{August 5, 2019}   Workin’ Moms

I know I am late to the game once again probably but that is okay. I hardly ever watch tv at all unless a few minutes here and there with the kids. Then I don’t really watch it because who can hear or follow anything with 4 kids fighting and talking and doing whatever in the middle of it.

I signed up for a free Netflix trial the other day week when me and Little Bitty were laying in bed one night looking for something to watch. I have been watching it at work.

I started watching Grace and Frankie when it first came out, then got rid of Netflix and didn’t keep up with it. So I went back and started at the be-gaining and watched all of them. Now I have moved on to Workin’ Moms. I just finished season one and started season two a few minutes ago. Sadly I think this is the last season and I am not sure but I don’t think they are making anymore. I will have to check but I think this one came out a year or two ago so I would say they aren’t.

But while watching this I just laugh and then sit there and go wow I can so relate. Most of all I can relate to Frankie in the first season of the show. All I can think is who followed me around to record my life and tell her how to act.

Everything from the do you ever think about the plane just crashing, to the just tossing everything out or selling it. Her putting her face in the pool and the people pulling her out and her looking at them like nothing is wrong. You know your not going to do it but just don’t want to be here either.

Then the whole feeling guilty over the kids and not doing enough and not being there enough, the who is going to do everything for them and feeling overwhelmed at the same time. The other moms were dealing with what I feel everyday. the one mom feeling that she just needs the change or a change and piercing her nipple in the bathroom why they are out and wanting to leave her husband. Feeling that she is doing nothing but work work work for everyone and getting nothing in return from anyone but shit about what a horrible job your doing or why you shouldn’t be doing it or what you should be doing or doing different.

Imagine feeling that all on top of how Frankie was feeling and dealing with. That would me. I don’t know how I am getting by or functioning right now or the last month or more. I got one yes one hour of sleep last night. Then a huge fight with the Bitch this morning. I didn’t get to bed until 2 and watched a show with Little Bitty because I promised her and she is having a horrible time right now with all this. Then I laid there awake with my mind reminding me of every ball I have dropped, all that I have not cleaned up after, what a horrible job of being a person and/or parent I am, what is going to happen when all these balls that have been dropped and not dealt with come to a head. Then the thinking of oh well then maybe I will get a break and the drop of  a ton of breaks of feeling guilty for feeling that way when it deals with the kids. Then the circle of horrible mommy, poor kids slides back around and it just keeps going on and on like the song that never ends. I tell myself over and over that one person can’t get in my head not to let them get to me but I can’t help it. I know i have dropped the ball I need help but I don’t have it and don’t have anywhere to turn to get help. If I try then it just gives others more room and reason to pounce and cause life to be 1000x worse and keep pounding me down more and more and my kids to be unhappy more and more.

At the end of the fist season Frankie told her wife she was going to a treatment program to get help and I thought that would be so nice to be able to get help somewhere for the way I feel. But that isn’t an option for me like a lot of things aren’t an option for me. To have someone there that supports her and wants to still be with her. Who somewhat understands and wants to see her better.

{December 29, 2015}   Not Sure I Want To Know

A while back I posted about how I ended up in the ER, because I was in so much pain and feeling so sick. I still haven’t followed up with any doctors to have farther testing or anything. I haven’t had a way to. Now I am working and trying to get insurance so that I can. At the time I was truly At A Lost For Words. Since I started this job and have been looking for insurance and been thinking about what doctors I need to see and what kind of plan I need to get I’m not sure I even want to follow up with anyone. The more I think about everything I really just feel like I would rather just forget it and go on with life as normal.

I keep thinking if I go in and they find something it is going to be a blur of doctors, test, treatment, not being able to work or do anything. I will have to have someone live with me or live with someone and depend on someone to take care of me. Who is really going to do that? My mother who has a list of problems of her own and trying to take care of my grandma and possibly my grandpa in a few weeks after his heart surgery? There is no one else and god knows I don’t have the money to pay someone. I can’t ask friends they have their own lives and families to deal with. My sister has her kids and family to take care of, don’t drive and has no room to take on me and my kids to take care of as well. There is no way she could handle it either. I don’t know what any of them will do I am the only one that drives other than my mom but she don’t go more than two or three miles from her house. I couldn’t even get to doctors or anything like that.

