{September 3, 2020}   We Had A Talk

Finally had another talk with JW about a week ago about not being happy with sex still and nothing changing after our first talk. It was okay he wasn’t happy and on the defensive side. That really is understandable and to be expected.

We were laying in bed and he started and it wasn’t going well be finally stopped. He was going to go find the bottle of lube I told him not to bother. Of course he was wanting to know what was wrong and everything. I asked him if I could ask him something. He said yes was annoyed. I was trying to figure out how to ask make it sound right. He said something i said just forget it. He didn’t like that. Was asking what was wrong. I told him I wasn’t into it or enjoying it that I hardly do. He ask what was wrong. I told him I was trying to figure it out. He asked if it was from what happen in the past. I told him no he got all so it’s me? What are you trying to figure out? Why are trying to figure me out? Why haven’t you said something before now.

I said why would I you get all mad and act like I am attacking you. I said and you don’t listen and tell me story of your life you can never please me anyway.

He said when did I say that I haven’t said that to you. I said oh but yes you did the last time we were talking about this before work one morning. Instead of having a conversation you got all mad and attacked me. He just got quite. I said I’m not going to talk to you if your going to get all mad and attack me. I am not going to be done that way. I will just figure out how I am going to handle it and do. I said I am not mad at you, I am not attacking you, I’m not trying to fight. I just want to have a conversation about what is going on.

I said I’m not saying anything if your fault. I said I figure from thing’s you have said the way you do,talk and get defensive it’s because of how things were in your past. By this point I had ask him how sex was in the past for him. He said it was okay. I could tell by the way he said it he didn’t want to answer. He said with my last that is all it was about with her. It was okay I’m done hurry up get off me.

I said I can tell you are are always in such a rush or hurry. I told him I can tell he isn’t really into it that makes it hard for me. That I’m not ready and then to feel rushed makes it hard. That I don’t need to find lube I need him to not rush. I need him to slow down and really enjoy it not just do it to get off or because I want it.

He relaxed some and calmed down. He wasn’t as defensive. We talked for a bit. He really listened and gave feedback and input. I think he seen I really wasn’t trying to attack him or say he was wrong or what he was doing was wrong he was just wrong. That like with me he has dealt with things in the past that he has adapted to and he is just use to doing. He has to realize it and take steps to do things differently until it just because his new normal. I understand that and okay with that and know that it takes time. But he also has to be open to talking and know if I say hey I’ve notice this or that lately that I’m just trying to help. I think he will be more open to talking in the future.

Things have been so nice since we have talked. He seems to be enjoying things much more now. I feel like I can actually do something without feeling like I’m doing something wrong.

I hope thing’s keep going well. That we can keep having conversations without feeling attacked or getting defensive.

{November 19, 2019}   Took Time For Myself

I had not been out in months, probably 4 or more. All my time lately has been at work or out with the kids doing something with them. I was starting to feel irritated and in a bad mood all the time. I didn’t want to be at work, I didn’t want to be at home or around the kids. If you are a parent I am sure you know that feeling when you haven’t had a break and your busy with no time to yourself.

My “friend” messaged me during the week and asked if I wanted to go out for a while. I told him I couldn’t go out until Saturday around 8. I never go out on Saturday but I needed the break and figured that by 8 the kids would be settled. We had plans during the day and I figured I would take them to dinner. By 8 they could settle for the night watch movies and play until they went to bed.

I got home and out around 7 and messaged him to see what he was doing. He said he wasn’t ready he was just starting to get ready. I told him that was fine. I had a few things to take care of to let me know when he was done. I went and put my check in the bank and stopped at the pharmacy. He told me he was ready and asked if I wanted to meet at his house and take his car? So I went over there.

We ended up going up to the pool hall having a few drinks, played some pool and talked. We went back to his place and talked for a while and I was home by 11. But it was a nice relaxing night and a much needed break.

