{December 18, 2019}   Inches not Pounds

I think I am losing inches but not pounds right now. As a matter of fact I know I have gained some weight back. I am over 130 and was under. I think I may have gained around 6 to 10 pounds back. not at all worried about it really. I really am okay with where I am as long as I don’t gain anymore. I wouldn’t like to be no more than 130 my goal was 120. So I could stand to lose a little to stay at the 130. But not a big deal to me right now.

My pants still fit I’m not having to go up a size. Really they are lose still and feeling bigger. This and just looking at myself the other day when I was getting dressed out of the shower I look like my waste is smaller maybe not my waste for say but my torso over all looks smaller. I thought how do I look so much smaller but gained weight but then I thought about muscle weighing more than fat and how you can lose inches but not pounds. I know how it all works but it has been a while but that is what has to come into play here. some how some way. or maybe I just seeing things through rose colored glasses. But I feel better and have noticed my pants feel bigger and I can slide my jeans off and on without unzipping or buttoning them pretty easily.

As long as I don’t gain I will be alright with whatever is happening.

{August 8, 2019}   I Have Become A………

Stress eater, since I am not home and stuck at work sitting at a desk all day and night I can’t sleep when I am depressed or stressed out. It hit me today I am now eating to replace the not being able to sleep.

That as you can see is the XL candy bar I sat here and ate yesterday while stressing about everything.

Today I had to go to the social security office before work, that didn’t go over well. Not the news I wanted to hear or went there to even get really. While waiting on them to sort things out and wait for someone to come over and help the guy that was helping me I ended up being late for work. Why not be later and stop and get food. I didn’t really want food I wanted coffee. But I didn’t even feel like getting out of the car to get coffee so I went though the drive through. I don’t like their coffee I was going to get tea. Then I seen the other places on the other side of the parking lot and figured what the hell may as well get a milkshake. Why your at it make it a large too.

That turned in to two roast-beef sliders and curly fries to go with it. All I have left is the shake and I feel sick because I wasn’t even hungry hardly ever eat this early and nothing like that. Now I just want to curl up and go to sleep and I have to make phone calls find the guys work and just be awake because I’m at work. I slept better last night than I had in a while but it was still hard to get up and I am still so tired.

{August 6, 2019}   7 Pound Gain

So I weighed myself the other day and I have gained 7 pounds. Thats horrible but really if I am honest not surprising. I have been eating a lot more lately. I always feel hungry, and that is new for me because hardly ever did I in the past.

I have been eating more junk between jobs because I’m not eating at home. I don’t eat in the mornings to often and at night it’s what I grab on the go between jobs. Most the time I grab something small or light. Lately it has been a lot of fast food. It stuck.

I felt like I probably had gained a few but then one of my new pair of pants didn’t fit. I figured maybe 5 or close. Was not expecting to see 7 almost 8.

I have to start watching what I eat start shopping for food and bringing it with me. Stop spending money out. I now have 17lbs to lose to get to my goal.

I think part of it is my depression trying to take my mind off things when I am bored can’t stop thinking all the time.

{July 1, 2019}   Weight Loss Update

Last 4th of July I went down to a size 8 in jeans. Over the last year I had made my way down to a 6. About 2 weeks a go one morning I got up and needed pants to wear. (Long day/nigh laundry didn’t get done) I grabbed a pair out of a bag bff gave me. They looked small, I looked at the size and they were. I decided to try them anyway because the ones I have been wearing are starting to fall off. I put them on and they fit perfectly. They are the best fitting pair of jeans that I have had in years.

Best of all, they are a size 4!!! I have not been in a size 4 since high school probably. I pulled some more out that were 4s and they all fit.

I have noticed the last few days that they are feeling lose even out of the drier but I haven’t tried a size smaller yet. I started to when I put the 4’s on but they fit so good and put me in such a good mood, I didn’t want to be disappointed. I truely don’t think I am down that much yet. I may try a pair this week just to see how much more I would need to lose before I go down another size. I have not weighed myself in a while, the last time I did I was under 130lbs less than 10lbs to my goal. I figure at this point I may go down one more size but that is it. Really I don’t want to go smaller than that. I am fine if I stay where I am as long as I don’t gain any and hit my goal weight.

Maybe I will weigh in and try a smaller size on this week.

{May 13, 2019}   8lbs More

With all the walking I have done the last two weeks I have lost 8lbs. Not a lot but pretty good still. I have less than 15 lbs. to my goal weight. I am excited.

