Had to edit to add a title lol

I am so happy with J.W and our relationship. He is always committing on me looking at him. Or stairing at him. A lot of times in the mornings when I go over and he is sleeping. I didn’t even relies I was doing it.

But lately it just seems to good to be real and I just lay there and wonder when it’s all going to blow up. The closer we get to telling the kids the more worried about it I am. The more uneasy I feel and the more i wonder if I should tell them. I feel like we are 5 months together it is just a matter of time wait it out. The last relationship only lasted about 8 months. By the time I tell the kids it will probably end so why tell them at this point?

I try to tell myself it isn’t true he cares and wants to be with me and the kids. He is excited about getting to know them and do things be a family. That him and the kids would get along together so well.

My mind goes to but is he really going to want all this once he gets a car? Is he really in this and want it? Once he gets a car is he going to find someone that has more free time? Don’t have all the extra going on? Or just decide he rather be single?

He says all the time why didn’t we talk more back years ago? I wish I knew what was going on and what you were going through. I would of put a stop to it i woulld of helped you. I am so happy you found me and messaged me. I am so happy. He tells me all the time he can’t wait until things are different for us. The kids know things open we can all do things together. Just Thursday night he was telling me when he gets his car and things each weekend he is going to take one of the kids and spend time doing something they want to do just them. To give them some time away from the other kids and some one on one time with them to get to know them and the things they like to do.

Yet I am just waiting for it to all blow up. Thinking is it worth involving the kids. The last few days he keeps asking what is wrong. He say’s I have that look like I want to say something but I’m not. I just say nothing he say’s don’t tell him nothing he knows something is. I don’t know what to tell him or how.

{January 25, 2020}   Childhood Friends

I don’t know if you remember me telling you about reconnecting with a childhood friend back a few days before Christmas or not. If not you can go over and read Hanging Out and Catching Up.

We have talked daily since and went out I don’t even know how many times now. He took me to dinner after work on my birthday, we have been out to walk the beach after work a few times and he has been out with me and Bff a few times. Few weeks ago me and the kids “ran” into him at the park and hung out for a while.

He kind of surprised me about two weeks or so ago we went out to the beach after work to just walk. It was such a beautiful night out the moon was so high and full. The beach was lit up nice and you could see the water and where you were walking. Most the time it is pretty much black dark other than the little bit of light from the builds in the background. Still pretty dark on the edge of the beach where we walk. This night it was just a perfect night for a night walk on the beach.

We walked a good ways down and I sat down up on the dry sand looking out over the water. He came up and sat down beside me. We sat there for a long time just talking, laughing, joking around, and carrying on. The wind was starting to pick up and it was getting pretty late. He said something about getting up or going. I said I been thinking about it but don’t feel like getting up and moving. It’s just nice sitting here. He said something about it being late and the kids and things. I said yeah I know he got up and reach down grabbed my hands and pulled me up. Then he just stood there holding them. I went to move one for something and he pulled me over into him and put his arms around me and hugged me. He just held me there a minute. He looked down at me just looked at me for a long time leaned down and kissed me. I was surprised but wasn’t at the same time. Oddly enough I didn’t pull away or try to stop him. I kissed him back. We stopped, he looked at me and said you don’t know how long I have wanted to do that, pulled me into him held me again. We walked back up the beach and ended up sitting there on a bench and talking for a while longer. I took him home and dropped him off.

later when I got home he messaged me and said tonight was one of the best nights he had in a long time. He said he was scared to kiss me didn’t know how i would react. He said he was glade i didn’t freak out. That he love the time we spend together.

I laughed and asked why he thought I would freak out he said he didn’t know. I said worried you were going to have to walk back from the beach? he said or slapped. I said I wouldn’t of slapped you even if that wasn’t something I wanted. I wouldn’t make you walk back either. He said good. He said I’m just glad you didn’t maybe the start of something new. I said maybe to him saying the start of something new. He said he was okay with that.

i think we have been together every night since then. I have been going to see him before work and once in a while between jobs I will stop see him grab some food. I stop by and see him after work or we go out. He works as much as I do but does 6 days a week instead of 5. It is hard to see each other spend much time at one time together.

A few days or so after that we were at his house when I got off work we were joking around and things. We were just sitting there it was quite he asked what I was thinking or what was wrong. I  said what are we doing? He said nothing or hanging out something like that. What do you mean? I said I mean what are we doing? He said oh you mean us? I said yes us? He said I hope building something new. He said something I said I guess I am trying to figure out where you stand, what you are looking for or expected. I said I’m not looking for a fling, a one night stand, or to be one of 20 or anything else. He said one of 20? What? What do you……. He said what 20 other girls? I said yes. He said no, no it isn’t like that at all. I don’t want 20 other girls I want one, I want you, I want this. I want this now I want it in a few weeks I want it in few months. I want something long term. I am so happy with you and have such strong feelings for you. He said every day we spend together I feel closer and closer to you and they get stronger. He said you are so busy have so much to do you still make time for me, we laugh, we joke, we play and have fun. We have conversations and help each other. He said I am very happy. He said I know you don’t want to get married again I am okay with that, I know you don’t want anymore kids, that is fine, I don’t want more either mine are grown. I know you have kids, I know they come first, I know you are very busy and we can’t spend time together all the time. I understand they should come first, you do what you have to do to take care of you and them. I am here to support you anyway I can and will help you anyway I can. He said I know you want to take things slow and you don’t want to bring the kids into it to soon or tell them to soon. He said that is fine I understand and you are right. You do have to protect them and do what you feel is best for them as you should. He said I am not going to come between you and your kids or get mad at you for doing what you need to for them and/or you. He said I am going to be here how ever long it takes to get to a point to tell them and them to be okay with it all.

