{December 2, 2018}   Just Keep Her Comfortable

This last week the one owner and his dad Pop’s have not been there. Pop’s wife was supposed to be taken to the cancer center or hospital over across the state this last week. I was glade the owner was with them because the dad is very confused about things.

Then the other owner came in a few times and helped or just to check in. From what I gathered she was still at the hospital in town not far from the shop. She went in the day before Thanksgiving. I am not 100% sure but what I am thinking.

Friday the guys came in one thats been there this week got there first he just went to work. The other one came in they talked back and forth a second the first one that came in said bye i said bye. The other said HI, BYE as he popped his head around the corner. I said good morning bye guys have a good day. They left and I didn’t hear from them the rest of the day.

Later it was just about time for me to leave and I thought I haven’t been paid, it’s Friday. I started to call one of them but figured I would just wait they were probably on their way and walk in any minute or call to make arrangements to pay me. In a little bit the one that hasn’t been there and a guy came in. They came into the shop before you get to my office. I had some questions and a few things to tell him. I waited until they weren’t really talking and called out to him got up to walk out there. I didn’t see him on tv I turned came around he was there handed me money. He said I’m so sorry I forgot it was Friday and forgot about paying you. I smiled said its alright I’m here until 5 either way. I figured you would be back or get a hold of me. He looked surprised I wasn’t mad. I needed it but could have worked it out until Monday or met them later when they got back in town. Its been a stressfull week a lot going on.

I asked him something about setting up their calls he said things should be closer or pretty much back to normal him there come Monday. He said they finally got his mom home the day before or that day.

I said oh good did they take it out or just do the biopsy so far? He said they can’t take it out at this point all they can do is make her comfortable.

I was floored, I didn’t know what to say to him. I said I’m so sorry, I said it is such a hard thing to go through and deal with. I said we went through it with my grandpa and seen a friend of the family go through it. He said really? I said yeah it’s hard and sad, I’m sorry. He was messing with something on the desk he put it down said have a good weekend see you Monday. I just said see you monday. He left, i locked up shut stuff down did my drop and left.

I feel so bad for them. I don’t know what to say or do. I don’t look for Pop’s to be back in for a while. Maybe at all, if so probably once in awhile here and there. This is hard really hard on him and if something happens it is going to devastate him. I don’t know if he be in any shape to come back. If so not for awhile.

{August 4, 2015}   At a Lost For Words

The last few days have been unproductive because I have been in so much pain and not feeling good at all. Let me start by saying the last 6 months or more I have had a lot of pain in my lower abdomen, mostly if I bend over sit to long and get up or if one of the kids hug me to hard or lean on me. It will double me over at times when touched. I have next to no insurance and have a horrible time finding a doctor that takes it and if I do I have to wait for 3 or 4 hours to be seen even with an appointment so I just don’t go.

On Sunday evening I went to drop the rent check in the drop box at the office so they would have it when they opened Monday. I got half way there and got so sick and was in so much pain I didn’t even know if I was going to make it home. I felt like I was going to be sick and the pain was as bad or worse than lobar pain. I finally made it home, the sick feeling eased off but the pain was still there. I was able to lay down and sleep so that is what I did. I could have father of the year sit with the kids but had no one to drive me to the hospital I didn’t want to drag the kids in and out to take me pick me up.

Last night I still didn’t feel good and the pain would easy up then get bad again so I had him sit with the kids and took myself. Of course when I got in there they thought it was my appendix so they wanted to do a scan and all that. They gave me this huge cup of stuff to drink to make everything show up better then injected other stuff into my IV and did about 8 scans in the cat scan machine.

They came back and said it wasn’t my appendix at all it looked great. I was happy but not ready for what she told me next. She said they found a tumor in my uterus. She said you can get cyst and fibroids but this is’t like that it is a tumor. But only about 1% end up being cancer or turning into cancer. But you need to follow up for more testing to make sure. But then when I left they put on my paper work that it was a fibroid so I have no idea what is in my uterus.

