{August 5, 2018}   Figure it All Out Soon

I told Bff that an Old Friend hit me up last night and wants me to come see him when I get off work tonight. The short fling I had awhile back. He wanted me to go out on the boat with him today but I have to work so I couldn’t.

She responds back with… need to figure it all soon girl. And settle on the one you see a future with.

I said none so far. She said oh boy.

Like I told her my “friend” is a good guy but he is just into and wanting things I am not and not really willing to do.

My Old Friend is a good guy but he isn’t looking for anything but to hangout. If you seen us together you think we were together, but we aren’t. I enjoy hanging out with him I have fun. We joke, dance, darts cards go out whatever. But I just don’t see a long term with him. He wants to keep kids out of everything all together. That just isn’t do able. My kids are just to young. I don’t want to be pulled between them. I don’t want to have to always be balancing my time between them. I want to do things together. Not right away but like I said before once we been together awhile things are going good. He just wants to see what happens where or if it goes somewhere. Just have fun.

Then there is Sleeping Beauty, I can see a future with him, i can see having something with him and it lasting. But I don’t know he isn’t ready for that I don’t think. He said he wasn’t looking didn’t want anything a few months ago. Then few weeks ago he was making comments again. But then he comes out of the blue with his ex and doing things with her. He isn’t over her, I don’t want to be with someone that isn’t over their ex. Because her popping in and out them talking would not work. Wow I am surprised I just said that. Because I am pretty okay whatever when it comes to guys and who they talk to. I talk to some of my ex’s and things. I typed not even thinking about what I was typing.

But anyway I have not talk to him since I asked him what she wanted or needed from him. I do not think that is why I have not heard from him but who knows. We will go awhile and not talk then talk all the time again. Like me and my good friend. It is odd. But I guess it isn’t either so I don’t know. He knows i tell him like it is and he knows its true and the things he needs to do. But you know how it is when you know it but don’t want to hear it from some one else. You kind of back off from that person. I think that is what he does. I ask him is he mad or if I did something he always has said no. He has never said anything wrong or gotten nasty with me other thN the one time. When he was staying here then went to his moms the way he did. He said somethings then. Thats the only time.

Other than them 3 I have talked to the different guys but I haven’t been interested in anything with them.

So it isn’t that simple and easy to just pick one. It is not like any one of them is a perfect match no one ever will be. But only the one is really one I feel is close to being what I would be happy with. Then he is dealing with his own issues. That is great because he needs to and to be happy. It sucks for me but it is what it is.

I told Bff tonight maybe I am being shown something. Maybe all these young ones talking to me and things is a sighn. Maybe I am supposed to just get me a young one and just have some fun for awhile. Then worry about more later. She was like oh boy.

{July 29, 2018}   Picking Them Apart

I have not talk to my “friend” or Sleeping Beauty in days, and I am okay with that, for the most part.

As you know I have really been thinking about the nitty gritty, tiny details between the two and how to handle it or what I want to do.

I really like my “friend” and I do have feelings for him and think he is a great guy. But I don’t know that he is the one. I have been picking him apart with a fine tooth comb because I thought I was going to go over and talk to him about all this the other night. Figure we will probably get together this week or tonight and talk. I want to be ready. Just to make sure we cover things that should really be covered. I have a reason not just that I am interested in someone else is why I am not interested in him if it comes down to it.

There are just things that we are not on the same page on. They are things that can’t really be overlooked or compromised on. I mean they could but then one of us are not going to be happy and it not going to work well. He is Pagan I’m not, when it comes to sex we are not looking for the samething in the long term, he says he don’t want a baby but he is to oh its okay it won’t happen free with taking chances. I really do not know how him and the kids are going to mesh. He is great with his daughter and things but his personality I don’t know that they would mesh well or really fall into really having a relationship. Even if we ended up living together I think it always be kind of his and mine and no real closeness even if they got a long great. I could be wrong about that he could be great with them but things he has said and things I just don’t know. He can’t move and we really do want to and have been working towards that again and getting things together. It would be a struggle here still even together to make it.