I said because you know we have been friends for a long time. he said childhood friends. I said yes and I like our friendship and don’t want to lose that. I said I don’t want to be hurt again. So if you aren’t in it for more than here and now or just until your bored or something better comes along I don’t even want to do this I wan to stay friends and be done. He said no I don’t want to lose our friendship either I wouldn’t do this for just here and now or anything like that.

When I first said something he thought I was worried about his ex coming back in the picture and him getting back with her. I said no that isn’t what I am worried about at all. I said I know how it is when you hit that point of being done. I said just talking to you listening to you when you talk and all that went on I can tell you are done and I don’t think you would go back to that at all. That is when I said something about being one of 20 others or something like that.

Another time we were talking and talking about moving and things. My lease is up in March I want to move out of my house. I was looking at moving up where J and her husband Jr. are. He don’t want to move. He said over and over he is home he don’t want to move or isn’t. One night he was saying something about it. He said well I say that now but I don’t know what may happen down the road. Later another time we were talking about moving and things. I said I was torn now because I want to move away but then he is here and things. He said for me to do what I needed to do for me and the kids what was best for us and things. he understood. That just hit me wrong and bothered me. We were messaging at the time it bothered me I kept thinking about it for a while. Later that night or a night or so later I went over to his house after work. We were laying there talking across the bed. I said something about it. He said he didn’t want me to feel bad he wouldn’t like it but he understood that me and the kids need to have an easier or better life. If that meant being away from here he understood and things. I said if that is how you feel I wish we never went this far with things. I said it’s like you don’t even care after saying all this just a few nights/week ago. He got upset he said what how are you going to say that I do care about you but you can’t put your life on hold for me. We talked a little more i went home. I wasn’t mad he wasn’t mad just talking and it was late.

Monday this week I think it was I went over and we were watching tv relaxing talking about our day or what. Later we went and laid on his bed my back was killing me and I just wan’t feeling good. I been in the er over the weekend and things. We laid there talked for a while. He ask me what was wrong what I was thinking about. I said nothing. He said he knew i was the way I had been all night. He said just talk to me you can’t keep it all bottled up.

I finally just told him, I’m scared. He said scared? I said of being hurt, I don’t want to be hurt again. He said honey I’m not going to hurt you. I know what the others done. I am not like that, I don’t want to see you upset or hurt, i want to see you smile and be there beside you helping you protecting you. I care to much about you to hurt you. I know how it is I have been hurt dealt with a lot as well.

I said you don’t understand, i said with Little Bities dad we went from i want to get married, i want you to adopt my two boys, baby on the way, taking a loan out on my truck to……..I don’t want this, I don’t want any of this I’m leaving in a weekend. I said I put everything on hold to be with him because we had plans to do things together. He did that and i ended up screwed in the end.

He kept saying I know I’m so sorry that happen to you I’m not them. I will not do you that way I want you in my life I am so happy I want this I want you.

I said i know we just got together trying this trying to see where it goes. We already know each other pretty well so that changes the dynamics of things some. But I have some big decisions to make here fairly quick. With in the next 3 to 6 months and a lot i have to make now and start putting into motion. I can’t just wait until the last minute to do something. He said I know I told you already. I said yes I know but I want us, I want to give this a good chance and make something of it. But I don’t want to go lock myself into things, spend my money and a few days later or months your gone.

He just keeps saying no I’m not like that I want to be with you, I am so happy with you. I want whats best for you and the kids but I want us too and I am here to help you anyway I can with whatever you need if you stay here. I don’t want you to go and to lose you. But I don’t want you to struggle and things either. I’m willing to help you as much as I can and you will let me.

I said so where do you see us in 6 months to a year? What do you want or where do you want us to be?

I don’t remember what he said exactly but basically us together, a stronger relationship, me and the kids in a new places around here, meeting the kids and forming a relationship with them and that hopefully being able to give me more help, me not working two jobs and struggling being home in the evening with the kids. I told him I wanted to work both for a little while once I got moved and would have to in the be gaining. We  hope to get somewhere cheaper than where I am now. So I can only work one job and not two. He said no I needed to be home with the kids and that he would hopefully be helping me more then too. That he hopes that we move in together down the road once the kids know what all is going on they have all had time to adjust and bond some. He said if the kids are okay with it us living together at some point but I know it will take a while. I am willing to wait until the time is right for you and them.

I told him if he was planing on moving in at some point then we should probably work on finding a place together. Then once the kids know and if or when we all decide it be okay for him to move in we will be somewhere that works for all of us. He said yes and that he would like that and wants to help me find something that will work good for me and the kids as well as him.

I told him with Little Bitties dad I was planing a future with him, working towards it and doing everything i could to make things happen. But he wasn’t what happen.

Thats when i ask him where he see’s us in 6 months to a year? That we need to find a house together if we plan to do that. I don’t want to move again in a year i want to be where ever i end up for at least 2 years. (Long term plans and goals.) He has a large dog so we need some where he can take him. Like i told him i put that i have two dogs on the lease put him on it with my dog. That way he can bring him over when he comes and he has some trips he has to take the dog can stay there when he does. Dogs are hard to get in places it is better to get them in when you first move in than later.