Then she said your bladder’s outer walls are thickening. She wouldn’t go into much detail and kind of just said it was like that and went on. Where with the uterus she talked about how it wasn’t to much of a risk of cancer and things. Looking it up it don’t look like its good at all.

She did say I have a UTI but when they did my blood count and all that it all showed great and no bad infection. She said she didn’t think I have had it very long and din’t seem to think it was from that.

Now I don’t know what to think since the told me one thing and put something else on the paper about the uterus. I’m worried about all of it seeing as my family has a history of cancer. My grandpa had it all over his body and in his bones when he past. Then with my dad finding out it spreading so quick and him passing so fast. I have to find doctors to see me and hope they can get me in right away because of the way my medical coverage is. I am really just at a loss for words right now.

{February 2, 2015}   Less and Less Time

Seems like every time I go to see my dad I get to spend less and less time with him. We got there just before one today and was leaving to come home a little after one thirty.

We went in and he was eating lunch. He had a sandwich and a pudding cup. He was trying to eat it but having a hard time. I ask him if he wanted help he gave it to me to feed him. When he was done he laid back down I got rid of the trash and things. I sat there on the floor by his bed and held his hand talk to him some. I could tell he was just so tired. He closed his eyes and seem to be resting peacefully for a few minutes there. My brothers wife and daughter was home and they were doing stuff making noise and things. He wake up look, he looked like it startled him a few times. I asked him if he wanted us to go and let him rest and he shook his head yes. The kids came in and gave him hugs and things. I hugged him told him the boys have appointments the next few days I didn’t know if I would get back there before Thursday to have them call me if he needed me or anything. I may get back tomorrow but I really didn’t know if I would or not.

We have therapy tomorrow will take about 2 hours mid afternoon. The time we have to leave to get there the time we get out the afternoon is pretty much gone it’s dinner time. Then Wednesday they have two hours it’s the same way we have to be here by 1/1:30 so they can get drink go to the bathroom get snack if we been out. Then they do therapy until 4:15. I got home found a card they all are supposed to see the doctor again Thursday at 3:30 and we go back to Nemores for my little guys arm Friday. Hope he gets his cast off and the pins out. We probably won’t be back this way until later either but we will probably still stop and see him because I know he will want to show papa he got it off if he dose.

I try not to go to late in the day because I know he gets tired easy and by dinner time he is ready to just sleep. We didn’t get to go for a walk today. It started raining when we got there. My brother said something about when he was done with his lunch to take him outside if he wanted to go. I told him we couldn’t go for a walk but we could go sit on the porch if he wanted to but he didn’t. I don’t know if he just wasn’t feeling up to it or if he just didn’t want the hassle of the chair and putting it in and out really. I think he was just really tired. He just seemed so wiped out and he hadn’t done anything but eat and things. Said he had a hard time last night with dinner. Not so much stuff getting sick and keeping his food down as there is stuff in his lungs. He gets choked up from coughing and things. They also think he is bleeding inside from the tumor again. There isn’t really anything they can do. The doctor the other week said he was glad he wasn’t and was surprised but that it could start again. They could give him the blood transfusion but he don’t want it and I don’t know really how many they can give you or if it would really make much of a difference. If he is losing it like they are saying. I have to think he isn’t losing it to horribly fast or I would think something would have happen. But I don’t know all we can do is go be with him as much as we can.

{January 26, 2015}   Going Home

My dad is going out of the hospice house sometime between now and 12 so that he can go to the doctor. He is happy to be getting out but not to thrilled about going to the doctor. He said it is a waste of time but he is going to go anyway. He told me last night they think that this has went to his kidney. The said the day before the tumor is seems to be larger than than a few weeks ago so it seems to be pretty fast growing. My brother says they didn’t check the lung or the liver to see if it was cancer but I don’t know. They told me they did.

