{April 10, 2019}   Anxiety On High Today

I don’t know why my anxiety has been high since I left the house this morning. I don’t know why or what is going on. I was talking to Bff and I told her my chest hurts it feels like someone sitting on it or trying to crack my ribs open. My stomach was in knots too and I couldn’t figure out why.

My chest isn’t hurting as much and my stomach isn’t in knots like it was but I am feeling really emotional. I keep just wanting to cry over every little thing and nothing at all. I sit here and fight it and try to figure out why.

{March 24, 2019}   A Very Odd Emotional State

I have felt very angry and upset the last 3 or 4 days. With everything today that happen isn’t helping.

The kids are upset I’m not here during the week but then complain when I am here and we can’t do anything because I’m not making enough. I feel like no matter what I do or how hard I try I am failing them and letting them down.

All I want to do is cry. I have been fighting crying for days. I feel this disconnect with in me.

It’s like inside I feel nothing but my head is dealing with all that is being thrown at me. But then at times I feel so much anger and hate and empty because no one cares.

The kids do the least little thing I get so mad and aggravated. Mostly because nothing I do is right or good enough and they aren’t happy. One thing in life I just want them happy and no matter how hard i try I can’t. So i have failed. Failed them yet again. Failed over all yet again. I can see why no one cares about me why I’m alone. Sitting here on the couch writting this from my phone. Kids are watching tv and playing on the computer. All I want to do is cry. I fight not to cry, not to get up and walk out, not to go in there and drink.

You know if I could do life over again I would never have kids. Because I would not want to risk them going through all this. I love my kids but i love them enough to not want this for them.

{June 27, 2018}   Catfished

Mr. To Broken posted on fb a picture of roses on a table and everything. He was out to dinner for a date. She hadn’t gotten there just yet. Everyone was commenting and I was getting ready to say remember fake it til you make it, but before I could a comment caught my eye. I read it and a few more and it and others were all telling hi. Just fake it til you make it and things. I guess I am not the only one telling him he needs to work on things.

The date did not last long, I could tell because he was online again in no time. Then he called me, oh boy he was mad. Mad is probably an understatement.

He tells me she got there and she was nothing like what he was expecting. He had told me she was a little big but not much and she looked good in her pictures and things. He said he was sitting there she walked up and was 3 times the size she was in the pictures. He is extremely angry and upset by it.

I laughed a little he got madder. Said it was not funny. It isn’t but it is. It is horrible but just to hear him talking about it. What do you expect from dating sites. He should of ask for a recent picture or something.

That was Friday, Monday he called all upset wanting to talk. He foundout a good friend he liked but wouldn’t talk to is with some guy he didin’t like he was bent out of shape about that. I said did you tell her? No, he says. I said then you can’t be mad she didn’t pick you. Get over it. If she has no clue your interested then you can’t be mad she talking to someone else. Didn’t like that either but butter cup guess what truth hurts and if you don’t want to hear it don’t talk to me. He knows we have talked about it. Later he always comes back says your right blah, blah.

That night he tried to call i was busy. He messaged me said he had a date Wednesdays with a girl he has liked since they were kids. I don’t really know how this is going to turn out. If they are as close as he says she should know how he is so maybe he has a chance. If not and she see’s it will probably end really bad. Not for her but the shape he will be in. That will not be cool.


{February 11, 2018}   Not My Best Week Ever

This past Thursday was 3 years that I lost my daddy to cancer and it wasn’t any easier than the day it happen. I don’t know why I was thinking it was Friday not Thursday and I was kind of mentally trying to prepare myself. It seemed to be working, until I figured out it was Thursday I was wrong. Wednesday was a ruff day, I’m not sure why, I went did my prints for my background check, for my internship and then to my therapy appointment at 1. I went with a friend to lunch in between then went to the shop. I was just not in a good mood just really down feeling as the day went on. I went right in at the shop and started pulling everything apart and cleaning. I did all the rugs and pulled them up tossed them outside and did the floors all around, then brought the rugs back in laid them out and did them again and put everything up and away. After that I just sat there listening to music and looking for jobs on youtube. I had text her about the job I interviewed for.

