{March 24, 2019}   A Very Odd Emotional State

I have felt very angry and upset the last 3 or 4 days. With everything today that happen isn’t helping.

The kids are upset I’m not here during the week but then complain when I am here and we can’t do anything because I’m not making enough. I feel like no matter what I do or how hard I try I am failing them and letting them down.

All I want to do is cry. I have been fighting crying for days. I feel this disconnect with in me.

It’s like inside I feel nothing but my head is dealing with all that is being thrown at me. But then at times I feel so much anger and hate and empty because no one cares.

The kids do the least little thing I get so mad and aggravated. Mostly because nothing I do is right or good enough and they aren’t happy. One thing in life I just want them happy and no matter how hard i try I can’t. So i have failed. Failed them yet again. Failed over all yet again. I can see why no one cares about me why I’m alone. Sitting here on the couch writting this from my phone. Kids are watching tv and playing on the computer. All I want to do is cry. I fight not to cry, not to get up and walk out, not to go in there and drink.

You know if I could do life over again I would never have kids. Because I would not want to risk them going through all this. I love my kids but i love them enough to not want this for them.

{February 8, 2019}   Supposed To Be Working

I am sitting here at work supposed to be working and really need to be but I’m not. Instead I am on here and finding anything and everything else that I can to do because I don’t want to be here or to do anything really. Well I do want to do a few things. I want to drink, I want to drink really bad. I just want to start and not stop until whatever happens just happens. I also want to curl up and go to sleep. I want to be held, I want someone to care, to care about me for a change. I want to feel like I matter and not just a convince for everyone.

I am a wreck today. I didn’t get hardly any sleep last night. I worked 13+ hours yesterday. I did my day job then my night job and when I finally got out of there almost a half hour later than we are supposed to I had a repo to do. Mr. Auto and the police department made that take longer and more hassle then it had to be. I called to let them know I picked it up and they couldn’t even find the address that we were at in their records. how is the police department not going to know or be able to pull up an address? What if I needed help or them to send someone and I wasn’t able to talk to them anymore than to give them the address?

The women on the phone had no idea what she was doing. She said I am going to put it in for an officer to come meet you if they need they can call you. They at this point 10 minutes or more into the phone call had no idea what I was even calling for. Someone could be bleeding to death, I could be trapped in a trunk or anything. She wasn’t even going to ask just send someone to where I was at put it in to and hang up.

I finally said look I do not need you to send anyone out or want you to. I am calling to tell you I am getting ready to take this car it is a repo. I am sitting here by it. She started saying something. I said look I am getting in it now I just need you to document it and make the report. I am driving it away right now so don’t send anyone you don’t have to they never do. I will not be here, I am about to hit 95 south. She said okay that is fine what do you need from me then. I said just document it so that if it gets called as stolen or I get pulled over. I need the report number your name and call time. She said okay. She never did get all the information that she needed from me. She ask for the tag and if these were the people that was it and gave me the numbers that I needed. She never took the vin or anything else like that. Not my problem I had all mine and did everything legal. I had all my paperwork if they had stopped me. I just wanted her to put it in because the tag was dead I didn’t want to get pulled over on the road out there. If they run the tag and see it was just repo they know your taking it back to the lot your not just out running around or the one responsible for that part of things and it is a repo so not a lot more needs said if the people were doing what they were supposed to we wouldn’t have it.

It should of never taken as long as it did to do. Between her and Mr. Auto telling me to do it all ass backwards It took about 30 to 45 minutes longer than it should have. So on top of working 13 plus hours it didn’t leave much time for sleep last night. I was crying before I could even fall a sleep. Today being the day my dad passed. I did really good all week. But after I was able to sit down and just try and relax and sleep it hit me like a brick.

I have worked but not like I should be. I found things to keep me busy but didn’t get things I really needed to done. I have to play catch up today to be on track for the guys next week and them to have work. I have kept my self detracted and just not done a lot. But over all I had felt pretty good not depressed or upset. But last night today has more than made up for it.

