Some Elephant Pictures

Here are some Elephant pictures for Carol Anna and Emily at Therapy Bits. I wanted to leave them in comments but couldn’t.

 

 

No Mental Health Help

I have not been to therapy in awhile because my insurance was cancelled. Now I have it back and I have to pay the first $970 something a month before they will pay anything.

I called the place I have been going and talk to them. I explained what happen what is going on. They told me that I would have to pay $70 a week until i was over the nine then the insurance would pay. I already know how it works and I know I will not have almost a $1000 a month in medical bills so I will never meet that. I also can not pay $70 a week to go see someone when I can’t get things caught up now.

I called the place i see my gp at because they do behavioural health as they call it. They told me they will bill my insurance each week up until the end of the month then if I do not meet it they will bill me. So I ask how much will it cost each time I came in? They can’t tell me that. Depends what we do what I am seen for. I am just there talking thats it. She says I have to see the gp before I can see someone. I ask her how much that is she can’t tell me that either. I tell her I can not come there run up a bill for a month and have no idea what it is going to be and then expect to pay it out of pocket. That I need an idea what it is going to cost me. She says we have no way of knowing so we can’t tell you that. I talk to two other people was told the same kind of crap so I just said I guess I can’t do that then thanks.

There really isn’t anywhere else to try and go to my grandma goes to a place an ld they are always pulling her around when it comes to bills because of her insurance too so that won’t work. I don’t have the money to pay it all right now. I so wish I did I could just go pay everything not worry about none of it. But even working two or three jobs I can’t.

I know I need to get in and see someone I know I need to get back on my medication because I wasn’t able to get it all this time. But I can’t even see my gp to get it and she will not give it to me unless I am seeing someone.

Between the stress of trying to get everything paid, find another job, dealing with my mother and not being able to talk tobsomeone and get my medication I am ready to lose it. I walk around so angry all the time or I just don’t care. The last two days that I have been off I have done nothing but sleep all day get up make dinner go back to bed in no time. Then lay there half the night awake stressing over everything. I feel like everywhere I turn I just get knocked down.

I really do not know what to do anymore. I feel this time can’t get no worse then it does. Next time it is just worse than before. Nothing is getting better. Nothing is turning around. I truely do not know what I need at this point. I know part of why I am not getting another job is because i am so depressed. I try to fake it until I make it but it don’t work. Ibjust want a decent job so I can do this on my own. Not have to worry about it all and just live a half way decent life.

Maybe I haven’t Forgiven Both People

I was reading the post A Wife Is A Gift From God today it was talking about how women have been treated and still are treated. What the bible says about how men should treat women. I commented on it and then repied to the comment that was left on my reply. As I was writing my second reply this thought or voice in my head made me stop and think. I have been thinking about it since.

In my reply I was talking about how abusive my ex husband was and how I just let it happen. We would fight and argue but I never really stood up for myself. On top of that I begged him to change amd to treat me better and to have something to do with me. Long before I finally stood up for myself. I let the abuse get way out of hand and past a point it should of never gotten to, to start with.

I just finally one day snapped and laid it all on the line and that this is how it is going to be from now on and this is what is going to happen we are done for good there is no more us. I do not know what all I said how I put it but I blew it all came pouring out like an over turned cup of water.

When I did, I wasn’t really mad at him for say. I was much mader at myself than him for ever letting him get away with treating me the way he did and abusing me all that time. I was mad at myself for not standing up for myself, not putting a stop to it as soon as it started, for letting the things that happen to me happen. I couldn’t blame him people treat you how you let them treat you and I let him treat me horribly. I told him it was okay to treat me that way because I didn’t put a stop to it and demand he treat me better. Sure we would fight and things about it screaming fights, but I never said you are not treating me this way anymore do not do z, y, z anymore. I ask why he treated me the way he did I be mad he treated me the way he did and tell him he needed to treat me better, even beg him to treat me right. But did not tell him he couldn’t treat me that way.

