{October 28, 2019}   Back To School, Maybe

I am thinking about going back to school next year. I received mail obe day last week from the school talking about going back and different options there are. They had grade forgiveness and something else I thought I maybe able to get in and get my grant and things back. If I could do that I would just take two classes at a time. It will take a little longer but I think I could handle it and pass them with decent grades not just slide by with C’s and be happy with that. When I started and was able to put tine into them and before accident I was getting A’s and B’s.

A lot of it has to do with my accident because it now takes me more time to do the work than it did before. I have to read things over and over and really think about what it is saying and put it all together and make it make since. It takes me longer to do the work and projects as well.

Where as before when I didn’t have to take all the extra time to read it a dozen times and then to go over it and think about it forever and a day to make it make since I didn’t need as much time to get things done.

But now I can work on it in the day at work and at night as well. I can work on it in the evening on the weekends after the kids go to bed. I am going to have to miss a little work to take a few classes at the schools but I can’t help that I can’t take them on line. But I think both jobs will be alright with that of it is minimal. I think most will be in the mornings so just the day job. If I can work it good enough then I can get out of class and not be late or just be a few minutes late if I can get into an early morning 8 am class that is less than 2 hours.

I will worry about that latter first I have to see if I can make it to the meeting and if I can get back in without costing me over $2000 out of pocket to do it.

{June 7, 2019}   Where Has This Year Gone

I had to stop and look for the date today for something I was doing. It is not anything that I do not do everyday but I had to really think about what month it was and when I had last talk to or responded to a client we are trying to set an account up for. It had been the end of March start of April when I talk to them last. I thought oh it has been a month. Then it hit me no we are half way into June just about.

I do not know where this last few months has went. As I write this and think about it, since I have started this job it seems as if I have lost a chunk of time. I think because get up go to work, leave go to job 2 and then go home and pretty much walk in and go to bed. Just to do it all over the next day and the next until the weekend gets here.

My day’s, week’s and months are just ran together. Even if you deal with the date everyday until you really stop and think about it you do not notice how much of it is gone.

{March 18, 2019}   Money Spent

I have spent so much money the last few weeks, it is unreal. I spent a bunch on gas and things running Sleeping Beauty the other week and since just here and there at the store with the kids. I spent about $85 two different times in a few days at the store with the kids. The first time was on things we needed soaps and things for the house. The second time I don’t know I bought a plant that was on sale for $1.88 and ended up spending over $13 on a hanging pot for it. I bought outdoor candles for me and Bff but they were only $3 I think. I think I let the kids get a few things I don’t even remember. I also had to get Big Boy get stuff for a class project.

then I spent a bunch in food out between me taking Bff to breakfast, then going out on Wednesday and milkshakes and things. Money out last night even though last night was only about $8.

I just been in a I don’t care mood I will make more. I have to stop because I have to pay bills and things. I had saved some money but now I am getting low again. Then having to take the dog to the vet and now needing a new phone.

I have to get a new truck in a few weeks I have to be able to save that money and find something. I just need to save over all again and start caring because I am going to be making a decent amount of money and can do what I need to do I don’t want to just keep blowing it and not get things done that need done. I still have to file and get my tax money back as well. If I play my cards right I should be able to get all my bills paid up and buy the little truck I want and the 7.3 Excursion I want. I have been seeing the Excursions cheaper and cheaper lately.

I will be able not only have time to do things with my kids but money to do things when I have the time. I should be able to have money saved as well to fix things and take care of things.

I just have to get over this last little hurdle or whatever it is and pick things up and get a plan in place and put it in action.

{September 6, 2018}   I’m Going To Need More Coffee

Between all the sleep I got yesterday and not thinking about it and getting a big ice coffee, I have not slept at all tonight. I have been in bed since 9 something and it is 5:15. My alarm for the kids will go off in 2 hours. I have things I want to go do today as well.

I am going to have to get more coffee in the morning for sure. The one I tried today from the little store wasn’t bad. They just did not have liquid sugar for it. It was strong too. I got a large at 3 something and still had half left at 8 when I was talking to Sleeping Beauty. I drank most of what was left talking to him. I never thought about it keeping me awake. Well I hope the one I get in the morning works to keep me awake at least for the day. For 99 cent its good coffee. I may stop and see Sleeping Beauty when I go get it. He will probably just be getting to work. The store is across from his job. But it is the only one in this are. It has good gas price for members and its brand new. It use to be few blocks a way from me it was the only one I got gas or anything at. I even worked there for a short time when I was pregnant with my oldest.

Just wish I could of slept some tonight. I’m not really tired but nust wanted to sleep anyway. Think because the night is dragging. Well it was until about 1. Then it seems like it is flying. But I have been reading, writing, playing games, looking for jobs and things. It is amazing what we can do laying in bed on our phones.

