{August 16, 2020}   Might Move To The Beach

As I told you in Falling A Part Around Us

I am over this house and still want to move even though I have a new lease I started in March. It is going to be hard to get in a place when they know I am leaving on a lease, the upfront money everywhere wants you to have and to show 3x the rent in income.

I thought of the owner at my job saying if she had something then she would rent it to me. So Monday I went and asked her if they had anything open or would anytime soon. She said no and then said her husband had this one. She said it was on the beach that they had owned it for 6 years he had done nothing with it. She said he was finally fixing it getting it ready to rent it should be done soon. She said it is a 3/2 older house but fixed up and nice and good size for me and the kids. She said she was going to talk to her husband about it let me know. I told her what all was going on at my house now and things. She said no we need to get you out of there.

Last week was a shit show at work. That ended with us having to call 911 for one of their son’s. So needless to say I haven’t heard from her about it yet. I did ask her about it Wednesday. She said no she hadn’t talk to him with everything going on. I don’t blame her really.

So now I wait and you know how hard that is for me. I am stuck because I don’t know anything about this house. I know the town or city it is in and it is pretty nice. It is right outside the gate of the military base. So a lot of them live right there. They get first preference to places to live in the area most the time. So a decent area. You don’t hear of things happening there to much. But i haven’t seen the house to know if it will work for us. She hasn’t given me an idea what rent will be nothing. I know she has to talk to him it’s just hard to wait for something you know nothing about or if it will work.

I told her me and the kids would be moving in then between now and the first of the year he would be. She didn’t care at all. I told her we both had bigger dogs and she didn’t care. She was just like I’m not worried about all that. Glade i met someone or was with someone. This is the place for us if size and rent wise it works. She isn’t worried about him or dogs and knows I am leaving on my lease. Understands why. She was shocked when I said I had been here in my house now since March 2014.

I told JW what she said about having one place that would be ready in a bit. The size that she didn’t mind him or the dogs or my lease and things. All about it but where it was. He asked finally. I said that is the thing where it is. He said why? What’s wrong with where it’s at? I said well it’s on X Beach. He didn’t know what to say. He was excited because he wants to move to the beach. But then was talking how far from work and having to get a car and things. It would take me half hour to drive him to work and then another 20 minutes to half hour to backtrack to work myself. Then I have to go get him we would have to backtrack home. Lot of driving. But hopefully we can get a car and things fairly quickly. And then he can get a better job. I don’t want him working 10/11 hours a day 6 days a week. I want to see him spend time with him and us to have time to do things with the kids. Him working like this won’t do it.

As soon as we have a car and things for him to drive then I can change my hours as well. I can go in at 7/730 and be off by 330/4. Right now I can’t go in early because I have to have him to work by 9 so i can be there by 930. Puts me off the earliest is 6. But if he can get a car get his self there or get a job closer to home I can start going in early. That would be nice. Only reason i go in so late now was because of school for the kids. I stay til 630 so i get to him by 7 when he gets off. I see him a bit then go home. I don’t want to be home so it works. But I want to get off early come home to just my kids and do stuff with them.

We will be a mile or less to the beach probably. Walking distance. I told him I would be over there all the time at night walking. I could take the kids they could look for shells, crabs and all kinds of things. They would have a blast. He is already talking about being out there on Sunday a few hours. I just looked at him. He said what I’ll take all the kids we will have fun you can relax and have a break or go with us sometimes. He loves the beach. I just hope it works out.


{July 8, 2020}   Simple But Good Day

Yesterday wasn’t anything special just another day really. I had an eye appointment at 11:15 about 10 miles north of home. Work is about 25 south so there was really no point in me going to work before. I would have to leave right away to get to the appointment on time.

So like any other I got up normal time and went to JW house. It was early so I laid back down. We curled up and fell right back to sleep. I guess we were both sleeping good we slept through his alarm. Next thing I knew he was waking me up it was time we should be leaving and he wasn’t even ready.

The dog had his recheck at 9:30 since we hadn’t able to take him a week or two ago when he should of went. I figured it was easier to take him today why I had time rather than try to fit it in. I told him he was okay with it for the most part. He was worried about me taking him alone. He likes to pull and drag. He is a good size boy about 100lb Black Lab. I really wasn’t he listens to me pretty well and I am use to dogs that like to pull. My big girl was about his size and a runner/puller. He knows who is boss when I am around he is dealing with me.