It took a lot for me to work through all that and forgive myself for allowing all that happen to happen. Honestly, I think that I did work on things and myself the last 5 years. But I think I worked on myself and forgiving myslef and worked through the being mad at myself. But not on the hurt and issues I have from the abuse. I forgave myself, but I don’t think I have ever worked healing the damage caused by the abuse or forgiving him for it even though he isn’t sorry and could careless how he treated me. I think I just stuffed it down until it was forgotten about.

That explains why I am having such a hard time believing guys I talk to, getting close to them and everything feels so fresh and scary when I think about trying to. I guess too I tried dealing with it in the way of just detach and keep your feelings out of it but I can’t. Because I do want more but when it seems like it could be I am all for it until it starts to really get real and then I start to freak out and back off.

I am going to have to do some work and figure somethings out. I wish I was still going to therapy this is the kind of thing I would like to talk to her about but even when i do I do not feel like I get anywhere. I really need someone new. I may see if I can find somewhere else to go see someone when I get my insurance back.

I wonder if a guy would be better to talk to. Most I feel are older and odd or if they are two close in age as me it seems it would be awkward. I do not know I have never tried seeing a guy therapist. Would it be odd to look up one of the professors from school and see if I could get in to talk to him? He subbed for our class two days while ours was out because his dad passed. But he lead a group in classes and i liked the way he did things and found him easy to talk to. I was going to see about taking a few of his classes when or if I go back but I would just take them with the other teacher if I started to see him. Would it be odd or not good to do? I think it would be okay since we don’t really have a true student teacher relationship or know eachother more than the 2 one hour classes he filled in for. I will have to check into it maybe go talk to him and see if he agree’s to see me. How he feels about it.

Mr.To Broken is Really Broken

Bff told me the other day that she had talk to Mr. To Broken and that he is bad. She said he was of course telling her about these two different girls he is in love with. He is so stressed about what one to go with or what. She said that I am sure has changed it always does.

But he told her his parents stepped in took the kids away. He only has them 25% of the time he is supposed to have them and that is it. Because they said he needs to get some kind of help and that he has problems. The kids did not need to be around it.

I said I been saying it all for 6/7 months now and no one listen to me. He has some problems that are not just talk joke move on or what problems. We all get mad vent or what. But his are much worse than that and need more than that. He has been seeing someone but it is not working. He needs more. Really i feel he needs to be in an in somewhere for a bit where he can’t do anything but work with someone on all that is going on. If he don’t get over this obbssion of having to have someone in order to live and be happy it isn’t going to get any better.

I hope he gets the help he needs and can really be happy in life and be a good dad to his kids. I talk to him by messenger the other night told him i wanted to start making him payments on the money. He said whatever. He had the kids was busy. I saod okay. Let me know when you can meet. Haven’t heard from him since.

 

Everything’s Going To Be Alright

I am still in a funk, mood, I don’t know what you would call it. I keep thinking about all the bills and everything I owe out right now but I just like oh well it will work out. I will figure it out, although I haven’t really been figuring it out and have not idea what to do. I don’t know what made me think of this song but for some reason it has been on my mind lately. R.C use to play this all the time. I remember cooking or cleaning and listening to it playing in the background as the kids all ran around and played and we talked an did things. I really had not even thought of him in a long time even. My friend brought him up the other night. First time I thought of him in a while. She was just saying wouldn’t it be something if he showed back up. I said well he could see her and spend time with her if she wanted to, but he can’t leave with her and it be a long time before he would be allowed to take her off by himself and we would have to have court papers drew up first. He could not take her around his girlfriend. He could bring her around his daughter and the boys or whatever kids of his he wanted to but not his mother or girlfriend. But as I have always said I will not keep her from having whatever kind of relationship they ever decide to have if they do. I just have to make sure she is protected at the same time and until I know she is they would have to do it supervised by myself or someone I trusted.