{September 3, 2018}   Job Fair

The place my friends daughter works for that I applied at, is having a job fair today. I was told to show up there ask for her boss and tell him I am the one that she talked to him about.

It is 10 to 4, I wanted to be there at 10 when it started but I’m not even up yet. I did not sleep well last night and what little I did sleep I dreamed crazy things, and slept wrong. My shoulder is killing me I can hardly move my arm. I don’t want go in there looking like I have problems with it. You have to lift and things. Trying to move it around get it to moving better. Take something for the pain get through the interview at least.

I don’t know what to wear, blouse, jeans my boots. Blouse, jeans sneakers. Blouse, slacks, and my boots or flats.

I don’t want to over dress but don’t want to under dress either. Its a truck stop no idea how they would expect you to be. I would expect simi casual/business. Jeans, blouse,boots or sneakers. But then I feel i should dress more. Even though most the people around me are dressed like they are going to the club not a job interview. The others look like they are dressed to hang out at home and clean. So I don’t know what I am so worried about because I am at least dressed nice and tastefully I gueess you would say.

I did my hair last night all I have to do is get dressed and brush it good and go. They know I work another job too and I may have to work before I come so I may be in later in the day. So it don’t look bad I wasn’t there first thing.

{September 1, 2018}   Ready to Walkout

I am sitting here at work and it is taking everything in me to not call the boss tell him I can’t finish the night I got to go and leave. Then not come back.

I knew hours were going to be cut and everything. I was supposed to get that 9 to 2 shift it wouldn’t effect me. Then I didn’t get it. Well mine and the other girls hours were cut by anout a day to day and a half. And are supposed to be more after this week.

Well I am sitting here and look up and there is a note with the other girls new hours she is working 9 hours a week in the 9 to 2 shift I had ask for. I am so fing pissed off right now. They tell me how great im doing how thankful they are for me know i need all the hours i can get do me this way.

If I didn’t have the boys bday coming up in a couple weeks and wasn’t havening to take care of unexpected cost I call him and go home now. Or if I had something I knew I could start work Monday or Tuesday, I would be gone. It is all I can do not to say something but I can’t.

{August 28, 2018}   6 Long Years

Last night when reading the post that made me write I Pushed Him Away, got me to thinking about how long I have been alone and doing this all on my own.

It has been six years since we split up and I have not been in a relationship with anyone since. You know how long it has been but until you really stop and think about it….

Its no wonder I feel the way I do and so down at times. It been six years of doing and giving for everyone else and no one giving back helping or doing for me. Six years of no one caring about me or showing me affection or anything. Yeah I have my friend but its not even close to the same.

Just going through everyday day to day stuff with the kids growing it seems like it has flown by. When I think about it, it seems like forever ago, another life time almost. I try to remember how it felt when me and RC were together and were happy its like hard to think I was ever happy. It was suck a short little tiny blimp of time. That almost year seems like it was a day. But the other 5.5 years seem like 10 years. 10 years of struggling and being a lone and unhappy. Not unhappy because I was/am a lone just unhappy because of struggling and not seeing an end insight. It just all seems so odd to me.

{December 14, 2017}   Why He’s Nerves

Today I had to go down and finish my hours for school, I ended up getting out earlier than I expected so I am home taking advantage of an empty house. But on my way home I was thinking about somethings that were said last night and over the last few weeks. Just everything going on in general, I think best when I am stuck doing something that I don’t have to think about like driving.

I was thinking about what all that has been going on with him that it had calmed down and now last night it starting again or trying to. Yesterday when I was at work his old roommate ask me if I worked today and I told him no I was going to do my hours. He said he had a letter from the post office at his house that he needed to come down get the letter. He said he just get a hold of him later and get with him to give it to him since I wouldn’t be back until Friday. Later the owners friend the cop came up and was hanging out. I don’t know why I just had this thought that something would be started. I didn’t say anything just did my job.