Pops came in a little bit ago and sat down he don’t want to be here either. He is still having a hard time with his wife passing. We just sitting here looking at the walls and each other talking about we need to get busy. Then we just talk about whatever to keep from doing anything. He is in there now working on a few things and trying to get into doing something and I am finishing this. I hope the day gets better some way. Bff was supposed to come have lunch with me but she cancelled I knew she was going to. She has no idea what today is. No one does I can’t even talk about it.

Guess I better get off here get this stuff done if they have no work next week I’m probably be in trouble for sure because I can’t even say I tried and couldn’t get it. I haven’t even tried. I maybe back later.

{November 26, 2018}   In Need Of a Time Out

I am in need of an adult time out for a week or two. I want to crawl out of my own skin. The two little ones have really been at eachother for days now. The dog will not listen no matter how much we try to show her and train her. She is in stuff 24/7. Then putting up with the bitch on top of it all. I am about ready to snap. Little bitty has been at her worst lately. Nothing I say or do matters try to be nice don’t work, punishment don’t work. It has been a struggle not to just bust her butt like she has never had before. I do not put up with the shit she been doing. I know a lot is going on but it don’t matter at this point she pushing to far and knows good and well what she is doing.

I am so over dealing with the bitch she is a huge reason things are the way they are everyone is in the mood they are in.

Feeling extremely lonely, unloved, uncared about, like a failure, depressed. Tired of being alone and doing this alone. Been thinking about Christmas coming up. Seen the gingerbread house kits in the store, started putting the tree up tonight all got me to thinking about this time last year. How things were then Sleeping Beauty coming to stay helping with things. They did the house’s and he helped with the tree and outside stuff. Everyone relaxed and had a nice time. When the kids got like they are he would step in and help. Or if I wanted to just get out he go for a ride or walk with me. We sit watch tv joke around or talk all hours of the night.

Its just makes me wish I could find someone like that to be more than friends with. Someone to have a future with. Someone to loves me and the kids and wants to do things to help and be with us.

It makes me wonder what is wrong with me? Why am I never good enough? Why don’t anyone want to be with me? Love me?

I try to figure out why I found someone who is everything and then some, but can’t be with him. Why he is so scared? Why he don’t see what we could have how we could grow together and be happy and better off? Or does he because he seems to in all the comments and talking he has done the last year. Hasn’t he seen I truly mean what I say and that I’m not like the rest? Why is he so scared to even sit down and talk?

If he isn’t it or it isn’t meant to be then why can’t I find someone or the one? It isn’t like I have stopped looking, talking or trying to meet people and just waiting on him. I am not going to wait for anyone or stop talking to others just because I am considering something with someone else. Once I find someone I want to have more with and they feel the same then I will. Until then I do what I want to do.

I just hate feeling this way. Lonely is one of the worst feelings ever.

{September 8, 2018}   Should of Went to Work

Left the house at 4 to go to “work” here it is 6:30 and I have done nothing but run up to the store north of me to look at clothes and things and then come back this way. I am now sitting here in my hiding place debating what to do.

I tried to call Sleeping Beauty but it is compleatly off now I guess. It goes right to voicemail. But that isn’t an excuse because he could borrow his moms phone and call me he has before or hook up to wifi and message me. So who knows what he is doing.

I thought about calling my friend that does our hair but I don’t know. i have no money to do anything on. Thought about messaging my “friend” see if he had his little girl but not into that either.

I am so over being alone and no luck meeting anyone. Out of how many guys now in the last year there has been one no two decent ones out of about 8 or 10 I have talked to.

I feel like there is no hope of meeting anyone anymore. I keep telling myself just go home and forget it but I really don’t want to be at home right now that is for sure.

I am aggervated with Sleeping Baeuty right now. To the point that if I don’t hear from him tonight I just want to ignore him when I finally do. I don’t get it one minute everything is great lets go do something then you don’t hear from him for days. The pissed off side of me feels jerked around, the calm side of me is just like you know things are going on he dealing with himself and the depression and things and he swings from fine to no good in no time. That we didn’t set anything for sure we just talked about maybe. But then to not hear from him for two or three days when I am trying to see what is or isn’t going on. I just don’t know.

I know part of it to is that I am stressed with everything else that is going in my life with my mom there and my job and trying to find another one.