We were talking later I told him I think I want to wait until I move to bring the kids into it all and let them know what is going on. He is going to help me move so they will meet him get to know him some then but not a lot. He is just a friend coming over to help me move is all. But this way my mother will be out of the house, I will have my house back to me and the kids. We can relax and have people over do things without dealing with her or her being in the middle of everything and putting her unwanted two cents in. Like I told him I don’t need to hear from her why I should or shouldn’t be doing what I am doing. I don’t need her telling me kids things about me because me and him are together or about him because we are together. I said I don’t know what she is going to say or how she will react and I really don’t care because nothing she says or does is going to change things. I just don’t want to deal with her and I don’t want her saying things to me kids because she gets pissed off or don’t like it or whatever to make them think anything about him. It is up to them all to get to know him give him a chance and figure out what they think of him without her or my input about it all. He said that was fine he understood. I said plus that will put us being together about 3 to 4 months. Once he helps us move they meet him and we are settled into our own place he can come over hangout they can get to know him better.

Once they know we are together and things we can talk about him moving in and things. Like I told him maybe around October or sometime after. Maybe not until the end of the year or this time next year. It all really depends how things are going between me and him as well on if he meets the kids and we tell them what is going on one I get moved. If I am not ready he can hang out as a friend or what until I feel it is right. But things are going really well right now so hopefully they just get better and things work out how we would like. I really don’t want to rush things but I think that if things are going good telling the kids the end of March or be gaining of April would be okay and if things are going well and kids are up to it thinking about him moving in sometime in October or around there would be okay. Maybe a little soon I don’t know. How do we ever know when the right time is? All I can do is take it a day at a time and see how it goes.

But I can say this I am happier than I have ever been. Bff says she has never seen me like this not even with RC. She said it was so different with him compared to me and JW. She says you are always smiling and just so happy. She said you weren’t even that way with RC. But like I told her things were different for me and him because we both had kids and little kids. So we were dealing with a whole different ball game than me and JW. JW has kids but his kids are grown, they are like 18,21 and 22 I think. He is willing to take things slow, he is willing to wait. He understand I have kids, jobs, other things to take care of. He is willing to take things slow and to help and he wants to be there and wants to build and grow. He is looking for a relationship, he isn’t looking for someone to move in and step into the mom and maid roll. That was what RC was looking for really. JW wants to help and wants to be together. He don’t really need or want anything from me. He is dealing with and compromising a lot to be with me, way more than I am to be with him. Like he said it won’t always be that way. Once things settle down they will even out we will be able to be more of a team and things.

I believe him i don’t feel anyway about it. Like with RC i always from the start felt that there was more or something i was missing i needed to know about. I don’t feel that way about him. He was raised different he is a completely different than guys i normally date. He holds doors opens my car door will do anything for me i don’t have to ask. We go out he is always paying. I tell him i can pay or buy my own he gets mad. He says i told you if we go out you aren’t paying for anything. I tell him i know but he cant all the time. He just says he has it i need to take care of the kids. Me and bff went to lunch the other day. I bought him lunch sent him. He was surprised. Bff dropped it of she was going by there i had to get back to work rode with her.

I really think he means what he is saying. I don’t know. Even though i feel he does my mind tries to go over all the reasons he is lying or what he is hiding. I know he isn’t i know its all in my head. I am trying really hard to ignore it. When we are together just quite it wants to wonder to the what if’s.

After we talked the other night something was said about how things are or were that i need to know or what. He said babe anytime you need or want to talk we can if something is bothering you talk to me about it. I don’t mind i understand. It isn’t easy to trust again. Its alright.

{September 17, 2018}   To Heal

Found this interesting and has me rethinking my post from the other day, Maybe I Didn’t Forgive Both People I feel good about things until I start talking to someone and it starts to seem like its going somewhere. Maybe that has nothing to do with forgiving and is just me and something I need to work out.

{July 31, 2018}   Just Two Unloved People

Am I attracted to Sleeping Beauty because he feels safe? Because we are just two broken people who understand eachother two people who no one cares about or loves? Since we are both in the same boat then we can make things better for eachother? Since no one loves us we can just love eachother and everything will be okay. Am i scared that if I get with someone else then they will see how broken I really am and run away? Because I am not perfect for them? Or because so many don’t understand mental health and there is such a stigma around it? Because I know I am good enough but I also know I am not perfect and that I have struggles. I can do it on my own but I don’t want to and it be a lot easier on my mentally to have that help. Are they going to look down on me for that? Are they going to not see that it isn’t just me not wanting to do it or not doing it but that I am functioning as best as I can and sometimes I need that extra help. Or are they going to look at me as the bed mother, horrible person and unlovable or not worth putting time into leave like the rest. Are they going to think that they can do as they want and treat me any ol way and I won’t say anything because I won’t want them to leave? Like father of the year did?

I just want to be happy and loved I just want someone to take the time to really get to know me, ask questions and understand. Don’t look at me different or hold something against me when I tell you. I ask questions and listen to understand not to relpy. I do not look at people different or hold things against them when they tell me. I want to know to truely understand them and to know them, where they are coming from, why they do the things they do and are the way they are. But I find not many people are that way. If they do ask they are asking for other reasons and then hold it against you or feel your saying it to be mean or vindictive.

If seems that if they aren’t then they are scared and dance around things or avoid them or pick you apart and hold things against you even when they know it is not true just so in their mind they have a reason to keep you at arms length. They know they know it isn’t what it seems but they still use it. I don’t know im rambling now I know.