My friend said but he is a good guy and decent, you known him a long time, he likes you keeps coming back. But like I told her I could be happy with him to a point but it wouldn’t last. I would feel as if I settled just to have someone. She said something about Sleeping Beauty and if it didn’t workout or what. I told her even if I do not end up with either one of them the bigger picture is that I feel I would be compromising so much that I would not be happy in the end and it wouldn’t work. Even if I didn’t and he did then he isn’t going to be happy in the end either. I’m not looking to just see where it will go or whatever happens, happens. I looking for someone that is looking at where we are going to be years down the road and build and plan for that. I don’t see myself building with this one. He just happy the way things are. Its hard to explain.

Like with Mr. To Broken, even though he is starting over and he was looking for someone to build and have something with I wasn’t interested because of his other issues and he just wasn’t my type even if he didn’t have issues. He isn’t into kids and just different things.

With Sleeping Beauty it is different, I can see us both needing things and that we can help eachother to get where we need to be and then what we want. We are simular religion wise. I say that because I am not sure what he “is” for say. I know he is Christian we were talking about going to church amd god before. He maybe Catholic, I am not sure really but just what keeps coming to mind. Maybe he did say at one time I just don’t remember. Either way I think we are close enough it be okay not a huge big deal. Him and the kids hit it off, like eachother and doing things together. They mesh good over all and he can set those boundaries that need to be set and still maintain the relationship. He can and would move if things were right. We both deal with a lot of the samethings. So we understand where eachother are coming from. I see us building a long term relationship vs. Feeling like I am settling and going to be unhappy and it not working out. We want a lot of the samethings.

Regardless of who I meet and end up with I don’t want to feel like I am settling. I know there is going to be compromise in a relationship that isn’t what I mean or talking about. I do not mind that but there are somethings you just can’t do that or it isn’t going to likely turn out well if you do. I think that is part of why if it comes down to my friend vs Sleeping Beauty. Me and Sleeping Beauty are both at a looking for change/fresh start open to anything kind of point in life. Where my “friend” is settled happy with where his life is and just looking for someone to add to it or bring into it. Amd I want more and see what is out there. He has done that and gotten himself to where he is good. Even Mr. To Broken is more settled than I want to be. He can’t move can’t do anything he happy just being here going to work and doing it over every day as long as he has someone there. Im not ready to settle into someone elses ruiten or life and fit in. I want to find that together with someone and build from there.

With RC I was happy and wanted to be with him and loved him. But when it came down to it I lost me trying to be there for him and the kids and doing the things how he wanted. I just kind of moved into his life and found my new routine around him. I don’t want that.

I have not been to bed until 4am or well after in over a month probably. Well I am in bed well before that but not a sleep until then. It is a big deal but it isn’t at the sametime. We have no where to go and no way so it isn’t like we have to get up early. Plus the later I get up the less I have to listen to my mother bitch and raise hell before I go to work. The kids are night owls as well but not up that late. I come home see the kids and me and whomever wants to come crawl into my bed and watch YouTube video’s or listen to songs and talk for a while. Then they leave and I lay here. Mindlessly playing my game, reading news or blogs and filling you all in on what is going on. So all that to say most mornings I am not getting up before 12. I wake up way before that but lay here and do more of what I just finished doing hours before.

Today I was awake off and on just feeling extra tired. The girl from work asked if I wanted to go in with her so I had a ride. I told her no I would get there some way. I would of been 5 hours early and if we weren’t busy I sat there doing nothing and unable to clock in. The owner and his wife were there and the other girl so they didn’t need me.

I decided since it was 10 something I had a ton of time before I had to be at work I would check in see how things were going with trying to sell the truck. I gave him the vin Thursday didn’t hear anything at all Friday.

I messaged and said good morning, asked if the guy had said anything about the truck.

Right away I got a text back, no and I don’t have time to deal with that rite now.

I was really tired falling a sleep, just trying to hold my eyes open. So I wasn’t really thinking beyone no and he is busy, other than I am going to try and sleep one more hour. It was almost daylight when I went to sleep and then was woken up right away and then again when the girl from work messaged me. So an hour uninterrupted sleep was looking good.