In the last two weeks I had coffee three days I think it was. When Pops gave me rides or picked me up. He would say coffee? I say sure stop we will get coffee and I would get us one. It was the large but I didn’t finish them all. I had a big bottle of tea the first Monday after my 4.5 mile walk and then a couple of glasses this past Thursday. When me and Special K went to dinner.

I am up to about 48 oz of water a day if I don’t have coffee. Think that is pretty good since I never drank water before. Now to be drinking 24 to 48 oz a day.

Oldest said pretty soon I am going to be stealing her clothes.

I can’t wait to walk into court Wednesday and see Father of the Year. He has not seen me since I loss all the weight I have. After him talking about how nasty some one in the size I was in would be or was.

{May 6, 2019}   Looking Healthy and Drugs

Last night me and the girls took a cab to the store to make sure they had what they needed for the week. Then took one home.

On the way home my Good Friend messaged me and said something about being on the phone and fighting with someone on the phone. Always on it fighting with someone I think he said. I asked what he was talking about? I didn’t see him he said he just walked by me at the store I was on the phone looked mad. I said I was just in a mood and not fighting on the phone.

He replied your always in a bad mood or something like that. I said no not really, I been doing really good for a long time until the last week here. We started talking about the truck and everything why it isn’t done it is only a 30 min job and all that.

Then he says where did half of you go? I was confused at first because we were talking about the truck and everything. I ask what he was talking about because I also kind of took it a different way with what all we were talking about between moods and the truck.

He said you have lost a lot of weight.

I told him eating a lot less, cutting out all Cole’s long time ago, cut out tea.

Then he says you look Healthy, no drugs?

I put in capital letters really? No!!

He says I just had to ask you know enough people on them. I said as does most everyone around here we are in X county.

I can not believe that he asked me that or even felt he needed to ask. But then again I guess maybe because there are some I thought no never who can’t stop now. It is sad but seems to be the norm around here at some point or time in your life.

Then he said he is going to need new pictures. Like he has any now other than ones I have posted and put on line that everyone has seen.

I went to secret conversation since we were on messenger and I edited one picture I had good and sent it to him so it would delet in like 10 seconds. Why I was trying to send it he was all why secret and what so…I sent that. He said I need to see that again do you have more? He says I am guessing your more comfortable with your appearance? I just said yeah wasn’t getting all into it with him right then.

Then he said you never answered my question? I didn’t see one so I asked what? He said you never talk to me anymore why? I said well you don’t talk to me either and I figured you were pissed off at me. He said no not at all. We talked a little more he had to go. He wanted catch an hour nap before work.

I was glad he messaged and we talked I miss talking to him and glad he didn’t stop me at the store. I was fighting tears then and just wanted to get home. Had he come over talked to me and hugged me I would of lost it. I always do with him.

{May 3, 2019}   Talked to Mr. Responsible

The other night at work, I think Tuesday I went outside and was sitting and I messaged him. We started talking, I asked him what meds he was on when he came out of the hospital? He said he didn’t know a list. I told him what I was thinking that he was holding fluid, he said he gets rid of plenty of fluid. I said yeah but still might be. We talked back and forth he said I was on a blood pressure. I said that will make you get rid of fluids. I said I don’t know but it makes since because you started gaining about then and can’t lose and you don’t eat a lot and working all the time. I said I think you really need to get that checked out and look into it. He said yeah he probably should and thanks for looking out or bringing it up. I said you have them babies that need you, you need to take care of yourself. He said yeah I just need to find time to go to the doctor. I told him I knew how that was.

So I don’t know I hope he thinks about it and goes in to see what is up or what is going on. Because if that is what it is, it is pretty bad. I did what I could and brought it up to him. I tried last time to get him to go but he just said he was alright and it was this or that. But this time when I said that and we were talking he seem like he was thinking about it and go.

{April 25, 2019}   Coffee & Water Day 4

I should not be drinking tea and started drinking it again to long ago. The last few weeks my stomach has been bothering me again. I know that my coffee isn’t helping either but I’m not 100% ready ready or able to give that up yet. So I compromising, I have down sized my large like 32 oz coffee to my 12 oz coffee. I have not had any tea since Friday.

Monday I started my day with my small coffee and two big bottles of water. I drank all the coffee and probably not even a quarter of the bottle of water if that. I have a huge problem with water. I can not drink water to save my life. I want flavor, and then I have a problem with having flavor in water because I have a problem with things tasting like things that they aren’t. Because lets face it, flavored water is to me just kool aid without sugar.

