Not Good Not Bad

When my daughter was about 1 1/2 we moved into an apartment just the 4 of us. We had always had a roommate but we had my girl and was pregnant with our 2nd. It wasn’t feasible to have a roommate and I was ready to have my own space.  Our apartment was different than any of the other 23 there. We had a really big living dinning space and the kitchen was closed off by itself and very small. They said the two apartments right there use to be open to one big apartment years before. We didn’t have living room furniture we had to wait a few weeks for our tax money to buy some stuff. We wanted to buy new since it was our first place and we had the kids. We wanted to make sure it was clean and that it would last a while. I knew if we bought it new I would keep it forever before we got something else. I was on bed rest and had no one to watch my daughter so we put our bed in the living room when we first moved in. We didn’t have people over any way. We had to get settled and things and it was slow going since I wasn’t able to do much and he worked full time. This way all the boxes and things could be closed in the bedroom and the other rooms could be closed off so that my daughter had to stay in the living room with me in the day time. She could lay down there and take a nap with me since I couldn’t pick her up in and out of the crib and things. We had the tv set up so we could watch that.

After we had been there for a week or so I started noticing something at night. It would feel like someone was there or had been there. The feel in the room would change hard to explain. Then it started to feel like someone was walking around or standing back looking around looking for something. after a few nights of this I looked up one night and there was a man standing by the kitchen. He was an older white haired man all dressed like he was going on a trip. He had a little case with him and wore a hate. He was dressed pretty nice and in a long nice coat. Sometimes he would have his hat off holing it in his hands in front of him sometimes he would have it on. You could tell he was looking for something. I seen him a few times in the hall way. He would just stand looking into the rooms that were open. After a bit he would look a little sad and just go a way. If he had his hat off he would put it back on and get his case that he had sitting beside him.

I asked the people around and they said that there had been a older man and women who lived in the apartment next to me and that he went to a home and then passed before she did. Then she moved, they didn’t know if she was still alive or not. I always wondered if that wasn’t her husband coming beck looking for her. I don’t know why he would come to my apartment too if he didn’t remember what one was theirs or if had something to do with the fact that they use to be open into one. He hadn’t been when they lived there. But I know like my water heater was attached to who ever lived next to me at that time.

It was another thing I wasn’t scared of him or anything it didn’t really bother me. The only thing that really bother me was when he would stand back and look. Wasn’t like he was just watching or what to see what was going on. It just bother me that feeling you get when someone is looking at you or watching you.

It was just a good thing in the fact that it wasn’t something negative and something that scared me.

One Of The Good Things

Like I said before most of the things I see or feel are not good things at all. They are mostly bad things that have happened. But there were a few times I seen something that wasn’t and that didn’t scare me. When I seen it I just went on my way did what I got up to do and went back to bed.

I may have written about this before but I don’t know if I did where or why being as I had never brought any of this kind of thing up on here before. But as I am writing this and thinking about it I I feel I have. If I have and I am sorry. With so much going on and 200 and some post I sometimes forget. But anyway on with the story.

My grandma passed a way on my 20th birthday years back. She had started having heart attacks around Halloween. They needed to do surgery but couldn’t because of her health. They were trying somethings to help her and hopefully get her to where she could have surgery. She had a massive one right before Christmas and was in the hospital and out. She didn’t wake up. She was out Christmas and then passed the morning after.

They had her service toward the end of the week so that family from out of state could make arrangements and come and things. We all got very sick we had been sick Christmas and instead of going a way it just got worse. The weather was crazy it was so cold that winter colder than it has been in a while. We ended up not going to her service because it was just so cold and everyone was so sick. We didn’t want to make others sick. The night they had her service that we didn’t go too my grandma came. The only thing I know I never got up in the night back then for anything. When I went to sleep I was out like a rock. Something woke me up that night and I was so thirsty I couldn’t stand it. I got up and went to go to the kitchen to get a drink. As I walked into the hall I looked into my mom and sisters room. We were in a little apartment they shared a room. I seen something as I went by. I stopped backed up and looked again. It was a person standing beside their bed next to my sister with their hands on her back. It was all white and seemed to just glow. I wasn’t scared didn’t think nothing of it I just went on got my drink and went back to bed. It didn’t bother me that it was there or that it was by my sister or anything. I just had this inner feeling that it was fine and not to worry about it. I just knew it was my grandma come to check on my sister because we hadn’t made it to the service. Her and my sister were very close the rest of us were too but they really were. She knew that something was really wrong or we would have been there. I think she just had to come see my sister and check on her one last time. I don’t know if she had been in the rest of the house or in my room maybe before that and that is why I woke up or not. But something woke me up that night like I was meant to see her and know that she was there.

