{November 1, 2019}   Happy Halloween

I’m a little late but it has been a crazy busy day. I worked about about 4.5 hours today. I was supposed to work until 3 but got off around 230. I posted I was leaving at 3 today to be with the kids a month ago. The Pops said he could work for me so he came in later today. Then the guys got back about 230 walked in and said bye. I said oh now I’m being thrown out and laughed. They said yeah get out of here. I laughed said okay thanks and left. My work was done I just finished sewing Little Bitty’s costume. I stopped got gas then came straight home and got everyone ready for tonight and picked up pizza for dinner.

We met my sister and her husband and kids went and trick or treated. They all had fun. I was a little bothered by the way people treated the older kids.

Yes my teens went trick or treating with us. We have always gone as a family from the time we started having kids. My sister was young still when I had my oldest we pushed her around in the stroller. Baby wasn’t even a year old no bag. We all just walked together get out do something. Did not expect candy for the baby.

We went the following years together and now that she has two kids we all go. My oldest went to a few houses when we started then started lagging back I tell her go have fun she go then lag back. As it got darker she went to more. I kept asking her what was wrong did someone say something or do something and she said no.

Walking out and back to the car we were talking because Little Bitty said her bag was to heavy and wanted someone to carry it. I looked and was shocked how much she had. My oldest said yeah people were giving the little kids handfuls then would look at her and drop one or two pieces in her bag. I was shocked.

I do not understand why people are so bent out of shape about the teens trick or treating. I say good for them they are not out egging houses, stealing little kids bags, drinking and driving or any number of other things they could be. They aren’t coming late at night, or being rude or mean or running over the little kids. They were being respectful, they were in costumes and most were with family and friends. Enjoying a nice evening out. So do people feel the need to treat them this way?

Trust me I have seen them where they are rude, loud, nasty, run over the little kids to be the first to the candy and everything else. I in that situation wouldn’t give candy either and say something. But they in no way were out of line.

People talk about teens not wanting to be with their family or spend time with them or families not doing things together this is part of the reason why everyone wants to exclude older kids from activities and things or make them feel uncomfortable if they do come. Not just trick or treating but other things the community puts on as well. Then hardly ever have things for the older ones at all and wonder why so many run the streets and are in trouble.

My sister said at least you got some I didn’t even get one peice. Not that we expected to or anything. But I thought and said oh yeah. We didn’t.

See when I was buying my house we would all go trick or treat from the front to the back of the neighborhood. Our aunt lived back there we would walk to her house and back. I bet half the houses we went to gave all the kids a bunch of candy all of them no matter how big or small. We would come home the baby would have a bag of candy. Even telling them no and that’s okay they can’t eat it. They say it’s Halloween they need to join in have fun too. Half of them would then hand the adults some too. Or when talking about the baby not being big enough they would say but mom and dad are and smile. The candy all was dumped in a big bag together when we got home everyone shared. The kids are most of it. We were just taking them to have fun not expecting anything. But it’s the point why are some that way but then you get a whole area that acts like it’s the end of the world if teens come by? I truly don’t understand people’s thinking sometimes.

It reminds me of when I deliver pizza’s. If I go to nicer area’s of town it can be pouring rain you just drove 10 miles (no joke we went pretty far away from shop to deliver) you walk up to a $500,000 home sitting right on the river. They hand you a $1 tip, a handful of change maybe $2 if your lucky.

I turn around drive a mile or two from the shop make my way through the trailer park pull up to the trailer I’m going to give them their pizza and they hand you $5, $8 up to $10 sometimes. Most was $5 to $8 tips in those area’s. Parts of town no one wanted to go they were scared to go to I was the one they sent I would get $4 to $6 and more for a tip.

To night we were in a “nicer” area they have tons of people every year come through there. That is how they do. But then the areas we tricker treat by my house and my sister aren’t the “nicer” area but not the trailer park or areas where people are scared to go. Just your average area and they are pushing candy into everyones hand and upset if they don’t take it.

Makes you really stop and think about what people you want to deal with and from what area when it comes down to it. I wouldn’t mind going by my old house but it didn’t look like many houses were doing anything and we were going to meet up with Bff up that way. Anyway end of my vent rant or whatever you want to call it. Guys if teens come to your door just give them the dam candy. I mean really think about it what is it going to hurt? You helped keep a kid from a party where who knows what could happen. You let a kid spend a fun night with their family and they didn’t feel out of place awkward or bored. How would you feel if it was your kid and someone treated them that way or said something?

