{April 28, 2018}   Interested or Not

I still do not know what to think about Starfish and how I feel. Part of me says ignore it just keep being friends and see how things go. It’s not the right time. Part of me says he isn’t interested and just needs a friend. I really don’t think that is 100% right because of things he has said and comments he has made. I feel like I should say something just put it out there this is how I feel, where do I stand, how do you feel? I feel that we are both beating around the bush scared what the other is going to to say if we come out and say how we really feel or what we want. Niether of us wants to take that jump and end up shot down and hurt. Then things change between us and us stop being friends or what.

Something keeps saying tell him, talk to him, let him know how you feel before he thinks I’m not interested. But I don’t know how to do that. I have never been the one to approach first, even if I am interested. If they don’t approach me first then we don’t talk or what. I know that is probably bad and that there are guys I have been interested in before that were as well but they never said anything and I didn’t either.

I just don’t know I honestly have not had feelings like this for someone since R.C. and that kind of scares me I think.

The not being sure he is interested makes it hard. But I really think he is, the little comments at the shop, the reactions he have when I come in there all dressed from my internships.

Since we been talking since he lost his job this time and comments that have been made things said. Just like his comment about porn and a girl. He never said anything like that. I think it was to see if i would say something then like I was interested. Later the comment he made about I knew it felt good laying there with him that night. The one about not going to the beach I hadn’t ask him to go. Then telling me about goimg over to that girls house then not going.

When we talking about the kids him saying he misses them and it said what my oldest said abbout him. Then to say if only the little one would like him like that. Why does he still care how she feels about him or want her to like him if he isn’t ever around or don’t plan or want to be? Just like him saying I don’t want to tell you, you will be mad at me, I don’t want you to be mad at me, oh and his favorite don’t yell at me.

To me it seems he is thinking more than friends. The don’t yell at me or I don’t want you to be mad at me even though he is worried I am going to be he being honest and telling me. I know he didn’t tell me a lot before he avoid it or just say I’m not talking about it or what. Or tell me the less I knew the better or he was trying to protect me. Just like his arm I do not think he would of ever told me before. I think now he trying to see how I really respond if he tells me. Am I going to get mad yell or am i going to be concerned. Will we just talk about it or yell. If that makes since. He makes comments how us women are or us gilrs and you women. I stop him real fast tell him um no it might be what your use to but not how I am at all. He gets quiet don’t say anything. I think he starting to see.

I just don’t know I feel I need to tell him, I am supposed to tell him, that this time around if I want something to happen it’s up to me to make the move. Then I think about the comment he made Thursday about not even looking for a girl and fixing hiself. I feel it be wasting my time telling him. Maybe I am supposed to tell him but nothing is going to come of it right now. But he will know how I feel and where I stand? I just don’t know. I am more confused than ever. I have almost said something to him a few times before I caught it. I feel I need to see him in person and talk to him now in text or over the phone. But I don’t know how to approach it really.

I almost feel like I am back in school when all the girls be trying to figure out if the guy likes her. I never really that way, I never really cared if they did and they said something great if not who cares. But like I said I know he does to a point its just all I been through in the past I am extra cautious because I don’t want to get hurt.

He made a comment when he told me about the girl that wanted him to come over. I said you don’t sound thrilled. He said I have nothing to offer and I have a very high thick ass wall up after all I been through.

I said we all have them to a point but it just means that we are more careful when deciding if something is what we really want and if we are willing to let someone in. When we do decide to let them in we aren’t just testing the waters or see what happens. We know what we want out of it and he never said anything back. Just he didn’t go.

We talked a little yesterday not a lot. I told him I didn’t get the job and things. He wanted to know why. I said I was done I was tired. He said just keep doing the two I am doing not give up or something. I know he was busy trying to get his medications and he was going with his mom and them out of town for a wedding this weekend. So we didn’t talk after that. I went to bed early around 10. I was woke up by the kids it was 12 on the dot. Little one was getting in bed. I went right back to sleep. I woke up this morning seen he messaged me about 10 minutes later I never heard it. I was out, I been sleeping better on this new medication. I messaged him good morning but haven’t heard anything. But the wedding is today, not sure what time. I am sure there is all the family there and things so I figure I will hear from him later tonight when things calm down. I message him when I wake up he messages through out the day here and there when he gets up just touch base whats going on or what. Then at night once we both made it to bed and we don’t have a ton of things going on or take care of we can just sit and talk we do. Until one of us falls a sleep or starts to, then we say so and we go to bed.

