{August 30, 2020}   Disappointing Trip to Kissimmee

I wanted to do something fun just me and JW and get away for the night/day this weekend before I go home. I looked up things to do around us and found a car show in Old Town/Kissimmee area. I wanted to go over last night when he got off and get a room get up go to the show and walk around. But we didn’t have anyone to stay with the dog and he gets off so late, we decided to just go to bed early and get up early to drive over. We figured we would be getting there about the time the cat show started.

I wanted to see what Old Town was like since I hadn’t been there before I took the kids. Then it said there was 2 or three flea markets right by there as well. I figured it would be a nice day out together. I know he likes to look at the old cars and I do too and I love to go to flea markets yard sales and thrift stores.

Let me tell you we got over there and it was about a half hour before the show started. When I finally found the place. It wasn’t where or what I thought at all. We pull in and there is no one around. No cars set up no one setting up and not even area it looked like anything like that would be going on. No other people around like they were coming to see them and no one around getting shops open or ready to open even. We drove all around and through the place and seen one person the whole time. KW got out went and ask when the show was and where. He told him the car shows were Friday and Saturday. He told them their site said a special one today and the guy said no he didn’t know what he was talking about.

I tried to pull it up on their site and it had been taken down. JW knows it was there as well because me and him both were looking at it and reading about it last night. They could of said this or that happen we aren’t doing it or what. We left I was disappointed I plan this for him now they are not having it. We decided to go to the flea markets. They had 3 right close there. The first one no one was around it was still closed even though it said open at 10. It looked like a store for tourist not a flea market so we left.

I go down the street we stop at this other one it was a big in door place but more like a flea market. One lady doing hair was set up and open. Everything else was blocked off and closed. The office was right there the door was open. I said what time is everything open. He said oh we open at 10 but venders and the booth people start trickling in between 1030 and 11 sometimes later just whenever. We decided to try the other building we seen a few people around. The door to it was locked and we left. We found another one a mile or so up the road and stopped. There was a handful of places open but still way more closes than open. It was closer to 11 at this point. We left stopped went to the bathroom got a drink and headed home. It was so bad we stopped all those places drove the trip there and back in 3 hours. 120 mile drive.

We were going to go to Daytona it was an hour from where we were. But that was taking the major roads and tolls and all that. I was not in the mood for all that. We decided to head home then figure out from there.

We ended up just coming home and going to lunch. His aunt called wanted to know if he wanted to come for dinner tonight so we are going over there. We finished lunch and went to do laundry. Now we are back at the house. Dropping everything off getting ready to go over there.

I’m still not happy about our day out getting messed up.

{August 1, 2020}   He Called Me Last Nigh

We talked for about an hour last night when he got done with the kids and back to the motel. He messaged me a few times during the day. Something was said. He asked what was wrong. I ask if he would call me later. I told him once he was done for the night before he went to bed was fine if he felt like it. That I didn’t want to get into it right then at work. He said okay he hope everything was alright.

I told him it was fine not to worry go enjoy his time with the kids and graduation. He said okay he would call me. Later that night I was sitting there watching tv and got a few messages. He sent me pictures of him and the kids. He looks so happy. He said he is, he is loving it. They were all out to eat it was kind of late. I didn’t figure I would hear from him. It was okay because I know how it is when you get busy with the kids as it is. But then when he hasn’t seen them in so long and everything going on. I was about to turn everything off and go to bed and the phone rang.

He said his oldest had left before graduation she had to get back to work and they only had so many tickets. The other kids were home and coming to spend the day with him today.

He said he was sitting outside at the motel. He was talking about seeing everyone and talking with all of them. That everything was going well. They all had been decent and just hanging out talking.

He was a little aggravated and said he found some thing’s out he didn’t know before. I guess his son got into some trouble a few years ago. His ex wife tried to call him and the girlfriend answered the phone. She refused to wake him up because he was sleeping. They got into it on the phone. I guess she never told him and the other didn’t call back. I don’t blame her for not calling back. We talked about that I said something about my ex him not knowing anything about my kids. How Little ones dad has only seen her once and things. Some how him and his trip came up.

I told him how we went from him wanting to get married and me to adopt two of his kids. To I don’t want any of this

He was shocked. I thought I had told him before but I guess I hadn’t. It came up he was talking about being glad he left finally and things. How it would of ended bad had he stayed. I said that was how it was with my ex husband. But that it was hard when it was me and RC. Because we had only had one real fight and where we were at when he did this. So i was blindsided. How I help him find his daughter encouraged him to and was done this way. He was shocked. It isn’t something I talk about or tell many people so I may not have told him.

We ended up talking for an hour. His mom was going to sleep everyone was gone. He went in shortly after we started talking and she was laying down. So at least I didn’t feel bad about keeping him on the phone. He didn’t seem in a hurry to get off either. He said a few times I miss you so much. It’s going to be so hard to leave but I want to come home and see you. I tossed and turned and this morning I kept waking up you weren’t there. I am so use to you being there in the mornings.