I am aggervated because I don’t have many friend anymore. I isolated myself for so long that I hardly talk to anyone anymore. I never have free time I can go do something with her there and things. When I do seem to get a little bit of time away and have a break I spend it how I spend every part of my day and night alone. When it all comes down to it that is what I am really mad about or upset about, being alone not having anyone there for me that cares about me, or wants to build with me and help eachother out and just be happy.

Whats wrong with me, that no one wants me?

{August 28, 2018}   6 Long Years

Last night when reading the post that made me write I Pushed Him Away, got me to thinking about how long I have been alone and doing this all on my own.

It has been six years since we split up and I have not been in a relationship with anyone since. You know how long it has been but until you really stop and think about it….

Its no wonder I feel the way I do and so down at times. It been six years of doing and giving for everyone else and no one giving back helping or doing for me. Six years of no one caring about me or showing me affection or anything. Yeah I have my friend but its not even close to the same.

Just going through everyday day to day stuff with the kids growing it seems like it has flown by. When I think about it, it seems like forever ago, another life time almost. I try to remember how it felt when me and RC were together and were happy its like hard to think I was ever happy. It was suck a short little tiny blimp of time. That almost year seems like it was a day. But the other 5.5 years seem like 10 years. 10 years of struggling and being a lone and unhappy. Not unhappy because I was/am a lone just unhappy because of struggling and not seeing an end insight. It just all seems so odd to me.

{March 17, 2017}   Depressed

I have been in a mood most the day today, I don’t know if depressed is the right word for it or not. I started the day off pretty good the kids were out of school we slept in and laid around most the day. I decided to get up and start getting things done about one or two and then the kids reminded me they needed to turn their forms in for 4h. It was due today no later we already missed deadlines but there was a lot of wrong information out so they gave them til today to get everything in. I started trying to print it all out and the printer decided it wasn’t going to work. It is out of colored ink has been for a while but I bought a black ink and that is all I was trying to use but it said blue and yellow was out so I couldn’t use it at all. I don’t know what the fuck that is all about since i bought a black ink for it. Half the stuff they were supposed to have they didn’t because they have known about this stuff since we started in September and have not once picked the book up to work on it. I ended up going to the library and printing everything out. It cost me $10. I tried to figure everything out there fill it out and Little Bitty wouldn’t stop having a fit we ended up leaving. I came home to fix what we could of it and figured out I printed the wrong information out for part of it and didn’t print stuff out for the other. We filled it out and took it all in ask them for copies of the other paperwork they printed it out gave it to us. I was pissed because I run do this for months and have a ton of money in this and they can’t do the simplest parts of it and keep up their end of what they should do or were supposed to do. They can’t do the things they are supposed to do around here.

It all just pissed me off, then thinking about sorry ass Father of the Year that does nothing how sick we have been and I can’t get a weekend to myself to get anything done. I end up rushing around to get anything and everything done and never seem to enjoy any of it anymore. I don’t even know what I want anymore. I am tired, tired of always being the responsible one and doing the right thing. I am tired of being the only one who cares, but yet no one cares about. We got that done and ran to the store and came home and I have had some drinks since then. I guess now I am depressed instead of pissed. The day started off so relaxing and then everything hit the fucking roof and now I am sitting here in the dark alone as always writing this. For once in the last 5 years I just want to feel loved, cared for, wanted by someone.

You know I haven’t felt loved or as if anyone cared about me since July/August of 2012. The old man at the bar is probably right there isn’t anyone out there that wants someone like me with 4 kids. It’s stupid because I am not looking for someone to take on 4 kids and be daddy and provide for them. I don’t even want to live with anyone right now. I just want a relationship get to know each other and things. Nothing to do with kids and the likes at least for a while.

I am so over no one being responsible and doing their part. I am tired of being the only one who does anything, I am ready to just say fuck it all and leave. I have been thinking about leaving again just take Little Bitty and go. Then I think about at that would do to the other kids how they would feel how it would affect them. At the same time I feel like who cares? No one car/es about me what I may or may not want or if I am happy so why do I care?

I am now watching a super depressing This Is Us why the guys dad dies. Just what I want to see and think about the mood that I am already in.

et cetera
%d bloggers like this: