{December 27, 2013}   Just Wanted To Say

I hope that everyone had a very blessed Christmas. It has been a busy week or so with getting ready for Christmas and other things I had come up I have been trying to get taken care of. I have been going to bed at 6 or 7 am sleeping a couple hours and getting up to do it all over again. Tonight I could be sleeping and can’t now. Have to much on my mind and it’s bothered me I haven’t had time to write.

We had a nice Christmas just us my mom my one sister and her family and my brother and his. The brother I don’t get along with but surprisingly it was nice we all talked and socialized. Most the time with him and his family they come in see what you got them and go after insulting people and causing a argument. But I had stop talking to them never invite them to things I have at my house or go around them. My sister had pretty much stopped talking to them or having anything to do with them either because of the way they do. I think when they had my nephews birthday they started to see that he was missing out on a lot not getting to be with his family and things and they have been better. It has only been a few weeks and one holiday we shall see if it last. Not a big loss for me if it don’t I hate that my kids can’t see their baby cousin but I won’t be treated and talked to the way that my brother and his family seemed to think they could treat people.

The kids were so excited when they got their Christmas gifts. Their great grandma gave me money to get them something for Christmas. I took it and put it with what I got and get them a tablet. The three bigger ones got them a watch and a bank. My little bitty got a bank this huge stuffed dog seen and fell in love with at the store and a couple other little things. I am going to get her ears pierced for Christmas also but didn’t have the time to take her. I took her to one of the stores a while back and the lady acted clueless and was rude. I decided I would take her to the tattoo shop where I got my tat and have it done. Cleaner to since she don’t get shots. I will probably take her once the kids go back to school. It will be a outing for me and her.

Today well I guess technically yesterday was my birthday since we are already two hours into this morning. It was just another day like most of them. Soon to be ex gave me a card with a little bit to get something and my big girl wants to do my nails. She didn’t remind me until a little bit ago when i was sending her to bed so she has to wait until tomorrow. Not really a big deal I don’t really do much for my birthday anyway. I would like to get a group of the girls together and go out on the boat again. It was a lot of fun the last time we went. But that will have to wait until I get moved.

Over all this holiday season has been pretty stress free compared to most.

{November 6, 2012}   Uneventful Few Days

The last few days have been pretty much very lazy days dealing with a sick child home from school. He is still spiking fevers at night. We are going to have to take him back to the doc today or tomorrow. The papers from the ER aren’t going to work for school for to many days missed. This stuff is really bad. I know a few people who have had it for a week or more.

Surprisingly I haven’t really had much on my mind the last few days. I haven’t really been worrying about things. I just all of a sudden have this calm feeling that everything is going to be ok. I still have no clue where we are moving or nothing like that but I am ok. It will all work out it always does.

I should be back to writing in a day or two maybe sooner. I have been working on a few things for the Movember project. Those will be coming soon.

{October 10, 2012}   Whats Your Life Full Of?

I have seen this a few times over the years and think it is great. If ex would have read this and paid attention to it we may not be getting a divorce right now. But the golf  balls were last on his list and not on it a lot of times.


When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Beers.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.

When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full.

They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.

The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was

They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.

Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

He asked once more if the jar was full..

The students responded with a unanimous ‘yes.’

The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.

The students laughed..

‘Now,’ said the professor as the laughter subsided, ‘I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things—your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions—and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car..

The sand is everything else—the small stuff.

‘If you put
The sand into the jar first,’ he continued, ‘there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.

The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Spend time with your children.

Spend time with your parents.

Visit with grandparents.

Take your spouse out to dinner.

Play another 18.

There will always be time to clean the house and mow the lawn.

Take care of the golf balls first—the things that really matter.

Set your priorities.

The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented.

The professor smiled and said, ‘I’m glad you asked.’

The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.

{July 7, 2012}   Long Day

Didn’t get to bed until after 2am then up by 7 and on the road by 7:30. Made the 8 hour or more round trip to RC’s sisters house to drop his kids off for a week or two. Went up stayed for a couple hours and drove home. We stopped and had dinner that was the exstent of our day. Now we are just sitting here online and getting ready to go to bed. Have another long day ahead of us tomorrow.