I think I am going to see if others want to go shoot some games of pool or darts maybe once a week or every few weeks. I use to be so good at pool and now I am horrible at it. But I love to play. Darts I have never played out anywhere just at houses but had a lot of fun playing. It be better than going and sitting listening to a bunch of people that can’t sing and eating all the time. I am going to ask around tomorrow see who would be interested in going.

{November 8, 2019}   Shit Talking 101

I told you a while back in my post 34 to 54 and Us in-between about the one driver at my night job trying to take me and the other guy I work with at night out for a drink and to hang out. When he said no he kept asking me. We have been messaging back and forth and talk on the phone once in awhile. But that is it nothing else at all. He keeps trying to get me to go out with him and meet him and “help” him out. We mostly just joke around.

He said to me the other day I know nothing is ever going to happen between us, your just easy to talk to, joke around with and fun to talk to. I’m not trying to offend you or make you made. I said nope don’t make me mad. Takes a lot to get to me or make me made.

So he is always saying stuff and talking shit. I told him the other day all you guys take that same Shit Talking 101 class and think you are the man. You all say the same thing and it gets none of you anywhere. He comes off with class I wrote the book. Blah, blah. I laughed and told him I wouldn’t admit to that. Later I told him, he may want to rewrite that book and do some more research. It comes up here and there I say something about that class. He said something I said you really should just burn the book. He said yeah I think you are right. It has been no help so far.

He said something about getting together maybe if he kept trying one day I would change my mind.

I said you can get in line with the others but it never moves just so you know. I sent him this picture

He says I skipped and jumped ahead I’m first in line. I said first middle last next to the back or front really means nothing when the line never moves.

Another time we were talking and he was saying something and I made a wise crack. He said why do you have to be so mean and cold? Laughed. I sent


He made comments back and then says and as for my balls….um…um. yeah I don’t know what to say to that.


I replied





Last week I posted that I was looking for an office or two, to clean on the weekend. He massaged me a few days later and said he had carpet to put down in his truck and wanted to know if I wanted to clean the truck and help him lay the carpet.

I laughed at him and said oh so is that what you guys are calling it now laying carpet? He said no no really I seen you were looking to make some extra money and I need the truck cleaned. Doors, windows, windshield, shelves, bunk all that. I need the floor cleaned good so I can lay the carpet. I may need help getting it cut and laid down so it don’t take forever. I’m not trying to get you in my truck and do something. I said um hum sure I bet you have some candy too.

He said no we all pretty much keep the same truck we do what we want or with them and have to keep them clean. He said really if you talk to some of the other guys they may pay you to clean theirs out when they get back from their runs. Most don’t feel like it or want to take the time to clean them.

I told him I would have to see I wasn’t sure. That it would depend what time I got off work. it was Friday the kids wait up for me to get off and come home on Fridays since there is no school the next day. I had to go home normal time so they weren’t waiting because my little one gets tired and would fall a sleep.

I told him maybe one other night during the week when I got off since they would already be a sleep and I didn’t have to rush home. He showed up to put the carpet in the truck and show me he really had carpet and wasn’t just saying it and he really needed it cleaned. Earlier when we were messaging about it he asked me how much. I really don’t want to do it because it is late and I am tired after work. I didn’t want to do it being out there and in the truck and things because you know how people talk and I don’t want to have shit started about oh being in his truck or whatever. Even if just joking someone takes it to far and I would go off, say something and who knows where it would go from there.