I have my check I have not cashed but it all goes to the school, I have my pay from the last two weeks at the shop that is still owed to me. I left early week before last to take care of something didn’t make it back before they closed. I just hadn’t gotten it. I was going to get it all last Friday but forgot it was a holiday weekend and things were going to be closed. I was going to go in and work get my two days in but he was closed Friday and I didn’t get up there Thursday because I didn’t know he wasn’t going to be open the next day. I am going up there tomorrow and work and again Friday. I will get that but it isn’t a lot. Gas, lights and that is probably it. I need to start buying something for Christmas for the kids even if it is just little stuff and get it put up so I have something for them. I wanted to get them their lap tops and a power wheel but that isn’t going to happen now I guess. I think I will still have enough to get them 3 to 5 things each and decent things if I start shopping now and get some deals.

I just don’t know how to get over this feeling, I don’t know if I want to get over this feeling. Right now I feel pretty relaxed and stress free just about. It feels good but at the same time something keeps going this isn’t normal, why do I feel this way, how long is it going to last, don’t jinks it, just ride it out, what’s going to come next, is this what it feels like to not be stressed by someone or something all the time, is this what it is like to be happy, is this what happy feels like, it don’t feel like I thought it would, what am I missing, what bad is going to happen, oh i need to get on that room and get it rented out, i want to but i don’t want to hear everyone’s input on it, who cares what they say, is this what it is like to live and not have to answer to anyone? All this goes through my head about a million times a day at about 100 miles per hour, just like that. Then I go to I don’t really feel anything, not happy not sad not mad not anything. Thats what I am feeling how do you feel nothing? If you are feeling nothing then you are feeling something right? This goes racing through my mind with it. It just plays over and over and over again like a cd on repeat. Why do I feel this way, is it normal to like feeling this way or not care that you feel this way? Are the thoughts I have when I sit and think about it. Why am I so moody and get so mad at things at the drop of a hate and ready to fight when I feel nothing the rest of the time?

I am sleeping but not good, if I fall a sleep early I am waking up in a few hours or I am up most the night and only sleeping a few hours. I feel all out of order but perfectly normal and fine at the same time. Even though it isn’t normal I guess it is my normal that I have gotten use to over the years. Then I think about all this and it just makes no since. I keep telling myself I need to make and appointment and go to therapy again since I haven’t been in a while. But then I think do I really need to go when I feel nothing at all right now? What am I going to tell her? I don’t feel anything? I like it but is it normal or it’s my normal.

Things To Work Out

I haven’t seen my therapist in a month or more. She was out on vacation and then came back for a day and was out do to surgery. I am truly not sure when she is going to be back in the office again and seeing people. I think tomorrow but I am not sure, I have to call tomorrow and see. I have been in and went in to try and get in to talk to someone else why she was gone and they couldn’t find anyone for me to talk to. I ask to talk to the lady I was seeing before her they said she didn’t have anything and no one else really did either. I really need to get in to talk to someone but haven’t.

I went to my training at the abuse shelter where I have to do my 50 hours for school a few weeks ago and really needed to talk to someone. I still need to talk to someone before I go back and will need to know I have someone I am able to talk to when I start going again. I can’t go a month or more without it right now while going there.

I went that first day for training and we only ended up being there half a day and when I left I was almost in tears. I spend the rest of the day fighting tears and to not just bust out and start crying. I went from there to the shop and almost got into it with one the the guys there for stupid she he was saying about his ex and child support and things. I just let him run his mouth didn’t say anything because I knew I just start if I tried to. Even when I was sitting there alone I still fought it.

To say I was shocked, surprised and caught off guard from it is an understatement. I did not expect just training to effect me the way it did and we really didn’t go over a lot. Well I guess we did go over a lot and some heavy stuff I guess you would say. But to me it wasn’t because I been there I been through it. I don’t know how to explain it, it’s just different. I guess because some of the women were surprised and shocked at the things these women go through and the things these guys will do to them. Because they have never been through it, they have never known anyone that have been through it and some are not in school to do the stuff some of us are. So it was a real shock or eye opener to them that this is really the things some go through and how they live, that some don’t make it out and how hard it is to get out.

I guess just hearing it talked about and hearing someone validate that yes this is the kind of things that really happen and yes the guys try to make you feel crazy and make you look crazy and will play the one being abused even. Just really talking about it even though we weren’t talking about personal stories or anything like that to talk about it and not have it feel taboo or like it was your fault and just hear people talk about it like it is normal every day topic of conversation (guess for them it is) and not shy away from it was very different for me. Even with my friends, family, ex’s and things like that it wasn’t something I could really talk about and what happen and how he did me. It’s just not something you talk about, it makes others unconformable, they don’t get it because they have never been there, you sound petty because they don’t understand some of it and how they do.

That few hours made me see that I have a lot to still deal with and I guess I kind of knew that already but didn’t know how much I really need to work through. Because like as much as I would love to meet someone I’m truly scared to death to, someone will bring up this person or that or a friend and it’s like oh that sounds so nice. But then when it gets into oh I should introduce you or they are going to be here or there come by I can’t. I know what I want and things but I feel like if I stick to that it will be okay. but then at the same time it’s like no way look at all that you been through it don’t matter how you go about it, slow you go or what your going to get hurt. I feel ill just thinking about going on a date.

I am going to call tomorrow and see if I can get in to see her either Wednesday or Thursday and talk to her. I am also going to tell her that I am not happy about not being able to talk to someone why she was gone I was told she would have someone to cover and that I could not get in. That I need to find somewhere else if I can’t be seen when I need too. I feel like I have slipped so far back between that, my meds being messed up, my mom being here and being into it with her, and not taking my meds now. I haven’t in weeks or more for different reasons. They seem like they had stopped working again. I was aggravated with everything else going on as well and sick of the way i was feeling from them and everything else going on I stopped taking them.

Tuesday’s Therapy Session

Last week I had therapy again, I have been debating on continuing or stopping at this point. I do not feel I get as much out of it as I did when I had the other therapist. The other therapist was a lot like me so she just call me out or tell me like it was even if you didn’t want to hear it. She would push me to do things I needed to get done. Some times that is what I need. Maybe not so much push me or tell me but she held me accountable for things and asked about them and expected hem to be done. Sometimes that is what we need someone to hold us accountable for things. I won’t lie it helps me it helps me get things done. Other wise I slip back into the oh well who cares I will get to it when I do or if I don’t no one will notice anyway. She wasn’t a single mom she hadn’t been there and didn’t know first hand what it was like. She didn’t try to oh been there I understand that or oh I know how you feel, or I went through that this is what I done. That is how the new therapist is she is a single mom and she has been through it. But her way of approaching it is not the way I want to look at things. They don’t help they kind of make it worse and I just while writing this it hit me why I don’t care for the way she handles things Don’t get me wrong I like her she seems like a very good person, she cares and she means well but she just isn’t the right fit for me. She is someone I could be friends with in different situation.

Her approach is this is just how life is right now make the best of it. It is just what it is it will get better at some point or when all these other things happen. Where as if there was a problem the other therapist was more of a so what are you going to do about it? What can you do to change it? Can you change it? If not what can you do to make it easier to live with or to keep it’s effect it has on you or how much are you going to let it effect you it’s something out of your control? It’s happen lets deal with it and keep moving don’t let it drag you back to where you were, don’t drag it around with you and let it eat at you or make things harder or a battle you have to deal with and fight with all the time. Not just accept it and hope that life is going to get better in the future. She was make it better it is in how you deal with it. I really am not feeling like I am doing better I feel like I am on the edge of slipping back to where I was and it is a battle I am fighting every day. I do not feel when I go there it is helping like I did before. I find myself dreading it more and more now. Not because of how I feel but because I feel I am wasting my time I can deal with it and tell myself that one day life will be better, I don’t need her to tell me.

I am supposed to go back in two weeks since this week is spring break, but I am thinking about not going back. I am kind of scared not to go back either because I am worried I will fall right back where I was before quickly if I don’t. Right now I feel like I am being lead there slowly and I keep going back in hopes that things will change and get better. Even though I know they aren’t going to.

I have thought about asking to see someone else but I don’t know how that would go or how to go about that. I feel that it will be awkward as well to ask to see someone else and seeing her when I go. I know I shouldn’t care and that I need to do what is best for me but then I feel like what if I get someone else like her? What am I supposed to say when I ask for someone else and they ask why? How do I explain it to them? What are they going to think? Probably that I am crazy and just complaining or that she said something I didn’t like so I want to change. This is the second person I have seen in what 6 months. But I didn’t change I was handed off because the other had a change in jobs. This is not the first pick to put me with for the first therapist I had this was her second pick. The second didn’t have her hours and things up and was taking time off or something. I have even thought about emailing my old therapist and telling her how things are going and see about changing. But then this is her boss so I don’t know if I should or not. I am just confused, I have 4 papers and a video and two classes of work to get done and I have to much on my mind to even be able to concentrate on it. I started doing the work that is due tonight so I can start on the 4 papers that are due in two weeks. I got a few pages in and stop to write this.

I am back to not being able to sleep but feeling sleepy all the time. I have watched the sun come up the last two days then slept a few hours and up, part of why I can’t do my work. All I want to do is take a nap and I need to get this work that is due tonight done at least. I also need to get this stuff done with the house and the kids junk. I just don’t know what I am going to do.

My therapist did say one thing that kind of made me feel good when I was there Tuesday, we were talking about stuff that had happen the last few weeks since I had been there, the truck breaking down, the girl taking off at school, my classes and just everything. She started talking about things we had talked about before, she said you are so smart, you are someone if I had a business or was opening a business I would hire you to run it. She said I know you want to get into social work and things but I see you running a business a doctors office or something like that. She said you know enough about all kinds of stuff, you aren’t afraid to take charge, you know how to deal with people. She said if you don’t know you find out or figure out a way.

I was kind of surprised and caught of guard but thought it was funny too, because I have a friend who is always calling me asking me stuff. She tells everyone oh let me call so and so she will know or how to find out whatever it is. It was nice to feel that she thought way, now if others seen that and I could get some kind of decent job other than a cashier or something.

I have a little over a week to decide if I want to keep going, ask for someone else, or just stop and see what happens.

 

Lot Of Nothing Done

I feel like I have gotten a lot of nothing done the last 6 days or so. Everyone has been sick, Little Bitty was like an oven last night with fever. I got her up this morning and it was over 100 so she couldn’t go to school. It’s been up to 101. I called my friend right away and ask her if she would please come sit with her I had school and therapy today. She said she would, when I picked her up then she told me she just got to sleep an hour or two before I called she hadn’t been able to sleep all night. Little Bitty asked for ice cream this morning so I got us all milkshakes. I figured it would lover her temperature or help with it maybe. I dropped them off and went to class. I got home she was up playing she had a pillow and blanket laying on the couch. She said she played some and laid around some while I was gone and that over all she was good.

I hung out with them for a little bit then had to go to my appointment. Before I left the helicopter was flying over it looked like the store in the front of my area. I told them lets ride up there and see what was going on before I left, she don’t have a phone right now so no way to call if she needed too. I figured it be best to see what was going on before just leaving them. We got up there and there was nothing there. We sat there a minute and was talking because there were no cops nothing like nothing had happen even. Then I seen it flying across the main road over the school. I drove down that way and the school was on lock down all the gates were closed. We still didn’t see cops just them flying over. I said I don’t know but it isn’t even in my area or close to my house for the most part so you all should be fine. I went up the road and turned down this street I know over there to cut across and come back home. Soon as I made the turn the road was blocked there were cops with guns, dogs and people everywhere. I said well we found it and it is pretty far from my house. We couldn’t turn around really so we had to go around the block and out. We seen a few cops then with streets all blocked off on that side on the way home but we have not heard what happen or what they were looking for. It was probably about 3 or 4 miles away. Not super far but not in my backyard or front yard. There is like a simie main road that runs between my area and the school and the other area and their school they are blocks and blocks behind me before you get to that road, then you cross it and go a ton more blocks down before you get to where it is.

I went to therapy and picked the kids up and we came home picked them up and took my friend home. I had to go to the store for somethings and get Little Guy from school. I took them to get cards for tomorrow from the Dollar Tree and we came home for the night. Little bitty wanted Chicken Soup for dinner so I got the stuff and made homemade soup for her and everyone. I figured it would be more filling than the little cans of stuff. It was pretty good but didn’t turn out as good as it does most the time. It was missing something flavor wise and I forgot to throw the bag of mixed veggies in. I also picked up lunch-able because I figured if they still wanted something to eat they could eat them but they all ate the soup really good.

I wanted to work on the hutch more but it was cool out and I had homework to do so I just skipped it tonight. I am still trying to figure out how to cut this one part of the board off it isn’t but a few inches that need to be cut but we are having a hard time finding something to cut it. I asked my oldest to try it today and she broke the corner off. I hope that it will still work once we get it cut right and put in. I do not know what is wrong with her lately, she did that I had told her what needed to be done, she filled out cards for Little Guy, she taped them all so that the to and from was on the inside, just simple things that I know she knows how to do or knows what I am talking about she screws all around. I am starting to get really mad about it. I just don’t know what her problem is lately.

I have to redo my assay for self awareness for my one class because I guess I didn’t add enough information to it. I have to get my work done for the other class because she changed the assignment up on me this term so I don’t have it done and the other is the one I couldn’t find because of the book last time. I hope that I have the right book this time. I haven’t had to use it this far but do now. I already have an exam at the school in this class next week. I hope it is as easy as it was last time. My other class I have a 200 point project coming up due in March and it aggravates me because I can only get into part of the information for that week until closer to time. It should be interesting I think it will be anyway. We have to make a genogram of our family and write our family story.

I done a lot but I feel like my house is falling apart and I can’t get anything done. I hate it, I feel like I am getting part of this and pieces of that and not every finishing anything. The kids are not wanting to help and do their parts we have been going around with that. I just want to rip through my house and clean every room out and put back together again. I have purged and purged and feel like I do every few months but  feel like I am never done, there is just so much crap. But I really can’t do it with them here getting into everything and in the way. I would like to get some paint and paint the place too while I have the rooms cleaned out. I want to take everything from one room at a time purge and replace what is left to the room but I want to paint it first. I feel like it has gotten to out of control and when I try to fix it it gets half done and then messed up again why I go take care of other stuff and have to come back to a mess or not able to come back because of something coming up. I am ready to tell him he has to find someone that will watch them at their house for the weekend so that I can do what I want to do and get some cleaning done. He can like or not I don’t really care. I am going to tell him he has to come get them drop them off there and pick them up so he will have to pay and not leave me stuck paying for it. I am telling him that I used my money to pay my rent up as well so he won’t think I have all that much. I am going to pay it but just not all in one lump sum. I think I am going to pay March and Aprils when it comes due the first. Then the first of March pay two months again. Then do that the following month, if I do that the next 4 months I will have through September paid. I will have to see how it goes. He is supposed to start paying me again. I don’t know if he will or not. If he does I should have no problem paying it up for a while. I oh crud I have to pay the lights I forgot it came in the mail the other day. I don’t think it is all that much though just need to do it.

I got to get off here and try to get some sleep. I need to save my internet until I pay my bill this week and I have to be at school with the kids tomorrow all day then therapy and then chicken meeting. It is going to be such a long day. I can’t wait until these chickens are sold and we don’t have to be messing with them. I do not feel the middle two are really learning anything and I do not like how they only have meetings once a month and then they aren’t really learning much of anything but the same thing every month. April can’t get here fast enough. On the bright side they have started laying eggs. We found an egg a day Friday, Saturday and Sunday. They all should be laying here really soon. When they do we will have about 30 eggs give or take every day. They are pretty small right now but they will get bigger I guess as they get older. I wish I had a place to keep ours I would it would be much easier than running out there and we wouldn’t’ have to buy eggs we would have them and they could sell them.