But we will only be going about two hours a way from home tomorrow. I hope every thing works out like it is supposed to. We are supposed to celebreate my grandma’s 70th birthday, their 52 anniversary and my sisters 2nd  anniversary I think that is all right.

My grandma got married on her 18th birthday my sister decided to get married on her 18th birthday on their 50th anniversary. I was thinking it was only a year ago but then I am pretty sure I was pregnant with my baby boy when she did this so it would be 52 for them and 2 for my sister. I haven’t seen my grandparents in a while and my grandma hasn’t been doing the best. I can’t wait.

Need to get home early tomorrow whatever we do and try to get some sleep. I am supposed to start school Monday at 7am til 430pm. Not sure if I am going to get to go now or not. I need to go and figure that out so I can call the guy tomorrow and let him know if I will be there or not. But for tonight I am just going to go relax in the peace. There are no children here right now I could hear a pin drop.

{June 17, 2012}   A Lot About Nothing

It’s 1:30am and I’m still a wake you would think I would have a really good reason or at least have something accomplished today and I have neither. Just got back from washing the clothes I really hate not having a washer and drier. I’m use to washing them and throwing them in to dry before I go to bed or washing threw out the day as I do other things.

To much on my mind to sleep. Thinking about heading back to my old place and packing some stuff and loading the truck so that I can at least feel like I got something done today. Probably the only way I will get stuff out of there at this point. Funny just when you let your wall down and believe people you are reminded so fast why you have it up.

I have been wanting to get back in church for a while but have no clue where to go. I haven’t been to mine in a long time. I had started going to one on the island right before me and RC got together but wasn’t sure about it or the group I got into and the person who got me going there. I found out about it threw soon to be ex’s grandma. The lady she brought to my house that one time after we split up went there and had a group I had started going to. I don’t know what it was I liked the women in the group the church was ok but there was just something about it. Plus now I have moved and I am farther a way. It is probably about 20 miles a way. I was going to go with a friend of mine and her family I asked RC to go with me but he don’t want to go he don’t like it there because he went a few times for holidays and didn’t like it. I went a few times many years back and wasn’t crazy about it but they say things have changed so I am willing to give it a try.

The lady who lives next to us up here wants me to go to church with her but I can’t go there. RC goes there and his ex and her mom and dad go there. They take the boys sometimes still but he hasn’t been but once since we got together I don’t think. I have seen a few around town I am going to check into. I just hate to start going somewhere and then move in a few month.But if I found one I really liked I would come back and go to it probably. It just makes it harder when I have to go off to get there with the 3 kids and now having 5to get ready and out the door on time. I may need to find one we can walk to then drive to it and we may get there on time.

I don’t know why I have felt pushed to go to church so much the last few weeks. I have been thinking about it a lot. Really a few month now. I think because I really like to go when i have somewhere I feel comfortable. I hadn’t been in a long time when I started going with his grandma’s friend and had started going every Sunday and now not at all again. Even if I’m not 100% sure that is where I want to stay going somewhere is better than nowhere to me.

{May 18, 2012}   One Big Ball Of Sick

Not a lot has changed or gotten better but I am feeling a lot better mentally and emotionally. I haven’t been on in a month or more there has been so much going on. I have been to the hospital 5 times in the last 3 to 4 weeks. I had sick kids for a week straight. Spent a day in the ER with my baby boy with a fever of 104.6 he wouldn’t eat drink or move. They had to do a bunch of test and things to him. Finally got the fever down and he started drinking so they let him come home. Said it was a virus. He was sick another week after that from a shot they gave him and whatever he had.

A week to the day later I was in the ER I woke up at 6am in doubled over in pain and sick to my stomach. I finally got the kids to school and got someone to watch the baby so I could go to the hospital. RC was here when I got up in pain and sick. I he had to take his kids to school. I didn’t know it he called me when I was on my way home and said he had taken the day off work before he ever left my house. He came over and took me to the ER. They did blood work and ordered a CT scan. Took me down an almost gave me someone else x-ray the pink ladies went to the wrong bed and had the wrong person. Then the nurse came in told me there are no stones. I said that’s good she said well no you have one it’s kind of big. I didn’t know what she was talking about they said I didn’t have kidney stone but I had a gallstone. Then she starts talking about surgery and all this. I was like I am not having surgery I just want to know what is wrong with me. She says oh the doc is going to have the sergon come talk to you see what they think needs to be done. In a little while the doc comes over tells me I have a cyst on my ovary and that it is normal and that sometimes you will have pain. That it didn’t look like anything to be worried about. You have them every month it will go a way in a few days to week. Never said anything about the stone so I ask him and he says oh it is fine. He said you get them from time to time and you will pass them it isn’t big enough that it shouldn’t pass and that where the pain is and how it feels the stone isn’t what is causing the pain. So the nurse had no clue what she was talking about. She should have never said anything about it at all. When I got my paper work to leave it said not only did I have the cyst and stone but I also had a UTI that no one told me about but wrote me meds for. I wasn’t happy I had never had such things happen at that hospital they have always been on the ball and gave great care.

Glad to say the baby is doing much better my big boy is over all this too. I was in pain for a few more days and then it finally went a way and I was alright. I am so glad they were right about the gallstone and it wasn’t that. I have had pain before and they told me they thought it was a gallstone and it didn’t feel anything like that. I thought we were all going to finally be healthy and happy and not have to deal with a bunch of mess for a while. Boy was I wrong. I noticed my lymph nodes on my neck were swollen on the right side a week or so ago. But my throat didn’t hurt or anything like that. I didn’t do anything about it. Then around mothers day my tonsils started swelling up but they didn’t hurt. Still didn’t think much of it or do anything about it. I have to say I never go to the doctor. I don’t have great insurance I don’t even have good insurance  so I don’t have a doctor that you don’t have to wait hours to get into see only for them to blow everything off and not do anything for you any way. So even if I get a sore throat or sick with something I just wait it out until it goes a way. I figured I do the same it wasn’t hurting so why go any way. I kept noticing that they seemed like they were pretty big compared to normal when I have problems. Then Tuesday night my throat started hurting like I never felt it hurt before. RC looked in there and said that they were so swollen you probably couldn’t stick something between them they were almost touching. I went to sleep and when I got up Wednesday it hurt worse and the inside of my mouth was itching. I have never felt suck a thing but it itched so bad and I couldn’t get it to stop. I had the soon to be ex come get the kids when they got out of  school and RC took me back to the ER. They couldn’t believe how big they were swollen and said there was a lot of white on and around them. They started feeling my stomach and stuff too. They did more blood work and a strep test. They come back in a few minutes and said I have Mono. Nothing they can do for me but tell me to rest no sports or work for a few weeks and that it can take months to get over. I said rest I’m a single mom of three how am I supposed to rest I will never get rid of this. I asked them how I could get that I am the only one sick. the kids aren’t sick RC isn’t sick and from what I had been told about mono is that you get it from kissing or drinking after someone who has it. They said that it is very contagse and that is the big ways you can get it. But that if your body is wore down so much and stressed that you can get it that way too. So with the kids being so sick and being up with them pretty much around the clock and with other things going on around my house making it so that I can’t sleep much then running and taking care of everything on top of it I just wore my self down enough that I got it.

Of course soon to be ex was an ass about it when I had to tell him what I had. Right off the bat it was I got it from RC who even when all the kids where sick never caught anything and who isn’t sick now even with me having it. Then it was maybe I got it from someone I seen for a short time 6 months ago or I must be messing around and seeing someone else other than just RC. He gets on my nerves so much. I am with my kids or with my kids and RC all the time any more I wouldn’t have time to be seeing someone else if I wanted too.

My poor big girl was sick so I tried to take her to the doc yesterday to have her tested and just make sue she didn’t have it too. Not that they could do anything for her but they don’t want the kids out running around and playing or being around the other kids in school if they have it. They have her insurnce a mess and have her with some doc that we don’t even know. I called to change it and it won’t change until next month. She can’t see her doc because she can’t take it. So we ended up back in the er yesterday to make sure she didn’t have it. Thank goodness she don’t.

I feel like someone dropped a bomb of germs in my house and it is attacking us all. I just want to go threw the place and spray everything with bleach and scrub it like crazy. I hate bleach and the smell of it. But this weekend soon to be ex has the kids and me and RC are going to come in here and go threw everything and scrub everything from top to bottom just so we feel better and to try and make sure none of the kids catch this from me. I won’t let them drink after me or kiss me. I won’t let them sit on me or carry them around. I try to stay as far a way from them as I can. So that is the last month in a nut shell.


The lady soon to be ex’s grandma brought over the other day called me today. We talked for a little bit. She said she just wanted to see how my weekend had went and see how things were going. She knew that me and soon to be ex had been fighting for a few days this week. She asked me about church and things and invited me to go to church with her and her daughter. Said the next group meeting she was going to have was the 26 of this month. We talked about was there things to she could help me with and things. I have to get a hold of her because now I am not sure if she is coming Tuesday or not lol.

She said she was surprised at how much emotion and things that were there instantly when we started to talk the other day. She felt that there was more going on than just the stuff between me and soon to be ex. She asked if I had dealt with depression or anything in the past. I have in the past when I was 14/15 years old I missed almost a year of school because of panic and anxiety attacks. After I had my second baby I had about 6 months or more where I was pretty down. I ended up taking something for the first time ever for a few months. I think it helped some but not as much as the fact of things in life started changing about that time too. I haven’t taken anything since and have done really good. Most people wouldn’t know that I have ever had problems if I didn’t tell them.

Today she was talking about how being depressed will make other stuff seem worse than it really is and things. How it is hard to really see things clearly and figure out what to do or where to go when your depressed and things happen. She asked me if I thought I was depressed.

I have to say yes and no to that. I know that in a way I am but I don’t feel it is the depressed that talking to someone and getting some meds is going to change anything. I guess what I am trying to say is I don’t feel like me being depressed is making things between me and soon to be ex the way they are. I really think that the way things are between me and him is why I am depressed. I was fine until we started having problems and fighting. I feel so much better since he has moved out. Like I said in one of my other post I feel better about my life and where it is right now than I ever have before in my life. Even when things happen and things are not going good and I don’t feel good I still have that feeling that everything is going to be ok and I am going to get threw it and be ok. I have not been like that in the past. Most the time when I am going threw something I feel like there is not getting threw it and things are just going to get worse.

After he moved out and was still working I was doing better than I am now even. I wanted to be up and doing things. I was up cooking cleaning going threw my house trying to get it organised and things gone threw. I just felt so free and like I could do things again. I cared and WANTED to do things again. Now that he has lost his job and been hanging around more I feel myself getting back in that rut of not wanting to do things and not caring again. I don’t want it to seem like I am saying poor me or pity party for me because that is not what I am trying to do at all. I just know how I feel I know when I started feeling that way and I know how I felt after things started changing. I know what needs to be done to make me feel better and to get me in a spot where I have everything back together and under control as much as anyone person can have things under control anyway.

Most anyone who knows me and has known me I think would tell you that I was doing very good up until the last few years. That since things started happening between us is when I started becoming withdrawn and isolated and just not my normal self. If soon to be ex would really be honest about things I think he would say the same thing. He even says he misses the things we use to do for the kids and their friends and with them all. Just like I did here this weekend. How I don’t do that or watch the kids for everyone like I use too. We had full house all the time if we weren’t doing something together the two of us or as a family.

{February 4, 2012}   Unexpected Guest

I have hardly slept in 2 going on 3 days. I didn’t fall asleep until after 5am. There for I then over slept and didn’t wake up until about 7:30 when I heard him come in to take the kids to school. I don’t know what he was doing that he didn’t show up until time for my daughter to be at school but he didn’t. By the time she would have been ready to go and gotten there we would not have been back in time for my sons OT. They have a fit if he is late because she has to see a bunch of kids in the day. I ended up just letting her stay home for the day. That messed things up for me because I had things for her surprise party I needed to get done. Then soon to be ex reminded me he had an appointment at 11 that he had to be at and didn’t know what time he would be done.