I push the phone under my pillow as my eyes slammed shut. As soon as they did I could hear his text like someone reading it to me in my head clear as day. Something said that isn’t right, thats not him the way he says things, something is wrong, something is going on or wrong.

I pulled my phone out and forced my eyes open to look at it again. I’m thinking what is going on for him to say it the way he did? Then I thought about his mom’s husband being sick and what they told him. I thought oh no something happened. I again started not to text him, I figured he was busy being there for his mom or doing what she needed or what. I just felt I needed to say something. I ask if he was okay and what was going on?

I wasn’t expecting what I got back at all. I figured he waa goi n g to say he was helping his mom her husband was sick or what.

No I get…..I am done with life and I mean it this time.

And my day begain just like that. I never even thought about how tired I was or struggle to hold my eyes open at that point.

I asked what was going on? He said he was tired of working for nothing. I told him samething I was saying the other week. He said yeah but I have my kids. That he is a piece of shit. I told him he really isn’t any worse off than anyone else right now. Everyone’s struggling. Its the best thing to do for me and everybody around me. We went back and fourth about having people who care and not to do this. He says his family don’t care he has no friends. Him saying he is struggling. I ask what he was struggling with? Where he was?

I was trying to see if he was home or if he had stayed somewhere here in town Friday. I wanted to know if he was close to me, if I could get there in my truck to talk to him in person. He wouldn’t tell me just, No one needs to know where i am. And, Im good rite where imgoing.

I told him to stop he wasn’t going no where. He said no one cares so for me to stop. Everyone only cares about what he can do for them nothing about him or what he needs.

I was upset and mad because I ask all the time how he is, how things are and all that. He never says he needs or wants anything. He knows if I can help I will. I told him, You know i do you know your family does. People care you just try to push them away keep them at arms length. So you can tell yourself they don’t.

I ask where he was what he needed again. He said why do you want to know where I am?  I said because all you have said someone needs to know where you. I said something about needs I ask him if he got something

{June 14, 2018}   Trying To Be Perfect For You

Me, Bff and her aunt went out tonight like we do most Wednesday nights. Just sat talked listen to everyone sing. Bff is going away this weekend for a week so it is probably the last I will see of her for a couple weeks.

Mr. To Broken started messaging her they were talking. I do not know if he knew we were together or not but then he started calling me when I was getting dropped back off at my truck.

I answered to see what he wanted, I should of known better. He started telling me how lonely he is, how upset he is that he has no one. Same old same. I been in a mood so I was not so nice I guess you would say. I wasn’t mean or rude but I didn’t just listen and let him ramble like I do a lot of times or tell him some one will come a long.

I told him he needs to work on him, he needs to work through all the hurt and abuse he has been through and give himself time to heal. He needs to learn to learn to be happy in life alone and to do things to make himself happy regardless if he is with someone.

I asked him a simple question, well I thought was simple. He could not answer it at all. I asked him a side from wanting a girlfriend, partner, someone to love or someone in your life to love or get love from what do you want in life? What other things do you want to have? Achieve? Have? Goals? Plans? What do you want for yourself? You and your children? Simply other than that person to share life with what would make you happy? Everytime it was someone to… other half….always first thing was someone. The only thing was someone. No matter how much I stressed the part of nothing to do with someone else being involved he could not do it.

I said look I been where you are and that is part of the reason things did not work between me and RC. I was looking for someone to love, someone to love me, someone to make me happy. When that all blew up in my face I was worse than when me and peter pan split up. I was devastated. But I realised that I had not fixed myself before jumping into things with him. I was ready to move on but not truly ready. I had not dealt with or processed the abuse and everything I had been through. I had not given myself that time to heal. I had not given myself that time to find myself and who I was now, to figure out what I wanted, and needed in life. I had not figured out or gotten to know this new person I had become over the years throughout my marriage. From having kids to being abused to dealing with that and the a divorce and things. It all changes you. You don’t even know it or notice until your forced to take a good look at yourself.