We took him with us when we left. We got our coffee and gas then dropped JW off at work. To the vet’s we went. We were about 30 minutes early but they came right out to the car got him and was back in just a few to let me know what they thought. We were on our way in no time. We stopped at JW’s on the way home we pass it on the way and told him what they said. After that I took him home had a talk with JW’s landlord that was there and laid down to cool off before I had to go get my eyes checked.

I got there to get my eyes checked and they got me in pretty fast. The doctor said I had just been there in 2018. I was thinking it was a lot longer than that. After he did the check he said I should be able to see a lot better once the new glasses come in. I can’t believe they have changed so much in 2.5 years and mostly since March. He said being on the computer a lot more for work now will do it. I ended up paying $120 for my glasses. There were things I had to pay for that I didn’t before. But when we were done she said it was almost $500 i only had to pay the $120 so I guess I can’t complain.

I left there and went to work. I clocked in a few minutes after 1. I took off 30 minutes earlier than I normally do and still only need to make up 1.5 hours. I can do that easy this week. But if I had stayed later I would of had to take a 30 minute break. I could just leave early. Anything over 5 hours a day you have to take 30. That would of put me there another hour and I needed to leave in 30.

I picked JW up at work and we went home. I had told him earlier I would like to go out for dinner. We went walked the dog and decided what we wanted. We ordered from a little pizza place here in town. They close early so we just brought it back to his place and ate. We sat there for a bit after talked and joked around before I had to go.

I didn’t want to go at all. I just wanted to stay sitting there laying on his shoulder watching tv until we were ready for bed then go to bed.

I was laying here thinking about it when I got home. How over all what a nice stress free day it was. We did what we had to do help each other and just relaxed this morning and this evening. Then because of me it was kind of ruined because I had to go home.

Laying here thinking about it. I want that togetherness, that closeness, that family feel again. I want us all under one roof so we can just do what we need to do and not worry about getting up early going over there to see him pick him up take him to work. I don’t have to now he can get a ride i can sleep in until i leave for work but then i hardly get to see him at all. I don’t have to pick him up in the evenings but i want to. If we were all home together under one roof it would take away all that extra time I spend trying to make time to see him away. We could see each other a lot more spend a lot more time together and with the kids.

But with everything how it is even if I tell my kids we still couldn’t have that right now. It would make it harder to see him and for us to spend time together instead of easier. Another reason I just want out of here this state away from everything. I don’t miss nothing here but a few family.

For the first time tonight that I want us together all under one roof, i want us as a family, i want the kids to know just all felt right. I wanted to call the kids in here and tell them. I wanted to tell him i just wanted to call him and tell him to come over. To come stay the night or what. I didn’t and still don’t have that feeling of wanting to tell the kids but worried about telling them. I want them to know. I want to tell them. I want them to hang out together get to know each other better and start bonding. I don’t know what has changed my mind because even the last week or so I have been worried about when and how to tell them. But just something over the weekend and the last few days just clicked I guess and I feel this is right, this is what I want, it is okay. It feels good.

{April 26, 2019}   Pushing Away

I have not heard from Special K in a week. I told him last week I was getting off early and then got off earlier than I had planed so I asked him right out if he wanted company or about coming over and I have not heard from him at all. I don’t know how I really feel about that. It sucks because I do have feelings for him, and came to the realization that¬†Maybe He Is The One . I think the worse feeling is knowing that I didn’t want him to go away but that I pushed him away. I know I said a few times that I wanted to cut things off because I felt bad because, he wanted more and I didn’t. But at the same time I couldn’t and didn’t know why. I kept going back and back, but I did because it felt good being with him, I felt safe, I felt cared for, I felt I mattered, I felt he took the time to listen and wanted to know what was going on with me or just let me vent. He did little things and didn’t say anything but like to let me know he noticed something I said or did or posted even.

One thing that stands out is a night I went over and we sat at the table and talked for a while. I noticed he had the radio on in the other room. It wasn’t loud just enough you could hear it background noise you could say. It as all songs I listen to I listen to all kinds of stuff but Country mostly when I am alone and had been posting some songs on facebook or post some here and there. It was different ones I had put on there or that I normally listen to.

The the way he didn’t try to just rush in and want to take care of things. He say he wanted to help and work together and that person can’t really do it on their own.

How he said he wasn’t going anywhere, he was there for as long as I would let him. That he wanted to improve his life and I did mine that as long as we were working together we would bring each other up.

Just a lot he has said and done that I should of looked at different and didn’t or I should of really thought about instead of all the reasons not to.