Anyway I hope you all had a good night. If you dressed up share a picture in the comments.

I do not normally share pictures but we have mask. Me and my oldest son. He photo bombed me. I am glad he did because I really like the picture. He was a plague doctor. I just collected parts of others as they got tired of wearing them. Little Bitty’s hat kept falling off and she got tired of tripping over and dropping her broom. My niece got hot in her mask on the way back to the car. The head of the broom fell off. I told everyone I crashed my broom that’s why it was gone lol.


{February 15, 2017}   Things all Girls Should Know

This was one of the first post that popped up on my reader tonight when I logged on and I can’t say how much I agree with this and feel that all girls should be taught these things. I am guilty of so many of them, I at times wish I had done things differently even in my teen years. After you read her post you can read on to see how well I can relate and where I messed up in life.


aka: The things I wish someone taught me when I was a pre-teen girl. Dating should be about figuring out what you want and what you don’t want. For some reason when I was young I had this mentality that every person I dated was going to be “forever.” I can remember even as young as […]

via Things I’ve learned about dating from an abusive relationship — Divorcing a Narcissist Blog


One I can’t say I was guilty of, I was the complete opposite of number one. I went into every relationship when I was younger knowing it wasn’t going to last long at all surely not long enough to get married. I don’t know why I didn’t feel that way or look at them that way because I can say about 99% of everyone else in school felt that way it seemed.

It really was one reason I wasn’t running around having sex with everyone that walked across my path and offered or wanted to. I hadn’t really met but one person I was interested in that way and even him all I could think was if I get pregnant do I really want it to be with this person or that person and have to deal with them the rest of my life? Yes I know it sounds crazy and who thinks of these things at that age but these were the things I thought about more often than not. It’s funny because I wanted to get married young and start a family. But I didn’t want to start before I finished high school. I wanted to get married shortly after high school and start a family. I wanted to be done having kids by the time I was 25. But I also knew that the guys I was dating early on were not guys I really interested in doing that with.

two I should have listen more to friends and my own gut instinct when it came to Father of the Year. A few friends said something about him and us together and how we were not anything a like and how he was. But again he was another one that even thought I was older I never expected it to last at all. I figured he would be gone in a week or two. I not ever dealt with someone like him, even though everyone else said something and my head and guy was saying no no I thought what the hell why it last it never will. Guess what. boy was I wrong. My friend and his uncle I lived with kept telling me you need to think about this, what are you doing with him, you can do so much better, you have done so much better, what are you thinking you never date guys like this? I didn’t listen. I wasn’t going to let it go far it wasn’t going to last, I was going to scare him off because I don’t talk to and date guys like this it’s just a what the hell not doing anything else at the moment kind of thing.

Not only should you watch how he treats others and pets but also how dose his family treat him compared to his siblings? How do they treat him over all? Dose his family keep him at a distance, do they not include him in things, do they just seem to tolerate him being there but not really happy or indifferent to him? Do they call him? If so how often? What do they want when they call? Do they just call when they need or want something or do they call to see whats going on and chat? I should have known when I got with Father of the Year and he was all but homeless and had no money to eat and hardly money to pay rent every week and his something was wrong. I should have known that something wasn’t right when his family only called him twice in 6 months and that was because they needed their car to work on then changed their mind. I should have knew something was wrong when his parents lived 30 miles away with his brother but never came around, never called. The only time he seen them was if he called and went down there. They didn’t care that he had no money, no food, and was homeless and bouncing from place to place. They had extra room made decent money and could have let him stay with them a little bit and get back on his feet. The never offered. They acted as if they could careless when he was there for family gatherings. It was just odd, he said it was because he didn’t go to school and had gotten in trouble right before he was to leave for the Air Force. After a while I don’t believe it I think there is something else there and no one talks about it. Also do they have friends? How do his friends treat him? Does he have more than one or two that they are close to and do things with or is he kind of the 3 rd wheel with the two he has? That says a lot too.

