Single___Parent___Life











{October 14, 2018}   Is There a God

I don’t think so!

I will be honest my religion, faith or whatever you want to call it is something that I have been questioning a lot lately. For a while I haven’t really thought of it one way or the othe. But the last month or so its been on my mind a lot and pressing.

A little history, I grew going to church until I was in my teens. Then I went off and on through my teens here and there. When I got out of school and started working I went speratic. Then right before I met father of the year I had started going with my moms friend to his church. Come to findout it was the church father of the years grandma had gone to for years and where he went. I am not sure why we didn’t keep going there since we both were going and he had been there for so long and had friends and things there. Well writing that it makes since he didn’t really want me to meet his friends and never really went around or talk to them much after we got together. Just like he ended up isolating me from mine. He didn’t want them to findout what he was really all about. Anyway we found a different much smaller church and went there for years until I stopped going once we started having problems and split up. That is the one that turned their back on me and the kids and said I ripped my family apart and was all poor father of the year and how bad I was.

When me and RC were together we were starting to check out different churches and trying to find one to start going to. Then about that time everything happen with us and we split up. Me and the kids started going to one years later after my dad passed but that didn’t last long. It was great for the kids but I felt like there was no where I fit on or anything for me. Did not relate to anyone because everyone was married or single never been married, didn’t have kids. It was hard to be able to go because I didn’t have a sister for the kids when they had womens bible study and small groups and things. I was looked at like I was the pluge or something because I wad divorced!! Of all things. No one ever took the time to findout why or to get to know us. There was one lady who was so nice and seemed to truely care and befriended me but she wasn’t there offten because of work and things. We ended up not going and no one missed us or cared. Never did anyone call and ask if things were okay of something was wrong or anything.

I know it sounds stupid maybe. But growing up the elders of the church, teachers and other were always in contact with the members of the church and new people. If a member didn’t show up after a Sunday or two if they had not heard from you they were calling or coming to see you and make sure you were okay. It was like a family and they really cared and you felt you had friends, support and if people really cared. Real connections. If you walked in to the church and had never been there you can bet a dozen people will have spoken to you, welcomed you and included you in what was going on. Now you go into these churches someone may or may not speak to you at all and you just kind of follow in whats going on or sit back and watch. No one calls or checks up on anyone or notices if they are gone even if they have been coming for a while and if they do they are quickly forgotten and everyone moves on as if they were never there.

So that is my stint with church this far in my almost 38 years of life. I have been “saved” twice, believed in gifts, laying hands and all that.

But for a while now I have been going back and forth and questioning the whole God and church thing. Looking back over the years thinking about everything and everything that is going on now makes me question him even more.

Everyone says, pray about it, have faith, trust God, in God’s time, God says yes, no, wait, just wait, don’t give up. It maybe tomorrow, next week, next year or 5 years, BUT things will get better just wiat, trust, believe, pray and go to church.

My response to that is, how long am I supposed to pray about it? How long am I supposed to have faith, believe and and trust? How bad off do I have to be before something remotely good happens? I don’t just wait i do and do and try to do better and get a head just to be knocked right back down in days or weeks. If something good does seem like it is happening it don’t last or don’t come through.

If there is a God why do I struggle so much just to live and not have anything can’t do anything and can’t provide? When I am trying to work, trying to go to school, take care of my kids and make a better life for us? But here I sit lights going off in a few days, car insurence do Monday, and no way to pay them. Then my phone and water and things due soon.

I do not get how if there is a God I am in this situation when all I do is try to make things better for us and work my ass off. While others over here lie and do everything they can to get all the help they can never try and have no plan to do better or want to do better. Then you have deadbeat father of the year who has a job, house, truck and everything else in the world he wants or needs handed to him while his kids suffer amd do without.

You know I did better in the past, had more and things like that but can I really say it was because of God? No I can’t say I feel that it was now. Looking back it was because I was in a different situation. There was two of us in the house working and I was able to work, go to school and do things because I had help. But what was the price I paid to have that help? Being treated like crap, knocked around, ignored, and more. So because I chose to get myself and my kids out of that then I should struggle and be miserable and unhappy the rest of my life and have to tell my kids we can’t do that, we can’t go there, we can’t get that all the time and sit and stress and worry if we are even going to have a place to live and things.

All because I refused to be abused anymore and because I refuse to get back in a situation like that or to go from man to man and live off of them. Because I would rather have a real relationship than an atm? But doesn’t the bible say we aren’t supposed to do that kind of thing as well? But if we do it we are rewarded for it?

