{May 31, 2017}   Stopped Working

I have not been around much because I have been so tired and hardly functioning for a week or more. I have been passing out at 10 or 11 pm, sleeping until 10 the next morning and then still laying around doing nothing until all hours of the after noon the last three days. I have been extra tired other days and laying around too but have had to get up go to work, shopping and other things. If I have to get up I will but if I don’t, I won’t. I feel like I sit there fighting to hold my eyes open it is so bad. I am starting to feel tired tonight but hadn’t up until a little bit ago and it is now 2 am. I have been back in my medication for a little bit now too and it is not knocking me out like it use to. It isn’t even making me sleepy when I take it. Most nights I forget to take it get up about 12 or so and take it then go back to bed. I have taken it in the morning a few times when I forgot to take it at night and it isn’t effecting me at all.

I do not think it is helping in any way at all anymore honestly, I feel like I did before I got on it, can’t sleep for days or weeks at a time then all I want to do is sleep for days at a time. I am so aggravated and annoyed by every little thing. The kids are driving me up the wall to the point I just want to walk out and leave or start drinking. I still don’t know what is up with the wanting to drink so bad when I get like this. That is new and I never had that before. I am calling tomorrow to get back in with the doctor to see if they can up my medication or if they have to change it to something else. I hope they get me in this week because I I don’t know if I can keep doing this like this. I know being sleepy just makes it worse because I just want to be left alone and not hear anything or deal with anything. I have to go to work tomorrow and I hope that everything goes smooth and nothing bothers me there and I don’t snap. I go see the therapist this week too. Maybe if they can’t get me in to the doctor to change it she can call them and tell them they need to phone something in or call me and do something not leave me hanging for to long to wait on getting this straight.

I was reading about my medication and it says it is good for short term use but not very long term use and that it is dosed at 5 and they told me the lowest was 10 and have me on 10. I think the pill comes in 10 but it is mint to be broken in half if need be and my doctor or therapist didn’t know that. It says that the max you can take is 20 but there was no real difference seen at 20 than 10 so basically if 10 isn’t working or you have been on it for very long they probably should change you to something else. I am kind of scared to take something else. But I have to take something because I can’t keep going like this.

I know the other therapist I was seeing said they start you out on a dose and then sometimes once it gets in your system they have to go back and up it a little or something like that but that you need to be on a lower dose for a week or two before they can do that. She said sometimes the lower isn’t enough. But I think that medications have such a affect on me they didn’t have to up it but now that I have been on it for so long it isn’t working anymore I have built up a tolerance to it. I know I do that pretty quick as well with most things. I wish I could see my other therapist again instead of the one I have. She is nice and everything but I still like the other one better. We just worked good together. I felt I got more out of my time when I seen the other than I do now.

I guess I need to go to bed and try to sleep tonight. Hope I am not flipping now and going to be up for days on end like the other week. Not sure witch would make for a longer day tomorrow. But I like having this job it gives me something to get up get out of the house and do.

I went to the other job interview I had Monday, it was a waste of time. I will tell you more about that later. I have to try and get some sleep now.

{January 24, 2017}   Last Appointment

I had my last appointment with my therapist today, next time I go I will be seeing the new lady. She was going to give me to one but our timing didn’t work out with me having to be in class those two days a week. She ended up giving me to her boss, she said they are both really good and either one would work good with me. She asked if I still wanted to keep coming I told her yes, I told her I didn’t know what the next two weeks were going to be like with it coming up on the time since I lost my dad and dealing with everything else that is going on. For the most part I feel a lot better and probably could stop going, then there are still days that I just want to say fuck it or I’m like how far off is my appointment because I’m about to lose it? I guess it gives me someone to vent to that don’t have to deal with me but once every two weeks. She told me if I needed anything at all I could call her or email her since I have her email. I was glad about that in case this don’t work out with the other I can ask her who the first one she was going to have me see was and see if she can set it up. I don’t know how easy or hard switching around like that is so or isn’t there because I haven’t had to do it.

She asked what I was doing for myself she does all the time. I told her nothing more than the normal I come on here at night and screw around on line after the kids go to bed. She asked if I was getting out or dating or anything like that. I said nope I don’t have a sitter to get out and do anything other than when kids are at school. Where you going to go or meet anyone then? She asked how old my oldest was I told her she will be 13 Monday so not really old enough to watch the younger two on her own. She agreed she was a little young. I said yes and my 3 year old is a handful and my next oldest from the 13 year old is high functioning autism. I said I could leave him by himself or with her he would be fine but if anything ever happen even if it had nothing to do with him and the things he has going on and they were all there together they would jump all over that and run with it I would play hell trying to straighten it all out. She said oh yeah. She said now if she was 16 I say sure she is old enough to watch them for a little bit while you go to dinner or a movie something like that.