I just thought of it last night and this morning the way I been feeling. Of course I been thinking about it since. A fleeting thought I get stuck on. Again its like why him if that is the case and not anyone else. Why him why can’t i just feel that way about whatever random person that comes along that talks to me or tries? But again I think because we have gotten to know eachother outside of anything more than friends. Bff brought him up the other day and was talking about him. I said something about he been okay but not great and us talking. She said I think from everyone around and everyone who knows him and has known him you know him better than anyone. She said I think he opens up to you more than anyone you really are that one person that even though he fucked up is stilk there and not caused him problems, not started shit with him, not pulling him into stiff that he shouldn’t be in and tries to help him stay right and cares. She said I think he does care but he is scared and still dealing with a lot. Like I told her he is dealing with a lot amd he is scared and he has gotten away from a lot of problems and the people who causes them or helps him get into them. But a few keep popping in and he don’t need that. He needs to deal with his stuff like he has been and keep moving foward. Regardless of what is or isn’t between us we are friends and I would rather stay friends than have more and have something happen til we don’t talk at all. But I would consider more with him.

{July 11, 2018}   Finally Slept, But…..

I finally went to sleep at a decent hour, soon as I posted that last post I was a sleep. But then I had crazy dreams all night from being so stressed. I slept about 7 hours straight and another 3 or so waking up off and on. I feel like I could sleep another 12 straight if I didn’t have to go to work. When I dream like that I feel as if I hadn’t slept at all. It really sucks.

I messaged Sleeping Beauty he hasn’t said anything back. I been thinking about what he said.. You will findout. Almost seems like something is up he don’t want me to know about or something. I don’t know what. Maybe he is trying to get the truck he has there as part of the deal on my truck plus a decent amount for mine. I don’t know i had forgot he said they had a little Ranger at this lot too. I don’t know just seem odd the way he said you will find out. Find out what? I could be listing it trying to find someone else to buy it. Or calling the guy at the other lot who wanted it.

But he offered to get a hold of this guy and take care of it all. Honestly I did not want to mess with it or deal with anything to do with the truck, fixing it, selling it or anything else. So he offered to take it and handle it I let him. But I thought he handle it a little faster knowing the jam I am in. It probably wouldn’t be any faster had I done it because of all our odd work hours. I really not mad at either of them just myself and impatient. I am not use to someone else handling things and trusting they will get done properly. So that stresses me out that I am not the one doing it even though I am glad I don’t have to and he is. I know I am crazy. Its just being the one to always handle things and getting them done its hard to turn it over to someone else. Especially just a friendnor what. But I do trust him or I wouldn’t of done it.

I dreamed all night about helping someone buy a car and trying to sell mine. There was all kinds of other crazy things happening in it too. I know it is all from stress.

{June 20, 2018}   Own Worse Enemy

Yesterday while responding to a comment the fact that I am scared came up again. Over all when thinking about getting with someone and seeing where it goes I always think what if it don’t work out. And over all not really thinking abour it, it comes down to what if it don’t work out? I don’t dwell on it just a passing thought.

Tonight while reading and responding, it hit me. The thing I am scared of is myself. I am scared that I am going to mess it up. I have said this before and posted about it. But I had not really thought about it again until tonight.

It bothers me I am so worried that I am going to mess things up. I have never been that way. Never thought twice about a relationship or messing one up. I always worry that whoever I am with will decide they want better and move on or they don’t want to deal with or can’t handle all that I have going on. Or just leave for whatever reason.

It is odd to me that while I have had the thought of what if I am rejected if I decided to talk to one of these two? It really is not what is holding me back. What truely is holding me back is I am scared of myself. I am scared that they will say yes and that I am going to screw things up.

Maybe because things are different with them than guys in the past. Like father of the year, I never though it end up us together married and all that. RC I did love was in love with but always felt something was wrong. Just couldn’t figure it out. But still never worried I would mess it up. I did worry things would not work out with me and him but wasn’t sure why other than that gut feeling.

With father of the year I was never in love or loved him in a way that I do the two now. I cared about him but more as a friend. I let him and others talk me into getting married. It was okay because I cared and thought he did and was happy. I wouldn’t of ever asked for a divorce if he had not became so abusive.

With RC I loved him and his boys. He was what I was looking for in a partner. But I had no idea about his problem and we let things go to fast. We were both coming out of bad relationships and were just so happy to of found someone who loved us and was the kind of partner we wanted. When things happeded like they did it is why I took it so hard. I really do think if he had not gotten in contact with his ex we would of been okay.

I think with these two now things are different because we have not rushed into things, we know a lot about eachother. We all know what we are getting into 100% and still want it. We have taken the time to really know eachother and let that relationship and bond form. One for almost a year now and the other years now. Both look different and have formed and came about differently but they are there.

Wow the thought I just had while writing that last sentence. It is true I know them both pretty good and what I am getting into with either one. How things are between us and what they are looking for what I am looking for. I have feelings for both and know how I handle things in a relationship but I do not know how they handle things they don’t me. I know I don’t just give up if it gets hard and don’t think they do either. So in my head i feel if we are willing to work through what come our way then the only thing that could screw things up is if i were to do something. So then everything hangs on me not doing something to mess it up. That is a crazy thought to have that I am going to mess it all up.

I am going to have to work on that and figure out how to deal with that and get past it.

{November 25, 2017}   How Do You Trust Again?