Tuesday I had the idea that orange juice would be better. I bought two and my coffee, I had no problem drinking all that. But yesterday I decided I needed to suck it up and drink the water. I can’t drink a ton of juice everyday all day. I went and got the other bottle of water from Tuesday and drink some of it but not a lot. I went to Applebee’s with BFF and her aunt. I didn’t order a tea or any drinks. I wanted to order a screwdriver or something but I didn’t. When we left there I finished the rest of the bottle of the water. It wasn’t to bad but it was hard.

It is 3:30 and I still have a little bit of my coffee left and two bottles of water I bought today in there. I am going to try and drink one of them this afternoon/evening. I don’t know how well that will go over but I hope that it goes over as good or better than yesterday. I hope that by next week it will get better. Because I am always dehydrated I should be drinking water every day and don’t so hopefully I will get use to it and start drinking more than just one bottle in a day and be able to just drink my one coffee and water after that.

Bff said just get a tea and just have a tea on Wednesday nights. But like I told her I just stopped having it Friday if I drink it I will just keep on. That is how I got started back drinking it was I will just have one when I am out to eat or out with them and then started drinking it all the time when I stopped drinking the soda and just replaced the soda with the tea. Really they are the only sugar I have as well most the time so that I think will be good getting rid of all that sugar I have been getting. It will also cut out a lot of calories and I will start losing weight again because I am at a stand still right now it seems. I haven’t weighed myself in a while so I dont’ know where I am now. I should be at 140 or less. I think I have lost some since I checked last a month or so ago because my pants seem to be a lot loser.

{April 9, 2019}   Wow Post 1

I have had some interesting conversations the last few days. You know those conversations that just make you go wow are you not hearing what I am saying to you? Or are you talking to me or someone else? So I have decided to start Wow post for those conversations or evens even that just make you go wow did that just happen.

Sunday I need a tire for my truck (yeah I know don’t ask) it is later in the day I figure most places are closed. So I call the ever hated Wal Mart to see if they have one, how much and how late they are open.

Guy answers the phone….Can I help you?

I need to see if you have a tire and how much it is. I need a 245 75 R16

Repeats it back before I can finish talking and says…. We have x of this kind and they are $X and we have X of this kind and they are $y.

Are those light truck tires?

Gets cocky and smug….They are the size you asked for so……….

I now cut him off and ask again are they light truck tires?

He says I just told you they are the size you asked for.

I said okay but again I need to know if they are light truck tires? It don’t matter if they are the size I asked for or not if they are not light truck tires they aren’t any good to me. SO again are they?

Gets mad turns to someone standing next to him…. I have told THIS LADY on the phone 3 times that these are the size tires she asked for and she keeps asking if they are light truck tires all cocky and mad now.

Person he is talking to says something and they talk a minute.

He comes back to the phone sounding like he feels like and ass… and says um well um it looks like this one is a light truck tire but this one isn’t and we have this many of that one that is light truck and it cost this much.

Laughing……okay what I figured thank you and hangs up.

Maybe if he would of asked someone sooner and didn’t talk to me like I was stupid he wouldn’t of turned out looking like the dumbass in the end.


Last night at my night job me and the one guy there was talking about stupid things people do and say. I told him what happen when I called about getting a tire and things. He just sat there looking. Then turns around to his desk and starts working. I turned back around to mine and started doing something. In a minute he says okay I have been around trucks and tires and things all my life and I have never heard of light truck tires or what. What is the difference or what? I explained it to him and everything and he was like I guess that makes since but I have never heard of that.

Hey at least he asked and now he knows but the other guy just talk to me like I was stupid and wasting his time. I am not sure how the one from work worked around trucks and tires or with trucks and tires and never knew that. Unless he just means he has bought tires and dealt with tires and things but he hasn’t had to buy them for trucks. I bought tires every since I had a vehicle but I didn’t know there was a difference in tires for trucks and cars until I got my Trooper and Expeditions. Then I got into the tires and different ones and all that. I can understand that.

{March 14, 2019}   What A Night

It was our normal night out, we ended up having 3 extra people come with us. Bff’s oldest and her boyfriend came. He just joined the Navy and is in Italy. He is back for a few weeks. He came and seen everyone. Bff’s aunt was there as always. Sleeping Beauty came and his friend from work who came before came. Last time he sat at the bar after Sleeping Beauty ran outside and met him. Tonight he went over to the bar something was said, he went and told him he could sit with us we had room so he did.

