A Wasted Life

Do you ever just think about how old you are and look at your life and wonder how you are at this point? Or what you did with your life? I know that birthday’s are a big point in a lot of peoples lives and they really stop and think about this kind of things when different ones hit. Like wow I’m 21 I can do everything now, or I’m about to be 25 maybe I need to slow down and make some plans. The next thing you know your turning 30 or 36. This I think is the point that a lot of people start to really question life and what they are doing and have done.

I don’t know why but maybe because of when my birthday is and not really celebrating it at all hardly since I have gotten older I just never really put much thought into my birthday or really looked at the big picture I guess you could say. But for some reason lately I have really been thinking about being 38 and how close 40 is. Maybe it is the guys and the comments they have been making about being older or getting older and things that has me thinking about it. Talking to Mr. Responsible and Sleeping Beauty lately and them talking about getting old or being old. They are only 43 and 45. Then talking to my cousin the other night about meeting someone and having kids and all that. He said he wants another baby and things. We were talking about not wanting to have them to late in life. I said I as done but that he was still young and things. I think just a big mix of it all really has had it on my mind the last week or so and a lot the last few days.

Thinking about it all, I think I feel the way I do because of shutting down and being in that survivor mode for so long. You feel you just have to get through this or that and that you will have time when everything calms down to live life and do the things you want, meet that person, move, enjoy your kids, get that job or whatever it is that at the time seems like a little thing that can be put off because it isn’t as important as what you are doing or have to do right now. When in reality they are the big things that should be taken care of now and not put off until later.

Like my friend said do this and that and let the rest work it’s self out. You have to live life. I wasn’t I was just surviving because I felt that if I didn’t keep going and I tried to do anything other than get by everything was going to crash down on me. It was but I felt that I had a little control if I just kept pushing through and put everything on the back burner. Even if I did crash and burn miserably no one could say I didn’t try or give it my all. It was because of anything I didn’t do.

But now I think about meeting someone and all the time it takes to put into getting to know someone and then trying to have and build a relationship and I think by the time I find someone and get the to the getting to know and trying to build how old am I going to be? What if it don’t work out? Then I’m even older to start over again. I wonder is it even worth it? That I should of been doing this before now not sitting and trying to get my life straight and get me set first. But then if I didn’t where would I be and how many relationships down would I be, because i messed things up or what. I look at the guys that I have met and the ones that try to talk to me and things I wonder if I will ever meet someone and be happy. If I will ever get the things and have the things I want in life.

I wonder how do I teach my kids to live their lives and not worry about what others think of them, how to live life and not just get though their day or worry about surviving rather than living? I don’t want my kids waking up on the cusp of 40 and feel that they have wasted their lives.

I know that 40 isn’t that old, 45 isn’t either but it just seems like the reality of a new chapter and phase of life is starting. your not having kids and all that anymore. Your kids are about grown or well on the way and your starting to send kids to college and prepare for them to start families and all that. Your on your way to having that empty nest and being on your own. Why unlike Bff who would like more kids and others who want more. That isn’t what I am  looking for and I am happy my kids are getting older and independent. I don’t want to start over. But I guess it’s the being alone and not having that other half there to share things with and grow “old” with and the magnitude of the effects of putting life on hold all that time is really setting in.

I also been thinking about the friends I had before and all that I use to do with and for the kids and with friends and things and the fact that I isolated myself so much back when everything happen with me and ex and how I don’t have those relationships anymore and I want those kinds of relationships again.

If I Didn’t Waste My Money

The other night me and Little Bitty were laying in bed and she was being something else. I finally said look here you are not a princess and you are going to stop acting like it. Because that is how she has been lately. Like she is entitled to whatever she wants when she wants how she wants. And the being mean to her brother, the things she says to him and the way she treats him and then just like flipping a switch she is all nice and wants to play again. I told her all this is going to stop right now.

Well when I said she wasn’t a princess she came even more unglued. Is that possible? I don’t know but lord she freaked out she was the princess and I was going to buy her that princess car she keeps seeing at the store too.

I told her she was not getting that car even if she did act like a princess. This is a $400 power wheel car. I am not spending that kind of money on something like that. Surely not the way she has been acting I wouldn’t if I had it. I never said anything about money at all to her just that I was not buying that car.

She says to me if you didn’t waste all your money, you would have the money to buy me that car.

I had to catch myself and stop for a minute and get it together because that just went all through me in some kind of way. I finally in a second was able to ask her what she was talking about me wasting my money?

She said all the time when you go to the store always buying food. If you didn’t buy all that food every time we went to the store you would have the money to buy me that car I want.

I was still beyond mad but had to laugh a little. I know where the wasting the money is coming from and while I am mad at her I was more mad at the Bitch because that is the shit she says all the time. That I waste my money and in front of the kids and they don’t know and to little to understand right now. If I wasted my money who pays the rent and bills? Sine I am the only one paying them then where do I get all this extra money to waste and what am I wasting it on? Because other than my Wednesday night I am home or work. Everyone says it, you have no life all you do is work and home.

The fact that she said every time I go to the store I waste it on all that food we buy should tell you that the only time I go to the store is to shop for food and get the things they need. I guess I am supposed to just not feed them and use that money to buy them all the things they want. Oh the joys of being 5 and innocent.

Hell I seen a nice purse I liked while I was i there wasting my money making sure they had what they needed for today since they were off from school and I have to work 12 hours. I put it in my cart and was going to get it because I could really use one and a nice I haven’t bought a purse in a few years now and they were at the thrift store for a couple dollars. I ended up putting it back because I didn’t want to spend the $10 and I felt it wasn’t that great of a deal it was only marked down $4. I wouldn’t normally buy it I would wait to see if it dropped lower but it was the only one they had left like it. I thought I would go ahead and get it since I could use one and still put it back. I even put the $5 wallet I needed back. I was debating what one to buy since the one was cheaper.