How do you get that courage? How do you get to the point of trusting again? I thought I was at a point I could trust again but now I am second guessing myself a lot. I am still talking to the guy from work and I find myself questioning things a lot. I don’t feel that anything is wrong but then my mind goes is that really what he is doing, maybe he is doing this instead, why isn’t he doing this or that? I keep telling myself to take what he says at face value and not to look to much into it because he hasn’t given me a reason and that we are just friends or talking and that he is dealing with and going through a lot and that is the reason he is doing things he is. But then in my mind I am going but what if you are just making excuses for him, what if he is lying, then how are you going to look, how are you going to feel, what is going to happen?

But it isn’t only him it is friends, family, kids, strangers, I feel like I can’t trust anyone. I feel like I spend all my time questioning others and looking for their motives as to why they are doing or saying what they are, what are they getting out of it wanting out of it. Even if they really aren’t or it isn’t a big deal or matter.

Like they guy at work I have gotten so mad at him a few times for things that were said or done and I have to stop myself and think wait he isn’t so and so, that isn’t what he meant, he didn’t mean it that way. I wasn’t this way before but since being with Father of the year, dealing with my friend that did what she and RC. Seems that something always sends alarms off that’s what so and so did, that is what so and so said, that sounds like so and so.

I just keep thinking that if I don’t change this I am going to really mess things up with people that I don’t want to mess things up with. I don’t want to mess things up with my friend that I have stared talking to again. I don’t want to mess things up with the guy from work I have been talking to because I do like him as a friend if nothing else. I have caught myself say things a few times or about to say something and had to stop myself with him and others.

I hate feeling this way and always looking at people this way. I use to not be this way with people I was friends and was close to. I find myself doing it with friends I haven’t even had problems with. I just want to trust unless I have a reason not to. I don’t want to second guess everything all the time but I don’t want to be so trusting that I let to much slide and end up like I did in the past with ones that have screwed me. How do you find the balance and trust but not over trust?

{November 4, 2017}   Room For Rent

I am thinking about packing up and cleaning out the back room and renting it out. I could use the extra money it would be great but at the same time I just don’t know. I could get around $400 to $600 a month for it that would pay half or more of my rent a month. The room is big enough you could put a bed and dresser in one half and have the closet maybe a desk even depending how you set it up. The other half you could put a couch, tv, coffee/end table and have a decent set up. It is about one and half times the size of a normal bedroom. so probably about 325/400 sq ft., it also has two door that lead outside. One onto my carport and one into the back yard. So they could have their own private entrance for guest and things they wouldn’t have to bring them into the house if they didn’t want too. My big hang up is that we would have to share the kitchen, bathroom and laundry room. I could careless about the laundry room it is on the carport they don’t have to come into my house to use it. But the kitchen and bathroom they do have to come in my house to use.

That means they are in and out of my house anytime day or night and rather I am here or not. I wouldn’t have a problem with it if it was just me but I have the kids here and have to worry about them being here in the house with my kids when I am not home and at night when we are all sleeping. I do not really know anyone looking for a room to rent so I can’t very well rent it to someone I already know.

My friend thinks I should clean it up and rent it to the guy from the shop that I was talking to because he will pay and he wants out of where he is now because it isn’t what he thought it was going to be when he moved in or what he was told. He was told what he was paying would include food, bills and all that. They hardly have any food in the house if any and the lights and things are going off or about to go off and they are wanting more money to keep them on because they have spent what he gave them. She thinks I could trust him around the kids, he is good with kids, has kids of his own and likes kids. I think he is fine and there would be no problem. But I just don’t trust anyone anymore no matter what it is about. I think maybe if I found a single women or a single women with a kid then maybe that would work and be better but I don’t know that I would trust them any more or as much even. I just don’t get along with women very much.

But if I could figure out how to make this work in finding someone that I felt okay with putting back there it would be great. Because that would mean I could work part time maybe 25 hours a week and still be able to make it. I wouldn’t have to worry about working full time and going to school next term and could relax a little this term if I could get them in there in the next week or so. It is just so hard when you have kids. I had roommates a few times after moving out both times guys and had no problems. But they were friends or friends and their family that I had known forever and trusted. I would trust them now if they needed a place to stay but they don’t. We all have moved on gotten older and have families and different lives now.

My friend so make it a month to month thing or something like that, so if it don’t work out I can hopefully get them out pretty easy. But I am not worried about that really because like I told her I will sit their shit out change the locks. simple and done. If they want to fight and take me to court they can but most are not going to do that they are just going to move along. It would cost them money and time that they don’t have. They just want the place to stay until it runs out then they move on. I don’t want to get someone like that in here either. I want whoever that wants to move in to try it for a month to start then see if it is a good fit for everyone then agree to stay for the next 6 to 8 months, June however far away that is.

Just have to do a lot of thinking and figuring things out. My mom is still here but supposed to be going to my sisters house for a little bit. I think that she should be there for a few months and have her money by then. I am think I am going to tell her she can’t come back here she needs to take her money and get something else. If I rent my room out I am sure she isn’t going to want to live here with someone else here too and will not like it and have a fit or say she isn’t living here being here with someone she don’t know blah blah. But you know what that is on her because they are not anything to do with her. If she don’t like it oh well to bad then. Move on no one ask you to live here or wants her to live here anyway. If she don’t want to come back because of that or has something to say about that then that is on her not me. But I don’t care if it is on me it is no secret that I don’t want her here, don’t want to help her, or what because of the way she is. I just have to figure out how to find someone to rent the room, that I am going to be okay with.

And as far as bathrooms go I have two one in the hall and one in my room, me and the kids could share the one in my room and give whoever the one in the hall even so they wouldn’t have to really share a bathroom either. But they would still have to come into the house to use it and still have to come in to use the kitchen.