I said I figured out I needed to get a place of my own for me and the kids, I needed to get a good vehicle, a job and to do something to try to better things for me and the kids so I started school. I decided my life was a mess and I needed to straighten it out and fix it and me and be happy before I could bring someone else into the picture.

He still just did not get it! He started telling me how he needed and wanted that other person there to do for and try for and to do his best for and all this. I said but it isn’t about doing for someone else and making someone else happy or getting their approval in order to be happy. You should do for yourself and kids and want to do the best you can for them and you. Make yall happy.

He starts with but you don’t understand and don’t you want someone to do their best for you and take care of things for you whatever it is big or small and know that no matter what its all taken care of?

I said no, because that isn’t what I am looking for. I am not looking for someone to come in and take care of everything for me and spend all their time trying to do everything for me and please me. I said okay yes I guess some girls want that. But I don’t, I guess I am just to use to making it happen and getting stuff done on my own. That to me isn’t what a relationship is. I want someone to get things done together take care of it as a team. Not one person doing it all and trying to get the others approval. He got all aggravated. Said I need to losen up and relax give someone a chance. He was just trying to show me what a man should do. Like I said in my last post its nice to have a man who can handle things and who will if they need to but at the sametime just wants to do it together. That can look many different ways depending on the couple and the situation or time they are in, at that point in their relationship.

He finaly said don’t you want to be friends with someone get to know them and build a relationship from there and see how it goes? Have it turn into more? I said yeah i guess. He said thats what I am trying to do and you keep on. I said but you have to be interested in eachother first and want the samethings and at least be close to wanting the samethings or being on the same page and we aren’t. If you would just tell me what you want what I need to do or not do so I can just do it. I have done and trying to do everything I can to be perfect for you! He says.

I said there is no being perfect for me, we just aren’t looking for the samethings. He started to say something he said I just don’t get you. You say you want a decent guy and I am right here and you say no. Its late I got to go to bed we will talk about it some more tomorrow. I laughed and said okay good night.

I do not know how to make him see this is never going to work. That even though I am looking for a decent guy and he thinks he is that there is more to it than that. Besides again I have told him I have feelings for someone else and that I am trying to figure out how to handle that and the right time.

I just want to message him be like look, being desperate, having no confidence, doing everything to get people to like you, bragging about what you have or have had and complaining about your kids everytime you have them are all very unattractive. Having no goals, dreams or reason to have a life if you do not have someone to be with isn’t either. There just is no nice way to put it. But I am really, really, really over hearing about how lonely he is, how he wants to find someone to love and to love him and to do and take care of everything for them. And how he is so angry and upset I don’t want anything to do with him and him trying to change that of push me into it.

You would think he would be trying to get out of his parents house and get a place for him and the kids. All he does is complain about it there. That he be trying to find a different stable full time job. He be trying to get things set up and have a life like he complains he don’t have.

{June 22, 2016}   Open Minded

I am being told I need to be more open minded when it comes to meeting someone and having more kids. I was talking to a few people lately and we were talking about when I meet someone. If I do there are something they should know upfront I have said it before 1) What are they looking for? I’m not looking for a night, a while it last or until something better comes along. I’m in it for more than jumping in bed so unless it goes to something besides dating then don’t be thinking we are going to be jumping in bed because we went out or you came over.  I am not looking to jump into a relationship I truly want to take my time. We can go on a date when we are both free or whatever, but we aren’t going to spend every free minute we have together either. If I want to talk to someone else I am going to and they are free to do the same. 2) Do they have kids already and do they want kids? I don’t mind someone who has kids it is pretty much a given that if I meet someone they are going to have kids and that’s fine. But I don’t want to meet your kids, not that I don’t want to meet them at all but I don’t want to meet them anytime soon. You can’t meet mine anytime soon either. I don’t want to have anymore kids and it isn’t really open for debate I don’t want to have anymore of my own. I would like to adopt and/or do foster care so that is something they would have to be open to as well.

If this is to much for them to understand handle or whatever upfront and it “scares” them off that is fine too. I don’t see nothing wrong with knowing what I want and making it known upfront. Why do I want to date someone end up in a relationship with them and then we find that they really want to have more kids or want a kid? I don’t care how much I care about them or how long we have been together I’m not having more. Why let it get that far before talking about it then everyone ending up hurt because now it isn’t going to work out because we want different things.

