{April 6, 2019}   So Much To Do

It is after 11 am and I am still laying in my bed. I should of gotten up a long time ago. They are coming to look at the house tomorrow and I have to clean and get ready.

I have to clean the fans and blinds. It gets so dusty in my house so fast. The dust gets thick in no time. Even on my walls. I have never lived somewhere dust builds up on the walls and the ruff. It is like a every few weeks/monthly thing that needs done. Fans too even when you use them. I hate it and it has been let go for a bit. Now I have 24 hours to get it all done. Fans in all the rooms and a ton of windows and blinds. I just want to pull it all down and buy new but they will need done in a few weeks.

I just have to get it done and stay on top of it. I think because I am on a main road at a main intersection for our area. Tons of cars go by in a day. You wouldn’t think that much would come in but I think the a/c is bringing it in.

Little Bitty’s bday was Thursday, I took her and the rest of the kids to the fair. Now we have to do cake and gifts at some point today.

And be ready to go out of town for a while with Bff and all the kids for a while tonight maybe. I am still laying here like I have nothing to do. I am stressing about it all mostly the house and this lady coming. But I can’t force myself up to do anything about it. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I am stressing but don’t care at the same time. Guess I should go make lunch and try to get this all done.

{September 6, 2018}   Can’t Sleep

I didn’t sleep all day, then took a 2 hour nap when the kids got home from school. I wasn’t planing to but laid on the bed a minute waiting for oldest to do something. That was it.

Now It is 11pm and I am still awake. I am tired but can’t fall a sleep. To much on my mind I think. Stress with dealing with my mother. Stress of not working and waiting to hear back from jobs, stress from my house being turned upside down and not being able to do anything about it. I have a lot I need and want to do but you can’t make a move without her telling you what and how to do everything and it turning into a huge fight. Stress of wanting to meet up and talk to my friend and not being able to. I hope we do Saturday but I wasn’t able to talk to him today to make plans. Stressed about how thats going to go if we will finally talk about things or what he is really thinking and how that will turn out if we do get to talk. And there is a huge amount of stress still from dealing with Father of the Year. I feel like I stay amped up anytime he is back in the picture any way shape or form.

I feel like my thoughts and heart are racing a 100mph or more that I can’t make it stop. I feel like my body is moving almost and I am laying still. I feel like I should be doing something. I don’t know what but something. I guess all I need to do but I haven’t been. A huge weight would be lifted if she would get out and I could redue the house. Pray she gets out soon.

{August 2, 2018}   The Bedtime Battle

Every night I come home and go straight to bed or soon there after. I get home pretty late most the time well after 10/11 some nights 1am or after. Most nights the kids are atill up and thats fine it is Summer we are night owls. I see them a bit then me and little one go to bed.

I am tired woreout more like it and stressed lately. My little one stresses me out even more. She wants me to lay facing her with my arms around her and snuggle her. It is so uncomfortable for me and some times I just don’t want to be touched. If I refuse to lay how she wants and lay so I am not hurting she cries because I hurt her feelings. Then she lays on top of me until she falls a sleep. I feel horrible for not wanting to snuggle but I just need to destress and calm down after work. And it isn’t like I can for a little bit an hour then move she wants to stay that way until she falls a sleep and i sneak away.

Then later at night or in the morning when I am feeling good and relaxed and want to snuggle she isn’t interested. I really don’t know where I am going with this or the point i am trying to make or what really. I am just stressed and feel bad. I think if it was someone different I would want to and it wouldn’t bother me so much at night. But with her it just feels like something else on the list of things to do and something i have no say in i just have to do it. I feel bad for feeling that way but i do. I know i know it won’t last forever and i miss it later. I think it bothers me most that i am so stressed i can’t enjoy it like i should be.

{March 17, 2017}   Depressed

I have been in a mood most the day today, I don’t know if depressed is the right word for it or not. I started the day off pretty good the kids were out of school we slept in and laid around most the day. I decided to get up and start getting things done about one or two and then the kids reminded me they needed to turn their forms in for 4h. It was due today no later we already missed deadlines but there was a lot of wrong information out so they gave them til today to get everything in. I started trying to print it all out and the printer decided it wasn’t going to work. It is out of colored ink has been for a while but I bought a black ink and that is all I was trying to use but it said blue and yellow was out so I couldn’t use it at all. I don’t know what the fuck that is all about since i bought a black ink for it. Half the stuff they were supposed to have they didn’t because they have known about this stuff since we started in September and have not once picked the book up to work on it. I ended up going to the library and printing everything out. It cost me $10. I tried to figure everything out there fill it out and Little Bitty wouldn’t stop having a fit we ended up leaving. I came home to fix what we could of it and figured out I printed the wrong information out for part of it and didn’t print stuff out for the other. We filled it out and took it all in ask them for copies of the other paperwork they printed it out gave it to us. I was pissed because I run do this for months and have a ton of money in this and they can’t do the simplest parts of it and keep up their end of what they should do or were supposed to do. They can’t do the things they are supposed to do around here.

