{September 27, 2018}   You Need Church

Mr. To Broken has been talking to me again just the same as if nothing ever happened. He again all with his I love you yada yada, blah, blah. The other night he said something about praying and I told him I didn’t see a reason to or do it anymore really. Something like that anyway. He didn’t say much.

To be honest I haven’t really prayed in a ling time or really had a relationship or whatever you want to call it in a long time. Here and there I say a prayer for someone or what but nothing like I use to. I go back and forth on this a lot. On praying, believing, wanting to go to church and just all of it in general.

As I said before my church turned their back on me and my kids when I got a divorce. I ture my family apart. Why would I do that we had the “perfect” family. I was told this many times by many people. We had the “picture perfect” family, we couldn’t have problems that bad. Just pray about it and wait for it to get better.

Then when we went to this new church I was the only single divorced mom there. It wasn’t a very welcoming place.

So two major times I look for support and turn to the one place I should never have to worry about being judged I was judged the most, turned away and made to feel unwelcomed. Why would I feel excited to try another church? Even when I didn’t go, for years I still prayed and maintained my relationship with god. Look where I sit, still fighting still struggling, still getting no where no matter how hard I fight and try.

Sometimes I have the thought of you need to find a church and go. Or maybe things would get better if I work on that area of my life again and go. Just the other day I was thinking about it and started looking churches up in my area. I wanted to see what sunday school classes they offer, small groups and bible study. None offer any kind of single parent mineastry for mom or dads or them as a whole of any kind.

When I go to regulare bible study I don’t fit in everyone is married or never been married don’t have kids. We talk but we just don’t realy relate because we are going through way different things. Before long your just kind of left out or pushed to the side. You can tell most are uncomfortable with you. It is like if your a divorced woman with kids and you left your husband he didn’t leave you. Your just secured your spot in hell so why are you even there amoung them anyway. Because your supposed to just pray about it and hope it changes.

I think Mr. To Broken got a little mad at me because I said I wouldn’t go. But it’s okay, I have no desire to go somewhere and sit and be looked down on and judged. I get that enough from my family. I don’t need it from a building full of stranges all the time.

If he is going and enjoys it and it is working for him thats great. I am happy for him, and don’t judge him one way or another for it. I just don’t feel it is for me right now. I can’t handle going there and dealing with it all again and to be done that way again. If the churches really don’t feel like that then why do none of them have nothing for parents and or their kids? They know it isn’t easy and they could use all the support they can get and the fellowship and bible study too. They can’t say it isn’t that big of a deal they are welcome to join our other groups. But then why are there groups for people that like the outdoors, one for people over 50 or stay at home moms or men who like to hunt and singles never been married. If it don’t matter why is it stay at home moms or working moms and why is never been married added to singles group? If it matters to these groups to study and fellow ship with like minded people why is it odd to feel there should be a single parents or single moms and a sinlge dads group or a single parwnts ministry? It does make a difference.

Maybe I am wrong but for none of the churches to have anything it seems to say a lot about their veiw and thoughts. Maybe I am wrong, maybe I am a little jaded in my view because of the way I have been done. But I really don’t think so. Like I said funny none seem to have anything for single parents.

I finally got my computer last weekend, things have just been so hectic I haven’t been able to get on. I am having such a hard time keeping up with my classes. Not just with getting things done and in on time but getting them done at all. If I could get them done I wouldn’t have a problem with getting them in on time.

I don’t know what it is I sit down and try to do the work but I can’t stay focused and I am reading and rereading things a million times trying to make since of it all. I try to do the assignments and reports and I am blank. It isn’t hard at all it is straight forward, easy and shouldn’t take a lot of time at all. But I find myself at the last minute rushing to throw something together because I haven’t gotten anything done. Partly because I have sat and tried doing it with no luck and partly because I have avoided messing with it because I know how it is going to be when I do sit down to do it. My head ends up killing me and I just want to lay down or do something else to stop thinking about everything.

I have not had this problem with the other classes I took up until this point even the ones I ended up really not liking. I had everything written out, what was due when for each class and I would sit down most every night and read and work on it. I sit down to work on it for an hour or two and before I knew it I had been there all night. I stayed ahead in all my classes I could work ahead in and the ones that I couldn’t everything was done and turned in for the week well before the due date.

I started having problems toward the end of the last classes I took the end of last year. I really think something happen when me and the kids where in the accident. I got sick at the scene when it happen and I remember not feeling good and being sick feeling like I was in a fog or and things for a little while after. I never was checked out and wondering if it is to late now and if this is something I am going to have to deal with from now on. Not that I think getting checked out would have changed anything really. If it is going to be like this from now on I don’t know what I will do. It is very frustrating and hard to keep up with deadlines and things when it takes me so long to figure out what to write. I can talk to you all day about whatever it once I get through it and read it. It’s the assignments and getting it everything out and on the paper that is giving me the hardest time. I don’t know it is hard to explain.

I figure at this point if I go to the doctor they are going to look at me like I am crazy. I find it odd too because I never even hit my head. But I have had nothing else happen to me that would cause something like this. I wonder if it is because I hit my head before then this happen is why it is this way. I keep saying I am going to go get checked but just haven’t made it there yet. Mostly because I been trying to take everyone else to their appointments and trying to keep on top of my school work.

I want an A in all my classes and no less than a B in any of them. I have always took the time to make sure my work was good and not to miss anything. Last week everything was such a mess I didn’t turn in a report in one class and I assignment in another. I knew it was going to drop my grade a lot and I was going to have to do everything I could to get it back up. I was surprised that my one teacher wrote me and said that she would let me turn it in late and that I had two weeks to get it done in. She is going to take ten points off the top but even then if everything else is good then it will still bring my grade up to a low A. From there if I do all my other work then I should bring it to a high A. When I get it done I have no problem making the grade. It is all the extra time it is taking me to get the work done. It isn’t because there is more work or anything like that. It is just me. I should have a day or two I can take a break each week and I don’t I am sitting 7 days a week for hours to get the little bit I need to do each week turned in. Where in the past I could sit down and finish it all in half the time or less and have days until the next week started to relax and not worry about school or get a jump start on the next weeks. I have a year straight of classes before I am done. I should be done next August if I can stay on top of everything.

{April 30, 2015}   My Head Is spinning

I really do need to get to the collage and do what I need to do to get started in some classes. I’m not even sure what I am supposed to be going to take classes for. I have been looking stuff up tonight and trying to make sure I go for the right thing and what is going to give me the most opportunity when I get out of school and let me work in the areas I want to work in as well. My head is spinning from all the information and trying to figure out what each sub title or field is under the heading and what one would work best for me.

Looking at it all and if I am understanding it correctly I can get my Masters in 2 years and a PhD in 7.5. That isn’t bad considering I thought it would take me around 8 to get my Masters. If I am right if I went for my phd I would come out of school not only being able to have my own office and be a therapist but also teach. That would be great because it would open more options for employment. I wish the school here was open on Friday so I could go in and talk to someone.

I was hoping to get to go tomorrow but the kids aren’t going to their dads until Friday. They are going then for sure if I have to take them and drop them off to him. I have to plan this party and shop for it so I have everything to do it Saturday. They called to see if they could go tomorrow but they can’t since he is working.

I’m going to spend the next couple days researching all this and writing things down. Then put together a list of questions so that when I do get to talk to someone I don’t forget to ask them everything. I hope that once I go in and talk to someone I can take the test or come home with a date to take the test.

et cetera
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