I told him $25 he said that was steep, I said I don’t know never done anything like that before. He said it is only about 30 minutes worth of work probably. I said I don’t know how much is it worth or what do you think? What were you thinking to pay? He said no I pay it that is alright. I am just thinking it is late, I am doing this during the week after working two full shifts, I’m tired and even if it is only 30 minutes of work is it worth it to me for less than $25? It is a one time thing not full time like if it was an office or what i was looking for. So if he really wants it done and to make it worth it to me to do it when it is harder to do than cleaning an office really at least $25. Because I have to climb up in the truck get around and under everything in a tight space, up and down with supplies buckets of water and things to clean and clean the floor. bending under and around everything. I don’t have all that in an office I’m not bending under and around stuff to clean the fools or under the dash and things in an office. That is all hard on my back and getting all the buckets and things of water up and down. That is like cleaning bathrooms, making beds and that kind of thing that kills my back and I can’t do all the time. That is why offices are easier and I can go in there at 3 am on a Saturday or Sunday or 9 pm. As long as it is clean before they get back Monday. I am not having to do it after a double shift tired and wore out already.  I never did do it he didn’t get a hold of me over the weekend and is back out. I figure he will want to do it when he gets back. Hopefully he forgets it or does it himself.

He is a nice guy but just older than I am looking for and he isn’t looking for anything other than someone to go to dinner with or have drinks with once in a while when he is here and hook up with. I am not looking for that. I’m not looking to get into anything with anyone from work. Friends that is it nothing more.


I got Mr. 8 off to school and laid back down with Little Bitty who was still sleeping. I talked to Bff for a bit and had about 45 minutes before I had to get up and get ready and leave for work. I tried to go to sleep and woke myself up dreaming and talking in my sleep. I don’t ever know of me talking in my sleep. I have been dreaming a lot this last week. A lot about my dad and him being a live but not being able to get to him or see him. Something is wrong I never “find” him or get to “see” him. I don’t know what that is all about. I don’t even know what I was dreaming about this morning it was like as soon as my eyes closed I was dreaming and fighting or something. Like I said I woke myself up. It had only been minutes, I didn’t even know  you can start dreaming that fast.

I laid there for about 20 more minutes and finally got up. I heard my phone go off but never looked to see what it was or who. I figured it was Bff sending me something. When I decided to get up I looked to see what she had said. It wasn’t her, it was Sleeping Beauty. I seen seen hey I’m sorry, I thought what? Then I read the rest.

It said hey I’m sorry but we are not together or getting together okay? I was really confused because I never said anything the one asked last night and I said no. I never acted like we were or anything like that didn’t think anyone had or was. I said I know this were did this come from? He didn’t answer so I asked again. Where this came from.

Finally he said because the kids were talking to him after I left and thy told him I said it. I asked what kids? Bff’s kids? I said no I never said anything to any of the kids about anything not even the other week. I never anything to any of them. He says I heard different just saying. I told him I didn’t know unless Bff said something to them the other week they thought from that. I told him he heard me tell her right there when she asked no. and asked him who said it. Of-course he came off with he wasn’t getting into it he was at work he just saying.

I just told him that other than her asking when we were both sitting there and him knowing I told her no he was there if something was said after I left I would like to know what by who? Not just shit being said to me about something I know nothing about. I said unless they heard bff tell her ol man that he was coming with me because she didn’t want him getting pissed off at her about you being there. I told him she told me yesterday sh told him that. I told him I would put a stop to that if I had to tell him myself. We went back and forth because he coming off with what did I just say I don’t want to talk about it. I told him he was the one messaged me starting on me about something I knew nothing about. Instead of asking what they were talking about or if I said something? While I had already sat there with you and told her no. While you said nothing sitting there looking at me like you didn’t know what to say. I’m not talking about it no more I told you and her you go still texting.

I said why message me if you don’t want to talk? If there is nothing to talk about or you didn’t want to talk then there was no reason to say something to start with. He says Stop

I was done, I said, I will just got to the one who said something figure it all out set shit straight after work. Have a good day.

He wanted me to stop I was stopping. Then he messaged me back again after that said no your not just leave the kids out of it damn.

I said don’t worry about it, you don’t want to talk I will figure it out. and left it at that. He hasn’t said anything back since then. I told Bff that he will probably message her about it since I said I was going to go talk to the kids. But what he don’t know is that me and Bff have already talked about it. I messaged her right away and told her we needed to talk because I wanted to know what was said by who and why he was coming at me with all this to start with before I messaged him. I figured if something was said that would be a problem she would of said something, it seems he is making more out of something that was said than there is to it.