She said you look tired, I said I am I said I’m just tired of never having a break, not being able to go out and even meet anyone, not being able to walk out of the house and go to the store or anything. I said I wanted to start going to church again and to a weekly bible study they have and I can’t even do that because they don’t have child care for the bible study. I said I just tired of not being able to do the simplest of things. Either because I am cleaning up the mess from the other one not doing what he is supposed to do and taking them or because he don’t pay and I have paid my money out to cover everything. Now I don’t have a dime for anything that I may need or god forbid I may see something I just like to have for a few dollars. It gets me because I had a nice chunk saved up and I may not be working but I am taking care of my part of things here. It may be in the form of loans and I am going to pay for it in the end but I am doing what I need to do to get things done so that I didn’t have to work and go to school. I wanted to take extra classes finish school faster than work part time and do school part time. Because then I am not really making enough to cover what I need to and have to get loans and I am so tired from doing all with the kids all for work and then trying to keep up my own school. I just feel like everyone is getting a half ass job from me and before long I will say fuck it and just quit school and go to work.

She asked me if I was still taking my medications. I told her yes and that I had thought about going in and asking for something else because of the way it was affecting me, but that it’s just me and that all medications do it to me rather it this or others. I told her I liked this one it seemed to help and I didn’t want to bounce around to different ones to see what will help instead just because of the affects knowing that I react that way to most all medications because I don’t ever take anything. I told her that I had started breaking them in half and taking half in the morning and half at night. She was like um are you taking the time release ones? I said I don’t know I don’t think so. I said it is a tiny little white pill and it is got a line down the middle so you can like snap it right in half no problems. She said it isn’t like this or that? I said no its a little solid pills. She started looking at my chart she said on your taking that I don’t think it comes in a time release so your good. She said the time ones you can’t do that with because you will get all the medication at one time. I couldn’t figure out what she was talking about. But I bet she is talking about capsules instead of pills with powder or whatever inside. She really think I am that stupid to do something like that? If I was seeing her in two weeks I would ask her that too, did you think I was taking capsules and breaking them in half taking? Do I really look or act that stupid to you? Besides if I was doing that then I would probably be getting it all at once and in that case I probably wouldn’t be doing so well doing it that way because I be knocked out some where all the time and for longer time then normal probably. That is kind of funny if that is what she thought, I can’t really say anything on her part if it is because I am sure it has most likely happen in the past and that is why she thought of it and wanted to make sure what and how I was taking it.

I didn’t tell her I just started back taking it last night and this morning. I passed out laying here on the bed playing a game on the computer and woke up after midnight. I decided to go ahead and take half one see how I felt this morning. Then I took the other half this morning when I woke up. Not thinking about it I wonder if I should be taking them farther a apart. But if I take it at 9 or 10 normally then I probably need to take the second half at about that time in the am and then again at night. That would be every 12 hours and not every 6 like today. well it was probably closer to 5. If you are supposed to take it every 24 but I am splitting it up and taking it twice a day instead of once. I think it will matter right now because it isn’t built up in my system yet but later it probably won’t matter a lot once it has. I am going to go and try to research it and see what I find out.

Tomorrow is our trip to Holly Land so I won’t be around we have to get up by 6 am drop Little Bitty at school by 730/745 to be at their school by 8 so we can leave there we hope by 815 but no later than 830. It is a early release day but we will not be back in time for that. They are going an hour early and staying 3 hours late to get to go. If it was a normal school day they only be staying 2 hours late. Only half the school is going the other half is going to stay home. The new kid don’t believe in all that and they said he is to much of a trouble maker to go. One is sick and the others can’t or don’t want to go for different reasons. Some don’t believe they believe other stuff. I better go to bed it is almost midnight.