I have to go to the SSI office because the mail man has been horrible the last two months. I have been getting everyone’s mail buy my own. Thursday I got a letter saying they needed me to come in the office to talk to them about a paper I was supposed to have gotten and turned in to them in December. I don’t have the letter. The letter I got Thursday says I need to be there by the 15 and I got it on 22 nd. It was mailed out the 5 th so it has been floating around and around to who knows where until I got it. I said something over a month about about getting everyone else mail and the mail late the guy said oh you have a different mail man yours will be back in a few days or something. But we had a different one a while. I am not sure who we have now because I am not able to sit here and watch for them.

I have to go there take my big boy to therapy and then I guess go up there to see my dad. I don’t know if he has said anything to my brother yet about what we talked about the other night. I really hope he don’t until Wednesday. Then he can just give me what he wants me to have if he still wants to do it that way and I will take it home. There won’t be any fight why it is going on. If he gets mad about it later he won’t fight with my dad about it he will come to me and at least my dad won’t have to deal with it unless he says he don’t want me there any more. In that case I will probably have to go get my dad and bring him here. I need to work on getting this place all put together before then so in case we end up doing that. Because I don’t put it past my brother to call someone to come check my place out and try to keep him from being here. Or start with me over my kids. I’m not really worried about it because it because they aren’t going to do anything if they come say the call is unfounded like before but they have changed way they do things soI don’t know if they will close it right a way or if they will have to keep coming and checking before they can. I have nothing to hide I just don’t feel like having to deal with them. I got to get going get to the ssi office and hope I don’t have to sit there for hours with all three of the kids. I wanted to get out in time to go see my dad but He goes to the doctor at 1. By the time he got home I would have to leave to have the kids to their appointment by 5. I may just call and go up tomorrow. I feel bad he wanted me to come back up last night a while but I couldn’t because my little guy started that his broken arm was hurting him and we were trying to decide if we had to take him to the er. They said if he started having pain we needed to bring him back in. But I think he just tired and not feeling good over all and stressed. I needed to keep a eye on him make sure he didn’t seem like he needed to go so time through the night. Something is wrong with the van we got home last night and the break lights wouldn’t go off.

{January 2, 2015}   Not At All What I Was Expecting

I called my dads cell phone earlier and his friend answered so I talked to her she said she was going to be there for a little while. I told her I was going to feed the kids and come up then since she was there. I figured I would let them have time and this way everyone wasn’t there at once and then just leave him sit alone the rest of the day. I debated for a while on rather or not to take the kids up with me. After we got done eating I told them to get ready and took them. I figured it would brighten his day and I did’t figure he would be getting to go home any time soon. Probably not until at least Monday. Father of the year is off so I could have him go with us and he could take them out why we talked to doctors or if they got to rout y so I could talk to my dad and see him.

We got in his room the kids went over said hi and gave him a hug. I walked over gave him a hug. I turned around and the doctor was standing there. I hadn’t even stop and ask them to call her or anything. She wasn’t around when I came up and came by the nurses station and things. I think they seen me come up and called her to come in and talk with me. She looked at my dad and said I hear your ready to get out of here and go home. He said yes. She told him ok that it would take about 3 or 4 hours probably. I was surprised because they have done any and every test on him they can do and some of them I think they did twice just on different parts of the body. They have checked him from head to toe.

I told the kids to stay in the room with them and went in the hall to talk to the doctor. As we went out she said something about you know he is checking himself out and going home. I said no I didn’t and was going to say we weren’t taking him home he was going to stay there and do what they needed to do or wanted him to do for test and things. She said I they haven’t told you what all we talked about earlier and everything and asked if I had any questions. I told her no that I had just walked in and had not talk to anyone yet. I asked her if it was ok for him to go home. She said that is what he wanted and that they had talked about it in detail and things earlier.