I know they could find it and treat it or do whatever and everything turn out just fine and not get that bad. I keep thinking about our friend Mike Got A Miracle and how good he done for so long even though they only gave him months or less to live. Or my doula I had with my third baby who just battled breast cancer and finished her last treatments right before Christmas and is cancer free. Who had some problems but not near what she could have had. But all I keep thinking of is my grandpa, aunt and most of all my dad who suffered but not long at all and who went very quickly. I just keep thinking how quick it went how it wasn’t treatable for him. I wonder even if it is treatable for me what if it starts to spread faster once they do the test to even see if it cancer like it did with him. I really do think that them doing the test to see if or what kind of cancer opened it up and let it spread very fast through out his body. I wonder if they had just said it’s cancer because they pretty much knew it was by the size, the other things they found and it being in so many places if he would have maybe lived a while longer and been able to do things as normal for a while maybe just needed meds to help him be able to eat keep from being sick or what.

I keep telling myself if it is a tumor they can take the uterus out no big deal I don’t care I’m done with it anyway. I am not having anymore kids. But then are they still going to want or need to do more treatment and the fact I have to go through that surgery. I am not ready for surgery of any kind for any reason. Not that anyone is but it is one of my few things. I do not want to be put to sleep and cut on and anything removed for any reason. I don’t want to be cut on and anything removed while awake either. Just like when they told me I was going to have to have a c section when I had my second, I told them he could stay in there I wasn’t doing that. Thank god it didn’t end up being that way because they really would have had to knock me out not just give me pain meds. I would have been a mess forever before it ever happen. I just had my mind made up it wasn’t going too and never thought twice about preparing myself for one.

I hadn’t really thought about not finding out when they told me. I was worried about figured I would get it checked when I got around to it or could. Then the other day at work I was talking to the guy that worked with me and some how cancer, my dad and things came up and it hit me. Why am I going to find out? Why do I need to know? Why can’t I just live life as normal until I can’t anymore? Just like I had always said I wouldn’t want to know if I did have something. I guess maybe that is one reason I really hadn’t been to worried about going. I knew I needed to but was just waiting for the time to be right and to have insurance and things in place. Maybe I just wasn’t worried about it or in a rush because I really don’t want to know. I figured I would have to deal with it sometime in life but I surely didn’t think it would be anytime soon. I figured I would be older my kids would be grown. I really wouldn’t want to go for any farther testing then either. To hear it just a few months after every thing that just happen with my dad.

I guess I have a lot to think about and decide. My mom is pushing me I need to get it checked I haven’t told her I didn’t think I was going to yet. I just keep telling her I know I am working on it and trying to get insurance and doctors. I have one doctor I know for sure I am going to go to if I decide to go. I have to find a general doctor to go to and then a few others I need to see if I decide to go. Right now I don’t even want to think about it but it is the only thing I have thought of for days. The next few weeks are going to be hard to get through that is for sure.

{January 2, 2015}   Not At All What I Was Expecting

I called my dads cell phone earlier and his friend answered so I talked to her she said she was going to be there for a little while. I told her I was going to feed the kids and come up then since she was there. I figured I would let them have time and this way everyone wasn’t there at once and then just leave him sit alone the rest of the day. I debated for a while on rather or not to take the kids up with me. After we got done eating I told them to get ready and took them. I figured it would brighten his day and I did’t figure he would be getting to go home any time soon. Probably not until at least Monday. Father of the year is off so I could have him go with us and he could take them out why we talked to doctors or if they got to rout y so I could talk to my dad and see him.

We got in his room the kids went over said hi and gave him a hug. I walked over gave him a hug. I turned around and the doctor was standing there. I hadn’t even stop and ask them to call her or anything. She wasn’t around when I came up and came by the nurses station and things. I think they seen me come up and called her to come in and talk with me. She looked at my dad and said I hear your ready to get out of here and go home. He said yes. She told him ok that it would take about 3 or 4 hours probably. I was surprised because they have done any and every test on him they can do and some of them I think they did twice just on different parts of the body. They have checked him from head to toe.