{January 10, 2017}   Leaving

My therapist told me today when I seen her that she is leaving, she will still be with the company but she got a different position. She is going to be over the drug treatment and rehab now and in the office south of me. She asked if I wanted to keep coming or stop coming where I felt I was and what I needed. I told her I thought I should probably still come since I just started back in school and been off my medications for a little bit and starting back on them hopefully tonight. She said she thought that was a good idea too as well. She said she didn’t want me to keep coming just because I felt I had to and that she didn’t want me to stop coming because I was worried about having to see someone new. But that she felt it was working for me and that she thought I needed to get back on my medication as too. She asked if I seen a difference or felt a difference since I hadn’t been taking them and when I was. I told her I did and that I did want to get back on them that I had stopped taking them because the kids were home I was staying up later in the evening with them so that we could play games and do things after the little ones went to bed. I told her a lot of nights we didn’t go to bed until 2 or 3 sometimes almost day light I wanted to be able to sleep a few hours and get up not sleep all day because of the pill. That I didn’t want to take it then fall a sleep right away and not be able to do things with the kids but that I felt better on them and planed to start taking them again today. She said she could see a difference in how I was on them and how I was now that I stopped taking them. She seen me before I started when I was on them and now after being off them a little bit and she felt I needed to be on them. I will see her in two weeks she said if I need anything between now and then to give her a call and that in two weeks will be our last meeting because she goes to her new office then. She said she had a few people she was going to check with to see what one she was going to put me with. She said she thought she was going to give me to the direct of the program at that office and that she was really good. She said I have a few options she said then some are out. She said one I thought about but she is very touchy feely and I just don’t see that being a good match I can see you now like yeah this isn’t going to work why are you touching me. I kind of laughed she said your like me its like no it’s okay I’m good. She asked if I prefer a women I told her yes, I don’t know if I do or not really thinking about it later. I didn’t get asked when I set it up to talk to someone. I wasn’t sure then either. I get a long better with guys most the time when it comes to talking and things. But then I got her and I was ok with her because she is a lot like me and she is only two years older than I am. But I don’t know if I am going to be like that with the next it will depend on how she is I guess. But she says she is really cool and like her or me so I think it should be okay. She said they only had one guy she mostly sent her little boys she got to him because they needed some kind of male roll model other than what they had. But I guess she thought I might do okay with him as well since she asked. Then she was thinking about others and she was like oh yeah no i don’t send anyone to them they are stupid. I was like okay yeah I don’t think that will work either than. So I don’t know how things are going to go but I guess we will find-out in 4 weeks. I figure that she will maybe, probably bring her in for me to meet next week so that we at least know who each other are and fill her in on everything but who knows maybe not. I guess I should really get off of here and go to bed since I really do need to take my pill and it is almost 1130 already. I normally take it at 1030 sometimes 1130. When I take it, it will take about 45 minutes to an hour for me to fall a sleep. So if I take it by 1030 then I will be a sleep by 1130 instead of taking it then and waiting another hour before I fall a sleep.

{November 2, 2016}   Breast Check

I called this morning and got an appointment to go see the doctor. They got me in with in an hour or two. I was early even and they got me back right away. Then the nurse asked if I was still on Lexa Pro? I told her no that I never took it when they gave it to me my ob/gyn said not to. I also told her I was having trouble with the pregnancy so I didn’t end up taking anything at all because of it. Once I had the baby I was better and hadn’t taken anything. But that I was seeing someone at the counseling center and she felt I should talk to them or the local mental health place to get something. I figured it be better to get it from them to keep from adding another place and doctor to go to she said yes that was a good idea. She took it out and said to talk to the doctor about it.

The doctor came in she was really nice and ask me all about what was going on I told her. She said they needed to do an exam. I was surprised she had me get undressed right there and gave me the little paper thing to put on. I figured they would have done that before she came in. She checked me why I was sitting up then had me lay down and felt them and everything. She said she felt cyst in them and there really wasn’t anything they could do for them. But that she wanted me to go for a mammogram to be safe because they couldn’t tell if there was cancer without it. She had ask if there was breast cancer or something else in the family. I told her no not breast but just about any an all other kinds very bad that most of my family had it in many places not just one. I told her that I was not able to get the lymph-node out and that I needed a new order for the thyroid so I could get that taken care of.

She had not problem ordering any of it for me. She gave me the paper work for the two test and said they sent my medication over to the store so I could go pick it up. The nurse said she had faxed them to the hospital next door I told her I lived farther away could I take them any where and she faxed them somewhere else closer to home for me. They don’t want to see me back for a month though. I guess if I get the test and something is wrong they will call me to come in sooner. I will get a copy of it after I get it done if it says something is wrong then I will call them too.

I ask her what caused the cyst and she ask if I drink coffee? I told her maybe one or twice a day at most some days none. She said caffeine can cause them. I don’t think it is from the coffee because like I said I don’t drink that much or that often. But I have been drinking coke all the time again like it’s water. I ha stopped drinking coke when me and RC were together I think before I even got pregnant and had not drink it since until the last 8 months or so. Now I drink it way to much.