I pushed him away like I did RC, just in a different way. To be honest he probably would of been just as good as my relationship with RC maybe better.

{April 10, 2019}   I Caved

So on my way to my night job I caved and messaged Special K. I messaged him he said hey whats up? We talked some. I told him to come out with us tonight he said he didn’t have money or gas right now. I said just come out we just get a drink and hang out. He said he knew it just wouldn’t feel right not that he didn’t want to go.

I got to work I told him it would be $10 at the most I had it not to worry about it. He pays all the time. I told him meet me there at 10:30 and that Bff and them would be there earlier if he wanted to go early. I haven’t heard back from him. But I am at work in a metal building and have no service. I will probably get a bunch of messages when I get in the truck. If I don’t hear from him I will message him before I leave.

I told bff we may not sit with them at first. I may sit and talk to him some first. Or wait until they leave and talk. I don’t really know it’s going to be late.

He hasn’t said anything about being with someone or what happen or what. I figure he will get around to it. I am just going to tell him the truth. It didn’t happen and I have been doing some thinking.

{March 11, 2019}   An Evening Full Of Questions

Me and the kids went with bff and her kids out to lunch this afternoon and then the pet store. When we left there she went to drop the baby she was watching off and I went to run home and walk dogs. I had some of her kids and she had some of mine.

I was about home and she called to say she was running back north of us where we had just come from to pick someone up. I was confused she said they were going to be coming through there soon and wanted to know if she would pick them up. It was sleeping Beauty. He told her earlier he was at the hospital. I guess they left early was headed home so he got them to stop closer this way and drop him at Wal Mart.

We made it back to her house before they did. They finally got there we all were sitting in the living room talking kids were in and out. Later after dinner it was late all the kids were in and out some sitting there with us. Boy did questions start flying before it was over.

Mr. 8 started asking Sleeping Beauty if he was Little Bitty’s dad. I don’t know how that went over because me and some of the kids were horse playing and I didn’t realise until later someone said something about it. While I was in the bathroom I heard him saying something about why he was always there on Sunday when we go over or if he was always going to be one. I couldn’t understand him. Others were asking if we were still going camping.

Bff left to take a kid home me and him a few of her girls and oldest were sitting there talking. One of hers looked at us and ask if we were together? I felt him lock on me before I could even turn their way or say anything. I turned to look and he just looking at me not answering locked on me. She said something again and I just said no. She said oh because I thought y’all were, your not? He still looking at me, i laughed and said no she went on about other stuff then.

I was talking to bff later after she dropped him off. I said what the hell was that all about? Why the hell was he looking at me like that? Why wasn’t he answering just wait for me to? I said I think I will ask him Wednesday. She said I would too that don’t make no since. I said I know.

She said he never said anything about what he said the other night he would tell her. She forgot to ask. I don’t know if that is true or she just not saying for whatever reason. But he probably didn’t with all that was said and things they were talking about all the kids and things.

It was a fun day, he help the kids put up tents to play in and things. They all had a good time.

He was telling us to night he has to move from his moms the park don’t want him there he isn’t on the lease. She says she thinks he is moving down the street from her at their friends house we were at the other night. His mom don’t want him to she is worried about her husband dying and being up there alone. Now her sister only has 4 weeks to live and his cancer is back. His has been back awhile they can not treat it. Said come back in 6 months if he is still a live. Its been that or close to it. I don’t know what she will do if something happens and he has moved. I know she drives and works still. But i don’t know her or much else about her. I think she is probably scared to be alone. It was her and her sister then she got remarried it was the 3 of them then sleeping beauty moved in it was 4. The sister just moved out a few months ago and now this. He will probably end up moving back with her if something happens to her husband.

Over all it was a fun day/night. The kids had a blast and the adults did too.

Well last night now I guess since it is after 2 a.m. The other day I told you how me and Sleeping Beauty had been talking again and he is supposes to go to the fair with me and the kids.

Well Friday we were talking off and on about this and that like we always do. I said something about being sore and tired. He said he would give me a good massage but something may happen. I said something he said a happy ending. I said one of those we were warned about. He said something about me liking it or something. I just made a smerk like face. He said what talk to me?. Didn’t say anything. He said what if I was giving you a massage you wouldn’t let it happen? I said. No, swapping massages was one thing but sex was another. That he knew i was looking for more than that. He said i know. I said seems to be all anyone is looking for anymore no one knows what a real relationship is. He said I do. I said me to. So what are you trying to say? I haven’t heard a word back. I messaged a few more times that nigh then yesterday. He has read it but no response. I called left a message when i got off told him i wanted to talk about Tuesday’s plans. Still nothing.

