Why is it when you are trying to be responsible and do the right thing all you run into are road blocks? But if you are being careless or just don’t care everything seems to be handed to you? I guess I just need to go pop out a 5th kid and hell why stop there at that point.

I have been trying for a few weeks to get information on getting my tubes tied and getting it set up and done. This is a big step for me as a lot of you know from reading my other post it was never an option I would consider in the past. My sister almost died having hers done and then I know someone else who has life long injuries from having it done. But now being a single mom with 4 kids who knows beyond a shadow a doubt that she is done and don’t want the chance of a ops or for the option to even be open for discussion when I start dating I decided this is what would make me feel best in the end.

I called one place they said they call me back that was weeks ago never heard from them. They were checking on somethings. I got a call from my doctors office saying that it was time for my yearly check up and exam. I figured I go get it done and talk to them about it. I told them on the phone I wanted to know about getting it done as well they said okay. I go all they can say is we can send you to a gyn to get it done. I called a ton and they say they do not take my insurance unless I am pregnant. I called the insurance company when I left there and all the ones they could give me for my area were 2 hours or more away from me, not my area. I decided to go to the health department and ask because I was told they do birth controlling and things for free. I got it there the first time I got it but didn’t want my tubes tied. I had talked to them about it in the past so knew they did it. The first thing she ask is if I had insurance and when I told her yes she looked and said we do not take that we can’t help you. She game me a list of the ones they do take and they are the ones most no where in our area take so then if I change I couldn’t see my other doctors. If I change just to get it done it will take forever to get it straight to get it to the other and be able to see my doctors again. The lady at the desk even said if you like your insurance and already have doctors and things I wouldn’t change to one of these. They know they aren’t that great and no where takes them and how hard it is to get back with the other.

I can’t drive hours away to go see this doctor set things up have it done go back for follow up. I won’t be able to drive I have no one to drive me and I have to be here to get the kids two and from school I would’t be able to going back and forth like that. But it gets me I know they do them at the health department and if I didn’t have insurance I would have no problem, they be bending over backwards to help me get it done. Or if I was pregnant and wanted to have it done when I had the baby they would do it with no problem. But since I am not pregnant and don’t have insurance they take they won’t touch me. It isn’t like I have some super great insruance or a ton of money so just pay for it. I have insruance through the state because I am a student and have 4 kids already and a single parent.

You would think out of all people they would want to help do something like this it would be the single mom with kids they are already helping so that she don’t have more if she is trying to avoid it and better her life for her and the kids she already has. But nope they just say find a doctor who will see you and if you can’t I don’t know what to tell you.

The grandma that has her granddaughter and has her in school where my kids go sent me the name and number to one that she says takes my insurance and are taking people that are not pregnant. I hope she is right. I am going to call them first thing tomorrow. She said they are going to see her granddaughter and she isn’t. They are my last hope.

The more I have to search and try to find someone who will do it the more I feel that maybe not having it done wasn’t such a bad idea after all and that this is a sign that it is a bad idea. I keep telling myself it isn’t true but these are the thoughts I keep having.

{March 28, 2015}   Let God Decide

I was at the home school play date Thursday and there was two other families there. One I met when I started looking at homeschooling and has helped me with things when I have questions or trying to figure things out. She has two or three daughters two I think. She only has the one at home that I have met why I’m not sure. There was another woman there with some of her kids she has 7 all together. We were walking the trail on one with the one little girl was holding my little bitty she said she wanted more but couldn’t have them or it would be hard to have one because of health problems she had and her age. I said I was 100% sure I am done. The woman with 7 kids said what if I met someone and decided to get married again or what and they wanted kids. I said I didn’t want to take that chance again after everything I had been through with father of the year and RC. She said like most do you know you never know you may change your mind and things. To just leave it in gods hands and he would give me what I was meant to have.

Now it has me thinking. I always for as long as I could remember wanted 4 kids. When father of the year lost his job right after we bought our house and didn’t find one for so long I decided that 2 was ok. Then along came my Little guy and I figured I had 3 I would have a 4 once things settled and I met someone else. I knew I was not having any more kids with father of the year. I don’t remember even being with him when I got pregnant with my little guy. Things were so bad then between us. I had not planed on having my little bitty when I did. I did not want to have a baby at that time at all. It was the last thing I was thinking about doing when I got with RC. But it happen and I love her to death and wouldn’t change it. But I wanted to wait until we been together for a little while and then think about it. But anyway we all know how that ended up. If not just read the back post over the last what 2 or 3 years.

I have said sense I had my little bitty that if I met someone who didn’t have kids that wanted them it wouldn’t work between us because I don’t want to have any more. That is one of the first things I want to know if I am going to start talking to someone. No since in getting into something when we want two different things. But then talking to her or not even talking but that little comment in a passing conversation has me thinking. Am I wrong for not wanting any more? Is it wrong to not want to get with someone who wants kids or more kids? Am I just passing over a group of guys that maybe Mr. Right is in because of this? Are we really meant to leave it to god and let him decide how many kids we have? I am going to have to research that. I don’t agree with these girls or guys that have a bunch of different kids by a bunch of different people. But if I really met someone and decided to remarry or make some thing to them is it wrong to not want any more kids? I looking at it as I can get with this person and we can say ok we love each other and want to spend the rest of our life together or even get married and still end up not being together in 4 or 5 years or 10 years done the road. I marred father of the year and that was supposed to be it for life and look where we are. Then we have RC who everything was wonderful he wanted me to adopt his kids and all this and then few days later he is done. There is no 100% someone is going to stay even if you are 100% committed to the relationship. I don’t want to put another child thought that. Another reason I don’t know that I want to even live together or for my kids to even know I am seeing someone and to meet them. I don’t want them to get use to someone being there like they did with RC and then they up and leave or what.

I was set one starting to check out forms of permanent birth control here soon. I had already been looking at a few and was going to start researching what would be best for me. That is huge because I always said I wouldn’t do that because of the risk of getting my tubes tied but they have other things now so I figured I would check that out. Just to make sure there are no accidents or scares and to put my mind at easy with everything. Then it couldn’t be a topic of conversation up for debate when I met someone because I couldn’t have any more. I would love to do foster care or adopt. But it is also something I would look at on my own not because I had someone in my life or because someone else wanted it. I think I am going to have to really think about this and what I really want. I fell that if I was so sure that I wanted to do this then why has her comment made me think twice about things? Why do I keep thinking about it and not as 100% sure about my decision to look into birth control. I could do a birth control that isn’t permanent but I have tried different ones in the past and they didn’t work for me. I was always sick and moody and I got pregnant with my first on birth control.

I just don’t know why this is bothering me so much.

et cetera
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