I wanted to be up and out of here by now and I am still laying in bed. I have so much I need to do before work and now not sure it will get done.

My body hurts all over, my upper back in my shoulder blades and all around, my neck and my legs. My calves feel like the mussels are being twisted and pulled. My shoulders feel bruised and so sore to the touch. Almost like they are on fire they burn. They have been this way for a while and seem to be getting worse not better.

This is one of those times I wish I had a decent man. That would just pull me close massage me until it all went away. When I was with my friend the other night I was massaging his back, he was sore from working on the truck. I should of told him and ask him to do mine but I didn’t. He had already done so much for me, I wasn’t going to ask him to do that too.

I know a lot of it is from work and all the lefting and moving stuff. Most isn’t big stuff it is just doing it over and over all the time. Think by now I be use to it but there are other things as well bothering it. Like the lifting the hood of the truck over my head and holding it. Its pretty heviey and won’t stay up on it’s own. Pulling myself up and holding myself up there to check the water. The leaning and reaching to keep a check on all the fluids with everything going on. The motor is right at my neck so I have to reach up and over everything to do anything. A big part of it is stress as well, dealing with everything, trying to figureout how to get everything done and taken care of.

If I had a guy it would take care of most all of that or at least help with it. He would take care of checking the truck and making sure everything was alright. He help get things done and taken care of around the house, like the yard that is up to my knees because I don’t have money to take care of it. He just be there as someone who cares and who is in it with me. I wouldn’t feel as if no one cares or what.

As bad as I want someone and how nice it would be, the closer I get to maybe that happening or the more real it gets the more I feel myself pulling away. It is a struggle with in, it feels good to think that hey maybe this is going to happen and I won’t be alone and I will have someone who cares and treats me right. Then something says why ruin it? Why mess with things? Do we really have to get with anyone? Maybe it is better to stay single. Then no one gets hurt. You won’t get hurt because nothing can happen to hurt you. The others don’t get hurt because your still there for them the same as you are now and everyone is okay with it. No kids are involved so they can’t get hurt in it all. Do we really need a relationship?

The other half is saying yes go for it. We need to feel loved, like someone cares, the security of having someone who is on your side wants to see you do better and pushies us. We need to feel like someone is there for us not just like we are there for ever one else and no one is for use.

I do I want it and am so scared at the sametime. I keep hearing whats going to be different this time then any other time? But I know it can be I know there is a lot that is different with either one from the ones I have been with in the past. A lot is different with me since my past but I am still scared. I keep thinking just forget these two and see what comes along. But why if I like them and I have this much time into them building the friendship and relationships that we do have so far. I think maybe by the time I get that far with someone else I will be more ready. But I know that isn’t true either. I don’t think I am going to find that anywhere else. Find what I been looking for like I have is few and far between. Then I think maybe I have made it all into more than what it is but the one has out right said it three times, I like to make you mine, think about it. The other I know is interested just kind of in the same boat as me scared. And confused with his ex and what happen what she keeps doing. I feel now he needs to get that taken care of once and for all before I would be comfortable being with him if he wanted to give it a try.

I just don’t know. I think I am just going to take some time away from them both and see what happens. When I think that and say it, something inside screams no don’t deal with it decide something and talk to them both now. Don’t put it off and not deal with it and forget about it like you do everything when you get overwhelmed or scared. It is your flight or fright kicking in. You can’t avoid it. It isn’t going to go away. Your going to have to face it if you keep talking to them. Your going to ruin friendships if you stop. Just do it and get it over with. Go from there, take the advice you give everyone else. I know, i know I have to. It is just so hard when I can’t nail the other down and really get to talk to him and now knowing what I do about him. I keep thinking just forget him go with the other. But I still feel this push that no matter what I need to talk to him first even if I do go with the other. Maybe I will take the next few days to put a plan together and go from there.

I think I may have upset Sleeping Beauty today. I haven’t heard from him but once and he never answered my question. When I was writing my other post and talking about his ex and how she always wants something. I wondered if he had put two and two together? She has his stuff but will not give it back. One minute it is you can have it but you have to bring an officer with you. To get it blah blah bullshit. Then when she being all nice its you can get it. But then he has had no where to take it or she has some reason she can’t meet after saying she will.

Thinking about it all I decided to message him. I said hey I have a question? He said whats up? About half hour later.

I said what does she want or need from you?

After that I said…Think about it. Since i have known you anytime you tell me she is around it turns into her wanting something or needing something. You to fix her car, you to get her a new car or sighn for a new car. As soon as she gets it she gone or as soon as things don’t go her way she calling the police mad and gone. dont remeber the other time something to do with the car i think. But you ask for nothing but your things back and she refuses and has a fit. You say why she keep your stuff? Why won’t she just give it back? Because it gives her something over you and a reason to come around. Hold your stuff out there then say i said you could get it you didn’t. You say every time you try to talk to her say what you want she starts a fight and runs. Its all planed she knows what she is doing. It is all a game to her to keep you around in case she needs something.

This make it look like your fault you started a fight you always start a fight this is why she dont stay around or give your stuff back. When its her all along.

I have not heard a word back from him at all. Later this evening when things slowed down I messaged and ask what he was doing. Still nothing. I wasn’t trying to upset him or make him mad but I also thought about him talking about people only around when they want something from him. Again is he not seeing that? I figure its all making him really think even if he is mad at me for pointing it out or saying it. I may try to message him tomorrow if I don’t hear from him or I may wait.

I have ask for help but have always offered to pay him other than when he was staying here. I was a little surprised he offered to help with the truck over the weekend. But I think he is seeing, I am really not in it just for what I can get or what he can do for me. He see’s I am there for him regardless and that I do care about him when it comes down to it. So even if he did get mad or upset I don’t think it will last or truely at me when it comes down to it. He is more going to be hurt by her what she is doing.

I have to go to the feed store right by where he works tomorrow I may see him then just talk a minute nothing big just see how he is doing where he is. I worry about him more after that conversation we had last weekend or weekend before this last one I guess It was. I tell him all the time that I worry about him and I am here anytime he needs to talk. I have ask him if or what I can do to help him and things. He just says nothing.


{June 10, 2018}   Need a Man

Last night while I was finally looking at the truck trying to check the headlights Starfish messaged asked what I was doing. I told him changing the bulbs and trying to see if we could aim them.

We finished and I headed home. It hadn’t taken us long so I messaged him on my way home. I was aggravated not having help with my truck, being alone, just wanting the closeness and support. I said I need a man! He sent back I need a women. I said I’ve just about given up. He asked why.

I said because all these guys just want to be “friends” or hang out see where it goes. None are into more. He said so are you ladies. I said no. He like yes.

I said okay so maybe some but these guys act like its all a game or something. Or they come in wanting to take care of everything, pay everything buy you things and your supposed to be impressed and fall all over them. I’m not into all that.

He never responded. We have talked a little bit since then but none of that came up after I said that.

I said it too because I wanted to see what he would say. I figured he get quiet like he did the other night when I said I was looking for more. But I’m sure he is thinking about it all too.


{June 2, 2018}   Need vs. Want

Love this, I say it all the time and people just don’t get it.

There’s nothing sexy about being needed. I feel it after a long day at work after hundreds of children have made their demands, becoming more task-monitor and cognition-manager than woman. Mothers describe feeling like little more than a milk-generating machine during those months when breastfeeding may be a constant. Bread-winners may start to feel more…

via “I Want You” vs. “I Need You” — Lessons From the End of a Marriage

et cetera
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