Not A Lot Going On

It’s been a pretty uneventful day, I picked up my friend R that I haven’t gotten to see much lately and we went to pick up my guns I had pawned. After that we picked up my friend J. We went and got lunch and stopped at the pet store for Little Bitty to see the animals. She has her eye on this one little guinea pig. It’s the only girl they have left and she is still there all alone. He said he has more coming in on Thursday but no one has bought her yet. I don’t know how long she has been there either. I know most the time they are sold out but they had her and two boys.

After I dropped my friend off that lives up by the pet store we dropped J back off, I had to pick all the other kids up at school and take them to the doctor. Three are sick the one that has been complaining the most and not going to school or leaving early she said has nothing wrong with her. I don’t know what is up with her lately. She said her ears are hurting and have bee’s in them. The doctor said they look great nothing at all wrong but my Little Guy has an ear infection starting in one ear. He hasn’t even been complaining about his ears or anything just coughing a lot.

Big Boy she said needs to get his eyes checked, but we already knew that. I took him because school said something about the cough. Plus the other night he told us sometimes I feel like my brain explodes and there is stuff running or dripping in my head!! WHAT??? But he never felt it was something to tell us about, why I don’t know. She thinks it is headaches, said it could be his eyes, could be his allergies, could be his sugar dropping to low. She said they like to start with eyes and work from there if it don’t go away. I already know he needs his eyes checked because of our talk at school about skipping things, holding his paper close and things like that. But the way he described how his head felt is crazy. He will tell me when he has a headache or something but he has never said that is how it feels.

We thought we had a chicken meeting tonight but then released it was next week. We ran got something for dinner tonight and tomorrow and came home. We had dinner and now are going to bed. I don’t know what it is lately we I have been wanting to go to bed before it’s even dark out. I have been sleeping. I am sick too so that may be it as well. I have this cough and tonight I started sneezing and my nose won’t stop running. I have to go to class tomorrow I can’t miss class. I don’t know what I am going to do if I still feel like this. I guess take something and hope that it don’t knock me out.  My tonsil is swollen huge on the left side the other day my right one was and had a blister on it. It has went down and this side is bothering me. I feel like I have something laying in my throat back there it bothers it more. My mouth is so dry and red all irritated looking on that side all around. I have to call and change my doctor tomorrow and hope I can get into the clinic so that I can get my medications refilled. I am trying to decide what to do about my gallbladder. Not sure if I want to get it out or just leave it there and hope it don’t happen again. Right now I wish my tonsil was out. It is just really bothering me. My mouth is itching all over on that side, I think from the swelling I am not sure.

I have been looking for a cage for the kids new pets we are supposed to get but can’t find one the size they need or even close to a good size for them. I am going to look around and see if I can find something and make our own. I have some ideas floating around I just have to see if I can find the things I want to make it and see if what i am thinking will work.

I guess I am going to go to bed if I can get this kid to her bed without waking her up. She is back to wanting to sleep in my bed again all the time. It was only once every 8 to 10 days, the last few nights it has been every night. I take her out she comes back in the middle of the night. I am hurting and sick I don’t want to be laid on and kicked hit all night from her rolling all over. She is upside down in the bed right now and has all my blanket rolled up together sleeping on top of it. I am thinking about getting up and taking the kids to breakfast in the morning but I don’t know if I will get up in time or not or how I will feel. If I am still feeling like this I will probably take the extra hour or so of sleep instead of getting up early to get ready and go there. Maybe take them another morning. The therapist text and said her kid and husband has had this for over a week and now she has it so she is cancelling the next two days. I don’t think she works on Friday so she will have the weekend as well. I hope she gets over it. She told me last Thursday her son had not been to school all week at that point and was going to the doctor the next day. Then today said they were still sick and she was. The older kids school said that they have three kids out really sick with all this stuff too. I know one of them have been out for a week or more now. I just pray we don’t get whatever that is they all have. This sinus thing is more than enough for me. I don’t know if I can handle them all sick with anything worse. I feel like now I want to sleep but at the sometime don’t want to lay down and go to sleep I am thinking of a million and one things I could do or want to do.