We all talked and had a good time. We were all sitting there and Sleeping Beauties friend got up said he was going to the bathroom and walked off. In just a minute then he got up, I don’t know if he said where he was going but I knew sure enough right to the bathroom.

I messaged Bff and said something about them going to the bathroom together. She didn’t read it I walked outside with her aunt they still hadn’t come back. I called her so no one knew who was calling. Told her read it. She said wow. I said I am telling you. She was like um or hmm something like that. Like she didn’t believe me or think that was what he was doing.

I said I know before he picked it up went somewhere public went to the bathroom, they did traded there. No one see”s no one thinks anything of it.

Little bit he sniff, sniff, sniffing and whipping at his nose and shit. We went to the bathroom I pointed it out to her. She was like yeah I noticed once or twice. We were there for a while after that I notice and face he make things he would do. She clueless knows nothing about this stuff. She just thinks no no no it couldn’t be.

I just called her when I was at the lot earlier and was talking to her about him. Mr. Auto started talking to me told me he was there today and he said so and so is right. He is skinny not looking good talking about why he lost so much. He said he told him again that is your friend talk to him help him. He said you can’t he won’t talk. I said he is 100% right, he will not talk about anything big or small he will 100% shut down not say a word and be gone not hear from him no more for a while.

I told him I tried to talk to him when he was at my house and everything happen. He left came back packed his stuff why his mommy waited in the car and left. Said I put him out. I said I never told him he had to leave I told him we needed to talk and get somethings cleared up. I said i get told im asking 20 questions. I said I have only ask one and trying to get an answer to it. So maybe I have ask it 20 times or 20 different ways but it’s the same one not 20. Mr. Auto laughed he said but no your right you have to ask questions that’s your family your kids. I said my point. I said he has made the comment to me he just needs out of here away from it all a new start. I said i think that is what it is going to take or something bad is going to happen to him. He just looked and said your probably right.

We were talking about how they said he was on it how he looked like he does now when me and him were doing repo’s for him he was staying here. I said then he went to his moms that is way the fuck up there for a few months. He came back he had gained weight was looking good a lot better. He said yeah he did get bigger there at one time looked healthy. I said yes but he was way up there not working and no way or reason to come down here. He was away from it. I said now he back at the lot over there hanging out with these guys he is right back into it. He stays at their houses and things. He said yeah that isn’t good. I said no and told him how he told me before i ever seen him he lost a lot he was eating less and better. I said he knew I would say something but im not stupid.

Tonight after we left applebees me him and bff went to the store. He went somewhere and something was said about it. Bff said I want to say something to him. I just want to tell him or ask him. I said no because he is just going to lie about it get all pissed off and bent out of shape. Tonight this late and here, right now is not the place to say anything. She said okay.

Like Mr. Auto said someone needs to talk to him. But like I told him too you can’t the way he shuts down. And if he don’t want help it isn’t going to change things. He said true, I don’t know what anyone can do. I said I don’t either it is sad.

I am with bff, I want to say something but I don’t know what or how. Odds are he is going to deny it and then be telling bff I’m just making it up because I’m mad or don’t know what I am talking about or what. He will stop coming around. That is fine but maybe if he keeps coming around and doing things with all of us together he will back off some or stop again. I just don’t know. I thought maybe if we confront him tell him we aren’t stupid we know what he is doing and why he lost all the weight and things. Then just tell him we all like him, care about him, the kids do we all like hanging out the kids do too. But that we can’t have that around the kids and risk something happening like almost did at my house or anything else. I am sure he try say that won’t happen he not doing it there, he not staying there or whatever. But fact is he is doing it he don’t know what one may or may not do if he pisses someone off again. All they have to do is sit watch him or anything. They knew where he was when he was staying here he had no car or nothing to watch for to see if he was here or what. Just because they drove by once happen to see him here maybe don’t mean he was living here. They had to be watching.

It is so hard to know what to do but at the same time he thinks he has us all snowed and we have no clue what he is doing. He is getting away with something. I don’t know what to say or do but something has to be said. I don’t like the idea of him around the kids and things if this is what he is going to do. Because he is only going to get worse once he movies down here Sunday with their friend. I feel like calling his mom and saying something to her, but with his aunt the way she is I don’t want to do that.

I just wonder what she knows or has to say about it. She has to see it and know it. See the weight loss. Unless she is stupid she has to know it isn’t what he is or isn’t eating or his sugar problem like he tried to say before.

I would like to talk to someone about this kind of thing and how they think we should go about it and talking to him about getting help. When he shuts down says he isn’t doing anything.

et cetera
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