Losing ones self I am way to guilty of this, after we got together I stopped talking to and seeing a lot of my friends. Once things started getting bad between us I with drew from everyone and had not friends and talked to just about no one. When we split up the only real friend I had I was talking to was my One Good Friend. We had just really started talking again and often and Father of the Year didn’t really say anything about that because he was married at the time. They bought a house about two blocks away from me so we talked and seen each other a lot. But other than that I didn’t have any friends. I met one girl from school where my son went right about the time things started getting bad and he liked her so I was okay to talk to her too. Mostly I sat in the house with the kids or going to the things they were involved in. When I was in school and me and the girls would go out for drinks once a week or ever other week he hated it and would get so mad and pout and be pissed off he couldn’t go. He didn’t really have friends at all when we were together. His one best friend got killed not long after we got together. Other than that he didn’t have friends he went out with, talked to or ever seen or did anything with.

When I got with RC I was starting to talk to other people go places and meet new people. I was going to church and had joined a women’s group and was making friends. I met him and I dropped it all. I had plans again to go to school and things I wanted in life. I met him that all went out the window and I put my all into my kids, him and his kids. He was working I was taking care of everyone make sure everything was done. It was only until we could get moved then I was going to start school and go to work. But to be honest I don’t think I ever would have if we had stayed together. I was happy I loved him and I loved the kids, for once in my life I was happy. Maybe for the first time in my life I was happy. Maybe not in my life but for the first time since I was in my teens I could truly say I was happy. I was in love for the first time in my life and I had the best family anyone could ever want or ask for in our kids. They did things and tried things but when it came down to it they all were good kids. As much as I wanted to go to school and things I would have been just as happy to go to work and help take care of my family. Unlike with Father of the Year we had friends together and did things together and with our friends. He had friends we hung out with and I had friends we hung out with as well as friends we meet while we were together.

But at the end of the day when you took the relationship away I had nothing. I had put my everything into it and nothing for or to do with just me. I put all my plans on the back burner. Here I sit with hardly anyone that I talk to anymore, two more years down and not in school when it was all over. I have decided this time around I am going to school and I am not going to stop going for anyone. If they can’t handle being worked around school and when I have a sitter for the kids then to bad they can move on. I have settled and put my life on the back burner for way to long and now I am not doing that again for anyone.

And the love yourself first, I thought that I did but now I sit and wonder, did I? How do you know if you love yourself? When did I stop? Why did I stop? I must still some right because I got out?

{February 9, 2017}   A Little Privacy Please

How much privacy do you give your kids? Is it different depending on age? How and in what areas? This came up today and has in the past in a parenting group that I am in on line. I am shocked at the responses that everyone but a few give. Topic of the day was cell phones and text.

A mom had taken away her 13 daughters phone because she was on it when she was told not to be. Okay fine would do the same thing, but then mom goes through the phone and reads the daughters text between her and her 14 year old friend. She seen a conversation about sex. She waned to talk to her about it but not break her trust and make her feel she invaded her privacy.

Everyone jumped in saying she has no privacy and is entitled to none she is living in her house she is paying the bill. Tell her she can’t talk to the friend anymore, tell her that what she was talking about was not appropriate for her to be talking about, block the friend so she can’t call her text and don’t let her go around said friend anymore. How their kids are not allowed to have anything private they read and look at anything and everything at any given time and their kids know it, their friends know as well. That if they want privacy they can have it when they move out, just on and on. I was not the popular one in the mix I am sure and was super surprised I didn’t get jumped all over and hung out to dry.

I said I wouldn’t tell her I read her text, I would sit down and have a talk with her about sex or a more in depth talk about sex with her and talk about the things that were brought up in the text. I would let her know how I feel about them and my beliefs and let her know that she could ask any questions at anytime I would be there to talk about whatever with her. I also said that I was not surprised at all by the topic of conversation if the other girl went to pubic school because of the things I heard first hand in the halls, from friends kids and their parents about what they come home from school talking about from about 4th grade and up. That I would not tell her that she could not talk to this friend anymore or see her because it was just a normal topic of conversation that was going to come up and even more as she got older between her and her friends if not this one another one. It is true I don’t care what school your child goes to if it is public or private even the odds are they are going to know about these things and be talking about them first hand rather you know it, like it or want it to happen or not.