I told the kids to stay in the room with them and went in the hall to talk to the doctor. As we went out she said something about you know he is checking himself out and going home. I said no I didn’t and was going to say we weren’t taking him home he was going to stay there and do what they needed to do or wanted him to do for test and things. She said I they haven’t told you what all we talked about earlier and everything and asked if I had any questions. I told her no that I had just walked in and had not talk to anyone yet. I asked her if it was ok for him to go home. She said that is what he wanted and that they had talked about it in detail and things earlier.

She said went over how they found the thing on the lung, the things on the liver and the tumor in his stomach. Then she said that talking to the new doctor they brought on board after finding the stuff in the stomach and things they pretty much know that it is cancer. I guess by the way it looked on the test and the fact it is all over like it is. She then proceeded to say he isn’t treatable. She said that they could do some light chemo maybe some radiation. She said but it won’t treat it or get rid of it. It’s just to make him conformable. But then you have the side effects of the chemo so how conformable is he really going to be? She said they are going to send him home with hospice care. She said they would come in and help take care of him and make him comfortable. I asked her something and she started telling me hospice isn’t there something what they come in and do and things like that. I told her I knew that. I’ve been through it to many times before. Just not with my dad!!!!

Hospice care is not what I expected at all. I knew that he was sick and that is was more then likely cancer but I didn’t think that we were anywhere near ready for hospice yet. I knew it was going to be bad but I didn’t think it was this bad yet. I don’t know how I feel when she told me I couldn’t even go back in my dads room. I went back to the truck and tried to call my friend J. She didn’t have her phone her husband did so I couldn’t talk to her I called my mom and talk to her for a little bit and went back up.

I had father of the year take the kids to get a drink and stayed with my dad. We talked a little bit but not really about anything. He said he didn’t want to have the blood transfusion, chemo, to be on a feeding tube, put on a vent, i.v or anything else like that. He said he talked to them this morning (well yesterday morning now it’s after midnight now) he signed the paperwork to be cremated, the dnr paperwork and all that. Hospice is going to come in once a week right now and check on him. They said they would come help him bath and things but he said he don’t need them to do that right now. But they will come more often if and when he decides he needs them to.

He started telling me I was to get all his knifes and all his coins but that my brother was to get all his guns. He said I don’t know what to do with his van he bought. He said I guess it should go to you as well. The van really isn’t in bad shape but it dose need a few things. I really need something bigger than it but it wouldn’t be bad to have to run around in now and then or if something happen and my truck was to break down. I am really not to worried about it because I know that no matter what my dad says my brother will probably keep all the coins or go through them and keep anything that is worth anything. My friend J saying I need to have him make a will so that everything gets done the way he wants it to. But I’m not even going to bring it up to him. If he has one or dose one then that is fine but I’m not going to ask him to do one. I would like to have a few things of course but you know if he gives them to me when something happens fine if not it is on him what he dose. I’m not trying to get his stuff or just around to see what I can get. I just want to see him and spend as much time as I can with him. I like to have the stuff to give to my kids later when they are older so they have something of their grandpa’s that’s it. The coin collection is something me and him use to do together when I was small. I would get him some here and there and he has gotten a lot over the years even after I stopped really messing with it. It’s a fun hobby but it is a costly one.

I feel like I am walking around in a fog and I don’t know if or when it is going to lift. I bounce from just being here and doing what has to be done and trying to handle the kids and take care of them to breaking down. The kids haven’t been to bad but everything is just getting to me right now. I have to come up with a balance to handle it all and coping. I have to say this is up there with how I would feel if I losing one of my kids. My dad is the one person I am the closes to other than my kids. He is the one person that I can go to and talk to and he isn’t going to tell me what to do or what I should do or that what I am doing is wrong. He may or may not tell me what he thinks or how he feels about it other than that he just listens and lets me figure out what to do. He don’t try to tell me how to live my life take care of the kids or nothing else and he has helped me more than anyone. I don’t know what I am going to do when something happens to him.