Last night my friend the bosses wife wanted me to go to the store with her, I told her I go but only for a few minutes to run in get what we needed and get out not walking around looking forever. She came over we all sat here talked and joked around and then we left. We walked outside she got to the truck she said I have to tell you some bad news. I said I don’t want to hear it I’m staying here, I am done with bad news, why did you wait until now to tell me? She said just get in the truck I have to talk to you. I did and she starts telling me that her husband my boss talked to his cop friend when he was there yesterday and that he said that Starfish has a warrant. I said no he isn’t supposed to have one he has a court date for next month we have to go to. She then tells me that it is for not paying fines the amount of the fines (I have no idea the amount) all this other stuff. I am starting to think this could be something she knows to much. She said not to tell him check it out first and see if it was true and things. I said no I am telling him he needs to know anything could happen between now and me being able to check it out. She said you don’t want to stress him. I said no but if it was me I would be pissed if someone didn’t tell me and I do not want him to feel like I am keeping things from him or doing something behind his back. I will sit down and talk to him when I get home. We can work it out and if there is figure out what we need to do. I also ask her if they told the cop where he is staying? She said she didn’t think so. I said if they did and that comes to my door I am going to be very pissed and job or no job I am saying something and shit will hit the fan. She said I understand and to talk to the boss alone and have him talk to his friend let him know we are trying to set it up so he can turn himself in and that he would get with them but to please not to come to my door. It isn’t a big deal if it is like he says it is a mix up with where money he sent in was applied to what. But until he gets to court he can’t really fix it. He don’t have a drivers licences, he does repossessions and got caught driving without it. He ended up with fines and 6 months probation. He was happy the other week telling me he was done he paid what he had to pay to be done with it and everything. Then the officer called said he didn’t pay the probation fee. since he didn’t have to go in he mailed everything in on one money order. Part of it went to fee’s part of it went to fines. We think they applied all of it to fines and not the right amount to the fee. We are working on getting the pepper work to see. But he called today and they said he does not have a warrant he is fine just come to court on the 9th and he would be fine. He told them he wanted to turn himself in and get it taken care of and everything. They said there was nothing there to worry about. So now we are trying to figure out what the hell they are trying to pull and start now.

But I was also thinking about the way he has been in genreal and things and him talking about being so nerves and not knowing why. I was thinking about things he said about past relationships and things. He talked about how he always worked what his ex wives had and the kids and things. How that wasn’t good enough because they did this or that. How his ex here did him and things. He made the comment to me the other day about this job and wanting to take it but not feeling like he was good enough or could do it because of how everyone always talked to him and done him even though he took care of them and did for them and things. I was trying to figure out what would make him feel the way he does about me. I’m not like that and things. It hit me, I think he is nerves because he isn’t “needed” or “expected” to take care of everything, give me every whim I decide I want or make sure everything is paid. He knows I do it I have been and I bust my ass to make everything work out, I don’t sit back and look for handouts everywhere or do nothing about what needs to be done. He is not use to that, he knows I don’t need him here in those ways so he has to be here in other ways. Like he said before he worked over 50 or 60 hours a week was hardly every home to give them the things they wanted. He didn’t have to really engage with them because he wasn’t there. Where as I rather him here than working all the time and having everything. I know how to get what I want and what we need without him doing that. I am not worried about working I will work to and want to work. Where as they didn’t work he did it all. He isn’t use to that, he is use to not being around and just working. This week he has worked until late but one so far and not sure when he will be off tonight. I haven’t said anything because I he needs the work and wants the work so he is doing what he has to, to keep it. It’s okay once in a while but I don’t want it to be an all the time thing. But we both know we have a lot going on and need the money right now. I a just waiting for things to calm down all around.

My friend keeps saying he keeps telling her husband that he needs to bring him back as well because he was one that worked he could trust and that he shouldn’t have listen to the other guy and let him cause all these problems knowing he has caused problems with everyone and he should have been out a long time ago. I just don’t know what is going to happen and don’t trust that either one of us would have a job that we could count on lasting. It would just be money for now while it lasted but nothing to depend on as a full time this is it job.

I have an hour until the kids get home I think I am going to lay down take a little nap and then get up make dinner and clean the house some before he does get off. This cold weather has me all out of sorts and tired all the time.

{November 13, 2016}   Father of the Year Sighting

Father of the Year made an appearance today out of the blue half unannounced like always. He called and I answered he said he was on his way over about 1130 this morning. I was surprised he called he never does most the time he just shows up, then wants to know where we are why we aren’t home or bitch because aren’t doing what he thinks we should be when we he thinks. He said he couldn’t stay long just a little bit he had to go home and work on the truck he has supposed to of worked on for almost a year.

I ran up to take a friend to the store he started about how long I was going to be gone he had to go soon. He just walked in the door and not seen them in a week or more.

A friend gave me a vacuum she got from someone by her who was moving and it was a mess. I didn’t want to take it but I did because I needed one so bad and have no money to get one. Father of the Year broke mine then got a new one and broke it too. Then says well it was cheap I didn’t try to, it wasn’t my fault same old same. I told him I didn’t care the one I had wasn’t cheap and he broke it wasn’t my fault what he bought was cheap and if he leave it alone he wouldn’t have broke it. I don’t know why he ever touched the one that was just bought. When he got here he wanted to know where it came from and why it was here. I told him because I needed one and couldn’t buy one since he wasn’t paying and that he hadn’t replaced the one I had he broke yet again. I told him he could clean it since he broke mine and it is all I have if he didn’t want to go buy one. He said he would when I went to take her to the store and he never started on it until I got back.

