{September 22, 2020}   Could Of Been Me

As I sit here at work in front of my computer billing away each day I listen to pod cast on my ear buds. I listen to things like 48 hours, Crime Beat and other true crime or documentaries. Sadly so many of them are about husbands killing their wives or ex wives, boyfriends killing their girlfriends or ex girlfriends. It seems so hard to believe that there are so many of these women this happens to. But then when you think of the statistics 75% + of women who leave or try to leave end up dead. But still so many people don’t believe this goes on or marginalizes how bad domestic violence is or joke’s about it. As if it is no big deal.

So many feel it won’t happen to me or it won’t happen to my friend, loved one or co worker. My son, brother, friend, uncle wouldn’t do that even when the signs are there. I don’t know if it is because people don’t know what to look for? They don’t want to believe it?

As I sit here and listen to story after story, it for some reason really hit me today, how much danger I was really in and how that any one of these women they are talking about could of been me. How it was that bad and I really could not be here today.

It made me wonder why? Why didn’t I realize it at the time? Why didn’t I see it when friends and family were pointing it out and saying it? Why wasn’t I scared? Worried? Reporting him? Why didn’t I tell anyone about him knocking me up side the head or the back of the head when he would get mad. Or him shoving me across the room or through the house screaming and spitting in my face? Why didn’t I tell about him having me so upset I would be locked in the bathroom sick while he beat the door still screaming and yelling at me while laughing.

I would sit there leaning against the door begging him to go away. To just leave me alone and stop doing this if for no other reason than because of the kids being there watching, listening. He keep on until he got fed up and he would walk off like nothing ever happened. He truly was like jekyll and hyde. One minute raging the next nothing happen cooking, playing with the kids or walk off and go watch tv.

There were time’s I thought he was going to do some thing to himself. Bff was extremely scared he was going to do something to me. We lived close like 2 blocks from each other. Any time she heard syrens she would look to see where they were going or call/message me to see if I was alright. If she was gone for the day and we weren’t together she would call or message me throughout the day to make sure I was alright. I have told you all that before I am sure. There was a few times my mom said something and my sister. My sister was scared to be around him. She would not be left alone with him even as an adult. She was worried about me and the kids.

But thinking about it I think I wasn’t scared because I always would fight back and I wasn’t scared to stand up to him and do whatever I had to in order to get away. Before I get a bunch of people attacking me. I know a lot of these women were the same way probably and how many of them did fight back to get away. But I think I was just so use to it and use to it getting worse and worse and thinking ahead to worse case or what if this or that happen. That I really just wasn’t worried about it or thought that it would just be another fight to get through and deal with. I always had the thought is this going to be the time he blacks my eye? Is this going to be the time he breaks my nose. Just all out beat my ass? What am I going to do if he does this or that. The whole time we would be fighting I would be thinking ahead if he does this I can grab that, if he was to try that I can get out this way. I would be looking around what he was close to that he may pick up to use in some way and thinking what I would do if he did.

Writing that my mind is going, oh my god it is no wonder I am the way I am. Always in a state of survival every day. Spend wondering if and when he is going to snap, how bad it was going to be and what I am going to have to do just to survive another day. But at the time you are not thinking survival. It is just your normal every day life. You are just thinking of getting through another day. Sometimes you have the thought if you were dead at least you wouldn’t be miserable and your kids wouldn’t be living in the fighting every day.

{January 16, 2017}   I’m Tired

so ends post for day two now on to day three. I seem to only have the one post for day three so day 4 will follow.

I’m tired, tired of hardly keeping the bills paid and havening to depend on him to give me money. I wish one of these jobs I applied for would call me to come in. I just want to get my tax money and school money so that I can budget my bills out and have a little bit to do something with. Sitting here and can’t use the computer because I can’t pay the internet, can’t go anywhere because there is no money to go. I can hardly use my phone get some of my calls and some I never get because I can’t get a new phone. Ask him to do something as simple as getting the information needed to send the other one in and he can’t even do that. It won’t cost him anything to do it but he still won’t. He don’t care if I am here with the kids and have no phone to make a call if I needed to.

I spend most the time I am awake in my room because I still do not have my couch in my living room. He got it to the backroom by himself but now he can’t get it back in the house. We have a loveseat big enough for two people to sit on and a couple office chairs to sit on in there. The kids sit out there and play and watch tv that is it. I sit at the table in the dining room like now while I am making dinner and making sure the kids do their chores or while I eat.

I want to get my couch and things listed again so that I can hopefully sell it with everyone getting tax money back next month. Well more like March probably for most. I got a text yesterday said my tax return had been accepted by the IRS but I have earned income credit so I have wait until the 15th before it will be released and then up until the 27th to get it. I thought that I missed any of the tax credits this year since I had not worked all that much but I guess not. I can at least count on that it is almost a full month’s rent so it will be a help. I figure that will cover what I had to borrow, the price of the washer, and most of the repair on my truck. I won’t have to touch my school money for that.

