Single___Parent___Life











{August 1, 2020}   He Called Me Last Nigh

We talked for about an hour last night when he got done with the kids and back to the motel. He messaged me a few times during the day. Something was said. He asked what was wrong. I ask if he would call me later. I told him once he was done for the night before he went to bed was fine if he felt like it. That I didn’t want to get into it right then at work. He said okay he hope everything was alright.

I told him it was fine not to worry go enjoy his time with the kids and graduation. He said okay he would call me. Later that night I was sitting there watching tv and got a few messages. He sent me pictures of him and the kids. He looks so happy. He said he is, he is loving it. They were all out to eat it was kind of late. I didn’t figure I would hear from him. It was okay because I know how it is when you get busy with the kids as it is. But then when he hasn’t seen them in so long and everything going on. I was about to turn everything off and go to bed and the phone rang.

He said his oldest had left before graduation she had to get back to work and they only had so many tickets. The other kids were home and coming to spend the day with him today.

He said he was sitting outside at the motel. He was talking about seeing everyone and talking with all of them. That everything was going well. They all had been decent and just hanging out talking.

He was a little aggravated and said he found some thing’s out he didn’t know before. I guess his son got into some trouble a few years ago. His ex wife tried to call him and the girlfriend answered the phone. She refused to wake him up because he was sleeping. They got into it on the phone. I guess she never told him and the other didn’t call back. I don’t blame her for not calling back. We talked about that I said something about my ex him not knowing anything about my kids. How Little ones dad has only seen her once and things. Some how him and his trip came up.

I told him how we went from him wanting to get married and me to adopt two of his kids. To I don’t want any of this

He was shocked. I thought I had told him before but I guess I hadn’t. It came up he was talking about being glad he left finally and things. How it would of ended bad had he stayed. I said that was how it was with my ex husband. But that it was hard when it was me and RC. Because we had only had one real fight and where we were at when he did this. So i was blindsided. How I help him find his daughter encouraged him to and was done this way. He was shocked. It isn’t something I talk about or tell many people so I may not have told him.

We ended up talking for an hour. His mom was going to sleep everyone was gone. He went in shortly after we started talking and she was laying down. So at least I didn’t feel bad about keeping him on the phone. He didn’t seem in a hurry to get off either. He said a few times I miss you so much. It’s going to be so hard to leave but I want to come home and see you. I tossed and turned and this morning I kept waking up you weren’t there. I am so use to you being there in the mornings.

He was talking about the kids he said I held it together when my oldest left but it was so hard. He said I didn’t want to let her go and wanted to cry. Knowing its going to be so long or who knows how long before I am going to see them. I said I told you let’s move up there be closer to your kids have all the kids close. He didn’t miss a beat he said lets do it. Lets pack and go. I said I really mean it honey. He said me too I would love to be closer to my kids. Even if we went to South Carlina it isn’t far it is right over the boarder.

I told him my friend wants me to go to SC next month for 3 or 4 days a week. He ask if I was going I said I didn’t know. I needed to work and things. He said what about the kids? I said honey she wants all of us to come. He said oh I thought she just wanted you. I said no honey they are like family they love my kids my kids love them. They want us all to come. He sounded a little surprised. He said I have to work I have my trip in December. I said I know. I probably won’t get to go because I am just staying a float right now. I can’t afford to take off. It would be so nice to live closer to them all we could drive over for the day or what. I said if I went next month I may not come back. Not even to get my stuff. I may just stay and not come back at all. He said I don’t blame you one bit. It is so nice being with my kids, I just want to see and be with you too. I said you know I’m down to move and told you I go to Ga or Tenn to be closer to your kids. He said I could go back to work over there where I was working you could find office something really easy. Let’s do it lets move. So I guess we are going to talk about that when he gets back. Hope make a solid plan and start looking for areas and houses and jobs. He sounded so happy on the phone and looked so happy in the pictures he sent. I think he had just forgot what it was like to be out of here and away from here. To be with his kids and things.

He had been in the situation he was in down here for so long with his ex girlfriend and stayed cut off from everything and everyone for so long. When you live like that with the drinking and abuse so long you get out you don’t know what to do or how to react because it’s like the would moved on without you and you are in this time warp like trap. I think this made see there are still people who care and really do want him around and don’t hold it against him that he wasn’t there as he should of been and things. I can’t wait until he gets back we get to talk.

I never did come out and tell him what was bothering me on the phone. I told him about RC leaving going on his trip and all that. But because we were talking about something else. I don’t think he put 2 and 2 together. Be didn’t know what was really going on how I was feeling.

