The last week or more I have walked around feeling nothing or dead inside. Knowing things are wrong or not right or even good and just not caring either way and not feeling anything either way. Then all of a sudden Wednesday night yesterday something shifted or swung in another direction and I am all over the place. One minute I’m angry and mad, the next I am in tears feel like everything is spiraling out of control and a mess or that I have dropped the ball and can’t catch it.

I know I am getting things caught up and better off than I was a couple years ago and even a few months ago. But like I said before it don’t get better it just changes. I have the job and money things down and some how making it work I guess.

But now I have the problem with the kids Little Bitty is really having problems with me not being there much. I have never had to leave my kids so much and work so much when my kids were that little. I feel horrible the summer is almost over I haven’t gotten to do anything with them. I have worked. I wanted to take a trip or two when I got this truck and now this shit happen. It is going to cost me more money that i really don’t have with all the work I have missed.

I have to go to the ssi office and deal with them because I haven’t and I know I should of by now. It is just one more thing to do. My to do list is just seems to keep piling up and up. I just don’t feel like it or have to take yet more time off work to take care of it. I haven’t taken myself back to the doctor like I need to, I haven’t gotten other things I need done taken care of. I just don’t know how to find that balance or if I will.

I feel like the closer I get to getting ahead and making things better I just making things worse in other ways. I sit here and think I just want to quit my jobs go home be with my babies. Figure everything out there. Then I tell myself I have to work so that they can have a roof over their head, electric, water, food, you know the basics that no one else cares if they have or not or offers to provide for them or help provide for them. of course that snowballs into thinking about all that and them and how they aren’t doing anything at all but that I am the one catching shit from everyone else because things aren’t up to their standards or because I am working to much and because I am not getting things back on track in the order or how they think I should be or taking care of the kids the way they should be. But no one bats and eye or says a word to the fucking deadbeats that do nothing. How about hunt them down tell them what a horrible parent they are, how they don’t love their kids, or care how they live or what they do or don’t have. How the only one there doing anything for them can’t spend time with them because of the way things are and they are working their ass off to cover it all make it all happen and doing the best they can because they aren’t doing their part or seeing them like they should. instead of just causing problems and making things worse for the one doing it and making them feel bad about everything.

I sit here and wonder why I am doing this, is life worth living? Why is it worth living, what makes it worth living. I know what I have to do, I want to do it but at the same time I just feel like why? Why are we all doing this? Is anyone happy? Is everyone happy and there is just something wrong with me and now I have drug my kids into this miserable unhappy world with me? I Are they going to want anything to do with me when they are older or are they going to leave and not come back around? They say they want to stay with me or live close and always be together and things but do they really mean it? I don’t remember every thinking that I wanted to stay at home or live close to my family or ever feeling close to my family. I never felt loved, don’t remember being happy or feeling happy. I still don’t feel loved, I haven’t felt loved in a very long time. I know the kids do and feel that some of them do. But it’s different everyone knows that. they can’t show or give what I need, in the way it is needed. It isn’t them it they aren’t supposed to. I wonder if they feel anything or if they are walking around like me and just miserable or is it to late have a really failed them or messed them up and are they just dead inside or empty like I have been feeling?

Just writing this I am all over the place up down and unsure of what to think or feel. I plaster on that fake smile and just keep working. There is a driver at my night job that comes in and talks before he goes on his runs or hen he gets back. He was coming in once a week but I hadn’t seen him in a while other than one night when I was leaving and he was. He stopped said hey that was about it. He was driving by as I was getting in the car.

Last night he came in it was his day off he had to talk to them about some time off. His mom has to have a heart thing done. We were sitting and talking and the other guy who works with me at night was on the phone. He said something about him talking in the background, so he said he was going to go outside and smoke, asked if I wanted to come out with him and if I smoked. I told him i didn’t but I walked out and talked to him for a bit. He asked if I wanted to go out grab something to eat and a drink. I told him I couldn’t I had to get home to the kids, I promised my little one I would watch a movie with her when I got home. We all talked some more there in the office until it was time to leave. We all walked out and we were standing there in the parking lot talking. He said well we better go before people start talking.

He keeps asking us if we want to go out after work or if I want to go out after work. He is a nice guy but he’s like 54 or 55 I think. He said his son is going to be 29 and he had him when he was 25. Besides that we work together, I don’t want to go there. Of course find one that is decent and he’s older and works with me. It’s like a cruel joke the world plays. Dangle it just out of reach.

I guess I should get off here, I’m at work, I been here an hour and half an been on here and watching a show. I need to take care of the things that need done here and go take care of this truck and deal with this guy that I really don’t feel like dealing with. I just want it all to go away. Someone twitch your nose, snap their figures and make it all go away or make it all better.

{March 24, 2019}   Having a Hard Time

I been having a hard time the last few days. The kids are complaining I’m not home, they don’t see me, they are grumpy, grouchy and just complaining along with fighting between them.

I was talking to bff about it last night this morning. Sleeping Beauty text asked what was going on or something. I told him i was tired of it never nothing i do good enough. No one ever happy or what.

He said i need to put my foot down start taking things tell them this is how it is. I can’t do anything im not there enough to say or do anything. He said you need to stop and be there for your kids.

I said Its one thing to walk around knowing no one cares you never been good enough but to fucking have it drilled in your head every time your around the ones that your working your ass off for. You only take so much.

He never said anything back.

Later i was talking to bff on messenger. I said I hear on cry complain gripe or anything else today im take them over pull up say thats your dads house get out go complain cry to him tell him how shitty of a job he is doing im tired of hearing it

Came back you need to grow up. Then in a minute said sleeping Beauty got my phone.

I was not in the mood i said, Not like he gets it or understands he like the rest not there for his either why someone else does it all worries about it all. Makes sure everything happens 24/7/365. Oh boy guess he still had her phone or she told him.

In a minute i get a text from him.  I do understand but I promise u if u come out ur mouth again I promise u I’m not gonna keep my mouth shut.

And u talking shit about me to people that don’t that don’t know me about my drug problem but it’s not a problem.

I didn’t have time to respond to the first before i got the 2nd.

I said I don’t know what the fuck your talking about. He never said anything back after that. I don’t know what he is talking about. I haven’t talk to anyone about it but bff and the guy at work said something to me about him. I didn’t say anything to him about him either. Just yeah you can’t help someone that don’t want it shuts down don’t talk.

He admitted right there he doing it so what can he say. Get mad because people care and trying to help him or figure out how. Oh well.

I started to ask Bff what the hell was going on but I didn’t. He was right there with her. I’m wait for her to get a hold of me. See if she does. If she does she does if she don’t she don’t. I’m not playing games. I figure she will when she drops him at work in the morning he isn’t around.

As far as him saying he understands but and not keeping his mouth shut. Not really anything he can say or do there either. As much as I have listen to him talk to him when shits getting to him. Again when it comes down to it im here doing it he hasn’t seen his done for his nothing. Not much he can say.

et cetera
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