I ended up buying two robes for $3 each and picked up a shirt for $3 that I liked. I got Big boy a robe because I figured he might like to have one he had one before and outgrew it he is older now. He may like to use it to go between the bathroom and bedroom instead of getting dressed in the bathroom but he didn’t want it once i got it home. I picked the other up for my Grandpa for his birthday in a couple months. It is nice and I would end up spending a lot more in a few weeks if I didn’t get it then. I figure I will take the other back or hang it in the closet and use it as a gift for someone else down the road.

I was just floored when she said that about wasting my money though. She has been giving me a rally hard time about everything and just being off the chain. I am to a point if her dad was in the picture I would of already told him he needed to come and get her for a couple weeks so I could have a break because I don’t even want to be around her anymore at this point. I hate to feel that way about my kids.

I know some of it is because I am the only one doing it all and we get tired of each other. I am sure she feels like I am always getting on to her more than anything. I know a lot of it is her age and testing boundaries, part of it is I am working so much and not getting to spend as much time with them as they would like. And the fact she wants her dad in the picture and he isn’t and she can’t talk to him or see him. I think she blames me for it or feels that I am keeping her from him.

I talked to the doctor about things the other morning while we were there and she said she is going to recommend her for counseling and gave me papers to fill out and one for her teacher to fill out. I am sure that between me and her teacher we are going to have two different papers because she is like a different kid at school and home.

Wasted

The insurance money that was left after we did everything for my dad came in this week. My brother did give me half of it. I have already went through over a grand in 24 hours. I bought the boys a new bed that they really need. My oldest got a bedroom set when we moved in our last place. The boys got loft bed where the twin pulls from under it. It has the stair steps on the side and it takes up a ton of room. They are using two older chest for their clothes. My oldest got a a twin bed, chest and desk with hutch for her room. My oldest son needs a bigger bed than a twin, he is over 100 pounds and tall. I got a nice wood bunk bed with twin on top and full on bottom.  boysbedI have a tall chest that I think they can share to put their clothes in. That will give them more room in their room and hopefully help keep it picked up looking nicer. I think I am going to sell their chest as well because I don’t think they are going to need them with the one big one I don’t want to re due them.

I really wanted to get me a bedroom set. I have a mattress and box spring that was my dads and just the old metal rails it sits on. I have been looking on line at some and I went yesterday to some stores to look at some. I found a set that I love but they want almost $2200 for it. I was not in the market to spend near that much. I figured I spent around $700 or so. But every where I look it is about the same price. I don’t think it is anything that great. It is nice ibut to me it is simple for the price. I could see $1000 but not the $2200. The bed is pretty big it has storage under it. mybed

I just don’t know I feel that I shouldn’t spend that much on a bedroom set for myself. I feel I should use the money to get something for the living room I hate my couch I plan to sell it and use that to help get something if I did change it. Or I should just forget it and pay rent or something with it. Then yesterday after I got done shopping and dropped my friend off around 7/8 last night I headed home. I got about 5 miles or less from her house and heard this horrible noise from the truck. I looked up seen something flying to the side of the road from my truck. I got off in the turning lane and shut it off right a way. I thought my back passenger side tire blew but when I got around there it hadn’t. I could see the front tire it wasn’t flat. I started to freak I thought that it must be coming from the motor. I walked back down the street to see what it was that flew off. I found rubber and metal I knew it was from my truck because it was hot. I thought it was a belt at first. I went back to the truck and got down under it to see what I could see and that is was when I seen the tire on the front passenger side. It wasn’t flat but it was coming a part. It ripped the plastic from the fender up it was stuck up on it it ripped the plastic from under the bumper.

I called me friend her husband answered the phone. I told him something happen my tire was coming apart and messed the truck all up. They came down to where I was at he got everything all unwrapped. He tried to put it back but it also messed up the running board bent part of the metal in toward the bottom of the truck and ripped the other part out away from the truck. The plastic wouldn’t even line up right to bolt it up out of the way. He had to push it around and get at least a bolt in to hold it. He got the tire changed. Now I have to take it somewhere and see if I can get everything bent out where it should be. I am going to take it to my grandpa and see if he can do it for me. So today I went and got all new tires. I knew it needed tires but looking at them I figured I could get about a year out of them. The tread seemed good. But I guess they had sat so they were dry rotted worse than I thought. Between that and getting it aliened was almost $700. Then I took and got the boys me and the baby some clothes. We all need clothes really bad. Its been a little while since I bought new ones. I still need to get one some shorts the other a few more shorts and my baby girl some other stuff. She got a outfit and a dress. I haven’t gotten my big girl anything yet. I had sat $200 a side for other stuff I need for the house.

I just wish I didn’t feel so guilty about spending money even when it is on things we need. I really wish I didn’t feel guilty about spending it on something for myself for once. I never buy myself anything. I did get the truck with my tax money. Then I say well I got that I shouldn’t spend this on. But that is for the kids too so they have room so they aren’t riding with everything piled on them when we go food shopping or have to take things with us when we go somewhere.

I really like to skip the bed and everything else and put the money into starting a business. But it isn’t that much I have no idea where to start trying to open a business with so little.

I’m just still feeling over whelmed too. Father of the year is supposed to be leaving and he hasn’t yet he has put money out to move and still here. He hasn’t done what he is supposed to here. I am still not doing to great since all this has happen with my dad. I feel odd spending the money even. But I want it to go toward stuff that we need not to just get wasted here and there on whatever. I feel so far that I have wasted it on tires and the bed. I feel I shouldn’t need that money to buy them I should be able to just go buy them or that I shouldn’t have bought the truck I should have used that money for the bed and other things the kids needed.

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