Like Bff said, did the kids really say something or has this just all been on his mind since we were all together last night? He felt he needed to say something for some reason?

I was already thinking who is he trying to convince here we are not together me or him? Because I’m good but he don’t seem to sure the look he had the other night and the fact he keeps bringing it up? I had said that to her in a messages on line that she hadn’t even read yet.

I also told her when he first said this and started that next Sunday when we all get together I am going to call all the kids in together at one time and make sure he is there too. I am going to say I have something to say, Me and Sleeping Beauty are not together or getting together, we are all just friends. I guess something was said last week about I said something about us being together or getting together I don’t know what was said or why but I haven’t told any of you anything like that so something was taken wrong somewhere along the line. This clears everything up.

She said she was going to tell him that we were going to handle it and do this Sunday, I told her if she does I bet he stops coming around and to just not say anything about it if he messages her or calls. Just to tell let him talk or what. Because I want to see what the kids say Sunday with him sitting there. If they say we never said you two were together or or this was what was really said or just the one says I asked and you said no that was all that was ever said. Because if he is saying the kids said something that they didn’t then I want to know that too. If that is the case then I don’t think he needs to be around if he is going to do stuff like that.

Bff says maybe he just said it wrong or didn’t know how to word it or what. He isn’t much of a talker he don’t like to talk and things. I said I don’t care, don’t come at me saying I was told you said this or this and then not want to talk about it or tell me where it came from what was said or what. It’s like it was said so it is true I’m telling you and your not supposed to have anything to say about it. I don’t get it with him. I told her it’s like he wants someone that he just says what he has to say and that is it your listen and don’t have a response back. That shit don’t fly with me friend or other wise. She says you don’t know how he was done in the past and how he was treated and things. You don’t know what his relationships in the past were like. I don’t care I know everyone comes up with their own coping whatever’s, but you can’t do this kind of thing you are not ever going to get anywhere have more in life.

Like I told her too, I think he still has this very distorted or twisted thought about something I have done or I am doing. It is like all of a sudden he just has this picture or idea about me that is so bad. The comment he made about being out and talking to people and something else he said yesterdays and this.  Just being around him it’s like he really don’t want to be around me but then one minute he is messaging me about his aunt or what then the next its something like this. I don’t know I don’t get it. Like I told Bff, I wish I had just left him alone and never even started talking to him to start with when I looked him up. But I gave him a chance and then I don’t know how or why I fell for him. Then I was okay with just being friends and then he said what he did all of a sudden out of the blue I thought okay try it and now look. I really don’t get it. The comments he made about my working and being with me kids and guys.

Like I told bff so whatever changed his mind is something that I said or done. Before I even drank that night. That day he got in the truck something seemed different then things just snowballed from there. But anyway like I told her okay I screwed up some how some way. Just tell me even if you don’t want to talk about it, fix it have an explanation for it or what. That is fine but tell me so I know what I did wrong. I know not to do that again with someone else or what. I don’t know what bothers me more the feelings I have and the way everything is or the fact that his whole view or thought of me seem to go from good to so bad so fast that I don’t know why. I don’t know for me it is like it has to be pretty bad for him to just say what he did and it bothers me because I don’t know why it bothers me I don’t know why I feel the way I do. I guess because if you say you still want to be friends or we should just be friends then have enough respect for me to at least tell me what the fuck is going on and if it is that bad like you seem to think then why do you still want to be friends? And then dealing with my over all feelings about him on top of it and my feelings in general about life and meeting someone. I am just a mess.