More reason to  quit drinking coke again. I just really don’t like drinking water I don’t know why it is just not something I have ever really liked drinking. But I bought a case of water last night. I drank a little bit of coke this morning just a drink as I was going out the door to leave and I had a tea. But even the tea I don’t drink all that often. I am going to try stopping today and not drink anymore at all.

I forgot to go get my medication from the store before I picked the kids up I guess I will have to go get it in a little bit. I still haven’t told anyone I am talking to anyone or that I am taking anything. Well I told my two friends that I talk to and you all but I haven’t told any family or anything. I don’t plan to. My friend says that it will help me sleep at night so I am trying to decide if I should take it at night or in the day. I can’t remember I think I took it in the day time before I think. I guess I will look at it and see what it say or just try it and see if I feel like I should take it at night or in the day.

{May 10, 2016}   Lasting Effects of Loss

I am about to lose my mind with all the junk around the house and not being able to get rid of any of it. I use to be able to tell the kids lets clean out get rid of anything we don’t use, don’t need or that’s broken and they would go to work going through their toys and room. I go through the rest of the house. The last few weeks I have been trying to do this and clean off the carport and laundry room cleaned up. I want everything organized before classes started. But my baby boy gets so upset and freaks out if I try to get rid of anything be it his or someone else. I cries and acts like you have attacked him or something. The other week I went through my little ones room and took her stuff because she wouldn’t pick it up. He was on his knees begging me to not get rid of it he would clean her room as soon as he was done with his. I tried to put a wagon thing to the road because it wasn’t what I thought I was getting when I bought it and we have not found a use for it. He started crying and drug it back up to the house from the road. I really don’t know what to do for him or with him.

As most of you know we lost my dad very unexpected and quick last year. We found out New years day he had cancer wasn’t treatable and was given 6 months. He passed the Feb 8. My little one had a very hard time with Grandpa being sick. He was very emotional, angry, and aggressive at the time. When he passed he seemed to be back to his normal self. It was like flipping a switch when we found out he got that way and after he passed it was like someone flipped the switch and he was back to his sweet loving self.

Until now, and I didn’t think one had to do with the other at first but then I started noticing that after he would get all upset about someone trying to get rid of stuff once he calmed down he would come up out of the blue and start talking about Grandpa and how he misses him and things. Him and his brother went in their room and his brother was trying to get rid of stuff another time and he started asking if grandpa go him that and things. Even if I tell him Grandpa didn’t get it for him he still can’t let it go and get rid of it.

I have never gotten rid of their stuff without them knowing and them having in put on what is gotten rid of. I don’t want to start now and don’t think that is going to make things any better just worse. But I need to be able to get rid of my stuff and the other kids need to be able to get rid of their stuff without him having a break down over it. He needs to be able to get rid of his things that no longer fit are broken or just not used and taking up room. I don’t know what to do for him or how to help him. I tried asking the therapist that my older son sees but she had no answers and wasn’t sure what to do or how to help him either. I guess I am going to have to take him in to see the doctor and see what she says and who she feels he should see or talk to. He can’t turn into a hoarder, my Grandpa on my moms side is and it is horrid.

{April 30, 2015}   My Head Is spinning

I really do need to get to the collage and do what I need to do to get started in some classes. I’m not even sure what I am supposed to be going to take classes for. I have been looking stuff up tonight and trying to make sure I go for the right thing and what is going to give me the most opportunity when I get out of school and let me work in the areas I want to work in as well. My head is spinning from all the information and trying to figure out what each sub title or field is under the heading and what one would work best for me.

Looking at it all and if I am understanding it correctly I can get my Masters in 2 years and a PhD in 7.5. That isn’t bad considering I thought it would take me around 8 to get my Masters. If I am right if I went for my phd I would come out of school not only being able to have my own office and be a therapist but also teach. That would be great because it would open more options for employment. I wish the school here was open on Friday so I could go in and talk to someone.

I was hoping to get to go tomorrow but the kids aren’t going to their dads until Friday. They are going then for sure if I have to take them and drop them off to him. I have to plan this party and shop for it so I have everything to do it Saturday. They called to see if they could go tomorrow but they can’t since he is working.

I’m going to spend the next couple days researching all this and writing things down. Then put together a list of questions so that when I do get to talk to someone I don’t forget to ask them everything. I hope that once I go in and talk to someone I can take the test or come home with a date to take the test.

et cetera
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