{April 10, 2019}   Anxiety On High Today

I don’t know why my anxiety has been high since I left the house this morning. I don’t know why or what is going on. I was talking to Bff and I told her my chest hurts it feels like someone sitting on it or trying to crack my ribs open. My stomach was in knots too and I couldn’t figure out why.

My chest isn’t hurting as much and my stomach isn’t in knots like it was but I am feeling really emotional. I keep just wanting to cry over every little thing and nothing at all. I sit here and fight it and try to figure out why.

{March 2, 2019}   An ER Trip

It’s 7:30 am and me and Little Bitty are sitting in a room at the hospital Er waiting to be seen. We have been here since 6 and just now seeing a nurse. Says they have about 15 people in front of us. And of course once we get here she seems fine so we are bumped to the bottom of the list.

The doctor just came in said they are doing bloodwork, x ray, urine and strep test. So we will be here hours more probably. I am supposed to be at work tomorrow to do my 10 hour day there. They are not going to be happy with me. I will tell them i can come in this afternoon and close if they need me to but I need to take care of her and get some sleep. I can hardly hold my eyes open. I just want to pick her up and go home. She is upset she is going to need bloodwork wants to go home.


{June 9, 2018}   ER With Little Bitty Again

Sitting in the ER again with Little Bitty. She woke me up at 3:45/4am rolling in pain telling me her stomach hurt really bad something was wrong. She tried to go back to sleep and couldn’t. Then she started puking. It wasn’t like I ever seen before, it was very thick and no water or anything. She was having a hard time getting it out. She still laid down tried to sleep again had to get up in no time to be sick. We decided to come to the hospital because this is the 2nd time in a month or so that she has been in pain and sick like this. She was sick on the way here and again since we got here. They just finally gave her something to keep her from getting sick again and did an x ray.

They seem to act as if it is just no big deal or a stomach bug. But something isn’t right, she shouldn’t keep doing this and now when she is getting sick its dinner from last night still coming back and its been about 12 hours since she had dinner. Never has she been sick in the night like that and it be like that. That late this early in the morning it is just liquid. I told the nurse she seem think it was a little off but said some peoples is just slower. But not her she is never that way.

I am so tired of being ran around not getting amswers.

We are both so tired and just want to sleep. I am supposed to be at work in 6 hours and I have a sick kid and a few hours of sleep. By the time we get to go home it will be time to get things done to go to work. If she isn’t puking and resting I am okay to go to work. But if she is still in pain or puking I can’t. I am so tired I don’t know if I will make it by noon.  I am waiting for it to get a little later I am going to get a hold of the other girl who goes in at 5 and see if she can go in at 12 and I can go at 5, just trade shifts. It is about the same hours. I am switching with her next week so she can be with her dad for fathers day. I pray she does or that they will be slow enough that the girl who comes at 1 can cover on her own. Then I can go in later and take over for her and let her go home early if she wants. She is supposed to close. But may like to go early then I could still get some hours at least. The boss don’t care as long as everything is covered and we have enough people if it is busy. I need a few more hours of sleep that is for sure.

{January 2, 2015}   Not At All What I Was Expecting

I called my dads cell phone earlier and his friend answered so I talked to her she said she was going to be there for a little while. I told her I was going to feed the kids and come up then since she was there. I figured I would let them have time and this way everyone wasn’t there at once and then just leave him sit alone the rest of the day. I debated for a while on rather or not to take the kids up with me. After we got done eating I told them to get ready and took them. I figured it would brighten his day and I did’t figure he would be getting to go home any time soon. Probably not until at least Monday. Father of the year is off so I could have him go with us and he could take them out why we talked to doctors or if they got to rout y so I could talk to my dad and see him.

We got in his room the kids went over said hi and gave him a hug. I walked over gave him a hug. I turned around and the doctor was standing there. I hadn’t even stop and ask them to call her or anything. She wasn’t around when I came up and came by the nurses station and things. I think they seen me come up and called her to come in and talk with me. She looked at my dad and said I hear your ready to get out of here and go home. He said yes. She told him ok that it would take about 3 or 4 hours probably. I was surprised because they have done any and every test on him they can do and some of them I think they did twice just on different parts of the body. They have checked him from head to toe.

I told the kids to stay in the room with them and went in the hall to talk to the doctor. As we went out she said something about you know he is checking himself out and going home. I said no I didn’t and was going to say we weren’t taking him home he was going to stay there and do what they needed to do or wanted him to do for test and things. She said I they haven’t told you what all we talked about earlier and everything and asked if I had any questions. I told her no that I had just walked in and had not talk to anyone yet. I asked her if it was ok for him to go home. She said that is what he wanted and that they had talked about it in detail and things earlier.