I am still waiting on a replacement card for SSI because mine expired New Year’s Eve. I went to use it and it wouldn’t give me the balance when I called in. Then it said it was no good. They say they sent me one but I do not remember getting it. I think it got thrown away by accident if I got it or I put it up so I wouldn’t lose it. Go figure. I called to replace it and they said 5 to 7 business days but I have not seen it yet in the mail. I hope that it comes soon. I must have it the first to pay my rent. I cannot be late I am too close to signing a new lease. I am praying they don’t up my rent and that they have no reason to not sign me a new lease. I haven’t given them a reason but I don’t know if they have decided to do something else with it. I don’t think they have it seems they would let me know and I think the land lord is very happy with me as he wanted me to sign a new lease last year. They were calling me and telling me he wanted to sign a new lease with me if I wanted to. I want to ask for a privacy fence but I don’t know if he will do it or not. I think if I could just talk to the owner he would, but I don’t think the office will even bring it up to him and ask him. They will say we will talk to him and then it will never be brought up. I asked once before but then the air or the roof had problems so I didn’t push the issue because I knew they just spend a bunch on it. I am going to ask when they come to me and ask me to sign a lease again. Then tell them I will be in to sign it when they give me an answer.

I am tired of having the dogs in the house 24/7 and having to keep them in a cage if someone comes over if I need to walk out of the house. I hate they can’t go outside of the leash and can’t even be in the yard on a leash if someone isn’t out there with them to make sure no other dogs come in the yard. I don’t want another little or two of puppies.

My eyes are burning out of my head right now because I cut up an onion 30 minutes or more ago to go in the meat for dinner. They are making my head hurt and face hurt. I just want to go to sleep and I can’t. I didn’t go to sleep until after 5 this morning and didn’t get my homework done either. I must stay up and get it done tonight because it is due tomorrow and we cannot turn anything in late at all. I don’t want to start off turning stuff in late or missing work.

I still have this spot in the ruff of my mouth I probably have written about it before sine I have had it since I was pregnant with my 3rd over 6 and a half years ago. I went to the doctor they gave me medication for infection said they didn’t see it but felt something. It never went away; I have been on medications many times over the years and a ton this time last year when I was having all the pain in my face. It has never gone away. It is kind of hard like bone but then other times it kind of squishes like it has fluid or something in it. I hurt and makes my mouth hurt too. I have had a bunch of ct scans of my neck and around that area and I think even my sines and things before. But they never say anything if they see it. I didn’t go back to the ent because he said all the pain and problems I was having was from infection in my teeth. If it was my white count would have been off it wasn’t. I had been on three or more medications for infection and everything. If it was infection it would have been gone. My teeth did not hurt he tried to tell me they are dead. I know they aren’t because they hurt, not all the time but sometimes. I keep wanting to take something and stick the place in the roof of my mouth and see what happens. But then I am kind of scared to. I think more because I don’t want it to hurt more than anything else. I can’t stand for my mouth to hurt and I don’t want to do something to it and it start hurting and not stop.

I have to go make dinner I tell my oldest to put the meat in the skillet and start it she don’t bother to turn it on. I am still trying to just see straight from the onions, I can’t believe they are still bothering me. We have aired the house out and everything. I am the only one they are bothering.

{January 16, 2017}   A Long Month

I was just looking and trying to figure out what Father of the Year gave me for money and when and how to add it in. I have an excel spreadsheet that I use to keep track of it all. The first row is what he should pay that week, the second is what he does pay, the next row is how much he is behind, the following row is how much he paid on what is behind and the last is how much total he owes. I think I am just going to add it as the $200 he gives me this week since he never gave it to me and I have to pay it back out of the $200 he gives me. Be easier to keep track of why he gave me so much but then it going out twice.

He borrowed $133 from my sister to pay the lights so they didn’t go off. He is supposed to give me $200 this week, of which I have to give $133 back to my sister so that will leave me with $50 for my phone and $20 for gas and I will have nothing left. He will give her the extra $3 when he goes to pay her. Then another week of no money what so ever for anything. I may have to keep a few dollars of the gas money to buy soap and things for the house again. The following Friday he has to give me at least $87 for the lights again, by the first he has to give me $75 to go with my rent and he is going to have to give me gas money for the week. I am going to go apply at the store tomorrow and hope to get on there but it will be at least another 2 to 3 weeks before I get a check from them.

I was but wasn’t surprised to see that it is only the 12th of the month. It is going to be a long month with not having any money. I won’t get any money of my own until I get my money from school around the 17th of next month. Over a month away. It seems like this month should be more than half over already. I knew it wasn’t but I guess I kind of forgot since I hadn’t been keeping track of dates just days of the week so I know when to go where.

I wish I could lower my phone to a different plan so I only pay like $30 but then I won’t have the hotspot. I think I am going to be more careful how long I use the hotspot this month and try to just slide by with it until next month when I can get internet back at the house. It is cheaper than having my phone and the internet separate but it isn’t good for long term use like that. But for now I can get by. I just can’t do much other than school work on line at home until I get internet hooked back up. But it will save me some money for the month and not put me out more that I don’t have. I keep thinking even right now if I hook it up in a week or two I will get the bill and won’t be able to pay it so it is kind of pointless. Everyone keeps saying get turned on. I can make do and wait until I am able to pay it up and not have to worry about the bill and can keep it paid. I am working on putting together a budget as well to help me figure my money and what I need to make every month to cover things in case father of the year don’t pay. Then if and when he pays it can go into savings or extra for the kids.

et cetera
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