Yeah none of it makes since if there was a God life would not be this way. Then people want to get upset if you question it or it isn’t for you. Why would it be with all that I have been through and church after church turn their back or not make you feel welcome and no mater how much you pray and do your still in the same boat 5 years 8 years down the road. Why everyone else living and happy.

Everyone is welcome to have their say and I would love to hear others opinions on it all. But I also know that topics like this are very hot topics and can get out of hand. We are all adults and can have respectful conversations and different points of view with eachother. Rude, nasty or disrespectful comments will not be approved.But I really would like to hear others out on why things are this way for some and that way for others if there is such a loving and caring God? He can make ways why hasn’t he? Why is the only way I could do decent was to be in an abusive relationship? Why when I get out all I do is struggle and can’t beg for help give people things or pay them even to help me and everyone turns their back? Why if he cares so much don’t he make a way?when I am trying? I will probably get a lot of backlash may lose some followers but that is okay. Just show that what I am saying is right. When you question or don’t fit in their box instead of helping they turn their backs.

 



{June 5, 2017}   Still Not Working

I called Wednesday to get an appointment to get my medication adjusted or changed. They told me that they didn’t have anything for weeks with the one nurse that I see. I told them what it was for even and they still acted as if it was no big deal. I told her I also seen the other doctor and could I get in with him. She looked and said the only thing she had with him was the next morning at 8:30 am. I told her I would take it, I had to get something done right away it had already been a week or more. I had to get the kids up early get them to daycare early and get about 20 miles away to the doctor. I got there about 10 minutes early so I was glad because I woke up a little late.

I sat there an my time came and went, this lady came in about ten minutes past when I was told to be there and said she was supposed to be there at 9 to see the same doctor. Well in about ten more minutes they came and took her back. It wasn’t even 9 yet and I was still in the waiting room. I waited a while longer and finally after 9 they took me to a room. The tech was rude and really getting on my last nerve I woke up really sick and in a bad mood because all I wanted to do was sleep buy drug myself up there and now it is past my time by over 45 minutes. I ended up sitting there until 930 before the doctor came in. He talk to me said to double the medication I am taking and he was adding another to it because I have two different things going on and I needed a different medication because the one only helped with the other not both. I told him I woke up feeling pretty sick the kids all had strep could he check me he said sure and did. He gave me medications for that as well. He spend about 10 or 15 minutes with me wanted to know if I had my thyroid checked and why, then wanted to know if I had blood work lately. I told him no he said to go get it done they needed to check it again since I had not been anywhere to get it taken care of yet. I told him I can’t hardly find a doctor. He said he knows he don’t think the healthcare is right the way they do things and people not being able to see doctors and get help. We talked about kids and different things. He asked if I was seeing the therapist there I told him no I was seeing someone closer to home, he said keep going and to come see him again in a month.

I forgot to pick my medications up before I came home that evening so I waited  to get them. I had the one I been taking so I just started taking two of them until I could get the other. Well I looked up the new one and every where I see says not to take the new one and the one I am on already together there could be major drug interactions. I called the drug store and talked to them there about it and he said no not to do it and that he would not do it. He said to go back and get something else. This was Friday morning, I called the doctors office and talked to the nurse I told her what was wrong that my medication was not working he told me to double it but that I also needed something else I feel I need something else as well but that they said do not take the two together so I need him to change one or both of them and let me know when they called something in for me. Well they never did. Here I sit all weekend still only taking the one and it still isn’t working after doubling it. I would think the way I react to medication and this one on the lower dose that I would feel something doubling it like that all at once and I don’t. I am still sleeping as much as I can and not doing anything. I want to get things done around here I just can’t hold my eyes open to do it. I took the pill early and went to bed early got plenty of sleep but still after no time an hour or two if that I just want to lay down and not get up for hours.

I am going to call them back tomorrow and ask for the office manager because I am not going to be told I have to come back in when I was just there to get this taken care of. I have to start my new job tomorrow and go to the shop and do some stuff this week. I do not have time to come in there. The doctor should know what interacts with each other to a point or check if he don’t so this don’t happen. He had a guy right there following him with a computer doing other stuff he could of had him look it up if he didn’t know. It took me two seconds to find it. I am not going to wait days or weeks to get in or sit there for hours waiting to be seen. I don’t have time for that. That is why I don’t go 99% of the time because you come out with no help and nothing you need.



et cetera
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