 

A Day at School

I had therapy today I was surprised when I got the reminder call yesterday because I normally only go every two weeks, but I figured maybe because I had moved to a new therapist or something so I just went. I had’t answered the phone either and just checked the message later. I figured it be good and get me out of the house anyway because I am just kind of in limbo how I feel right now, some days are ok others aren’t this week with the accident and coming up on the anniversary of losing my dad. They were going to set me up to come in next week I asked for something two weeks out this time and they said ok. I noticed after I left that is the week I was hoping to work and make a little money so I may call and make it for next week then start back to two weeks out from there. It put me back on the rotation I have been on. Who knows I have to decide. I already have to go to school before I can work two days and can’t work Tuesday because of stuff at the kids school.

I took the little kids to school then took the older kids to school and went into talk to them about the two events coming up and the help they needed. The other parent that is there helping a lot of the times was there talking with the principle Mrs. D. I hung out talked to them and piddled around for an hour and half before I had to go to my appointment, then after I stopped grabbed something to drink and eat and went back. The kids got out at 3 and we didn’t leave until 4. We were talking and things then about the time I was going to leave the other parent’s kid had a math thing she was trying to figure out we sat there trying to figure it out and show her how to do it.

It was nice just hanging out and goofing off with them and getting out of the house. It drives me crazy I jst want to go in there and organzie everything seems like such a cluttered mess and tons of crap that is never used. But the school is changing hands and changing names this Summer and a lot of stuff is going to be leaving once the owner is informed. She will have to come and get her stuff or send someone to get it and pack it up for her. She is across the country and just calls to find out if checks have come in and how soon they are going to be put in the bank and that is it. She isn’t bothering to get help or supply the things that are needed to really do what needs to be done.

Mrs. D has started the process of setting everything up to open her own school and just going to change all the kids over to the new school and enroll everyone this Summer. This way she has the budget and the money and can hire extra help and things that need to be done. She can get things up to standards better than what they are now too. She is putting together a board to over see things and to be accountable to and help decide how things should be done. She was talking today that a group of us that are going to be the board and things need to get together and have a meeting and go over everything that is going on and needs to go on and things like that. I am not sure if that was directed at me or the other parent or what it seemed as if she was talking to both of us but I don’t know. I am not sure who she is thinking will be on this board if they want so many parents on it. Not sure what she is doing or where she is going with that. I wouldn’t mind doing it if she wants. I am going to talk to her some more about it another time or when it comes up again. The student came in and needed help and we went back to help her, we didn’t finish talking about it really.

Over all it was a good day. My money zeroed out at the school so it should be in my bank anytime now. I have been waiting all day for it and it hasn’t come in yet. It zeroed out last night and this morning and all of it did not just part of it so I should be getting all of it. I always get it with in 24 hours of it going to zero so I hope by morning it will be there. Normally it is just a few hours. I was hoping it would be in by this evening I was going to take the kids to dinner but it wasn’t. We still went and got pizza with the little bit of money I do have since I know that it will be there by Friday. I have until then to pay the rent.

Oh and the kids are back to wanting guinea pigs again instead of anything else. They been telling me everything they need for them and what all they want to buy for them. I think they would make better pets than the crabs turned out to be. I can not see how anyone can get so excited over the crabs who bury theirself and you don’t see them for months at a time. I like the fiddler crabs but at least them you can put in a fish tank if you have dry area for them to get into. So you can see them more and things. I just have to figure out what kind of cage to get for the pigs so they have the room they need but the dogs can’t get into. Biggest worry.