I don’t feel taking all your kids privacy or giving them none to start with is the answer to keeping them from talking about things that you don’t want them to talk about or knowing about things you are not ready for them to know about. I think that trust, privacy and all of those things are something that a child gets until they give you a reason to worry or to not give it. Even then it depends why you feel they should not have it or it should not be given. It is a fine line that once you cross is hard to come back from and restore for a lot of people. It is’t something that should just be given and taken back and forth all the time when it comes to private things like phones, computers, tablets, going places, seeing friends, what friends they have even. I find these to be areas you really have to decide if that is a battle you want to pick because it isn’t done at this one incident it has lasting affects and repercussions. My kids have facebook and they message friends and family on there. Well my oldest 13 does when she has access to a computer or tablet. I set the account up for her long a go and gave her the password to it and things. It is private and people can’t friend her unless they know information that most people don’t know. She knows that she needs to ask me before she adds anyone to her page be it friends or family. She also knows that I have the password and that I can log in and look at it anytime I want. She also knows that I don’t check her messages or log in to her account. I did one time and that was when my dad was sick or just after she passed because her friends mom told me something she seen when her daughter and mine were talking or something her daughter said to her about something that was said between them. I talked to her and she said she was okay and that was about it. I just told her that her friend had said something to her mom or her mom had seen something they were saying and was worried about her and wanted to make sure she was alright. When me and the mom talked I told her what my daughter had said and she was  a little worried because she felt there was a little more to it or something was wrong. I logged on and read the messages between the two girls. Whatever it was I wasn’t really worried about it so I never said anything. She was only 11 at the time and she really don’t care if I check them she even told me she didn’t care. I told her I needed the password but that I wouldn’t use it unless I really felt that something was wrong with her or one of her friends they were in danger or something like that. My friend was worried then because of all we had been going through with my dad and my daughters having her problem with eating in the past and just something she said did’t sit well with her and she had a eating disorder growing up so she whatever was said kind of made her stop and worry. If it hadn’t been something like that I would have never looked at her stuff. I talked to her about it again later and told her what we were worried about and and that our friend was still not comfortable with the information she seen or heard because it was just pieces but enough to make her still worry. I ask her if she knew what she was talking about by the little that she knew and she said no not really. I asked her if we could look back at where they were talking and see if we could find what she was talking about and what was said to make it sound like something that we may be needed to be worried about? She said yes go ahead you have the password. I just told her I didn’t want to go behind her back and do it or not tell her that she could sit there with me and look through it. She said no I’m tired I am going to bed but if you want to look and see you can. I looked and whatever it was was a simple miss understanding but I was glad that my friend and her friend were worried enough to not just let it go knowing that she could say everything was fine and I not figure out until things were bad because my oldest keeps everything inside and not talk about it to much. She will say just like me I’m fine. She knows that there are just some things that you can’t not say anything about and you can’t get mad at a friend or someone for telling if you say it. She will tell her friends if it is something that someone needs to know about I am telling because I care to much to see something happen or you do something that may not ever be able to be undone or forgotten. I am going to tell my mom I am not going to lie to you about it or not tell you before hand but I have to. There are just somethings that we agree I can not keep secret and not tell, if I do then I will get in trouble. Thank God so far we have not had to worry about it. A lot of her friends and even my friends kids will come to me and talk to me about things. They know if I feel their parents need to know then we will go to them together and talk about it. And I have had a few come and want to talk and say I know your probably going to say you have to tell my parents but I need to talk or whatever. When they are done most the time it isn’t as bad as they think it is and I will tell them no we don’t have to tell your parents but if you want to and want me to I will go with you why you do, tell them for you or we can go talk to them together. Most don’t once or twice they say yeah they want to or that they are going too later. A lot of times the parents will tell me later so and so said you all talked to day and told me this or that. I just say yes and everything is good. I don’t get all into it unless they tell them something way off from what we talked about or what was said. My kids know they have a few of my friends that they can talk to instead of me but that the same rules apply as if it was their kid coming to me.

I can not imagine telling my kid they can’t talk to someone because of the subject they are talking about, they can’t be friends with someone because of the things they talk about or going through their stuff just because. It makes no since to me why people feel that teens should not have any privacy at all until they are grown and out of the house. To me that teaches them nothing about boundaries and things like that. Do they really think it is going to keep them from talking about these things? They can’t be there in person with them all the time to see what they are talking about. One person even said they will just hide sneak and delete text or messages off their stuff. Others were all saying it’s ok there is an app that will show deleted ones and there is an app that will send everyone to your phone or email every time a message or text is sent so you will still know. Who has enough time in a day to even sit and go through all that and read them all even if you done it once a week that is still a lot of messages to go through if your kid has a friend and that is the main way they get to talk and things. They even look at everything they look at on line or on the internet on their phones and computers. I seen so many say oh no my kid isn’t allowed to have any computer or internet we don’t have the in the house or use them I only use them to print school stuff out and do my own thing on the kids are not allowed to touch them. How is a child who is never allowed to use a computer supposed to learn to type and use one to do anything with or look things up to find out information or how to do basics with it to even be able to get a job when they are grown or go to collage? Or even use a phone if they are not allowed to have one? To me that is doing your kids a huge disservice and putting them at a huge disadvantage as much as computers are used now in just about everything you do in life.