I already told father of the year he needs to go to work tomorrow and tell them no matter what is going on how many calls they have that he needs to talk to them about something before he starts work. That he needs to tell them what is going on and that he could have to take time off here and there and that if and when something happens he is going to have to come home as soon as he is gotten a hold of. I figure they are going to say well we aren’t together and it’s my family and things. But like I told him if they do he needs to tell them that, that is his kids grandfather and my dad and that I am going to have stuff to take care of and he is going to be here for them not dump them with a sitter or something. I know I am not going to be in any shape to take care of my self much less anything else. He said he was going to we shall see. It will prbably be like everything else he will not bring it up until it happens and then he will just keep working like nothing is going on and tell me sorry I couldn’t get off. Tell the kids sorry I will be there when I can get there I have to work.

I am going to get off here try to get some sleep and stop rambling again. I am doing whatever right now to keep my mind on other things I keep going from just being here and trying to function to breaking down. I don’t want to keep breaking down and trying not to let the kids see me.

The year sure ended with one hell of a bang, Not one that anyone wanted to be a part of or will forget any time soon. December 31, 2013 will never be forgotten. I will forever remember where I was what I was doing and what I did. I’m sure the next few weeks, months will be the same. Forever burnt into my mind and heart, and end up being one of the worse and hardest times I have had to deal with so far in life.

My mom called me at about 11:30 yesterday morning and said that my dad had been taken to the hospital and they were keeping him. My brother again wouldn’t call and tell me or tell me anything that was going on. He called her at 9:30am but she fell back to sleep and just got up remembered and called me.

I got ready and headed up there to see him and what was going on. I was almost half way there and my brother decided that maybe he should call me for whatever reason. He then tells me that he hadn’t just gotten taken up there like I thought he had. He tells me they went last night and had been there over night. They were doing test and getting him a room and things.

He tells me they have done a tone of test over night and that he was lined up to do a bunch more through the morning. If there was a test they could do they were doing it pretty much. He said he been up there the last hour and they still didn’t have him in his room. They told him it would be another 3 or 4 hours before they would have him in his room again.

He then tells me that they said there was a nodule on or in the lung and that it had changed since they seen it before so now they are worried about it unlike before. They found 5 legends on his liver. He came over Christmas day and he got sick said he wasn’t feeling good we thought he had this stomach bug going around. He said he went in and was talking to him the night before and he said he thought he needed to go to the doctor. He never goes to the doctors. Then he told him he hadn’t been able to keep anything down for days. He said he been getting dinner he told him he been throwing it a way or feeding it to the dog. So they went to the hospital. They were thinking his gallbladder. But they needed to check the other they found and look at it and see.

I stopped at my friend J’s since he said he wasn’t in his room and wouldn’t be back for a while. I talked to her and called up there. They said he just got done with testing and should be back in a little bit. We rode up there. The nurse practitioner came in after a while and talked with us.

She preceded to tell me what they found on the lung and the liver. Then she dropped the bomb that was not expecting to hear. She said he has a 5 cm or about 2 inch tumor in his stomach and that is why he hasn’t been able to keep stuff down. She said they aren’t able to remove it that it would be a very involved surgery that he isn’t able to go through. I already knew that before she said it. They really didn’t want to do the surgery to remove the cancer off his face 4 years ago and told us he may not wake up from being put under. Because of his lungs and a vent really isn’t a option either because he wouldn’t be able to come off of it after. She said they had him set up to do another scan I forget if it was a cat or mri in a little bit he had to drink the contrast so they could do it. She said they are looking at the pelvis area to see if there is anything in that area now that they have checked everywhere else. She said they really couldn’t tell us much more until the biopsies came back and they did this test to see if they find anything else. So now we just sit and wait. She said the doctor was talking about going in and putting a stint in to open the G.I track so that he could keep stuff down. I guess where the tumor is blocking since they can’t take it out.

He is so mesireable and just wants to come home. He was laying there in his jeans and hospital gown. He has lost so much weight and is so cold. He said he ask my brother to bring him some stuff and he didn’t bring the right stuff. He brought him some shirt he couldn’t wear because of the i.v’s and things. I told him I had to go but I would come up later that night. Me and my friend J went to the store and got him a nice warm pair of sweat pants and some stuff. I took it back up to him and talk to him for a little bit longer. By then it was dinner time and he was getting ready to go for his test. I told him I was going to come take care of the kids and that I would come up today and see him. I feel bad it is almost 11:30 and I haven’t been back up yet but I called a little while a go and his friend was up there she said she was going to be there for a while sitting with him and things. I figured I would wait a little while until she left. That way we all weren’t there at once and leave and he is just sitting there all day alone.