This just seems like the fastest and easiest way to fix my problem of paying the bills and having the money I need. Be able to go to school take classes at the school do another internship next semester and do online classes and work part time. I just need to figure out how to make it work just breath and find someone I can trust and pray for the best I guess. Maybe I will ask around to friends and see if anyone knows anyone that is looking.

{January 18, 2017}   18 Years of Lies Not Doing It

You know my mom talking about me not giving Little Bitty my married last name and not keeping it myself is all because she thinks I should just do like she did and I’m not doing it. My mom had me right after she turned 18. Her and my dad got married sometime that year I am not even sure when really. Then about three years later she had my brother. Well of course we all had the same last name because they were married and we have the same parents. When I was in about third grade my parents got a divorce and not long after my mom remarried and had my sister. So then her and my mom had my Step dads name never seemed odd or bothered me that we didn’t have the same name. Life goes on and after a while they got divorced too when I was around 20, but they had not lived together for years at that point. She kept his last name after the divorce again no big deal to me never thought twice about it, don’t care.

In the meantime my brother turns 18 and decides to move out and go live with my dad and my mom gets pissed. She never wanted us to live with my dad and fought it every time he would try to go to court and get us even though I wanted to live with him from the start. When I turned 18 I went to live with him and she caused a bunch of problems and I had to go back to her house in order to finish school even though I was 18. I could have fought it my dad would have fought it but it would have taken months. It was December and school was out in 4 months and I would be finished probably before it all got settled. It was really pointless to have my dad fight it then, spend money and miss work.

Well my brother goes to live with my dad and she don’t want him to so she tries everything she can to get him to come home and he won’t. By now she had pulled him from school to “homeschool” him and they weren’t even do that at that point so she couldn’t use that to get him to come home. Really if he was in school and tried it I don’t think he would have came home anyway. He would have just quit school. But I wasn’t going to do that because I think that is part of what she wanted when she pulled it with me. I was going to do something she didn’t and I was proving her wrong by doing it. Instead of trying to help and make sure I finished and got the help I needed all she ever did was tell me how I would never finish and if I did it would never be with my class. At that point the only reason I stayed in school and finished was to prove her wrong and it meant so much to my dad for me to finish.

Anyway when she couldn’t find any other way to get my brother to come home she decides to drop a bomb that no one expected. She tells him that isn’t really his dad some other guy off in some other state is. That didn’t work either and my brother still to this day is pissed at her for lying to him all these years and wonders about it. The guy that is supposed to be his dad I guess didn’t want to talk to him meet him or anything like that. She went so far as to try and get a hold of him when all this went down. I guess he has a wife and kids and things and I don’t know if they know any of this or not.

I do not know what happen how she ended up with him 2 years after her and my dad got married, I don’t know if my dad knew and decided to try and work things out, if she did this and told my dad later or what. I do know my dad knew and that everyone else in the family knew from the be gaining. I guess she didn’t tell him, didn’t go after support or anything else because she didn’t want him to be in the picture, she didn’t want him to have any rights to him or to see him and take him for visits and things if he ever came around and wanted to. Her easy out was here if you are married when you have a baby whoever your husband is goes on the birth certificate as the father and they are the father until them or someone else proves different. So by giving him my dads last name and him being on the birth certificate meant that if this other guy every came around he would have an even harder fight to see him than if no one was on it. I know nothing about this guy other than what I have put here, I don’t even know his name or anything else for that matter. My brother was told who it was but for whatever reason I was never told. I never cared I was living there at the time and I stayed out of it. I was not around when it was talked about. I was just told that isn’t his dad and that was it.

She has made the comment to me different times about Little Bitty and her dad being able to come and take her and if he wants to see her them making me let him see her and making me let him take her off to wherever it is he is living now around whoever he wants and there is nothing I could do about it. Even told me if I went after him for child support she was going to be really pissed off. Like that is supposed to make a difference to me. No one ever talks about him or brings him up other than me and my friends when we are talking or what. I do not call ex daddy to her never have. She is the one that has pushed that and we have fought about it every since I had her. Now she is older she hears the other kids call him that so she does. It makes me sick but I know why she does it. When she says something about daddy talking about him, I tell her that’s not daddy that is Father of the Year. She calls him both. The kids have said something about him being her dad or what and I have told them no he is not her dad RC is her dad. My Big Boy questions it and don’t really understand. He was little when we lived there and me and RC were together. They did not know I was pregnant until we were split up and we had moved out of there. Then Father of the Year ended up living in the playroom all that time and being around so he just thinks that is her dad I guess. I don’t think he even knows how babies are “made” really so he isn’t thinking that something had to happen between us you know. We haven’t had that talk to in depth yet. Tonight he said my oldest daughter could just have babies and be a single mom if she wanted to she didn’t need a husband or boyfriend if she didn’t want one. I ask him how she was going to have kids if she didn’t have one or the other and he said just have them. I know bad mom we should of had this talk by now probably but he is him and not on level with other kids his age. He is starting to come around to where we need to have that talk I know.