I am not sure if it was that day when she woke up or a few days later. I think it had to be a little later because she wasn’t sick. But my sister woke up and sat straight up in the bed and said Grandma’s here. She looked so happy. My mom called her name and said you know. She cut her off and said no I know mom she died but she is here she is in here don’t you smell her. She got up went to the bathroom and came back to get dressed she stood there a second looked around smelled and said she left she isn’t here anymore.

We never told anyone and that next weekend when she went to her dads she came back with a little box of stuff they gave her that was our grandma’s. They had been going threw her stuff. In this box was another box full of a bunch of perfumes. It seemed funny that that would be something that when they were going threw her stuff that week and put it in boxes for everyone they would give her those of all things. I think they gave them to her because she was young and they figured she would like them and none of the rest of them really wore them ones. Probably figured she would play dress up or whatever and use them instead of just tossing them.

I Can Just Tell

Have you ever been somewhere and felt that something had happen there in the past? Then know what it was and see it in your mind? I don’t know what it is or why but different places I have lived I have gotten these feelings about and see these things that I feel have happen there in the past. I never know how far in the past it happen or if it every really happen. But it feels really it feels very real and I see it as if I was there. When it happened. Can think of many places that we have lived I felt this way about.

It all really bothers me a lot because it seems that the things I see that have happened are always bad things. People fighting, killing each other, their self, something happening to people. I have only seen two things that didn’t bother me and upset me. The rest really bothered me or scared me.

I never told anyone about this for years and years I didn’t know what to think or what others would think when I told them. Who do you tell that kind of thing too anyway? I didn’t tell my family because they are the worse ones to talk to about anything. They don’t do anything but make rude comments or remarks. I didn’t want my sister or brother to hear me telling anyone either because I didn’t want them to be scared places we lived.

Once after I had my first baby I went to talk to a women she was a Christian counselor, I was going threw a hard time with my mom and my ex. We were all living together. I was starting to get really depressed again. I don’t know why when I was there something kept telling me to ask her about it and talk to her about it. I finally did after we had talked for a while. She asked if I ever played with the Ouija board or anything like that. I really never have, I don’t remember ever even being around one or seeing one much less play with one. I seen them in the store and on tv but didn’t know anyone who had one.

She said that for whatever reason I was open to spirits and things like that. She said different ones will be drawn to us depending on different things we do in our life. She said it seemed that I had open myself up to negative spirits. They had attached their-self to me threw something I had done somewhere I had been or something I had been around. I wasn’t sure what all she meant by this or what I could have done or been around that I would have even picked something like that up.

I didn’t really see her to much after that. I got busy and things and just never went back. I seen her here and there and at church and we would talk but that was about it. I never got back into that with her again. It just never seemed we had enough time. I really didn’t understand what she was talking about in a lot of ways either.

I grew up in church all my life and was going all the time then too. But they had never really talked about things like that. They did some but mostly just the stories out of the bible talking about God casting the demons out of the the people. They never went into how they picked them up or that it could happen to people in ways still and things like that. A few of the churches I went to really didn’t believe in all that. I guess they did but didn’t believe that could happen today I guess. They believed that was all old stuff. One reason I stopped going there. Not because of that one thing but because I seen that they didn’t believe and teach a lot of things in the bible. This was before I got into the things about the spirits and things like that.

The years came and went and I lived a few different places and seen some more things and still never really talked to anyone about it. I kind of forgotten about what she had said and just went on. Never really looked into it after that. I was busy with the new baby and things. I did notice that from the time was like 12 or so it seemed like every time I went to church when they would preach they were talking straight to me and there was no one else in the room. Whatever that had been going on or whatever I had had a problem with that was what they were preaching about. I went a lot when I was a kid but at times if I didn’t have a ride or was a way at my dads I didn’t get to go. Sometimes I might miss a couple weeks. But it didn’t matter because when I went back it was still the same.

When I was a senor in high school my boyfriend started going with me when he was here. We started talking after a class one day about what they preached and taught about that day and I told him. How every time I go no matter how long it had been since I went last time it always seemed like they were talking right to me and no one else was there. He said its just God talking to you and that it was great that I had such a strong connection that it was like that. How it was so great and things. I got out of going to church so much after high school with working and things. I still went here and there but not as much and I started noticing that when they preached it always seemed like the same old thing over and over again or just really made no since to me or really just had no mean to me. I felt like I wasn’t getting anything out of it. I thought about it and it was because it wasn’t like it use to be it wasn’t like they were talking straight to me. It was like I was out here in left field dealing with whatever and they were over there in right talking about something different. I still went for a long time but then when things happen with me and ex the last few years I stopped going.