Why he was cleaning it I took Big Boy to the chicken coop and checked on them so that I didn’t have to take them all with them. I got back he had this thing taken all apart and cleaning it and when he finished he sat here forever. I kept telling him he needed to go it was going to be to late to look at the truck again. He kept saying ok. I told him I needed to get stuff done he just kept sitting. He finally left about 4 something with no time until dark to do anything.

Then he calls me in a little bit and wants to know if he can come have dinner with the kids, make dinner and eat with them it was to late to work on the truck it was going to be getting dark in a little bit. I didn’t want him to but I told him fine because I have my school work to get done tonight and the kids have been sick and whiny so I have barely gotten to work on it. I text him and told him to go to the store and get stuff too because I had enough for me and them and not him too. He said ok. It will let the kids spend some more time with him too. Not that he does much with them when he is here other than sit here. That is why I told him to clean the vacuum, I knew he would take it all apart and clean everything out. I don’t have time to clean it like it needed to be cleaned between dealing with sick kids, school and taking everyone every where.

He comes around once every two or three weeks for a hour or two before bed then wants to sit here all night and try to spend the night, I have to throw him out. I will probably have to throw him out tonight to get him to leave.

He didn’t have much to say today like the last few times he was here. Like he just sits back and watches or looks around. I don’t know how to explain it, it’s odd really. Oh well nothing going on that shouldn’t and nothing he can try and say anything about. He did say something about me letting my oldest walk in the store alone to grab a few things. Like I said before I can pretty much see her through the whole store. How bad things are in the world today. The things people do. I am sure that he can’t make anything out of that either I could send her to walk there if I wanted to and have her get things but I don’t. Still nothing he could do or say. Like I told him she is almost 13 she can go in places and do things on her own. The world is a lot safer now than it ever has been probably. Either way we can not keep our kids in bubbles and never let them do things on their own and then expect them to know how to live on there own or get a job or service in the world on their own when they turn 18.

{October 14, 2016}   Drowning in Work

I am drowning in school work right now. Since we had to leave for the storm, had no power and then being sick for two days. I have one teacher who everything was due Monday at 7am he gave us until yesterday at 7am to turn it all in. Really 48 hours to get a weeks worth of work done. Oh and this isn’t a normal weeks worth of work where you watch his movie fill out the notes and take a test then answer the questions from the book and take the next test. No this week we have those two test, an easy test and two finales all due. And he gives 48 hours to finish it all knowing that most had to leave for the storm, didn’t get home until the weekend or later and din’t get power back until some Monday and most of us have other classes to take care of as well. Plus you can’t just come home and just pick up where you left off like nothing has just happened, you have to clean up from the storm, replaces all the food in your house because of not having power, just everything that goes with picking up after a storm. Lucky for me I only had to clean the fridge and extra freezer out, put my mailbox back up and shop. Some have a lot more to do than that. I need to rake the yard get everything out of it but it is just going to have to look a mess until I get to it or the yard guy gets it and I will have to pay him extra. I still have not shopped. We cooked everything up and used that for a few days, grabbed the kids lunch able’s and sandwich stuff for lunch. Yesterday I ran and got pizza after I picked them up from school and went to the coop to take care of the chickens. We ate and was in bed by 9. I was going to get up when I got the little ones to sleep and I was so wore out from running for a week or more that I could not hold my eyes open I decided to just sleep and get up and get started first thing this morning after I got the kids to school.

I took the kids to school and have been working on work I don’t even know if I am going to get a grade for it of any kind because I have been emailing the teacher for two days to find out why my work wasn’t there and when it was due to find out today that it was due yesterday. He didn’t lock it and he say not to do it I am just praying that if I get it in tonight he will give me a grade and not knock a bunch of points off because if he does or don’t give me a grade at all I will fail the class. It isn’t really right considering that all the other teachers gave us an extra week and some even until the last week of the term to get it all done and turned in.

I truly feel like I am drowning in work. I have a video of a mock counseling session to do plus two huge discussion boards. I should be working on it now but I have to get the kids to bed so I can get it quite in here to work. I will probably end up working through the night tonight, all day tomorrow and all day and night Sunday.

Monday I get to go on a field trip with my little guy and then Tuesday and Wednesday I have exams to take at the school.

Friday I have to go to the doctor about my breast because they have been bothering me again for a few weeks. They were a while back and stopped so I didn’t go but I really think I need to go and get it checked. Why I am there I am going to talk to them about getting all this other stuff checked and taken care of.

et cetera
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