She said went over how they found the thing on the lung, the things on the liver and the tumor in his stomach. Then she said that talking to the new doctor they brought on board after finding the stuff in the stomach and things they pretty much know that it is cancer. I guess by the way it looked on the test and the fact it is all over like it is. She then proceeded to say he isn’t treatable. She said that they could do some light chemo maybe some radiation. She said but it won’t treat it or get rid of it. It’s just to make him conformable. But then you have the side effects of the chemo so how conformable is he really going to be? She said they are going to send him home with hospice care. She said they would come in and help take care of him and make him comfortable. I asked her something and she started telling me hospice isn’t there something what they come in and do and things like that. I told her I knew that. I’ve been through it to many times before. Just not with my dad!!!!

Hospice care is not what I expected at all. I knew that he was sick and that is was more then likely cancer but I didn’t think that we were anywhere near ready for hospice yet. I knew it was going to be bad but I didn’t think it was this bad yet. I don’t know how I feel when she told me I couldn’t even go back in my dads room. I went back to the truck and tried to call my friend J. She didn’t have her phone her husband did so I couldn’t talk to her I called my mom and talk to her for a little bit and went back up.

I had father of the year take the kids to get a drink and stayed with my dad. We talked a little bit but not really about anything. He said he didn’t want to have the blood transfusion, chemo, to be on a feeding tube, put on a vent, i.v or anything else like that. He said he talked to them this morning (well yesterday morning now it’s after midnight now) he signed the paperwork to be cremated, the dnr paperwork and all that. Hospice is going to come in once a week right now and check on him. They said they would come help him bath and things but he said he don’t need them to do that right now. But they will come more often if and when he decides he needs them to.

He started telling me I was to get all his knifes and all his coins but that my brother was to get all his guns. He said I don’t know what to do with his van he bought. He said I guess it should go to you as well. The van really isn’t in bad shape but it dose need a few things. I really need something bigger than it but it wouldn’t be bad to have to run around in now and then or if something happen and my truck was to break down. I am really not to worried about it because I know that no matter what my dad says my brother will probably keep all the coins or go through them and keep anything that is worth anything. My friend J saying I need to have him make a will so that everything gets done the way he wants it to. But I’m not even going to bring it up to him. If he has one or dose one then that is fine but I’m not going to ask him to do one. I would like to have a few things of course but you know if he gives them to me when something happens fine if not it is on him what he dose. I’m not trying to get his stuff or just around to see what I can get. I just want to see him and spend as much time as I can with him. I like to have the stuff to give to my kids later when they are older so they have something of their grandpa’s that’s it. The coin collection is something me and him use to do together when I was small. I would get him some here and there and he has gotten a lot over the years even after I stopped really messing with it. It’s a fun hobby but it is a costly one.

I feel like I am walking around in a fog and I don’t know if or when it is going to lift. I bounce from just being here and doing what has to be done and trying to handle the kids and take care of them to breaking down. The kids haven’t been to bad but everything is just getting to me right now. I have to come up with a balance to handle it all and coping. I have to say this is up there with how I would feel if I losing one of my kids. My dad is the one person I am the closes to other than my kids. He is the one person that I can go to and talk to and he isn’t going to tell me what to do or what I should do or that what I am doing is wrong. He may or may not tell me what he thinks or how he feels about it other than that he just listens and lets me figure out what to do. He don’t try to tell me how to live my life take care of the kids or nothing else and he has helped me more than anyone. I don’t know what I am going to do when something happens to him.

I already told father of the year he needs to go to work tomorrow and tell them no matter what is going on how many calls they have that he needs to talk to them about something before he starts work. That he needs to tell them what is going on and that he could have to take time off here and there and that if and when something happens he is going to have to come home as soon as he is gotten a hold of. I figure they are going to say well we aren’t together and it’s my family and things. But like I told him if they do he needs to tell them that, that is his kids grandfather and my dad and that I am going to have stuff to take care of and he is going to be here for them not dump them with a sitter or something. I know I am not going to be in any shape to take care of my self much less anything else. He said he was going to we shall see. It will prbably be like everything else he will not bring it up until it happens and then he will just keep working like nothing is going on and tell me sorry I couldn’t get off. Tell the kids sorry I will be there when I can get there I have to work.

I am going to get off here try to get some sleep and stop rambling again. I am doing whatever right now to keep my mind on other things I keep going from just being here and trying to function to breaking down. I don’t want to keep breaking down and trying not to let the kids see me.

et cetera
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