When we split up I had gotten back into going the start of this year. I was going all the time and taking the kids. Then I met RC and just kind of stopped going. We talked about it and was going to find a church and start going together because he says he had been going too. I didn’t want to go to his church because it was the same church I had gotten out of years ago because they didn’t believe in all of the bible and things. Pluse he went there because that was where his ex’s parents went and she went there. I just didn’t feel it was a good match. Most of the people at my church stopped talking to me when I split up with my ex and that is where we had gotten married and went for 9 years. We went to a few together and tried them there a month or so before we split up but we hadn’t found one we really liked and he never really wanted to go. After we found out I was pregnant and things he really didn’t want to go. He said he didn’t feel right the way things were between us and our ex’s and us being together and then me being pregnant. He said it bothered him about the kids and things too. and that he thought we should wait until we got something straightened out before we went. That he wanted to fix things and that we needed to sit down and talk to the kids and explain things to them. But he never bothered to try to fix things. He would just get mad because I wasn’t doing things with what was going on with my ex the way he thought I should or as fast as he thought I should. That’t a hole other post that isn’t even worth writing.

I have felt like I needed to get back into church for a long time and when I had gotten back into it the fist of the year I was part of a women’s group and they started talking about different things having a hold on us and stuff like that. How there are curses and different things that are passed down threw families and that if someone don’t break them they just keep getting passed on and that is why there are so many thing wrong in the world today. How the divorce rate is up so many people are hooked on drugs and things like that. Because it is passed down and it is an addiction something that has got a hold of you and that won’t let go. I am probably the worse person to really explain it but I am trying to the best way I can. I am trying to get it right and make it make since.

In a way I can believe it because I look at where I am and my life and I look at my mom and dad and the things that happen between them and my life isn’t much different than my moms. No matter how hard I tried to do better and no matter how hard I want things to be different for my kids they are living threw the same things I did. There are so things different but way more that are the same. Just like me and my ex splitting up and getting a divorce. I thought of it the other day I was about my daughters age when my parents split up and got divorced my son is about my brothers age. I with in maybe a year. My mom and my dad were together for just at 10 years. This July was 9 for me and ex.

I sat down and talked to this preacher at this new church I was going to because the lady didn’t know a lot about what I told her about the feeling and seeing that something happen places and things like that. Bondage that was the other word I was looking for people are in bondage and it can be passed down threw the years. But I sat down one day and talk to him about all this and he was talking about the curses, bondage and things like that that get passed down and that we have to break them to keep it from happening over and over again. He was saying that some of these groups out there people think are Christian groups and things but it is more like a cult and that they call curses down on them selves and each other and things. He was asking me if anyone in my family was a member of anything like that and different things that can cause stuff. As far as I knew no one in my family was unless it was back a few years. I knew that my ex’s grandfather had been in one and that some of it could be something I married into.

Then when I went to my grandpa’s after he passed right after I got there me my dad and my cousin was talking and my dad said something about my grandpa’s tie and not being able to find it. They were getting his clothes ready that he was going to be put in that day. I said we can go buy one tomorrow if we have too. He said no you can’t buy it it is a x tie and named this one main group that me and this preacher had been talking about. I had never knew all these years that he was a member of anything like that. I use to see him a lot when I was little he lived not far a way. But then he moved a way why I was still little. I would talk to him on the phone and we would go see him now and then for the weekend or he would come see us for a day or two but that was it. I was surprised I don’t know what to think really. I also noticed that a lot of the people from this group go to church they don’t want everyone to know what they are and things. But what I noticed is they all mostly go to that one church that I grew up in and got a way from when I got older because they didn’t “believe” or preach a lot of what was right there in the Bible. They only preached what they wanted to left a lot out.

So for years I have been around this even though I didn’t know it and wasn’t a part in it. He also told me the preacher that a lot of these card games and roll playing games that people play are all like a cult and things like that. I know when i was in school a lot of the guys I hung around with played these card games all the time at school and would meet up and play and a bunch of people I was friends with did a lot of these roll playing games and went to all these different things. It was just nothing I ever really got into. I can’t tell you why just not my thing. I have had all this stuff around me for many years and never reliased it and what it really was.

They say the fact that I went to church and was in church and so into it may be why I was more open to having this stuff attracted to me. and that if I already had stuff there it could let more in.