He was talking about the kids he said I held it together when my oldest left but it was so hard. He said I didn’t want to let her go and wanted to cry. Knowing its going to be so long or who knows how long before I am going to see them. I said I told you let’s move up there be closer to your kids have all the kids close. He didn’t miss a beat he said lets do it. Lets pack and go. I said I really mean it honey. He said me too I would love to be closer to my kids. Even if we went to South Carlina it isn’t far it is right over the boarder.

I told him my friend wants me to go to SC next month for 3 or 4 days a week. He ask if I was going I said I didn’t know. I needed to work and things. He said what about the kids? I said honey she wants all of us to come. He said oh I thought she just wanted you. I said no honey they are like family they love my kids my kids love them. They want us all to come. He sounded a little surprised. He said I have to work I have my trip in December. I said I know. I probably won’t get to go because I am just staying a float right now. I can’t afford to take off. It would be so nice to live closer to them all we could drive over for the day or what. I said if I went next month I may not come back. Not even to get my stuff. I may just stay and not come back at all. He said I don’t blame you one bit. It is so nice being with my kids, I just want to see and be with you too. I said you know I’m down to move and told you I go to Ga or Tenn to be closer to your kids. He said I could go back to work over there where I was working you could find office something really easy. Let’s do it lets move. So I guess we are going to talk about that when he gets back. Hope make a solid plan and start looking for areas and houses and jobs. He sounded so happy on the phone and looked so happy in the pictures he sent. I think he had just forgot what it was like to be out of here and away from here. To be with his kids and things.

He had been in the situation he was in down here for so long with his ex girlfriend and stayed cut off from everything and everyone for so long. When you live like that with the drinking and abuse so long you get out you don’t know what to do or how to react because it’s like the would moved on without you and you are in this time warp like trap. I think this made see there are still people who care and really do want him around and don’t hold it against him that he wasn’t there as he should of been and things. I can’t wait until he gets back we get to talk.

I never did come out and tell him what was bothering me on the phone. I told him about RC leaving going on his trip and all that. But because we were talking about something else. I don’t think he put 2 and 2 together. Be didn’t know what was really going on how I was feeling.

After we hung up I messaged him told him thank you for calling me we never talk on the phone. I didn’t want to bother him why he was away.

He said thanks for what? I told him for calling me. He said I told you I would. I said I know I didn’t want to ask you to and bother you on your trip. But it has been a hard few days. I told him how everything about RC hit me the other morning before I got out of bed. He said he was sorry and I wasn’t bothering him. He was sorry he wasn’t here for me. I told him it was something I just need to deal with if it wasn’t now it would be another time. If he hadn’t went now then I would be dealing with it at Christmas. So I am glad it is now. I told him I knew things were different. But just dealing with all the thoughts popping up.

Like I said before, you can work on yourself forever but there are somethings that just can’t be dealt with or worked on until you are dealing with it again. If i was with someone and they never went on a trip it would never be an issue. But I am with someone he went away and it has hit. Now I have to work on it and fix or heal that part. Seeing that he calls or messages why he is gone and comes home and everything is fine is what is going to let me work through it. That is what is going to let me be okay next time or one day down the road. it may take a few trips before I stop feeling the way I do. Who knows. But it is a start. If this storm lets him he will be home tomorrow around 4 i think. If he gets delayed because of the storm then hopefully Monday sometime. I hope it is tomorrow I kind of hope it is Monday. Monday early we could spend some time together.

I am still having thoughts my mind going over all the what if’s and just over all missing him.


{July 12, 2018}   Am I The Only One

Who does not talk things over with other people when making big life changing decisions?

Take moving away. All my friends know we want to have for a while and different areas we are looking at and things. My one friend knows that if I can work things out I may in a month or two.

But when it comes right down to deciding if we are going, when and all the details I don’t talk to anyone about anything. I decide I am going I set everything up and start working on making it happen. Once the date to leave isn’t to far away and I have to start doing things like pack, go through things, get rid of stuff and all that, then I will tell everyone we are going. Once I know for sure we are and there is no chance of something going wrong. And it is to late to change plans or what.

Like talking to my “friend” when he was talking about getting together and being more. And how I feel about sleeping Beauty. I have only told two people that. That was just talking and things. I have not even told Bff how I feel or what I am considering. She knows I have been talking to someone, that I am interested and have feelings for them but she don’t know who. She knows that the other one is interested but not that i really have considered it or am. She keeps asking who the other one is I just say someone I been talking to for a while. She don’t know how much and how offten or what all we talk about. She thinks I just talk to him now and then. She ask again today i just went on about whatever else we were talking about. She said we need to get together and talk when i get home. I just said okay.

I don’t really feel it is stuff I really need to get into all the details with someone or even just talk about with others really. I feel I want to decide for myself what I want, how I want to go about it and then do it. Without having everyone’s input, thoughts and opinions to influence my decisions. I want to feel I did what was right for me and what I wanted. Not what everyone else thought or wanted. If its a good outcome okay great everyone will know soon enough. If not they may or may not findout anything.