I thought it was great the other night when one of the first things he said was I don’t know how you feel but I want another child. I want to be with someone who can have more and wants more. It didn’t offend me or bother me. Surprised me  a little but like I said I really didn’t think he would want anymore and I thought I had said before I didn’t. But maybe he thought I was just saying it at the moment because everything that was going on, or maybe he thought that if I ended up with someone that wanted more I would have more, I really don’t know. But the fact that he is saying upfront says to me he is really looking for more and if he is going to take the time to date and things then he wants to make sure they want the same things.

I really can’t see why it wasn’t a big deal he just came out and said I like you but these things are important to me and I want to know how you feel about them. But when I say if a guy is interested then he needs to know these things it’s a big deal.

I also do not know why I need to be more open minded at this stage of the game and be willing to consider having more kids when I don’t want to? Explain that to me. If I wanted more kids and I already have 4 and figuring the guy I meet is going to have at least one, everyone would be saying I was crazy. That I already had 4 how many more did I need. I already hear it when I say I would like to adopt. But because someone is interested that wants more I should be open minded. I was open minded when I met RC. I didn’t want more at that point but agreed if things worked out then we could try for another. But it was something we both wanted not just one of us. I knew I wouldn’t mind another but if we hadn’t I wouldn’t have been ok with that too. But we had 7 kids between us and 5 of them full time. So in away I gained two more if we had stayed together.

I just find it funny that when I’m talking with others and this comes up and I say I don’t want anymore everyone says I need to be open minded. What if he don’t have kids and wants one of his own or wants one together? Then I’m not the one for him and he isn’t the one for me. I am almost 36 years old I have lived my life compromising and thinking about others all my life and look where it has gotten me. It’s not like I am not willing to compromise and I know a relationship is give and take and it’s about being a team and doing whats best as a hole. But we aren’t talking about a relationship we are talking about making it clear upfront things that are deal breakers, no go’s, not up for debate or whatever you want to call them. This is how I feel about x,y and z if you feel different I am not willing to compromise nor do I want you to. Then why start a relationship knowing we feel different about x,y and z and and it is a deal breaker for both of us? Like I said why do we need to date forever and see if it starts to turn into something before we put it out there even. Why date and let feelings and all that even start then go oh we been seeing each other and think we want to take it farther but first how do you feel about these things?

I don’t think I should be expected to be open minded or worry that I am being to forward and upfront by bringing it up. It’s not like if someone came up and started talking I’m going to cut them off and be like oh wait before I talk to you I need to know how you feel about these things. But I am sure they are things that would come up maybe not right away but after a date or two should be brought up if not.

{January 25, 2015}   Re: How Do You Decide

As you all know from How Do You Decide I been talking to a my friend again. I can’t decide if it is the wrong person at the right time for them, the right person the wrong time for me, the right person at the right time, if it’s just whatever when ever nothing much kind of thing. I just don’t know maybe I am looking to much into it.

I don’t know I know there were things said in the past and then dropped and things were said and we didn’t talk for a while. Then I met RC. Things weren’t supposed to be any more than just friends. But then he said things and then it just got avoided. Never brought back up. He said something that made me mad and I told him off and we didn’t talk for a while. Then we started talking here and there again and have since. But never more than just talking and it still never comes up.

The other night we were talking and he said something about not having new pictures. I said I hadn’t taken any in a while. He said how are you going to meet a man if you don’t have pictures to show. I send a huge laughing smiley face and said it hadn’t really been to high on my list. Of-course then he asked, why? I just said I want to but I need to make me happy with my life before I can think about being with someone else and having a relationship. And that I wanted to take things slow not rush into anything. That I didn’t want the kids to know I was seeing anyone or who I didn’t want meet their kids. At least for a while. That things went pretty fast last time and I didn’t do and take care of things I needed or wanted too. I said I should be ready in a month or so. If that made since.