I feel that if I can’t give my kid pricey and trust them with these things then I have not done my job as a parent. A child should be able to pick their friends, have private conversations be it in person, text or whatever form they decide. I feel that if you are to strict it is going to do just what you are trying to keep from happening to start with or at least keep them from being open and honest with you. My mom was this way and controlling I did not trust her, I told her nothing I hid everything no matter how simple or how large it was I told her nothing. She didn’t go through my stuff but if I left notes or something laying out she would read them and then have a fit about whatever was in them or who they were too. She didn’t like my friends and just on and on. I feel that I do not have to like my child’s friends or approve of them, I do not have to know everything they talk about. I trust that I have raised my kids to think for their self and to know right from wrong and to not just follow the crowd to be liked or fit in. You can be liked and fit in without doing everything the crowd is doing. If you have respect for yourself and your morals and values. Others who are friend will as well and not care if you don’t do everything they do. I had friends from every age, grade, gender, sexual orientation, race, social group or whatever you can think of when I was in High School and Jr High. Because I was like I am now this is me take it or leave it, you are you if your not a asshole then we can be friends. Most were more worried about their click or social circle and if you didn’t fit in then they couldn’t talk to you or sit with you. I was just that girl in the class that kept to herself and could careless what the rest of you were doing. If you talk to me I will talk to you but I am not going out of my way to talk to you or befriend you. You would be amazed how many just wanted someone to talk to about their problems at home or whatever and they all seemed to think I was the one person that they could do that with even though I wasn’t in their click or social group they ran in. I was very private and did not talk about my life or home or anything like that with many at all. There are people to this day that do not know who my brothers and sisters are and know us both. Because we are not close we don’t talk much and I didn’t hang around them or talk about them. I also only had very few people over and did things with very few even though I talked to and was known by a lot of kids at school. I did not consider myself popular I have not clue why everyone felt drawn to me and like they could just open up and dump their life story on me or all their problems at home on me. I guess maybe because I didn’t talk to everyone else or tell everyone else what we talked about or that we talked at all. I didn’t spread their business around school or judge them. What you do you do our relationship, friendship, class partner or whatever is biased on how you treat me.

I hope that my kids are able to do that and fit in and get a long with and include everyone. I tell them they can talk to me about anything and everything if they need to or want too. I can’t force them to or snoop in their stuff to find out what is going on. I have to trust that they are becoming adults and are going to need to learn how to function in the real world before they hit 18. So many of these parents are just like nope nothing until they are out of my house this is how it has been with all my kids and they are great whatever. But how close are you really to your kids? Like my mom will tell you how we get along and how close we are (maybe not now since I haven’t seen her in a while or talked to her) but over all most the time she will. She thinks she knows all about my life and what is going on in it and how I am. She really knows nothing. She knows very little of how my life really is, how I really feel about things, the things I really do, the people I talk to, “date” or “talk” to in that since or anything. Stuff she does know she isn’t told about until after the fact sometimes long after the fact. But most things she knows nothing about. She don’t know I have a friend I talk to or go see. She don’t know my oldest just dyed her hair teal tonight, she don’t know who I talk to as friend or if or when we go place. She don’t know if I am thinking about dating or if I want to date, she don’t know I am seeing a counselor the last 4 months or that I am on medication for it. She wasn’t happy I went to the hospital by myself and wanted to come. She don’t know why I went by myself and didn’t want her there or that I am planing on moving once I finish school or that I am thinking about moving up to where the therapist is going. She had no clue that when the storm came me and the kids were only going because we wanted to look for places to move not because we were worried the storm may hit us. I could have stayed here went across the street stayed in the shelter why the worse of it went over us and then came home in case a tree fell on the house. If I had known what was going to happen I would have. But if you hear her talk we have a great relationship talk about everything I tell her everything we are the perfect mother daughter. When she isn’t pissed off about something I have done she found out about. We live maybe 8 miles away. We have such a great relationship that she didn’t even know that my and Father of The Year were having any kind of problems much less about to file for a divorce and split up it was set in stone no turning back. She still has no clue what happen between me and RC why he did what he did. All she knows is what he told her and that is it. I really don’t care. I don’t feel it is really any of her business. She can believe what she wants to believe.