She said went over how they found the thing on the lung, the things on the liver and the tumor in his stomach. Then she said that talking to the new doctor they brought on board after finding the stuff in the stomach and things they pretty much know that it is cancer. I guess by the way it looked on the test and the fact it is all over like it is. She then proceeded to say he isn’t treatable. She said that they could do some light chemo maybe some radiation. She said but it won’t treat it or get rid of it. It’s just to make him conformable. But then you have the side effects of the chemo so how conformable is he really going to be? She said they are going to send him home with hospice care. She said they would come in and help take care of him and make him comfortable. I asked her something and she started telling me hospice isn’t there something what they come in and do and things like that. I told her I knew that. I’ve been through it to many times before. Just not with my dad!!!!

Hospice care is not what I expected at all. I knew that he was sick and that is was more then likely cancer but I didn’t think that we were anywhere near ready for hospice yet. I knew it was going to be bad but I didn’t think it was this bad yet. I don’t know how I feel when she told me I couldn’t even go back in my dads room. I went back to the truck and tried to call my friend J. She didn’t have her phone her husband did so I couldn’t talk to her I called my mom and talk to her for a little bit and went back up.

I had father of the year take the kids to get a drink and stayed with my dad. We talked a little bit but not really about anything. He said he didn’t want to have the blood transfusion, chemo, to be on a feeding tube, put on a vent, i.v or anything else like that. He said he talked to them this morning (well yesterday morning now it’s after midnight now) he signed the paperwork to be cremated, the dnr paperwork and all that. Hospice is going to come in once a week right now and check on him. They said they would come help him bath and things but he said he don’t need them to do that right now. But they will come more often if and when he decides he needs them to.

He started telling me I was to get all his knifes and all his coins but that my brother was to get all his guns. He said I don’t know what to do with his van he bought. He said I guess it should go to you as well. The van really isn’t in bad shape but it dose need a few things. I really need something bigger than it but it wouldn’t be bad to have to run around in now and then or if something happen and my truck was to break down. I am really not to worried about it because I know that no matter what my dad says my brother will probably keep all the coins or go through them and keep anything that is worth anything. My friend J saying I need to have him make a will so that everything gets done the way he wants it to. But I’m not even going to bring it up to him. If he has one or dose one then that is fine but I’m not going to ask him to do one. I would like to have a few things of course but you know if he gives them to me when something happens fine if not it is on him what he dose. I’m not trying to get his stuff or just around to see what I can get. I just want to see him and spend as much time as I can with him. I like to have the stuff to give to my kids later when they are older so they have something of their grandpa’s that’s it. The coin collection is something me and him use to do together when I was small. I would get him some here and there and he has gotten a lot over the years even after I stopped really messing with it. It’s a fun hobby but it is a costly one.

I feel like I am walking around in a fog and I don’t know if or when it is going to lift. I bounce from just being here and doing what has to be done and trying to handle the kids and take care of them to breaking down. The kids haven’t been to bad but everything is just getting to me right now. I have to come up with a balance to handle it all and coping. I have to say this is up there with how I would feel if I losing one of my kids. My dad is the one person I am the closes to other than my kids. He is the one person that I can go to and talk to and he isn’t going to tell me what to do or what I should do or that what I am doing is wrong. He may or may not tell me what he thinks or how he feels about it other than that he just listens and lets me figure out what to do. He don’t try to tell me how to live my life take care of the kids or nothing else and he has helped me more than anyone. I don’t know what I am going to do when something happens to him.

I already told father of the year he needs to go to work tomorrow and tell them no matter what is going on how many calls they have that he needs to talk to them about something before he starts work. That he needs to tell them what is going on and that he could have to take time off here and there and that if and when something happens he is going to have to come home as soon as he is gotten a hold of. I figure they are going to say well we aren’t together and it’s my family and things. But like I told him if they do he needs to tell them that, that is his kids grandfather and my dad and that I am going to have stuff to take care of and he is going to be here for them not dump them with a sitter or something. I know I am not going to be in any shape to take care of my self much less anything else. He said he was going to we shall see. It will prbably be like everything else he will not bring it up until it happens and then he will just keep working like nothing is going on and tell me sorry I couldn’t get off. Tell the kids sorry I will be there when I can get there I have to work.