But anyway I think that my mom thinks that Ii just needed to do things like she did and never tell Little Bitty or anyone else that RC is her dad. Like she didn’t tell my brother and let everyone and him think my dad was his dad. Well everyone but family and they all kept it a secret all that time. I am shocked that none of the family let it out of the bag way before she did. But things are way different with me and Little Bitty, her dad and Father of the Year. I was not with Father of The Year had not been for almost a year at the time I met RC. We have never been back together as a couple since then and have not tried to work it out or wanted to work it out. So why would I give her his last name and let her think that is her dad? And if nothing else she has a right to know who her real dad is no matter what. It is then up to her what she wants to do with that information. If she wants to one dad try and find him and meet him fine I am all for it and will help her. If she don’t care to find him and meet him or try to that is fine too. If he comes around and wants to have a relationship with her and she is old enough to understand and wants to ok if she don’t that is ok too. If he was to come around tomorrow and want to see her meet her have a relationship with her and be a dad that would be fine too we would work on that. Because they both have the right to have that relationship if they want to. It isn’t for my mom, my ex, my friends, other family or kids to say if she can or can’t if she should or shouldn’t. It isn’t for me to say she should or shouldn’t. That is there right. Was what he done right? No is how things have been for her because of it these last 4 years right? Not at all. Do people fuck up and make mistakes? They sure do. Should they be punished for them from now on no not if they are stepping up admitting to them and trying to fix things.

But I think that is her problem she don’t want him to ever be able to come in the picture and have anything to do with her. She don’t think I should ever ask for a dime of support and she don’t think that I should ever bring him up or tell her anything about him. It pisses her off that I am not doing what she says. Thinking about it while writing this I think that is why she made it a point to bring me money the other day when they called and were out front and she seen my hair. She keeps asking if I need money or need anything. When I went to get the money she said she split what she had left with me to make sure I had money in case we needed anything she didn’t want me to not have any money. I just shrugged my shoulders at her as I was walking around the truck because I already told her I didn’t need it I had a little bit and had all that we needed. I was aggravated because I know Friday I will be hearing how she needs her money back and be wanting it out of what he gives me. I don’t have it, I have a water bill that needs paid so it don’t go off and I have rent that needs paid so it isn’t late. I don’t want to keep borrowing if I don’t have to and have to owe out. I am trying to get everything and everyone paid off so that I can get on track and start saving. Living this way cost a lot more than being able to do it without borrowing.

But I bet she is thinking that the other month I went and done anything and everything that I could think of to get the money to pay things here and take care of what I needed to. She knows that we are scrapping by to get to next month and I am trying to find a job. But that didn’t matter before, she just call and say their bills need paid, he spent money on this or that and paid this or that and gave her money back so he don’t have any and she don’t know what we are going to do. I love how she needed paid back right away when all her bills and rent are being paid she has money in her pocket but she needed paid back right away what he borrowed form her. His kids could just wait until whenever he gets it and can do without. But then the last few weeks she has been making sure whatever I tell him needs taken care of gets taken care of and that I have a little money to get gas or soap or whatever we might need. While writing this I thought I bet she is worried I will go down and file papers and go after RC for child support. I couldn’t before because even though Father of the Year is no on the birth certificate because we were married they said he was responsible and would not go after her dad at all even though no one was paying anything for her. Something was said about Father of the Year paying support when I was talking to her and she said something about him paying it on all of them or for all of them. Then she said no he is only paying for the three of them and changed the subject kind of quick. I bet then she though oh the divorce is done now she can go down and go after him and if she can’t find a job soon and make it she will to get that to help with her and what she needs. She don’t want that for anything so she is probably trying to figure every what way to make sure what needs paid here gets paid and we have a little money.

I got news for her I don’t care what she does when I get ready I will be going down and filing against him for support. He should be paying and he will be. Just like now there are things I would like to do for her that I can’t because I have to pay everything else. If I was working then I would be able to take the money he has to give me and do the things I want to do for her and let her do the things I want to. Just like if I am working or have my part to cover the bills I am able to use what Father of the Year gives me and do things for the other kids. I just haven’t went down there right now because I have had school to worry about and I am trying to decide if I want to go to child support enforcement or file through the court. Right now I think the cheapest way for me to go is through child support enforcement but at the same time I think it will take forever for them to do anything. Most people it takes years. So I could go through the court faster. But then if they want dna test and things like that I don’t have the money to get them. I think I will go to child support and see what they say then if it seems like it is going to be no help or take forever I will go to the court house and file myself. Also if I go to court they are going to set times he can see her and take her and things like that. I really don’t think he is going to but he may. If I go to child support enforcement then they are just going to set up child support and tell him to take me to court if he wants to see her. If he wants to take me to court then he has to come here and take me to court because this is where she lives. I know he isn’t going to do that.

But yeah that is her thing with all this and what she thinks I should have done and what she wants to happen. She thinks that this is all 18just no big deal just lie to her her whole life and never tell her or wait until she is over 18 and tell her. That just screams problems from then on just like her and my brother. She says she don’t know what is wrong with him but I do and I know the fact that everyone lied to him all that time and then she told him the way she did and why she did he is not happy about it. It is years later but that isn’t something that just goes away or gets better. I am not going to ruin my relationship with my kid over one lie that there is no reason to tell to start with. If it was me and I was told that I would not want a relationship with that person anymore or feel I could trust them or that they had my best interest in mind or anything else ever again. That would be one of them things for me would be a your cut off out of my life from now on from here on out no going back. I don’t care what your reason is for it or how sorry you are now. I can see Little Bitty being the same way when she is older she is to much like me and her dad and we are both the same way.