Today I have been thinking about this it how it is all the time. We talk the conversation turns into something else all of a sudden I don’t hear from him again. Then it is as if nothing was said. We make plans or start to then don’t hear from him. I was talking to bff today she like he scared of his feelings. I said yep thinking samething. She said he don’t know what to say or do scared of what is going to happen. I thought about it all evening making dinner and things. I sat down and wrote him a message and sent him. It hasn’t been read yet but it was late by the time I was able to start it then I read it change it read change until i finally just stop and sent it. It kind of long but like I told him not something i wanted to say or do on the phone or text but looks like only way its going to happen.

This is what I said……………….

What is going on with you? We talk everything is fine then the conversation comes around to something like the other night and you disappear and I don’t hear from you for days weeks. Then its as if nothing was ever said until something comes up again. Or you say lets do something and then back out or have an excuse or again I don’t hear from you.

You hint around and make comments, when you know what I am looking for and want. But you don’t say more. Then tell me to talk to you. I don’t know what you want me to say or you are looking to hear.

I honestly don’t think sex is all your looking for, but I don’t know why you won’t say what you are. Other than I think someone has gotten through your high ass thick walls as you say and your scared to admit it.

Scared to let someone in again, scared of getting close, scared of getting hurt. Scared of being the first to really say it and put it out there and of being rejected and losing or messing up a friendship.

I don’t know, I have wanted to talk to you for awhile and planned to the few times you said lets go to the beach or take off lets go out. Then you back out. This is not a conversation I wanted to have on the phone or in text. But it seems the only way it is going to be had. Unless I really hunt you down and cuff you ūüėú.

I am just done I don’t want to beat around the bush and hint around or whatever anymore.

So I will be the one to put it out there and risk being rejected, ignored and hurt.

I have told you, you’re my friend and I care about you. Honestly I care about you more than friends and have for awhile. I care about you the person, not what you can give me or do for me or anything like that. I want you for you, to spend time with, do things together, to work with and grow with to make eachother better and have better.

Like I said this is something I have thought long and hard about and picked apart and tried to find any and every reason not to and even figured when you stopped talking a few times feelings would change. But they haven’t. I couldn’t figure out why I fought it so much but I have because I am scared too. Someone got through my wall. Now I can keep fighting it and trying to ignore it or I can let them in. I have decided that it’s worth the risk of being hurt again and to let them in and see what happens.

There was more I wanted to say but it was already long enough so I left it at that. It was around 11 when I sent it so I figure he was sleeping. I didn’t know until the other day he is going to work an hour or two earlier than before. So between time to get ready and the drive he is getting up pretty early. He goes to bed around 9.

I figure he will get it in the morning when he gets up. I really don’t know if thats a good or bad thing. I really hoped to get it to him before he fell a sleep. But it was so late when I got started. I knew if I did not send it tonight I would probably back out. I want it out there once and for all. Now I can’t sleep and I have work in the morning and kids to get to school. It is going to be on my mind until he replies and if he don’t, I don’t know how I am going to feel.

{July 13, 2018}   I Made My Sleep Issues

As you all know I have a hard time sleeping at night. It takes me forever to fall a sleep and then I am up and down most of them. But then come day light I can sleep like a rock. I know I have said on here before if I had someone just to sleep with I would sleep better and at night. How odd it is.

I was laying here in bed thinking about it, why can I sleep a lone in the day just fine but not at night? Way back when me and father of the year first started having problems when I was pregnant with my 2nd is how this came about. There would be nights I just could not get comfortable in the bed with him there. I ask him sleep on the couch just for the night once in a while. He get mad and not do it we had a small bed at the time. So not a lot of room. I got to where I would stay up at night watch tv or do stuff on the computer until he got up to go to work. Then go lay down and sleep for a while.

When things started getting bad between us I didn’t want to be around him, him touching me or trying anything. So again when it was bad I would stay up until he went to work kids went to school and go home and sleep. It was that way for years.

The times I did sleep good at night over the years were when I was with someone who I had a good realtionship with and we would go to bed together happy and I would sleep good. When I would sleep in the day I was ok with being alone.

I guess subconsciously I have just associated sleeping alone is ok in the day but at night I need someone there. I have tried to change this thought but it hasn’t happened. I think part of it is because that is when everything is calm, kids are in bed and I have time to spend time with someone and there is no one so I feel alone.