It all just pissed me off, then thinking about sorry ass Father of the Year that does nothing how sick we have been and I can’t get a weekend to myself to get anything done. I end up rushing around to get anything and everything done and never seem to enjoy any of it anymore. I don’t even know what I want anymore. I am tired, tired of always being the responsible one and doing the right thing. I am tired of being the only one who cares, but yet no one cares about. We got that done and ran to the store and came home and I have had some drinks since then. I guess now I am depressed instead of pissed. The day started off so relaxing and then everything hit the fucking roof and now I am sitting here in the dark alone as always writing this. For once in the last 5 years I just want to feel loved, cared for, wanted by someone.

You know I haven’t felt loved or as if anyone cared about me since July/August of 2012. The old man at the bar is probably right there isn’t anyone out there that wants someone like me with 4 kids. It’s stupid because I am not looking for someone to take on 4 kids and be daddy and provide for them. I don’t even want to live with anyone right now. I just want a relationship get to know each other and things. Nothing to do with kids and the likes at least for a while.

I am so over no one being responsible and doing their part. I am tired of being the only one who does anything, I am ready to just say fuck it all and leave. I have been thinking about leaving again just take Little Bitty and go. Then I think about at that would do to the other kids how they would feel how it would affect them. At the same time I feel like who cares? No one car/es about me what I may or may not want or if I am happy so why do I care?

I am now watching a super depressing This Is Us why the guys dad dies. Just what I want to see and think about the mood that I am already in.

{December 17, 2016}   Canceling Christmas

I am so tired of the kids being lazy and not doing their chores. I understand this week we have not been home a lot and busy. But they always complain and always half doing them. They slept in today because there was no school, I didn’t mind I needed sleep too after being up for two days. They got up and watched tv or whatever for a little bit. I then got them all together and told them they needed to get their chores done. I told them they needed to be done by 1pm. It was 10:10. They started about wanting to eat and a drink, nothing new always their go to when they don’t want to do something or have to do chores. I told them we would call it 10:30 chores needed to be done by 1 they had the extra time they could use to clean or eat whatever they wanted but they needed to be done by 1. It is 1:15 and the kitchen is still half picked up the floors have not been mopped. my little one still has stuff everywhere. She just feels she don’t need to pick it up.

I keep telling them we will not put a tree up if this stuff is not done and that we will not do Christmas. They get all mad at me like it is my fault. They have had time to work on them through the week. Maybe not a lot but some time and they have all the time I have given them today. Like I said it isn’t just today this week or what it is all the time everyday. I am just so over it.

I have ran for the last few weeks ragged trying to make sure they have all they need for school and been at the schools for them to see their show drive for their field trip and go with them make food for their parties all while trying to figure out where their Christmas is going to come from if they are going to have a Christmas and everything else. They don’t seem to care about anything but being lazy. They don’t care how the house looks that they made most the mess because they are to lazy to put their stuff away take their dishes to the kitchen, pick their trash up off the table, clean up if they spill something or pick up their rooms. They don’t seem to care what all I am doing or do for them. But then if I don’t do it they get mad or upset. They just act like it is no big deal, mom can kill herself doing for us and making sure everything is great for us but we can’t even have enough respect for mom to not trash the house or to do or chores to help mom out. When she ask we are going to cry and complain.

I just want to leave, pick up my car keys walk out and leave them all here. I don’t know where I would go, what I would do or when I would come back. Because frankly right now I do not want to be around them much less in the same house as them. The don’t give a shit, no respect all that mom does don’t matter attitude just pisses me off to no end. I know they are kids but my older two are old enough to know better and know not to act that way or be that way. My little two may not understand fully but they also know to listen and do what they are asked or told to do and they are just looking for things to do get into and trouble to cause. I feel like putting the tree up and putting the Christmas stuff out but I can’t in their mess. I so want to just cancel Christmas and give them nothing and not let anyone give them anything and pick up all this stuff and throw it away.

I am just so tired of doing and running my self to death and no one thinks twice or cares unless it don’t get done. I never have 5 minutes to do anything for myself or that I want to do or free time. I just feel like calling Father of the Year and telling him he has to come get them and keep them for a week or two since it is Christmas break but I know he won’t or telling him he needs to get a sitter for the time he should have them if he isn’t but he won’t do that either.

I just want a break for a few days I just want someone to do things with and to talk to someone to care about me for a change. I am tired of no one ever doing what they are supposed to or caring and leaving it all to me to do. I am tired of no one doing what they are supposed to do and doing it all and then still having to deal with them and have them in the picture. I am just feeling very aggravated, pissed off and angry today. Anyone around is just making it worse.