When I decided to get my divorce I was the same way. I did not tell anyone there were even proplems or thoughts of a divorce. Few knew there was little things wrong. No one though things big enough for divorce or that we would get to that. So many people said you all were the perfect family, what do you mean a divorce? You will work it out let him come back. All kinds of stuff. But when I told even the first person that is what we were doing I already knew 100% that there was no changing of my mind, no working it out, no getting back together. I was okay with it and ready to move on.

It is kind of funny because I am this way and not real open when it comes to things. But then I am the one everyone comes to and ask what they should to or how they should handle this or that. I feel I am the only one who doesn’t ask others what they think or what they should to. I have been told I hide and do everything or asked why I keep everything a big secret? Really I am not, if I am really going to do something I like to know it is going to happen for sure before I talk about it.

{January 30, 2017}   A Trip To Disney

Me and the kids were talking about it today and we are going to see how much one day tickets to Disney would be. I know they have three day passes for $140 right now but that is more than I have to spend. I don’t have money for one day tickets really either but we talked about it and all the kids even Mr. 6 and Little Bitty agreed that if they had enough or close to enough they would pay for their tickets out with their money instead of buying a guinea pig. They said they would start over saving for them and get them next time if they could go to Disney.

I feel bad because my oldest wants to go to a big Country music weekend they are having for her birthday but it is close to $200 a ticket, then we have to have a room for three nights, food all day for three days and gas. It would cost as more for me and her to go there than it would for us all to go to Disney even with me paying for her ticket since she hasn’t gotten any money saved. She was upset and cried earlier when we were talking about it but I just explained to her that I can’t spend all that money on a weekend for just me and her and do nothing for the rest of the kids and that I don’t spend that kind of money on birthdays on the rest I can’t really for her and not the others. Little Bitty’s birthday is in April I have to do something for it as well. I am trying to plan a sleepover for my oldest with two of her best friends but I don’t know if that will work or not because they are so busy with things for school and then things they are in other than school. I really hate it because it seems like the last few years her birthday has been a mess, my dad being sick and passing then last year I didn’t have money and we did it late again. I had planed for this years was going to do something with her and her friends then Father of the Year is doing the way he is over money and I don’t have it to do right now. I am praying that what everyone is saying on line is true and we get our money Thursday this week and not the 13. If it comes anytime this week I will be so happy I will be able to do something for her and get my truck fixed. It won’t be late really since we do them the weekend after or before their birthday most the time. I will just do cake and things with family then surprise her with the party. I was trying already to set it up the weekend of the 17 but I haven’t heard back from anyone yet. If I get my money this week I can give an option of a couple weekends and hope one works.

I hate it she don’t talk to more people and things like that and that she don’t have more friend but she has made a lot of new friends at school and seems happy. The only thing is they are all mostly older than her and they are all guys. There are only the her and the one other girl in her class. So that kind of puts a damper on things like sleepovers.

I would love to do this trip to Disney with the kids my older two have been a few times the little two never have. I think it would be nice for me and the kids to just get a way and do something fun together. We had fun when we took our trip to the light house, aquarium and things a couple years ago. This past year we have not done anything. I use to take them to one of the theme parks or get them something nice that they normally wouldn’t get every year for a while. Then things happen with me and father of the year and I am lucky to have money to do anything for them hardly. It’s been tight the last few years I want to do something for them nice even if they are helping pay for their tickets. Just getting to go and spend the time together will be great.

I plan to work the week of Valentines day and Mothers day to make some extra money. I hope that he will be paying his part and that will be money to go into savings. I also budgeted for $50 a month to go into savings for us to use to do things we want or something we want. Even if it is something as simple as going out to eat one night or to a move we have $50 a month there to do it with. They like to do other little things that don’t cost as much either so we may get to do a few things some months depending on what we do. Whatever is left we will just roll over to the following month. I think I will take a few months and put toward out Disney trip for them to have a little spending money. Maybe like half from each month for a few months so that we will still have a little there to do something that month as well. If I work those two weeks and I make as much as I did when I worked the two days a few years ago I should do really good. I made right at $300 for two days. You can work the week before for both of them most the time as well. I figure I will work Monday and Wednesday from the time I get out of school until I have to pick the little kids up from daycare at 6. The other three days I will go straight there after I drop the older two at school and work until I have to pick the little kids up. I can pick the older kids up and take them with me when they get out. If they really want to and I have a phone for the house by then they may even just stay home. It will just depend on where I have to work and things like that. But if I can make that much in a few days I didn’t even work as long as I could have then I should make decent. I could make close to $900 in a week. Take off maybe $200 for gas probably not even is still really good. I am also going to take my computer with me so I can jump on line punch in all my delivers and map out a route so that I know right where I am going and go in order so I am not driving around in circles or backtracking like I did last time. I wish I could find somewhere that I could just deliver local for that I could to it everyday. It would give me the little extra that I need and work with the kids and school. Because most of it would be done why they are in school and if I had to I can take the older ones with me. I am going to start looking and see what I can find.

et cetera
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