Like I just told bff, I get hit with this this morning that the other day ok you made it clear the other day, I told her no last night, why is he still coming at me with this? I don’t need him to stomp it in. I have and am beating myself up over it all more than anyone could. I don’t need to keep hearing it from him. She knows I like him and wanted to get together and things. But I have never told her how I really felt about him. I had just said to her last night in a messages there was something I had never told her I would tell her when I seen her or talked to her again. Then all this happen I still haven’t told her.

I guess I can’t figure out how we went from I need to get something to drive so he could fix my truck and we need to get my guns out of pawn and he was going to try to fix something he found to get money to do that. To I am basically out whoring around. That is what it really comes down to plain and simple it seems to me with the comment of being home and not talking to lowlifes, what I was doing when I drove that truck and picked up the desk for Mr. Auto and the shower comment after. I don’t get how you go from one extreme to the other in a mater of like 24/48 hours. Then I know the drinking and what happen didn’t help but I really think that didn’t have a lot to do with it. I think this was all things that were said and done before that ever happen. That was just a sliver of it if it was and that if the other had not happen things would of been okay.

I know this is long as fuck and ramble but look what the fuck feelings and guys will do to you. I am ready to shut down go back into my hole and keep to myself. Not talk to anyone not do dinners Sunday nothing no more. Just me and my kids keeping to ourselves. Like they said before I don’t need friends or anything because look what always happens. We or I end up hurt and screwed in the end.

I am upset, hurt and extremely confused with a conversation Bff had with Sleeping Beauty this evening. Me and the kids went over for dinner like we have been doing. After we were done me and her were sitting there talking and looking at our phones.

I got a text and when I got out of it Sleeping Beauties was right there. I had the thought I should message ask him why he missed dinner. At the same time me and her both looked up at each other and said the same thing. I should message him say why did you miss dinner. We hadn’t been talking about him or even messaging each other nothing. Both just had that thought.

I said but I’m not you can. She did and he responded with no one told him or something. She told him he knew we cooked on Sunday sent him a picture of all we made. He said we could get him a plate or something.

From there they started talking. I left it was getting late I had to get kids home. In a bit she messaged said he asked if we were going wednesday night and could he tag along. She told him yes i would be there i still cared about him and wanted to talk to him.

He said……..I’m not talking about anything I’m there to have a good time like the first time I went.

I told her he won’t come I bet since she said that. Who knows.

Other things were said she said something about the stalker guy and she wonder if he would show up we left early last week.

He told her I was probably still talking to him. I have no idea why he would think that.

She said no that I can tell you she is not. She was freaked out when she seen his charges and that isn’t like her to be scared. Something like that anyway.

He said I should spend more time home with my kids than out talking to lowlifes like that.

She said she works nights and hates it and we go out Wednesday to Applebee’s that’s it. What do you mean? He didn’t respond he was eating she was going to bed. I don’t know if he ever did or will or why he said that like he thinks i am out running around all the time.

He said something the other day about me going out all the time to my hiding spot or the beach. I said I don’t do that no more, I am at home or work other than going Wednesday nights. He said really you don’t? I said no back then I did because i was going through a lot but i have not in a long time probably since you left. He said oh that’s good or something.

He also made a comment about making money what i was doing to make it. Other words like I was “working” the streets or doing blowjobs or what. I said I got to do what I got to do or whatever makes the money. Some flipped joke. Later when I picked him up he said something joking around about it. We were laughing talking. He said yeah but the way you said what you did about it was kind of scary. Was like you meant it. We laughed i told him what i was doing.

Tonight while they were talking and things before the kids comment was made something was said.

I said it is like he thinks I am just out here running the streets parting and running around with all these different guys and things. Something isn’t right. I don’t know what he has in his head or why. He jokes and I joke back we always have he should know. I don’t understand. What how he said be with my kids not lowlifes just don’t sound like him either. Something is up but of course he won’t talk. I wonder if he said that because he thought i was there knew they were talking she was telling me what he was saying. Thought i would say something if I was and he said that. I don’t know.