In a little while the boss came in said he was leaving I started to get up to get my stuff together and go he said the other guy was going to lock up about 4:30 and left. I thought he was going to lock the office up before he left but he was just telling me he was leaving for the day. I just sat there thinking about things and not really doing much of anything. By the time I left I was in tears. In a little bit he came in said he was locking up ask if I was ready and set the alarm. I grabbed my bag and went out. I stopped outside the door to close my bag he seen I was upset. He was asking me what was wrong? He was calling me he said you know I love you? Do you need to talk? I said no I love you too x I’m okay. He hugged me and we started walking out to the fence to lock it up and go to where the cars are all parked. He was saying is it this, that, boyfriend? Kids? If you need to talk I am here. I said it’s okay just stuff from the past. He said okay and we went on. I figured the bosses wife would be calling me to see what was wrong she is my BFF and he lives with them. He is one of the kids and he gets worried about everyone or if something is wrong. I figured he say something to her. He just turned 21, he been in trouble in the past and don’t have a family. They have known him for a little while and he is trying to get on the right track and get his little boy back since his mom lost him and signed up her rights to him. They are helping him, so we know each other out side work and things.

That night my friend the one that my my BFF introduced me to and was trying to get me to go out with before we knew how broken he really was and his problems. He messaged me and was trying to talk I did a little but not a lot. He said something about needed to talk. I told him if he needed to talk he could call me. He called me in a little bit and said no I was asking if you needed to talk something is wrong and we talked for a little while but I didn’t tell him what was wrong either. I just didn’t really want to talk about it.

Then next day I just was not in a good mood very down and depressed, I been fighting the urge to drink since the day before. I messaged my friend ask her if she wanted to go to lunch I was hiding at the time. She said she could’t she had things to do. I told her I wanted to go to lunch I needed some drinks she said no we would go later that night. I told her I couldn’t go that night but it was okay. I was talking to my Good friend that I talk to all the time and he was getting ready to go to work. I stopped by his house for a little bit. Sat there talking to him some. He said come here I know what you need he pulled me up and gave me a hug. He said your doing it all on your own and it’s hard I been there. I just burst into tears. I am, I am tired, it is part of what is wrong on top of everything else.

My friend called me in a little bit I answered she said lets go to lunch. She said she talked to her aunt and they had things to do but they were going to go to lunch first because they knew something war wrong. I told her lets go to the pizza place in the village and to meet me at the shop and pick me up. The shop is on her way to her aunts and the pizza place and wasn’t far from where I was. I told her I wanted to have some drinks that I was going to park my truck at the shop then go back there for a while before I had to go home. That way by then I would be okay to drive. She said okay. I dropped my truck off and we went to lunch. I only had one drink a Jack and Coke.

  boy it was strong, I told them I don’t think they gave me any Coke with my Jack. I wanted something else but by the time I was ready for something else we were done eating we were in a hurry to get other things done. I ended up going to storage with them and helping them get that sorted out and somewhat organized so it can be gone through more later.

She said at one point that her husband, my boss asked if I was okay and what was going on I guess he could tell I was upset when he left and then the kid told him I was crying when we left. But she has been dealing with some things with one of her older girls so I hadn’t said anything to her. She still don’t know what all is going on or wrong. I just been trying to be there for her and her daughter as much as I can because I would never want to go through what they are going through and I can’t say I would trade what I was upset about with what is going on.

But I did make it through the day and feeling a little better now that it is Sunday. I had plans for things to do Friday but didn’t get to do them and didn’t really feel like it since it wasn’t the day I thought it was and couldn’t really do them Thursday. I may do them at a later time I don’t know yet. I am still a little aggravated but from other things now I think more than being upset about the day.


{November 19, 2017}   Can I Come Over?

As if I wasn’t stressed and in a bad mood already I get a text from the guy I talk to from work. We don’t talk like we did when we first started talking we talk here and there but that is it really. We have talked some through the week and yesterday we were all standing around the shop talking for a long time while they were working and trying to get things done before the weekend. But then last night I text him because I thought of something I wanted to ask him. I just text hey and he said laying down. I said okay and didn’t send anything back. I though it was odd because most the time he talk he is always laying down or in his room when he is home. Things are not going good there still just getting worse so he stays in there most the time. But then someone picked him up from work yesterday one of the guys said something about his girlfriend or what. I don’t care because we haven’t really been talking anything like that in a while. When he didn’t say anything back I figured he was with her or she was over so I never said anything.

Then about 5 tonight I have the house flipped upside down and tore to hell trying to get everything fixed and straight here once and for all. I get a test that says what are you doing tonight? I just said nothing, right away I get a test back that says can I come over? I looking around me thinking of all times you want to come over now is when you want to come over. I said um when? Why? and sent then sent a laughing thing. He didn’t answer for a bit I said what’s up? I am trying to figure out if he is on his way here for some reason, if he is wanting me to come get him like right now or soon or what. He still didn’t answer, I finally said I don’t care if you come over do you need a ride? He then said he was still at work. I guess that is why he was taking so long to answer. I know there was a to do about work today and things have not been going great there lately either because of the way things are where he is staying. It’s a guy from the shop who’s house he is staying at. They aren’t getting along at home or work now. I ask him if he would help me move something when he came over he said yes. I told him to let me know when he got off, I still didn’t know what was going on why he wanted to come over, how he was getting here or nothing. But I didn’t message him anymore because I knew he was at work and I just don’t mess with people when they are at work. I know he can use his phone as long as they aren’t on it all day or what.