When I was with R.C we would sit and talk at night really take time and spend with eachother and catch up or just to connect. Then we would go to bed together.

When me and father of the year got together it was like that too. We always went to bed together and I slept good. Until we started having problems.

{June 11, 2018}   Making A Man

I seen this the other day and it has kind of helped with wanting to tell Sleeping Beauty how I feel. Not saying he isn’t a “man” already but he is a struggling man. Nothing is wrong with that at all, we all struggle at times. God ya’ll know I do, I don’t hide it or act as if I don’t. One thing I keep telling myself when I start wanting to tell him or talk to him about it is he is working on himself. He said he isn’t looking for anything or anyone and that he needs to work on him. I hope that is what he is really doing. I do not want to be the distraction from that. When I seen this it kind of hit me that maybe he isn’t doing this alone this time, maybe God has found his way back in and he is going to do it this time.

But of course I start feeling down, alone and craving that closeness and then I want to say something. I probable shouldn’t of said what I did the other day to him but I was tired and upset. Like now I want to tell him with all that is going on. I just want him to know someone cares, someone wants to help you, be there for you, be there with you and wants to be with you and help you, build with you. But I am also scared of being rejected. I don’t want to hear what he has to say because I am scared what he is going to say.

I have been back to being up all night or most the night for a while now. I will be up until 6 to 8 am sleep a few hours and go again. I have started having to take my Little Guy to school then I try to sleep and hour or two after I get back but sit here awake even then.

The other day I took him to school, came home laid down and tried to go to sleep until the kids started getting up in a bit. I laid her even then for a couple hours. My little bitty had went with me to take him to school and was laying on the couch watching tv. In a little bit I felt something hit the bed and looked, it was her blanket, she was climbing up into my bed with me. It’s funny because the side of the bed comes to her shoulders so she had to toss her stuff up here and then climbs up or I pick her up.

As soon as she got up here she laid down beside me and I put my arm around her and we were both passed out a sleep in a matter of minutes. It hit me when I woke up I’m not sleeping good because I don’t have that other person there beside me. It never bothered me before I don’t know why it is now. I use to love to have my bed to myself at times even when I was with someone. I guess I’m just missing having some one there over all lately.

I could let Little Bitty sleep with me but she kills me and is a bed hog. She can’t lay in the bed normal and sleep, she is turned sideways and upside down with feet and arms everywhere. Or she likes to get right against my back and sleep, either way I can’t move I am falling off the bed and I wake up hurting so bad I can hardly stand up and walk.

I told my friend I just need someone to come over and sleep with me at night so I can sleep. Nothing else just sleep, she about died laughing. But you know like I said in my post the other day when things got bad between Father of The Year I stopped going to bed at night and sleeping I sleep when he left for work or sleep on the couch. When things were good between us we always slept in the same bed. We may not go to bed at the same time but I would do what I was doing then go to bed shortly after he did. When me and RC were together we went to bed together every night, I got use to it.¬†After 4 years I can’t believe it is bothering me like it is, it better go away because who knows when I will have someone to sleep with again.


{June 19, 2015}   Come TO The Garden

Lord I feel fragmented                               Quiet quiet quiet,

  Like a broken pot of clay.                        My child, be still.

¬† I’ve lost my focus; ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬†Listen to your feelings.

¬† I’ve lost my way. ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬†Discipline your will.

I’ve poured myself out ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬†Come to the Garden,

I’m drained, I’m dry; ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† The secret place we share.

I sense a discontent                                      My essence is in the Garden;

I can’t identify. ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬†Come to Me in prayer.

I feel rootless                                                    Transcend worldly cares.

Like rolling tumble weed,                            Seek the Kingdom first.

Moving, moving, moving,                          Peace lies within;

Dizzy, from the speed.                                   It is for Me you thirst.

I feel like quitting.                                          Accept your limitations;

I feel self-doubt.                                               Embrace humility.

I’m tired, Lord, ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† Here lies the path to wisdom

I’m worn out. ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† And maturity.

How can I integrate                                        Come to the Garden,

My scattered thoughts, ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† The soul’s sweet bouquet.

How can I find balance,                                 The flowers of tomorrow

Freedom from extremes?                               Are in the seeds of today.

How can I slow down?                                     TOGETHER we will weed.

How can I release?                                            TOGETHER we will sow.

There are so many pressures.                      TOGETHER we will water.

How can I find peace?                                    TOGETHER, you will grow.

Jo Anna O’Keefe

et cetera
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