{January 19, 2019}   Time to Break It Off

I am thinking it is time to tell my “friend” that we need to stop doing what we have been doing all this time. I feel like I am giving him false hope or leading him on. I feel he is really thinking or waiting for this to go further or turn into something it isn’t going to.

We went out a few weeks ago for a little bit he was telling me how he likes when we get together and spending time with me.

Last night he messaged me ask what I was doing? I was on the phone with BFF sitting in the truck at the store waiting for oldest to get out of the store. I just said waiting for her to get out of the store. I didn’t say what store or nothing like that.

I didn’t get a reply in a second I look up he is pulled up beside me. He got out came over and stood there talking to me. He said I was driving around and stopped to message you back. I looked up and there was your truck. Oldest came out almost right away. She had been in there forever. We talked a few he ask what I was going to do? I said go get my charger from bff and go home I been feeling sick for two days. He was wanting to go out. He said he could drive me over to Bff’s house. I told him no it was okay. I finally told him to call me in 15 or 20 minutes. He said okay. We all left. Me oldest went to bff’s and then home. It was a bit before he got a hold of me.

He is driving and everything now he could of been out meeting someone or trying to meet someone or something. Instead he is hitting me up wanting to go out. I really am not interested in more. I just don’t know. Maybe after last night when he did message me back.

I told him I really didn’t feel good I wasn’t going out.

He said he would make me feel better. I told him I couldn’t I had to be at work this morning.

I told him……I really haven’t felt good for days. Bff keeps saying I’m pregnant. Told her she lost her mind.

I don’t think I am but she keeps saying it joking around. I just said it to see what he would say.

First he just sent lol…..I didn’t say anything for a bit, trying to decide what to say. He then said……And wouldnt that be some crazy shit 😏

I said it would be something alright.

He said he don’t see it I probably have that stomach bug going around.

I said I don’t either guess I would know soon enough. Then said I told Bff I would drop it off on her door step since she likes to collect kids.

He just laughed. I said I am to old to be starting over. He has not said another word.

At one point me not wanting another kid was one reason he didn’t want to get together. Then when we were talking in June he said he didn’t want more. He said it again at some other point before or after that about not wanting more too. So I don’t know where he stands or how he really feels about all that at this point. I really don’t think I am or I would of never said it. I think I am fighting whatever it is going around.


{September 1, 2018}   Feeling Stagnet

I am feeling so stagnet and confined right now. I feel like the atmosphere is just so thick and suffocating. Maybe toxic is the word I’m looking for, I don’t know really.

After I have struggled so long or so much has happen somewhere I just feel that I need to get away and have a brand new start. I feel like we have grown and done all we can there and there is just to much bad than good to want to stay around. I don’t know if that is the depression talking or just because I am not use to being in one place long term. Growing up we moved at least once a year if not every 6 months. Since I been on my own 10/11 years out of 14 have been spent living in one of two house. The others were a little ruff and bounced. But for the most part we been stable in that area. Maybe my brain can handle same for a while but then needs change.

I went and looked at furniture a little bit ago. Seen a few things I liked not much. What I did I do not think will fit in my livingroom. I can’t get anything right now anyway. Just wanted to see what the two stores had that I may want to keep an eye on for future sells.

But I bounce between moving away and just getting new here. I have thought about moving somewhere here if I could swing it but I know I can’t. That here in this house is the best place for us if we are not moving away. Its 3 doors from the school, it’s cheaper than anywhere else I will get, i been here so long I am good with the owners. I can pretty much stay here as long as I want and not worry about having to move and things. I feel that when I move I am supposed to be moving out of state not around here. I think I am going to sage the house really good when I get her and everything out and start over.

et cetera
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