Couple hours later I ask him what he was doing why they were working so late. He said he just got home was having a drink with the guy next store. I said nice I been fighting the erg to drink since about 10 am. He said come over. I told him I could’t he was supposed to be coming over here and he didn’t say anything. In few minutes I decided to take a ride and pick up some pallets someone was giving away so the kids can hopefully do their Christmas decorations they do. I wanted to go get them because when people have them they snatch them up for bonfires and things. I messaged him ask him if he wanted to take a ride. I figured he could get the 3rd seat out of my truck and help me load them. He ask where to and said he hadn’t even gotten a shower yet. I said to X and told him why. That I wasn’t leaving my house for at least 20 minutes or more. I was cooking dinner for the kids and I wanted to finish it and get them sat down to eat. He said if I can stand up because he was drinking fast. I said well stop and get your ass ready and laughed. He never responded never responded in a little bit, didn’t respond when I ask if he was going or when I called him. I figured maybe he was in the shower, I went to get gas because I didn’t even know if I had enough to get to his house much less where we had to go and back. He still had not responded so I called my friend and ask her if one of the guys would help me get the seat out of my truck if I came to her house. She said yeah they were on their way home and to come over. I said well I thought I had help and I guess I don’t.

I got there they took the seat out and she rode with me to get them. We went got them dropped them off at my house and then was headed back to her house to drop her off and get the seat and put back in. Why we were standing around there and they were messing with the seat and things before we left I text him and said, so what happen between earlier and now? I thought about it for a few minute I said what are you so scared of? Well? This point I have already had a fucking miserable day and now he is going to contact me and think he is going to play games tonight lets do this or can I come over and pull this shit. Nope I’m say something. He always saying I’m not scared, I’m not scared of nothing. I figured that get him, I was ready to go off. I told her he probably going say I fell a sleep blah blah bullshit.

We got up the street from my house he sent a message, I’m not scared I’m so fucking depressed I’m loosing it. I have know by things he has said since we started talking and this past week he told me he been having problems and that he thought it was depression. We talked a little bit then. One reason when he ask to come over I said yes. I figured he was going to say lets go do something or what. Then he ask to come over I knew something was up. I said yeah, I figured I was going to be home anyway, I was already in a mood all day maybe hanging out talking would be good for both of us. It get him out of the house for a while and things.

I told him I had just finished getting the pallets and was out why didn’t he come over for a little bit get out of the house. I told him I was riding around and close to where he was I could pick him up. I didn’t tell him I was with my friend or that I was on my way to her house. She lives not far from him so I would be close to him and could of picked him up. He said he was okay and ask what I was doing tomorrow? I told him I didn’t know yet hadn’t decided. I ask him why he was lying I knew he wasn’t okay, why he wanted to know what I was doing tomorrow? But he never answered again.

I been thinking about going to the park or the flea market or something to get the kids out of the house. I don’t care if he wants to ride with us. I told the kids tonight that a friend might come over for a while, because I was trying to get things picked up better before. Really it’s true he is a friend. I like him think he is a decent guy but he is going through a lot of shit right now and more than I know because there is a lot of other stuff aside from his living and work that he is dealing with. Coming up on the holidays I am sure it isn’t easy. I am not interested in anything more with him if he is seeing other people or what. He needs to get things straightened out for himself before he decides to be with anyone rally. But I don’t mind being a listening ear someone to talk to and just being a friend. Maybe that is why we have crossed paths not for anything more. I am just tired and fed up with every thing else I don’t even know if I want to meet someone or not again.