Just as he was getting ready to leave someone came to the door. I hadn’t gotten up and gotten dressed a shower or anything. I figured it was someone trying to sell something I told him to get it and get rid of them. Then he tells me it is his grandma and she brought a friend with her. My house was a mess I hadn’t messed with it much at all the last few days and there is stuff I have been asking him forever to take care of that he hasn’t. He says that they need to talk to me about something. Then he says that they want to go somewhere and talk. I was not happy at all they just showed up. I was just getting ready to jump in the shower when they came up. So I ended up having to get up throw my clothes on and go meet them somewhere to talk. I had my daughter and the baby with me. I knew most they were going to want to talk about what is going on between us and what happened. It is stuff that don’t need to be talked about in front of them. I try my best not to fight in front of them and not to talk about things in front of them. Hints the up all night because that’s when we “talk” about things after they are in bed a sleep.

I had been talking to a friend when they came to the door. I told her what was going on and what we were going to do. She met us at the dinner and picked up my daughter and took her with her and her daughter for the night. I felt bad because she wasn’t suposed to pick her up until later tonight. But she knew she shouldn’t be there either why we talked. I ordered the kids food and sent it with them when they came.

The lady that was with her was really nice she said that she and his grandma had been friends for a long time and that his grandma had told her a little about what was going on. She wanted her to come talk to me and see if she could help me out any way. She has a support group for women who are going threw different things such as divorce and things. She said she would like me to come to that and that there was someone to watch the kids if I needed to bring them with me.

We all sat down and she started talking to me and telling me the things that she does. It has been such a draining few days I was already upset from fighting and just trying to figure things out. She could tell I was upset she asked them to let us up and we went around to another table. We ended up sitting there and talking until everyone else was done eating lunch and getting in the truck.

She wants to come over Tuesday so that we can sit down and talk some more. I had told her I was trying to purge the house of all the junk that has collected over the last 5 years and get everything organised she said she would like to see what all I have left to work on and try to help me get it all done and everything settled. See if there is anything else that she could help me with and just to talk about what is going on. She said she don’t want him here why we talk to tell him that she is coming over so that me and her can talk. That he needs to stay home or find somewhere else to go. I really liked her and she was very nice. She gave me her number and told me I could call her at anytime no matter what if I needed anything or just to talk. She said she would come to me or meet me where ever if she needed too. It was nice to have someone to talk to who would listen and not feel like they are looking at me like I tore my family apart and did something horrible and unthinkable by asking him to leave. Like everyone else acts and talks. They think I should just let him come home.

I am going to ask her tomorrow when she has the meetings and things like that. Maybe I will go to a few and see what they are like. It would have been nice to have some warning but I am kind of glad they stopped by and I met her.

{February 3, 2012}   Jumping Threw Hoops

Wednesday night was spent fighting all night after the kids went to bed. He couldn’t just go home he wanted to talk. He wants to be friends. I have told him I have nothing to talk to him about and that we can’t be friends until he changes. I can’t trust him enough to talk to him and befriends with him. The other week he asked me something that was and wasn’t any of his business for reasons I thought he already knew any way so I told him. But under the understanding that it went no farther than me and him. The first thing he did was went and told two people. One of whom we had talked about a few times before we ever had problems about how she tells everyone’s everything to everyone else when they are not around. So he knows that if he told them it would get out. Way to keep it between just us.

Not only can he not be trusted to not go off and tell who ever he runs into or thinks of to call and tell he will turn around and throw it in your face and use it against you. Try to make it into something it isn’t or to throw it in your face and tell you how you messed up or something. There for I do not talk to him about much of anything. We mostly talk about stuff that is going on between us now with the kids or things that have happen in the pest and why things are the way they are.