When I see all these parents talking about how they done it with their kids and how they had no privacy and how they are so strict and things and their relationships are great I just think how well do you really know your kid and how great is it? I wonder if their kids really do tell them everything and trust them or if like me they just don’t bring things up and don’t tell them things because of the way they are and they think they do?

I am not saying that what I am doing is the only way, right way 0r that I am better than anyone else because I give my kids privacy. Who knows if my kids will tell me things when they get older as they do now or if we will be close like I hope and that we are now. I like to think we will be the way they talk about not wanting to leave home or taking care of me when I am older and building me a house to live in next to theirs so I can still have my own house and not have to live with anyone because they know I like having my space and house. I can tell you when I was my older two kids age and even before all I could think about and talk about was how much I hated it at home, how much I wanted to live with my dad not my mom and that I couldn’t wait to move out on my own if I couldn’t live with my dad. I can still remember when we were younger and something was said about when my mom got old or needed someone to take care of her my sister who was about Big Guys age said she would take her and my step dad in and take care of them. My brother was “joking” about what nursing home he would put her in and I just got gone and stayed out of it. And how mad she got when I told her if she committed a crime I would turn her in if I found out. Not just here but anyone really but she was asking about her because of something we seen in the news or in the news paper.

I feel horrible can’t sleep and have a guest in my bed yet another night this week who is taking it all up. I am hot but it is already 77 in here if i turn it down cooler the kids will get cold. I have the fan on in my room because I am hot. Last night I didn’t think it was going to get cool and it did most everyone woke up with a sore throat. I try to set the heat one or two below what we normally keep it in here at night just in case. I have so much I need to do tomorrow and I am going to just want to sleep if I don’t go soon. I may just take the kids to school come home sleep for a little bit then go do what I need too. I have ran non stop it seems like since Thursday or been sick I need a break and some sleep without knees in my back feet in my face elbows in the head. That isn’t going to happen unless they are at school. Little Bitty has been extra clingy lately I don’t know if it is because I am sick or what.

{January 30, 2017}   13 Years Ago

At this time I was laying in the hospital in labor with my oldest. My water hadn’t broke but it started leaking about dinner time the evening before. I waited awhile before I told anyone and called the midwife. We got to the hospital around 10 pm. The midwife told me on the phone not to expect to stay it was probably not my water. She said bring a bag in case but not to plan to stay. She also told me I couldn’t go to the hospital I wanted to go to like the others had told me I could. She wasn’t to friendly at all when I called and I wasn’t happy to hear she was the one on call when I called in. I took a shower and went over there. They got me in the room, checked me and did some little test. It was my water leaking. Since it was leaking she said I had to stay but I wasn’t really dilated yet. She said we had to hook me up to poticen to get labor started since my water had been broke for all those hours before I came in. I said it was just leaking a little not broke but she said it didn’t matter hospital rules. At the time I really didn’t care to much I just wanted to have this baby and have it over with. She was due in two days and I was ready for her to have been here a week or two before. She wasn’t due until Feb the 2nd and She dropped really low December the 8 th. I was huge and miserable as well. I had went from 108 pounds to 148 pounds. I had never been anywhere near that big in my life. If they were going to make her get out lets do it. I been begging them to do it before now they wouldn’t. I din’t know a lot of things I know now that I knew then or things would not have went the way they did.