{June 24, 2015}   Dreams When In A Funk

Here we go again can only write a post if it is in some other color than normal. Still can’t figure out why it dose this or how to fix it, so in the mean time until I do just bear with me. 

I went to bed fairly early for me last night, around 1 am and went to sleep right away for the most part. While I don’t remember waking up until around 6 something I did have a bunch of crazy dreams. I only really remember on but all night I dreamed about snacks and something being on me. Needless to say I didn’t sleep well at all even though I finally slept all night. 

I don’t normally dream about snacks unless I’m really stressed and I really haven’t been stressed other than about them coming to look at the the house and I am really not stressed to the point of having crazy dreams. But I was in this really odd funk last that hit not long before I went to bed and seemed to just get worse until I finally went to sleep. 

I text my friend for a little bit before I went to sleep. I just really down and depressed. I don’t know what made it hit all of a sudden and so hard. I just felt really upset and lonely. I have been feeling really lonely for a while now. It will come and go at times it has the last few years, but the last week or two it has really been on my mind a lot and bothering me. I feel like I’m going to be this way forever. 

My friend says it’s steps I will meet someone when I get moved a way from here like I want to be. I tell myself that and would really like to meet someone after I move because if I meet someone here what are the odds that they are going to want to move or be able to move really? But then I feel like I am never going to get to move and that I am going to be stuck here forever. Even with a job bills are so high I really have no extra money to save to try and move. Like I said before here it just seems like everyone knows everyone and everyone thinks they know you before they even meet you or try to get to know you. Or they have their past or habits they either try to hide or don’t care if you know about at all because they aren’t trying to change them. Who wants to be a part of all that really. I just feel trapped I guess. I have applied for two jobs that I would really like to have but haven’t heard anything back. I pray that I hear something soon and it is good. I am going to be contacting them tomorrow I think if I don’t hear anything by then. See if I can at least set up a interview or when they plan to set some up. I was at the one place yesterday and it looked as if they may have hired someone new so I am hoping they haven’t filled it. I had a appointment with my little guy today so I wasn’t able to go in and talk to them. 

I guess that funk just made me have the crazy dreams. I don’t normally have them when I feel that way either, I wasn’t stressed more depressed than anything. But our minds have such a odd way of working and connecting with our emotions you never know what may happen. 

{February 3, 2015}   A Good Friend

I don’t know what I was thinking last night. Me and the kids went got dinner and came home and I made it. Then I decided I wanted to have a drink so I got me some of them screwdriver things in the bottles why we were out. I grabbed a bottle of coke too I thought of the bottle of Jack we had. I had a jack and tea and jack and coke. I had a few shots why I was making my drinks. Then I decided to try the screwdrivers. They aren’t that good but they are better than regular beers. I can’t drink them at all. I text my friend about 8 or 9 to see what he was doing. Figured he was working but we talk off and on why he is at work at night a lot of times. He messaged me back about 11 we started talking. They been pretty busy at work.

I told him to come drink with me.

The first thing he said is where are you and what’s up?

He knows I hardly ever drink.

I told him I was at home.

He asked if father of the year was here? I told him been gone all day and was over 100 miles a way and who knew when he would be home if he got another call.

He then wanted to know if the kids where home and up. I told him yeah they were running around here playing me the baby were listening to music.

He said something about coming over and father of the year. I made a remark back. He said you are way drunk. I will be over in a little bit. The way he said he be over in a bit was like he dreaded the idea.  I said well shit you don’t have to you act like I got a gun to your head and forcing you to.

He said no just tired don’t feel like dealing with kids tonight. But I’m coming.

He had to deal with my kid when father of the year use to live with him and he had them for the weekend. My kids did not and still hardly listen to their dad because of the way he is. So it was ruff back then. We don’t see each other that much other than in the store here and there. He is busy works 3 jobs and our kids are so far apart in age. Not like we have a ton of chances to get together.

By the time he got here my little bitty had went got in her bed and was going to sleep and my little guy laid on the couch and went to sleep why me and him were outside.

He got here I went outside to sit and talk to him. I didn’t want the kids to hear all I was saying. They don’t need to know all that is going on. I got up and went to throw my bottle a way he got up to follow me in the dark to make sure I didn’t fall probably. We were standing there by my truck talking. He came over gave me a hug I just lost it. I started crying. I said something about father of the year and RC the way he did and my dad being so sick and things. I said I must be pretty fucking bad for everyone to do me the way they have and to treat me the way they do talk about me and everything. I said you know me I help anyone and do anything all that I can. Look how I get done in return. I said now my dad he is so sick. I said I must really be something else. I must have really fucked up somewhere or did something horrible in another life to be done this way now.