Somehow last night the past came up and we started talking about stuff. He started making excuses why things were the way they were again. How his job was such a big part of the problem. I told him that I didn’t care who you asked or who you talked too that I didn’t believe and I didn’t think they would either. That anytime it was something to do with the kids or anytime I wanted to do something by myself  or with friends he had no problem getting off. But every time he told me he was going to do something or every time I asked him to be there for me so that we could spend time together something happen and he couldn’t get off he got called in or he just confidently messed up. He wouldn’t show up at all go in when he was supposed to be off get off hours late. I am sorry I will never ever believe that the only time that things just happen to go wrong was when it came to me and not any other time.

He kept saying I was there for you lots of time. I would ask him to name me one time he was there when it wasn’t to do something as a family, it wasn’t for the kids or one of the kids, one time that was for me or for us. He either wouldn’t answer or change the subject. He would answer with a question or tell me I needed to change the way I was talking to him. When I was talking to him in a normal ton. Then he had the balls to tell me when I had our son he was there for me. In two years or more the only time he can say he was there for me was when I had our baby. WTF is that all about like I could have just held him in an waited for his time and when it was good for him or like he did something great because he came with me to the hospital. Any decant husband and farther would want to be there when their child was born.

He starts telling me I have always had this bar and have always made him jump through hoops. I made him jump through hoops to even go out with me and laid down ground rules for him to follow if he wanted to go out with me and be with me. This blew me a way. He went back to the night he asked me to be his girlfriend or whatever you want to call it. We had went on a few dates and spent a lot of time together the few weeks prior. That night it was cold and rainy but we drove out to the beach and sat in the car and talked.

I basically just laid it out for him what I expected in a relationship and what I wouldn’t put up with in a relationship. I have done it with all the guys I have dated. This is me this is how it is no surprises down the road. I just tell them I’m not into playing games, I will not put up with being lied too, I will not put up with cheating, don’t cheat if you find someone else you want to be with more let me know we can split up and you can go be with them. But you are not coming back to me later. I will not put up with no one putting their hands on me. 1 time and 1 time only I don’t care why or what you say to try and make it better if it happens it is done and over. Most of my close friends are guys always have been probably always will be. When we see each other we give each other hugs or whatever. There is nothing we won’t say or talk to each other about. Just because we hug hang out together or talk about something does not mean anything. If you have a problem with that then it probably isn’t going to work out. Because I am not going to stop being friends with my friends male or female for a boyfriend. This me this is how I dress this is how I live this is me. I am happy with me and I am not going to change any of that for a guy either. It didn’t bother you when we were dating or getting to know each other why should I change because we are dating.

I know so many girls who will change the way they dress because their boyfriends don’t like it or stop talking to this friend or that one because they don’t like something about them. They do whatever the guy wants them to do just to keep the guy. I am not like that I don’t have to change who I am for no guy. Nor am I going to ask a guy to change for me. I know pretty much what I am getting into before I start dating him. If I don’t like it then I need to move on and find someone else. Why should he change for me? What right do I have to ask him to change for me? You shouldn’t have to change who you are for someone. When you start changing who you are for someone you end up unhappy and miserable. You are setting the relationship up for failed. Because you can only live so long being what someone else wants you to be.

I wouldn’t say that was making him jump through hoops to be with me. I think that was just being honest and upfront with him. I think if more people sat down and talk more open about what they expected and what they wouldn’t put up with in a relationship they would be better off. And the same thing if they decided to get married down the road. We had a talk  when we decided we may want to get married. We talked again to see where we both stood on things.

{January 12, 2012}   Life Truly Is All Good

I feel better this week than I can EVER remember feeling in my life. I don’t know what it is or why, I just feel like someone flipped a switch that had never been turned on before. It had been for gotten or something. I don’t feel stressed, worried, unhappy, angry or anything about anything. I feel like everything is just as it is supposed to be and that everything is going great. I can’t even put it into words how good I feel. how happy I am. I feel like my life has done a 360 from how I felt just a few months or weeks ago. It’s like someone took a big vacuüm and sucked 100% of the negative out of my life. Ok I know I probably sound crazy but I just had to share. Hope everyone has a great day!

et cetera
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