I am very confused by it all. I still feel like shit for drinking and not remembering that night. For screwing things up with him over my issues. I give up im done never be good enough for anyone.

{September 5, 2018}   Off Tomorrow

I been feeling like I should call Sleeping Beauty all weekend but haven’t. I helped bff get the dog to the vet and home. We were talking abouf going to eat. I told her if we weren’t I was going to leave. I was going to call him and see if he would meet me for lunch. But I ended up going with her.

I started to call him while I was at work but I didn’t. We were so slow I sat for hours doing nothing.

I am off tomorrow so I decided when I got off tonight to try and call him. I was going to ask him if we could get together tomorrow after work. It was a little after 9:30 he didn’t answer. I figure I will try in the morning maybe when he should be on his way to work. I might just stop by there I don’t know. I hate doing that though. I don’t like going to peoples jobs. But I would like To get together and talk ask his advice on things.

Maybe get somethings out in the open once and for all. With his phone being off it has been hard to get a hold of him. I just thought he said he has been staying in Palm Bay. Maybe he still is why he hasn’t been on the other phone with data. I don’t know. I just like to be able to get together and talk but at the same time I don’t. Maybe, I’m not supposed to and that is why he’s not answering. I would like to now but I still feel I need to wait a liitle longer first. But I am tired of waiting.

I don’t want to get scared either like I did the other day.

{August 17, 2018}   Looking For Something To Do

Laying here trying to decide what to do. I just got home from Bff’s house. I picked the girls up after work and went over for a bit. As I was leaving there my mother called said she was ready to be picked up in a little bit. She stayed at my sisters last night. I was really hoping she was going to stay there tonight too since I had not heard from her already. I already told the kids I may get called back into work tonight.

I am trying to decide what I am going to do or want to do. I just want a break get out of the house a bit. I don’t really have money to do anything so nothing big. Just go sit at the river or walk the beach.

I messaged Sleeping Beauty and told him he should go to the beach tonight. He didn’t respond back but he is at work who knows what he is doing. That was about 12 something. I messaged him when I was getting ready to leave bff’s house he hasn’t read it. I have to go to the store and go get my mother. Then decide what I am going to do or where to go. I want to drink, I don’t know why. I just do. I could go up the street to this place I go once in awhile. I probably spend $3/$4 drink for free after that. Thats not a good idea because I may not stop and that wouldn’t be good. I may just go walk the beach by myself. I don’t like to but it would probably be good for me.

I am just tired of the only people I really see and talk to being whoever is at work, most the time I am alone, or here at home. And even when me and bff talk and things its different anymore. I need other single people to hang out with and talk to. But aren’t all about partying and going out all the time.


{December 1, 2017}   Another Night at The Beach

Monday I picked him up after I dropped Little Bitty off at school and we went on a hunt to find my oldest a Christmas present I wanted for her. I went to the flea markets over the weekend and they didn’t have them. Someone told me the place I was looking for had closed but had a store so we went there. We went to a few other places looking for things as we waited for them to open because we go up that way early. After we left there we came back to the house and sat here talking and watching TV. My friend called to see if I wanted to go to lunch, she asked what I was doing? I told her watching TV. She was like um okay, are you alone? I said no? She said oh okay. She knows that I am not home in the day time and that if I am I am not watching TV. She said who is there? Is it Starfish(starfish is a joke we have between us) I said yep. She said why is he not at work? I said I don’t know we have been wondering the same thing and can’t figure out why. She had no idea either, she thought he was at work.

We sat here and talked some more after I hung up and then I took him home so he could go do some side work. He said he call me when he was done. Later he got a hold of me and I went and picked him up. We ended up at the beach again. We went and walked down the beach talking and goofing off. We walked almost two miles down the beach, didn’t even notice how far we walked. We sat down and talked for a long time then had to make the walk back. It did’t seem that far until it got late and we started walking it back. We came back here to the house and watched TV. I went heated up something to eat and we went to sleep. My bed is messed up I still have to get the box spring put back on it we slept on the couches. Not that it was a big deal where he would have been sleeping anyway if it was fixed.