They both walk in and out of these kids lives like nothing, they don’t think about if it effects them or how it effects them. They aren’t the ones here that have to deal with them being upset, sad, angry and down right nasty. They do not think about what they have already been through with losing the dog and then how close they had become to Wanda but then to have Father of the Year just ignore them like he has. Him ignoring them the other night just pushed them over the edge. This shit is why I do not want Little Bitty to call him daddy or to even think of him as daddy or being that person. He is far from it to even his own kids and do them this way and now her too because every fucking body calling him daddy to her. She has been the one that has been acting out the worse the last few days. I am to the point I can’t stand to be around her, it don’t matter what I say or do she just has a huge fit and shows her ass and refuse to listen. I can’t tell you how much trouble she has been in and even spankings the last few days. She had a fit yesterday in the store because she couldn’t have a $4 drink just because it had a cartoon head on it. I am not paying that for that when I can buy two full size jugs of juice for that. Then when we were with my mom she through a huge fit in the store because she couldn’t have a pony. I had to pick her up both times and carry her out of the store kicking screaming and fighting and couldn’t even hold her down to get her strapped into her seat. I spanked her it didn’t help took stuff away it didn’t help. Then all I hear is my mom bitching you don’t make her listen you let her do what she wants your why she is this way. She has no fucking clue what she does or what she is like because that is the most she has been around her in a year or more. This is not how she does most the time this is all new. My head hurts now from yelling at her I hate to yell and hardly ever do but she has been so bad and just have a fit and talk over top of you. Tonight the kids cleaned up the living room a lot of it her stuff but they picked it up. She came in here dumped two or three things every where all over. Then yelling and having a fit. I told her finally get your stuff and get out, if you are not going to clean up and listen act like a human and treat everybody nicely you have to get out of my house. She said okay I will go get my stuff and live with grandma. I said no you aren’t living with grandma you are going to stay outside because grandma don’t want you living with her the way you act either. She got all mad. But she finally come in here and cleaned up all the mess she made. She rolled on the floor yelling her legs hurt, she was tired, she needed her temperature checked but she got it all up. I am not having this she is not going to act this way and get away with it and walk around like she can do what she wants.

{January 21, 2015}   It’s Not Normal

Don’t know what to do with my oldest son. I feel bad for him he is my one with aspergers. He is really very smart and will talk to you about things that you wouldn’t think most 9 year old’s would know about. The things he says and talks about blows his therapist a way. He is so very sweet, loving, and caring.

But if something happens and he stubs his toe or he bleeds a little bit from something he freaks out. He thinks he is going to lose all his blood and die. Every time I tell him he isn’t and remind him that the last time he bleed a little bit he didn’t die it scabbed up and stopped bleeding and he is here and fine. He still just cries and gets upset thinking he is going to die.

When he loses a tooth I just pray it falls out before he notices it’s lose because if not and it starts to bleed he is in full panic and melt down. The best teeth so far he has lost are the ones he swallowed and never noticed lose. He is 9 he has been losing teeth since he was 4. Still it is lose something is wrong with him. It bleeds something is horrible wrong he is going to lose all his blood.

I know he can’t help it and that it is the aspergers that causes him to be that way. It’s just so frustrating because he is so worried and upset and there is nothing I can do to help him feel better or understand even though we been through it.

Tonight brought on a whole new upset melt down and scared something is wrong. He can’t go to the bathroom. I asked him the other week if he was having trouble going he said no. I figured he is just a boy and he is getting to that age. He is just going to take forever in the bathroom. Tonight he comes out all freaked out and upset he can’t go. I have some stuff here for the little kids because my little guy has some problems and my little bitty just went through a time where she wasn’t able to go. I looked up to see how much he could have and gave it to him. I told him he probably still wouldn’t go until sometime tomorrow. He has been back to the bathroom twice trying to force himself to go. I keep telling him he can’t do that he needs to just not worry about it and go.

I asked him when the last time he went was he says he don’t know. But he says that his stomach don’t hurt and that he don’t feel like he has to go. I told him not to worry about it sometimes you don’t go everyday and to just go to bed and we could get some fruit tomorrow and give him some more meds if he needed them. He is still all worried but he didn’t go, I guess he goes everyday and he is just upset and worried because he didn’t today. I finally got him to calm down for now and go lay down. I will give him a glass of hot water if he gets up again. If he still hasn’t went by Friday I will take him to the doctor so maybe she can maybe tell him something and make him feel better. I wanted to say they have these things you can get called suppositories you can get that will make you go if you really can’t but this is what you have to do with them. But I didn’t. I figured maybe it would make him decide that maybe not going for just a day was ok and what we were trying was better than that. But then I figured knowing him he would want to go get them. I am not going there tonight.

I just wish there was some way to make him see that you don’t have something horrible wrong or something horrible isn’t going to happen just because something little happens. That it is normal. He thinks it is not normal at all. If someone else bleeds or gets hurt he don’t want to hear about it or talk about it either. But he don’t get all upset about it if it isn’t him.

I thought as he got older it would get better but it hasn’t. It’s odd because they had to draw blood a while back two different times and he sat right there and let them do it. The firs time he started to get upset and things but we talked to him the tech did and he was ok. the next time he sat there chatted a way with them and never flinched. But he see’s a drop of blood at home and he freaks.

et cetera
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