After we hung up I messaged him told him thank you for calling me we never talk on the phone. I didn’t want to bother him why he was away.

He said thanks for what? I told him for calling me. He said I told you I would. I said I know I didn’t want to ask you to and bother you on your trip. But it has been a hard few days. I told him how everything about RC hit me the other morning before I got out of bed. He said he was sorry and I wasn’t bothering him. He was sorry he wasn’t here for me. I told him it was something I just need to deal with if it wasn’t now it would be another time. If he hadn’t went now then I would be dealing with it at Christmas. So I am glad it is now. I told him I knew things were different. But just dealing with all the thoughts popping up.

Like I said before, you can work on yourself forever but there are somethings that just can’t be dealt with or worked on until you are dealing with it again. If i was with someone and they never went on a trip it would never be an issue. But I am with someone he went away and it has hit. Now I have to work on it and fix or heal that part. Seeing that he calls or messages why he is gone and comes home and everything is fine is what is going to let me work through it. That is what is going to let me be okay next time or one day down the road. it may take a few trips before I stop feeling the way I do. Who knows. But it is a start. If this storm lets him he will be home tomorrow around 4 i think. If he gets delayed because of the storm then hopefully Monday sometime. I hope it is tomorrow I kind of hope it is Monday. Monday early we could spend some time together.

I am still having thoughts my mind going over all the what if’s and just over all missing him.

 



{July 31, 2020}   Maybe He will Leave Too

Do not sabotage your new relationship with your last relationship’s poison.    Steve Maraboli

I seen the above picture and saying and it just fit my day so well unfortunately. I think I told you all about J.W. going away for his daughter’s high school graduation and 19th birthday. With the covid mess graduation was put off as most were. It is finally here. I hadn’t really thought about it. I am happy for him. He is going to get to see all 3 of his kids, brother and mom. He hasn’t seen them in awhile.

I took the morning off to drive him to the airport. I got up and went over like always. He was packed and ready so we slept for a bit. Then got up and went to get his hair cut and head out. I wanted to go get breakfast but I got the times messed up. He was leaving an hour earlier than I thought. So we went got coffee and gas and I dropped him off.

But as soon as I open my eyes this morning before I could roll over and get off the bed these thoughts went through my head.

R.C. went on a trip, he went to see his kid, he flew there for a few days and flew home. You know what happen then he left you. He didn’t want anything to do with you. Isn’t it interesting JW’s flying out to see his kids, you’re not going, his ex is going to be there too. He hasn’t seen or talked to her in years. Wonder what he’s going to do when he gets back? He’s probably going to get rid of you too. You have so much baggage why wouldn’t he? This is the perfect time. He can just come home ignore you or tell you how great it was to see his ex and he don’t want this anymore.

All this went through my mind in a matter of seconds as I open my eye’s and rolled over. I was already bothered by having to go to the next county to take him to the airport. I hate driving over there with all the highways and roads criss crossing and tolls. I didn’t need or want to deal with these thoughts and feelings on top of it. I tried to forget it. I kept telling myself it wasn’t true, he isn’t like that, things are different between us. All the things you tell yourself when you have these thoughts. But you know how that is, it don’t work.

I kept wanting to ask him if we were alright? If anything was wrong? I wanted to ask him if he was sure he was happy with us or if there was anything he wasn’t happy with. I did manage to get through the morning without saying anything to him. But later realised I was kind of distant and withdrawn.

I posted a different saying or what on Facebook. Later after work I was talking to Bff and she asked what it was about. I broke down and could hardly tell her. She was thinking about RC but not about his trip. Then she said oh yeah I forgot about that. We were talking. She kept saying he is nothing like RC he loves you so much you can see it and the way he treats you and does for you. I know it but i can’t stop the thoughts.  I went to the fast food place to get a float and their machine was down. I went to back out of line and turn around and I backed into the car behind me. He was so close I did not see him in any of my mirrors. I got out all I could do was tell him how sorry I was i didn’t see him. His car looked fine mine did he said everything was good not to worry about it. I always look around me. I don’t just use my mirrors but I was just upset and tired. Just looked at them and went.

I still want to message JW see what he is doing and ask him if we are okay. I have heard from off and on all day. He told me he was there then after work he told me he was at the room with his mom and one of his daughters. We talked about the accident a little. When he told me he was at the motel he told me he wish i had come with him and how he missed me later.

But now I lay here it is a little after 12 and I thinking why hasn’t he said anything? Why hasn’t he said goodnight or I love you? Something must be wrong. He must be mad about something. He is to busy to even say goodnight. He must not really care or he would of. RC didn’t call or message you either other than to tell you what you did wrong or didn’t do. I know it is crazy not true but it makes me feel so sick. He is gone for 3 more days. He will be back Sunday evening around dinner time. I just don’t know if I will make it without saying something. I don’t want to mess his trip up.



Do you ever have a random thought that your mind latches onto and will not let go? It’s the tiniest thing and meaningless but for whatever reason your mind decides it is as important as the the $100 bill in your pocket. It keeps coming back to it scared your going to lose it or something.

That is what my mind has done this past week. Last week while driving I reach to get something and was driving with my right hand. It felt very awkward and was hard to drive and do what I was trying to do with my left hand.

At that time I thought hum that is odd, I am right handed but drive with my left and it is hard to drive with my right. I wondered why that was and I came to the conclusion that it was just the natural way I had trained myself since I am right handed and use it to do things. If I wanted to do something like grab my drink I would use my right hand leaving the left on the wheel and have just gotten use to it that way. I wondered if it was just me or if others were  the same.

I then went on about the rest of my day not giving it another thought, so I thought. But now since then my brain hasn’t let it go. I think it a dozen times while I am driving. It don’t matter if I am going to the store two blocks up the road or 20 miles to work. It comes up and I think about it over and over again until i get were I am going. Sometimes even while I am where I am going for a bit until I get busy with something else.

How crazy is that? Why is my brain doing this to me over something so meaningless?

So here we go since it is there and I am telling you about it what say you all?

Are you right handed or left handed?

What hand do you drive with?

 

  1. Right handed drive with the right
  2. Right handed drive with the left
  3. Left handed drive with the left
  4. left handed drive with the right

I know we all should be driving with both hands on the wheel but lets be honest we know that we all don’t drive with both hands on the wheel all the time so give us your answer. I find myself driving with both hands more now that I have this new car but I think because it don’t have arm rest like my truck did. I think the arm rest is also part of the reason I drive left handed. But I can remember driving left handed way back when I first started driving thinking about it more even when I didn’t have things to reach for or do. I drove left handed. I remember my aunt talking about how I held the wheel and drove and how awkward it was to her. I held the little part inside the wheel not the wheel its self. I don’t know I drive more like that now in my smaller car as well. But I had a little truck when I first started driving. handled a lot like my car. That is probably why. Okay enough I am rambling now it is random not rambling thought.

Tell us in the comments are you 1, 2, 3 or 4 my weird mind wants to know. Maybe it will drop it and let this thought go once it finds out.



{November 25, 2018}   My Ton of Bricks Moments 1

Im not going to fight with him not a man who has already put his hands on me. I am just going to shoot ask questions later when it’s said and done.

I lived with the abuse for years not because I was scared of him but more because I was embarrassed. I was a very independent, out going, out spoken person and i let myself get in that kind of situation and couldn’t get myself out of it.

If it came down to it I would not think twice about shooting him if he ever came after me again.

I don’t know why I have had the thought of him coming back in the picture and trying to do something to me. I had the though if he found out where I work he may try to come there knowing I am alone most the time. I want my guns out of pawn and I want to get my concealed carry. But that is going to take time.

I had the thought if I do I need to tell my bosses that I have it and carry it. Even about asking them if I can keep it there for the time being until I get my cc. If it is just something I keep at the office they allow it I am not carrying it on me. It is not illegal to have in my vehicle but I rather just keep it at work. So that if I was stopped or something then I would not have to worry about it being in my truck.

But I do not know how to approach it with my bosses or how they would feel about any of it. I know if he came there and started and the one boss was there he would not put up with it and would put a stop to it. He beat his ass an not think twice about it. A guy disrespects a women or abuses it is done.

I figure they will say there is this or that to protect myself but I am not he is to much bigger than me. By the time I could get close enough to him to do anything he could have a hold of me take it do what he wants. How do I make them or get them to understand why I want to do what I do? That is when I had the thought above about putting up with his abuse.

Later in the week I was thinking about stuff I have and things I need to do something with or put up. The though of how I just want to get rid of everything and everyone says how can you just have something one day get rid of it the next without a second thought? I wasn’t sure why. But between never having stuff because of him and losing everything else to pawn, being left in storage and things you just get to the point nothing means anything to you anymore. Its just stuff it can always be replaced.

I swing from one extreme to the other, i either keep everything or throw everything away or give it away. Just get rid of it all no matter what it is or worth.

I think it is because when I was with Father of the Year I never really had things. My things were always disappearing, coming up broke or given away. I guess it was a sick game to him. He thought it was funny or something.

I think now I want to do things use things or what so I hold onto them so I can. I really mean to and want to I am just so busy I rearly get to it. But no one can get rid of it or what because its my plce there is no one here to make my stuff disappear. I can keep it or do what I want. I know when I go to use it whenever that maybe it will be here. But then things pile up and I end up with junk everywhere.

Where as before I would have it no time go to use it and he had already done something with it. Now i have the stuff and no time.

But then I get tired of all the clutter and everything over all and throw it all out and get rid of it.

Like now I am tired of all the furniture and everything in the house I am fighting so hard not to toss it all out and start over. I want to but can’t afford to and want to wait until she is out of the house.

But those were my hit like a ton of bricks moment’s this last week.



{September 8, 2018}   Up In The Air

I have no idea What Sleeping Beauty is thinking about tomorrow. I have not talk to him in two day. I tried a few times today did not get him. I sent a message but from what I can tell his phone isn’t working now. He said something about trying to go pay it today but don’t know if he did. Well guessing he didn’t seeing as it don’t seem to be working.

I figure he will get a hold of me sometime tomorrow. I hope anyway. Now I am off and need something to do. I may message his mom ask her to have him call me.

I figure like the other week I will get a call or message out of the blue tomorrow wanting to know if I am still going.

Right now I have no idea how I feel about everything and talking to him. I know I want to if we go out but now at the same time I feel meh about it. I have had those thoughts creeping in, the what if and the he don’t care, he just using you, he not interested kind of thoughts. But I keep trying to ignore them. Tell myself it isn’t true, that I don’t know if I don’t say anything, that it don’t matter at least I will know once and for all, instead of always wondering. That it is okay if he says no or he isn’t interested. At least I stepped out of my confert zone and took a chance and asked. I also had the thoughts I am going to mess up our friendship but, I really don’t think I am. I also thought he is just going to laugh at you make a joke of it and probably tell everyone. I know thats not true either because he really isn’t like that. He don’t like his stuff talked about and he don’t talk about others unless its something that they need to know.

Why do we have all these thoughts racing through our mind like this? Why can’t we just be confident and strong? I have even had the thought why would he want me, or why do I feel I am good enough to find someone at all? Him or otherwise. I just wish they would go away and let me be happy.



{July 22, 2018}   Let That Really Sink In



{February 11, 2016}   Have You Ever Had A Dream

That you woke from a sound sleep to wide awake and can’t go back to sleep. A dream so bad you wake up in physical pain and feel like your going to be sick?

Thats the kind of dream I just had. My heart hurts, i feel like I’m going to be sick and I feel like the wores person in the world because of what happen and I don’t even know what happen. Its just asuming from what I seen in a few second dream. All that keeps racing through my head is why I didn’t do this or that and what happend and this forever scared and broken person sitting in front of me and the things that most likely happen to them. The look on their face and refusal to speak of the horre they just endured.

The hunting thoughts I had as I open my eyes and for a minute second felt releafe that it was only a dream. The thought of the dream I had off and on for a year or more about my dad and step dad. For a little while I kept dreaming that my step dad died and I had to tell my sister. At the end of my dream it wasn’t really him it was my dad. I kept dreaming that something was going to happen to him. Then the thought of other dreams  and how things in them happend.

I lay here try my hardest to not think about it and to tell myself it was just a drram that was probably only seconds long and that everyone is fine. But it don’t work. I feel like I’m being lifted off the bed and taken away from it but I only get so far and brought back down. Because there is no getting away from it.

Instently thoughts of not doing this or allowing that any more flood my mind while at the same time telling myself I can’t let fear of what if take over and rule our lives. It was just a dream. I just wish I could shake the feeling that something bad is to come. I wish my heart didn’t hurt and I didn’t feel like I’m going to be sick. I’ve never felt such a way after waking up from a dream.

How do you just forget it and go on when you feel like your hearts been ripped out and sat in front of you? Its broken and mangealed and hurting. You just want to put your arms around it hold it tight and tell it everythings ok, everythings going to be ok and your going to protect it. All while knowing everything isn’t ok, everything isn’t going to be ok and you failed misreably at protecting it from this how can you say your going to protect it now? How do you touch it when you don’t even know if it’s ok to touch it, it may not want to be touched, touching it may be to much for it right now with all it just went through, it don’t want to talk. It don’t have to you can see it all over its face, the hurt, the broken, the shame, the guilt, the fear, the unsertinety of what happen. You can see it already trying to stuff it all down and forget it, stuff it all down and not have to ever talk about it or think about it. The thought of just wanting to forget it and if it couldjust be forgotten and not talked about it would go away and it never happen. Your own feelings of just wanting to cry but be strong for them, wanting to rage and be angry but just feeling numb and like the world has just stopped and come crashing down on you. You know what you have to do and need to do but your frozzen there in that second unable to do anything with all your thoughts and feelings running through your mind and over you.

I lay her now in disbelife that such a fragment of a dream could be so real and leave you feeling such a way with so many thoughts.



{February 10, 2016}   Random Thought Number 2

Am I the only one who can not type in the dark? I mean I can sit and type something up while looking across the room at something else or sit here and talk to someone and look at them and type whatever it is I am working on with no problem. Right now I am sitting at the computer but I am turned sideways with my feet propped in another chair wrapped in my blanket with the keyboard on my lap looking out the window trying to figure out what the lights outside are between the blinds.

But if I can not sit here in the dark with just the light from the computer and type. I have no idea why but for some odd and very strange reason if it is dark I feel the need to look at the keyboard while I type. even though I don’t need to look at it to type and do not look at it any other time while I do. So the kitchen light is on around the corner and to be honest I don’t think it is really lighting up the room enough to make a difference, I think most all the light that is lighting the room is from the computer but for my brain it works and I am able to type.



{February 16, 2015}   What’s one my mind

My eyes have been opened to a lot this last week while taking care of things for my dad. I have sat down and started writing 3 or 4 times over the last week about a lot of different things that have been on my mind but I just can’t stay focused or on track. They just get saved as drafts that maybe some day I will be able to finish when I am in a better place. Some of it isn’t a big deal some of it I feel is very wrong. But that is all another post. Because to be honest I still don’t feel like writing.

But I went and picked my dads ashes up Thursday and the copies of the death certificates. They also gave us the papers the obituary is in.

I don’t know why I did it but I read the death certificate. I know I shouldn’t have. I wasn’t thinking about it I never seen one I just took it out to see what all was on it and things. I knew the cause of death would be on it but I already knew that. It was cancer.

What I didn’t know is that it wasn’t cancer. The cancer caused all the problems but wan’t listed as the cause. Now I keep going over the cause over and over in my mind and what it means and what happened. From there I keep seeing all that happen that day when everything started happening. Then I start to wonder if moving him prolonged things and if he suffered more because of it and it just snowballs from there. Into why didn’t I go the day before and see him. Why it happened when it did.

I think about how we haven’t been to church in close to two years and we went for the first time last Sunday. We left from church to see my dad and this happen. I am surprised the kids have not thought of it. If they have they have not said anything about it. I don’t think it is a bad thing I don’t really know how to think of it or look at it. Nothing just happens everything happens for a reason, everything happens the way it dose for a reason. I am glad the kids haven’t thought of it or said anything about it. All they have talked about is how much they like that church and asked every day what day it is how many more until they can go back. They were so excited today that we could finally go back.

Then the ashes, picking out the urn I had to make sure it would be the right size since I didn’t order it from the place. I got one that said it would hold someone almost twice his size. I know someone said they got one that was for their persons size it was to small. I looked on the site it told how to decided. One whatever they means it will hold one pound. I figure like anything you figure it is going to be off by a little. Then you have to ad in the casket as well. So this one said it was 1.89 I think and they said he was just under 100 lbs weeks before he passed. I remembered someone saying how the ashes were heavier than they expected. All I thought about all day is they are going to be heavier I didn’t want to drop it or something not expecting it. But when they gave it back to me I was really surprised how heave it was and how full it feels. They had him in something before I got there and then when I came to pick him up I gave them the urn we got and they put him in that for me. I didn’t see what he was in before or them put him in it. So then I wonder did all of him fit in it? If he hadn’t would they have told me? Or just do away with them? I know they aren’t supposed to but still you never know.

This is what is on my mind and keeps going around and around over and over again. Its been a week and it just don’t seem real even with thinking about all that all the time. I look at my baby girl and think how she isn’t going to even remember her grandpa. I don’t even know if I have pictures of them together or not. I think about how much they meant to him and how much he is missing. I think about…………….



{October 2, 2013}   Just A Thought

Wonder if anyone ever prays for me?



et cetera
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