I am going to get off here try to get some sleep and stop rambling again. I am doing whatever right now to keep my mind on other things I keep going from just being here and trying to function to breaking down. I don’t want to keep breaking down and trying not to let the kids see me.

The year sure ended with one hell of a bang, Not one that anyone wanted to be a part of or will forget any time soon. December 31, 2013 will never be forgotten. I will forever remember where I was what I was doing and what I did. I’m sure the next few weeks, months will be the same. Forever burnt into my mind and heart, and end up being one of the worse and hardest times I have had to deal with so far in life.

My mom called me at about 11:30 yesterday morning and said that my dad had been taken to the hospital and they were keeping him. My brother again wouldn’t call and tell me or tell me anything that was going on. He called her at 9:30am but she fell back to sleep and just got up remembered and called me.

I got ready and headed up there to see him and what was going on. I was almost half way there and my brother decided that maybe he should call me for whatever reason. He then tells me that he hadn’t just gotten taken up there like I thought he had. He tells me they went last night and had been there over night. They were doing test and getting him a room and things.

He tells me they have done a tone of test over night and that he was lined up to do a bunch more through the morning. If there was a test they could do they were doing it pretty much. He said he been up there the last hour and they still didn’t have him in his room. They told him it would be another 3 or 4 hours before they would have him in his room again.

He then tells me that they said there was a nodule on or in the lung and that it had changed since they seen it before so now they are worried about it unlike before. They found 5 legends on his liver. He came over Christmas day and he got sick said he wasn’t feeling good we thought he had this stomach bug going around. He said he went in and was talking to him the night before and he said he thought he needed to go to the doctor. He never goes to the doctors. Then he told him he hadn’t been able to keep anything down for days. He said he been getting dinner he told him he been throwing it a way or feeding it to the dog. So they went to the hospital. They were thinking his gallbladder. But they needed to check the other they found and look at it and see.

I stopped at my friend J’s since he said he wasn’t in his room and wouldn’t be back for a while. I talked to her and called up there. They said he just got done with testing and should be back in a little bit. We rode up there. The nurse practitioner came in after a while and talked with us.

She preceded to tell me what they found on the lung and the liver. Then she dropped the bomb that was not expecting to hear. She said he has a 5 cm or about 2 inch tumor in his stomach and that is why he hasn’t been able to keep stuff down. She said they aren’t able to remove it that it would be a very involved surgery that he isn’t able to go through. I already knew that before she said it. They really didn’t want to do the surgery to remove the cancer off his face 4 years ago and told us he may not wake up from being put under. Because of his lungs and a vent really isn’t a option either because he wouldn’t be able to come off of it after. She said they had him set up to do another scan I forget if it was a cat or mri in a little bit he had to drink the contrast so they could do it. She said they are looking at the pelvis area to see if there is anything in that area now that they have checked everywhere else. She said they really couldn’t tell us much more until the biopsies came back and they did this test to see if they find anything else. So now we just sit and wait. She said the doctor was talking about going in and putting a stint in to open the G.I track so that he could keep stuff down. I guess where the tumor is blocking since they can’t take it out.

He is so mesireable and just wants to come home. He was laying there in his jeans and hospital gown. He has lost so much weight and is so cold. He said he ask my brother to bring him some stuff and he didn’t bring the right stuff. He brought him some shirt he couldn’t wear because of the i.v’s and things. I told him I had to go but I would come up later that night. Me and my friend J went to the store and got him a nice warm pair of sweat pants and some stuff. I took it back up to him and talk to him for a little bit longer. By then it was dinner time and he was getting ready to go for his test. I told him I was going to come take care of the kids and that I would come up today and see him. I feel bad it is almost 11:30 and I haven’t been back up yet but I called a little while a go and his friend was up there she said she was going to be there for a while sitting with him and things. I figured I would wait a little while until she left. That way we all weren’t there at once and leave and he is just sitting there all day alone.

They told me there was always a doctor to talk to when I came up to just let the nurse know and they would page them to come in when I got there. I was asking the doctor yesterday when she would be back in to talk to him about the test they did last night and when her rounds were. I told her I have 4 kids at home but I need to be there to see him and be with him when she was there. Thats when she told me her or the other doctor one or the other would be there to just have them call.

His blood is also very low, I’m not sure what the number range is but they said that at 7 they start giving you blood and his was a 7.6. He is very adamant that he dose not want blood and he dose not give blood. He says he dose not believe in it and you can pick up germs that way. I just asked the doctor about it and that this is where he is this is what you all do and he don’t want it so then what. She said there really isn’t a lot they can do they just give him floods and things and watch him if he don’t want it try to help the body make it on it’s own basically I guess.

My brother is having a fit about that and him not wanting the blood and me not pushing him to get the blood. I don’t blame him and can’t say I would take it if I needed it either. I don’t know what I would do because I have not been put in that situation. But I have read about it and know that even before when they were supposed to do testing they didn’t and I can’t say that even thought it is years later I find it hard to trust they still do all the testing and things that need or are supposed to be done. So I can’t tell him it is safe and things and oh just do it I would. Because I really don’t know if I would or not.

He act to me like he seems to think that if daddy gets the blood he would be able to have the surgery for his stomach. I told him that wasn’t the case that he couldn’t because of his lungs. He says no his lungs are fine and he came out of it last time just fine. But it has been over 4 years since the last one he didn’t have this thing on his lung and it hadn’t changed. He is in denial of what they are really telling us I think. They said even at this point chemo and radiation probably wouldn’t be a option. But like they said we have to find out what we are really dealing with before we can really say what his options are. We don’t know what options we need to be talking about or eliminating because we don’t know what we are dealing with. We all know more than likely cancer but we can’t say for sure. Until we do we aren’t doing anyone any good by talking about what we can or can’t do. Who knows what may change between know and when they get the test back. He could get stronger and even though we know that surgery isn’t going to be able to be put out there as one if needed chemo and things could be. I would rather wait until we know what we are dealing with before we talk about all of it.

I don’t know what they are going to find but I pray that whatever it is this dose not turn into a long drawn out miserable thing for him. Be it is something they can help him or something they can’t. I don’t want them to say they are helping him and it just be him laying in a bed unable to do anything because I know that he don’t want to be that way. He don’t want everyone to have to take care of him and things like that and it drives him crazy to not be able to get up and do things. I hope that if they can’t that he is still able to get around and do what he wants for as long as possible and that if he can’t it isn’t a long time.

I don’t know how I feel right now other than just numb. I feel myself shift to just get through it mode and not feeling anything. Me and my dad have always been so close I can’t stand seeing him going through this or going through it with him. The thought of maybe loosing him kills me. I don’t know what I would do if I lost him. I was sitting here last night thinking about it and my kids my older 3 know him my older two will remember him my baby girl hasn’t had the chance to get to know him or remember him. My little man may remember him but I don’t know for how long. It just seems so unfair. Then I feel bad for bad for feeling that way. I look at my facebook page and see my friend and her kids who lost their dad a few years ago to cancer. I have had my dad for 34 years. They are just kids and lost theirs and growing up without him. At lest my older three have their dad. But who don’t think these things at a time like this?

I better get off here and get ready. It’s been a little bit since I called up there. I got to eat and get ready. I dread going up there, I dread the new news, seeing him there like this, knowing what he is going through, dread leaving him there when he is asking me to take him home, dread knowing he is there or he is there alone. I just want to go sit with him I could all day until they through me out but I have so much to do with the kids and things as well. I feel bad for not being there and spending as much time as I can with him. I feel myself trying to shut down and go back to just go through the motions get things done mode. But I can’t I can’t remove my self and just go through the motions and get it done this time. No matter how much I want to even.

et cetera
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