He said yeah it did. I asked him what about him. He said he had talked to, went out with and hooked up with a few but none that really took care of his needs. So he was still looking. We talked and things off and on for a few days. One night I asked him so what needs do you have that haven’t been meet? That you are looking for someone for? He hasn’t responded since then. He hasn’t responded to something I sent before that but I figured he would after work then I sent that. I said something to him yestreday about going to do some stuff and then I would be free tomorrow evening. I told him to text me since he wasn’t on line much. Later I told him I was out and free I could come by. But I haven’t heard anything still. I know he seen what I said about needs but he hasn’t seen what I said after that.

He said a few times this week about coming over and getting together Saturday. But then nothing. So I am not sure what is going on. Last night wasn’t a really good night any way but thought I would stop over just talk and hang out.

I don’t know what to think now. Wonder if he got his daughter for the weekend but I have been over before when she was there. She knows me but then again he may not want her to tell her mom I was there either or that we are talking. She knows I watched her and things. Or maybe he has decided that it just isn’t the right time with everything going on with my dad and me saying that I wasn’t really ready for a relationship but maybe in a few months.

I don’t know, it would be nice now but I don’t want to mess things up either with all that is going on. But he is really pretty understanding. The main thing is with farther of the year and trying to get him out.

We were talking about it the other night he asked me to come over I told him I couldn’t he said he could come to me I told him he was here it wouldn’t be good. He laughed he said I can make him leave for you. I told him he is going to do something because if he don’t then I am going too I am not going to play this game any more. I will start calling the police when he starts his shit again and wants to punch holes in the walls and do the things he has been doing. Then they will tell him he can’t come back. So he better decide he wants to get a place now on his own before he is out and has no where to go and in trouble.

I am just done just like that night there is no reason he shouldn’t have been able to come over hang out and talk. Other people I want to have over or do things with and I can’t because he is here. Even just to do a dinner or what because it is to awkward for everyone knowing the way things are.

{January 22, 2015}   How Do You Decide

You know sometimes the right person comes along at just the right time when things are happening in life. Then other times the wrong person comes along at the right time for them when things are happening in life.

I have been trying to decide which way around it is at this time in my life and with this person. We have been friends since way back about 15 years or so. But not close per-say. We hung out a lot back in the day, then didn’t see each other for years and have hung out off and on for the last 4 or 5 years. I don’t know why we talk here and there even when we don’t hang out but not to much. Then all of a sudden they pop back in the picture and we talk more for a while or hang out. A lot of times it is when things are not going so great that they tend to be around more. It really dose help to have them to talk to like now with things the way they are with my dad. They been through it with their mom. Not sure how much or what but I know they lost their mom she was sick for a while before hand. They all live around here so she was close by. We started talking again for the first time in a long time around the time me and father of the year split up. They going through the same Thing. We have talked other times here and there as well. Really over the last 4 or 5 years we talk several times a year through out the year. How you doing where you at now how are things or what.

But we kind of have a past as well. Things were said never followed up on or through with. I never knew why or what happen. More of a miss understanding. I have helped them out since then we have talked and things and it has never been brought up. I wonder why things happen the way they did but haven’t brought it up. We both said things and it just was what it was.

But then I wonder what is the motive this time. Is it just to get what they want and that’s it. Or do they really want something else and if they do how do I feel about it or want? I just don’t know and then I think do I really want know? I don’t know if I really want to know or care. I wonder but don’t feel that I really care one way or the other about it. Then I think if that wrong that I don’t care? Should I care? Do I really need to as long as we are both fine with things how ever they are and end up?

Then I wonder what if it is the right person but it is the wrong time? What if it is the right person and I let things go and screw them up? What if it is the right person and I try to ad this on top of everything that is going on and it don’t work? Am I going to feel like I messed it up and its my fault? I am I over thinking this and stupid because they aren’t thinking about anything more than what they have in mind and that’s it?

How do you know when it is the right person at the right time? It there really ever a right time? Is there really a right person is it any more pretty much the person for this time or the person at this time? Because I feel a lot lately I am just the person for the time. I do and I don’t feel this way about this one. I mostly just don’t care but then there is that wonder.

et cetera
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