{September 8, 2018}   Ugh, I Did It Again

I slept in and had coffee this afternoon/evening. I stopped on my way to work and picked one up. I am back in this coffee drinking mood again. Not really that I felt I needed it to wake up or stay awake. I just wanted it. Then since I am going to work and don’t want to but 2 drinks, I just get a large that will last the evening. It isn’t so bad when it is the bottled Starbucks because it don’t have caffeine in it. But not the taste I have wanted lately and I really do not need to spend that amount on them. I really have to stop doing this as it is 3 am and I am wide awake. I have things to do tomorrow then going out. Its going to be a long day/night tomorrow.

{May 24, 2017}   Can’t Shake This Feeling

I never fell a sleep this morning until after 4 am, second night in a row I have laid here for over 6 or 8 hours not able to sleep. I over slept this morning the older kids were late for school. I got to work a little later than I expected to but a little earlier than I had told them I could start so that was good.

All this morning and even last night I just had this feeling I could not explain or shake, I think it is part of the reason I could’t sleep. Not really that something was wrong or anything like that just this odd feeling that I am not use to. Kind of a nerviness feeling but that wasn’t really it either. I was almost to the school to drop the older kids off and thinking about work and the way I was feeling and everything and it hit me. For whatever reason I was feeling very insecure. I don’t know why I worked in an office for 3 or 4 years right next to where I was going to work today, I know how to answer phones, copy, fax, data entry and all he wanted me to do was file. Not like it is rocket science to file papers. But I just felt overwhelmingly insecure,

I still don’t know why I felt that way, when I figured out how I felt I started thinking about how I never felt that way before when it comes to stuff. I thought of my friend saying the other night you just have to be confident in yourself and let it show. I thought why am I not confident? I always was before when I got in for a job interview or to work at a new job. I always walked in thinking I got this walked out with the job, I go to work feeling the same way I’m going in doing what I’m supposed to do and that’s, that no big deal. I never had any problems.

Then all the things Father of The Year use to say come flooding back, I’m this and that and like the rest and all the things he use to say and call me. I thought about how things went with him, how things happened with Wanda and RC. How they all were just here and walk away so easily and do the way they did, there must be something wrong with me. I tell myself that isn’t true but it is hard when you are told that crap over and over for years daily just about and then have this other shit all happen too. I keep telling myself I am the one still here, I am the one still holding everything together and fighting to make sure that the kids have what they need and I’m the one here doing whatever I can to bring money in even if it is only a few hours here and there. I tell myself they are the ones with the problem that they just intimidated because I am not happy and content just getting by and exciting, I want to live life and I go after what I want and don’t stop until I get it.  They are just happy sitting in their little corner going to work coming home or sitting all day while someone else goes to work and comes home only to do it all over again the next day. No thought of trying to have anything more or do better. I’m the bitch because I want more and want to have a life not just watch it pass me by.

That was a big part of the problem with me and Father of the Year, all he wanted to do was work and sit in front of the t.v. I wanted to go out spend time together do things, take the kids places. When it came time to make big decisions he was to scared to or just didn’t want to so instead of saying he didn’t want to or was scared to or didn’t want to put the work in to make it happen he agree to everything and then just do nothing or whatever he could to screw it up and make sure it didn’t happen.

I think with Wanda her thing was she really hadn’t changed at all and she was just looking for a free ride, she thought it be easy here just sitting with the kids and I would let her say and do nothing to have someone with the kids. Then she started talking to Father of the year and decided he be even better because he be 100% free ride. She wouldn’t have to work or do anything, she wouldn’t have to worry about getting her disability if she didn’t want to he get her anything everything she wanted and she could sit and do noting. She knows that if she could get him interested and she shows interest in him that once she had him he won’t go anywhere. He will stay with her until she leaves and then he will drive her crazy like he did me forever. She do whatever she wants and he isn’t going to go anywhere even if she sleeps with 10 different people every month. He just seen her as someone that will give him sex when he wants it.

RC, let his habit get the better of him and his true love. It’s funny because him and Father of The Year have told me so many times how sorry they were for what they done and how wrong it was. What they lost and how they screwed up. Father of The Year everyone knows wanted to get back together and was trying. RC wasn’t and still said it and Father of The Year has told me a few times I know we aren’t ever going to get back together but I am sorry and I did screw up and it eats me all the time I can’t move on blah blah.

After a little bit and thinking about what my friend said I was okay and went on to work with no problems and feeling a lot better than I had all night.

et cetera
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