They told me there was always a doctor to talk to when I came up to just let the nurse know and they would page them to come in when I got there. I was asking the doctor yesterday when she would be back in to talk to him about the test they did last night and when her rounds were. I told her I have 4 kids at home but I need to be there to see him and be with him when she was there. Thats when she told me her or the other doctor one or the other would be there to just have them call.

His blood is also very low, I’m not sure what the number range is but they said that at 7 they start giving you blood and his was a 7.6. He is very adamant that he dose not want blood and he dose not give blood. He says he dose not believe in it and you can pick up germs that way. I just asked the doctor about it and that this is where he is this is what you all do and he don’t want it so then what. She said there really isn’t a lot they can do they just give him floods and things and watch him if he don’t want it try to help the body make it on it’s own basically I guess.

My brother is having a fit about that and him not wanting the blood and me not pushing him to get the blood. I don’t blame him and can’t say I would take it if I needed it either. I don’t know what I would do because I have not been put in that situation. But I have read about it and know that even before when they were supposed to do testing they didn’t and I can’t say that even thought it is years later I find it hard to trust they still do all the testing and things that need or are supposed to be done. So I can’t tell him it is safe and things and oh just do it I would. Because I really don’t know if I would or not.

He act to me like he seems to think that if daddy gets the blood he would be able to have the surgery for his stomach. I told him that wasn’t the case that he couldn’t because of his lungs. He says no his lungs are fine and he came out of it last time just fine. But it has been over 4 years since the last one he didn’t have this thing on his lung and it hadn’t changed. He is in denial of what they are really telling us I think. They said even at this point chemo and radiation probably wouldn’t be a option. But like they said we have to find out what we are really dealing with before we can really say what his options are. We don’t know what options we need to be talking about or eliminating because we don’t know what we are dealing with. We all know more than likely cancer but we can’t say for sure. Until we do we aren’t doing anyone any good by talking about what we can or can’t do. Who knows what may change between know and when they get the test back. He could get stronger and even though we know that surgery isn’t going to be able to be put out there as one if needed chemo and things could be. I would rather wait until we know what we are dealing with before we talk about all of it.

I don’t know what they are going to find but I pray that whatever it is this dose not turn into a long drawn out miserable thing for him. Be it is something they can help him or something they can’t. I don’t want them to say they are helping him and it just be him laying in a bed unable to do anything because I know that he don’t want to be that way. He don’t want everyone to have to take care of him and things like that and it drives him crazy to not be able to get up and do things. I hope that if they can’t that he is still able to get around and do what he wants for as long as possible and that if he can’t it isn’t a long time.

I don’t know how I feel right now other than just numb. I feel myself shift to just get through it mode and not feeling anything. Me and my dad have always been so close I can’t stand seeing him going through this or going through it with him. The thought of maybe loosing him kills me. I don’t know what I would do if I lost him. I was sitting here last night thinking about it and my kids my older 3 know him my older two will remember him my baby girl hasn’t had the chance to get to know him or remember him. My little man may remember him but I don’t know for how long. It just seems so unfair. Then I feel bad for bad for feeling that way. I look at my facebook page and see my friend and her kids who lost their dad a few years ago to cancer. I have had my dad for 34 years. They are just kids and lost theirs and growing up without him. At lest my older three have their dad. But who don’t think these things at a time like this?

I better get off here and get ready. It’s been a little bit since I called up there. I got to eat and get ready. I dread going up there, I dread the new news, seeing him there like this, knowing what he is going through, dread leaving him there when he is asking me to take him home, dread knowing he is there or he is there alone. I just want to go sit with him I could all day until they through me out but I have so much to do with the kids and things as well. I feel bad for not being there and spending as much time as I can with him. I feel myself trying to shut down and go back to just go through the motions get things done mode. But I can’t I can’t remove my self and just go through the motions and get it done this time. No matter how much I want to even.

et cetera
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