In the morning I work up to Little Bitty poking me and giving me this look. I said what and she looked at me and looked at him. I just laughed and she went on. I got some sideways looks from the other as well. But none of them said anything.


{October 30, 2017}   Seen A Friend

Friday night me and my friend took her two little ones and my 4 to the trunk or treat at Little Bitty’s school. We were leaving and a guy called my name. I turned and looked and it was a guy I worked with at Mc Donald’s. I stopped and went back he came up and gave me a big hug and was asking how I was doing and everything. I was kind of surprised that he hugged me as we talked at work here and there a few times and we say things in passing or ask each other to do this or that or something but nothing like we were close or anything. I enterduced the kids and we were talking about the event and things. He said it was the only thing he could find to bring his kids and their friends to that wasn’t for 12 and under.

We got onto the subject of work he said well they have hired 10 new people since you left and 15 have left, you can do the math. I said well you know I told her I would do this shift so I could get in and get out two bosses thought it was great but the one with the final say didn’t so. It wasn’t like I was asking for someone else shift or for them to make an opening on that shift, they had no one to cover that shift as it was so it would have worked good. I also told him that because of the other manager was also why I left. That it was to the point that it wasn’t going to end well between me and her we were going to end up having words or something and I would be out of there anyway. He said she is on her way out because of the way she talks to people and treats people. He said he had it out with her and I told him I told the other boss about them getting into it that he hadn’t done nothing wrong she just got nasty with him how she had talked to me that day already that I was ready to leave. I told him that we are adults a lot older than her that we are not stupid and do not need someone standing over us like we are two and that we are not going to be talked to and treated like we are, that we come in do our work are told every day by all the other bosses what a great job we are doing then she is the only one that acts that way because she is on a power trip and it isn’t going to go over well. He said no and others had told them they were leaving and left because of her as well so they are not happy with her and she is on her way out real soon. He said he is finally down to 5 days a week they had him working 7 days a week and crazy hours and over time.

I find it funny that these places let one employee run off many good ones before they do something about it or get rid of them. I think the only reason he is still there is because he is making more than me and don’t have to work with her as directly as I had to. He can kind of avoid her and deal with the other bosses. Or even let them go because they want to change shifts and you don’t like it because you can be all high and might ruler and decide what shift they get. Instead why not say okay it is open lets train you and see how you do? Rather than now have to find someone for that shift and the one you put the in that they could not do so they left. It is the truth all the bosses there but the one would tell me every day how good of a job i was doing and how great it was that I was picking it up so fast for not having much training and things.

{October 22, 2016}   Random Thought # 4

I got up and stopped to feed the fish and things in the tank, because I am really not sure when they were fed last. I as I was putting the different foods in I had the thought, how are you going to go talk to some stranger and tell them all about your problems and what is wrong with with you? You don’t know this person from any other person on the street and your going to tell them all your flaws and problems? You are so careful to not let anyone in but then you are going to just go pour it all out to this person you don’t know. You only have one person you have told the darkest of the dark to and you have known him for 26 years. How are you going to just go in there and tell someone you have never met?

Is she going to ask questions? Just expect you to talk? What is she going to want to talk about? The bigger question is what do I want to talk about? Why am I going there? I don’t know really, I do and I don’t I guess. It is hard to explain it is kind of like writing on here sometimes you have a ton to say it just over flowing, while other days you have nothing at all to say and may not write for days even though your goal is to write every day or every few days.

I honestly in my head going I don’t know I don’t know the answer to any of these questions. If I don’t know now how am I supposed to talk to this person Tuesday when I go in?

This is what I have been thinking about sine. I just have a really hard time opening up to people I don’t know and do not trust anyone really. Oh well I guess I will do like always and just wait and see.

et cetera
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