{July 30, 2018}   An Emotional Night

I don’t know what is wrong with me tonight. Its almost 11:30 pm and I have been fighting not to cry for an hour or more. I really don’t know why. I have been laying here on my bed in the dark for hours now .

I feel so down doom and gloom just came over me all of a sudden. My friend wanted me to come over tonight I didn’t even go over there. I just didn’t feel like it. But at the same time I feel so alone and like No one cares. I feel stupid for caring about anyone and thinking that they would care back. I feel I just feel like shit and don’t even care about life anymore. I can’t get things straightened out or done that I need to. I should be able to some with no problem but i just have no modivation to so I don’t. I am burnt out with work and have to force myself to go.

I don’t even know what to say im just so over and tired of everything. I want to call a few people and message a few and go see a few and just have my say or say what i want them to know. I am just in a very fuck everything kind of moods. Not in a good way. I feel like i am there for everyone but when i need them they are not around or dont care. I know its me probably and that they are dealing with their own shit. But it still hard not to take it personal. I just don’t know. I want to talk to someone but have no idea what i want to say. I want to be held and feel like im not doing this all alone but no matter what i am and probably always will be. I just want to run away from it all. Everything i just want to run as far away from it all as i can not look back not think twice .I wish i could walk around and just not feel anything or care about anything. Just live my life not know anything or remember anything. Now im laying here crying my eyes out and cant stop.

et cetera
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