I Have Become A………

Stress eater, since I am not home and stuck at work sitting at a desk all day and night I can’t sleep when I am depressed or stressed out. It hit me today I am now eating to replace the not being able to sleep.

That as you can see is the XL candy bar I sat here and ate yesterday while stressing about everything.

Today I had to go to the social security office before work, that didn’t go over well. Not the news I wanted to hear or went there to even get really. While waiting on them to sort things out and wait for someone to come over and help the guy that was helping me I ended up being late for work. Why not be later and stop and get food. I didn’t really want food I wanted coffee. But I didn’t even feel like getting out of the car to get coffee so I went though the drive through. I don’t like their coffee I was going to get tea. Then I seen the other places on the other side of the parking lot and figured what the hell may as well get a milkshake. Why your at it make it a large too.

That turned in to two roast-beef sliders and curly fries to go with it. All I have left is the shake and I feel sick because I wasn’t even hungry hardly ever eat this early and nothing like that. Now I just want to curl up and go to sleep and I have to make phone calls find the guys work and just be awake because I’m at work. I slept better last night than I had in a while but it was still hard to get up and I am still so tired.

Quick Update

Things aren’t great but they aren’t horrible either. I am having no luck car shopping, things with Bff aren’t great, Sleeping Beauty is another story, personally I am I don’t even know at this point what I am honestly. I am about to go out and do something tomorrow I have never really done and been against forever. I feel like I am such a funk, I have been for a while and just can’t seem to pull myself back up. I feel like I am drowning in my truck right now. I just wish I had someone here helping, someone who cares what is going on. I have done horrible with money but not all my fault just everything that is happening and has happen. I missed a weeks worth of work and put a ton of money in my truck this month. That ass that called himself “fixing” my breaks drained all the oil in my truck and I almost blew it up. I have slacked so much at my two jobs I feel like crap. I woke up hours before I needed to the other day and laid there having a panic attack over all that is going on and all that I am slacking and dropping the ball in. While I care I really don’t at the same time. I don’t know what to say or do anymore. I just want no I need some time away even if it is just for the weekend. Where I can turn my phone off and just be. I got to get off here and get things closed down so I can get to my other job. I will be back later I hope. I get in these funks and can’t force myself to write. I come here glance around and leave. I have even jotted down notes for a few post but haven’t gotten to them.

Anxiety On High Today

I don’t know why my anxiety has been high since I left the house this morning. I don’t know why or what is going on. I was talking to Bff and I told her my chest hurts it feels like someone sitting on it or trying to crack my ribs open. My stomach was in knots too and I couldn’t figure out why.

My chest isn’t hurting as much and my stomach isn’t in knots like it was but I am feeling really emotional. I keep just wanting to cry over every little thing and nothing at all. I sit here and fight it and try to figure out why.

Tomorrow is Already Friday

I can’t believe tomorrow is already Friday. I have no idea where this week has went. It feels like today is just Tuesday. I’m not sure if that is good or bad. I feel like I haven’t slept in a while really.

As Little Bitty puts it I just closed my eyes and open them, it’s not time to get up yet!!

I am not sleeping good or much with this new job and I am not eating. I am having a hard time finding a balance with everything. I work between the two jobs 10 am to 10pm or 12 am. Depending on the days. That puts me getting home between 11:30 and 12:30. Then if they need anything from the store or anything like that I have to stop and get it. I am not even laying down most any night before 1am. Then I have to unwind a little because I can’t sleep once I do lay down. Im not going to sleep before 2:30 or 3 most nights and awake by 7. It seems to never fail I wake up at least once so I don’t feel I am ever in a deep restful sleep.

I know I stay up late a lot of nights and d9n’t go to sleep until late but it is different. I go to bed really early, lay there relax unwind and does off and on until I am sleeping good. Where now I am at work those hours going going going and taken care of things. I’m not clearing my head unwinding relaxing like I would be if home. It makes a big difference.

I hope by next week I am evened out and use to it more. Can start falling a sleep faster. The stress of the bitch there to isn’t helping. I hope she is on her way out soon. She has gotten some money coming in now. Not a lot but she needs to figure it out.

Right now I feel like I shut my eyes open them a few minutes later and go again. I feel like I have been awake the last two weeks straight for the most part.

I Let go of The Baggage

I don’t know what happen that night we all drank (Moonshine Is Not My Friend) but it is like something just snapped in the three of us. Me and Bff probably more than her aunt I think.

Bff didn’t drink the moonshine she drank while we were out, she had I don’t know how many drinks and then some of a few others who gave her theirs. Then she stopped and didn’t drink anymore once we got to her friends house. Me and her aunt had one or two before we got there but then when she brought the moonshine out is when we really started drinking. We found out later the blue 140 proof one she brought back to bff’s house and was slipping and drinking it outside once we got back to Bff’s house and I got inside. She would go out to smoke and drink it. Why she was lit the next morning at 9 something in the morning. We couldn’t figure it out because no one seen her bring the jar home or drinking. Later bff found it and last week she told us she brought it done there in her purse and sat it outside on the deck when they were trying to bring me inside.

After that night I just felt different, a way I had really never felt before. I was hungover for like two days. It was Saturday before I felt I could even really think about eating a normal meal and function almost normally. But aside from that it was like something just changed or was different. Almost like everything I had been thinking about, bothered by and why I was drinking just disappeared. I guess maybe I just let it all go that night. That is it I just felt this huge release like everything that had been weighing me down, depressing me, holding me back or was in my way the last few years since RC, the divorce, my dad passing and all of it, I just let it all go that night. I haven’t picked it back up since then. I feel like a whole different person. I feel stronger and more empowered. I feel ready to really live my life and be happy.