Let me just say I know that blood don’t mean anything when it comes to being a parent or not being a parent. My dad took care of my brother just as if he was his and just the same as he did me. He did not have to do that but he did he was a father not by blood but by choice. That is fine but my brother still had a right to know. If me and Father of the Year had tried to work things out and gotten back together and things worked out and he raised and took care of Little Bitty as his own that would have been fine as well. But she still would have had a right to know the truth long before she was 18 or older. Just as if I ever get with someone and we end up together from now on and if they were to become that father figure to her she will still know the truth. Because again it is her right to know and it is better to be honest with her from the be gaining than lie for years and then tell her. I am not saying in any way it is wrong for someone else to take on a child that is no their own and raise it as their own, I know a lot of guys who have and a lot of women who have and it is a great thing when they can have that bond with that child. But it is important that child knows the same truth everyone else knows not live a lie all their life and then find out. Because no matter how much that child loves that other person and that relationship between them may not change, it changes things in that child and for that child and it affects them the rest of their life. Knowing their other parent isn’t in the picture and not knowing them or only meeting them will have an effect on that child as well but that child has all their life growing up to process that and deal with that and to figure that out along with your help if need be. once they are an adult and they find this out your relationship with them has been forever changed rather they admit it to you or not and now they are dealing with that and the in formation you just dumped on them. and now they are doing it on their own. I also think that this is part of the reason my brother drank the way he did for a while there. Because it was right after he found that out he started and he was out of control for a while. Again I don’t wan that with and for my child.

{November 11, 2016}   You either Trust or You Don’t

How can you be in a relationship with someone that you do not trust? I don’t know for everyone else but for me trust is like one of the biggest things to me if not the biggest. I can’t just trust you in some areas and not others. I have to trust you 100% or I can’t have a relationship more than friends with you.

I have friends who do not trust their other half to do things without them. Like the other weekend when me and my friend went out, I asked another friend to go with us. She told me she couldn’t because it would break her “rule” and she didn’t want to break it or then her husband would or could.

I was a little confused, she said that she don’t want him going out alone or with his friends because she is scared he will cheat on her. So she has a rule that if they go out they have to go out together.

Me and her can go out to lunch, shopping, or anything else. But we can’t have a girls night out and go have drinks or go to a bar or two like me and my other friend did. Because if he did he might cheat.

I understand that he cheated in the past and it was when he went out and left her at home. But that has been forever ago and they were both into a lot of things and different people back then. Their life then is nothing like it is now. They both have over come a lot and have done a 180 in life.

I could never stay with someone who cheated on me, it is a deal breaker. For me trust is hard for me to give to that degree and very few people get it. If I have chosen to trust you to that extent and you break it then it can’t be regained.

That is the main thing that happen with me and Father of the Year. He broke the trust and since he did that no matter what I did or tried I do not feel I can trust him again. Not to the degree to have a intimate relationship. Really not much of any kind of relationship other than being civil to each other for the sake of the kids. It was like an instant thing when he did it and hit happen.

I understand her hubby cheated but to me if you agree to stay together then you have forgiven and trust again. Maybe not right away but 10 years later if you do not trust them have you really forgiven? Do you really have a relationship? If you only trust them to go work and come home?

He goes fishing sometimes but then she gets upset if he don’t answer his phone or a few times he has come home and left his phone at work and she was mad. Why he needed to leave his phone at work, what was he hiding and things. Really he just forgot it because he can’t keep it in his pocket all the time.

I really don’t know what to say to her when she says she can’t break her rule and go because then he can if he wants and she don’t want him to. Or she gets all mad because he forgot his phone at work, or can’t get a hold of him for a few minutes why he is fishing or at the store. Because I could not live that way. I have made the comment that if I don’t know how she lives like that if I don’t trust who I’m with I’m not with them. She just say’s your single or if you were married you would understand. I told her I went out when I was married it didn’t stop me. Because we both knew who we were with and were happy and weren’t worried about the other looking for someone else. He went out if he wanted to, I didn’t care. Neither one of us went out very often with friends without the other because we liked going together and spending the time together. But if we wanted to go with friends wasn’t a big deal.

I understand wanting to go with the other and spend the time together or liking to go together, but when the other isn’t around to go because of work or what then that isn’t an excuse. Like the other week when we went out she said if her hubby was off to go they would love to go out with us but he had to work. I didn’t say anything. She knows that I don’t get out often at all so I have to go when I can. I didn’t say it to her but sometimes I want to go out with just the girls and not have the guys tag alone. It gives us a chance to talk and just relax.

Me and my friend stopped by her house at like 2 am when things closed, before we went home. She was so thrilled we stopped by and had been sitting there depressed all night because everyone she knew was out or at parties and she was sitting home alone all night, while he worked. He didn’t get home until after 5 am. She would have been home long before he got home so that wasn’t a problem either. Just that she don’t trust him and she would rather sit there depressed and miserable all night alone.

I just couldn’t live that way. It’s like if you do not have full trust in someone then how can you have a relationship if you want to. You have to stop and think about everything you want to do or they might want to do and decide if you trust them to do it or not then give them permission to do it or lay down rules like a parent. I don’t want to feel like someone’s parent I want to feel like an equal.

In relationships in the past it has never been one asking the other if they could do something or telling them they can’t. If we wanted to go out with friends we would check with the other to make sure there wasn’t something else going on and it worked for both of us. If we didn’t like something the other done then we talked about it with them and let them know why. Sometimes the other would agree not to do what ever it was again, other times they may say well I understand how you feel but I can’t say I won’t do it again because of this that and the other and then a happy middle would be found or the other would just have to understand that this is how it was. But most times a happy middle was found or it just wasn’t done again.

That is how a relationship should be not a rules and permission kind of thing.

et cetera
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