I am going to see if he wants to go look at that place this week. If so then I will set something up. Maybe we can talk then. I ask if he wanted to yesterday he said he couldn’t. I said okay. He said I have to go out of town to that wedding and things remember? I thought it was a few weeks ago when they took things over there. I guess they were just getting things together. He was telling me the other night his mom was cooking for it and things. I just wasn’t thinking about it. I have a lot to think about.

{March 22, 2016}   Flexible Job

I have been racking my brain and searching like crazy trying to find some kind of job that I can do from home or something I can start to work from home. Last week I went and met with a man about renting a space to open a store. The space was a small space but it is in a high traffic area for kids and their parents. That is great since I want to sell children s things. It was very reasonably priced, He only wanted $300 a month for rent and that included lights and water. But then I started checking into other things I would need and the things I would need just to fix the place up a little. It had to be painted and I needed a large rug for the floor then just some shelves. I checked into all the licenses I would need and crunched numbers with money and I just didn’t feel I could do it. I would need it to start making money from the start, no time to wait for it to start making money. Right now I would need it to pay the rent for the shop, my rent at home, all the sales and other taxes on top of a phone. If I done it I would have nothing left to fall back on. The guy was supper nice and really wanted me to take the space. I was really studying if I could have enough room and looking around. He asked what was  wrong if the rent was to much what I would need to rent it. I told him I was wanting to make sure that it would give me enough room. We were talking about what it would cost to move in, he had said first last and deposit, then he said lets just say first and deposit we don’t need to worry about last I trust you and think it will be fine. I told him I had to think about it. After I got home and crunched the numbers I just couldn’t do it.

The space would not have given me room to take the kids with me I would have to have a sitter and that would have added to what I needed to make every month. Right now would have been ok because Father of the year isn’t working but I can’t count on that. I was hoping to have something with a small office space I could set a room up for them to play and do school work.

I am back to looking and trying to find something, I have all the time in the world and little money. Story of my life it seems. I have thought about one of these where you sell stuff but I really don’t know who would buy it. My friends and family are just not into that kind of thing. It kind of reminds me of the kids who get sent home from school with the fliers to sell stuff. I did try it once and no one showed up and the company went out of business before I even got to try and make anything of it. It really sucked and kind of turned me off to that kind of thing. All though I think if I could do good if I could find something to buy and sell or make and sell that you don’t have to be to crafty to do. I am not crafty. Even if I could find something to sell on Etsy or Ebay. Even if it didn’t bring in a ton of money right away I wouldn’t have all the expenses.

I was going to become a Notary before and just never did it. I was looking into it the other night and if you are a notary you can also pay and take a class to be a signing agent for loans. I am thinking about doing it. I would get the information emailed or mailed to me, they would give me the information for the people who need to sign and then I would contact them and meet with them to get everything done. Once it is done I would make sure it got back to the office that asked me to do the job. I would just have to make sure it is all done right and turned in on time. I would travel to the people and set up a time that works best for them and me to go. From what I have found they make between $250 to $300 sometimes more depending how far away it is and how big of a package of information and things. I have also read that it is a sellers market in my area right now and that there are not many homes in the area for sale. But it isn’t just for people buying it is for refinance and things as well.

As a notary I can do weddings, so I have been giving this a lot of thought the last few nights. I think I am going to become a notary, advertise to do weddings. I make $30 for doing the wedding then travel fees depending how far away it is how long I have to be there and things. I am thinking of doing this really advertising for them and other normal notary things. Putting all the money but what it cost me for gas away to take the class to do the other. Or just taking it and hope to make the money back quickly. I will have to decide tonight. It won’t cost as much as opening the store but still about $400 for the class a license and everything.

et cetera
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