As I write this and really think about it I owned a lot of shit that was not mine to own and to carry around. A lot of guilt for the way things are and a lot of guilt for the way my kids have been done by their dads. I felt it was my fault and I couldn’t fix it. All though I did leave father of the year, I left because of the abuse, and I tried my hardest for over a year to get him to see what was going on and what was going to happen. Although I left him and I asked for the divorce I did not do anything WRONG. I stood up for myself. I also did nothing wrong toward my children or cause anything that is or has happened with them. I have never told them they can not see or talk to their dad. I have never told him he can not see or talk to his children. I have always told him it was their relationship how they go about that is on them. HE is the one that chose to step out and not be a part of their lives. HE is the one that cut off contact and support. HE is the one missing out. HE is the only one that can decide to come back in the picture and try to make things right with them.

The same with RC. although we may have had our disagreements, our problems were no where near anything that we could not have worked out, learned from and grew from. HE decided to leave, HE decided to cut off contact, HE decided to not know his daughter. Again HE is the only one that can decide to come back around and build that relationship with her.

I CAN NOT CONTROL them and make them be the men they should be and I CAN NOT make them be the dads I so wish my children had and want.

I also CAN NOT carry around the burden of their wrong doings as my own. What they are doing is NOT MY FAULT, I DID NOTHING WRONG. All I done was get me and my kids out of a very abusive relationship that I should of never gotten myself into. Then I helped a man raise his children and find his daughter that he had no relationship with. I DID NOT ask to be ABUSED. I DID NOT stand in the way of a father and their child, like a lot of women would of done and are doing. I have had the best interested of all the children involved in mind from the start in both situations. Rather they were mine or otherwise. I know I am doing right by my children and all that were involved and that I continue to do right by mine and provide and there for mine that is all that matters at this point. As long as I carry around what they did o are doing and own their wrong doings I will always feel this doom or gloom and weight of the world on my shoulders.

I told Bff about a week after that something was different, something happen that night. She said YES she said you too? I feel so different since that night I don’t know what it is. She said she felt very angry after that night. Angry at herself. Then she was angry with different people she had been talking to. She started standing up to them and not backing down and telling them no they were wrong and this isn’t right. She started really standing up to old boss her hubby from the transmission shop. He started about somethings she did the last couple weeks and not telling him first or asking him what to do or if she could or if it was okay and things. She just told him look it’s not like that anymore and I am on my own and I have to decide things around here, I can’t call you every few minutes or be worried about what you like or what. This effects me and the kids your not here.

The other day we were talking about it and she said since that night I just don’t care what anyone thinks anymore, if they get mad or don’t like it or what. She said I’m just like fuck it, it’s my life and I am taking control of it. I am deciding what goes on and what I do and how things are done.

She said I think there was something shown or revealed to everyone that night. I said I don’t know but I know I loss a lot that night and I fucked up with Sleeping Beauty that night but, I gained so much that night, it took a bit to see it and figure it all out but I do now. As bad as that night seemed at first it really wasn’t.

Not Sure What I am Feeling

Its one of those days where I have no idea what I am feeling or what to do or how to fix anything. I don’t feel stressed unless I sit and really start thinking about the bills and what is due how much I owe out. Then I feel my anxiety start to climb. Other than that if I just don’t think about it I don’t feel anything at all. I know I should be up doing something and that I need to be looking for a job but I can’t make myself get up and do it today. The thought of going and applying and interviews and being turned down not called back and the expectations of these jobs and the next to nothing pay the want for all that they want. It all stresses me makes my anxiety 100x worse, I feel like I am going to start having panic attacks again between trying to find a job and keep up with everything. I feel like it is a never ending battle I am to the point of everything is so far gone and such a mess why even try. Just lay here and do nothing and let whatever is going to happen happen. We have to move okay, if the lights go off or whatever. I feel like I have tried for 5 years and failed why keep trying. It does no good to ask for help because there is always an excuse or reason where ever i go whatever i try to get help with or for no matter how simple or big it is. I am okay with doing nothing and whatever happens just happens.

I have no idea what will happen if all that happens nor at this point do I care. I don’t want to be the responsible one all the time anymore i truely feel at this point I no longer can and it feels like a huge weight lifted to think that I wouldn’t have to be anymore. I feel like I could breath i don’t feel like I am dying a slow painful death.

Guess i better go get the kids at school.

Trying Not To Stress

I am trying not to stress and trust that everything is going to work out. I have spent so much money that I shouldn’t of had to because of things getting mixed up. With my hours being cut at work i am starting to stress and get worried. I am looking and looking hard for jobs but not finding anything in my area. It really seems to come down to who you know not what you know. I am stressed over my mother still being here and not getting out. I am stressed because I just want to work so bad and make enough to be able to get ahead and no matter how hard I try I just can’t. I have to make $500 a week just to pay basic rent, lights, water, net and phone. That isn’t a bite to eat, drop of gas or anything extra for anything. That don’t let me get things caught up it don’t let me fix things that need fixed pay anyone back or nothing. I am trying so hard to just stay calm and keep looking and know that it will all work out if i keep trying. But i am starting to feel overwhelmed and hopeless. What was said the other day about always something don’t help. I am so tired of being looked down on and looked at like I am less than because I struggle. No one seems to see what I do just what I don’t that they don’t like.

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