He was telling me no and not to say that and look where it was coming from that I knew better than that. He said RC I am partly at fault for that I feel horrible for it. We talked about him and other stuff.

We sat out there a little while longer he asked me wasn’t I cold. Surprisingly I wasn’t considering I was in short sleeves and thin pair of lounge pants. I said your cold we can go in but the place is a mess kids have been having a blast tonight. He said I don’t care what your house looks like I’m not here to inspect your house.

We went in sat down my big boy wanted to eat something so I let him do that and sent him to bed. Put my little guy in his bed. We were talking. I had a screwdriver and poured me a glass of coke when we came in and sat it on the table there by me. He looked at me said which one are you drinking. I said both but there is nothing in the coke. He said nothing at all. I said no its just coke. I had that dry cotton mouth I needed something to just drink. I said I hope I’m not hungover in the morning. I have never had a hangover but I never really drank like I did that night. When I do drink I always eat a big dinner and I drank water in between drinks or have a few then a bottle of water have a few more. I hadn’t drink any water and only ate a little frozen pizza for dinner.

That’s first thing he said was you need to drink some water. It don’t appear you have been because your really drunk. I said no I forgot to get any. I got up and got some water out of the tap and went back. I still had that cotton mouth feeling and my stomach felt so full. I tried to force some water down and it wasn’t a good outcome. I ran to the bathroom and got sick. I am surprised I didn’t puke more than I did. Most times I start I can’t stop. But I pretty much just puked up the water and coke I had tried to drank.

I went back and got the blanket my little guy had been using on the couch before he went to bed and sat down on the other couch beside him. Laid my head on his shoulder. He said don’t puke on me. I laughed assured him I wasn’t going to be sick any more. He don’t do puke. He is ocd hates to be dirty or nasty ha ha. I laid my head back on his shoulder he put his arm around me. I said man I can’t believe I drank so much, drank as long as I have been tonight. I never drank in front of my kids much less get drunk. I will have a mixed drank or two once in a while. Most the time after they go to bed. When me and RC was together I would have one while making dinner or something when he got home from work. He said that’s a big reason I came over here. He said I know you don’t just drank like that I knew your kids were here and up. He said I was worried about yall. Figured I would hang out until father of the year came home or at least get the kids to bed and make sure you were ok.

Didn’t seem like he been here long at all and father of the year came up. I think he thought he was going to get mad he was here He got up and sat on the side edge of the seat. I really didn’t care we weren’t doing anything wrong we were just talking. He has been my friend since we were in 3 rd grade. He really is like my brother. I have gone over and sat talked to him when he was going through stuff in the past.

That was Saturday night. Sunday he text me ask if I was ok and what I was doing. We talked off and on through the day. He text me Sunday evening asked what I was doing how I was. I told him I was out driving around. That I just had to get out of the house. I told him life be so much easier if we just didn’t care. He said yes in ways but not always a good thing. He said you know I acutely care about your  mental and emotional well being right? He said I doubt your doing very well. You didn’t do very well hiding it last night. I told him I’m not doing good. He said he was there if I needed to talk or anything. I told him thank you. I didn’t hear from him for a while I figured he fell asleep. One or the other will a lot of times when we are talking at night. Then he text me in a while asked if I made it home yet. I told him I been here about a 45 minutes. He said ok he was going to bed.

I don’t know what it was it was just nice to hear it from him and the fact he came over say 2 hours with me and talked when he could have went home to bed and to his wife and kids. It’s different than hearing it from anyone else. Everyone been texting and asking if I am ok and asking how my dad is and things. But I don’t know I don’t feel I can talk to them the way I can him and say the things to them that I can with him. I guess because of the way we grew up and how long we have known each other. We can say whatever and not feel we are being judged or talked about later. I love my other friends and they are great but I still feel that they know me one way they haven’t seen all that I have been through. If I say things or do something they are going to take it completely different than what it is. If that makes since.

Like I said to him anyone I get close to or start to care about it seems something happens. I find they are just there to see what they can find out or there for what you are willing to do for or give them. Or like others just there until something better comes along. To kick you when your down. Any more I am tired of trying to weed the real from the fake because there seems to be way more fake than real out there. It is easier to just play nice and keep things to myself. When they decide to walk a way or show their true colors there is less hurt involved.

And he just listens a lot of times I don’t try to fix it or make it better or say something to make me feel better. He just lets me get it out. Most others want to make it better or tell me what I need to do. I am doing all I can do I just need to vent sometimes. Because it don’t matter how much you can handle or bare we all need to just vent and have our weak moment with out someone trying to fix it, make it better, telling us what we need to do or telling us how strong we are and we need to just move on or keep moving. That is what he dose. He will talk and thing but its just different. He really is like family to me.

et cetera
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