They hooked me to the pit and waited for something to happen and it didn’t. They decided they needed to up it every half hour until contractions started. They never really did start good until about 230 am when all of a sudden my water broke. From then on the contractions started and they started hitting hard. Not only that but I started to shake and feel sick after a little bit, I puked up everything I had eaten that day and then some it felt like. After that I still couldn’t stop shaking, I looked like I was having convolutions or something. I was having some contractions but nothing major and not close together really so it wasn’t from that. I really wasn’t in pain just shaking. I asked to talk to the midwife they told me she be in. I asked a few times she never came in. I told them finally I wanted an epidural so they said that she would be in to check me before they gave it because they don’t like to give it to soon but can’t give it to far along either. She never came in, I asked for her again and was told she decided to wait until they put it in to check me so it wouldn’t hurt as bad. I wanted to talk to her before I got it but could not get her in there. I finally just got it without talking to her. They came in to do it and told Father of the Year he had to leave until they were done. I wasn’t happy about that but if that what it took to get it see yeah later. I just wanted to stop shaking. The nurse gave me a pillow and told me to hold it in front of me and bend around it into a ball arching my back and not to move. They said they couldn’t put it in if I was moving. They said they wanted to do it during a contraction it wouldn’t hurt as bad. Fuck that how am I supposed to not move during a contraction? They guy doing it got a little angry with my for moving but the nurse who was with me then was great she said something to him about the way he was acting and because he was getting mad he wanted to get it done and get out of there. It wasn’t even like he been there long or tried a million times and I was just not doing what he was asking. I moved twice and that was because of the contraction. He finally done it between them and it hurt it hurt like hell. But it was in and now I would get some relief from the shaking.

Or so I thought I would get relief from the shaking it didn’t go away and to make matters worse I started itching. Not just a little itch here or there I was itching all over my back and chest. I was scratching like crazy telling Father of the Year to scratch my back and everything. He kept saying he was and it just felt like he was rubbing it not scratching it. I asked them and they said oh no it was normal it was just a reaction but they didn’t have to take it out. I guess he put it in the wrong spot as well because I was numb from about my breast down. Right after they put it in and I got back to my room or they left my room not sure if I left or they came to me but either way I was in my room everyone was gone. In a minute the nurse comes in and starts looking at the print out of the contractions and watching the machine and I could tell something wasn’t right. She said that my contractions were coming on top of each other one after the other they just kept peaking but not dropping. By now I wasn’t feeling anything. They turned the pit down and sat there with me for a little bit and they finally went back to normal. I felt like I had to go to the bathroom every 5 minutes and all I could do now was use the bed pan. They dropped me off of it and almost into the floor because they didn’t have a hold of me good and let go after they got me lifted off the bed and I couldn’t feel my legs or do anything for my self. I hated the feeling from it and wished I had not gotten it because I was still shaking and it just made me itch and maid things worse.

The midwife finally came in at 6.30 told me that I was around 3 cm I wouldn’t have the baby before lunch at least maybe longer. She said they needed to put a catheter in because I wasn’t draining my balder and it was slowing labor. I didn’t want it but she said I needed it blah blah c section blah blah. I said ok fine and let them do it. After she did that and told me a few other things she left my room. In 30 minutes I told Father of the Year I needed to push. He just looked at me, I called for the nurse and she came in I told her I needed to push. She said oh you aren’t that far you were just at 3 a little bit ago you probably just feel like that because of the catheter. I said no I am ready to push where is the midwife? She said oh she left already and the other one isn’t here yet let me check you. She checked me and said oh your right she is right there stop pushing and just wait the other midwife will be here in a little bit and went on getting the room ready and just walking around like nothing. I said um no I have to push she kept saying just breath through it just breath through it. I told her I couldn’t and this went on for about 20 minutes me wanting me to not push. I tried not to but it got bad I told Father of the Year I was pushing he better get over there to catch the baby. He looked at me and kind of chuckled. I said I am not joking I mean it I am pushing now you better get over there. Then he looked horrified and about that time the other midwife came in. I pushed some but by that point with trying not to push and breathing through them and things I lost the urge to push. Then the heart rate dropped and they called for the doctor to be called then in a minute her heart rate dropped again and they yelled that the doctor was to already be called why wasn’t he. He came in he told me I wasn’t pushing right and all this bullshit after they told me not to for so long. The midwife cut me then he cut me again there was still problems. They kept trying the vacuum it kept coming off her head. It was such a horrible delivery I was so tired and felt so bad because of the way the doctor and was treating me and everyone rushing around. I had a really hard time bonding with my baby after all that and everything. It was months and months before I really felt a bond with her.

I finally had her at 756 am just 5 hours after my water broke She was 6 lbs 4 oz and 19 inches long. She was tiny she wore preemie clothes for the first few months. By 4 months old she was 20 lbs and wearing year old clothes.

Today she is a tall, gorgeous, funny and wicked smart 13 year old. I can not believe all that we have been through together in 13 years. In ways it seems like she shouldn’t be this old yet and then thinking about everything it seems like she should be older. Really she is much older and smarter than 13 but she is a really good kid over all.

I hope she had a great day and I can’t wait to surprise her with a party or something.

et cetera
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