothing to horrible. Then with job change and trying to get ready for the kids schooling it has gotten to be 4-6 before I am going to bed. Then I am up with kids by 8 most days. If I am lucky I get a couple hours sleep with out waking up for something or being woke up. most the time not so even the 2 to 4 hours I may get is broken up and not a good few hours of sleep. I am use to being up late and only getting 4 hours of sleep or so. But I am not use to not being able to sleep or it being so broken up once I get to go to bed. I feel like I just take a bunch of little naps through the week and that I don’t ever really sleep. I am to the point I feel like it is just one long day that never seems to end. Everything is starting to fall apart and that is stressing me out even more. I have no motivation to do anything about it. I’m just so tired I drag to get the things that have to be done around here done.

I need furniture and things moved around and different stuff done. Father of the year isn’t home in between calls any more through out the day and is out until late most nights so he has dropped the ball on the things he is supposed to be taking care of and left it for me to pick up and do like always. A lot of it is stuff that has to be done to be able to take care of other things around the house that has to be done so if I don’t do it then important things can’t be done.  I tell him and tell him I need stuff moved that I can’t left and move or the stuff he is supposed to do needs to be done so that we can do the things we need to do. I hear I’m tired now that he has moved job’s I hear how tired he is and how he don’t have time he is never here and when he is it’s so late. He don’t get weekends off any more. He works 6 days on 24/7 and gets 2 days off. He isn’t just in town here going to the little cities or what he is going all over the state and counties a way. When he gets back he is sent out of county again or farther a way than what he normely went so any free time he would have is spent driving to get to where he needs to be and then back. Where before he ran a few miles done the job and was free to come home or do whatever til the next job comes up. Now he is driving to drop on or driving to come back from a drop and there are calls waiting for him when he gets back.

Don’t get me wrong I love that he is gone most the time now for days at a time other than a hour here or there. But it aggravates me that he isn’t doing his part and keeping up with it. That it is all being dumped on me to take care of. When I was gone 50/60 hours a week I was still coming home cleaning and doing stuff around the house and staying up all night with a kid who didn’t sleep. All while he didn’t work and could sleep after the kids got to school or could be cleaning up during the day. I just want to move. I just want to find a place and get a way from him. Even if we do take care of it all he comes in and trashes shit and leaves it all he dose when he is here is bitch about why this is this way and that is that way and the kids not doing anything. When he has no clue the kids have really started stepping up and helping and doing more stuff around. But because when he comes in what he feels should be done or what he wants done I should say isn’t he gets all pissed off but he isn’t here doing anything. On his two days off the last two days he did nothing but make dinner and has left the kitchen trashed for someone else to take care of. No help doing anything else around the house. Make excuses why we don’t need to move it and why he don’t want it that way. I don’t see where he should have any say he isn’t here doing anything. Just like bitching and having a fit that this or that isn’t done how he things it should be or not at all. Where dose he have room to come in here and talk and bitch when he isn’t doing anything? We are doing it we should have things the way we want them and the way it works best for all of us if we are the one keeping up with everything and doing it. There are 5 of us who are here 24/7 now and have to do school here and everything. He isn’t her he shouldn’t worry about how anything is but his room and his stuff in it. The rest of the stuff is mine and the kids anyway not like it is his.

We are trying to see what the checks are going to be like since he gets paid every two weeks. He just got paid Friday but either all or part of that check for for when he was in the other job. By the next check we should know pretty much what he is going to make every two weeks and I now he has days off during the week so he can’t make excuses that he can’t get time off. We are going to finish this divorce. I seen a sign yesterday that said divorce for $99 I told him he needed to just go get a new pack of papers and pay them to fill it out and turn it in make sure it is all done right then we should be able to get a court date with no problems. He said ok so we will see. He said it would probably be more I told him not if he wasn’t going to fight it. He says that is what we will do. I hope he dose we should have no problem with the money and doing it then either. This new position we are one step closer to moving and being out of this mess once and for all thank god.

Some how I got behind on my blog Challenge. I think what happen was I sat down and posted one then started the next days because it was so late. When I was done it was the next day so I went ahead and posted it too. Then with not sleeping and everything running together I got confused what day it was and what day I really posted and thought I was covered for all but yesterdays. I sat down late last night to do it and noticed I needed two not one. I started trying to put it together and was passing out so I went to bed and figured it was already so late I would just figure it out today and get back on track. After I feed the kids and get some things picked up I will be back to figure out where I messed and how I am going to fix it.

{May 19, 2014}   So Tired

I don’t know what is wrong with me it seems no matter how little or how much sleep I get I can’t hold my eye’s open. I went to bed at around 11 last night and I am sitting here fighting with everything in me to stay awake with the kids. I didn’t get up until 7. I don’t remember getting up last night at all. I do remember dreaming some crazy dream.

The other night I went to bed at 9 and was up and down all night. About the time I would just start to get to sleep good I would wake up. Then I woke up with the acid killing me and not being able to sleep. I want to take a nap but the kids are playing and my big boy gets off the bus in 45 minutes. I hope that once I get him and get home I can lay baby girl down and take a nap for a little bit until my big girl gets off the bus. The boys will play or watch a movie. If I get lucky baby boy will take a nap too but that is probably just wishful thinking. But I can trust them to stay in not get into anything or answer the door.

I just wish I knew what was making me stay so sleepy all the time. I have even started taking vitamins but they don’t seem to be helping. They use to help and work good. I have not been this tired and this bad since I was pregnant with my first other than the time I had mono. I am starting to wonder if the mono isn’t coming back. But I don’t have any other symptoms.

I guess I am going to have to just suck it up and find a doctor and go get somethings taken care of. I hate going to the doctor because I have to take at least two if not all the kids with me. I hate having to sit there and wait for ever and a day to be seen. Like I don’t have other things I need to do with my time I have forever and a day to sit there and wait for the doctor to see me. I know they don’t mind because they are getting paid for their time but I’m not and have a thousand and one other things I need to be doing at any given time. But I can’t keep being this way.

If you got this far that’s my rant, whine, vent, or cry for the day. Thanks for listening well reading if you got this far.

et cetera
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